CUTECAKES

man,
i took yesterday off to try an die apparently.
uh-huh.
what happens when it's warm and rainy, on top of a whole state covered in snow?
everything suddenly sucks the most.
the rain was the loudest thing ever all day and night.
the snow turned to the heaviest ice and the slipperiest sh!t,
and that gave way to flooded roads everywhere.
btw, i live on a curvy hill, so leaving was the worst idea i could've entertained.
so, obviously, i went down south to do family stuff.
i mean, why not try to tempt all the fates in all the ways?
oh, i finally used a real person-thermometer, and guess what?
i totally had a fever!!
yeah.
still sick.
on top of all the other obstacles on the course,
my coughing, head-crashing chest pounding bummer
only made taking a day off even MORE expert.
ha!
i'll tell you what, though-
rules is rules, and the rules say it is turbo-lame to show up without treats.
so, dying from sickness, flood, traffic collision,
or general exhaustion notwithstanding,
when you get to your destination,
you'd better have a cupcake or somethin'.
and i did.
check it:

KYOOOOT!
i made 'em gluten-free for my sweet honey baby.
yeah.
i want her to be able to enjoy what i make.
alas,
she couldn't taste them either, because mama has the sickness, too!
uh-huh.
i'm not even going to include the recipe, because honestly i don't know what's in 'em.
at 5:30 a.m. i was NOT coughing, but i was baking the F* outta these guys,
after scambling around in a no-sleep stupor, tossing sh!t into a bowl.
i ate a few.
i enjoyed every bite.
i swirled the frosting to make 'em pretty-pretty, for the kiddies.
i mean, c'mon-
i like to cute it up for the cuties.
they're cute.
and when we hang out, eatin' cupcakes?
we're ALL cute.
and i like that a whole bunch.
i'm not exaggerating when i say i don;t know what's in those cakes, either.
i used three kinds of flour blends, but they're all in big bags on the counter,
and i don't know which ones i used.
they DO have unsweetened plain coconut yogurt,
and vanilla unsweetened coconut-almond blend milk in 'em,
which definitely adds somethin' good to the mix.
also, i used that same tasty s'milk in the frostin', and it's good as heck.
so, i did that, and they came out good, but this one is a sacrifice to the recipe gods.
-
we drove across another half of the state to do some important stuff.
it was less icy, but soooo rainy.
and then i drifted home in a dangerously asleep state.
i'm safe and sound, but i haaaaaate feeling drowsy like that.
*
today?
it's freezing again.
the six inches of solid ice in my driveway feels dangerous.
...and slippery.
crabtree and i both ate sh!t first thing this morning.
nice.
oh, and it's windy.
that makes everything SO much better, always.
if you know about the worst,
then you know that it has abso-LUTE-ly got to be the wind.
***********
oh yeah.
my favorite part?
when i shivered in through the door, all bedraggled and frazzled,
and one of the kids said:
"......oh, it's *just* albie.
i thought the surprise was gonna be toys or something good."
womp womp.
don't worry, she apparently also doesn't like cupcakes.
so, i'm not totally offended: clearly it's not me, it's her.
hahahaha.
but take note-
don't tell your kids there'll a surprise, if it's just gonna be me.
nobody is pleasantly surprised when i appear.
and be warned: cupcakes might fail too.
...also, and i'm saying this for the record-
the next time somebody says the holidays aren't about toys?
i'll be thinking about how every day is about toys.
kids know it.
i know it.
you know it too.
hopefully i can lament about it while i eat a disregarded cupcake,
and possibly cough my lungs out through my neck;
never quiet, never soft.....