PORTOBELLO PO'BOY!!!

what's grosser than poor people?

i mean,
really, man... don't be like that-

it's not cool.

awwwwwwww, c'mon, now.

look, i myself dabbled in poverty for a bit.

it didn't agree with me.

not one bit.

so, i worked harder at literally every single thing in my life,

and fought my way into standoff between income and outlay,

so that i'm perpetually at the threshold of my means.

.....um, wait.

that almost sounds poor, except that i teeter at the precipice,

and don't carom into the depths of despair and debt 

through the accrual of entertainments and the having of fun.

yuck.

no way, man.

i've got too much to do to go effing off in the pursuit of happiness.

hard work is what i'm all about,

but,

when the day is nearly done,

and dinner needs a bit of fixin'?

i'll happily pursue a powerful piece of the action.

yup.

and a ragin' cajun calamity was what i had in mind, 

from the moment i noticed i still had mushrooms hanging about.

i may not be into being a poor boy,

but i'm sure as sh!t ALL about a po'BOY.

real talk.

hahahaha.

c'mon, kids.

don't be mad,

check the teleport, instead:

PO' PO'!!!!

homemade bread?

you'd better believe it.

fresh-to-death cajun spicy fried portobellos?

damned straight.

and that remoulade?

expert.

like, TILTY TILTY TILTY AF.

mmmmmmmmmm.

here, get right up on it one time:

kaBOOOOOOOM!!!!

every last aspect of this sarnie was elite.

let's begin with the bread:

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1 2/3 cups flour;

1 T sugar;

1 1/2 tsp salt;

2 tsp bread machine yeast;

1 tsp olive oil;

1/2 cup warm 'milk; 

with 3 T melted butterish;

1/4 cup sourdough starter.

knead that all together, well, until the dough forms a shiny ball-

and let it rise until doubled, 1-2 hours roughly,

punch down, cut in half, and shape into two badass baps,

oil the tops, score the tops,

and let 'em rerise for another 30 minutes to 1 hr, until doubled again.

bake 'em for 25 minutes at  375℉.

they'll be fluffy, but molto firm.

they'll be crusty, but also pliable.

they'll be golden, and delicious, 

and just what you'd wanna hook up a sandwich with.

all good things, just in time to make ourselves something super-special.

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while that's happening,

a little prep for the batter on those bellas would be a smart move to make.

let's discuss:

in one small bowl, combine:

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3/4 cup 'milk,

1 T cold-milled flax-chia seeds,

1 tsp nootch.

let that thicken while the bread bakes, at least.

-

in a separate bowl,

whisk together:

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2 T hemp hearts;

3 T cornmeal;

2 T cornstarch;

GPOP, smoked paprika, cayenne, oregano, thyme, mustard powder, 

crushed red pepper flakes, salt, and a fat buttload of cracked black pepper.

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i used five biggish baby mushrooms,

they're crimini more than baby bellas, honestly, 

but since they're only differentiated by size, and botanically identical,

i'm sticking with the porto prefix.

word.

quartered, dunked thoroughly in the wet sauce,

dredged even MORE thoroughly through the dry stuff,

so that those chunky hemp hearts and the gritty cornmeal are all 

wedged in between the gills and everything.....

then fried in HOT vegetable oil, about 1" deep, in a cast iron or heavy steel pan.

mmmmmm.

they cook quick, man, so don't go wandering.

and they are DOPE when they're done.

that's the truth.

*

assembling those sexxxy sonsab!tches was simple-

a fat layer of slaw-

that's purple and green cabbage, pea shoots, shredded spinach, 

yellow and orange carrots, lemon juice, salt, and a little bit of vegenaise.

perfect.

then, paper thin red onion,

followed by the 'shrooooooms,

you're gonna need great pickles for this.

don't settle for sub-par jauns, 

and i insist you must absolutely refuse to use any sucky ones.

that's a thing.

good pickles are key here.

and the tomatoes?

supersweet babies have a much nicer texture 

than those sloppy floppy discs of the regular round big'uns.

all that's left then is the remoulade!!!

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3 T peeled and diced celeriac;

2 radishes, minced;

2 T parsnip, minced;

1 T ea. finely chopped yellow and orange carrot;

lightly salt all of that, and set it in a small bowl.

combine 2/3 cup apple cider vinegar + 1/3 cup malt vinegar,

with 3 T sugar, 1 tsp salt, black peppercorns in a spice satchel,

1/3 tsp mustard seeds, 1/4 tsp celery seeds, and 1/2 tsp red pepper flakes-

boil until the sugar and salt are dissolved and in solution,

pour over the veggies,

and allow to cool. 

drain off the liquid once it's no longer hot at all,

and dry themin a paper towel, 

before adding 1/4 cup vegan mayonnaise with 1/4 tsp turmeric, 

1/4 tsp mustard powder,

and a dash of cayenne.

expert doesn't even begin to describe this stuff.

all the flavors in the sauce,

all the flavors in the cajun spice portobellos,

the briny pickles and the sharp onions, plus the crisp veggie rainbow slaw,

and the sweet of the bread and tomatoes?

c'mon, bruh-bruh.

day off dinners are what's up.

i ate the other loaf of bread with a few stray bits of 'bella, 

and the remoulade, and the last of the slaw.

i don't even give any sh!ts, either.

it was too damned good,

and besides, too much is the right amount.

yeah.

looks like it was PAYDAY for PO'BOYS,

and that works for me.

also,

if you're poor,

i hope you improve your financial standing someday,

because i'd love to share a sandwich with you.

alas, rules is rules, until then.

hahahahaa.

i'm kidding, i think.

*

werewolfen waves and full moons,

plus my sweet dog and his sh!tty butthole 

all worked i unison to keep me up all night.

i'm sleepy, i'm creepy,

and i'm ready for anything.

...except the workday.

i have NO idea what i'm walking into today,

and that's usually a good sign that it'll be a real humdinger.

for those of you who don't know-

hard styles like to lay in wait,

and hit you right in the bag'ola when you're unsuspecting.

well,

i'm suspicious, alright,

but also unprepared for what's coming, 

so i s'pose we'll just have to see how it goes;

never quiet, never soft.....