VAMPIRE PROOF!

wow.
just.... wow,
my day opened up in unexpected ways,
so i had time to capture the light and make use of a few afternoon hours
to create a captivating clutch of knots.
knots?
yeah, knots.
garlic knots.
or should i say: DÜDI BOI SUMMERTIME VAMPIRE BELLYBUTTONS!
F* yeah!
i don't always want homemade marinara and almost a whole bulb of garlic
inside my body, but whenever i do, it's not a craving, neighbors.
nope.
it's biology.
my italian DNA needs tomatoes and garlic or my sauce count goes low,
and you wouldn't wanna be around when i'm low on sauce.
that's no joke.
so, i fixed it.
and i made the magic happen.
and i overdid it, because rules is rules.
check the teleport:

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!!!
sixteen supersexxxy tied-up twists of garlic on garlic on garlic.
mmmmm mmmm  mmm.
the sauce?
expert.
the garlic butter?
expert.
the soft, rich, fluffy, magnificent doughblops?
exxxpert.
that's right, bruh.
i doo-doo that freaky sh!t.
this is for SURE a garlic lover's dream come true.
where should i begin?
well, i took two teaspoons of olive oil in a small pan,
and tossed in five finely chopped cloves of garlic,
and fried 'em up on mediumish heat until they just barely got golden.
that was important.
and that's where i started.
let's talk about the drizzle, friends-
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GARLIC BUTTER DRIZZZZ'!
-
2 T vegan butter;
1 tsp olive oil;
2 cloves crushed garlic.
all heated up on low heat, so the garlic gets cooked, but doesn't get brown.
add 2 tsp finely chopped parsley, a pinch of salt, and a lil baby bit of cracked black pepper.
once the butter begins to barely bubble, add 2 tsp finely chopped parsley.
add another 'nother tablespoon of vegan butter to the hot mix,
and let that melt into the rest with the heat off.
is it really that easy?
it really is.
do you have a pastry brush?
you'll need one.
otherwise you're pouring this stuff onto your knots,
and that's cool, but also very messy.
*
the dough was a combination of my own creation.
and also, it was F*ing awesome.
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*
G'KNOTTZ!
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
i always use my stand mixer, and a dough hook, because i have one
and that's the whole point of it.
combine:
1 1/2 cup king arthur bread flour;
1/2 cup king arthur white whole wheat flour;
1 tsp sugar;
1 pkg fast actin' yeast;
1/2 tsp bread machine yeast (more yeast means more flavor btw);
1/2 of those fried garlic bits from before;
1/2 tsp Garlic Powder;
2 T vegan butter;
1 T olive oil;
2/3 cup warm water.
barely knead that up, and let it rest for fifteen minutes-
then add:
2 tsp sea salt;
2 T white whole wheat flour;
3-4 T warm water...
knead the whole thing into a tight but sticky, sloppy, floppy, but structurally intact dough.
as in:
it's soft but sturdy.
wet your hands and fold the dough in on itself to make a shiny ball.
lightly oil your dough ball, and let it rise for fifteen to twenty minutes,
or until this magic mix is twice the size you started with.
next up, divide your dough into eighths.
on a well floured surface, roll each piece into a 1/2" thick log,
and cut each log into two equal 7-8 inch lengths.
that's sixteen pieces for those of you who don't understand math.
then tie 'em in knots.
DUH.
c'mon man, the name of them kind of tells you what to do here, right?
yeah.
don't be dumb.
arrange those tied-up bits on a parchment-lined baking tray,
very lightly oil each one with the infused oil from the garlic bits,
and press the rest of that garlic into the tops of these little DÜDI BOIZ.
i dusted mine with a hint of exxxtra Garlic Powder,
and a baby bit of pink salt, as well.
i mean, too much IS the right amount after all.
word up.
your'e gonna wanna bake 'em for 11 minutes,
pull 'em out, glaze 'em with garlic butter,
and bake 'em for 11 minutes more.
yeah, that's right.
a mid-bake grease-up, to make 'em especially expert.
and when they're golden-brown and the whole house smells like
you're dreaming of some old italian nona?
they're ready.
but you're gonna wanna brush 'em with all the rest of that garlic butter,
making sure to get all the little crushed -up chunks of garlic all over 'em.
and then you HAVE to hit 'em with MORE parsley sprankles.
that's a thing.
otherwise, they're lame, and so are you.

SEE?????
that's how it's done.
they're SO soft.
the outsides are SO rich and buttery and garlicky and salty and dope.
the insides have garlic flavor throughout, too.
it's a megadose of allium sativum for what ails you,
and the only thing that makes these even better?
yup.
you guessed it-
homemade mar-F*in'-nara!
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SAUCE!!
-
in a hot pan, with a glug of olive oil, saute:
1/4 cup minced shallot;
2 cloves crushed garlic;
1 cup chopped fresh baby grape tomatoes.
add salt and pepper, and cook all of it until the shallot is just beginning to get golden.
-
in a quart saucepot, on high heat, begin to bubble up:
1 cup crushed tomatoes;
1/4 cup pureed fire-roasted tomato;
2 tsp red wine vinegar;
2 tsp nutritional yeast;
2 tsp sugar;
1/2 tsp ea GPOP, dried oregano, dried sage, dried thyme;
1/4 tsp rubbed rosemary;
3 T fresh chopped basil;
salt and pepper.
when that inevitably start to sputter and pop,
add 1/2 cup warm water, and the shallot/garlic mixture-
stir well.
reduce the heat to low.
put a lid on it.
leave a wooden spoon in there.
simmer it for as long as you can.
(i started mine way before i started the knots)
why'd i do the two bits separate?
well,
i was wondering if the caramelization would work better in a shallower pan.
the answer was yes.
...and the tomatoes cooked down better and faster, too.
i'll wash an extra ting if i get an extra good result, man.
don't be lazy, it's no good for anyone.
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what do you do with an extra hour?
i needed it.
honestly, all i've done is work work work work work,
and now, at dinnertime, the light is gone,
and the day is done.
i don't remember what working less even feels like.
i can't picture it in my mind.
i'm faced with the very real obstacle of thinking i might get ahead by working more.
and that's true for some,
but for me, in my situation, i'm also aware that that's what poor people do.
ugh.
i'm not impressed.
but i AM full to bursting with 13 of those knots.
yup.
whoever said thirteen was an unlucky number wasn't talking about garlic knots.
it isn't possible.
those jauns are the TRUTH.
and i'm lucky to be packed to the tiptop with these topnotch knots.
that's the best i can do with the spot i'm in,
so i'm gonna do the best i can with what i've got;
never quiet, never soft.....