DIRTY DAWG PØLSER

dawgs!
well, maybe they're a little more like sausages.
y'know?
i mean, on the day that we celebrate the military's fallen warriors
by eating hot dogs,
i'm also gonna show a little respect for dead animals
by not using them in any of my food.
instead i'm over here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress making another 'nother
batch of from-scratch burly, spicy, very expert sausage dogs.
yup.
of course, i'm not the type of fella to just munch up a plain tube.
nope.
no way.
however, i am the type of dude who makes a whole lotta homemade hottness for my face.
that's real.
so,
i made sausages, buns, pickles, mustard, and remoulade, and put it all together
for some especially extra-extra dirty dawgs.
check it:

PØLSER!!
that's danish, dudes.
hmm?
yeah.
that's fully loaded.
look closer:

C'MON!
F* yeah.
you want to know how to make all this stuff?
alright.
let's begin with the bread:
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* 
BUNS!
-
preheat the oven to 400℉
-
in your reliably awesome stand-up mixer, with the hook attached,
combine:
2 1/4 cups king arthur flour;
2 tsp sea salt;
2 T unsweetened coconut yogurt;
2 T olive oil;
1 tsp bread machine yeast;
1 pkg rapid-rise fast-actin' yeast;
1 cup warm water.
knead all of that up for 11 minutes, wet your hands, ball your dough up,
and knead it more for another 'nother five minutes-
let is rise for twenty minutes,
flour it, divide it up into six long slices.
arrange 'em half an inch apart on a floured baking tray with the sliced sides UP.
let 'em rise, hit 'em with a lil baby bit of Garlic Powder and Onion Powder.
now bake the whole tray  for twenty minutes.
y'all aren't ready for buns this soft and firm at the same time.
they're incredible.
*
and those PØLSE?
neighbors, you don't understand.
they're exxxtra-flavorful.
i make a pretty mean sausage dog,
but these were exceptional even by my own standards.
-
*
DAWGS!
-
in a small saucepot, with 1 T olive oil, saute:
3 T minced onion;
3 cloves crushed garlic;
1/2 cup red lentils;
1/2 tsp ea. GPOP;
1/2 tsp oregano, basil, smoked paprika, thyme, sage,
black pepper, crushed red pepper, fennel seed;
1/4 tsp rosemary;
1 T nutritional yeast;
2 T tamari.
add 1 1/4 cup vegetable broth, bring it to a boil;
reduce it to a simmer, and let it bubble gently for fifteen minutes.
-
in a mixin' bowl, stir up:
1 cup vital wheat gluten;
1/4 cup garbanzo bean flour;
1 T tapioca flour;
pink salt;
1/4 tsp oregano, basil, smoked paprika, thyme, sage, rosemary;
1/2 tsp fennel seed;
1 T olive oil.
-
hmm?
yeah, that's right.
double spices.
too much is the right amount.
now add the lentils to the flours, and knead 'em up.
i rolled out eight big sausages from this dough,
and rolled each one in water, wrapped them in foil with twisty crimped edges,
and steamed the whole batch for fifteen minutes.
...
and when i cooked 'em up?
i used four of them, unwrapped, with a little olive oil, and a quarter cup of water.
dudes!
they were so soft, with that grilled outside 'skin'.

f'really real, they're amazing.
i'm seriously pretty psyched about 'em.
*
the mustard?
custom.
that's 2 T grainy mustard;
1 T horseradish dijon;
1/4 tsp toasted mustard seeds;
1/4 tsp toasted caraway seeds;
1 tsp malt vinegar;
two heavy shakes of black pepper.
...yo!
that's that boomfire.
*
and how about a ferocious remoulade?
i mean, if you're gonna make one, make it ferocious.
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*
REMOULADE!
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in a small pot, combine:
1/2 white carrot, finely minced;
1 tsp minced onion;
1 clove crushed garlic;
a little baby bit of celery seed, mustard seed, and dill seed;
cover all that, barely, with malt vinegar, and simmer it up until the carrot is soft.
drain it, pat it dry, and add it to 1/4 cup of vegan mayo.
with black pepper;
1 tsp finely minced scallion greens;
and 1/4 tsp ea ground dried shallot and 1/4 tsp ground dried fire-roasted tomato.
c'mon, man.
if you need an expert sauce, you can make one just like this.
*
the pickles?
it's legit just thiiiiiiiinly sliced cukes and radishes,
covered in apple cider vinegar and pink salt,
and marinated for a few hours.
that's it.
you'll be surprised.
-
and then there's fresh onion, and french fried onions,
and shredded purple cabbage and parsley sprankles, y'know?
...for color.
*
guys,
i also had that pasta salad.
listen up.
if you can't hang out with pasta salad?
you're making a mistake about your life.
that sh!t is the TRUTH.
i actually made THREE versions.
yup.
i made a brown rice version.
gluten-free,
with red, orange, yellow, and green bell peppers,
cucumbers,
red onion,
parsley,
black pepper,
tomatoes,
and chick peas,
with gluten-free italian dressing.
mmmmmmmmm.
then i made one with tri-color ruffles of real semolina pasta,
but with NO onions.
yeah.
flavorless, for the kids.
and lastly, i made this turbo-elite fully formed fresh-to-deathness,
with the onions, and the real wheat pasta, and all the veggies.
word.
THAT'S the one.
so, i put in a lotta work for a little lunch,
but it was worth it.
*
i worked half the day at AMPERSAND TATTOO, too.
i do that.
and i drove across new hampshire, as well.
i also do that.
i spanned time with some loved ones.
i spanned time with my thoughts.
i ate well.
it was a full day.
and today's bound to be another one;
never quiet, never soft.....