PREAMBLE

what do you do when you don't know what to do?
when there's several situations playing out poorly,
all at once,
and every choice is a bad one?
that's some sh!t, right?
what do you do?
i'm genuinely curious.
for real.
because what i do is cold like outer space.
because i do the same thing, over and over.
because the way i handle it is suppress my preferences and instead do the math,
and add it all up because math doesn't lie;
and then, while i digest that information:
i dive headlong into some meditation.
...which always culminates in digestion of another sort...
huh?
well, no.
i don't sit still in the lotus position, breathing, and thinking about nothing.
nah, man. that ain't me-
instead,
i get deep into a process, and let the procedural demands dominate my thoughts.
that's real.
work is my medicine, and food is my medicine,
and working on food is like a massive dose of nutritious anti-inflammatory conflict-decoding
bomb-squad disarmament antivenom for the bubbling berserker barbarian bile
that'd otherwise overflow from within to without something else to supplant it.
thank goodness for good cooking, kids.
that's all i'm saying.
without a kitchen, i'd most likely be a catastrophic calamity of mismanaged emotion.
lucky for all of us,
i've got all the burners and the oven going at once,
using up all that surplus fury and ferocity,
and transmuting it into sustenance in the absence of solace.
-
i lose people.
i do.
some of 'em are gone forever, dust to dust, an' that;
others are right around the corner,
opting for anything and anywhere else-
but,
for all practical purposes, they're all as good as evaporated into the infinite.
...damn.
i hate losing people.
the interconnected spirit and memory of those who've gone
echoes long and loud in the empty spaces and silent gaps long after they've left.
(especially when half their stuff is still in the house)
the missing pieces seem larger than they ever were.
and they seem to keep getting bigger, the longer they're gone.
now, it could be that's a brutal but effective means of making room for growth.
clear cutting swaths of personal attachment to fill in with more of yourself-
bigger, better, more effective;
smarter, or maybe wiser, for what you've taken away from the disconnect.
that'd be somethin', huh?
you lose a parent, you lose a friend, you lose a lover,
and you add the remainder of the experience points to your total,
rather than subtracting a lump sum of grief?
that's the best i've got at the moment.
it's all really happening,
that's the bad news.
it's all part of a secret blueprint for building a better tomorrow,
and that's the consolation;
never quiet, never soft.....