Friday, February 8


spoft muh-fuhhh'n prezzles.
oh. right.
dudes, the fat kind.
not the long ropey jauns.
i wanted the thickness, and i made it happen.
i'm pretty pleased with what i've produced,
and i ate almost every single one of them, quick-fast and in a hurry.
they're F*ing expert,
and when i've got elite treats to eat,
i've got to get my shark-gluttony under control or else i devour all the good stuff
bite after bite after bite until it's alllll gone.
it's a very goal-oriented sort of savage stormswept animal appetite activation.
but, i mean, just look at what i was dealing with:

guys, these aren't just your basic bottom-b!tch bavarian bombers.
these are the level eleven upgraded burly barbarian bavarian battle-bombers!!
oatmeal rye soft pretzel berserker big action activated business for your face!
that's what i'm on about, bruh.
f'really real.
so, they're super-dope.
y'all wanna make some?
it's not that hard.
here's all y'gotta do:
preheat your oven to 450℉
add 2 cups of flour;
1 teaspoon of salt;
3 T of quick oats;
1/4 cup dark rye flour;
2 tsp brown sugar;
3 T softened vegan butter to your stand mixer with the dough hook attached-
in a small bowl, combine:
2 tsp bread machine yeast;
3 T exxxtra-dark full-flavored full-bodied real new hampshire maple syrup;
and 1/4 cup warm water.
allow the yeast to bloom and add that,
plus 3/4 cup warm water to the mixer,
and knead it up for 11 minutes, on lowish speed,
until the dough forms a soft smoothish ball that pulls
away from the edges of the bowl.
cover it and let it rise for 30 minutes or so, until it's fluffed the F* up,
and twice as big as it was before you wrapped it.
set out a pot of boiling water, and for every three cups of hot water you use,
add a tablespoon of baking soda dissolved in there, too.
neighbors, this will condition the water to do great things to your pretzels.
i dunno the science, i just know that it's a thing.
so get that going,
and while that's out gettin' hot as heck,
punch your dough down hard, lightly oil the surface, and divide it into 5-8 pretzels,
depending on how big and how thick you like 'em.
i had 7 fattieboombatties, and that was great.
(i ate one immediately, it didn't make the photo shoot)
hand roll your dough hunks, and form them into smile shapes.
twist the tips together and fold then in onthemselves, y'know, like a preztel.
mine were verrrry thick,
but you may wanna make yours more new york style,
and less philadelphia.
that's cool.
do what you like, but while you're at it,
also set up a baking tray with parchment near your boilin' pot.
you're gonna wanna use a spider, probably, to dunk your pretzels in there,
and also to dredge 'em up and out-
they sink, then they float, and after 30 seconds, they're ready to arrange on the paper.
that's where you adjust their shapes a bit,
and hit 'em with the big crystal coarse sea salt sprankles.
rules is rules, and unsalted soft pretzels are just bad bagels,.
that's a fact.
when you bake them,
they need roughly 13-15 minutes-
however, when they're brown enough, they're done enough, so keep you eyes on 'em.
that's the play, bruh.
you gotta be lookin' or all is lost.
now when they emerge form the oven?
nothing is better than a piping hot pretzel.
fire one in your face, first bite as is, second bite with vegan butter shmeared on the corner,
and then activate that molto molto magical bite with some custom supersexxxy mustard.
i'm on some ultimo-mega-omega mustard,
because too much is the right amount.
in a small, hot pan,
toast 1/2 tsp mustard seeds, 1/4 tsp caraway seeds, gently cracked black pepper-
as the seeds begin to brown a bit, add 1/2 tsp olive oil to start them poppin',
and cool it off with 1 tsp malt vinegar.
add that to 3 T coarse dijon horseradish mustard,
and stir it up for more  taste and texture that most folks can handle.
F* yeah!
y'all about to be dippin' all day.
i love pretzels. i can't believe i hadn't made these before,
but you KNOW i'm gonna be making them again and again.
that little bit of sweet,
that hearty oat and rye elevation,
the salt, the boiled skins,
the everything everywhere was all expert af.
ice every day.
ice everywhere.
tattoos to do, and art to make,
and where the heck is my valentine's motivation.
i am NOT feeling a monster heart painting yet,
and time is running out.
i think it's all the D & D character building my imagination is taking on
that's detracting from the lovey-dovey doom and gloom of my normal february routine.
that, or i'm just not as upset about love as i used to be?
i dunno.
anything is possible in wintertime.
it's all really happening, and we're just gonna have to see where it leads;
never quiet, never soft.....

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