gingerbread, man!

molasses!
that's that black-strapped syrup,
straight from the rummy gummy sap-slap
drips and dribbles of pure uncut sugarcane sauce.
...yeah!
it's so thick and sticky,
but,
once i heated it up, and mixed it with vanilla soymilk,
and added all kinds of spices and everything nices,
it made for the perfect dark brownified freshness for my face.
you can't have the cakey bread without that gooey 'lasses.
that's a thing.
no, really.
hey, neighbors,
why don'tcha just check the teleport:

kaBOOM!!
what's up with miniature loaves of demerara-dusted ginger-style bread??!
oh, y'know,
with all the ginger, and then some;
and all the cinnamon you'd expect;
and some of the nutmeg;
and enough cloves to make sure it has that kick-A* activation
and aromatic XI-mas magical scent wafting and floating throughout
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress like ethereal ghosts of holiday cheer.
if jacob marley had smelled like this,
he wouldn't have been able to scare a F*ing thing out of my man ebenezer.
word.
those raw sugar sprankles made sure it was even sweeter, too.
that's expert, huh?
yeah. i know.
i get busy a little itty-bitty teeny-weeny tiny baby bit.
huh?
no, i don't even want to.
but i have to.
it can't be avoided, actually.
i am compelled by the overwhelming infinite nature of my true self.
i'm a bakery barbarian;
a gastonomical glutton of gilded glutens;
a from-scratch fabricator of fancy unnecessaries.
duders,
i am what i am.
i guess that's the most i could really hope for?
tell you what-
i'll stop hoping,
and just keep the ovens hot.
this way,
What Is is all there is.
really real life unfolds in front of us, y'all.
and there are gonna be plenty of breadcrumb trails to lose
if i have anything to say about it;
never quiet, never soft.....

making it up as i go.

duders,
what's in red curry?
i honestly have no idea.
and while i could probably find with nearly no effort,
i'm definitely not gonna do that.
y'know why?
because i'm F*ing expert.
that's why.
c'mon.
besides,
i have lots of coconut milk, and that's dope-
especially when you skim the thickness off the top for specialty usage,
and i have garlic chili paste,
and sriracha,
and ginger,
and g.p.o.p., obvi,
and bragg's....that elite activated amino-acidic saucy soy sh!t...
so,
i mean,
if i also use a little bit of basil, and some starchy thickener?
that's the stuff, neighbors.
hmmm?
well, of course i'm skipping the festy fish paste.
what are you?
an A*-hole?
use your head............for once.
hahaha.
awwwww.
stop it, i'm only teasing....
check the eating-with-company-type teleport:

yuuuuuuuup.
crushed-up coconut and cornstarch and exxxtra-firm tofu,
fried up all golden toasted an' that,
with caramelized red onions, and sauteed red peppers,
and shredded carrots and baby spinach,
with a generous double smear of that custom red curry spread?
expert, like i said.
and by the way, kids,
the custom flatbread dough proofed overnight in the fridge,
and was even more mature and developed and tasty the next day.
real talk.
yes, actually-
i am trying to be a little fancier than usual.
sandwich week is NOT for half-steppin' half-measures.
after all,
too much is always the right amount.
***********
making food.
that's the thing that happens when it's time to make the magic happen.
i guess i'm just a wizard of kitchen spells?
i dunno.
i'm doing what i do,
and that's all there is to do.
i guess i doo-doo that freaky fresh-to-death sh!t.
expert recognize expert,
and that means if you aren't 'bout these sandwiches,
you ain't 'bout activation.
i take dinner to eleven,
with no side orders necessary;
never quiet, never soft.....

eating alone.

uhhhhhh,
just because i sit in a cold dark house most of the time
doesn't mean i have to eat sad crackers and be bummed out.
no,
i mean it.
no matter what else is cold and empty,
my mutha-'ucking bellyhole is gonna stay full and hot.
friends,
go ahead and check the teleport:

that's what i'm talkin' on, duders!
homemade flattie bread?
toasted and roasted and grilled and everything?
i wanted to keep it going.
huh?
oh.
i've been dominating sandwiches all week.
no joke.
i think it might even be sandwich week at
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
that's a thing.
but,
since that's probably the case,
i couldn't just leave that leavened circle bare, could i?!
no way, y'all.
that'd be weak sauce,
and that isn't ever invited, no matter how alone i may be....
so,
i took that pizza-type platter,
and i hit it up fully with fakeout beige bits,
and cukes,
and asparagus,
and pea shoots,
and caramelized red onions?
yuuuuuuuuuuuup.
there's no point on letting the dough rise,
if you aren't gonna roll it out and hook it up.
y'know?
yeah.
i know you know.
neighbors-
cornmeal and whole wheat flour and pinch of salt,
and just a splash of agave make for a breadly reward.
it was just precisely what i needed, too.
a great big thick thick slab of sandwich time,
for my face.
that's it;
never quiet, never soft.....

stay ugly, stay dope.

more of this?
oh.
okay.
check the stoopidhead-type teleport:

yeah, neighbors.
i just thought maybe you'd like to see exactly what takes up
my time during my mornings.
i only ever want to to do more of everything,
and that means that i just do this for now.
a viciously vile visage, improved upon?
i dunno.
i make this sh!t,
and i show it to y'all.
that's the best i've got;
never quiet, never soft..... 

back to the drawing board.

hey, neighbors.
so,
sometimes it's just not busy at the studio.
i mean,
sure,
i tattooed a fidgety sh!t-hot panic attacker today,
and that was great big balls of funtime, for sure-
but otherwise,
it was remarkably quiet at the tattbomb shop.
so,
i grabbed a handful of paper,
and a handful of those old busted markers,
and i made some practice times happen.
huh?
yeah.
i know.
more of that sort of thing has been long overdue.
anyway,
today was a flower day.
check the bouquet-type teleport:

yeah.
the warm tones, tho,
we all agree, are not to be invited back again.
what?
no i don't actually have a red set of marking sticks,
so we do what we do with what we've got, kids.
jeez.
everyone's a critic.
i feel like maybe i'm getting the hang of it, though.
teleport:

filling spaces with blooms and blossoms an' that.
yeah.
i dunno, duders-
drawing seems like the thing i'm supposed to be doing right now,
so i'm doo-dooing it.
we'll see what tomorrow brings, i guess.
***********
december.
yuck.
what a cold dark dismal time of year.
good thing there are so many XI-mas lights everywhere.
it helps out.
it really does.
an ocean of illumination,
a sea of stars,
a swarm of frost-friendly fireflies,
a light in the darkness.
i love the strands of sparkles, kids.
that's real.
there's no such thing as too many,
and there's no such thing as turning them on too soon.
they're shining,
and i'm smiling,
and that's the best i've got;
never quiet, never soft.....

RABBBBBBITRABBBBBBBIT

yes, neighbors,
it's that time of the month, again.
and just to F* with it so hard,
i'm headed southbound to the asscracko'chussetts,
to deliver my darling daughters back to the real world.
the woodsly goodness is diminished greatly in their absence.
hard styles and weak sauce are working together
just to try and mess up our day.
oh,
yeah.
of course.
it's the last day of a long holiday weekend,
so all the masshole tards will all also be headed home...
and there's the threat of wintry weather,
which immediately dismantles what little brain activity they've got,
and makes operating a motor vehicle a slow-motion exercise
in being the absolute worst thing in the world.
nice.
i'm certain the journey's roundtrip racing will be marred
in so many ways by traffic, snow, rain, traffic, state police, traffic,
and all a long drive's constituent A*-holery.
ugh.
*
saying goodbye too soon,
after visiting not enough and driving too long?
that's normally not ever invited,
but the responsibilities of mature adulthood dictate
that i'm doo-dooing one whole sh!t-salad day of all my least favorite things.
uh-huh.
i'm tattooing the instant i get back,
and i hope my road raging road warrior on-the-road spirit doesn't
make for too terrible a day for everyone else.
(actually, we all know i secretly hope i destroy this whole day)
wooooooooord.
don't worry, duders,
i remembered to spit out the magic words,
at the stroke of midnight,
and again when i woke up.
obviously,
i cultivate coincidental good fortune where i can find it,
and i find myself thinking maybe THIS month will finally be the one.
rabbit, rabbit.
yeah,
i said it.
i need to have it happen.
i know better, so i just wish harder, and work hardest,
and let the pieces of the puzzle fall into place.
they all fit somewhere,
and we're gonna watch the big picture reveal itself.
today is the day.
the first day of the last month.
that's kind of an important thing.
we've got thirty one days ahead of us
in which to activate the eleventh level of expertism,
and y'know what?
i think we're gonna.
*
and let's end it/start it on a high note.
check the teleport:

yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.
cranberry-sauced brown sugary oatmeal panniecakes.
we know how to make the magic happen, friends.
i mean,
we ARE expert active participants after all.
today is the day.
the first day,
the last day,
the worst day,
and the best;
never quiet, never soft.....

one to go.

duders,
this is it.
the last day in november.
what did i do today?
i drew some dumb pictures,
i drew some not-so-dumb pictures,
and i ate a whole lot of chinese food.
that's it.
check the teleport:

uh-huh.
oh,
and i outlined this big pain in the ribs, too:

ouch.
it is actually straight,
but swollen lines on swollen bodies tend to blarp out
and get a little twisted in the captured images.
yeah, neighbors.
november wasn't the best one ever,
but it sure did have a whole lot of expert elements.
i'm so grateful for the people who made it possible
for me to span time like a worthy warrior poet,
and for the woodsly goodness where it all really happens,
and for the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress that i dwell in.
there are a few great ones around after all....
we'll just have to see how they deal
with the hard styles of a long december.
it's coming right up;
never quiet, never soft.....

i'm doing it wrong?

neighbors-
i thought snapchat was for disappearing boob pictures.
but i never got any.
awwwwww.
but,
for whatever reason,
i've got an epic color palette on my phone for those jauns,
and i've been getting busy,
and keeping it expert for a little minute now.
i know nobody wants to see my beat-up old face,
but i've done my best to make it interesting.
check the free-time's-a'wastin'-type teleport:

yup.
that's what's happening these days.
i jus can't do what i'm supposed to, i guess.
you're welcome for the d!ck-pics,
and when i say d!ck,
i obviously mean the guy in the photos.
ugh.
hard styles, kids.
stay ugly, stay dope;
never quiet, never soft.....

look at my food.

neighbors,
i overdid it.
dinner for eleven,
taken to eleven,
in quality and quantity,
but eaten by just four people.
too much is the only amount.
that's real.
don't believe me?
okay.
but,
before you judge too quickly,
check the vegan-means-i'm-smug-and-satisfied-type teleport:

yuuuuuuuuuuuup.
SO many expert mutha-ucking treats on one plate!
hmmmm.
i made a lot of everything,
despite actually scaling back the massive portions of yesteryear.
ugh.
fatness for my loud, fresh, face,
and volume for all the loud, hard heroic buttholes in the postscript.
huh?
oh,
i'm just talking about those tofurky farts.
duh.
we definitely brought the thunder,
once all the greasy lightning had been gobbled an' that.
hahaha.
oh, c'mon.
*
anyway,
garlic mashed potatoes?
yuuuuuup.
we need those secret recipe skin-on smoothies for our faceholes!
*
garlic-and-broth-blanched baby kale?
indeed.
it's baby-sized, and that's so darn cute.
it tastes grown-up,
but we appreciate style-points awarded for presentation.
fact.
*
soy-glazed fried brussels sprouts?
you know it.
harvest insisted on those,
and made them mostly herself.
expert.
*
homemade medium chestnut-colored golden roux
and nootch-blasted smooth brown gravy?
of course.
if you can't slather a sloppy sauce on top of all
your beige-on-beige business,
you're probably F*ing up.
no jokes.
*
a globe of blarpity beige fake-turkey-type extruded soy-and-seitan?
tofurky is just the weirdest,
but, i mean...
...yeah,
obviously, we had to have it.
these kids love traditions as much as i do.
really real ones know about samesies.
we like the same stuffs.
and that's all good stuff.
*
oh,
now wait just a minute...
is that maple-sweetened cornbread with all-new third-generation
activated futuristic hottness,
in the form of sausage-seasoned tempeh dressing/stuffing?
you'd best believe i wasn't gonna miss out on MY favorite sh!t.
i don't take shorts, y'all.
what am i?
ungrateful?
or worse,
an A*-hole?
no way.
*
but what about homemade cranberry sauce?!!!!
the good kind.
hmmm?
no.
i said the good kind!
don't be gross!
it's not the weird orange-peel and clove crap.
instead,
i get it poppin'.
i make the maple and brown sugar, apple-cider simmered,
vanilla-splashed pure crimson bog-harvested magic
that makes everything taste like the holidays peed out red gold sorcery
as a perfect accentuated exclamation.
word!
delicious.
***********
me and mine had a fine feast.
and two desserts.
folded filo dough apple-pie triangles,
and graham-crackery apple-tart with whipped-creamishness.
uh-huh.
too much, kids.
it's how we show our appreciation for having enough.
because enough is never really enough.
yeah.
food is good.
good food is better.
great food and even better people makes it all the best.
thanks have been given;
never quiet, never soft.....

preparations!

yeah.
take a peek at what harvest,
and maple,
and i made happen yesterday,
from morning to afternoon to night,
whilst we spanned time after time upon time
getting it going on up in front of the stove and oven.
teleport:

blue potatoes, butternut squash,
hand-peeled popped-open red pearl onions,
brussels sprouts, baby carrots, butterishness, g.p.o.p.
salt and pepper makes for a fancy color-change roasted jauns.
expert.
and what about this business right here?
check it, via teleportational activation:

pecans and dried cranberries and cinnamon and olive oil
dumped, draped, and drizzled over diced butternut squash?
expert.
ohhhh,
but,
what about this other other teleport:

c'mon.
maple sweetened sweet potatoes,
with brown sugar sprankles,
and caramelized red onion and leeks,
and tempeh bacon crumbles?
expert.
so,
then what were we gonna sop up all that succulence with?
teleport:

agave and honey and corn and bread,
all in the same place!
expert.
***********
there're leftovers galore.
the fridge here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress is bursting.
we know how to add the over-the-top epic-level shark-gluttony
to any celebration.
we get it in, neighbors.
and we keep it at eleven,
because expert recognize expert.
real talk, real life,
we have been given some time to fill with freshness,
and we've accepted the challenge;
never quiet, never soft.....

fattest.

hey, neighbors-
happy thanksgiving,
from all of us to some of you.
huh?
well,
sorry, y'all,
but we're just not equally as thankful for everybody.
we like the ones we like,
and the rest can F* right off.
we're grateful for the time we've been given,
and the opportunities we seize,
and the talents we've been naturally endowed with,
and for all the expert sh!t that really happens all around us.
it's just that if it isn't dope,
it has to F* right off.
rules is rules.
we don't give thanks for nothin', duders.
that's real.
oh, c'mon.
*
i'm cooking.
so much,
so hard,
so hot.
we are SO gonna stuff our big fat greedy gaping vegetarian faces
with lumpy potato blops,
and sweet potato blops,
and mashed potato blops.
potato-shaped battle beasts are what's up.
there's no question about that, kids.

yuuuuuuuup.
hungry hungry jauns an' that.
we are vegetarian monsters, after all...
furious, raging, gluttonous territorial destroyers,
and that's pretty flippin' dope.
which means we woodsly goodfolk won't be F*ing right off,
now, will we?
wordimus prime.
***********
today is the day,
for professional appreciators to be professionally appreciative.

that's it.
there is a feast being baked,
and simmered,
and sauteed,
and broiled,
and grilled,
and roasted,
and toasted,
and all of that sort of thing.
we have plenty to eat.
we have a house full of warmth and light and laughter.
we are spanning time, together.
this is the day for gratitude and generosity,
for expertism and activation,
for all of it to unfold exactly like it's supposed to.
thanks;
never quiet. never soft.....
(with apologies to shawn hebrank for co-opting his hippo love affair)