NOODS!

ok.
so, it's mostly just pictures of food over here.
that said- here's a picture of food:

SPICY NOODS FOR ALL THE DUDES!
i love rice noodles.
i also love that i've been able to assimilate all sorts of gluten-freedom
without being gluten-free dumb,
and not missing out on a single bite of brutally boomfire dinnertime deliciousness.
i mean, really, i could've ignored the gluten thing,
since i am unaffected by it's negative effects,
BUT,
i am not an A*-hole, and i'd like to be inclusive of my people,
even if i'm excluding gluten to do so, y'know?
so,
wheat-free soy, and acres of crawnchy veggies,
and tofu, and sesame oil, and rice noodles are ALL on the menu,
and happily, they're all things i want to stuff in my face.
-
pictures of food.
i dunno.
i feel like i have been elbows deep in hallowe'en town for a few weeks,
and there's been scarcely a second to breathe, let alone type.
sickish sleepy kids have afforded me an exxxtra few minutes,
and i'm taking FULL advantage, so here you go, bros;
NQNS.....

WAFFLERS!!!

blueberry filled gluten-free crispy-edged fluffers,
with real new hampshire maple syrup,
a pat of vegan butter,
and exxxtra bloobs for good measure:

TOO MUCH IS THE RIGHT AMOUNT.
good breakfasts are our special friday thing these days.
.....wait.
today is friday.
that means it's ON today,
and today is the day,
and that's great news for people who like good breakfasts!!!
word;
NQNS.....

PIZZA PARTY FOR ONE!!

PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYYYYYYY!!!!!

bread flour makes your double dough exxxtra dope.

double dough?!

yup.

that's when you use more dough than pan to make a majestic, magnificent, 

and massive square of of pure sexxxiness.

check it out:

I LOVE PIZZZZAAAAAAA!!!!

brox, tempeh bacon, carmies, red onions, tomatoes, fried garlic (rules is rules),

and two kinds of vegan chee': minced daiya mozz and miyoko mozz grated on top.

that's expert.

with fire roasted chunky tomatoes as the base?

damn, duders-

y'all don't even know about futuristc hottness until you've a had a slice of some of THIS.

...real talk.

i ate it all by myself,

even though it was a hundred pounds of awesome.

i'm ready to swell up and blow out around my midsection.

if it's pizza powered paunch, it's probably pretty powerful indeed.

pizza is the truth, and pizza is all i really want.

in fact-

everything good is actually a derivative of pizza.

i don't have any science to support that,

but, i mean, c'mon,

some folks think dinosaur bones were hidden by the devil in the earth to test dummies faith.

pizza is currently dwelling on the planet with us,

so i'm pretty sure i'm onto something here;

NQNS.....

TACOS!

*gasp*
hard shells and soft corn jauns,
at the same time?
i must be capable of compromise!
who knew?!
not me.
the crawnchy ones weren't as terrible softened and supported by the beans
and the pliable power of white corn flappers.
that's real.
check the teleport:

WORD UP!
look closer:

YEAH!
custom black beans,
custom refried beans,
custom pickles,
all the sprankles.
what else do you need?
that's all;
NQNS.....

*COFF* COFFEE *COFF* CAKE!!

little bitty innie-mini itsy-bitsy gluten-free coffeecakey triangle bites.
yuuuuuuuuuuup.
you read that right,.
quick and easy, i had myself somethin' special, and as fast as i could stir,
i had alllllll the best things ready to go,
and read to eat, which is just precisely what i did, hard, and loud, and proud,
and with whipped cream and cinnamon sprankles on top, too.
that's IT.
teleport:

YUMMMMM!
now,
if you're gonna eat a square of these, which is four of these,
you NEED the coconut-milk-based non-dairy gluten-free magical whippy cream.
rules is rules, and that's on the charter. which i just wrote in my head.
also, you will need:
a 10" x 10" square non-stick baking pan, greased.
an oven, preheated to 350℉.
a mixing bowl that can hold three cups of flour and sh!t;
a spatula, and a pastry cutter, and lots and lots of LOVE.
if you aren't ready to love up on some soffee-style grandmammy-type cake?
you're no longer welcome in my home, brothers and sisters.
sorry, but that's a thing.
.....moving on-
combine the following:
1 stick (or 8 T )of vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 cup brown sugar;
1/2 cup vegan sour cream.
stir well, and hard, and thoroughly mash the butter and the cream into that sugary sh!t.
next,
add:
1 tsp xantham gum;
3 T tapioca flour;
1/2 cup bob's 1:1 flour;
1/2 cup gf oat flour;
1 cup bob's ap gf flour;
2 T garbanzo bean flour;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
1 cup soymilk.
boom.
that's all you need.
stir it together, spread it in your pan,
and take the same bowl you just used and add:
3 T vegan butter;
1/4 cup powdered sugar;
1/4 cup fast gf oats;
1/4 cup dessicated unsweetened fine coconut;
2 tsp cinnamon;
1 tsp vanilla,
and pastry cut all that together into a well-combined sticky crOmble.
that's that superior streusel sorcery, and it's the F*ing best, bro.
recognize.
toss all that all over the top, and tuck it into the batter slightly-
that seals it just enough to retain some moisture whilst baking, for a very spongy soft crumb
all up inside of this bihhhhhhh.
-
give it 30 minutes in the oven,
then sit back and enjoy a whole fat sloppy crumbly mess of this stuff.
too much is the right amount, i keep telling you.
*
oh MAN,
i'm running late, again.
just because i wanted to tell you about my cake.
that figures.
oh well,
there will be more as time allows, if it allows for more;
NQNS.....

ROCK BLOXXX!!!

every time,
these are a good time:

ROCK BLOXXX!!!!!
the signature sexxxiness of my bakery belligerence,
fresh-baked from my oven and served up live and loud and directly at your face.
WORD.
there's nothin' better, and i can't ever get enough of 'em, either-
on the ones, too much is the right amount,
and anything less isn't ever even considered once one of these hits your tastebuds, bud.
this time around, i made'em a lil bit exxxtra excellent-
icing,
seasonally appropriate site-specific sprankles,
and huge vegan dark chocolate chunks-
because MORE chocolate chips is good,
but MORE and BIGGER chocolate chips is better.
yep.
make these, you will enjoy yourself, and you will have cookies to eat.
that's win-win, neighbors.
-
*
ROCK BLOXXX!
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
get a big bowl, and using a;pastry cutter, cream together:
1 cup dark brown sugar;
1 stick (8 T) vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla....
stir in:
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce;
add:
2 cups a.p. flour;
1 tsp ea bakey kapowder and soda;
1/2 cup ground unsweetened unsulphured coconut;
1/2 cup ground oat flour;
1 pkg gigantic vegan chocolate chunks.
blend all that into one cohesive cookie dough,
and shape up three dozen 2" balls, slightly flattened,
on two baking trays, and give 'em 13 minutes in that hot oven.
let 'em cool off,
and hit 'em with that powpowdery sugar-based glaze, bro.
mmmm.
it's legit powdered sugar, vanilla, and soymilk.
ANYway,
the sprankles are key here,
because autumn is SO worth a lil exxxtra colorful celebratory sugar activation.
whatever, kids, if you ain't about this cookie life,
you might wanna reassess your actual life.
these are the big business big action activation that'll do you good in all the right ways.
eat a cookie,
eat a few more,
chew with your mouth open,
live your life,
it's all good;
NQNS.....

WHEATLESS MEATLESS!!!

for my next trick,
i'll be making meatballs that aren't that,
but,
for an added degree of difficulty,
i will also make them without vital wheat gluten, which is the go-to protein binder
for most of those magical roundies in most instances.
yup.
wheatless meatless BALLS, ya'll:

kaBOOM! kaPOW! 'SPLODE!!
yeah!
i doo-doo that freaky sh!t.
why?
because expert recognize expert,
and real mutha 'uckas do real sh!t.
is the sauce homemade?
man, c'mon.
what am i?
an *A-hole??
of COURSE it is.
that's how it be at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
and the pasta?
green lentil gluten-free penne, pal.
we're on some other other jauns these days.
me, personally, i LOVE gluten....
i just also love a gluten-free lady.
- and so here we are.
you want the recipe for the balls, or the sauce?
or both???
ah, i see-
too much IS the right amount, man.
let's do it:
-
* 
GF GARBANZO BALLZZZ!
-
in a smaller saucepot, on medium high heat,
with a tablepsoon of olive oil,
saute:
1/2 cup minced onion;
1/2 block finely diced tempeh;
2 cloves crushed roasted garlic;
2 tsp fire-roasted tomato flakes;
1 tsp each GPOP (Garlic Powder & Onion Powder)-
stir for four or five minutes, then add:
1 cup crushed tomatoes (i used chunky fire roasted jauns, it doesn't really matter);
1/2 cup water;
mix in: pink salt, black pepper, crushed red pepper;
2 T nootch;
1 tsp ea dried basil, parsley, sage, thyme, fennel seed;
1/2 tsp dried oregano, rosemary;
1 T fresh oregano, and fresh basil;
2 shakes of liquid smoke;
1 T red wine vinegar;
when the liquid is mostly absorbed, add 1/4 cup coarse oat flour,
and remove from heat-
wait five minutes, and add 2/3 cup of chick pea flour, and 1 T olive oil,
mixing and stirring well enough to completely combine everything.
wait another five minutes, and form into 2" balls.
if you'd like, brown 'em up in a hot pan, rolling them around to prevent sticking and burning.
tight.
i baked mine for fifteen minutes at 350℉, then tossed them into the sauce!
and that sauce was the TRUTH!!
-
*
SAUCE!!
-
in your food processor, pulverize 1/4 onion, 1 carrot, 1 clove of garlic-
add those into a half gallon sauce pot, with:
1 cup halved baby grape tomatoes;
15oz fire roasted crushed tomatoes;
1/4 cup apple juice;
pink salt, black pepper;
fresh oregano and basil;
1 T nootch;
2 tsp each GPOP;
2 T tomato paste;
all stirred around with 1 T red wine vinegar,
and a splash of water to keep it from overly thickening into mud, bud-
^ you will be thrilled to eat this.
seriously, i had it on a hard bubblin' boil for ten minutes,
and a low bubbler for another 'nother half an hour-
it was molto expert, and it activated all the flavors with ultimate excellence.
rich, and hearty, and full-bodied, and perfectly paired with those balls.
that's how it's done,
and that's how i did it.
-
a few blackened tomato sprankles,
a couple of leaves of fresh-plucked late-season oregano,
and i was in heaven, homie.
***********
i hardly even have time to eat, let alone cook-
but,
i'll tell you all about the highlights as they happen.
that's the best i've got on offer at the moment;
NQNS.....

TART a.k.a short pie!

ok.
so,
you get apples at fall-time,
because apples show up at fall-time.
and now, just like that, you've got alllllll these apples-
so,
what do you do?
you eat 'em.
obvi.
apples are delicious, except, ironically red delicious.
anyway,
i have been making the most of the local apple harvest,
and recently,
i went into some gluten-free fanciness, and it turned out better than i'd imagined it would.
(and i had a high degree of confidence)
wanna see?
ok!
check the teleport:

APPLE TART!!!
that's basically an apple pie, but in a shallow tart tin, instead.
y'like that crust?
yeah, me too. it's some expert activated cookieish dough, yo.
here's the recipe.
-
now, if your oven is hot enough, say- 380℉,
and your apples are pre-stewed ...which they always are (rules is rules).
then you can bake this up in like 20 minutes.
-
the apples?
i had four of 'em,
peeled, cored, chopped, and dropped into a medium-sized pot,
with a pat or two of vegan butter,
loads of cinnamon,
a heap of dark brown sugar;
a splash of vanilla;
a glug of real new hampshire maple syrup,
and a handful of quick oats-
when they were softened, i set 'em aside, and let 'em thicken up-
-
easy. easy. SO easy, actually, that you'd have thought it was sunday morning.
fancied up crust, rolled out between sheets of parchment,
and braided and leafy-cut-out, and all of that-
i'm sayin'-
a pretty piece of sweetness is twice as good as an ugly one.
that's no joke.
-
the crust is crisp. the apples are soft, but thick, and together, they're buttery, and cinnamony,
and totally F*ing awesome.
i'm sometimes surprised at how easily these things come together.
especially considering that they're just fabricated out of thin air.
....and twenty-hundred kinds of gluten free flour.
ha!
*
good food, without harming anybody, or anything, is a special thing.
i don't want the chemicals and the carcinogens and the colon-clogging and the cholesterol
and the cardiovascular crap that comes from animal tissue and fats-
but,
more importantly, to me, i don't want to hurt animals.
i can't help it.....i'm sensitive.
so, i do my part to use what i know to do what feels right to me.
that's all i can do, right?
i hope it's enough, but it never feels like it.
i'm gonna keep creating these things.
i'm gonna keep doing my thing.
maybe it's a positive influence on my surroundings?
definitely it's a positive outcome for my face and my body.
what i know to be true, and what i do about it, are defining traits.
i care, a LOT, and i couldn't stop even if i tried.....
but, stopping caring is like stopping breathing-
for the whole wide world, i made this choice, 22 years ago,
and i'm still here, sincere, after all the F*ing years.
thanks for reading, neighbors;
NQNS.....

GINGER BAKER!!

hahaha!
ginger extract is powerful stuff.
and when you combine it with ground dried ginger,
and skin-on organic raw ginger,
you get some sort of wonderful wafting aromatic magic and majesty
exxxploding from your oven outwards into infinity,
and stopping over at nostril city to activate all the olfactory freshness for your face.
for realsies.
check the teleport:

GINGER BROWN SUGAR CAAAAAAAAAKE!!!
expert.
hmmm?
well,
yeah,
that's a gently maple'd frosting on top,
AND gluten-free pastry-style cookies, too!
mmhmm.
i'm not trying to eat UGLY food, dudes.
nah. that ain't me.
i want the kyoooootness.
and that's what i'm makin', man.
recipe?
ok.
here:
-
* 
GINGY!
-
preheat your oven to 360℉.
-
grease a 9" springform pan.
-
in your trusty stand mixer, with the whisk affixed to the spin-arm,
beat up:
1 stick softened vegan butter;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 cup brown sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
3 T  tapioca flour;
1 tsp ginger exxxtract;
1 tsp ground ginger;
2 tsp cinnamon;
1 T minced organic ginger;
1/2 cup unsweetened plain coconut yogurt.
-
add in:
1 cup mama's almond meal flour blend;
1 tsp baking soda;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp xantham gum;
1/4 cup gf oat flour;
1/4 cup bob's brown rice flour;
1 cup bob's ap gf flour blend;
1 cup non-dairy milk.
-
whip it up until it's fluffed up and out;
next, spoon and spread and level it into that springy pan,
and bake it 30ish minutes or until cracks form along the outer edges-
-
remove it from the oven pop the spring and let it cool completely before frosting.
i made the maple frosting so simply:
2 cups powdered sugar;
5 T vegan butts;
1 tsp vanilla;
3 T maple syrup-
all whipped in the mixer until aerated as heck!
easy, right?
i know.
-
the cookies?
they're actually complicated pastry jauns.
yeah.
the blend is serious,
and the outcome is amazing-
you wanna know about it?
ok.
-
*
GF BUTTERY PASTRY HOTTNESS!
-
in a medium-sized mixing bowl,
stir together:
1/2 cup bob's ap gf flour blend;
3 T dessicated coconut;
1/2 cup gf oat flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
3 T garbanzo flour;
1/4 cup brown rice flour;
1/4 cup quinoa flour;
3 T brown sugar;
1/2 tsp xantham gum;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 stick vegan butter-
chop all that together into a crumbly concoction, pastry-cutter-style.
then add non dairy milk, 1 T at a time, up to 5 T maxxx-
fold and trun and fold until the whole dough is a streaky buttery sticky mass.
wrap and refrigerate it, and roll it out on a flt surface between two pieces of parchment,
or on a non-stick mat with plastic wrap over the top....
whatever works best for you, neighbors-
cut some cutesy shapes (i went full-fall and hit off the leaves, obvi)
and bake 'em for 11 minutes at 375℉-
just like *that* you've got crispy scandinavianish buttery cookies.
-
that dough it makes for a magnificent actual pie crust, too.
that's no joke.
*
i want MORE cake always.
this one was light, and fluffy, and soft, and spiced just right.
it tasted more like november, if i'm being honest- which i always am.
truth tellers can never stop, kids.
and the truth is: i'm gonna keep on making cakes.
it's sort of how i express myself.
and my expressions are sweet, at least, when they're not written across my face.
my face is an old, word, haggard and hazardous snarky sneering leerer-
and that is expressly non-verbal but loud communication, isn't it?
yeah.
ugh.
but,
there are still plenty of smiles still available,
...provided they're preceded by a slice of sweetness;
which i will continue to create in an effort to be more tolerable,
despite my F*ing face.
we must play to our strengths, i suppose.
so, if you avoid directly lookin' at me,
you might just be able to truly appreciate all the innovative recipe testin' i'm on about
up here in the woodsly goodsly northern mountain vale.
it's all really happening regardless,
so maybe come through and have some cake while it all unfolds?
you're cordially invited to stop by and be delighted;
NQNS.....

BREAK YO'SELF!!

gluten-free cinnamon brown sugar panniecakes?
F* yeah!!
check the teleport:

that's that big B brekkie in effect, b.
y'got stwed apples on top,
and real new hampshire maple syrup, too.
plus, kapow-powdered sugary sprankles to turn it up to eleven....
you wanna know what's IN those 'cakes?
ok!
-
*
GRIDDLERCAKEZ!
-
in a medium mixing bowl, sift up:
1 cup bob's a.p.gf baking blend;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/2 cup gf oat flour;
3 T brown sugar;
1/2 tsp xantham gum;
1/4 cup ground unsweetened unsulphured coconut;
1/4 cup plain unsweetened coconut yogurt;
1 tsp bakey soda;
2 tsp bakey pow-pow;
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon;
1 tsp nutmeg;
1/2 tsp allspice;
1/2 tsp dried ginger;
3 T melted vegan butterish;
1 1/4 cup non-dairy milk;
1 tsp vanilla.
stir it all up,
let it rest for thirty minutes,
and spoon it into your preferred cookie-cutout shapes-
always all greased-up, and on a hot griddle or large pan, man.
flip 'em when the bubbles are abundant on the surface of side one,
and remove the forms after a minute on the other other side.
...tight.
*
the apples?
that's brown sugar, and cinnamon, and vanilla, and a pat of vegan butter,
and cored, peeled, sliced apples, cooked down to soft splotches of autumnal awesomeness.
easy as pie, but on top of cake.
y'feel me?
i know you do.
hey listen, man!
ha.
*
those potatoes roasted all morning at 375℉.
sliced, GPOP'd, slated, peppered, and tossed in oil,
i et 'em get especially crispy before i fired 'em up
with smoked paprika, MORE GPOP, a spoonful of vegan butter,
red onion chunks, and lots and lots of texas-style ho'sauce for the WIN!
mmhmmm.
that's how you turn potatoes into miracles, m'man!
word.
....with fancy baby tomatoes, and pea shoots for garnish,
and some AVO-F*ING-CADO, complete with sriracha flake sprankles?
y'boi knows about breakfast,
and i'll be darned and danged if i don;t doo-doo that freaky sh!t
like a glutenless guardian of good times and great food.
***********
columbus day.
back where i'm from, in southern connecticut,
where all the italian-americans LOVE christobal colón,
there's probably going to be a parade.
up here, in the woodsly gooodness, there's no school, but that's about it.
where will i be?
at work.
duh.
that's what i do.
and that's why i may never get rich, either.
real talk: nobody ever got rich by working hard.
i don't even work that hard, but i DO work a LOT.
maybe that's something that should change, too?
i dunno.
but there's work to do, so i'mma do what i do best,
and zipzap all the bits and pieces like a berserker barbarian battle beast.
i will tattblast all the doodiecrinkles on earth,
you can bet on that.
columbus discovered some sh!t that was already there.
i'm about to discover some sh!t that everybody else may already know about:
taking time to do what you love, and what you're good at, and what needs doing-
is it ikigai?
i doubt it.
it's just what's up on a three-day weekendy rainy monday.
it's all really happening, and i guess that's got to be the whole point;
NQNS.....

OCTOBER PIZZA!

man, if you ain't effin' with pizza,
you may not even be effin' with real life!
seriously, pizza is the best thing ever,
and if you're not on board?
well, you must be pretend or somethin'.
i made pizza the other night-
dough from-scratch,
sauce from scratch,
specialty toppings,
unconventional expert activation for your FACE!
mmmhmmm.
radical magical homemade vegan pizza is the BEST, and that's no joke.
check the teleport:

Wu-TANG!!
this sh!t is pure love, neighbors.
on the ones, it's got all the flavors, and all the textures, and all the crispiest crust crunch, too.
y'ever have broccoli rabe on a pizza?
it's great!
for really real- a lil blanched b-rapini will do you good.
i trimmed the stems and boiled it for precisely two minutes in salty water,
and drained it, so it wouldn't soak my dough, bro.
smart.
oven roasted skin-on potato wedges?
you've GOT to get into those.
baked up on parchment on a tray, while the oven preheats to 485℉-
drizzled with olive oil and salt and pepper, gettin' all good and golden.
it's delicious, duders. like, the most.
there are caramelized onions under the minced daiya mozzarella chee'.
yep.
rules is rules,
and if you aren't chopping your chee' into smaller bits, you're a chump.
that's bush league amateur laughable sh!t, and we don't play like that around here.
so, you've got potatoes, and broccoli rabe, and mincey chee'....
i also had fire-roasted tomato sauce-
that's blackened crushed tomatoes, salt, oregano, and GPOP,
for those of you who were curious.
-
a layer of that, and those carmies- always using vidalia onions, btw.
next up, red onions.
yeah!
too much is the right amount,
and that's how we doo-doo the onion scene at my house.
...
and there's also fried garlic, and fire-roasted dried tomato flake, and crushed red pepper,
and parsley sprankles!
that's quad spranks, and that's a LOT of exxxtra goodness, y'feel me?
it's true, and it's expert, and i ate the whole thing.
-
let's talk about the dough......
my stand-upright manly mixer with the dough hook
is indispensable to my daily breadmaking.
i love it, and it loves me back.
it attacked the gluten chains in the wheat-based flour like a champion,
and this crust was so flippin' fresh, i could've eaten it with nothin' else on it.
-
*
DOUGHSKI-MO'!
-
2 1/4 cups a.p. flour;
1/4 tsp vital wheat gluten;
2 tsp sea salt;
1 tsp raw sugar;
1 pkg fast actin' yeast;
1 cup warm water.
^^^
that's IT.
nothing fancy.
everything in one bowl, beat up, and allowed to rise while the 'tatoes and the oven get hot.
easy.
olive oil on a seasoned steel tray, and some hand-tossing and stretchin' and dressin' up,
before using a peel to put the pie directly on the baking stones for the last little minute.
i mean,
y'all got baking stones?
no??
kiddo, that's molto molto lame.
you should go get one, or some, and get it poppin' like you know you wanna.
-
and how long do you bake your pizzas for?
man, i dunno your life!
is your oven convection?
does it register true to temperature?
when your crust looks sexxxy, and the chee' is melty,
and the 'tatoes get those little crispies on the corners it's ready.
use your eyes and your personal preferences to determine what's good.
c'mon.
*
october is going by too fast.
hallowe'en hasn't even begun over here yet.
i'm stressed.
i need more time, and more sleep, and more of everything.
maybe today is the day?
i'll have to dig deep and start cutting up some foam,
and gluing all the bits together....
if not today, then when, am i right?
today IS the day, and that's just the way it's gotta be;
NQNS.....

CROMBLER!!

crumbs,
and crust,
and cinnamon and sugar and spice and everything so nicey-nice....
that's right kids,
y'boi doesn't play around when it's time to get fresh with the apples.
y'know?
i'll explain-
apples are kind of expert all on their own,
but,
when you simmer and soften 'em,
and add all the little exxxtras,
and stuff 'em inside of a crust,
and crumble some streusel, dutch-style, on the top?
well,
then you've got a slice of elite americana that goes to eleven.
and that's the good stuff, neighbors.
check the teleport:

CROMBLES!!!
wordimus prime.
that's a mutha-uckin' crisssssssp, lil bihhhhhh.
the apples are soft, but firm, not mushy.
the spices are tight af.
the top is all the right textures.
but the real breakout star?
the crust!!
gf vegan pastry???
i got you, boo-boo.
here's how to doo-doo this freaky sh!t like a champion:
-
*
WHEATLESS VEGAN PASTRY CRUST:
-
in a mixin' bowl, using a pastry cutter, combine:
1/2 cup gf oat flour;
1/2 cup bob's gf all-purpose baking flour;
1/4 cup bob's 1:1 rice-based flour;
1/2 tsp xantham gum;
3 T sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 stick + 2 T vegan butter butts;
chopped and lowered, cut in, and stuffed up-
and then, you add:
3-5 T non-dairy milk,
and fold and turn and fold and turn and on and on and on and on.....
and when you've got a streaky, buttery dough?
refrigerate it for an hour.
-
preheat your oven to 375℉.
-
core and peel 6 medium-sized apples;
(i used a combo of local macs and macouns)
cube 'em up into 1/2" chunks, and add 'em to a medium sized pot,
on medium-low heat,
with:
1 tsp vanilla;
1/4 cup brown sugar;
1/4 cup maple syrup;
dash of salt;
2 tsp cinnamon;
1 tsp each nutmeg and ginger;
1/2 tsp allspice;
dash of cloves...
simmer that until they're all slightly soft,
and toss in a handful of gf whole rolled oats...
-
now you've got two components ready to go.
you roll that dough out, and put it in a pot.
i had a sexxxy glazed terracotta thing, and it fit this perfectly.
i had the crust up the sides, with a little crimpin',
and a whole lotta apples packed in snugly-
all that was left was that streuselly crOmble!
mmmmmmmmm.
-
*
CROMBZ!
-
3 T vegan butts;
2 T brown sugar;
2 T powdered sugar;
cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice;
splash of vanilla;
1/4 cup gf oat flour;
1 cup gf rolled oats.
chopped and clipped and crumbled up into a perfect streus!
and then spread ALLLLL over the whole entire top, nice and thick.
bake the whole thing for thirty minutes,
and get ready to lose your flippin' mind, man.
yuuuuuup.
this sh!t right here is the TRUTH!!
and nothin' compares to new englandy apple crispiness.
not once, not never.
....with vanilla bean coconut milk ice cream?!?!
AND coconut whipped cream?!?
and exxxtra cinnamon sprankles?!
too much is the right amount,
and anything else is a waste of our time;
NQNS.....

BROWNIE!

one large cast-iron pan,lined with parchment, is where it starts, man.

huh?

oh.

when you're making a giant gluten-free chocolate chocolate chip brownie,

you start with a 10" heavy-duty, seasoned, manly black pan.

y'feel me?

that's real.

and y'gotta use melted butter,

and y'gotta go extra heavy on the cocoa,

and it wouldn't hurt to add chocolate chips to the s'milk when you heat that up, too.....

look neighbors, if you want the hottness, y'gotta make the hottness;

and that's what i do, duders.

check the teleport:

C'MON!!

that's a big burly brownie, for sure.

a circle of the sexxxiest wheat-free fresh-to-deathness i could conjure,

ready to rock and roll from my oven to your face-hole.

really.

y'wanna make one for yourself?

ok!

proceed as follows:

-

*

GF BIG CHOCOLATE CHIP BROWNIE!

-

preheat your oven to 375℉

-

line a 10" cast-iron pan with parchment paper, and trim it nicey-nice.

-

in a medium-sized metal mixing bowl, combine:

1 cup brown sugar;

3 T powdered sugar;

1/2 cup cocoa;

2 tsp baking powder;

1 tsp baking soda;

1/2 tsp salt;

1 tsp xantham gum;

1 cup mama's almond flour blend;

1 cup bob's ap gf flour;

1/2 cup chick pea flour;

1/4 cup vegan dark chocolate chips;

3 T dessicated unsweetened coconut;

3 T tapioca flour.

stir together,

and add in:

1 cup non-dairy milk, warmed,-

with 1 stick melted vegan butter,

2 tsp vanilla;

and 1/4 cup chocolate chips.

-

fold it all into a floppy. bloppy batter,

and spoon it evenly onto the parchment in that pan.

add a few handfuls of chocolate chips on top, and bake it for 30 minutes.

kaBOOM.

big barbarian brownness is in F*ing full effect,

just like *that*.

-

go get a big pan,

and get busy with the best dang gluten-free chocolate chip chocolate cakey jauns

that anybody has ever had.

you can even eat a big ol' wedge of it warm, 

topped with a scoop of vegan ice cream.

but, don't take my word for it......

***********

we went to the fair.

uh-huh.

we did.

i didn't actually know how to do that.

so, i kinda did it wrong at first.

that's real.

i was so used to the way i did i back in the day:

looking a animals and avoiding 100% of the animal products and the rides-

i mean, honestly, we still escaped from the whole nasty carnie half of the thingm which was great news...

of course, more recently, just eating alllllll the falafels and leaving has been my thing,

so i had to adjust that, too.

we made it happen, and we made it work, 

and fatty-boombattie naps were had by all the small ones afterwards.

that's the measure of success, isn't it?

if small people pass the eff out, it was done right...right?

i dunno.

it'll take more practice to perfect the interpersonal balance, i suppose.

whatever, guy, i went on the carousel and sh!t,

so i'm not sweating it;

NQNS.....

RABBITTTT!!!!RABBITTT!!!

october!!
hallowe'en!!!
costumes!!
candy!!
pumpkins!!!
all the best things are right now, y'all.
site-specific and seasonally appropriate and totally expert!
fall foliage!
apples!!
sweaters!!
fires!!
cider!!!
it's all really happening, and that's the whole point!!
but before all the bestest and most awesome stuff unfolds upwards and outward
from this fresh-to-death Folk Life epicenter, there's something that has to happen first.
yup.
rules is rules.
the magic words will set you up and set your sh!t in motion, man-
you know 'em, and you like 'em,
and you should really try to make it happen.
i did.
that's my spellcasting blast to start each and every first of the month-
what's the move?
it's to purse your lips and spit those enscorcelled syllables, son:
rabbit! rabbit!
cultivating coincidence and fomenting favorable fortune like a champion.
that's it!
i hope your month is a magnificent one.
i hope mine is too.
*
i made brekkie, broski.
uh-huh.
that big B, big boi!!!
haha.
gluten-free, and fat af, just how i like it.
check the teleport:

oooooof!!
those waffles were heavy.
i went wrong, a little, and overdid the oats.
seriously.
those were crispy, but they weighed as much as manhole covers.
i still ate 'em, and had room for more of everything as well.
that's me, neighbors- i can always fit more.
too much is the right amount, and i'm not just sayin' it, i'm livin' it.
-
...the syrup is real new hampshire maple,
since i'm a real new hampshire man,
and not some corn syrupy A*-hole, y'feel me?
word.
-
the potatoes are skin-on red jauns,
with GPOP and onion and pink salt and black pepper,
with smoked and sweet paprika turning them colorful....
i cubed up three 'tatoes,
and coated them in olive oil,
and dusted them with Garlic Powder and Onion Powder in a small pan,
and baked them from a cold start in an oven preheating to 375℉,
until they were golden-
then i added a quarter of a sweet onion, and those spices, and fried 'em up on the stovetop
until everything was even crispier and crunchier and better than ever.
nobody likes weak homeboyfries, guys.
remember that.
-
the scrambo?
man, that sh!t is a miracle!
half a block of exxxtra-firm tofu, crombled in a pan,
with onion, peppers, tomatoes, and spinach,
plus turmeric, smoked paprika, nootch, salt, pepper, and GPOP???
damn, dudes.
that stuff always gives me the feels.
-
and last but not least?
those waffles.
gf oats and all those weird flour blends,
plus coconut milk powder,
and raw sugar,
and melted vegan butter,
and all that bullsh!t.......
really,
they were almost more waffle than the iron could deal with,
but it managed, and i managed,
and i munched 'em up....
and now we're here.
in october.
in the F*ing rain.
doing all the things that people do when they LOVE fall,
and hallowe'en,
and all things excellence and autumnal.
i'm excited, and that's a fact.
happy first of the month, friends;
NQNS.....