BETTER PEOPLE!

i s'pose it's a good thing i'm a reclusive introvert
the instant i get away from the tattoo studio.
since i'm not out cavorting and frolicking late into the evenings,
there are no real distractions from the quest for expert sourdough.
....that's real.
and since i don't have anywhere else to be,
i don't so feel badly that i spend a chunk of my time folding dough, y'know?
i mean,
what else would i be doing?
going to a bar?
F* no!
going to a club?
that's just a bar with louder music.
i guess could be doing yardwork,
but, c'mon, now-
honestly, how sweatily freakin' terrible does mid-spring cold-air raking sound?
ugh.
i know.
and really, the bread dough doesn't even take that much attention.
i just happen to care more about, and have a greater emotional investment in,
a slice of unbelievable homemade radical sourdough toast in the morning,
than the prospect of being around a boring batch of box-mix m-f'ers.
i don't think that's elitist.
i think i've got my priorities in order, neighbors.
real talk:
good bread makes better people.
i'm just trying to ensure that self-improvement begins at the breakfast table.
i tell myself that small actions add up to big changes,
what's probably more accurate is that small actions add up to big heaps of bread.
mmmmmmm.
too much is the right amount, though,
and more and better bread is not a bad thing.
i've been a busy baker, and my tri-weekly bakes have produced some pretty decent results.
y'wanna see?
i'll preface it with the following:
flour. yeast, water, and salt are the requirements.
a pinch of sugar, a dash of gluten, a little bit of almond milk-
those things make an appearance here and there....
but the main four, plus time, and a whole lotta love,
are all you really need.
that said,
i make a LOT of oatmeal, white mountain white winter wheat, and rye breads.
you'll see:

I LOVE HOMEMADE FRESHLY BAKED HOTTNESS!!!!!
is that the perfect oatmeal country loaf?
it might be.
it didn't last long, that's usually a good indication.
and how about these:

rye with wheat germ? dope!
oatmeal boule?? SO dope!
i've found a rhythm to what i do.
i still don't weigh anything,
and i add a splash or a dash here and there by eye, and by feel.
i'd probably not do that if the bread sucked.
however, trusting my instincts about making dough has treated me well thus far,
so i'm gonna keep it up.
hey!
take a look at a few more, buddy:

and this one, with the explosive oven spring:

right?
the oatmeal is high on the sexxxy levels, for sure.
or how about these tasty mofos:

the crust game is on point.
uncovered in a convection oven at 460F.
for 50 minutes, with steam injection at the halfway point
(what i mean is, that's when i splash boiling water on the oven stones)
i've even tried some things that are probably not things with good reason,
like a 24hour bulk, with no cold proof:

awwww.
that one tasted ridiculous, but it's looks were a little on the underdramatic side.
-
guys,
my house is usually not super toasty warm,
so i bulk my dough, with 3 regularly timed folds from 6a.m. to 9a.m.,
plus one more at 11 a.m., then a looong rise until 6ish when i get home,
shape the loaves,
and let them rest for a nother 'nother couple of hours,
until 8:30-9 p.m.
the following day, they're in the oven by 7 a.m.
after i've run through all my early morning routines.
i think it's a system that works well,
with all of the responsible pet-ownership, and excessive treats-baking activation
that seem to suck in whole swaths of time every damned day.
y'gotta make time for the good bread, tho, bro.
rule is rules.
i recently ran out of cracked rye.
i did.
and i've been replacing it with einkorn and wheat berries.
nobody has noticed, so i guess that's good news, and bad news, all  at once.
it'd be nice if discriminating palates could discern the difference in kernels,
but i s'pose the savage tear-up of a hot slice is compliment enough.
look at some of these:

yeah.
shoutouts to my rye guy!

yeah!
(and the oatmeal's looking sexxxy as always, too)

YEAH!!
RYE  BREAD IS PRETTY DANG TASTY.
even without the caraway seeds.
-
dudes,
what about white whole wheat?
or spelt?
i got you covered:

i can't say it enough- i LOVE good bread!!!
-
i tried some oat flour, instead of oatmeal.
it was ok, but not as amazing as the whole oat cragmaster blasters i'm used to:

see?
nice, but where's the dynamic action?
the whole wheat business is uniformly a dense endeavor.
hearty, healthy whole grains are one thing,
but heavy crumb is the opposite of what i want.
to that end, i eff around with some white-on-white mountain jauns on the regular:

BOOM.

BOOOOM.
and just so you don't think i HATE the whole wheat, here's a little hybrid vigor for your eyes:

BOOOOOOOM!
that's what brings the party to the toaster,
and then gets freak-nasty with a pat of butterish.
uh-huh.
***********
i'm a busy baker,
and that's no joke.
in addition to all the cakes and cookies and pies and tarts,
i've got loaves on loaves on loaves, too.
i gift away a loaf or two every week.
really, what's the point of stockpiling bread?
it's got a finite lifespan, and it's made to be enjoyed.
i'm sharing my passion with a select few appreciators of the hottness.
not just anybody gets the good-good, guys.
i mean,
i'm not NOT an elitist,
i just don't think preferring bread to bars is the criteria.
determining who is worthy of a loaf tho?
yeah.
that's definitely a better example.
guess i need more good bread, to become a better person.
and i guess that means more time spent kneading at home.
it's all got to keep on happening.
after all,
that's the whole point;
never quiet, never soft.....

CAKE FACE!!

thank goodness there's cake.

i mean it.

day after day after day,

there have been complications, cancellations, and aberrations

in most aspects of my workday studio life.

the scheduling is problematic.

the keeping of appointments is even worse.

and of course,

the tattoos that do show up?

mostly dudes, dudes.

damn,

it's nice to know that the cake situation is handled, at least

i can't cancel cake, even if i wanted to-

it's baked, and it's decorated, 

and it's ready to take good care of me.

....a nice slice, neighbors.

yup.

that's all it takes to turn a turd of a day into a totally expert one.

simple.

and luckily, i've got a whole lotta slices, 

enough to last me through the weak weekend, 

so i can overcome the doldrums of these dark days,

and show up all caked-out and ready to rock all these tattoos exxxtra hard.

that's practically professional planning.

i owe it all to the cake, obvi.

yeah.

that's right.

another 'nother cake.

what can i tell you?

i like cake.

i need cake.

i'm a cakey baker's kind of man,

and man, oh man, oh MAN, i have a good one right here and now.

check the teleport:

CHOCOLATE AND ALMONDS AT THE SAME TIME!!!

mmmmmmmmm.

chocolate cake can be tricky.

that's no joke.

if you're going heavy in the cocoa zone,

the crumb can get a little dry-

but if you add too much liquid, it bakes unevenly,

the edges getting crispy but the middle staying batterish.

we don't want that.

nope.

we want moist, springy, soft sensuality in our crumb.

right?

heck yes we do.

what's the solution?

better flour.

huh?

no, for real: almond meal is pretty moist stuff.

and there's almond everything in this one-

-

*

CHOCOLATE-ALMOND CAKE!

-

preheat your oven to 360F.

grease and flour two 9" rounds.

in your trusty stand-mixer, cream together:

3/4 cup sugar;

1/3 cup raw sugar;

1 1/2 tsp almond extract;

2 tsp vanilla ;

1 stick + 2T (10T) vegan butter;

1/2 tsp salt; 

add and whisk on high:

3/4 cup non-dairy yogurt.

-

to that sloppy mess, you're gonna wanna include:

2 cups flour + 2 T cornstarch;

1 cup almond meal;

1/2 cup coarse-ground toasted almonds;

2 tsp baking kapowder;

1 tsp baking soda;

1/3 cup cocoa;

and 1 cup almond milk.

-

whip that up into aerated fluffy cakey batter,

divide it evenly,

and bake for 30 minutes.

when it's cool, but naked,

y'gotta get activated on some frosting styles.

yes, you do.

-

in your freshly cleaned stand-up motorized mixin' bowl-

whisk together:

1/2 stick vegan butter;

1 1/2 cups powdered sugar;

almond extract;

vanilla extract;

almond milk, added one T at a time, 

until it whips up all floofy and light.

the center and the top are the two most important parts.

if there's extra, skim-coat the sides too.

i still had chocolate frosting from my graham squares left,

so i used that on there, too.

...it looked good, but something was missing-

  and that's when i noticed the absence of sprankles.

jeez.

almost made a rookie mistake there,

but, rules is rules, 

and too much is the right amount,

and MORE hottness is always a good idea.

hence, a dash of toasted almond slice spranks.

mmmmmmmmhmmmmmm.

that's the way it was s'posed to be.

and that's the way it is.

***********

maybe today will bring some new hottness with it-

i mean,

the sun has been obscured for three days,

and the rain and wind haven't really allowed for much in the way of warmth,

but,

the downhill downstream waterfalls around the neighborhood are lookin' really fresh!

crabtree likes to drink the mountain-cold water,

and i like to rest for ten seconds by the brookside babbling of the rushing current.

that'll most likely be followed by a full day of zappy zips and tatty 'ttoos,

but afterwards,

it's dinner and dog excitement until whenever sleep hits,

on an all-the-way-live but unsurprisingly solo saturday night.

fresh baked bread?

i got that.

galettes?

i got them.

pie for your eye?

rolling dough between sentences.

i'm making things.

i should be making pictures.

maybe i will.

i mean,

there's enough cake to last a day or two,

and that should see me through to monday.

maybe that'll buy me an evening of art?

i guess we'll know within 48 hours;

never quiet, never soft.....

SQUARES!!!

it's no big secret that i tattoo a lot.
i mean,
six days a week,
every week,
with very few exceptions,
for the last five years in a row,
plus thirteen years of regularly scheduled tattzappin' action before that.
i'm busy,
but i'm not crazy busy.
and while i tattoo a lot,
i'm not tattooing a lot of what i'd like to.
weird, right?
you'd almost wonder if i was even any good.
here's the thing-
when you do a ton of tattoos that you don't fall into one stylistic category,
you get the privilege of doing tons of tattoos that are really different.
up here, though,
where redneckery and the 'cult of the mom' are rampant,
that means doing a holy sh!t-ton of hunting and fishing tattoos,
and also a buttload of smallish kid-tribute birthstone-colored whatevers.
...i'm serious.
it's not terrible in the movie checks department...
-that marinara money don't come cheap, son-
but's it's hell on the self-esteem some days.
no, for real.
i'm not too good to do any ol' regular-A* tattoos.
no way.
i gave up on that inadvertently aggrandized ego sh!t long ago.
but,
it's still really just kind of nice to be appreciated for what i CAN do,
rather than just employed to do the doo-doo these dudes desire.
awwwwwwww.
that's probably why i bake so much stuff, neighbors.
all that self-directed creativity has to go somewhere, right?
i'll be the tattoo janitor for now-
cleaning up all the crap that comes in-
but i'm gonna keep on keepin' it real as the maestro in this kitchen, kid.
that's no joke.
-
it's also no big secret that i really like coconut.
i mean,
i use a lot of it in the stuff i make,
and then,
i eat a lot of whatever that happens to be.
uh-huh.
coconut is GOOD, dudes.
for real.
and i've got another 'nother set of treats that showcase it's super-sexxxiness.
i am getting more and more psyched on soft and spongy cakes, neighbors.
check the teleport:

GRAHAM FLOUR IS DELICIOUS!!!
and it's 1/3 of the overall mass in the middle of these stupendous squares.
YEAH!!
chocolate-frosted, dark chocolate ganache-drizzled, toasted coconut sprankled
tall blocks of sweet coconutty grahamtastical terrificness.
you do want to have some of these at your next party, people.
here's how to make that happen:
-
*
GRAHAM-COCONUT SQUARES!
-
preheat the oven to 360F.
grease and flour a 9" x 9" pan.
-
in a medium bowl, combine:
1 cup sugar (pref. coconut sugar, but whatever, man);
1 stick (8T) vegan butter;
3 T vegan creamchee';
1 tsp vanilla paste;
1/2 tsp salt;
-cream all that into one smooshed moosh,
and stir in:
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce;
-get that all muddy in the mix,
and add:
1 cup crushed coconut;
1 cup flour;
1 cup graham flour;
1/4 cup tapioca flour;
2 tsp bakey powder;
1 tsp bakey soda;
3/4 cup coconut milk (the carton kind, although the can stuff would probably rock, too)
mix it roughly, until all the ingredients are one cohesive batter-
spread it out evenly,
and bake it for 30 minutes.
cool it completely on a wire rack,
frost it with your own homemade chocolate goodness-
that tub'o'stuff at the supermarket is SO gross, buddy.
-
melt up some chocolate chips, coconut milk, and vanilla,
with a few spoonfuls of powdered sugar,
and when it's all soft and smooth and spreadable?
put it in a plastic baggie, with a small slice in one of the corners,
and drizzle that deep dopeness all over the F*ing place.
that's the stuff.
and DO NOT stop there.
no way.
rules is rules,.
y'gotta activate those toasted coconut sprankles, too!
on the ones-
too much is the right amount.
so don't go getting lazy in the homestretch.
just take a look at what you get once you slice it all up into squares:

C'MON!!!
and the'y're small, so they slide down s'smoooooooth!!
there's not a single generic tattoo idea, in a street shop studio,
in this remote mountain vale that can conquer my mood.
at least,
not after i take down a few of these babies.
and that's no joke.
it's all really happening, that's true,
but the treats are what really make most of it manageable.
i'm grateful for the privileges i have,
and for the opportunity not to stand in the rain, laboring manually,
for minimal gains, and fewer dollars.
i don't dispute that i'm lucky,
i'm just noting that i'm also cognizant of the limits of that good fortune.
cake squares, however, know NO limits, and that's the TRUTH.
*
....and there's a traffic situation.
yup.
all roads have been rerouted leading into town,
and that means the studio is largely getting bypassed by almost every car
headed northwards into the woodsly goodness.
awesome?
totally.
looking out at a ghost town street is a great mood-setter in-between appointments.
nothing says optimism like rainy days, sunless skies, and an empty road.
i guess we're getting a brand new bridge.
that'll make heading out of town a whole lot easier form here on out;
never quiet, never soft.....

TILTY AF!!!!!

F* yeah!!!
i had company over for dinner.
three very different, very expert friend of mine,
in the same place, at the same time,
ready to get busy on some gut-busting belly-blasting shark gluttony.
they say that under normal circumstances,
dinner get-togethers aren't about life-changing meals,
but rather, the spanning of time with people we like.
i don't know what normal circumstances even ARE;
but under my roof, in my kitchen, with my peoples,
i demand the ingestible dopeness explode in every direction,
i insist the elite edible expertism evoke actual emotions, bro.
real talk.
live and direct to your brain, via your mouthpiece,
i'm trying to impress and express my gratitude and generosity,
my professional appreciation, and my good fortune, to all these good fellas.
word up.
and since my buddy beau is about to bounce out west for the season;
and my homeboy carlos has been out of the loop for a few weeks;
and dennis has been hooking the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress up
with allll the good stuff-
it was time to bring the mutha-'uckin' ruckus,
and pump up the volume,
and turn on the loudest, freshest, hard-styled hottness,
and take all of that to eleven.
yup.
what could possibly do all of those things,
and still look sexxxy while a group of dudes poked it with sticks?
c'mon, son-
y'know what time it is:
SUSHI VS SUSHI.
a.k.a. sushi rematch.
........
.
.
.
FIGHT!

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!
we out here gettin' TILTY, fools.
recognize....
dudes,
too much is the right amount.
i believe in that statement,
and i don't just stand by it-
i live it.
but, before i get into it-
let me begin with the few non-sushi items on appearing on the spread:
*
cucumber salad, with sugar snap peas, and scallions,
tossed in rice wine vinegar and sesame oil,
with toasted open-sesame sossamon seed sprankles!
that's a hell of an opener.
*
we had a pile of edamame with the coarse sea salt crystals, too.
damned right.
rules is rules, and those jauns are on the fixed menu, for sure.
*
now,
let's get into the big action.
neighbors,
we beat up ten expert extra-large next-level rolls,
plus five styles of maki.
with three sauces, horseradish, and tamari.....
let me begin with my personal favorite,
and by no coincidence, my own custom creation,
taken up a whole other 'nother notch this time,
with the addition of a smoooooooth matcha mayo SAUCE!
teleport:

THE GREEN ROLL!!!!!!!
bamboo rice is F*ing terrific, and the taste is outstanding.
it already has a jasmine green tea undernote,
so topping it with the subtlety of matcha?
that's twin towers of tremendous attacking your tastebuds!
and when they hit you?
you win!
inside, there's asparagus, spinach, scallion,
cucumber, avocado, pea shoots, and cilantro,
and when you give it a squeeze of lime, too, kid??
what-whaaaaaaat??!!?!??!!
.............flawless victory.
*
next up-
a whole other 'nother new version of vegan sorcery.
i wasn't sure it would work,
but i was sure as heck determined to try anyway:
RADICAL TAPIOCA PEARL VEGAN ROE, BRO!!!!
yuuuuuuuuuuuup.
a spoonful of pearls, with turmeric and paprika and salt, in a half a cup of boiling water,
simmered and stirred for thirty or so minutes, until they were plump, and clear,
and dyed an aquatic eggy color....
guys,
c'mon.
a quick rinse, and a little spoon, and you get this:

YOU CAN'T PLAY WITH MY ROE-ROE!
RO'-RO', DON'T TRY TO PLAY ME OUT!!!
wordimus prime.
how well does it accentuate that spicy radish magic?
they're pretty much best friends, kid.
mmmmmmmm.
-
*
that's a roasted red, white, and blue potato roll,
with creamchee', and spinach, next to it.
topped by our house-blend smoked-paprika turmeric SAUCE!
*
the beet-dyed red one with the sossamon sesame spranks to the left
is, unsurprisingly, also another boomfire banger in these streets-
sweet potato, carrot, radish, and crushed sesame seed/cornstarch tempura tofu!
that's right.
*
tofu sticks are so good in sushi.
these jauns aren't playing around, either-
tamari and sesame oil and starch and seedflour make for an oh-so-tight skin.
i baked them, but they still got puffed-up like on the fry-up.
there's no measuring this stuff,
y'just toss 'em all together, and throw whatever you end up with in the oven at 400F,
until it looks done to you.
there's no right answer, so you cant eff it up.
that's awesome!
*
we had some classic-ish rolls, too, of course-
-asparagus, avocado, cucumber, pea shoots.
-inside-out, sweet potato, carrot, pea shoot, cucumber, with seeds and microgreens.
-heartbeet-root-tinted carrot, radish, avocado, tofu, and cucumber.
-MORE pink magic, with scallion, pea shoots, cucumber, and carrot.
...and there was sriracha mayo for some, and that smoky orange sorcery for others.
i mean,
really, the rolls decide what they need for themselves, really.
i just put the activation to 'em,
after they let me know what's required.
...is that crazy?
crazy TASTY, maybe.
ha!!
*
and last up for the rolls?
teriyaki tempeh, with purple potato, carrot, and radish-
thin strips of multigrain tempeh, seared in sesame oil,
splashed with a few tablespoons of water,
and activated with a healthy glug of teriyaki SAUCE.
yup.
all the sesame, sugar, agave, ginger, garlic, GPOP, and soy,
soaked right into each slab!
expert?
you'd have to have it to believe it, but once you have it,
you'll never be the same.
*
and you KNOW you like the end roll blossom forest.
how could you not?
look, man:

it's like they're erupting with deliciousness.
that means more food than the roll can hold,
and that means we're doing it right.
-
however,
i'll bet your eye is being pulled away towards those ro'ro'-topped maki-rocking bloxxx.
how could you not be psyched on that much awesome in one bite?
roasted sweet potato, baked tofu triangles, spranks, and that salty roe'pioca!!!!
GET ON MY LEVEL!!!
*
and the maki didn't stop there.
no way.
what do you think i am?
lazy?
unimaginative?
weak?
c'mon.
too much is all there is.
and too much is all there can ever be.
check the teleport one more time, please:

WORD!
dudes,
i even made every roll especially fat in anticipation of extra guests.
i'm not trying to let anybody leave in any condition other than full.
red ones for beau and carlos, with avocado and pea shoots, and baked 'fu-
that sweet potato one, with the 'fu and the beet and the blop of SAUCE?
that was the dennis'  first-timer's treat.
above those, tho-
-microgreen, parsnip, and teriyaki tempeh! S'DOPE!
-and beet, radish, carrot, sriracha! S'EARTHY!
all the food, all the friends, all the awesome.
it all unfolded in perfect synchronicity.
i had a great time,
and if nothing else,
i feel as though i provided a meal worthy of a saga.
hahaha.
for realsies, tho-
good food, better people, and crabtree.
always with crabtree.
he LOVES people so much, and i love that about him.
everybody got along great,
everybody ate well,
everybody was a part of it,
that's the best.
i am so grateful for the time i have been given.
no jokes.
the overlaps of spanned time and occupied space
that we share with worth-a-sh!t active participants
are what makes bright spots in dark days an' that.
this is it.
heroic SUSHI vs SUSHI rematch armageddon.
the winner?
SUSHI.
duh;
never quiet, never soft.....

DE LUJO!!!!

aloha, dudes!

yesterday,

crabtree got luxuriously lavished with attention all afternoon

from our good friend patti.

and that lucky little four-legged fireball loved every last second of it.

in fact,

it was SO good for him,

that it was in turn SO good for me.

yup.

he was just about the best behaved little buddy all evening as a result.

he needs an outlet for all of his impressive, expressive, explosive energy,

and since he isn't much of a cook, i can't really have him help me in the kitchen.

he is a snuggler, and a curious investigator, and a total clown-

so having somebody to hang out with during the day lets him burn off all that energy,

so that he's the sleepiest little stoopidhead all night.

.....and that is awesome news for both of us.

yep.

i appreciated it, 

he appreciated it, 

and hopefully she had fun with his sharky allgator-bullet-head, too.

-

it was awesome to have a languid little torporous torpedo keeping watch over me

while i wild'd out on some TACO TUESDAY sh!t. 

normally, the prep is punctuated by his prancing dancing distractions,

but he hung tight, 

and laid back to enjoy the spectacle of my majestic mess-making mealtime methods.

heck yes.

even though he was super good,

he still had dumb dog food.

and even though i'm noticing some expansion around the edges of my silhouette,

i still had two types of tremendous tacos, in triplicate, like a mutha-F*ing monster.

too much is the right amount, man.

get on my level. 

and while you're at it, check the teleport:

IF YOU DON'T GET BUSY WITH TACOS, YOUR SAUCE IS BULLSH!T!!

real talk.

don't come at me with crunchy tacos.

don't play around with just add water seasoning mix.

get rad with it.

add the fire and explosions to it.

create something custom, unique, individual, and expert.

c'mon, neighbors.

we all deserve especially sexxxy tacos.

i mean, really,

who decided that box mix doo-do butter should be the sad standard?

and why would you listen to them?

let's do the thing like we mean it, ok?

ok.

toasted soft flour flaps of foldable fire for my face.

that's how it starts.

from there, anything could happen.

in this case?

i got it poppin' off  with three servings of three sisters tacos, bros!!

wooooooooord.

blackened butternut squash, with cayenne, black pepper, and smoked paprika,

in olive oil, with poblano peppers, and caramelized onions.

that's one sister.

the other two?

chipotle dusted, pepper-crusted sweet corn and black beans.

s'dope.

served up on baby green leaf lettuce, with juicy little tomatoes,

with big sprigs of cilantro,

and a drizzle of cashew sour crema,

finished with a sprouty splash of microgreenery!

drool level: eleven.

-

after that, 

i had a few MORE plans for bigger and better activation on my plate,

and i made sure that what followed was just as juicy.

which is why i also terrorized a saucy splat of tempeh chili tacos, too! 

half a block of tempeh, with a quarter of a sweet onion, sauteed in oil,

with 1/4 cup of diced tomato, 2 T minced jalapeno, 2 T minced poblano,

cumin, oregano, thyme, paprika, cayenne, coriander, GPOP, and nootch-

all of that, sweated and wet, and sizzling, smelled super elite.

but, when i added in 3 T crushed tomatoes,

and 1/2 cup broth?

it soaked it all up, 

and quickly thickened, 

and got all sorts of super-sloppy-jose on me.

s'delish!

with pea shoots, and radishes, and purple cabbage, and crispy little cucumber slices,

the crunch game offset the smoosh game in harmonious balance.

a few red onion sprankles, a couple pickled jalapeno rings, 

and a drizz' of that crema had me hollerin' out loud to crabby.

he didn't really care, but i kept right on yelling.

sometimes,

the tacos are too good, and you've gotta add a big yell to the finale,

lest you cheat yourself out of the full experience/.

and the fullest of fullness is what i was aiming for.

-

guys,

was i scoopling rice and guac into my tacos, too?

of course i was.

rules is rules, and if there's MORE treats, y'gotta use 'em up.

if you're a frequent reader on here,

you already know how expert the rainbow fiesta guacamole is.

however, if this is your first time?

please allow me elaborate:

-

*

RAINBOW FIESTA GUACAMOLE!!

-

3 avocados;

3 T each sweet red, orange, and yellow baby bell peppers, minced;

1/2 jalapeno, minced;

2 T poblano- you guessed it- minced;

a dash of minced red chili, or 1/4 tsp cayenne;

a generous grabhand of chopped cilantro;

1 T finely chopped scallion;

2 cloves crushed raw garlic;

1/4 cup diced red onion;

salt and fresh-cracked coarse black pepper; 

Garlic Powder, Onion Powder;

lime AND lemon juice-

^^ mash up and combine all of that, 

squeeze a little more  lemon and lime on top,

drop the pits back in for preservation pruposes, cover it, 

and let it hang out for half a day to maxxximize the marrying 

of all that mystical masterful flavor!!!

WU-TANG!

-

...and there's also a little forbidden black rice, with yellow hot pepper, 

scallions, cilantro, and lime juice-

rice is good.

black rice is very good.

and MORE food is definitely my favorite food.

anybody could have a lame taco experience.

that's easy.

the thing is, it's just as easy to have a righteous one.

i'm choosing that path on the daily.

righteous, radical real foods, for my face,

without box mix or brutality on my plates?

that's what's up.

*

today is the day.

my day off.

oh, 

don't worry- it isn't very warm.

it is likely to be rainy.

and i haven't got any idea about what i feel like making.

jeez.

the dog still needs a walk, so we'll start there,.

and see where those roads take us.

after that?

well,

it's never too early to start planning a monumental dinner.

that's real.

so,

i'll be plotting while we're plodding,

and he'll be playing and pooping.

that's a pretty good deal.

if you happen to see us on the road?

maybe you should stop and say hello.

we just might like that;

never quiet, never soft.....

BABY BLUES!!!

dudes!

some mondays are better than others.

heck,

some girls mothers are bigger than other girls mothers....

shoutouts to morissey. 

if you know, you know, y'know?

no?

well,

the moms aren't important,

but the rest of the day was a good one.

i had bread baking early in the a.m.,

and while the oven was hot,

i also fired up a big batch of baby-sized scones-

crabtree and i went for a rapid walk through the sunny streets 

and along the raging waterways of our neighborhood,

and,

i tattooed the homie beau's off-hand with some jormundgandr activation,

what?

oh.

that's the midgard serpent, son.

he left with a smile and a fat hoof where his left hand was earlier in the day.

our friend dennis came through with some bamboo rice,

so wendesday may just see a sushi rematch on the menu.

shoutouts to the green roll,

with a matcha-wasabi mayo this time perhaps?

we'll see.

but,

back to what made the day so delightful-

i think it was the scones, honestly.

i do,

i used less flour, and more fruit,

and the combination made a batch of biscuits so moist and juicy,

so flaky and fresh,

they had my face feeling very ambitious.

hmm?

how ambitious?

well,

i tuned up a whole handful fast-as-you-like,

and throughout the day,

i confidently indulged in a few more for good measure.

you know how it is:

too much is the right amount.

neighbors,

i was so flushed with the rush of victorious daily doings,

i even did some sketching for future projects after supper.

thank goodness for blueberry scones!

haha.

i'm assuming it was the deliciousness and the antioxidant healthful hottness

of my fresh-baked morning endeavors that made the whole rest of the day

a fulfilling and fortuitous overlap of spirit and memory and community. 

honestly,

if you see them, i think you'll agree-

check the bloobs-on-bloobs-type teleport:

SCONELETTES!!!!

s'kyooooooooooot.

and look closer, so you can see just what i mean:

damn, kids-

that juicy bloob action is off the charts.

and the buttery-soft sorta sweet crumb has got what you want-

flakes, cakes, and tenderoni crumbles.

expert!!!

a half a teaspooon of crushed freeze-dried blueberries,

a quarter cup of powdered sugar, a few drops of vanilla, and a splash of soymilk,

just to make all of that a spreadably squeezable syrup,

had the drizzle game going to eleven, for sure.

mmmmm.

and that over kapowdered sugary sprankles?

obv.

there's no point in making them lame, bro.

c'mon.

don't be dumb.

i want you to make these.

i hope you make these.

i want to eat some if you do.

yum.

do it like this:

-

*

SCONELETTES!

-

preheat your oven to 410F.

-

combine 1 stick vegan butts;

1/2 cup raw sugar;

1 tsp vanilla;

1 tsp vanilla bean paste; (sub. 1 more tsp vanilla x)

3 T vegan creamchee;

-

add 1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce;

3 cups a.p. flour;

2 tsp bakey kapowder;

1 tsp bakey soda;

1/4 cup tapioca;

1+ cups wild blueberries (the small awesome ones);

3/4 cup non-dairy milk + 2 tsp lemon juice...

add it up,

mix it up,

and fold it over and turn it and fold it again, and again, and again, over and over,

until it's all one soft, not-too-wet dough.

on a well-floured work surface,

press the whole ball of doughy dopeness down to about >1" thick,

and cut out some circles.

heck, cut triangles, or hearts, or whatever.

i made 'em round, but you do you.

i'm not your boss.

anyway,

i got 22 3" jauns out of the batch.

with three reformations of the scrap completing the mission

with nearly no waste.

nice.

i fit all of that on one baking tray,

and froze it for eight minutes....

(i had something else in the oven and it needed that much longer)

-

they get baked for twenty minutes,

during which the purple haze, the blue monday, 

and the greenification of the flour all unfolded from those juicy berries.

i didn't mind,

and you won't either.

they're flaky from all the butter and folding;

they're soft and springy, 

because there's a billion pounds of bloobs steaming around inside;

they're not too sweet, even with all that icing on top;

and they're smooth, dudes.

plus, this thing i've been doing, where i make things smaller?

i eat more, but i eat the same.

i don't hate that.

and of course, 

i brought them with me to work,.

to share with whoever showed up.

attendance is the first step towards activation, man.

of you're not around, you'll never get any treats.

nope.

rules is rules,

and one more is that i deliver on flavor, but i don't do deliveries.

you're all welcome to a bite of everything,

but if it isn't worth a visit?

well,

then you can't have any.

-

i'm grateful for good days.

i'm especially grateful for the few friends that come around.

they're good ones, 

and i know how lucky i am to have them around;

never quiet, never soft.....

WET LEAVES!!!

making art.

taking walks.

going for rides.

exercising.

writing,

reading.

baking.

lately,

it's ALL really happening,

and more of all it than usual, as a matter of fact.

so,

where the heck did all that expert time management come from??

...salads.

that's right.

it comes from salads.

yup.

ha.

what?

yeah, 

yeah,

i eat salad mutha-F*ers.

word to wet leaves, they're delicious.

dudes,

making a salad takes, at most, about five minutes.

and it's got nutrients and sh!t.

and it's crawnchy.

and it's helpful.

how?

well, i've maybe been eating a little MORE than my fair share,

and as i spent two weeks being weak in the exercise department,

i've noticed a few changes that aren't super-sexxxy around the ol' wasitline.

hence,

salads.

minimal oil,

maxxximum green stuff,

a few sweetened seeds, sprouts, whatever's around.

salad, man.

that's not normally my thing.

but,

i guess i'm making it my thing.

check the teleport:

SALAD.

SALAD.

SALAD.

yeah!!

do you know how to make salad?

if the answer is no, you are the worst.

hahahah.

c'mon.

dudes!

i'm reppin' some healthful replacement meals.

i mean,

overdoing it is awesome,

unless you end up all fat and blarpity.

that's when you've got to overindulge in better stuff.

overdosing on lettuce?

yeah, good luck with that.

good food does good things,

but big batches of big treats every day do other other things, too.

it's all fun until someone ends up lookin' lazy and sloppy.

-

hey, kids,

there's no shame in eating a gigantic salad sometimes.

i mean,

i don't want a small meal,

i just don't want a huge life-preserver of human flash around my navel.

yuck.

now,

if you're big, and you like being big, then be big.

that's your business.

over here tho, where i'm at?

i look weird being skinny-fat, and i all-too-vovodly remember when i was.

never again.

nope.

i can't go backwards.

it felt bad, and it looked worse,

and i'm not about that life at ALL.

look, 

i can appreciate the thickness.

heck, 

i may just run up on some exxxtra-large cheeks for weeks.

i'm no size-ist,

and while i'm definitely guilty of body-shaming the sloppiest jalopies on the lot,

that's way more about effort than circumference.

real talk.

i've got big love for big girls,

and i've got high-fives for barrel-bodied bros-

but i just can't hang out with sh!t-heap messes.

on the ones,

presentation counts.

see those salads?

presentation.

it counts.

awwwww.

sorry, everybody.

but i never said i wasn't shallow.

*

i'm bringing my ensalada gigante game up strong.

and i'm taking the mix-in's and add-ons to eleven.

i want the big deluxxxe.

i want all the lettuce.

i want MORE of all of it.

and the best part?

you can eat a LOT of salad before you're full.

too much is the right amount, neighbors;

never quiet, never soft.....

MINI-DONUTS!!!

easter came and went,
with minimal contact with the outside world.
yeah,
i bumped into a few other dog walkin' weekenders on the roadways
of this woodsly neighborhood,
and beau jogged by on his way to enhanced physical stamina,
but mostly,
it was crabtree and i.
that terrible terrier, who i also believe may be an atheist,
as i implored him, for the love of god,
not to be such a feisty F*ing battlehammer barbarian all freakin' day...
but he was unmoved.
so i had a hard-styled day, in hot weather, with a wearisome and warlike
bull-headed shark-bullet,
wherein i made the most of my surprise day-off times,
although, it turned out that time had other ideas-
yup.
the dog and i did what we do,
and that included operating at high speed and high intensity at high volume,
but, for all the loud, fresh, hardness for our faces that the day contained,
the highlight happened pretty early, and remained unsurpassed all afternoon.
uh-huh.
guys,
just because i got a pair of new small-circle dozen-of-donut pans,
i took full advantage,
in total all-out too much is the right amount fashion.
how many donuts?
ALL the donuts!
seriously-
check the basically-circle-muffins-type teleport:

HOLY EASTER SUNDAY HOLES!!!
friends,
i made five dozen miniature cake donuts.
five DOZEN.
wordimus prime-
that's sixty mutha-flippin' rings of nutmeg and vanilla and butter and sugar.
mmmmmmm.
half were o.g. cakes,
and the other half had cocoa stirred in,
for a fair and equal share of chocolate cakey bake-ups.
dudes!
^^^^look at 'em!
 that's powdered sugary agave-accented 'honey'-glaze on some.
and melted dark chocolate ganache on others.
strawberry powder icing and blueberry powder icing both showed up, too.
and powdered sugar.
and stripes of everything,
and sprankles.
always sprankles.
rules is rules.
and you know i had some easter-grass-and-egg-styled jauns.
site-specificity and seasonal propriety are always on the menu,
even during the holidays i don't go all-the-way-crazy for...
because i still go all-the-way-crazy for DONUTS!
the downside?
they're cake donuts.
baked ones.
so the smooth fried fluff of the vastly-superior yeast-risen ones
was noticeably not present in these heavy d's.
also, i s'pose you need a donut pan to make 'em, too.
i figured a single batch of the recommended recipe makes around a couple dozen,
(more like a couple and a half)
so i got two of 'em, so i wouldn't have to wait...
i even used the recipe on the cardboard they were packed in!
i did!!
well,
i veganized it,
and modified it to suit my needs,
but, still-
also,
i was already fresstyling it by the second batch, with the chocolate an' that.
you wanna make 'em?
suit yourself.
-
*
minidonutdoodoos!
-
1 1/2 cup flour;
1 tsp bakey pow 1/2 tsp bakey soda;
1/2 cup sugar;
1/4 tsp salt;
4 T melted butts;
1 tsp vanilla;
1/2 cup non-dairy milk;
1 T egg replacer + 3 T HOT water;
nutmeg;
4 T cocoa (optional)
that's it, dudes.
all the dry, plus the butterish,
followed by milkish and egglessness,
and that vanilla.
spread it around and bake it at 350F for 12 minutes,
in that slippery donut pan,
and you've got sloppy muffiny cake bombs.
-
man, i'm sure glad i got two of these pans to likely never-ever use again!
awwwwwwww.
here's the thing, tho, kids-
they're small, so they go down quick, and smooth,
and you can eat a LOT before you even notice how many have transmuted themselves
into low self-esteem and bellyaches within your body!
yikes!!!
also,
i couldn't NOT try one of each style.
i mean, what am i?
an A*-hole?
c'mon.
and so it goes.
more of everything all the time.
*
i wasted time yesterday.
no.
not on purpose.
by accident.
a minor maladjustment ruined hours of work.
ugh.
yeah.
i sculpted a few heads, for the first time in months,
in anticipation of making something new and exciting.
yeah.
sylvan wodengeists are kind of my thing.
that's woodsly goodsly forest spirits, bro.
and the ones i just made were poised to become something worth a damn.
check the pre-bake-type teleport:

right?
but,
there's a catch.
-there always is-
the polymer clay i used shouldn't be cured-up with gas heat,
not is it recommended for use in your everyday oven,
as it gives off toxic fumes.......
so instead i used my purpose-purchased toaster oven,
but,
the size of the models was a bit off,
and the distance between heater coil and face was reduced by an inch.
which, in turn, pretty much amped up the smoky plastic toxin attack to eleven,
whilst simultaneously scorching the sh!t out of half of each face.
F*ing hell, dudes.
this is what happens......when you suck:

womp womp.
looks like these guys are getting the big paint treatment.
it's the only proven method of uncrapulating blackened crap like that.
dang.
if i'd have known that,
i'd only have used one color clay for everything,
instead of blending tones like a jerk all afternoon.
of course, if i'd known i'd F* it up,
i'd probably just NOT have done so.
and now it's down to this.
finding MORE hours to maybe make these minis into something magical,
all over again.
i could start over.
that's true.
certainly, the next time a few spare hours just pops up out of nowhere,
i just might do.
in the meantime,
i'm over here wondering what kind of nail polish can make those pearly teeth
look pearly all over again.
these are the thoughts that occupy my time away from the stove or my tattoo station.
it's all really happening,
or mishappening, as the case may be;
never quiet, never soft.....

RESURRECTION!!!

hey dudes!
all my clients cancelled for today.
yup.
that means it's a surprise day off.
and i'm pretty surprised, for sure.
i guess they didn't know it was easter when they booked their appointments?
maybe it's because their moms want to make sure they get their cadbury goo-eggs?
plus,
there's those chopped-off lamb limbs, and pig buttcheeks to prepare-
those are important (to lambs and pigs, especially)
yuuuuuuuucccccccccccckkkkkkkkkkk.
and also,
there's something with little girls in hats, i think, too, right?
that's a part of easter, isn't it?
i dunno.
it's been a heck of a long time since my sisters and i got dressed up to go to church
for the sake of all the elderly ladies in our family.
so, while i remember the hats, and the cellophane grass,
and the hollow rabbits with candy eyes,
i have to let you guys in on a little tidbit-
easter isn't one of the ones, man.
hmm?
oh.
like, it isn't one of the ones i care about.
holidays, i mean.
it's mostly ham and pastels or some sh!t,
and while i love a soft palette of springtime color,
all the jesusy-passed-over-passover-comeback-kid stuff doesn't tickle my fancy.
nope.
and the thought of a last supper bums me out SO hard.
for realsies,
i want ALL of the suppers, man.
and besides,
my kids aren't around for baskets of candy beans,
and they're past the point of funtime egg hunting,
and i don't eff around with eggs anyway....
nope.
easter isn't really the hottness when you don't employ any of the ingredients...
except maybe the hats.
no. hold on. they're actually bonnets, aren't they.
damn.
i'm not about that life.
but,
y'know what IS the hottness?
that new-new cake recipe jauns!
WORD UP.
and is it heavenly enough to replace all the other stuff?
.......yep.
i can get behind some of that.
i can climb aboard that party-bus bandwagon.
that i can dive right into that deep cakey crumb.
friends,
the wages of sin is CAKE.
thank god that dude died to cancel out the bill for all of that.
i'm so super-psyched on how primo the results are.
check the resurrection-type teleport:

IT IS RISEN, SON!!!
(due to leaveners and heat reacting)
mmmmmmmm.
vanilla bean paste is great, because it has all those little dustlettes of real-real in it.
they taste the same, but they look cooler.
and ugly food is NOT invited to the makeout party, man.
i'll give you the recipe again,
with the current mods accounted for,
in case you're feeling ambitious,
and want to rock the socks off of any sock-wearing cake eaters in your area.
here it goes:
-
*
CAKE!!!
-
1 cup sugar + 2 T raw sugar;
1 stick  (8T ) vegan butters;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 1/2 tsp vanilla bean paste;
-creamed together in your mixer-
plus:
3/4 cup non-dairy yogurt,
whisked in until fluffyish and creamy-smooth.
and:
2 1/4 cups a.p. flour + 2-3 T organic cornstarch;
2 tsp bakey powder;
1 tsp bakey soda;
1/4 cup tapioca;
-
whisked for three minutes on high speed with
1 cup non-dairy milk + 1 T lemon juice.
^^^^^^^^^
expert.
spoon it out into a well-greased and floured pan, pans, or bowl, or whatever,
and bake it for at least 30 minutes, at 350F,
or until the centers are fully-cooked, and a tester comes out clean.
....that's standard cake stuff,
but the cake, as listed, is anything but standard.
it's F*ing exemplary.
-
this particular tasty piece has double-whipped better-than-evercreme frosting
in between and on top.
and strawberry-infused swirls,
AND freeze-dried crushed-strawberry dust-activated drizzle icing, as well.
uh-huh.
treats are better when they're pretty.
and two types of frosting aren't enough.
nope.
too much is the right amount,
so drizzles seemed like a necessity, not a luxury.
it's just a half a teaspoon of strawberry powder,
a few tablespoons of powdered sugar,
a drip of vanilla,
and a dash of lemon juice, enough to liquefy everything else.
a hole poked in a sandwich bag had it doing a great job of impersonating a pastry bag,
and those cross hatched stripes really turned the volume up on all the cakey flavors.
y'gotta hook up those exxxtras, kids.
that's how you take it to eleven.
over-the-top toppings are the TRUTH.
and truth-tellers can never stop.
***********
having the day OFF, tho.
that's different.
like,
what am i even gonna do?!?!
bake, obvi.
cook, most likely.
and maybe make some art?
ooooooh.
this could be the day that some new makey marks get made.
before any of that, though,
me and crabtree are already all ready and set-
and weather permitting,
we're going to roam and rove across fields and streams,
through woods and over rocks and all of that woodsly goodsly natural stuff,
to explore and adventure on either end of what would've been a weak-sauce workday,
but will instead be an expert active participatory team-building exercise
between an old fella and a good boy.
it's all really happening.
not the easter stuff, but definitely everything else;
never quiet, never soft.....

TRADITION!!!

every year,
on the 14th of april,
for my co-worker wayne's berfday,
i make a strawberry chee'cake.
yup.
rules is rules,
every year i do what i do-
louder, fresher, and harder...
and every year, that cake gets a little sexxxier.
for real.
this time around, i even went off on the two-tones two times.
uh-huh.
tell you what,
have a look, and tell me what you think:

STRAWBERRY CHEE'CAKE!!!!!!
wu-TANG, neighbors.
this right here is just about the finest one i've ever made.
taste-wise, it's a triumph.
in terms of texture, it hits all the right spots,
and as far as looks go?
it's one sexy mutha-'ucka.
hey!
mr. demille, you know what's up-
shoutouts to close-ups:

c'mon, dudes!
double layer chee',
double color frosting,
big red blops of berries on top,
and a crust so spot on, every last bite will excite and delight your F*ing face.
that's no joke.
i'm not afraid to get it poppin' in the creamchee' department, either.
nope.
one and a half tubs of that tofutti smoothness really make their presence felt.
here's the thing-
if you have access to the good stuff,
use it.
we're making treats, guys,
not health food.
so, and i'm just tossin' this out there, maybe y'gotta treat yo'self.
that's what i'm doing, anyway.
you want some of this/
ok.
here's how to make some of it:
-
*
TRADITION!
-
*crust:
1 1/2 pkg graham crackers;
1/2 cup whole rolled oats;
3 T sugar;
-crushed into coarse crumbles in a food processor-
and placed in a bowl, where it's mixed with:
3 T melted butters;
1 tsp vanilla;
3-6 T non-dairy milk,
stirred up until it stays together when squeezed.
form all that up in whatever pan you prefer,
and baked for 10 minutes at 350F, and cooled.
-
*for that cheeseless cakey filling,
first of all. keep the oven on,
and then, in that same food processor, combine:
1 block lite firm drained tofu;
1 1/2 tubs vegan creamcheese;
2 tsp vanilla;
1/2 tsp lemon extract;
2 T lemon juice;
3 T tapioca;
2 T arrowroot;
2 T cornstarch;
1/3 cup powdered sugar;
THIS IS IT!!!
i reserved half,
and in the remainder,
added 2-3 tsp powdered freeze-dried strawberries.
which were whipped up until all that hot pink power was fully activated.
(i always keep a supply of freeze dried jauns on hand.
they make all the freshest flavors,
without overly juicing-up and ruining all my creams and frostings.
expert.
pink on the bottom, white on top, evenly spread,
and baked for 30 minutes,
so that it set up, but stays soft and does not get gummy.
yeah!!
allow that all to cool....
i refrigerated mine overnight,
and hit it with the berry compote hottness magic deluxxxe.
uh-huh.
adding more berries is always better.
what?
how do you know when there's enough?
well,
too much is the right amount.
so don't stop until you get there.
-
*toppin':
two cups of sliced frozen berries;
3 T powdered sugar;
vanilla;
1 T lemon juice;
1 tsp lemon zest;
heated up on medium,
until the juices are deep.
that's key.
remove 'em, add 2 T cornstarch, slurry it, and pour it back into the pot.
now, y'know what you've got?
yup.
compote.
let it cool.
and spread that sh!t allllll over that luscious double-colored dual-flavor chee' boomfire.
WOOOOO! THIS STUFF IS SUPER-ELITE!!!!
-
now,
add frosting.
and no,
not just a lovely vanil'lemon one,
that's a good start, but it isn't enough.
no way.
do it right,
and add a whole other 'nother level to it-
do the strawberry powder-activated pink stuff, too.
***********
i LOVE a good vegan chee'cake.
i really do.
my most inconstant of partners suggested i attempt to make them,
before we got together...
that was four years ago,
and while she came and went,
and then came a little closer,
and then went even farther away,
your boy albie rock has still been doing the nice ever since.
you simply can't do LESS.
that's just not how it's done.
with or without you, i do what i do, dudes.
steadfast and enduring, the object is always MORE.
that's been lucky for wayne, i guess.
like i said,
he's been the recipient of one of these 'cakes on his berfday each year.
of course,
this one is probably the last one.
awwwwwww.
damn.
even fans of tradition have their limits it seems.
yep.
circumstances and allegiances and ambitions are pretty much going to
prevent the overlap of time and space from intersecting
across both of our respective orbits henceforth.
here's the thing-
i'm STILL going to have a crucial strawberry chee'cake,
every single year,
on the 14th of april.
uh-huh.
i do what i do, with or without you.
c'mon, guys-
i literally just told you that.
...
it's all really happening.
forward movement along tangential paths,
from a fixed point,
radiating outwards,
in increasing distances from one another.....
every parallel i've ever had always looks like it converges in the future.
but, that's not how parallels work....
and that's the meanest part about perspective, literal, and symbolically-
it's just the vanishing point playing tricks on you.
no matter how far you travel, no matter how far ahead you're looking,
the horizon stays the same distance away.....
it isn't eventual connection i see,
it's just an optimistical illusion.;
never quiet, never soft.....

THAI THURSDAY!!!

what?

it's bright out at 7 p.m.?

ok.

that's pretty good news.

that means a lot of things,

but most importantly to me,

it means that now, when i get home,

provided i've got a plan in place,

i can indulge in my one bright spot in the lightness of late day.

that's my favorite.

not feeling like a nocturnal cave dweller as i fix up something expert

in the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress test kitchen laboratory,

under the gigantic artificial daylight bulb above my head...

now,

as long as i'm home in a timely manner, 

pending on-schedule appointments,

and traffic permitting,

i'll be cooking in broad day.

that's that natural sh!t,

and that's the best kind.

dudes,

what happened last night, in the dusk's fading light?

well,

i alliterated incorrectly,

and made something hot and spicy for my face,

along the lines of thai thursday!!!

oh, c'mon, kids.

you like it.

sweet and sour and spicy noods?

you know i'm all about the spicy noods, bro.

that's real.

so,

i had a choice to make-

soak those nicey-nice ricey straps in hot water for twenty five minutes,

OR,

boil them for 4.

as if there was a choice.

i'm hungry right NOW, neighbors.

what's this half-an-hour-from-now bullsh!t all about?

it's about to be dismissed from the options is what it is.

word up.

i had heated, drained and rinsed noodles ready in under ten minutes.

and that had me eating all the hot fire so much faster, 

and out from under the lightbulbs, too.

y'wanna see what's up?

ok.

check the teleport:

COCONUT OIL IS MY HOMEBOY!

i had it sizzlin' away at rough chopped onion, 

sliced garlic slabs, carrot discs, celery wedges, and broccoli florets,

util all of that was ready for a crucial sauce.

i added my noodoo doo-doo to the mix, 

and drenched all of it in quick-thickening slurry of sweet, sour, 

hot sriracha and agave glazin' amazin'ness!!!

mmmhmmmm.

here's what that entailed:

-

 *

SRIRACHA SOUR SAUCE!!!

-

2 T srircaha;

2 T rice vinegar;

2 T agave;

2 T tamaru;

1 T chili-garlic paste

2 cloves crushed garlic;

1 tsp GPOP;

1/2 tsp ginger;

1/2 tsp ground coriander seed;

2 T mae-ploy bloppity glops. (it's sauce, boss. go get some)

1 T cornstarch-

whisk that all up, and when it hits the high heat?

instant subgum thickness, and total absorption into those noodles, too.

are they coconutty?

devilishly so,

hot?

pretty tangy, to say the least.

sweet?

agave don't play, baby.

and all those veggies,

and all those noodles were accompanied by green lettuces, 

and pea tendrils,

and F*ing microgreens! 

s'kyoot!

plus, those cooooooool crunchy cucumbers which always improve upon spicy stuff.

the without the bitter the sweet isn't as sweet,

and without the cool, the hot isn't as hot.

it's a study in textural and temperature contrasts, and it works.

but that's not all.

how could it be?

rules is rules, right?

right!

coconut-oil fried tofu wedges, exxxtra-crispy skinned, but so soft in the centers!

expert!

and those were dusted in sriracha flake sprankles!

jussssssst the babiest bit of hot fire, subtle, but present, 

on top of all that sexxxy soybean business.

mmmmmmmm.

is that it?

nope,

i toasted up some cashews in that oil, too.

and they were great.

but you could've guessed that, i'll bet.

yup.

all that was left was to put some refreshing cilantro sprig sprankles on top.

word up.

....and check that lighting!

s'nice!

*

the thing about cooking all the time?

you just DO it.

there's not a lot of thought about process.

you want food, you make food.

that's all.

so, recounting the process is harder than you might imagine.

i hope maybe somebody out there is using this sh!t as a guideline,

or inspiration, or something other than entertainment.

of course,

if entertainment is what this offers, 

i'm actually pretty much ok with that too.

we don't get to pick how we're interpreted.

that's why we always show greater appreciation for the ones 

who get us in the ways we want to be gotten.

there's facets on our facets,

and prisms of personality refracting and reflecting 

and kaleidoscopically reverberating in every damned direction.

so, 

shoutouts to the folks who cook this stuff.

and shoutouts to the people who appreciate wordplay.

and also, shouts-to-the-outs for all those dudes 

who enjoy the interjections of honest real life....

but, 

no-fives to all the spectators who only look at the pictures.

you guys are jerks.

everybody else?

thanks for reading.

hope there's something in it for you;

never quiet, never soft.....