CHEEK ACHE!!

cheek ache?
ohhhhhhhhhhh.
SIKE!!
chee' cake!!!!
ha-haaaa!
the first one of the new year.
about time, too.
i mean, really, it's been toooo damned long,
and i was too damned sad without a tasty F*ing chee'cake to stuff in my big dumb face.
right about now though, bro,
there's double-decker strawberry-on-strawberry oatmeal/graham-crusted
radical boomfire vegan chee'cake hottness stone-cold coolin',
stuntin' and lampin' in the fridge,
daring you to say some bullsh!t about how it isn't dope.
go ahead, try to say some of that noise within earshot of me and mine-
you'll catch a bad one, neighbor.
this jaun is expert.
and it's smooth as heck.
and it's fat as F*.
and it's mine all mine all mine,
unless you want a slice, and you ask nicely,
and you're capable of truly appreciating the magnitude
of how elite this level-eleven sorcery really is.
y'know?
i used to know a guy who was SO into my homemade vegan chee'cake
that i made one for his berfday every year.
no joke.
and i was happy to do it,
because his own family was forever reppin' some sad, premade, frozen-section,
storebought doo-doo butter for his special day.
that's unconscionable, man.
however, after years of righteous action,
when the time came for sides to be taken,
he chose himself right out of a slice of this sweet sweet chee'thang FOREVER.
yup.
rules is rules, kids.
i only mention it because i'm such a hard style tyrannical decree-dictator,
i actually collaterally relegated my heroic chee'cake to the waaaaay back burner,
out of associative hard-hearted heavy-handedness.
THAT'S how you hold a grudge, guys.
the thing of it is-
it certainly isn't this sweet strawberry love-lump's fault-
no way.
...there's no legitimate reason i shouldn't make MORE of them, MORE often,
with MORE berries, and MORE sugar, and MORE of everything nicey-nice.
my excoriating scorched earth scouring scowl notwithstanding,
the treats are not to blame for their strongest proponent becoming an opponent.
right?
man, listen-
i sometimes get soured on a band if their fans are terrible.
y'know what i mean?
like, somehow i must be terrible if we like the same stuff,
because they are clearly terrible....
i know, i know, i KNOW-
P.M.A. suggests we look beyond that,
and i am, duders.
c'mon.
the chee'cake fell victim to a similarly attached angst.
but, that's over with now, and we're back on track,
and this lil bit of heaven is a BANGER, son.
check the teleport:

ka'SPLODE!
oh how i missed this!
creamy dreamy fruity booty-shakin' burly barbarian battle-beastly big business
has returned to the loving bosom of the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
word up.
and i'm tellin' you-
this sh!t is the TRUTH:

WOW!!!
two tiers of chee'cakey thicccness, and those heavy-duty berries bringing the thunderclaps
and the soul claps and all the other claps that aren't gonorrhea.
look at those drippy drizzlies, dude.
i made it with the BIG tart pan, with the fluted scallopy edges,
and the removable bottom-
the pan is important, unless somehow, you actually like a shallow chee'cake.
i hope you don't, because that's weak af, and against the prime directive, as well:
too much is the right amount,
and after that unwarranted hiatus, that's doubly true for this treat.
you want one?
okay.
i should probably warn you ahead of time-
this is NOT good for you.
sure, you could use dates and cashews and nerd out on some wholefood nerd stuff,
but i'm not even trying to hear that, son.
nah.
that ain't me....at least, not today.
here's the rundown:
-
*
STRAWBLURRY CHEEK ACHE!!
-
preheat your oven to 350℉
-
in your food processor, pulverize:
1 1/2 pkgs graham cracker;
2 T raw sugar;
1/2 cup rolled oats.
crush 'em up all coarse but small,
and dump all of that into a medium mixing bowl,
where you'll also add:
3 T melted earth balance butter replacement;
1 tsp vanilla;
2-3 T non-dairy milk.
that's your crust, homie.
press it into your tart pan, and bake it for 11 minutes.
boom. done. dope.
-
in the processor,
you're gonna puree the poop outta a whole lotta soy-based blops, bro.
ready?
begin:
1 block pressed, drained, dried firm tofu;
1 1/2 tubs of vegan (tofutti if at all possible) creamchee';
1/3 cup powdered sugar;
3 T flour;
3 T tapioca starch;
3 T cornstarch;
2 T lemon juice;
1/2 tsp lemon extract;
1 tsp vanilla.
pulse pulse pulse that up until it's smooooooooth...
next, divide it half,
and add 2 T pulverized freeze-dried strawberries,
and a little handful of frozen strawberries (estimate, you'll do fine) to the food processor
with 50% of that tasty filling.
i don't care who you are- freeze-dried berries are what you need for baking up the best
stuff that you can concoct, without making everything a sloppy we mess.
find them, and order a LOT.
-
ok.
so, spoon the pink half into that prebaked crust,
and then add the white, tight, tilty, vanilla half-
what?
nobody told you to turn off your oven.
put that smoothed-out circle back in there for another 'nother 20 or so minutes.
yeah.
and when it's cooled off all the way....
and i mean, like, in the fridge, firmed up, hours later-
that's when you blop out the berry compote on top.
-
*
STRAWBLOPS!
-
in a small sauce pot,
simmer 12 oz sliced frozen strawberries;
1/2 tsp lemon zest;
1/2 lemon's juice;
4 T powdered sugar;
1 tsp vanilla.
when the liquid is abundant,
pour off a few tablespoons,
and slurry it with 1-2 T organic non-GMO cornstarch,
and heat it until it's hella thick.
spoon it on the cool cake, and refrigerate it again....
patience, friends. it'll all pay off in the end.
in another hour, it's ready for your face.
unless, naturally, you're me.
then you need even MORE exxxxtras,
which is where the strawberry frosting comes into play.
look, i know you know how to make frosting.
or, somehow, if you don't, you can search this site;
or if you're too lazy for that,?
maybe you don't get to have frosting.
just don't use box-mix tub frosting, because that's for jerks.
and jerks don't get to have chee'cake. we covered that earlier.
there you go.
***********
the sun is shining on this sultry saturday.
the air is brisk, but it smells like wet earth and old snow.
there's a buzzing sound outside,
like the sky is alive with clouds whispering some sinister plot to eff up the afternoon.
it's all really happening around us,
the woods, the roads, the mountains-
they're all sounding off,
ricocheting, rebounding, and resounding with the echoes of excellence
that make up the magic of early march.
i'm grateful for the time i have been given,
and i'm making the most of every last minute.
thanks for checking in;
never quiet, never soft.....