PIE TIL I DIE

i'll make a F*ing pie for every first day of fall forever.
i think it's a good idea.
and i think pie is pretty great any day.
but especially on the premier of apple-magic season.
so i did that:

see?
that's good for you.
it'll keep the doctor away for ten days.
uh-huh.
that's ten apples, but it goes to eleven.
that's real.
and served up with that no-extra-sugar added vanilla non-dairy ice cream,
and coconut whipped cream?
that's a LOT:

uh-huh.
i don't even know what else to say.
making a pie is quaint and sweet and new englandy and all-american...
honestly,
it's a distraction and not a triumph.
well, to be even more honest, the pie IS incredible.
that's a fact.
but that's not surprising, as i make a helluva good pie.
i just needed to see is doing what i do best even feels good anymore.
the short answer: nope.
the long answer- not much feels very good anymore, but i thought i should give it a shot.
it's perfect.
it's just not enough.
-
i'll give you some recipes, and you can do whatever you want with 'em-
-
* 
CRUST
-
in a food processor, pulse up:
10 T vegan butter;
3 T vegan creamchee';
1/4 tsp salt;
1/4 cup sugar;
2 1/4 cups flour;
1 tsp vanilla;
1/4 cup non-dairy milk...
pulsed until crumbly and sticky,
wrapped, rested for a whole day, rolled, braided, cookie-cut, etc etc etc.
that's pie crust at its best.
and you'll wanna bake any pie at 425℉
-
*
APPLES
-
peel and core and slice 10 macintosh apples,
put 'em in a 2 quart saucepot, with:
2 T vegan butter;
2 T maple syrup;
1/2 cup brown sugar;
1 tsp cinnamon;
1/2 tsp nutmeg;
1/4 tsp allspice;
dash of salt;
1/3 cup quick oats;
2 tsp vanilla...
cook 'em on low until they're softened and the oats are thickened
and the whole of it is a thick sloppy aromatic apple jammie-jam.
so there you have it.
-
i baked this one, with a little olive oil brushed on top,
for twenty-seven minutes.
that's a random number, but it worked out.
now you know how i cope with life.
poorly, but in front of an oven.
***********
i'm not sure if i need to share more food i've made.
i'm not even sure that the personal anecdotes are relevant to anything.
i'm also not really feeling like the poorly-photographed tattoos are
what i should be showing anybody.
i guess what i mean is-
i need to figure it out.
all of it.
all that's happening, all that isn't, all of it.
lilli is five months old today.
that's a very big deal.
way more than a pie.
but where am i?
headed to work.
why?
because i don't know how to do anything else.
this is it.
fall.
fall off the rails,
fall off the trees,
fall and fail and fall harder and fail often.
where's the success? where's the aptitude? where's the competence?
in a pie?!
sh!t.
even my success is failure, if you back up far enough to see more.
there aren't enough apples on earth to fix what's wrong here;
never quiet, never soft.....