RECTANGULAR!!!!!

so,
i tattooed my coworker's face yesterday.
yup.
huh?
no, not his forehead.
why does everyone always say that?
his face face, like his temple and his cheek.
tattooing is cool some of the time,
but, tattooing faces?
that's always kind of a big deal.
i mean,
it's his F*ing face.
the thing is,
i was just fixing up some already-there stuff.
that's the thing, man.
you don't wanna have a tattoo on your face that you aren't that into.
because,
like i just said,
it's your F*ING FACE!
the old stuff needed a little nicey-nice performed on it,
so i did it over, and hooked it up,
and i think everybody is better off because of it.
you have your version of doing good deeds,
and i have mine.
y'know what else i have?
a really cool loaf pan.
it's a springform, with a spillover well around it,
and it's tall and long as heck.
i don't use it often,
but when i do,
i make something especially rectangular.
that's just how that works.
-
do i have a picture of the dude's face?
no.
did i snap a shot of that cool pan?
umm, that's a no, too.
but,
have i got a glamour shot of a super chocolate coconut log?
damned straight i do, bro,
they're called priorities.
and that's where mine are situated
check the teleport:

CHOCOCONUT!! COCOANUT!!
YEAH!!!!!!
neighbors,
i love a super rich cake,
i also happen to have a soft spot for brown sugary stuff.
and i've got a serious predisposition towards sprankles.
which is why i'm so psyched on this treat!
uh-huh.
freshly-ground unsweetened unsulphured flake coconut is your friend.
if you aren't friends yet, introduce yourself,
and if, once you've met, you don't get along?
congrats, you're not very cool.
bummmmmmmmmmer.
now,
for all the rest of us, tho,
we're about to be elbows deep in dopeness, and that's no joke.
you want to know what's dwelling inside this burly barbarian block
of brown sugary sweet lovin' and such?
ok.
here's the list:
-
*
CHOCOLATE COCONUT CAKE!
-
1 stick vegan butterish;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 cup brown sugar;
1/3 cup cocoa;
3/4 cup coconut-milk yogurt.
^mash and mush and whip and whisk all that up together,
and then add in:
1 cup freshly-crushed coconut, ground to a coarse flour;
2 cups a.p. flour;
4 T tapioca;
1 T cornstarch;
2 tsp bakey kapowpow;
1 tsp bakey soda;
1 cup coconut milk (the drinking kind, not the can kind)
^^^^
hand-stir it all together.
uh-huh.
with a flippin' spatula.
i knowwwwww i always recommend the stand mixer,
and really, you should still get one,
but this chunky crumbly cakey magic doesn't need it.
that's all i'm sayin'.
grease and flour your sorcerously sexxy loaf pan,
or a round springform,
or two 8" rounds,
or whatever,
and bake the batter,
at 350F, for 30-50 minutes depending on which container it's in.
my long loaf pan is tall and deep and big as heck,
so it took almost an hour,
during which time the sides got crispy, like a brownie,
and the middle was jusssssssst this side of finished.
like,
it's soft and moist,
but,
it's still fully-baked-through.
....and it's also SO nice!
that's a nice piece of work, but i couldn't just leave it naked and alone.
which is why i dressed it for success on top!
yuuuuup-
a little coconut oil, a little of that coconut milk,
and a whole bunch of dark chocolate, melted together,
had the ganache game going strong and long in glistening glaze
and in the domination of the drizzle dribble.
expert.
plus,
we got ourselves the big flaky shrapnel flakes of coconutty sprankles,
AND more drizzles on top of all of that.
c'mon, friends.
by now you should already know what's up:
too much is the right amount.
anything other than that is a fall-shortening of your utmost potential.
ha!
and we wouldn't want to do that, would we?
no way.
i'm cutting slice after slice, and i'm liable to keep it up until it's all gone.
bye bye, cake.
***********
every single day, dudes.
y'gotta make something good.
or do something good.
or be good at something.
or get good and mad at something that isn't any good.
here's the thing:
active participation, like activism, requires activation.
redundant?
a little,
but if you aren't actively seeking improvements,
then you're missing the whole point.
this is IT, man,
it's all really happening.
you can't mush in your seat,
you can't slump in your space,
you've gotta DO some sh!t.
don't give me reasons why you can't.
i'm not listening.
you're not excused.
there's always something to do.
so get active, get into it, and go after it.
i don't care what it is you're on about-
just make sure it's good;
never quiet, never soft.....

WAFFLEWEDNESDAY A.M.!!

hash browns are pretty good.
huh?
no, that's not exactly breaking news,
but up until a month ago,
i didn't really eff with 'em at all.
nope.
and that's because homefries are so expert,
there's really no good reason to skip e'm.
........except,
when you waffle-fry a batch of hashies,
and you get that good-good all-over crispy crunch?
suddenly,
the nerd has taken off her glasses and overalls,
and she's super F*ing sexxxy.
yup.
then, the very next thing you know,
that shredded mess has transformed into a true a scene stealer.
yesterday morning was no exception-
with paper-thin red onion, himalayan pink mountain salt,
and a whole mess of coarse-cracked multicolored peppercorns,
i had myself a seriously savage stormswept raging round of potato power!!!
neighbors,
check the big-big-breakfastses-type teleport:

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD.
c'mon, kids.
that's what's up.
one big and one small potato,
one white, one red, both shredded to bits.
i LOVE this sh!t.
it's crunchy, it's crispy, it's salty, and after a quick peel, a little grater activation,
and a hard squeeze to unjuice those watery spuds,
you just put it in the iron, and walk away.
how awesome is that?
awesome enough to give me time to mess around with the rest of breakfast, for sure.
yum.
YUMMMM.
yeah.
-
fried tomatoes?
they're kind of my thing.
what's the story with them?
um, once upon a time,
you put halved grape tomatoes cut-side down, in hot oil, and let them cook.
the end.
ha.
they're delicious, dudes. that's the truth.
and when you put them on everything else?
they're doubly delish.
word up,
-
if you've never had tofu scrambo, you're messing up.
turmeric and Garlic Powder and Onion Powder,
smoked paprika and nutritional yeast, on exxxtra-firm crumbles 'fu,
with a dash of salt, pepper, and olive oil?
that's all you need to have an amazing day.
for serious.
try it, you'll see what i mean.
and,
if you just happen to drop some sliced AVO-F*ING-CADO on top?!!?
it takes it even further to the limits of tastiness.
how could it even get more awesome?
cilantro sprankles.
wordimus prime.
is there even anything else that we could do?
oh, of course there is.
yup.
you guessed it-
a splash or three of ho'sauce!!!!
i don't play when it comes to activating an epic brekkie.
and a little drizzle of my buddy pete, from texas, took this sh!t to eleven.
-
hey,
is that enough for you?
no?
good call. that was a test.
you passed.
...barely.
look here, buddy:
rules is rules,
and enough is never enough.
you know it-
too much is the right amount.
so how about some black beans?
ok?
OK!
i mean, i had a whole bunch from taco pizza night,
and it'd be dumb to waste them, right?
right
so a little red onion, and a bit of minced poblano,
and a blast of ho'sauce,
plus some scallion sprankles,
had me happy to hog out on some big black burliness!
i am genuinely delighted whenever i'm eating good food.

***********
there's more where this came from.
the food.
the words.
the pictures.
i do this because i love this,
and i love this because it's fulfilling.
you're reading, i'm writing.
i'm doing what i do,
and i wouldn't have it any other way.
there is a hidden kind of heart and soul in what i'm about.
...it's there, i promise.
i'm blatantly bleating about how bad-A* my beans are,
but what i'm really composing is a love song to Folk Life & Liberty.
it's a paean to the prowess of active participation,
and it's a major production in a minor key-
that's all you need to know to sing along;
never quiet, never soft.....

WAFFLEWEDNESDAY P.M.!!

it's not coincidence if you orchestrate it.

like,

if you don't put away the waffle iron,

there's a decent chance you'll be reminded of waffles

every time you walk by it.

uh-huh.

and i didn't even want dinner, duders,

but i ended up representing on some non-traditional,

yet still molto molto expert wonderwaffle wizardry anyway.

shoutouts to supper echoing breakfast.

yeah.

-

i had an idea.

it wasn't a brand new one,

but it was a damned good one....

it hit me when i got home from the far-away weirdie store,

which i drove to through the deepest thickest suckiest daytime fog.

uh-huh.

rainy, doo-doo buttery day-off awfulness wasn't going to stop me from

going after more of that bamboo rice, at the last place i found it.....

of course,

it's the far-away weirdie store, and they have absolutely no guaranteed stock-

so, unfortunately, it's likely gone for good, 

and i effed up a chunk of my afternoon taking the trip.

but i didn't come back empty handed, guys.

c'mon.

you should know better than to think i'd be completely defeated.

that dirty store is full of other other weird sh!t, 

and i'm not trying to miss out on interesting weirdie food opportunities.

uh-huh.

i've even got another 'nother big idea germinating for creating vegan roe, 

to activate on top of some sushi.

ha!

i plan my days around what i'm going to eat.

that's no joke.

and when i get a notion into my noggin,

there's no stopping it from infiltrating and incubating inside my mind,

until actions are taken and results are produced.

i don't know if that sounds cool to you or not,

but maybe try living like that for a bit, 

and you'll see that it isn't all that amazing.

for really real, tho, neighbors-

obsessing about dinner is a weird way to spend your day.

anyway,

back to these ideas.

i thought i'd have to have waffles, again.

yup.

that's it.

waffle wednesday.

it's a thing.

i whipped up a savory herbed cornbread circle,

AND some chik'n-fried nashville-style seitan.

WORD UP.

i told you, it's a damned good idea.

check out the teleport:

HOT HOT HOT!!!

dudes,

the waffle situation was spot on.

the seitan?

crispy outsides, and juicy insides and spicy like a sunovagun.

you wanna make a cornbread waffle?

i bet you do,

here's how it's done:

-

*

CORNBREAD WAFFLE!

-

1/2 cup flour;

1/3 cup cornmeal;

1/4 tsp salt;

2 T melted vegan butter;

1/2 tsp bakey powder;

1/2 tsp bakey soda;

1/2 cup + 2 T non-dairymilk;

cracked black pepper, GPOP. sage, parsley, 

and a dash of ground mustard.

^ that's it.

mix it up, adjust the liquid if necessary,

and make a mo'-F*in' waffle, man.

it doesn't have to be insanely complicated to taste insanely good.

-

that seitan, tho.

that's the big business.

when it's prepared like a pro, the end product is the TRUTH.

how do we do that?

easy-

y'gotta drain it, squeeze it, and poke fork holes all through out it.

why?

because you're gonna soak it for an hour in pickle brine, bro.

yeah!

...i happened to use the last of a jar of dill discs, \

and i took that opportunity to dunk a couple slabs in the sauce,

and let 'em marinate in all that tasty juice!

-

and while they soaked,

i combined;

1 T flour;

1 T cornstarch;

1 tsp cayenne;

1/2 tsp smoked paprika;

1/2 tsp hot paprika;

1/2 tsp sweet paprika;

cracked black pepper;

Garlic Powder and Onion Powder;

a little pinchy-pinch of that sexxxy pink salt;

and a handful of well-crushed cornflakes,

all together in shallow bowl, to dredge and bread and otherwise coat

my succulent seitan slices for maxxximum fry-up crunchiness.

yep.

and when they've been crisped up on both sides while shallow fried in hot oil,

you'd do well to take a tablespoon of ho'sauce, a tsp of vegan butter, 

and a tsp of cayenne, and heat 'em all up together, to glaze those crunchy crusts

with even MORE furious fuego for your face!!!!

YEAH!!!

too much is the right amount,

and MORE hottness is always what we need.

pickles?

obvi.

don't be dumb.

nashville jauns get the pickles,

rule is rules.

and how about that gravy?

i love gravy.

this one was especially thick.

i guess my roux was even more righteous than i'd guessed.

it made my beige blops the best i've had in a while...

i love it when that happens.

parsley sprankles are key here too.

a pop of color keeps all that earth-toned tastiness form looking lame.

i wouldn't want that.

you wouldn't want that.

heck,

i even added that superslaw for my jaw to prevent that.

mmmmhmmmm.

carrot, pink radicchio, purple cabbage, green cabbage, parsley, and pea shoots,

with a slap of vegenaise, and a shot of salt and pepper....

i want the pretty plates, friends.

...and i want pretty food on 'em.

***********

there are worse things than a rainy day off.

much much worse things.

i spent a great deal of time with crabtree.

he loved it.

i like it a little.

we made the most of our time,

and we both slept hard for a change.

turns out, 

investing undivided attention in your terrible terrier 

makes him slightly less terrible.

that's really good news for rainy days spent holed-up with injured limbs,

but regrettable information for most every other one, tho.

we thrive on attention, he and i,

we are an awful lot alike in our awfulness.

except, 

he's a handsome musclebound moron that the ladies loooooove,

and i'm certainly not any of that.

that's the best and worst news i've ever reported.

but it's all really happening,

and that's the whole point;

never quiet, never soft.....

TACO TUESDAY?!!?!

i like the things that i like to the extreme.

like,

i could eat a pizza every day.

i could eat tacos every day.

i could wake up and make sweet sweaty love every single morning.

i could fall asleep to the smell of ivy and candles every night.

i could draw skulls and flowers for the rest of my life.

i cold talk about food, at length, and in detail, forever.

.......wait just a second there, neighbors-

i already DO most of that.

uh-huh.

i doo-doo that freaky sh!t.

i had tacos on monday,

pizza on sunday,

my room smells of scented magic and live plants,

and i steadily scribe skulls and/or flowers six days a week.....

and yeah...ok...fine, 

those sweet soft lovelies aren't anywhere around these parts,

but that just means i get to make the same stuff for dinner again,

and nobody is going to complain.

then again,. i think regular people F* around with leftovers....

which, on the rare occasions where i even have any orts and scraps left over,

i do NOT allow back into the meal plan.

new food is where it's at, the less used food i allow a second chance the better-

i think that's the template for all of my life, actually.

awwwwww.

well,

now that we all know how i will likely end up-

which is to say: fat, and alone, 

surrounded by drawings of bloom and decay,

tangled in long lengths of cascading vines,

while the oven kicks into overdrive-

we can now move on to the heart of the story.

yeah.

i had two deep dish pizzas in three days.

and i had five fatter'n fat tacos on the following one.

...where do we go from there?

YUP!!!

good guess, guys-

TACO MUTHA-'UCKING PIZZA!!!!

that's right, and that's righteous.

check the combination sensation type teleport:

WORD!!!

taco pizza! taco pizza!! taco pizza!!! TACO PIZZA!!!! 

TACO PIZZA!!!!!

the sort of sexxxy sh!t that's always expert, 

and always welcome to grace my table with it's tastiness.

pepper-less nootch-boosted ho'sauce activated refrieds as the base!

thicker than thick, and smoother than ever!

guess who had a stash of enchilada sauce hangin' out for just this moment?

it was me! 

a swirl of that,

and a handful each of daiya cheddar AND mozzarella,

because two chee' is the taco blend of choice up in here.

shaved red onion?

oh yeah, lots and lots of that.

and chipotle seitan, with minced poblanos.

i don't want crumbles, man.

i want the whole slab.

dudes,

everybody who knows how to select the hottness from off of a spice rack

has their own blend of mexican spices, 

in proportion to their preferred heat and flavor profile...

i went for smokier and sweeter, and a little subtle on the heat, it's there,

but i let the jalapeno slices and red chilis work their magic on the front end,

because i'm not afraid to zing it up for my face!

heck, i even drizzle some texas pete up on that b!tch.

i am a lover of the sharpest of fuegos, friends.

mmhmmm.

tomatoes made an appearance, because that's what's done when it's done correctly.

and black beans are good, too. 

i'll bet i'm using them again in something tonight, probl'y-

since i have a ton left over, now.

ha.

too much is the right amount. kids,

but there's only so much you can fit on a pizza.

fried garlic sprankles?

rules is rules.

post-bake scallion sprankles?

heck yes, that's a fresh bite.

cilantro sprig sprankles?!?

don't be dumb, it's a sh!tty taco pizza if it doesn't have cilantro.

that's a thing.

...

and that vegan sour cream drizzle???????

a little cool, smooth, creaminess is more expert than most things.

which is why i went even further with that idea.

yup.

AVO-F*ING-CADO on top, to take it to eleven!!!!!

kaBOOM!

...the lime wedges, tho, bro.

just the right tight and bright note needed to really activate 

any latent mutant x-man powers that may have been waiting on top of that

well-proved semi-semolina crust.

uh-huh.

full omega-level jauns are in effect.

that's real.

one pizza, one man, no sharing, no problem.

that's how taco tuesday is taken to the top in my house.

***********

is it going to be rainy today?

if i'm lucky.

i mean,

it finally warmed up around here, in full force, 

and with genuinely high temperatures,

but today is my day OFF from tattooing,

so i'd hope that my parade will be rained on. 

it's only right, right?

we wouldn't want to let any optimism creep into the daily routine.

especially not after a few sleepless werewolfen full moon nights,

and a week of exhausting limp-and-lumbering on unlimbered limbs.

nah, man- it's cool.

it may be a good reason not to make whatever is wrong any worse.

and that might even make it better.

and that might even open a side door, 

so a little optimism can sneak in without a ticket.

see?

it's a sequence of events.

step by step, even with a drag and a shuffle,

we're going forward.

i'll let the rain seep in,

and i'll step out and start singin', too.

it's all really happening,

and there's no stopping it;

never quiet, never soft.....

MEXICAN MONDAY!!!!!

long days and hard styles and tough times.

rough and tumble throwdowns on the lowdown.

rundown rabble-rousing roughhousers.

that's what i know best.

that's what i deal with daily,.

when i'm away from the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,

mixing with the animals out in the wilds and wolds of the woodsly goodness,

it's a big ol' batch of bad news, and worse people, and terrible conversations,

and low budgets and lower literacy levels and even lower standards and morals

just about everywhere i turn.

so,

why do i stay?

because i'm a glutton for punishment 

in addition to being a glutton for everything else,

and besides, i'm pathologically averse to giving up.

for some weird reason,

forty one straight years of interacting with quitters 

has made me overreact in the opposite direction at full force,

with wildly fanatical determination,

at the expense of tolerance and patience and rational responses.

yeah.

i'm like that.

so, i'm here,

and i'm doing the things i'd do anywhere else anyway,

only,

with fewer people around to appreciate and participate in any of it.

and the thing is-

it's ALL really happening.

the intensive active conscious conscientious making and taking 

of a hard-fought and hard won Folk Life.

yup.

it's just happening out of frame from the 'necktard F*ery 

of this forest realm's more plentiful doings and goings on.

hey,

just because you can't see it doesn't mean it's not dope.

that's real.

or so i tell myself,

while i labor away in the last lonely lovely house i'll likely call home,

doing all these things i do,

largely out of sight, and mind, of the general populace.

but,

when i do have company,

you'd better believe i treat them like any viking thane would.

WORD. THE. F*. UP.

gratitude and generosity are what's called for,

and they're what i dispense in equal measures.

real talk.

why mention any of this? 

because beau came by for supper,

and we made it a mexican monday to remember.

uh-huh.

tacos were created, and tacos were destroyed,

and after all the tattooing and semi-crippled crawling and grocery getting

out amongst the general populace,

the small-scale largess of an expert meal was bright and tight and all right, alright.

yes.

the place i live is idyllic except for the people,

and inversely, 

i'm not a good-lookin' fella, but i'm lovely on the inside.

is that conceited?

i don't think it is.

i'm just sayin'-

stay ugly stay dope isn't something i take lightly.

neither are tacos.

hahaha.

really guys, it's all about the food.

it always is.

check the teleport:

damn daaamn daaaaamn DAAAAAAAAMN!!!!

that's what's up.

all in all, 

we had ten tacos between us.

yup.

five tacos, stacked like open-faced burritos, 

like we had something to prove to the gods of overindulgence, almost.

ha.

and a big bowl of cilantro lime jasmine rice!

a whole pot of buttery, onion-and-pepper-laced, nootch-boosted 

ho'sauce-activated refried pintos!

and three avocados' worth of rainbow fiesta guacamole.

i have to be honest, neighbors-

the guac rocks my socks.

i'm serious.

red onion, red orange, and yellow super-sweet bell pepper, 

minced poblano, jalapeno, and red chili,

scallion, cilantro, avocado, GPOP, salt, pepper, garlic, lemon and lime juice?!?

boo.

that's IT.

it's a taste exxxplosion that sends aftershocks to every extremity.

......

and those tacos, guys.,

those tacos are what's right about veganism.

none of that spice-packet poop,

no crawnchy crap crisp cracking shrapnel, 

only soft flour freshness, toasted up. 

and real herbs and spices and seasonings and sh!t.

real recognize real,

and BOX MIX IS STILL FOR JERKS.

hahaha.

that's no joke.

-

duders,

i made some chipotle-spiced fried-garlic-sprankled super sweet corn.

that was dope.

chipotle and ancho pepper, smoked paprika, cumin, and agave, 

with salt, black pepper, and a little onion to make it all better.

sugary and crunchy and yellow and great.

i want that.

i made that.

i had that.

i ate that.

expert.

-

seitan asada? yup. 

homeamde hottness is always the key,

but the bell and poblano strips, and the sweet onion, lime cilantro,

oregano, cumin, thyme, smoky paprika, liquid smoke, 

and exxxtra broth all did their part

to turn an already awesome and powerful protein source 

into a pure-being batch of the biggest of big actions.

seitan is my favorite.

seitan is beau's favorite.

we made a lot. 

there wasn't any left over. 

too much is the right amount,

and sometimes, almost not enough.

yeah.

-

tomatoes, cucumbers, red onion, baby green leaf lettuce, all of that is there.

shredded carrots, purple cabbage, cilantro, and green onion played their part, as well,

tomatoey ranchero sauce?

i had some, and that stopped by to play on some of 'em.

...and golden mango?

sweet.

soft.

yellow as heck.

and so dope.

little accents like that make such a huge impression on my mouth.

i mean it.

those happy little zips and pops of unexpected flavor 

are what take the experience way up to eleven.

ANYbody can add water and dead deconstructed beef bits 

to the poor person hobby kit,

but that's like saying you LIKE being a F*ing A*hole.

don't do that.

it's bad news.

treat yourself better than that.

it's possible something good will happen if you do.

like,

you'll get a way more awesome meal, at the very least.

*

live where it's lovely,

and get down and dirty all by your lonely.

that's good advice,

sure,

you could stay beautiful on the skin, 

but you may be getting uglier from within.

however,

if you really are what you eat?

then as far as beau and i are concerned,

we must be a couple of super-sexxxy sunzab!tches,

no matter what your eyes may be telling you to the contrary;

never quiet, never soft.....

ROCKBLOXXX 4LIFE!!!!

i got my cookies.
neighbors,
i got 'em.
and i got 'em good.
oh, yeah...
and when i say i got my cookies?
i mean that in all seriousness.
yup.
rock bloxxx.
my cookies.
i can't stay away from this recipe for very long.
...they are my favorites, after all.
and every single time i make them,
i remember right away why i try to wait a while in between batches-
because too much is the right amount,
especially when it comes to the bloxxx.
yup.
three is the minimum serving size.
and multiples of three is more than likely the actual level of consumption.
they're too temptingly tasty,
and they just go down so smooth,
you take a bite, and the next thing you know,
you're six deep into a binge of fresh-baked barbarianism.
no, no hyperbole.
that's real.
so,
i take a few weeks off from the berserker battle-bloxxx-rockin' beastliness,
and give my psyche time to psych itself up for another 'nother round
of cookie monstrousness.
dudes,
i mean it.
i could do some real damage to my whole body,
without even meaning to,
if these cookies were always available.
and the thing of it is-
i have the means to make that a reality-
the ingredients, the recipe, the wherewithal, and the drive-
thankfully,
some small self-preservation instinct usually asserts itself before i
stir up another 'nother couple of dozens of these crucial baked greats,
and shark-glutton myself into a less-recognizable corpulent blob of humanity.
yup.
awwww, don't worry, guys-
i doubt you have the same trials with self-control and portion control.
you'll be fine if you crush a quick trio, i'm sure of it.
-
not everything i make is always expert,
but rock bloxxx are a long-standing labor of love,
and if anything is worth a sh!t in this world i wallow in?
uh-huh.
it's these.
check the teleport:

wordimus prime.
i used chunks AND chips.
rules is rules, man.
we can't be out here with the weak-A* diaperbutts, can we?
i wouldn't recommend it.
at least,
not if we're lookin' to activate these cookies as well and truly as they deserve anyway.
they seem so unassuming.
just a bunch of stacks on stacks on stacks.
but, that first bite will bring you into the fold, friends.
coconut?
check.
oatmeal?
check.
brown sugar?
check.
vanilla bean paste?
checkity check check.
mmmmmmmmm.
do you want to make these?
ok.
here you are, here you go, and you are welcome-
-
* 
ROCK BLOXXX!!!
-
1 cup brown sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla bean paste (sub vanilla);
1 stick + 2 T vegan butterish;
^creamed together, and whisked up with:
3/4 cup applesauce;
3 T maple syrup/agave.
to that sloppy mudslide, you'll be adding:
2 cups a.p. flour;
1 tsp bakey powder;
1 tsp bakey soda;
1/2 cup fresh ground oat flour- from old fashioned rolled oatmeal;
AND
1/3-1/2 fresh ground unsweetened dry flake coconut;
AND all the chocolate chu]ips and chunks you think you can fit.
YEAH!
make that into dough, yo.
you've made cookies, you know the drill.
roll out golfy ballers and flaten 'em a bit, too,
so that yo can bake the for 13 minutes,
at 375F,
and then enjoy the holy-ever-lovin'-livin'-sh!tballs outta every last bite.
-
maybe you won't like them at all-
maybe you don't even like the sound of them.
is that you?
i hope not,
but if so,
congratulations,
you're definitely an A*-hole.
***********
my back is still on the outs.
what a huge bummer that is.
i'm hobbled and humbled and a little humiliated
by my inability to move with efficiency.
i'm limping around,
trying to get things going,
trying hard to keep things positive,
and trying harder, albeit unsuccessfully,
to impose the power of will on a very steadfast won't.
ouch.
i've lost a week, and that's pure sh!t.
i haven't taken a single second to sit around, though.
that's be like giving up.
my body is just going to have to figure out how to heal on the fly,
because there is very simply to much i want to get done.
and on top of all that,
i'm over here pigging out on a pile of perfect cookies.
jeez, sometimes, i even impress myself.
i'm wrenching out in every way, and i wasn't even paying attention to it.
my infinite natural tendencies are competing
with the finite tendons and tensions of my physical form.
you  think you've chosen the wrench, kids.
but,
really, when the dust settles and the smoke clears?
it's the wrench that always chooses you;
never quiet, never soft....

GOING DEEPER!!!!

ugh.
i knew i had a second dough waiting for me.
and that's the thing, man.
it's just calling to me from the fridge,
begging me to deepen my dishes into even doper deliciousness.
you think that's easy?
yeah.
it really kind of is.
ha!
pizza is one of those things that's so expert,
you almost have to give in to temptation.
and with the dough all proofed and ready,
i'd be a real A*-hole to squander such a tasty opportunity
to make a magnificent meal in one prefect circle.
so, i did just that,
despite growing concerns over my growing waist.
uh-huh.
pizza will overturn all rulings,
undermine all regimes,
and infiltrate all attempts at dieting.
pizza is the TRUTH,
and pizza is life, my dudes.
y'wanna see the closest i've allowed myself to come to a traditional chicago jaun?
you do?!
well, isn't good news-
because that's what's poppin' through this teleport:

WORD UP.
pizza is my favorite part of any day that has pizza in it.
ummmmm.
c'mon.
look at those fried garlic slabs on top!
and a dusting of nootch, too?
elite.
those parsley sprankles on all that chunky tomato magic don't hurt, either.
if we delve deeper,
you know what we'll find?
MORE.
that's my favorite part about the deep d.
there's so much to discover.
arugula and daiya mozzarella?
we got that.
sausage-seasoned seitan?
that's right.
a from-scratch batch of my custom homemade seitan is always a good move.
you ever make seitan?
no?
you might wanna try it, because it's F*ing expert.
real talk.
here's the recipe, just in case you're feeling adventurous later:
-
*
SEITAN!
-
1 cup vital wheat gluten;
1/4 cup garbanzo bean(chick pea) flour;
3 T tapioca starch;
heavy teaspoonfuls of Garlic Powder and Onion Powder;
black pepper;
3/4 cup warm broth, with 1 T tamari, and a splash of liquid smoke.
^knead and combine and mix, and mash, and roughhouse that into a strandy ball,
and let it rest a short while,
as a potful of smoky salty barbarian broth rises to a boil.
uh-huh.
basically, the bigger version of the interior seitan sauce,
to simmer it in, is essential.
-
slice the dough into slabs, 1/4" thick or so,
and drop them into the power-charging brothy juice bath!
bring it all back up to a boil,
but drop the heat down to a simmer,
and let 'em soak for at least 30 minutes, but up to an hour is perfectly fine.
-
keep 'em immersed in their own juice to store 'em,
and use 'em within a week for best results.
*
ANYway,
i fried up some of that good stuff in olive oil,
minced into little crumblies,
with sweet peppers, and fennel and sage and GPOP,
black pepper, liquid smoke, smoked paprika, oregano, parsley,
rosemary, and fire-roasted tomato flakes.
yum yum YUMM YUMMM YUMMM!
that went in, and sat on top of even MORE daiya mozzarella,
and a layer of daiya cheddar,
which, in turn, was laid out on a layer of caramelized onions,
and that just happened to hit bottom on a slappy slather
of homemade cashew-garlic-tofu underchee'......
kaPOW!
that's a pretty major undertaking of an evening.
baked away in a buttered springform, for twenty minutes,
at an unbearably hot 490F,
for the maxxximum golden flaky bambam boomfire in a perfect circle.
....and it's deeeeeeeeeep.
so deep,
in fact,
that i was waxing philosophical without realizing it.
guys,
i'd lapsed into esoteric thoughts after just two bites!
ha.
sausagey, peppery, oniony, aruguly (that's a thing),
and SO flippin' tomato and garlicky,
not to mention triple cheesy!!!
if you aren't down to do harm to yourself in the name of nutrition and deglutition,
masochism and mastication,
well, then,
you certainly aren't going to get invited over here for supper.
that's for sure.
-
two deep dishes of delicious in one week?
yeah.
that was a good idea.
both times,
i presumed incorrectly i'd have company.
how silly is that?
almost every night of this year,
and the whole of the tail end of the last one,
i've eaten alone.
somehow,
i got some sort of notion that i was luring in folks,
with this alluringly lurid, lascivious lusciousness.
somewhere along the way, i got it twisted, i s'pose,
but it does have a happy ending-
yeah.
that's riiiiight:
MORE mutha-'ucking pizza for ME.
mmmmmmmm.
and i had allllll the pizza.
it's hard to be disappointed when there's pizza.
and the only way to keep it up?
never don't have pizza.
i think i'm ready to live that life;
never quiet, never soft.....

BIG BITES!

I WANT ALL THE TREATS!!!!
there's no other way to say it-
here's the thing-
i have a genuine problem with eating too many pastries, cookies, and cakes.
a problem which has become all the more apparent in my present state.
uh-huh.
my mystery back/leg infirmity is better, by far, but it's not all better by a long shot.
that means less exercise,
and shorter, less intense, but more strenuous, walks with the dog.
and all of that,
in turn,
means that my ancient body is accumulating the caloric gains of all the treats,
like a fuel stockpile,
with no big bursts of expended energy
to mitigate the mealtime/snack-time/all-the-time shark gluttony
that has hallmarked months of home aloneliness.
ummmmm.
yeah.
now that i'm old and busted, and parts are wearing out,
it seems that doing the things that i do is now doing me a mischief.
so,
to all those questioning comments left on my instagram
as to how i am not some random multiple of hundreds of pounds,
what with all the incredible edible excellence i ingest in immeasurable amounts?
thanks for jinxing it, jerks.
i'm experiencing an expansion explosion at the moment.
yuck.
shoutouts to consequences, i guess...
on the ones,
taking a daily five or six mile uphill hike has been exceptional for my metabolism-
but turning it down to just a two-ish mile hobble isn't helping,
even though that's about all i can manage without crawling on my last leg
for the last length on the way back...
also,
trying to engage in dynamic movement to get the ol' heart going,
and maybe convert some of the blarp to usable mass isn't working either.
nope.
lifting anything much more than my own body, (which i'm barely managing)
has me hunched over and  hurting like a wounded weakling.
ugh.
does any of that sound good?
i didn't think so.
and there's just one even bigger problem, as i see it-
peanut butter chocolate coconut pastry bites sound SO GOOD.
that's the catch.
there's the trip-up.
that's just the thing that derails an already damaged train of thought......
the treats aren't any less tasty because my body isn't as mobile.
word up.
dudes,
check the self-destruct-type teleport:

I'M GONNA GET SOOOOO FAAAAAAAATTTTT!!!
aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!
uh-huh.
crimpy, crispy, crusty, sweetened, buttery pastry cups,
with a powdered sugary, peanut buttery, vanilla-bean-pasty blop of hottness
in the center,
yup.
a big ol' scoople of that natural peanut butts,
with a teaspoon of vanilla paste,
and a quarter cup of powdered sugs,
a splash of soymilk to emulsify it,
and 3 tablespoons of freshly-ground unsweetened dry flake coconut.
how good is that?
it's kinda like a less translucent butterfinger filling.
i mean it.
a little added fat would've probably made it incredibly butterfingered.
i'm glad i skipped it, given how greasily, gooey, and gloppy they already are.
oh?
yeah, thanks for the reminder,
but i'm well aware that rules is rules, fools-
so, maybe i didn't put butter in 'em,
but i sure as heckfire put chocolate on top of 'em,
and i glistened that with a droplet of agave, to help it melt!
when they came out of the 420F hot-as-F* oven,
after about 20 minutes fo golden-browning,
i added a little tingle-springle of coconut sprankles as well!
that's IT, neighbors.
too much is the right amount,
and i won't let up, even if i have to pop a button on my pants sometime soon.
ha.
ok,
that's not entirely true.
i do NOT want to all-the-way blarp out.
i guess that means that starting today,
i've got to eat more space-consuming crunchy veg,
and less sugar-packed cookies and cake-
at least until i look like myself,
or, until my back is better enough that i can burn through
way more calories every day.
awwwwwwwwww.
i'm self-aware, and i'm self-conscious,
and i'm consciously selfishly aware of my own self-image.
it's all really happening,
and if i maybe wasn't so effing expert at all this food,
none of this would be an issue.
however,
i couldn't live with myself trying any less than my hardest, y'know?
that's real.
being dope is as important as staying ugly,
there's just no room in there to also be fat;
never quiet, never soft.....

BLACK-BOTTOMED!!!

melt that chocolate like a champ,
spread it all nasty-like on the bottom,
and you'll never be a chump.
hahahaha.
no, but, for real, though.
black-bottomed berry bombin' is the big action.
chocolate and berries are perfect partners.
and when the piecrust is poppin',
and the chocolate is deep and dark,
and the berries have been sugared before baking?
well,
what you get is what you've always wanted-
a big, delicious, delicate, decadent expert treat.
pastry, galette, tart, call it what you want,
as long as you try to describe it while you've got some in your mouth.
neighbors,
check the in-a-hurry-type teleport:

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!!!!
and it was easy, kids.
for realsies-
.
a cup of bloobs,
a handful of raspblers,
a healthy shake of powdered sugar,
all on top of a half a cup of melted dark chocolate,
dissolved with soymilk, vanilla, and powdery sugar,
pulped up and poured out over my double-buttery pastry hottness.
word.
and i happened to have a batch of prepared pastry
cold-coolin' and kickin' it in the fridge as the result of fortunate foresight on my part.
now,
i've covered my personally preferred pastry process countless times,
and i'll skip it right now if you don't mind.
if for some reason you do mind?
well,
a little active participation, and a quick back-catalog scan
should reveal anything you desperately need to know about it.
just know that the braids are tight on top,
and the raw sugar sprankles were affixed to 'em
with a thiiiiiiiiiiin sheen of soymilk on the dough.
i baked it on a cast iron skillet for 22 minutes, at 420 F,
and it was F*ing awesome.
real talk.
i shipped it up quick,
and i ate it up even faster.
guys!
it was so damned good...
i couldn't help but have another. and then another 'nother,
and a 'nother 'nother other slice.
too much is the right amount, man.
i believe in that sh!t like church, only more practically, and tangibly,
and with immediate rewards in this mortal life.
that's even better.
*
i had my friends dennis and patti coming over before work yesterday,
and i was limping and laboring us to stand upright,
let alone walk crabtree for a minute,
in order to mitigate his enthusiasm for guests with a little energy expenditure beforehand.
imagine my anxiety.
huh?
oh, no-
not because my house is perpetually a disaster-
in fact,
patti was coming by expressly to remedy that situation.
(incidentally, she rocked it, and my house hasn't looked this tidy in an age)
i was anxious because i was't sure i could get a good shot of my baked greats
with borrowed time working against me.
luckily, everything worked out,
and crabtree kept her company, and knocked himself out in the process.
shoutouts to the best dogs being tired dogs.
i am so very grateful to the people who've chosen to include us in their lives.
i know just how lucky that makes me,
and while that only makes me even saltier at the no-shows,
who deserve some no-fives,
in other aspects of my life-
that, in turn,
serves as a counterpoint to just how fortunate i am for finding these few folks
who do choose to include me in their thoughts and actions.
it's an ouroboros of thanks, devouring the aftershocks of anger,
in a vicious and delicious cycle of jormungandr gandering,
intro, circum, and extrospection of the good and bad and ugly and dope.
yup.
it's ALL really happening,
and i'm bearing witness, and bearing burdens,
and baring teeth, in snarls and smiles in equal measure;
never quiet, never soft.....

DEEPENING!!

pee eye zee zee ayy...
*ahem*
PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYY!!!!!
yeah!
that's better.
neighbors,
you're gonna wanna check the teleport:

DEEP DISH VOLUMIZING!!!!
word.
i thought i was going to have company.
and an early berfday party was planned.
alas,
it did not work out.
the inconstancy of my invitee is eternal,
and she was predictably absent.
i made banh mi the first night.
and with the no-show providing my plates with doubled servings,
i ate like a gluttonous gargantuan warlord at a victory feast.
to be conciliatory, and tolerant,
i rescheduled,
and, of course, even the reschedule fell through, too.
inconstant- ........like i said.
but,
here's the thing:
the make-up dinner was something i thought more appropriate to partying,
since there ain't no party like a pizza-pants party,
'cuz a pizza-pants party don't stop.
uh-huh.
that damnably damaging deep dish dispensation of doughy dopeness did the deed, indeed.
so, how about a pizza party, for one?
.....mmmmmm. don't mind if i do, duders.
you see it up there.
that thick, tall, crispy, buttery, flaky crust!
that's the stuff, no doubt.
how's i make this one?
like the future of all relationships depended on it.
(and if that were true, there would've success somewhere besides the oven)
hmm?
what's IN it?
oh.
that makes more sense.
here's the recipe:
-
*
DEEP DOUGH!
-
2 cups flour;
1 cup semolina flour;
2 tsp salt;
1 pkg 2 1/2 tsp cultivated commercial yeast;
1 tsp sugar;
3 T cornmeal;
4 T melted vegan butts;
+
3/4 cup hot water;
1/4 cup non-dairy milk;
1 1/2 tsp bread-machine-style superfast activated yeast;
-
knead all of that for 5-10 minutes,
depending on whether you're using machinery or manual labor,
and let it bulk until double in size ~30-45 minutes.
punch it down, refrigerate it for at least 6 hours, all day, or even better, overnight.
before you divide it in two,
and press it up and around the edges of a 9' buttered springform pan.
that's right, homies.
you'll get two outta that dough batch.
as a matter of fact, i'm most likely going to have another 'nother one tonight.
*
hey-
i think i can hear you wondering: is there a lot of chee'?
ha!
neighbors,
lemme let you in on a little truth i've gleaned during all my years on this earth:
too much is the right amount.
so F* yeah there's a lot of chee'.
cashew-garlic tofu underchee',
the numero uno pizza pie evolution of vegan hottness is the modern age.
that's the first layer of the stacks on stacks.
next, daiya mozzarella.
and above that?
caramelized onions, and a little parsley.
mmmmm.
delicious.
and on top of that,
there's more daiya.
followed by shredded radicchio and crispy baconish striplets.
no sense in wasting that storebought brick-colored stuff.
more chee'?
obvi,
and over that,
there's broth-braised broccoli florets and fried garlic sprankles.
heck yeah.
one last daiya spread,
and the chunky crushed tomatoes went on heavy.
....followed by , soymilk-thinned, arrowroot-re-thickened, mashed daiya activated
cashew garlic burrata-be-kidding me overchee'.
WU-TANG, my dudes.
and once it was baked, at 490, for twenty terribly long tortuous minutes?
parsley, and radicchio, on top, to decorate the surface with party time confetti.
awwwwwwwww.
so cute.
and that's how you overload a deep dish like you mean business.
i surely intend to conduct a serious series of transgressive transactions
with each and every pizza i come across.
although,
to be honest,
i only demolished 2/3rds of this bomber.
uh-huh.
ending up alone again, with plans deteriorating behind the scenes,
and without any updates of the pizza-enjoying status of my intended guest,
kind of had me feeling a little out of sorts.
a little info, a baby bit of communication, a tidbit of time taken to apprise a guy,
instead of a get-stood-up surprise for a guy..........
it would've been nice.
the pizza, however, did NOT disappoint.
strange how the aspects of an evening that i can steer, direct and actively guide
are always the ones that go well.
or, maybe it's not that strange.
i may not be stolid or staid,
but i sure am solid and staunch...
*
you guys remember that song, back in the day, by H2O?
i'll bet you don't.
you were all too busy doing other stuff.
anyway,
it's called self-reliable,
and i had it rolling around in my head the entire time
that the pizza process was in progress.
maybe you'll listen to it,
maybe that'll make some sense.
maybe you'll get it,
maybe not.
no matter.
it's all really happening,
with or without you.
and that goes double for pizza parties.
can't stop.
won't stop.
don't ever ever ever stop;
never quiet, never soft.....

RAZZLERS!!!!

raspberries.
yup.
razzlers.
razzle-dazzlers.
razzledazzle'aspberries.
you know the ones.
i had a bunch, and i used them all,
just to make a little somethin' special.
that's sorta what i do, y'know?
a graham crackery crust,
a fruity smoothie center,
some blops on top,
and frosting to turn that sh!t way up.....
tried, true, tested, and proven.
awww.
i s'pose it may be a bit formulaic, my friends,
but,
i'll bet you still want to munch up a slice anyway...
wordimus prime.
tell me if i'm right after you check the teleport:

RAZZZLERS, DUDES!
yeah!!
it's a sequence of stacked and sexxxified flavors.
and it all works wonderfully to fill out and freshen up
the full spectrum of red raspy berry taste and texture.
really, though-
the crust is buttery and brown sugary, too.
the filling is fairly smooth, and pretty sweet.
the topping is tart and bloppity,
and those dual cannon color coordinated frosting swirls are all the way righteous.
mmmmmmm.
i love it when a plan comes together...
you want in on it?
you want all of one all to yourself?
ok.
here's the blueprint.
build your own, bro-
*
CRUST!
-
1.5 pkg graham crax, crushed;
3 T dark brown sugar;
3 T melted vegan butt;.
1 tsp vanilla;
non-dairy milk, added 1 tsp at a time,
until the crackery crumbles stick together when squeezed,
form 'em around your piepan, tart pan, frying pan, or whatever,
and bake that big bay for 10 minutes at 350F.
-
meanwhile,
don't neglect the filling, friends-
*
RASPY FILLZO!!
-
12 oz. frozen razzlers;
1/3 cup powdered sugar;
2 T lemon juice;
3 T arrowroot;
1 tub vegan creamchee';
1 tsp vanilla;
1/2 tsp lemon extract;
^melt all of that together in a pot on lowish heat.
it'll get pink and mooshy, and smell great,
and the berries will sort of dissolve and combine and turn awesome.
-let it cool a baby bit,
and add it into the cooled crust-
and rebake it for another 20 minutes!
yep.
that's how it works.
-
and when that's chilled out to room temp,
you can top it off with those bright burgundy blops on top.
here's what's in there:
*
BLOPS!
-
one large handful of  frozen raspberries;
vanilla;
lemon zest;
3 T powdered sugar;
give that a few minutes on low heat to defrost,
and drain off and save the juice,
then,
add in 2 T cornstarch.
turn it up to medium heat for a little bit, while stirring,
should easily and clearly form a thick compote for your face!
word up.
-
the frosting?
i made two separate batches, naturally.
1/2 stick vegan butterish;
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
and a few splashes of soymilk, until it looked 'right' and bright white.
AND
then most of that, again,
plus lemon juice and that reserved raspberry juice,
instead of the plant milk,
and the pink prettiness was produced.
-
i have a lot left of both, so don't get it twisted, kids.
i'll be using them both in upcoming treats for sure.
*
...here's the thing-
for some time now,
i've felt a need to be creative, specifically in my kitchen.
like, i remain perpetually compelled to make something i can actually use,
even if the end result is mainly an expanded waistline.
no foolin'.
i get up,
early,
and if i'm not sure what to make?
i get a little stressed from the jump.
now,
there's no edict that demands i make a treat, or else.
in fact,
nothing bad will probably ever happen if i don't.
but,
i feel it.
the push and the pull and the pressure to produce something.
.....heck,
i'm over here wondering what to put into some galettes today.
yeah.
and that's a serious issue interrupting my morning's doings.
maybe i'm bust baking because the results are immediate.
maybe i like the idea of only investing time into things that are meant to be destroyed.
i mean,
i make a treat, i eat a treat, it's a closed circuit.
i like the way that works.
all the rest of it requires an interface that doesn't ever actually seem to mesh.
there is only my effort, my method, my technique, and my results.
without choosing to, nor really even having the option to, rely on anybody else,
i essentially know what's going to happen,
and while that doesn't necessarily rock my socks off,
it certainly has me feeling more confident about my baking skills,
as they've taken the place of breakfast in bed
and leisurely mornings with anybody else.
no lounging, just launching into action, sort of.
there's other things i could be doing-
like cleaning up.
however,
MAKING a mess is more my area of expertise.
no joke.
i make the treats, but the treats leave a legacy of more than just my blarpity body.
uh-huh.
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress is blarping out, too.
ugh.
there's nobody to blame but me,
and i accept it in full;
never quiet, never soft.....