BATTLE BURGER!

a gluten-free vegan veggie burger that doesn't mush or fall apart?
no way, josé.
wait.
maybe i mean: yes way, though.
hmm?
do i think i can i do it?
man,
i already done did it.
yup.
it's precisely the sort of anything i'm referring to when i say
ANYthing might pop off on a snow day.
check it:

lentils, mushrooms, onion, roasted garlic, wheatless flour, and alllll the right spices.
best burger i've ever made?
b!tch, it might be.
do you want the recipe?
i'll share:
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GF VEGAN BURGZ!
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preheat your oven to 400℉
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in your food processor, combine:
1 15oz can drained and rinsed lentils;
1 1/2 cups chopped baby bella mushrooms;
1/4 cup red onion;
3 cloves roasted garlic;
2 T GF rice crumbs;
2 T GF oats;
3 T bob's all purpose gf flour;
1/2 tsp black pepper;
2 tsp peri peri powder;
2 tsp umami mushroom powder;
1 T nootch;
1 tsp cayenne;
1 tsp red pepper flakes;
2 tsp smoked paprika;
1 T tamari;
1 T olive oil.
pulse that into a crOmbly paste,
and shape yourself some fat patties.
now, it's about to get gluttonous, guys-
add 1 T vegan butter to a hot pan, and fry these thiccc boyz a few minutes on each side.
then, when they've developed a brown skin, bake them for ten minutes-
then give them another 'nother toss on the hot pan to get them even firmer.
these are the TRUTH.
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and there's lemon-juice-kissed collard and cabbage slaw,
which is just those things all together.
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and there's toasted pumpkin seed sprankles,
and a little red onion, too.
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but what's really sexxxy are the roasted carrots-

yeah.
olive oil and carrot spears and salt and pepper and Garlic Powder and Onion Powder,
in a single layer on parchment for twenty minutes in that already hot oven.
expert.
SO expert.
molto molto expert.
no joke.
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the bread was great, too.
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BUNZ!
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in a stand mixer, combine:
2 tsp sea salt;
1 1/2 tsp diastatic malt powder;
2 cups king arthur bread flour;
2 tsp olive oil
2 tsp non-dairy yogurt;
1 pkg fast acting yeast;
1 tsp bread machine yeast;
3/4 cup + 2-3 T  warm water.
kneaded using the dough hook for 11 minutes, pulled into a ball,
covered, allowed to rise until doubled,
divided into 4 equal balls, placed 2" apart, and allowed to rise, covered until they touch.
baked for 25 minutes, and rubbed with olive oil while still hot out the oven.
these buns do something extra special in your face.
and when buttered and pan toasted, they do something terrible to your waist.
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the seeds add crawnch.
the burger is wholesome and terrific and big and yummy as hell.
the onion is bright.
the slaw is clean.
the carrots are sweet.
it needed one more thing-
sriracha mayo.
and then, it was perfect.
ultimate vegan GF burgers.
i told you-
lemme find out how to make GF vegan bread that's good,
and i'll retire somewhere warm while all my money woes disappear.
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i'm missing out and i feel it in my whole body.
also, i feel SO fat in there, too.
that's six separate sandwiches already,
and it was only the third day of sandwich week.
too much is the right amount,
and not enough of the right people is kinda killing me.
my hands don't know how to be regular.
i'm having a hard time doing without,
and especially when i'm not grabbing ANY of the right places.
i know it.
i hate it.
i'm cold.
and i feel it everywhere;
never quiet, never soft.....