AUTO-BANH!

taking it to eleven.

that's the whole point of a super banh banh.

it's like driving on the auto-banh.

oh. c'mon.

that's clever.

but, for real, though.

a good sandwich goes a long way.

in fact,

a good sandwich will always improve a bad day,

and make a great day a tremendous and fantastic one.

that's a thing.

and i think i may have decreed that avocado needs to happen from now on, 

on every banh mi, in place of 'sgusting pate'.

it's got the fat and the smoosh, 

but it's not a horror-movie outtake of engorged ground-up organs.

which, to my mind, is SO F*ing gross.

anyway,

rule is rules, and i had avocado on hand,

so,

with a bit of morning prep,

my dinner plan was firmly in place well in advance of dinner time.

there was even talk of a dinner guest,

but circumstances prevented her attendance.

if i believed in fate,

i'd say that the universe wants me to suffer alone, 

and eat myself to death like a fat, bloated wallowing hog..

luckily, 

i DON'T believe in fate.

.........whew.

that was a close call.

in fact,

instead of reading negatively into events as they unfolded,

i took the opportunity to really tune up and dial in my big bang banh business.

yup.

no sense in wasting the time and ingredients, am i right?

neighbors,

just check it out through the mother-flipping teleport:

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD UP!!!!

that bread is like a focaccia baguette.

it's soft.

it's sexy.

it's crusty.

it's firm to the tooth,

and it tastes like heaven.

wanna make some?

ok.

do this:

*

BANH BREAD! 

-

2 cups flour;

1 pkg yeast;

1 tsp salt;

3 glugs olive oil;

2 pats of soft butterish;

1 tsp sugar-

+

3/4 cup warm water,

1 tsp bread machine yeast,

squirt of agave.

-

beat all that up together in your mixer,

and add more water/flour if it looks to dry/wet.

give it a good five minutes of heavy hitting dough hookery,

and let it rise for about 30 minute, covered,

while you heat your oven up to 450F.

-

punch it down, cut it into thirds, shape it, oil the tops, score it,

and give it another 'nother 30 to proof up and look all nicety nice,

before baking all of that for about 15 minutes.

i hope you're ready to make some serious supper sarnies with these delights.

if you're not,

you'd better take a minute to GET ready,

because hottness if exploding outwards from this point on.

-

now,

it's well known how i feel about food-

too much is the right amount.

yeah.

but when it comes to this superior serving of sexxxiness,

it's ALL bout the stacks on stacks on stacks.

that's right.

and the key to good stacks is properly planning your layers.

real talk.

look:

expert.

real 'guini guys don't play.

it's serious stack-attacking when the assembly is underway.

like competitive jenga, almost..

what's the lineup?

it goes a little something like this-

...

flat slab pickles, 

thinly shaved red onion,

black-pepper seared pickle-brine-soaked thin-sliced seitan,

(the flavor and the process are all in the name)

pea tendrils,

avocado, which has all the sticky squishy glue you'll need, 

to affix the tendrils and the next layer, 

which is the rice vinegar/sugar/salt-pickled carrots and radishes.

over that, there's fried fat slabs of  GPOP-activated tofu,

microgreens, for colorful sexxxiness,

cilantro sprigs for that fresh flavor,

fresh jalapeno rings to heat things up,

and all of that is layered on a buttery toasted roll,

with vegan mayo and sriracha spread on top.

essentially, on the whole,

it's pretty much the best thing ever to go in your face.

and i got to eat two.

shoutouts to being alone not always being the worst part.

*

spicy fries, with smoky sriracha ketchup?

don't mind if i do.

sarnies and fries get along, so they show up together often.

*

slaw?

double cabbage, lime zest, parsley, carrot, radish, and spring onion,

in a slap of salted vegenaise?

daaaaaaaaaamn.

slaw for that jaw is the law,

yummmmmmmmmmmmm.

*

cukes and stuff?

yuuuuuup.

coolwater veggies are always welcome on my plate, kids.

i love 'em.

-

***********

guys

the big action.

the super-deluxxe.

the big banh theory.

all of that.

i think about it fondly,

i put it into practice.

and when it's over, i reminisce over it.

if you aren't that into sandwiches,

might i suggest elevating your sandwich game until you ARE.

i'm not the boss of you

and i'm not telling yo what to do-

but, maybe you'll try it out-

y'know,

you just might discover something good about yourself;

never quiet, never soft.....

EVERYTHING ALMOND!

one luxurious bundt cake butthole ring coming right up.
dudes,
it's a nice slice to have on hand.
y'know?
a poundy bundt, i mean-
mmmhmmmm.
oh.
no, you stop it.
...
for real, though-
it's soft, and it's sweet, and it's thick, and it's smooth,
and all of that is invited to my cake party, for sure.
now,
add in all the almonds, everywhere,
and see where that takes you.
(it takes you to eleven, obvi)
WORD.
that's some rich-folks sh!t.
hahaha.
c'mon.
guys!
i used almond wherever  i could fit it,
and my cake styles were improved for it's inclusion.
no joke.
this one's a keeper for the archives.
and that's no joke.
check out the aesthetic, via teleport:

ALMOND BUNDT, BABY!!
you want this in your face.
i mean it.
unless of course you have an allergy to tree nuts.
then, you'd probably better stay away,
because this feisty fanciness will eff you up.
otherwise,
here's how it's done:
-
*
ALMOND ALMOND ALMOND ALMOND!
-
cream together:
1 cup sugar;
1/4 cup brown sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 stick + 2 T vegan butterish;
vanilla;
almond extract;
-
once combined,
include 3/4 cup non-dairy yogurt-
whisk until everything is a sloppy messy mud.
-
add 3/4 cup almond meal;
1/3 cup crushed raw almonds (pulverized into the stage right before butter)
2 cups flour, sifted with 2 T cornstarch (shoutouts to cake flour);
2 tsp baking powpow;
1 tsp baking soda;
+
1 cup almond milk
-
whip that all up on high speed,
in a mixer,
which by now you've purchased because you're a good person who loves good cake,
and you'd gotten tired of doing it the primitive way.
welcome to the future.
toss all of that into a greased and floured ring,
and bake it at 360 for 45 minutes, to maybe almost an hour.
you'll know when it's done because those tell-tale cracks will form in the crumby crust,
and the danger of vegan cake sinkage will be over.
.....
it's F*ing tasty.
on the ones, it is fluffy-ish, but still a big baby buttery bomb of big action.
soft, moist, sophisticated.
this one was a winner from the jump.
and that icing?
powdered sugar and almond extract and vanilla,
plus lemon juice,
to give it jussssssst that expert little something exxxtra.
that's right.
i keep it wu-tang, sweet thang.
and toasted almond sprankles,
because too much is the right amount,
and i'd sure hate to take it easy on that big flavor.
a little goes a long way,
but a lot goes way farther.
that's good news,
because i'm taking cakes to the limits of taste.
huh?
no, not that kind of taste.
actual taste.
and besides,
the limit of good taste is wherever is right before fondant art cake.
yeah.
i said it.
huh?
well, as a matter of fact, i'm an artist all day.
i appreciate a vast variety of mediums and applications of artistic style.
but,
i can't stand cakes that look like racecars or whatever.
it's just poor person sh!t dressed in expensive clothes.
yuck.
the limits of almond awesomess however may have been attained in
that beige ring of cakey hottness that in no way resembles a stack of presents,
or some cartoon character or whatever.
hahahahhhha.
i have opinions, man.
***********
i did a thing to my back,
and now i have chronic OML.
you know it?
it's also known in longhand as Old Man Leg, and it sucks.
sciatic pinchy pinches have me literally falling over on a useless appendage,
but,
while it doesn't work worth a damn,
it sure does hurt a whole unholy helluva lot.
interestingly,
almost every person i've seen in the last two days is an authority on back pain.
yep.
apparently,
all of these unlicensed chiropractors and osteopaths know all about how to fix me.
lucky me, right?
ummmmm, yeah.
it hurts so much i may even be behaving a bit testier and tetchier and terse than usual.
which, naturally, has me adversarially engaging every bit of advice,
from every single person,
no matter how well-intentioned they may be.
i've got that mad-dog-snarling pain response poppin' off,
and walking my happy crabby only exacerbates it.
yup.
doing what is required makes doing what is required even harder.
get it?
yep.
everything makes it worse, but everything needs to get done.
so,
i'm packing my bellyhole full of cake,
to give the ibuprofen a buffer, so it doesn't burn a hole in my stomach
while it taxes my temperant liver into the red.
it's all really happening,
it just looks dumber hunched over and stumbling along with a limp;
never quiet, never soft...

ULTIMO SUSHI!!!!!

i'm not the world's greatest anything.
but,
i am one heck of a determined guy.
now,
that's not to say i don't find distractions and detours
to postpone some of the scariest big decisions.....
but, even when i'm taking the long road to my destination,
i'm never ever standing still and going nowhere.
that's not cool.
so,
while i may not be the premier vegan sushi maker,
i sure as sh!t am one hundred percent committed to taking it to eleven.
real talk.
my buddy beau came by for a sort of throwback to yesteryear,
when my world cuisine wednesdays got poppin',
and extended family dinners were a thing.
he got here as the edamame were just about ready,
and the rolls were about to be cut.
now,
i have a lot of knives,
but,
i use the really sharp, really good one on the sushi.
mmmhmmm.
the shun.
my favorite 40th berfday present,
courtesy of the cucch.
so i s'pose in a way, it sort of was a family dinner,
and not just because i made enough to feed a family.
ha!
that's no joke.
when it's time to rock the party,.
i come correct and i rock the m-f'in' party.
don't believe me?
ok,.
see for yourself:

KaBOOOOOOOOM-FIRE!!!!
neighbors, those rolls are so sexxxy,
I'M THINKING I SHOULD  CHANGE MY NAME TO BOBBY WASABI!!!
(that's not true)
dudes,
i made black rice, the forbidden emperor kind,
but, i must've effed it up somehow,
because it was roughly 0% sticky.
so,
there's a black rice roll with creamchee' and avocado and plum,
with plum on top, and smoked paprika-turmeric mayo,
hanging out sideways in the corner, that all but fell apart post-slice.
in fact,.
had it held together, there were plans for even MORE black rolls.
awwwwwwww.
it's cool, though...
there's still an epic and heroic saga of sushi on those plates,
and that's the only way i want to live.
take a closer look:

RED AND GREEN ROLLS!!!!!
beet-dyed rice, with roasted beetroot, carrot, and sweet potato,
topped with purple and red microgreens!!!
and double dippin' sauces, to turn the taste up even louder.
what do you call that?
oh,. right: expert.
and the other one?
pretty much the hottness, and one of the highlights of the night-
bamboo rice,
with allll the greenery:
pea tendrils, avocado, cucumber, asparagus, and scallion!!
c'mon, man.
plus a little lime wedge side-action,
which really activated those jammies,
mmmmmmmm.
.......and those SALADS.
baked sesame tofu, roasted beet, blood orange, avocado, scallion,
sesame seed sprankles, rice vinegar, sesame oil,
and lots of shaved cucumber.
yumyum yummmmm.
*
guys,
that was only one plate!
up next?
the big deluxxxe.
check the teleport:

too much is the right amount!
i told you about the black rice.
*dragon plum roll i'll call that, when it works-
maybe next time.
it was turbo delicious, but unreliable.
*how about that classic veggie roll, as an inside-out-and-opposite jaun?.
uh-huh.
no seaweed!
just carrot, cukes, and avocado, rolled in toasty little sesame seeds!
bam!
a simple little starter sample of rice and stuff.
from there,
sh!t got really real, real quick.
*the green roll, again.
only in white, like an old school adidas color scheme.
and with more sriracha mayo.
*beet red rice with potatoes, scallions, and microgreens?
damn. it had more umami than your mommy, son.
*asparagus and sesame tofu, with sweet potato, carrot and cucumber!!!
thick, and totally activated by the green jasmine tea taste of that bamboo rice,
and even further upgraded with that smoky turmeric drizzle!
 *beet red blood orange bombs!!!
huh?
yup.
cilantro, deep red orange, carrot, and tofu, with sesame seed sossamon sprankles!!!
y'gotta take a bite of orange wedge, for extra citrus exxxplosiveness.
that's how you doo-doo that freaky business, buddy.
trust me.
i made it up.
and i know you see that one maki on the bottom,
but,
let's save that for the end roll fountain plate:

C'MON!!
maki maki maki!!!
rice, tofu,beet, microgreens, and a dollop of sauce!!!
if you're not prepared to get this exxxxtra,
just have a lame-A* bowl of cereal already, you lazy diaperbaby.
hahahaha.
word up, though, because i'm serious.
-
how dope is it that just about every thing inside this meal
is a complete and whole food on it's own?
i mean, the tofu is another story,
but, rice and veggies and seaweed?
it's pretty much a fantastic energizing luxury endeavor in beauty and nutrition,
and what's even better?
nobody got killed.
that's right.
not one mobile heart-beating animal had to be murdered up and dissected
so that all this vegetable majesty could be made.
*
a friend of mine took offense to an offhand comeback i quipped out,
as a retort to their unsolicited critique of my roll styles-
to sum up the essence of our exchange,
i agreed that there was, in fact, no spicy tuna on my plate,
and that fish should be left alone in their dirty giant toilet environment
where we can't survive and we have no business F*ing around in,
followed by the statement that i care about living things.
they took that to mean i was inferring they do NOT care about living things.
which i wasn't doing,
but,
that defensive stance does not mathematically withstand scrutiny.
yes,
they care about some living things,
but just not the tasty ones.
ugh.
UGH.
we're still friends, of course,
but i am so disheartened, so often, by that ingrained indifference.
i mean,
the only honest argument against veganism 
is that you just don't give a sh!t.
^i wish i'd written that sentence, first but somebody else said it.
i wholeheartedly agree with it, though.
i dunno,
my life is not so comfortable that i'm just indulging in the luxury
of a prohibitively expensive and holier-than-thou dieting trend.
i mean, c'mon, bro-
it's been two actual decades,
and that's with my situation ranging from poor to rich to poor,
and back on the climb to comfortable again.
...and i still believe in it,
and i'm still physically healthy,
and i'm still ethically on point with my prnciples
which includes the honest truth that i still think killing and eating animals
is previous-level technology, and also a real d!ck move.
and i don't think  any of this vegan magic culinary super-hottness
is just some first world privilege
that denies our paleo caveman heritage.
at least,
no more so than drive-thru lattes,
or 4G mobile phone service,
or wireless internet.
or washing machines.
or houses.
or agriculture, animal OR vegetable.
look, kids,
i'm not saying you have to do anything differently.
i'm not saying you should do anything differently.
i'm not even saying that you could do anything differently.
after all, maybe you're not.
i'm only saying that that our sushi feast was absolutely F*ing amazing,
and delectable,
and decadent,
and delicious...
even without fresh, raw dead bodies on top.
my plate was cleared, my conscience stayed that way.
maybe that's preachy, maybe it's self-important,
but,
last time i checked,
this is MY platform to talk about all that's really happening.
i tell true stories.
truly.
that's it;
never quiet, never soft.....

DIRTY SNOWBALLS!

gluten free coconut drops.

uh-huh.

toasted, buttery, sweet, 

crispy on the outsides,

dense and soft on the insides,

and covered in just a touch of dark chocolate.

take a look:

BLOPS!

dirty snowballs for a snowy morning.

oh, yeah.

that's still a thing up here.

we've moved on to ice and rain,

but when the treats were baking,

it was all fluffy frozen hexagons everywhere.

these could've been a bit better.

i'm honest.

what they needed was more moisture.

i wish i knew what i put in them,

in approximate measurements,

but i started them, got distracted,

returned a little later,

and sort of just threw everything in the food processor.

but, like i said,

they could've been better, so let's skip the recipe- 

what do you say?

yeah. i figured.

i will say, though, 

that it was just unsweetened fancy coconut shreds and coconut flour.

agave, regular sugar, salt, vegan butter.....vanilla.

i dunno, guys.

it needed something, and i can't think of what it would be.

taste-wise, they're great.

but, a dry macaroonish is a poor example of skill and execution.

no excuses, i will succeed to a greater degree the next time i undertake 

a treat of this type.

until then, though,

i'm gonna crush these dry-A* drops until they're all gone,

and i'm definitely going to need a sip of something wet as i chew.

womp womp.

it's not all mastery, always.

the little stumbles provide big motivation.

that's real.

when things go effortlessly always,

there's a tendency for complacency disguised as overconfidence 

to creep in at the edges of participation.

and nothing gets rid of that like a hot dose of foible. 

the fires get fueled back up when something a simple as a slightly dry 

drop of coconut cookieshness hits my tongue.. 

ha.

no wonder i'm such a difficult man to span time with.

i can't even abide a minor baking stumble,

so, now just try to imagine what sort of critical analysis constantly 

goes into my day-to-day doings.

uh-huh.

self-destruction and self-improvement are sometimes the same thing.

don't think so?

you've gotta destroy a run-down building to put up a better one.

you've got to bulldoze an area to put in a playground.

you're gonna need to cut away disease to promote healthy new growth.

that's no joke.

i tear down what i've done, in order to build up a better version.

yeah.

and sure,

it's hard to be happy when you're never satisfied.

and it's hard to be satisfied when you know you could do better.

but, here's the thing:...good enough is not enough.

you're only tricking yourself if you think you're done.

there's always more to do;

never quiet, never soft.....

BARBECUE SAUCE!!!!!

guys,
i did it!
i successfully endured the week's tattoo schedule.
as a point of interest in my actual career:
i have been using fewer and fewer prepared images.
no, i'm not bragging. not at all.
i'm just letting you know that i feel like i do my best work in the clutch,
on the spot, thinking and moving on the go.
and making it all up in the moment.
sure,
it's mostly working for me because i've been tattooing flowers,
and dragons, and letters,
and other other stuff i've been drawing from memory for decades,
but,
i think there's still something to be said for the off-the-cuff, on-the-fly,
intensive inventiveness of creating permanence without premeditation.
like, something i should say, specifically is:
thank you, everybody...
...for trusting me enough,
or for being too nervous to speak up about the process,
or for being so indifferent that you weren't even impressed a little-
haha.
whatever the reason the time we spanned got to happen the way it did,
i'm grateful for it, and i appreciate it,
and i sure as heckfire hope you're happy now that you have
your portion of the program imbedded in perpetuity...
awwwww, shucks.
that almost sounds a little like i like what i do.
hey!
hold on, now.
let's not get head of ourselves.
i'm lucky to do what i do for work,
but it's still only half as rewarding as dinner.
hmmmmmm?
oh, i'm totally serious.
especially when my favorite sexy semolina circles are on the schedule.
yuuuuuuup.
last night was a pizza party,
and there ain't no other party out there i'm more likely to ever attend.
i LOVE pizza.
i say that a lot, because i feel it in my heart.
and the pizza scene over here was really loud, fresh, and hard,
despite a few situational setbacks leading up to the big moment.
uh-huh.
i hurt my back, badly.
like,
partially panicked at the pain level,
and coming up short of breath from forgetting to breathe
while gritting and grunting through the day.
shoutouts to old man body.
awwwwwwwww.
and,
i worked later than usual, so dinner was started at an hour
when i normally would have already eaten and cleaned up and settled in.
here's the thing, though-
PIZZA IS expert NO MATTER WHAT OR WHEN!
that's a fact.
so, i rolled up my sleeves and hobbled over to the stove,
and made myself a perfect pizza pie.
check the teleport:

BARBECUE TOFU!!!!
neighbors,
i had two  totally different, but completely complementary, sexxxy sauces!
yup.
double the dopeness, and twice the terrific.
you know the rules-
too much is the right amount.
so don't come up to the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress with a message of moderation.
now way, bro.
there's only two words with which to respond to that:
NOT INVITED.
the classic crushed tomatoes were upgraded with spices, and sweetness,
and ho'sauce, for a tangy, zippy, zimzalabim of hurricane hottness for everybody.
yeah-
that's 4 T of crushies,
plus cumin, coriander, basil, and smoked paprika.
plus a dash of smoked sea salt,
a few drops of liquid smoke,
a squeeze of molasses,
a splash of apple cider vinegar,
and a shot of GPOP.
mmmmmmmm.
it was smoky, surprisingly.
oh, c'mon- i'm playin'.
but, real talk?
as far as basic bases go, that's one for the diary.
-
daiya mozzarella, and daiya cheddar chee' make it all better.
so,
do that whenever you're going rogue on the savory 'za flavors.
-
caramelized onions are pretty much essential to my pizza process.
if they're not on it, you can bet there are some kind of onions taking up the slot.
they may not ever be able to take their place,
and while i don't normally order them when i'm eating pizza elsewhere,
whenever i'm here(which happens to be almost always)
i gotta brown up some thinly-sliced sexxxiness for my F*ing face.
rules is rules.
as is the rule about fried garlic sprankles.
if you don't got 'em, go get 'em, or prepare yourself for a B-.
y'cant go to eleven without the spranks, kid.
trust me.
*jalapenos? that's a win.
a blast of post-bake chopped cilantro leaf? another win.
*ho'sauce drizzles? you win again!
* tomatoes, just because? still a victory
*tiny crispy baconish bitsies? WINNER WINNER PIZZA DINNER!!!
all the aspects of expertism, on one semolina circle.
the dough was crisp, and i didn't apply it directly to the oven-stone.
nope.
i used a pan, grandma style.
there's no shame in that.
without the sourdough element,
the dough is a bit more fragile after a few days,
so a little help is appreciated,
and repaid with golden goodness in the hotbox.
that's synergy, son.
...
but, really,
it's that barbecued tofu that brings the heat.
yup.
half a block's worth of small cubes,
in hot oil, seared and sealed,
before getting activated with Garlic Powder and Onion Powder,
and cumin,
and coriander seed,
and smoked paprika,
all swirled around in a heavy squeeze of organic ketchup
and a shot of agave to caramelize it all while it spat and sputtered
in that spicy and ferocious oil...
huh?
oh, i know, dudes.
ketchup.
damn.
i apologize on behalf of most of me.
...but my tongue is unrepentant.
that stuff tasted absolutely awesome.
***********
pizza is the best medicine.
well, that, and ibuprofen.
holy crap, friends-
my leg is numb from this lower back attack.
yuck.
getting old, falling apart, having a tough time,
and STILL bringing the noise at work and at home?
that's what you do.
at least, if you're doing it right.
hard feelings, hurt feelings, heart failings, and health frailing
isn't going to stop you,. if you don't want to be stopped.
will anything get better?
mayyyyyyybe.
will everything else get worse?
if experience has taught me anything? yeah. it all always does.
it's all really happening, anyway.
limping through the hills with crabtree,
half-falling every other step,
wincing while standing still...
that's just what happens now i guess.
he doesn't need less exercise because i'm hurt.
i won't make fewer treats because it's painful to stand up.
the objective is MORE.
excuses don't actually excuse you.
they're just reasons why you quit.
don't do that;
never quiet, never soft.....

MAPLE SEASON!!!

real maple syrup.

yup.

that's the stuff.

don't ever front on me, and bring that weak b!tchsap to the table.

on the ones,

a sucka might get catch a slap for that.

mmhmm.

but,

the real real stuff?

heck yeah.

that's what's up.

and right now, in northern new england,

it's sugaring season,

which means we've got that freshie-fresh everywhere,

and it'd almost be a damned shame if we weren't making the most 

of this distilled sweet sugar-house hottness.

i know i'm participating.

in fact,

i'm representing treeblood SO HARD right now.
y'know what i like the flavor of?
apples.
y'know what else?
cinnamon.
y' know what else-else?
maple F*ing syrup.
c'mon man.
that one was a gimme.
i don't like to stay out of the kitchen for too long,
i also mean that in the 'can't stand the heat' way, too.
but, for practically applicable purposes,
i mostly mean that i need more cake in my life.
...and if i'm not gonna make it, then who is?
right?
i'd hoped that repeated gestures of genuine and general generosity
would inspire my 'colleagues' to get into the spirit of active participation.
regrettably,
in this instance, it has only elicited a sense of entitlement,
and an expectation to receive,
without ever giving back even so much as half a sh!t.
.....and i'm disappointed, dudes.
i do the things i do, because that's what i think is the right thing.
but, i'm still a person with feelings an' that.
for realsies,
a little appreciation goes a long way.
yuck.
and still, i bring the treats,
if only to impress my clients with another 'nother example
of competency and capability,
and to maybe give a firsthand sample of compassionate culinary creativity
to folks who don't expect to be provided with snacks,
let alone vegan magical ones...
ha.
that's how it is around here, so that's how it goes around here.
*
ANYway,
i made a cake.
it used three apples.
it used cinnamon.
and naturally, it used real new hampshire maple syrup.
WORD.
check it out:

CINNAMAPLE-APPLE!!!!!!!
yum yum YUM.
you may want to have some of this.
if so,
i suggest you strap in, because it'll blow your mind,
and knock your socks off.
here's the 411:
-
*
CAKE!!!
-
3/4 cup sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 stick + 2 T butterish;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp cinnamon;
1/4 tsp nutmeg;
dash of ginger;
^mashed into one cohesive mass,
plus:
2 apples, peeled, cored, and minced;
3/4 cup non-dairy yogurt;
2 1/3 cups of a.p. flour,
sifted with 2 T cornstarch;
2 tsp bakey powpow;
1 tsp bakey soda;
1/4 cup dark maple syrup;
1 cup non-dairy milk.
whisk and whip that together, by hand,
to keep those knobbly apple bits all a-chunkin',
and add the batter to two greased and floured 9" round cake pans.
BUT,
here's the thing-
slice another 'nother apple, and radially arrange it on the bottom of one of those jauns.
yeah!
now, when you bake it, for 33 minutes, at 360F,
one of those cakes has flippably fresh apples on 'top'.
expert.
when they're out of the oven,
and cooled for 5 or so minutes,
turn 'em out onto a wire rack to cool completely,
before you frost 'em up.
*
FROSTING!
-
2 cups powdered sugar;
4 T vegan butts;
2 1/2 T vegan creamchee;
cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger;
vanilla;
maple exxxtract;
3 T maple syrup;
1-3 T non-dairy milk, depending on consistency.
whisk that in a mixer or with a hand mixer, or whatever,
and get ready,
because it's SO DOPE.
-
and just to turn it up a bit, like, all the way to eleven,
like i am wont to do so often,
i  even hit it off with some cinnamon and sugar sprankles.
the apple's juice dissolved it everywhere but on the crumb.
and that's pretty.
...and pretty tastes better.
at least, it does if it would've been delish when it was ugggggly.
that's a thing
that's a lotta apple.
and a lotta cinnamon.
and it's pretty effin' sweet.
and very soft and spongy.
and despite apples being more of an autumnal thing?
it tastes like spring.
huh/
well, as a matter of fact-
yes,
it IS snowing again.
hahahahaha'aaaaaaawwwwwww.....
sh!tty.
nature wins one more time.
it's fine.
i'm making macaroons.
why not use the exxxpensive ingredients for these ingrates?
it's almost like i'm trying to make myself angry.
we'll see how the day unfolds,
and if these coconutty nubs can overpower the pure sh!t of a terrible tuesday.
my fingers are crossed, and i'm feeling cross;
never quiet, never soft.....

PIZZA PERFECTION!!!

pizza two nights in a row?!?!?

F* yeah!

i LOVE pizza.

you know that.

i don't get bummed out about eating pizza, ever.

it's too good.

i think of it as medicine,

in the 'let thy food be....' sense.

lately, friends,

my cooking has been a welcome distraction.

life is always in flux, if you're doing it right.

the regimented routine of my life is necessary,

but just to keep some sort of grounded landmarks along the path of

my organic creased and crumpled secret universal blueprints.

y'know?

like,

the hills and valleys, peaks and pits, high, lows, and swerving curves

of a non-linear progressive journey through days and nights

and weeks, as they wax and wane through months and years,

need some familiar points of reference.

so,

i do the things is always do- 

tha's the way to stay focused while everything else fluctuates

through good fortune and hard styles.

there are always changes happening, even in the midst of the sourest, dourest ennui.

that's a fact.

and cooking, 

especially in the midst of the drudgery of slow-going through fast times,

has been of huge help in punctuating each rotation through time and space.

what i'm sayin', simply, is ,

THANK HEAVENS FOR PIZZA,

without the little things, 

which also happen to be the brightest spots,

and the purest joys,

i doubt anybody, especially me, could cope with time passing more and more rapidly,

while everything in the future somehow still takes forever to materialize.

except for supper.

that happens right when it's supposed to.

and pizza,

with all it's preheating,

is a good example of patience bringing rewards-

even with the dough cold-proofing, and ready at a moment's notice;

even as the onions caramelize while the baking stone 

soaks up british thermal units inside the hot box;

even though the multitasking is essential, and efficient,

it still requires patience, while all of it marches toward the final, 

ooey, gooey, crisp-crusted crescendo.

i think about that a lot.

because i've had plans underway for ages that still haven't preheated enough yet.

if they turn out as awesome as pizza, i'll be more than pleased.

uh-huh.

in the meantime,

there is pizza, and pizza is good for you.

check the teleport:

PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYY!!!!!

how do you ring in a new month?

i hope it's with a direct-fired, cornmeal-peel-prepared circle of LIFE.

broskis, my favorite pizza topping combo is this one

brussels, baconish, and caramelized onions!

with crushed tomatoes, 

and daiya mozzarella

and black pepper,

and a whole lotta love.

dope,

oh, and grape tomatoes. 

and fried garlic sprankles,

...obvi.

rules is rules.

but, 

then there's parsley and radicchio up on there, as well.

mmmhmmmm.

a little fresh, a little bitter, and a whole lot of expert.

dudes!

it's a F*ing symbolic slice of saucy superiority.

that's some sort of semolina shamanism, if ever there was any.

and neighbors,

the next night?

as in, last night?

uh-huh.

even though i ate enough for two days at breakfast,

i still got it poppin' with MORE PIZZA:

KABOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!

hand-tossed thin crust wizardry is how it has to be.

steamed and seared broccoli?

yes!

rainbow sweeeeeeet peppers?

heck yes!!

caramaleized onions?

you know it.

fried garlic sprankles.

mandatory.

but, 

what about sunflower seeds?!

what?

what-whaaaaaat??

YES.

and they are dope on pizza.
-
two nights of awesomeness.
the same thing, but not the same, but still both spot on.
can we apply that to what's happening in the real world around me?
it's not all the same, but it is.
the trick is to make the new as good, or better than the old.
never worse, never backwards, and never ever any less.
too much is the right amount.
that's a thing.
the new hottness,
a little tried and true terrificness,
a whole fresh batch of pizza,
and a determined stance on improving and enjoying today, tonight,
tomorrow, and every damned minute in before and after.
damn.
that's tough,
but that's What Is;
never quiet, never soft.....

BIG BIG!!!

THE BIG B.
oh yeah, man.
that's what's up.
that enormous breakfast exxxplosion,
the one that removes the weak sauce from the heavy mettle.
no joke.
only the realest, hungriest, shark-gluttonous-iest appetites
can usually get down to the nitty-grits of a humongous helping
of wholesome hottness at the level-eleven magnitude.
and i am that dude.
........word.
breakfast by myself?
don't mind if i do.
too much of everything?
OBVI.
don't be dumb. neighbors.
i'm not about to cheap out and chump myself on some reasonably-sized helpings.
no way.
when i want the BIG B.
nothing but complete overkill wills suffice.all told,
guys,
i ate eleven pancakes.
well, ok.
maybe they weren't incredibly huge....
but there were still more than ten of them!
like,
after i cleared my plate, i refilled my plate,
and cleared it again.
rules is rules, julle naaiers.
and you stay until the thing is done.
and you know how i doo-doo that brekkie sh!t?
like this:

EASY EASY EASY LIKE SUNDAY MORNING!!!!!!
friends,
my pancake game is strong.
and that's no joke.
make some of my custom signature jauns for yourself if you don't believe me.
but, once you bite into one,
you'll be forced to eat crow along with that delicious pancake.
-
*
COCONUT-OATMEAL PANNIECAKES!
1 cup a.p. flour, sifted;
1/4 cup fresh-ground dry unsweetened coconut;
1/4 cup fresh-ground whole oat flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 1/2 tsp bakey powder
1 tsp bakey soda;
3 T sugar;
whisk all that noise into a cohesive, blended batch of dry ingredients,
and stir in:
3-4 T melted vegan butterish;
3 T vegan sour cream,
or 2 eggs' worth of replacement equivalent;
1 cup non-dairy milk + 1 T lemon juice;
1 tsp vanilla;
^^^^^^^^^
rest the batter for an hour.
the oats and coconut will soak up some liquid,
so you may have to gently add a little more 'milk,
before you start pouring batter onto a hot pan.
or,
if you're expert,
into cookie-cutter pancake molds, for maxxximum cuteness.
that's what i'd do (as you can see).
once you activate those hotties with real maple syrup,
and not that poor person brown corn poop slime,
you'll have a veritable victory of victual vistuosity in your mouth.
that's IT!
*
...and what about another 'nother waffle-fried hashbrown?
yuuuuuuuuuuuuup.
just peeled shredded potato, and onion, and oil, and time,
in that dent-making 360 degree hot press.
DOPE.
with himalayan pink salt, for secret nutrients,.
and scallion sprankles for the children,
like wu-TANG, y'feel me?
yeah!!
-
and tofu scrambo is also a delight.
with brox, and tomatoes?
c'mon,
hmm?
yeah, those are parsley sprankles.
that's how you do it, buddy.
-
brick-hued faux-baconical store-bought canada-style circles?
i'm guilty as charged..
i think they taste kinda good, man.
i had 'em, i used 'em, i enjoyed 'em.
i'm not ashamed.
i will eat the heck out of a little bad-for-me,
if it's couched in all that GOODNESS everywhere else.
yins and yangs, bro.
that's a thing.
***********
breakfast IS important,
but the act of making it is where the poetry lies.
fancy homemade custom fluffers, shaped like hearts?
c'mon.
anybody can add water to the pre-measured laziness-
there's just one problem with that:
box mix is for jerks.
real talk.
yep,
even though i had that pretend bacon on my plate,
i'm still gonna speak out against the box.
i can't hang out.
also, i feel like we've lost touch with making things.
also also,
homemade tastes better.
also also also,
it's as important as breakfast to be an active participant.
the more we do,
the better we get,
and the better we get,
the better what we do becomes.
it's progress.
it's additive, cumulative,
turning initiative into the superlative.
it's all really happening.
at least, as much as you make it.
don't settle for less,
if we won't do the big action deluxxxe hottness for ourselves,
why would anybody else.
behave like you know you deserve the best.
........and then do even better;
never quiet, never soft.....

RULES!

you must make a treat on the first of the month.
that's what i tell myself.
and i like to set attainable goals for myself,
so that i can feel like i'm getting something worth a sh!t accomplished.
in this case,
it involved the rest of my practically perfect pastry dough,
a tart tin,
and some stovetop activation.
mmmhmmmm.
you MUST make a treat on the first of the month.
rule is rules.
what's more,
i don't want just any old and busted whatever to ring in the big day.
no way.
that's lazy.
i want some hottness that brings the lightning and the fire to bear,
so that we know we're celebrating the new calendar page in style.
that's real.
what better way to do that tha with the two greatest tastes to ever team up?
i mean,
seriously,
if you don't get down with chocolate and peanut butter,
you probably don;t actually get down at all.
so,
without any more chatter,
check the rabbit-rabbit-type teleport:

TARTS AND STARS!!!
neighbors,
this mutha is one tasty, thick, rich, deviously dense, soft,
and fudgy fresh-to-deathly circle of pure-being expertism.
no joke.
it's really intense.
like,
that slice right there had me feeling the full effect of overindulgence.
hmm?
well, yeah,
i still had another right after.
c'mon,
too much is the right amount, man.
the fillings, in order of simplicity,
were created as follows:
*
chocolate fudge
-
1/2 cup chocolate chips;
1/3 tub vegan creamchee';
3 T powdered sugar;
3 T soymilk;
vanilla.
^ that's al there was to it,
heated until thoroughly combined.
and swirled into that prebaked crust alongside the other
-
*
peanut butter fudge
-
1/3 tub vegan creamchee';
1/4 cup soymilk;
vanilla;
1/4 cup peanut butter +/-;
3 T powdered sugar.
.......
guys,
it'a a two-pot no-brainer.
the crust will need to be weighted, as you'll be baking it empty.
and that tends to buckle and shrink it up super hard.
so,
weight it down with something bake-proof.
some people have those pie weight chains.
those are very cool.
alas,
i don't have one, so i used glass halfsie-marbles.
yup.
just because.
they worked great.-
on top of my treasure, i had to hit it up with crushed peanuts,
and some shaved chocolate truffle sprankles, too.
more treats,
more decorations,
more of everything.
that's the only way to say hello to april,
or may,
or any of the others, for that matter.
....and how about those butter-crunchy stars on top??
word up.
they're s'k'yooooooooooooooooooot!!!
just so you know,
i like my treats to be cute as a button.
yep.
ugly food is never invited over.
***********
you must make a treat on the first of the month.
that's the only way.
you say the words.
you bake the thing.
you do all that you mus to incubate some awesome in the hours available.
intentional active participation, neighbors.
that's what's up.
get into it,
get after it,
get on it,
get with it'
get going.
it's all really happening, with or without you-
but i'll be it's better WITH you;
never quiet, never soft.....

FOOLS.

i pity the fools today.
every day, really, in true mr. T fashion, minus the mohawk and gold.
but, today is the day for practical jokery ,
which i like way less than actual jokes.
yesterday, however,
was the last day of march.
and it was not dope.
nope.
not at all.
dinner, however,
was truly the savior of an otherwise disappointing day.
i'm serious.
half my clients cancelled,
due to the suckiness of our new england weather.
...shoutouts to snowstorms...
and the day was not as profitable or enjoyable as was promised.
bummer.
what's more,
i had no idea what to do for dinner until i'd been home for a bit.
then, it hit me.
march came in like a jerk, and went out like an A*-hole,
but that just sparked a little thought in my big ol' brain.
what?
you know it, and you like it:
marzo italiano arrivederci!!!!
right?
yeah!!!
heading in and stepping out on some similar sh!t.
....smart.
neighbors,
i had all the right ingredients.
i had all the right techniques.
all i needed was to DO it.
i think that's been a recurring theme in every aspect of my life.
where to begin?
at dinner, where the need was pressing presently.
word.
check out the soup-and-such-type teleport:

TORTELLINI ECCELLENTE!!!!
oh MAN!
these were the best ones yet.
that's a thing.
50/50 semolina/white flour dough,
with salt and olive oil and water,
kneaded, rested, rolled and cut......
that's homeamde hottness at it's finest.
but, the filling, kids.
THAT'S some good-good from beyond tomorrow.
real talk.
here's the 411:
-
*
BUTTERNUT SUNFLOWER SEED TORTELLINI FILLING!
1/2 small yellow onion, minced,
sauteed in olive oil,
with 1 cup minced butternut squash.
3  sunflower seeds;
a blast of GPOP;
a similarly sized blast of nutritional yeast;
1 T fire-roasted tomato flakes;
molto molto craxxx of black pepper;
a dash of crushed rosemary;
a dusting of thyme;
a shake of nutmeg;
plenty of salt (to taste);
and 3 T water to steam up and sizzle out all that stuff
after the sauteing sweats the onions.
then, add in 3 T finely chopped daiya mozzarella.
HOLY SMOKES!!!
this stuff tasted so good, i kept nibbling at it while i worked.
luckily, it'll be enough for over 30 torties, buddy.
but, i only made, and ate 26.
ha!
what?
because i ate all the rest of the filling, man!
jeez, take it easy.
i'm no quitter, i'ma hard-hittin' tortellini terrorizer,
and i don't stop until the job is done
serioulsy.
-
oh, yeah-
and then, there's the soup.
mmmmm.
a good broth is key to enjoying tortellini to their fullest.
check it:
-
*
MINESTRA!!!
-
1/4 onion, in thin strips;
with 1 clove crushed garlic,
and 2 cloves sliced garlic,
caramelized in olive oil;
plus,
1 1/2 cups vegetable broth;
GPOP &  black pepper,
1 T fire-roasted tomato flakes;
1/4 cup tiny cubed butternut squash.
^^^ how simple is that???
-
now, you gotta fold and rest your 'llinis.
then, you're gonna need to boil 'em until they float,
in salty water, for as long as that takes...
in the meantime,
mince up some parsley,
shred some fennel, and sea the sh!t out of it.
reserve some of it's fronds for garnish, too-
toast a few more sunflower seeds,
and blacken some sweet baby grape tomatoes.
all those extras?
that's the right way to activate a meal.
too much IS the right amount.
and sprankles make everything better.
facts.
***********
this is it.
april is for fools,
and for showers.
i like the hot kind, not the snow kind.
also,
i resent all the suffering that seeps into and soaks through my skin and bones.
therefore, i will never suffer fools, even april ones, gladly.
no more of that, thank you very much.
instead, i want that good ol' really real worthy warrior big action:
the competent, confident, committed, capable, culpable, communicative,
creative, compassionate, considerate cooperation that cultivates coincidences
and capital ideas of the first order.
word up.
is that what's happening?
i hope so.
is that what i'm working towards
heck yes.
success is subjectively measured,
but only when the objectives aren't well defined.
i've said it, i mean it, it's documented and decreed-
that warrior poetry is what i'm on about,
and everything else is a fool's errand;
never quiet, never soft.....

RABBIT!!!! RAAAAAABBIT!!!!!!!

a mouthful of magic words is no match for the mean and miserable
march into april's foolishness.
neighbors,
yet again,
just to prove a point, i presume...
...despite nobody contesting her supremacy-
nature wins.
hard.
and yeah, friends,
it's the first of the month.
the premier.
the debut.
the big reveal.
opening day.
and one thing is clear.
rules is rules.
how do i know?
because of the onslaught of F*ery falling from the sky.
if that's not some april fools sh!t,
then what the holy heck will it take to qualify?
ha. ha.
y'got me good, nature.
snow on top of snow, heavy,. sticky, slippery, cold, bold,
getting old, and freshly driven right up to my sills and jambs.
...out like a lamb, they said.
i've seen no evidence to support that.
other than maybe it could be because i feel like i've been fleeced,
and outside,
it's as white as snow.
the good news?
this A*-hole weather means we get one more mutha-effin' snow day.
and that means that today, at least, ANYthing can happen.
of course,
because it's also worldwide prank day, i doubt it'll be something good.
awwwwwww.
*
did i do the thing?
man, c'mon.
you know i do the thing.
that's how it goes.
the first words of the first day of every damned month.
i spoke 'em out loud.
i repeated myself again when i reopened my eyes after a little rest.
that's what we do when it's a new page on the calendar, kids.
the mantra, the summons, the spoken spellcast of fortuitous attraction.
yup.
say it with me:
rabbit! rabbit!
that's the stuff.
-
so, to recap,
it's snowing. a lot.
it's the first of the month.... again, and too soon.
it's the trickiest day of the year, at least, without any treats.
but,
then again,
i'm not some weak-sauce diapery doo-doo butterball,
so there actually ARE treats.
yeah!!
the treats game has been tight lately.
which is weird, honestly,
since i've been feel pressed and pressured for time and space.
shoutouts to delivering the delights despite not being delighted!
i guess i'm just making diamonds out of coal, or whatever.
anyway.
the last treat of march was magnificent.
seriously.
a flakier pastrier crust hasn't been had up here in the woodsly goodness
since the last one.
ha.
i'm ON it, folks.
the crusts are crustier than the hand-poked face tattoos of your local co-op cashier.
that's real,
but probably only if you live somewhere where they have those.
regardless,
the treats have been expert.
and this one was especially so.
check the teleport:

GALETTE ME IN!!!!!
why is that pastry so sexxxy?
MORE BUTTERISH than ever before!!!
word up.
add an extra 'nother other pat or three, and it just keeps getting flakier.
i'm excited.
i'm enjoying the results.
and,
i'm gonna do it again soon.
mmmmmmmmmmm.
apples!!
almonds!!
raspberries!!
creamchee'!!
alllllll the hottness combined to make a whole exponentially more elite
than any two of those things together...
at some point in your life, you may wanna do a cool thing.
i'd suggest making this.
uh-huh.
here's the way to do it:
-
*
APPLE-ALMOND-RASPBERRY-CREAM GALETTE!
-
crust:
2 cups flour;
12 T butterish;
3 T vegan creamchee'
3 T sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
pinch of salt;
non-dairy milk, added 1 T at a time, to everything inside of a food processor,
pulsed until all of it barely sticks together.
press it, wrap it, and rest it for at least an hour, or better, a day,
and then roll it out on a floured surface, tear it to size, and lay it out on parchment,
or a cast-iron skillet, or whatever you want-
but preheat your oven to 420F while you're at it.
-
filling:
3 T vegan creamchee';
3 T almond meal;
almond extract;
vanilla extract;
1 tsp lemon zest;
1/4 cup frozen raspberries;
stirred up on low heat, until it's all melty and wet and not gloppy or bloppity.
also, it'll be magenta.
that's good, too.
let it cool to room temp,
and spread it all on that pastry,
with another 1/4 cup of raspberries tossed down for exxxtra excellence.
mmm.
2 thinly sliced cored apples. fanned out,
and some toasted almond slices complete the look.
fold the edges of that dough over, accordion style,
to close in all that creamy goodness.
now,
if i were gonna do it, and i did-
i'd oil up the folded flaky goodness,
and stick a whole mess of raw sugar sprankles all along the outer edge.
why?
because too much is the right amount,
and nobody wants less awesomeness.
c'mon,
don't be dumb, duders.
...
bake it up for at least 20 minutes,
or until it looks as good as it will assuredly smell.
guys,
golden greatness is what we want our pastry to embody.
don't stop one second short of that.
***********
is today the day.
yes.
more than every other day/
probably not.
it's a first,
it's a worst,
it's a snow day,
and it's got plenty of time left to activate some expertism.
beyond all the work i've got in mind, and on hand, and on the schedule.
anything may happen, but everything seems well planned already.
perhaps it's time to april fool these fools,
and maybe take some time by (snow)storm t do the things i'd prefer.
.....
that includes pizza.
always with the pizza.
new calendar page,
first square checked off,
and pizza in the plans for later.
when i'm done shoveling,
i'll start shoveling slice after into my face.
that's good fortune for sure.
looks like all that rabbit-rabbit'ing is paying off already;
never quiet, never soft.....