HOLES

eat those F*ing feelings, homeboy.
that's what my dumb heart said to my fat stomach yesterday.
so i did.
and i spiced and buttered and dough'd up my whole effinng life
with a boomfire barbarian buffalo hot sauce exxxplosion.
uh-huh.
when there's a spouting, flame-gouting runaway bonfire burning a hole in your heart?
the best and fastest way to extinguish the anguish is with a bigger, harder, louder blast
of vacuum-sealing savagery to suck the life out of the hard styles and harsh thoughts
that want to crush you to pieces.
for the record:
it is a very temporary solution.
but as i don't drink or smoke or engage in any of those truly self-destructive tendencies,
i'm resorting to a sorta fatty boombatie batch of food to do the job instead.
so, while i may self-sabotage my emotional future,
i'm also ensuring a kitchen legacy that'll last until i digest the day and the meal,
and maybe make some sense out of something before one or both turn to sh!t,
literally or figuratively.
that's bleak.
hey, here's a thought-
check the teleport:

PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYY!
there you go.
that's what you want, right?
nobody cares about feelings, let's talk about recipes instead.
yeah.
you got it, neighbors.
what is it?
it's great.
what is it, specifically?
it's buffalo chickpea pizza with radical vegan ranch.
yeah.
good food doesn't make everything better,
but it doesn't make things worse, at least.
guys,
instead of tomato sauce, it's custom expert sauce.
mmmhmmm.
it's like this, kids:
-
*
CUSTOMBUFFZ!
-
in a small bowl or cup, stir together:
1/4 cup frank's red hot;
2 T sriracha;
1/2 tsp ea. Garlic Powder Onion Powder;
lots of fresh-crack'd black pepper;
1 T nootch;
2 T vegenaise;
2 T melted vegan butter;
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes.
whisk it up, and let it rest for at least 10 minutes.
-
it's spicy. but mostly, it's flavorful.
so much so that my almost-completely numb senses still caught the fire and the fury
and the freshness of this thick, creamy-smooth orange excellence
though the veil of despair an' that.
word up.
that's a testament to the thing, bro. no doubt about it.
*
we've also got minced daiya cheddar.
not a lot, but enough to activate another tier of tastiness without making it sloppy.
and fried garlic sprankles, too.
i mean, the minced chee' and the garlic are mandatory.
rules is rules, no matter what.
*
finishing out the bakeable bits are red onions, long sliver style.
that's the move for great pizza onions, man.
they retain integrity better in the oven, i've found.
also, this particular onion was a spicy jaun.
sharp af, f'real.
that's that breath-stank that might've mattered if i had company.
but i didn't,
and crabtree bites his own crinkly wrinkle-dot, so he's nobody to judge me.
*
and i got into some fried quartered baby grape tomatoes, too.
a glug of olive oil, in a very hot pan, and a few minutes of softening,
and searing, those lil guys, had a tomato element in place for my pizza pie.
i drained them in a strainer,.
they get kinda sloppy otherwise, and a lot of moisture is not a lot of help
when you're making a pizza.
so,
we've got sauce, and chee' and onions and tomatoes.
what else is going on here?
*
smoked paprika seared chickpeas, boi.
olive oil, chick peas, GPOP, and smoky paprika are all you need.
they're almost meaty.
they're definitely good for you.
they really make the pizza have that heft you want.
heavy-duty hottness, complementing the zesty sauce was a good idea.
-
really i was on autopilot.
making sense of nothing, just using what i know about eating all the food,
and needing to do SOMEthing with my hands.
-
i had a new dough situation going.
it seems like a winner.
verrrry crispy, and also, it had BUBBLES.
look:

it's not a fix for a dark day, but it's not nothin'.
and i'll take a browned bright spot if that's all there's gonna be.
the recipe?
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*
DOUGH!
-
in your stand mixer, combine:
1 cup king arthur a.p. flour;
1 cup king arthur bread flour;
2 tsp salt;
1/2 cup semolina flour;
1 pkg regular-actin' yeast + 1 tsp bread machine yeast, bloomed in 1 cup warm water.
1 T olive oil.
knead it up for 11 minutes, and wrap it, and let it slow prove all day in the fridge.
i had my oven HOT at 490℉ convection style, and that was the move.
stretched on my seasoned and oiled steel tray, and baked until mostly brown,
before being finished on the superheated stones.
that's how you get it molto crisp.
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but, that wasn't it.
too much is the right amount,
and a buffalo bombshell needs MORE sauce and sprankles.
to be honest,
i was frantic and fraught and running around like a total A*-hole,
and that meant i needed MORE something t do,
in order to keep moving forward,
and keep it together for a little while longer.
here's the thing.
i had a tough day full of missteps and misspeaks and mistakes.
huh?
no, the tattoos were great.
it wasn't that. it was real life.
not everything is awesome all the time, man.
that's a thing.
this was a non-awesome one, and it started at surprises and over/underreactions,
and spread to everyone and everywhere else.
it happens, i s'pose.
ANYway, i had to keep myself busy.
which is where i turned the overindulgence up to eleven.
a few fresh green scallions.
a whole bunch of cool cilantro.
and a homemade batch of radical vegan ranch for the win.
yup.
*
radical vegan ranch is easier than you think.
you'll need:
1/4 block exxxtra-firm tofu;
1/3 cup unsweetened non-dairy plain yogurt;
1 T lemon juice
1 tsp nootch;
1/2 tsp Garlic Powder;
1/4 tsp Onion Powder;
1/2 tsp dried dill;
1/2 tsp dried parsley;
dash of cayenne;
black pepper.
i used my high-speed smoothie blender to whip it up.
it's got all the great taste you could ever want,
and there's a lot left over, even after i tripled the amount on top of the pizza
after i took a picture.
that's cool, right?
***********
i had my buddy workin' on my house,
so when i got home, i did all i could to be gracious and tactful and normal.
i wasn't glad when he left,
but i was glad for the freedom to fall apart a little tiny lotta big bit.
it happens.
and while i'm motivated to constantly improve,
my natural reactions aren't always any good.
and there are consequences to that.
huh?
it's a relationship thing, bro.
that should be all the explanation you'd ever need.
yeah.
all the feelin'-eatin' and lip-flamin' fire and wild, power-outage wind sh!t
was just a bunch of bullsh!t to occupy my mind while i buried
the bigger picture until today.
ummmm.
yeah.
that's how i'll be spanning time on this truly awful, yet sunny, tuesday.
what's my secret?
i'm never happy.
and that's how i'll get through it.
with my old familiar aching chest-cavity reminding me of how it always is,
and how it'll always be.
am i lucky to have a default despair setting?
maybe.
it gets me to tomorrow, so it's good for something, anyway;
sorry i wasn't more psyched about this probably truly epic pizza;
never quiet, never soft.....