BETTER!!!

guys,
pretzels.
soft, salty, super-sexxxy pretzels.
yeah.
i think i got it, now.
for really-real.
check the teleport:

WOOORD!
multi-grain perfectos!!!
damn, i'm psyched about these.
i mean, i figured it out, neighbors,
and now i'm gonna make ALL of 'em all the time.
on the ones, they taste authentic as hell,
and they're not really all that difficult to conjure up.
......and how about those spreads??
man,
these jauns are the TRUTH.
*
vegan butter. that's my favorite choice.
earth balance soy-free smoothness is what's up.
*
sexy dijon.
toasted mustard and caraway seeds, activated with malt vinegar,
in a smoothish dijon? expert.
*
vegan creamchee' deluxxxe!
that's cashew creamchee', with scallions and toasted dill seeds, dudes.
mmmhmmmm.
y'all ain't ready for a triple threat spread-up like that.
...
the real improvements came from understanding the dough better the second time around.
yup.
i get it now.
i also flipped the flours around a little, to try a new thing,
and that heirloom grainy goodness did me proud.
you want the recipe?
you can have it!
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*
SOFTIE PRETZEL TIME!
-
preheat your oven to 450℉
-
line a baking tray with parchment paper, set aside.
-
prepare a big ol' pot of water, ready to boil, with 1 T baking soda per 3 cups water
-
combine:
2 T real new hampshire maple syrup;
2 tsp yeast;
1/4 cup warm water, stir and bloom for ten minutes.
-
in your manly metal mixer, with the dough hook attached, add together:
2 cups flour;
1/4 cup quick oats;
3 T vegan butter;
1 tsp sea salt;
1/3 cup spelt flour;
3 T what bran.
now add the yeast/syrup blend,
and 3/4 cup warm water,
and knead on lowish power for 11 minutes.
gently, lightly wet the dough, cover it, and allow it to double in size-
it'll take a bit, so get yourself a book or somethin', and wait about 40ish minutes.
get that water boilin', bro.
you're gonna need it in a second.
now that your dough is puffy?
that's when you punch it down.
yeah.
and divide it in half, and the again, and then again.
eight pretzels is perfect.
roll each dough hunk out to about a foot- foot and a half?
and make a U-shape, twist the ends over once, and fold 'em down.
y'know-
to make a flippin' pretzel shape, duh.
c'mon.
don't be dumb.
dunk each of 'em in the water, and let 'em float in there for about 30 seconds at a hard boil,
and remove 'em with a spider,
to be placed twists-up on that parchment tray.
hit 'em with coarse sea salt, and don't be cheap with it.
too much is the right amount.
ha!
bake those little baddies for 12-14 minutes, until they've got that pretzel LOOK.
you see it, you know it, so be vigilant, and do it right.
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i'm impressed with these, for sure.
no jokes, they taste 100% expert.
i must admit, i ate most of them, again.
it's almost like i want to be a big blarpity old man.
hahaha.
(i don't, but i cannot resist a soft pretzel, for real)
***********
all the people.
that's who is up here skiing.
all of 'em.
i can't hate on it.
more people means more income for everybody who works up here,
and more income means bigger tattoos.
it never means better ones, though.
in fact, the folks who usually get a bump in pay for the exxxtra hours available?
terribly ordinary ideas for tattoos.
y'know what's awesome about terrible ideas?
they cost the same or more than good ones,
but they never cost less,
and that's what's gonna finance all these muh-fuhh'n pretzels, bruh.
that's right.
movie checks come from all the tattoos,
not just the good ones.
so, hope fully, come march, the big bummery bam-bams will be rollin' in like thunder,
and i'll be up to my eyes in ingots and doubloons.
i'm SO ready to cry about how hard it is to get paid to draw pictures;
never quiet, never soft.....