chopped.

ho' sauce isn't enough,
and ketchup isn't either.
nor mustard, for that matter.
condiments aren't my thing.
it always seems like florida and condiments go together.
y'know?
sure, lots of people like those things,
but nobody any good.
so imagine my surprise when i added all of them together!
no, not florida, that's NEVER invited.
but all the rest of 'em, which i happened to have on hand.
(embarrasing)
even though i only had the highbrow condescending versions
of all the condiments normally used in a molto dirty southern sauce,
it all worked out in the end.
it's not the stuff i remember from twenty years ago,
but we're getting into something even better, if not altogether different.
that's right, i said it.
i'm committing a sacrilege just sayin' it,
but what do you duders know about northern winter vegan barbecue?
i figured.
no.
it's a thing.
and no, it's not brown baby ray's jar sauce, either, you big dummies.
c'mon.
it's its own thing, and it might be a new thing,
but when i need another dinnertime extravaganza?
northern vegan barbecutioner is what i become.
dirty pots and dirty fingers and a fork to pick up all the spillover on my plate,
on the ones, just for fun,
i'm steady reppin' some tangy spice-rubbed bbq, b!tches.
that's IT.
first off,
i roughly chopped some of my custom elite homestyle seitan up into strips
and threw those shreds onto a slow-cookin' pan of oil.
once they started to get juicy, with their water content dribbling to the outside,
i hit 'em up with that smoked applewood salt, and coarse black pepper,
g.p.o.p., chipotle powder, cayenne powder, oregano, and a sprinkle of soy sauce
and a splash of white vinegar to let 'em steam into those spices.
uh-huh.
once the flavors were all married into one heroic supersaturated sheen on that stuff,
it was time to activate phase two.
yeah.
it's a multi-step procedure.
ho' sauce, liquid-smoke-infused ketchup, and whole grain mustard,
and a heavy blast of smoky hot paprika, with just a smidgen of brown sugar, too.
neighbors,
if you can't hang out with that much hottness,
you're definitely not ready for the whole sandwich.
check the saturday-night-fever-type teleport:

ka-BOOMfire.
a pan-browned poppyseed kaiser roll,
loaded up with all the fixin's.
yup.
did i simmer down a brace of tempeh bacon strips?
i sure did;
and they're on there, adding more smoky-sweet meaty vegan protein to the party.
mmhmmm.
completing the stacked stack of smokestack-attackin' action,
there are pickles,
and blackened poblano pepper strips,
and raw red onion rings for even more tangy, spicy, crunchy bite.
then, juts to cool it off enough to keep eating it as fast as you can.....
turbo-elite stone-cold-bottom-line coleslaw.
cabbage, red cabbage, carrots, pea shoots, radishes, and parsley,
vegenaised to a smooth and refreshing bite-after-bite bangin' fistful of salad.
yuuuuuuuup.
and then, to freak it off properly?
horseradish dijon mustard, kids.
i took that poor person sh!t,
and raised it up to untold expert tax-bracket elevations.
yup.
you know it had to happen.
there's only today left, anyway.
sandwich week is shuttin' down this evening,
and then it's back to whatever the F* i usually do.
awwwww, MAN.
it's always so hard for me to say goodbye.
i would much rather do what i do, harder and harder, forever and ever,
until i wear away into a ghost ring smoke ring of dyin'-tryin' warrior poetry.
that's no joke.
***********
until then, though,
i've still gotta eat breakfast, don't i?
yes.
and you KNOW what i'm having don'tcha?
yes.
a sandwich.
clearly.
check the last-breakfast-sandwich-type-teleport:

a toasted almost-everything bagel.
yep. almost everything.
they make whole wheat everything, and that's one more thing isn't it?
that's what I'M sayin', guys.
for real.
anyway,
fake bacon,
pan-fried so gently it didn't turn into the salty cardboard it is wont to do.
that's delicious,
and fortunate,
since i'd have eaten it regardless.
carrot peelin' strips, and grilled sweet onion on top,
covered over with romaine lettuce and pea shoots, to boot.
i'm eating well,
but i'm probably blarping out.
too much is the right amount,
but fat guts and schlampy butts aren't gonna win you any friends, are they?
i doubt it.
however,
i'm not going out on some peanut butter and jelly toast'wich jauns.
it can't happen.
i'm too deep into this sandwich week to drop off in the last lap.
that'd be pure crap.
i've got moves to make.
and i'll make 'em with aplomb, and drop 'em like bombs over my bellyhole.
that's the way it is.
also,
it's a snow day.
yet again.
and that means that the mysteries of the universe are converging,
for the next few days, according to the most reliable reports,
over the heads and hearts of our woodsly goodness.
the coincidences will be cultivated,
and then reaped.
the echoes of everything we imagine always return.
that's what echoes do.
duh.
and today, they're falling like snowflakes.
unfortunately, so are the snowflakes.
each one is unique, but all together, they're a bunch of A*-holes.
...as is usually the case;
never quiet, never soft.....