MEXICAN MONDAY!

i'm behind the times.
mexican monday was two days ago,
and i'm just now getting around to telling you all the things you already know-
like:
tacos are dope.
soft flour tortillas are the best, and therefore the only aceptable ones.
ho'sauce is your friend.
homemade seitan is expert.
and too much is the right amount.
uh-huh.
you already know.
i just said that.
but,
when you combine all the stuff,
and you set it up properly,
you still get all the hottness for your face,
and even if you knew it was coming atcha,
you can't help but get psyched about it anyway.
check the teleport:

experté TACOS EXXXPLOSIVO!!!
dudes,
seitan with onions, poblano strips, and orange sweet baby bell pepper rings-
activated with oregano, cumin, coriander, GPOP, nootch, smoked paprika, cayenne,
black pepper, and finished with scallion and cilantro?
softened and seasoned with a heavy handed squeeze of fresh lime?
WORD.
lemme ask y'all:
are you the type of person who tosses spices together with reckless abandon?
are you unlikely to measure with precision, preferring to let the force guide you?
do you eff with ingredients on the fly, in media res, just because it feels right?
...me too!!
i can't remember the last time i regulated my taco experience in any manner whatsoever.
i had four tortillas, so i made four tacos.
i had jasmine rice and turmeric and peppers of both the hot and sweet varieties,
so i made arroz amarillo.
c'mon, man, it's not science, it's rudimentary food creation.
it's like this:
what do you have?
what does that make?
....make that
right?
riiiiiiight!
and yellow rice, with red onion, and cilantro, spices, and salt is good stuff.
again,
there's a recipe somewhere,
but i'm out here on some shake-and-tap add-ins,
which seem to work out great when it's suppertime at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
-
my full-time dinnerguest, kayla, loooooves black beans.
which means that when it's time to pick what kind of beans,
we're not ever really picking anymore....
but, i don't live by frijoles alone, neighbors-
i added white corn, and red onion, and jalapeno, and ho-ho-ho'sauce,
plus chipotle pepper powder, and a few exxxtra spices,
just to be sure i wasn't getting stuck in the rut worn out by black bean doldrums.
nice.
-
radishes are crisp and spicy. i like that.
tomatoes are soft and juicy. i like that too.
cucumbers and crawnchy and cool. that's pretty likable.
jalapenos are front-of-your-face bright and spicy. me gusta.
lime-wilted purple carrots and cabbage are tart and firm and toothsome. i like, i like.
and that cashew-tofu-garlic crema drizzled on top?
I LIKE THAT SH!T, TOO.
friends,
i don't put stuff i don't like on my tacos.
that's dumb, and only a stoopidhead would do that to themselves.
...that ain't me, bro.
a few pea shoots, green onion, AND cilantro leaf sprankles for the win?
OBviously.
i don't want weak-A* flimsy skinny sucktarded tacos.
i want glorious and victorious gargantuan fan-tasty fold-overs from the future.
so that's what i make.
i guess i'm belatedly bragging about how good my monday night repast was, huh?
i can accept that.
i hope y'all were at least as involved in any taco tuesday festivities yesterday.
if not, there's always world-cuisine wednesday to make up for lost time.
*
and speaking of lost time-
there are only two days until my sweet 16/X-mas sojourn to the center
of southern new england commences.
fortunately/unfortunately,
it's likely to be less than 24 hours of bloodline bloodletting before i'm back home
up in the woodsly goodness, tending to my terrier.
yup.
the christmas spirit doesn't extend to my one and only non-stop companion,
and as such,
his demanding daily routine needs constant maintainance,
with or without the calendar designating this weekend as a holiday epicenter
of intensive family overlapping.
or, as we affectionately call it where i'm from:
the random short-fuse terror attack gauntlet.
instead of getting caught in the crosshairs,
i'm roundtrippin' in world-record time,
back and forth from here to here, with a tiny bit of there in between,
which is to say my kid's sixteenth berfday party-time cake and candles fun-festival.
yup.
and the, quick as you like,
me and my damned dumb deaf dog reunite for the big days,
and who knows?
maybe we will eat christmas mornin' oatmeal in our jammies,
before we take a long walk (just like we always do)
to exercise our legs and occupy our minds,
prior to an unappreciated look inside his stocking.
(he's got a few presents in there, for sure)
on the real,
i'm his whole family,
and that means i'm 100% of his support system.
therefore,
i'm on self-destructive shark-bullet supervision duty,
because rules is rules,
and when you've got a special dog, with special needs,
and intricate requirements of routine and reaction,
you do the right thing,
which in this case is to fulfill your obligation to the least-independent link in your chain,
and essentially eat the metaphorical sh!t that attaches itself to the decision.
it's a dirty dog's life, dudes-
crabtree carries on, blissfully unaware of what day it is,
and i drive back and forth and back and forth and back again,
for a sort of IX-X-XImas countdown to blastoff.
there will be maple and harvest time,
and then there will be harvest and maple time,
but what there won't be is enough time.
however,
i'm grateful for what i get,
because some is a lot more than NONE.
heck,
i'm even grateful for my little bull-headed bull-in-a-china-shop-terrier, too.
he may be a speedbump in this holiday season,
but he's also my every freakin' day and night homeboy on non-holidays,
which just so happen to comprise the majority of the year, btw.
essentially,
this is the first time in ages that i'm having two distinct holiday moments,
one warrior poetic one;
and then one louder, and fresher, with the kids.
it's all really happening,
and i s'pose that's just going to have do;
never quiet, never soft.....

THE UPSIDE!

upside-down, man.
what?
no!
it's not in any way related to 'stranger things'.
c'mon.
i'm talking about the upside-down pear cake i baked the other day.
that's what's up, neighbors.
bottoms up, tops down, pears, spices, and happiness, in cakey crumb form.
what do you think about that?
yeah.
i know...it IS delightful.
wanna see?
ok:

F*ING PEARS, BRO!!!
who knew a few slightly-overripe, exxxtra-juicy red pears could bring the noise so loud?!
you like that circle-slice-overlap sh!t?
me too!!
pears are rad because the whole interior is basically soft and edible,
so you can just ninja-chop the whole thing, and leave the skin on and everything.
that's where i started.
a 9" springform pan, a pair of pears, and an oven preheated to 350℉,
on the convection setting,
which might just be my most favorite air-circulation situation.
from there, it goes a little something like this:
-
*
GINGER PEAR CAKE!
-
in a medium mixing bowl, cream up:
1 stick (8T) vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 cup raw sugar;
2 tsp powdered ginger;
1 tsp cinnamon;
1 peeled pear.
-get that good and mushy, then hit it with the dry stuff:
2 1/2 cups flour;
2 tsp bakey powder;
1 tsp bakey soda;
4 T tapioca flour;
then, whisk in the wetness:
1/2 cup vanilla unsweetened almondmilk;
1 tsp vanilla.
^^^fold it into a thick-A* batter,
and press it into the pan, being careful not to eff up the pear-bottom presentation.
bake it for 35-40 minutes, until it gets cracks, and browns on the top (bottom)
the steamy juice from the pears will try to trick you,
but you mustn't let it, kids.
bake it longer than you think you should so the juices won't mush the middle.
that's real talk.
oh, right, and i did hit the top with a few raw sugar sprankles,
which sort of dissolved a bit,
AND a dusty dustin' of cinnamon....
i mean,
you know the rules by now:
too much is the right amount.
mmmhmmmm.
for just being a straight-forward cake,
it's dense but moist,
it's firm but so soft,
it's spicy but not cloying.....
essentially,
it's another surprise expert exxxplosion from me to you,
brewed up in my little brainy brain-brain,
from cravings to creation, in one straightforward full-steam-ahead shot.
...and that's pretty tight.
***********
time time got the time tick tick tickin' in my head....
y'know?
no?
oh. well sorry for being old and referencing anthrax songs.
but, for real, though.
where the heck does it go?
i'm running out of it,
and i'm running around while it all really happens.
it's tough.
and the second hand is speeding up and spinning away,
so that my firsthand account of this secondhand span of seconds
seems a little diluted and diffused for how long ago it feels....
do you know what i mean?
i got grind dates to make,
and i'm getting ground down instead.
holidays sure are fun, huh?
yikes;
never quiet, never soft.....

PIZZA PARTY!!!!

out of nowhere, my homeboy nate suggests pizza.
and upon hearing the idea, my girl kayla seconds it.
now, it's becoming a thing so it goes to the office of the supreme chancellor
of the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress, which is to say, me,
wherein i approve the motion.
which puts things into motion,
and then moves get made,
so that before the day is done,
me and my peoples are feasting on a perfect trifecta of apizza!!!!
YEAH!!
dudes,
y'either F* with pizza, of you F* Right Off.
that's it.
there's no room for in-betweens.
luckily,
when y'boi is F*ing with that pee eye zee zee ayy,
i'm on some other other sh!t-
like some universal-attunement-type jauns-
and the pizzas that emerge from the trance are like a triple-tag-team of world champions
showing you how things are supposed to be when you care about what you do-
actually, i care a LOT about pizza.
i mean, c'mon.
what do you think i am? some kind of diaper-A* doo-doo baby?
nope.
i'm a pizza aficionado, and i can't hang out with wimpy pizzas.
did i make up a quick batch of cashew-garlic-tofu chee'?
obviously i did,
because underchee' is something that all the real muthas know to be necessary.
rules is rules,
and a white pie wouldn't be worth a poop-crinkle without it, man.
recognize.
*
ok, so i made three, and all of them were very different,
but,
all of them were very expert.
that's real.
check the teleport:

M(WH)EAT-A-BALLS!!!!!
guys, who made miniballs the other day?
yuuuuuup.
and pizza night called for a burly preheat bake-up,
complete with chunky marinara marinade.
i rep a 485℉ convection situation for pizza, on a hearthstone.
and i'll fire in a pan of 'balls while it heats up, to get things started off on the right foot.
the m(wh)eatball  and the sauce recipes are >> here <<.
but, with daiya mozz (always minced for maxxximum meltiness),
and caramelized onions, plus a little nootch,
fried garlic sprankles (of course),
and a little parsley/scallion blend to activate the level-eleven sexxxiness for your eyes,
this one was a BANGER!!!
really, it had a very rich, comforting italian food flavor,
and it sort of surpassed pizza, and evolved into more of a circular open-faced
meatball parm sub or something....
neat.
-
y'know how good bread makes better people, right?
well, that's true for pizza, too, dude.
it can't suck, or you're fired.
so, y'gotta make it count, right?
damned straight.
here's what i've been on about lately:
-
*
PIZZA DOUGH!
-
in your heroic and celebrated stand mixer, combine:
2 cups flour;
2 tsp salt;
2 tsp sugar;
3 T olive oil;
1 cup semolina flour;
1 pkg fast-actin' yeast;
1 cup warm water, with 1 tsp agave, and 1 tsp bread-machine yeast, bloomed.
-
that's it.
knead it up for 8 minutes, let it rise, covered, for thirty minutes,
punch it down, re-cover the bowl, and refrigerate it until later, man.
i let it cold proof all day, sometimes,i even let it go overnight.
it develops all the bigger flavors that way.
try it, you'll see.
anyway,
i cut it into thirds, as evenly as possible, and grandma pan it in my oven.
yes, i have a stone in there, but, alas, it has more cracks than a wadi,
and that can be a sticky situation for your pizzas.
be careful, or use a pan, or don't do either-
i'm not the boss of you, buddy.
*
moving on,
lemme tell y'all one thing about the white pie, with that custom underchee'?
impossibly good.
for realsies.
check it:

POTATOES! BRUSSIES! 'RONIS!!!
OH MYYYYYYY!!!!!
caramelized onions are the dream date for pizza.
they're just so flippin' righteous on top.
and that red lentil seitan sausage, pepperonified, is the way to go.
here's how that happens >> PEPPERONI <<!
a little braisin' on those brussels, with a splash of wisely-reserved seitan broth,
lidded for three minutes, and then glazed with a gentle splash of soy sauce
makes for a umami-mommy of a brassica bud, buds.
wu-TANG.
and the daiya is diced so nice, because that's just good pizza practice.
that underchee'? always a hit.
how do you doo-doo that freaky sh!t on your own?
like >> THIS <<.
you're very welcome.
friends, potatoes, however, never cease to surprise the sh!t out of me on pizza.
you'd think i'd have learned by now that they're the life of the party.
and they are SO lively on top.
i roasted these on parchment, with olive oil and pink salt, while the oven was preheating,
and they turned the most glorious golden brown with perfect blackened bubble-ups
all over their starchy surface area....
what kind of spuds?
mini red potatoes, sliced into 1/4" thick rounds. 
DAS IT.
fried garlic spranks, and a little bit of the garnish,
and just like that, we time-traveled into a sublime state of pizza bliss.
in fact, we were all too busy chewing to sing ample praises for this beauty.
*
last, but by no means least, there's a true banger for these streets:

BUFFFFFFFZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!
whatch'all know about furious expertism unbridled?
well, you're about to learn. man.
-
*
BUFF'D SEITAN & CAULIS
-
that's 3 T butterish in a medkium fry pan, with:
1 1/4 cup sliced homemade seitan;
2 cups cauliflower;
GPOP, black pepper, nootch;
2 T sriracha;
2 T vegan mayo (to emulsify the SAUCE);
1/2 cup red hot louisiana cayenne pepper sauce.
seared and slathered, and cooked up until the liquid is mostly absorbed...
-
that goes on top of a handful of minced daiya cheddar shreds.
then, in among the forest of florets and strips,
there are blops of the homemade chee'......
and when it emerged from the oven?
daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn.
red onion sprankles.
cilantro sprankles.
green onion sprankles.
AND a custom thinned-out (with almond milk) chee' drizzle SAUCE!!!
kaBOOM.
that's regal majesty for your eyes, guys.
*
only one pie with red sauce, and that a fancy chunky marinara from the vaults?
yep.
white pie is tight.
buffzies are tight.
tempeh balls are tight.
there's no defining dogma when it comes to keeping it real with some
virtuously veritable victual victory.
baked bread plates with stuff on 'em.
that's all you need to do. 
***********
ANYbody can order a pizza.
but, to create a feast for yourself and your friends,
from scratch,
at home,
like a mutha-F*ing warlord of worthy warrior poetry,
it takes a little forethought,
a decent presence of mind,
and conscious desire to one-up, grandstand, showboat, and big-time
all the other other options that could've been explored.
i'm that one.
the sunovagun who needs to make something special,
even when it's just pizza,
because honestly,
it's never just pizza.
it's a demonstration of mightiness in even the most humble places.
don't be a weak-sauce lil b!hhhhh.
make some pizza, but make it good,
and you'll be headed towards greatness,
one slice out of one circle of semolina success at a time;
never quiet, never soft.....

TURN-UP-OVERS!

i dunno, dudes,
i wasn't ever a pop tart person.
nope.
i'm not sure we even had them at home when i was a kid.
they just seemed so budget, y'know?
however,
my homegirl said something about pop tarts,
and i did my best not to make an extra-judgy 'this-is-a-red-flag' face.
i mean, i do what i can to give 'em what they want,
without waiting for something in return....
but, i'll confess i was NOT about to go full pop tart on my morning, neighbors.
no way.
not even for a lady.
why not?
i'll tell you why not: because t.w.p.p.d.
y'feel me?
yeah.
so, i opted for a hybrid version of the vision, man-
jam-filled turnovery toastery strudelish pastry triangles, for your face.
check the teleport:

TURN IT UP, AND GET TILTY AF!
oatmeal pastry?
yes.
yes as hard as you can yes, in fact.
heartier and possibly healthier than usual,
with all the buttery crispy crackle you could hope for....
and that jam?
well, maybe it's not exactly a jam....
but it's my jam, either way.
guys,
i wasn't sure about these going in.
on the wa out, though, i realized i'd gone ferociously hard on that
no-chew bite-and-swallow shark gluttony angle.
mmhmm.
i made one and a half dozen, and i ate a dozen by myself.
i guess i liked 'em.
you wanna get TILTY on some tri-over-turn-angles?
i'm happy to hear it, and i'm even happier to be of some help:
-
*
OATEN PASTRY HOTTNESS!
-
in your meticulously-maintained food processor, pulse together:
10 T very cold vegan butter;
3 T vegan creamchee';
3 T sugar;
2 cups flour;
1/4 tsp salt;
1 tsp vanilla;
1/2 cup rolled oats;
3-6 T non-dairy milk, 1 T at a time, depending on how well it all combines.
hit it with the raw power of the professional 'cessor,
and when it clumps up when pinched, in between pulses, it's ready to get turnt out...
onto a portion of plastic wrap, to be pressed and protected
whilst it chills in the refrigerator for at least an hour (or a whole damned day, in my case)
*
ok,
now fast forward into the future, somewhere between 1-24 hours from now.
-
preheat your oven to 420℉.
-
while that preheats,
get a smaller  sauce pot out, get it going on medium low heat, to make:
-
*
TRIPLE-BERRY COMPOTE DELUXXXE!
-
into that pot, you've gotta add:
1/2 cup bloobs;
1/2 cup strawbs;
1/2 cup raspies;
1/2 tsp vanilla;
1/2 cup powdered sugar;
1 T lemon juice;
-
that'll defrost into sauce, but that won't be enough.
nope.
you don't want super wetness inside your pocket, bro.
c'mon.
you know better than that.
drain the juice, slurry it with 1-2 tablespoons of organic non-GMO cornstarch,
and add it back in, with the heat brought up to medium-high.
that'll thicken quickly, and you'll see how expert it's gonna be as filling just by lookin'.
mmmhmmm.
i chilled mine with all haste in the 4℉ front porch. (that's -15.5℃)
*
now, back to that dough, yo....
on a well floured surface, roll your cold dough to 1/4" thickness,
and fold it on itself 4 times.
that's key to luscious layers in the bake up, buddy.
next, while it's still cold,
roll it out into a thing rectangle,
and trim out 4" squares.
reroll the rest until you've used up your dough, and your counter is full of squares.
scoop a spoonful of that tripleberry delight into the center of each,
and pinch the slightly-moistened edges together, to make little pouches.
awwwwwww, s'kyoot!
alright,
now, with a splash of non-dairy milk (the sweetened kind) brush the tops,
and then hit 'em with the big crystal sugar sprankles.
wordimus.
do it, for sure, because that's the ONLY way you're doing it right.
seriously, rules is rules.
-
arrange them with room to grow, and be aware that parchment is your friend,
because jammie-jam wants to bubble and ooze, as well as burst from the seams.
let it do it's thing, kids.
sloppy rims are basically essential to this treat.
ha!
-
bake 'em for 20-25 minutes, of your preferred level of golden sexxxiness,
and let 'em rest for a second, or you'll melt your face on molten jam,
and steam burn your tongue while you're at it.
so be careful, but definitely eat at least one still warm.
they don't get worse when they're cool, but cripsy pastry fresh out of the forge?
that's elite.
i'd make these again, and that's the truth.
***********
collateral christmas times.
as in:
extended family and friends gift giving overlap time-crush holiday vibes.
do you know about those?
you do?
could you explain it to me, then?
as usual, my spirit and memory are limited to those most intimately connected,
and physically proximal to my actual human corporeal form.
i've always envied those folks who have an extended holiday buying list.
y'know?
not because i wish i was out buying more sh!t for more people,
(although, too much IS the right amount)
rather,
i wish i wasn't so preoccupied with everything else that i noticed and acquired
those perfect little somethings for the few people who really and truly are of use to me.
what?
that's right.
i said 'of use'.
i don't invest time into those who aren't useful.
why would you?
seriously.
i should make a mad scramble to pick up a little somethin' for my peoples.
i mean,
i don't have that many, anyway.
time (and money) have gotten pretty tight right about now,
but still,
this is the season for gratitude and generosity.
i'll figure it out, because i expect more of myself,
and i should be doing more.
that's the whole objective of every day, anyway,
especially one that goes to eleven.
some people have that kind of time on their hands,
but i need to make it out from stolen moments,
and that isn't as easy as it sounds;
never quiet, never soft.....

FRENCH TOAST!!!

french toast.
y'know?
yeah.
homemade everything.
from-scratch mastery.
big ol' burly sustenance and succor to combat the draining drudgery
of miserably monotonous mountain weather,
fresh off the griddle and warming up my whole soul,
or something similar, internally, or thereabouts.
WORDIMUS PRIME!
that's a custom-blended perfectly seasoned batter,
soaked into thick, crusty slabs of homemade white mountain sourdough,
fried up and covered in blueberry maple compote,
and turned up and off the 1-10 chart, to 11, with fresh sliced banana,
and whipped mutha-b!tchin' cream.
y'know what i'm talking about?!
yeah!!!
i'm talking about the big B,
and that's the stuff that universal daydreamscape vision quests are made of.
i mean it.
check the teleport:

YEAH, BOI, YOU KNOW I GOT THOSE HOMEBOYFRIES,
AND THAT POPEYE SCRAMBO POPPIN' OFF AS WELL,
BECAUSE I'M NOT SOME LITTLE WIMPLETON BABY!!
hahahahaha.
yes.
*
ok,
so, let's start with those homeboys.
that's your oven, preheating to 415℉,
with a panful of skin-on mini red new potatoes, quartered,
tossed in a tablespoon of olive oil, with pink salt, black peps, and GPOP,
to roast in time with the rising heat.
when the oven hits it's target, the spudlettes are done, bro.
tight.
a few tablespoons of minced onion, a hard shake of smoked paprika,
some oil, or vegan butter, as you prefer,
all according to your desired level of greasy crispness,
and a few green onion sprankles to keep it real at the end.
BAM, and just as simply as that. you're living a more expert life.
*
next up?
that scrambo, yo:
super-exxtra-firm tofu, a tablespoon of minced onion,
a few tablespoons of olive oil,
salt, black pepper, heavy on the turmeric.easy on the smokey paprika,
healthy shake-ups of Garlic Powder and Onion Powder, a dash of nootch....
a little bit of heat, for as long as it takes to cook it through,
and remove most of the wetness, and then a few BIG handfuls of spinach,
and a spoonful or two of hemp hearts to magnify all the protein-powered nutrients an' that.
legit, if you've got two hands, and a pan, you can kick off some crucial scrams
with almost no majorly-taxing effort whatsoever.
i think that means it's mandatory to have it whenever you'd like to.
i'd like to have it all the time.......and i do!
*
dudes!
the frenchie toasties were impossibly good.
better than ever,
and they're usually kind of the best already.
that's a tall order to top, but we did it!
the batter was perfect, and the bread was exxxactly stiffened up enough to soak it all in
like a thirsty cactus on the one rainy afternoon it's likely to see for a long while.
mmmmmmmm.
the white mountain sourdough situation is only improving with time.
that's for serious.
the cultures on my counter are flourishing, and nourishing my needs with imprecise
effective excellence that only gets better with every loaf.
i love that.
and a series of savage slices, sopping in french-kissable SAUCE?
c'mon,
you like that almost as much as i do, don'tcha?
here's the latest french mix-up:
-
* 
BATTER UP!
-
in a small mixing bowl, whisk together:
1 cup almond milk;
1 T chick pea flour;
1 T nootch;
salt;
2 T sugar;
1 T egg replacer starch powder;
2 T ground flax/chia blend;
1 tsp vanilla;
cinnamon, nutmeg, and GINGER!
rest it, let the starches and binders bloom and expand,
and then toss all your bread up in there and let it absorb that gooey goodness.
i fry mine in a huge skillet, with vegan butter,
on medium-high heat, really letting it get good and brown, for minimal flips,
and maximum crisped-crepe-crust.
that's right.
we made five fat slices, and every last one of them was perfect.
it's all luck, and a little practice,
and a tiny bit of benevolence on a wanton whim from the universe.
i'll take what i can get, bro.
and i can get pretty into a good batch of french toast.
...
and what about that maple syrup and blueberry SAUCE?!?!
well, i'll tell you all about it;
it's a cup of frozen bloobs, heated up and thinned out with a splash of lemon,
a few drops of vanilla, and a glug of three of real maple syrup.
let me also add this:
it's F*ing amazing.
coupled with the bananas and the whippy creme?
it goes to eleven,
but then, it goes to eleven, again.
daaaaaaaaaaamn, but that's a tasty morsel.
***********
i'm falling behind.
i mean,
on this blog.
in real life, nothing actually happens if i write about today's foodstuffs
any later than right now.
in fact, nothing actually happens when i DO catch up, either.
and that's sort of the good news.
the thing is: i hate missing time, and lagging behind,
and feeling like i've got this obligation hanging over me like a storm cloud...
that's sort of the self-imposed bad news.
i'm the type of fella that feels like doing and less than everything
is the same as being a nasty, lame, lazy, equivocal piece of sh!t.
...and that's not very cool, is it?
so,
i'm struggling to write the words that feel the most true,
in the time between putting cakes in, and taking cakes out, of the oven.
it takes longer to compose this than you'd think.
and that's the saddest thing i've written in weeks.
all this blathering takes time, kids.
and that's what's running out at an alarming rate
i've got all the words, but none of the minutes;
never quiet, never soft.....

DIRTY WAFFLES!!

when it's time to do chik'n 'n' waffles-
which, admittedly isn't all that often...
but, when the time does comes 'round the outside like a buffalo girl,
and the urge has been seeded, and sprouted,
and has taken on a life of it's own-
a raging rampaging savage stormswept singularly-purposeful urging life, actually;
which cannot, will not, and honestly should not ever be deterred
from reaching it's omega-level potential...
well, once THAT sort of thing gets started,
you'd better believe i'm gonna get ON it, get after it, get with it, and get it IN, neighbors.
yup.
what choice do i have?
haven't you seen jurassic park?
life finds a way, guys,
admittedly, that's a weird way to look at the notion of making chik'n 'n' waffles,
but, i mean,
c'mon,
don't be ordinary, and don't be boring.
we get a choice in this moment, kids-
are we mincey, minky, stinky stale d!ckturds,
or are we barbarian battle-bards creating sagas out of grains and greens?
i know which side of the line I'M on, i just hope you're standing next to me on this journey.
so, what is it we're on about?
oh, right.
because it's NOT chicken.
it's country-fried seitan.
but, it's also savory cornbread waffles;
and it's thick, rich, slippery homemade mutha-effing gravy;
and there's fried-garlic-activated greens beneath,
and caramelized onions above,
as well as parsley sprankles to let you know this sht is not some little kids' game...
don't you come at me with a frozen toaster waffle and some gardein, bro.
i'm on the homemade from-scratch boomfire-inspired hottness over here.
i know, i know, for some of you, that's a LOT to handle,
but that's just the way we like it here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
word up.
standard operations require we create the best meal to the best of our ability.
i'm sayin', why would you subject yourself to the weak sauce when there's
so much superior sustenance waiting for you to create it with your own two capable claws?
that's real talk.
also, it's real F*ing expert.
see for yourself, by checking the teleport:

YOU AIN'T READY, SON!
no, for realsies, you better brace yourself,
because there's a close-up comin' correct on the come-up, kid:

kaBOOOOOOOM!!!!!!!!
that's that sexxxy-sexxx.
my man travis, a.k.a @vegan_magic_time made a batch of this,
and it reminded me that i was past due for a dose of this dirty dirtiness myself.
mmmmmhmmmmm.
we do it a bit differently, but the feeling is the same.
y'ever mess around with fried garlic and oil?
no?
that's weird as heck, man, seriously.
here's the thing- greens are great, but garlic-activated greens are the best!
honestly, it's hot olive oil, and a heap of crushed garlic, toasted a bit,
tossed with a big ol' bushel of deep-green leafies (in this instance baby kale),
wilted with just a spoonful of water, or broth, and a dash of salt.
do it. it'll make you a better person.
and that gravy?
gravy is essential to this dish.
i guess traditionally, chicken and waffles are two separate plates?
like, a leg of fried dead chicken,
and a plate with a waffle with (probably not real maple) syrup.
ummmm, that's lame.
THIS sh!t right here though, is genius.
and that's a line delivered without a hint of hubris, friends.
gravy is pretty easy, too-
-
*
EASY HOMEMADE VEGAN GRAVY!
-
in a small sauce pot,
toast up 4 T flour, and 3 T vegan (earth balance) butter.
brown it a bit, but don't burn it.
congrats, that's a roux.
you can save it, OR you can be cool, and make gravy with it right now.
you're cool?
cool.
add:
2 cups vegetable broth,
a punch of nutritional yeast, a shake of GPOP,
and stir it on highish heat until it's hella thick, and doubly awesome.
-
gravy makes you smarter, probably.
so, like, be smart.
***********
the seitan?
well, since we've covered the recipe a billion times in the past, i'll say this:
it's right here.
ok?
ok.
now, crush up a big handful of cornflakes,
and toss 'em in with a scoop of cornstarch,
a dash of  cayenne,
a lotta craxxx of black pepper,
a little bitty bit of salt,
a tablespoon of flour, GPOP, nootch, sage, smoked paprika, and a lil' pinch of parsley.
you can do that, because it's so easy, ANYbody can do it;
and you're not just anybody,
you're the big body making sexxxy seitan for yourself.
that's something.
this'll coat at least seven slabs of whole-steak seitan, with a bit left over,
but MORE is better than less, forever.
next step?
fry those baddies up in a pat of buttery butts, and maybe add a little oil after you flip 'em once.
how long? how high of heat? man, i dunno.
until they're crispy.
until they're golden.
before they burn.
not so low that they soak up all the grease.
dudes,
i'm counting on YOU to know your stove, and cater to your own preferences.
this is very simply a skeleton for you to flesh out.
i believe in you.
***********
hey-yo-
those waffles are some kind of hottness, though.
on the ones, if you have not had a savory succulent crisp-rimmed cornbread waffle,
you may be about to lose your whole entire mind as the truths of waffle potential
are revealed unto you in an explosion of life-changing horizon-widening expertism.
that's no joke.
-
*
CORNBREAD WAFFLES!!!
-
heat up your waffle iron, buddy.
-
in a mixing bowl, sift together:
1 cup flour;
1/2 cup cornmeal;
2 T coarse corn grits (a.k.a uncooked polenta);
salt;
black pepper, cayenne, sage, thyme, GPOP, nootch;
3 T melted non-dairy butter or oil;
3 T vegan sour cream (optional, but so awesome);
1 cup non-dairy milk.
whisk it, rest it, and waffle it, man.
they get pretty crispy, which is great,
and they are very flippin' hearty, which is even greater.
you haven't lived until you've freaked it off like this, friends.
y'ever caramelize an onion?
mmmmmm.
they're super delicious, right?
well, just wait until you combine that with the toothsome texture of those waffles,
and the juicy-interior and crunchy-crisp hottness of that seitan,
mixed on your fork with a few leaves of that garlicky kale,
all smothered in rich, rewardingly righteous graaaaaaaaaaaaaaavy!!!
that's so much food, and so many complimentary flavors,
and an overwhelming onslaught of super-fattening hapening right inside your head,
and bellyhole....
making it's way to b-hole, eventually,
stopping off to expand your waistline into a corpulent wastelands while en route.
hahahahhaa.
yep.
too much is the right amount,
but it carries a heavy pricetag when you're taking down a couple waffles,
and a trio of seitanic chix, and a heap of everything else as well.
don't worry.
it's worth it.
i promise.
as soon as you take the first bite,
you'll order a pair of bigger pants,
and the problem will have solved itself.
*
negative fahrenheit degrees.
every damned day i wake up to less than no degrees.
for the record:
too little is the wrong amount.
and that's probably why i'm trying to fatten up.
when it's that cold outside,
the oldness and the bustedness and the draftiness of my dilapidated domain
really seem to be in the spotlight.
yeah.
it's cold INside, which is not my favorite.
this year feels frostier than the past few before it,
and i'm wondering if the secret  universal plan isn't maybe toughening me up
for some even bigger, badder, calamitous trial in the future?
do you believe that some people are just designed to endure, rather than flourish?
do you think that good fortune really is wasted on good storytellers?
would you like to at least let me try to tell a good story about good tidings?
no
just more about food and how to make it?
fair enough.
i'll just shiver my timbers, bundle up in another 'nother layer of fleece-lined insulation,
and snap off one of my blackened frostbitten toes,
to use as a stirrer, while i whip up a pot of something or other for your enjoyment...
this is it.
it's all really happening.
reverse pyrolysis to an extent that defies all the hot fire coming out of my kitchen.
i'm enduring, i'm continuing,
but, considering there's no more waffles,
i'm NOT enjoying myself;
never quiet, never soft.....

SMOOOOOOOTH!

oh, man!
so,
it's been colder than usual.
that's real.
and crabtree, the dog, has been a true dramatic diaper baby about it.
yup.
whenever the temperature drops below freezing, he starts to get a little whinier,
and walk a little more stubbornly, and slowly, through the trudged trenches i trod,
to give him less of a snowy body at the expense of my feet and legs.
kicking feet of snow, for hundreds of yards, in a path-making effort
to protect your chilly little dumb dog feels terrible, even if it's kind of a nice gesture....
i mean, he certainly doesn't appreciate it, but he's an even bigger baby without a path.
uh-huh.
so, every morning, i have a sweaty-as-heck despite the actual temperature
being completely frigidly arctic,
as i drag sixty-something pounds of reluctant powerhouse terrier protestation
through the valleys, and over the hills, just so he ca stretch his legs,
and poop out a froyo snow-cone somewhere in a distant, but-nearby snowbank.
it's glamorous, i know.it's also how real life works.
-
i have a dog.
he is a jerk, mostly.
we are the same.
i don't give up, neither does he, we are at odds forever.
-
that's how it goes, bros.
lucky for us, there's always treats to salve the wounds inflicted circumstance.
purpose is greater than responsibility.
i mean it.
i have a purpose, and i have responsibilities.
i'll bet you can guess which one is more rewarding
mmmhmmm.
my purpose is to make elite treats.
and i'm a purposeful worker, working with purpose, on purpose.
to that end, lemme ask you:
y'ever eat something so freakin' good that nothing else matters much while it's around?
like, i know there's a nother 'nother couple 2-3 slices' worth of creme pie in the fridge,
and the single digit temperatures (in fahrenheit) and the cranky peepants dog,
and the dearth of dope tattbombs on the docket,
AND the still-dark-out deliveries i've gotta drop off,
AND the XI-mas mayhem i've yet to determine
ALLLLL DON'T MATTER AS MUCH AS HOW DELICIOUS THIS PIE IS.
that's real talk.
and this is what i'm speakin' on:

CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE!!!!
woooooooord!!
dudes, this is IT.
graham crackery cocoa and cacao crOmble crust!
deep cocoa-ground chocolate frosting!
smooooooooth chocolate creme!!!
cacao nib and snowflake sprankles!!!
too much is the right amount.
heck yes.
all you've gotta do to have this for yourself is follow a few simple steps.
would you like to know what they are?
you would?!
ok.
do it like THIS:
-
*
CHOCOCREME PIEEEEE!!
-
*the crucial crumb crust*
in your trusty food processor, combine:
1 1/2 pkgs graham crackers;
2 T sugar;
2 T cacao nibs;
3 T cocoa powder.
if you don't have a food processor, then step one is actually: get a food processor.
pulse all that until it's all crushed with no big bits, and transfer it to a mixing bowl-
next, in a very small pot, melt 3 T vegan butter.
add the butter, and 2-4 T non-dairy milk to the cracker mix, and smoosh it all around
until it holds together when pressed.......then press it into a pie pan,
and bake it, at 350℉ for 11 minutes...
ummmm,
yeah.
now you're definitely going to need something expert to put in there.
-
*the sublime filling*
in a small sauce pot, on low heat, melt:
1 tsp vanilla;
10 oz vegan chocolate chips;
3 T soymilk;
stir and melt 'em up, and add the whole mass to your food processor.
-
anyway, combined with 2 T tapioca;
and 1 T non-GMO organic cornstarch;
and 1 12oz block  pressed silken tofu,
you're in business.
blend everything up until it's super-creamy.
scrape the sides if you must, but get every last drop of that gooey goodness involved.
when that's all blended up, and uniformly brown and awesome,
spoon it into the crust, and let it chilllllllll out for a few hours.
i added the spranks and the nibs at this point, and they sunk in just a tad,
which was really just sort of a nice touch.
guys!
i didn't stop there, though.
nope.
no way.
i know what's good for me, and it is always to have a little MORE of everything.
that's right.
and therefore, i HAD to activate that chocolate frosting, too.
mmmmmmmm.
3 T vegan butter,
4 T cocoa;
2 T ground chocolate bar;
1/2 tsp vanilla;
a pinch of salt;
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar;
splashes and splishes, roughly 4 T? of non-dairy milk,
and my trusty stand mixer, all working in conjunction
to turn this magnificent mutha-b!tch way up and off the charts.
YUM.
if you haven't ever had one of these,
stop what you're doing, assemble the ingredients,
and improve your life with a fresh-made from-scratch batch of brutally amazing,
and diabolically delightful dopeness for your F*ing face.
that's all there is to it.
you need it, and you can have it.
it made my morning better,
it made my night better,
and it's about to make my morning better again.
it's all really happening, and without this creamy dream,
i imagine it'd be a bleak pit of hopelessness and obligation.
lucky for me i've got a third of it waiting like a crisis intervention helpline
made of soy and cocoa.
that's all i need, which is good, because that's all i've got;
never quiet, never soft.....

CLASSICO!!

spaghetti and meatballs?!
c'mon.
there are a whole lotta folks out there who swear, up, down,
sideways, and back again that that's the ultimate molto hottnissimo.
y'know?
i mean it.
back home, in tiny american state of connecticut,
where an overwhelming neo-italian influence permeates the area in a rosily
marinara-tinted glow of anglicized dialects and specialty cheese stores,
a good meat-a-ball might be the difference between your parents' approval
of a potential spouse, or the tragic star-crossed calamity of an unacceptable union.
that might be a tiny exaggeration, but it's not too far off from the truth.
if your sauce game is weak?
you're Off The List.
and that's especially true if you only eff around and use jar sauce.
(it's practically the unspoken 8th sin, i think)
where i'm from, that's for the untouchable filthy rabble we do NOT associate with.
ha!
...and then there's the meatballs.
first of all, the idea of a ball of meat is F*ing horrifying.
that's no joke.
mushing together different animals body parts,
with bird butt baby-seeds,
and crumbled old bread?
What. The. F*?!
that's gross, when deconstucted, isn't it?
ugh.
however,
since the debate over who makes best ones has gone on forever,
naturally, there's elitism and discrimination as to the blend of charnel horrors you employ.
and then, to further explore the minutiae,
you've got to ask whether to cheese or NOT to cheese?
apparently,
it's a dilemma.
well,
not for me, or you, obvi-
because we're not a kaleidoscopic pulped-carcass-frankensteining A*-holes.
a menagerie of unrecognizable corpses isn't something i'm likely to ever employ.
and the eggs and the cheese aren't invited either.
that's the awesomest part of MY spaghetti and 'balls, y'all.
nobody gets hurt.
....
and yet, maybe that's not entirely true-
feelings do get a little hurt when you can't tell if you're doing it right or not.
awww.
yeah, neighbors,
i'm still over here perfecting the ultimate m(wh)eatballs,
and simmering a slightly chunky super-official marinara, from scratch;
because rules is rules,
and my DNA compels me to obsess over the intricacies of this defining dish.
so i do.
the thing of it is, i do it reallllly well.
mmmhmmm.
i'm not trying to take it easy, just because i don't want to eat dead bodies, bro.
take a look at what i'm talking about, because i think i might be onto something.
teleport:

THAT'S A-SPICY!!
dudes!!
come ON.
(it's vermicelli, not spaghetti, but i think that only improved the experience,
as marginally thinner strands of durum semolina really just means
MORE strands of slippery semolina serpents on the plate.
yummmmmmm.
al dente dopeness is what we need.
and that sauce?
*ahem* i mean, that SAUUUUCE!!!
yeah!
i don't know how you get down with homemade magic,
but i just use what i've got, to get where i want to go.
-
*
N.T.S.W.T.S. (never the same way twice sauce)
-
in a medium pot, with a tablespoon of olive oil, soften:
1/2 sweet onion, diced;
1 cup sliced baby tomatoes;
3 cloves garlic;
1 medium carrot, finely minced.
add 1 tsp ea. Garlic Powder, Onion Powder;
then, toss in phase one of your spices:oregano, parsley, basil, sage, thyme, rosemary.
toast those to unlock the aromatics,
then deglaze the pan with:
2 T red wine vinegar.
add 2 cups crushed tomatoes;
2 T tomato paste;
1/2 cup broth;
1/4 cup apple cider;
one handful of nootch,
salt, black pepper, and crushed red pepper flakes.
simmer for 20 minutes,
then reassess your spices.
add more if you need 'em, or get psyched that it's already awesome. whatever.
I LOVE A GOOD SAUCE.
that's real.
-
sourdough garlic bread?!
hell yes.
lightly buttered slices of whole grain naturally fermented super-hottness,
with GPOP, and nootch, a little salt, and fried garlic sprankles,
toasted on one side, at 400℉, until they're just beginning to brown...
damn, that's that super-sexxxy sh!t, son.
i'm serious. it seems simple, but it adds so much.
why?
because good bread makes better people, and that's the truth.
***********
but, let's discuss these balls. bro.
tempeh, seitan, tomatoes, spices, broth, and love.
if you aren't about it, you'd better learn about it,
or you'r going to get held back, and left behind.
there's no room for non-eff-with'rs when it comes to something this good.
here's your move:
-
*
M(WH)EATBALLLLLLLLS!!!
-
in a medium sauce pot,
saute, in 2 T olive oil:
1/2 large yellow onion, minced;
2 cloves garlic;
add 8 oz. crumbled tempeh (i used one with flax seeds in it);
and 1 can petite diced tomatoes, with juice.
simmer that up for five minutes, and then toss in:
GPOP, nootch, oregano, thyme, sage, parsley, rosemary;
give 'em a pinch of cayenne, and a healthy shake of crushed red pepper,
plus 33 coarse cracks of black pepper, and a dash of salt.
now,
add 1 cup of veggie broth, and let it all cook down to a mash,
uncovered, for as long as that takes,
whilst stirring occasionally, over medium/medium-low heat.
-
guys, that's NOT all there is to it, either.
nope.
i like the process, because it's an involved one,
and too much is my favorite amount.
in a medium bowl, sift together:
1 cup wheat gluten;
3 T garbanzo bean (chickpea) flour;
3 T tapioca flour;
2 T nootch.
-
add the slightly-cooled mash to the flour, and smoosh it all together.
let that mixture set up for five minutes,
then hand-form a set of fattie-boombattie balls, buddy.
i made ten big un's, and another 'nother dozen smaller ones.
y'can't make just a couple.
no way.
set 'em up in an oiled shallow cake pan, and cover each with a dollop of crushed tomatoes.
foil 'em over,.
and bake 'em for thirty-forty minutes, in that 400℉ garlic-bread-toastin'-A* oven,
uncovering the whole batch after the first 20...
kaBOOM!!
'SPLODE!!
WOW!!!
all of a sudden, you're living in a passionately compassionate modern-age of
conscientious, capable, culinary creation.
these blops are the BEST.
and i'm still in the over-the-top italian-american snob club, for life!!
my point being: someday i'm gonna make a lovely wife for somebody.
HEY!
did you just impose your traditional gender roles on my meatballs?
umm, take it easy.
*
it's cold in wintertime.
currently, it's unseasonably arctic,
and there's a LOT of wind.
that's essentially the worst combo.
oh,
and the foot of snow on the ground isn't making crabtree or i ANY happier
about our obligatory but unwelcome wintry trek through the woodsly not-so-goodness.
nope.
not one little teeny tiny little bit.
however,
you get what you get, when you live where i live,
so it's all still really happening,
it's just not so great.
nature wins,
but she doesn't have to be such a b!tch about it;
never quiet, never soft.....

NOODLEBOWLER!

noodles.
spicy noodles.
a spicy sichuan-style, korean-sauced, japanese udon activated bowl of
pan-asian awesomeness,
turned up, turned out, and turned on,
all for my big fat face to enjoy, with all the brow-sweaty, nose-sniffling mouth-tingles
that you'd hope for-
...if you were the type to be hopeful about the euphoric adrenaline rush that
comes complimentary with a big ol' pot of hottness, and chilis, and sauce!
dudes!!
the hot hots were in full effect,
and the gochujang-enhanced sesame fried tofu was the least spicy bit of the meal!
yup.
so much heat, in fact, that we had the whole-head dizzybuzz that comes from
the automatic physiological response to hot fiery attackin'.
damn, but it tasted so good, there was no chance to stop eating it up.
that's for realsies, too.
fully-immersed shark gluttony can't be stopped until it's all gone.
that's called a feeding frenzy, and it's the only way to overdo it,
whenever you're determined to go had on the noods.
word up.
it was a sexxxy dish, for sure.
check the teleport:

FUEGOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
yeah, i got the pea shoots, and the purple carrots, and the mung bean sprouts,
all to add crawnch to all that boomfire-
and those juicy udons get pan fried a bit, with those furious dried chilis,
in sesame oil, with sesame sossamon seeds, and a splash of h2o, too.....
but it was the SAUCES that brought this baby b!tch way up and over the top.
yup.
after the tofu was crisped up on all sides in a light toasted sesame/vegetable oil blend,
the whole pan was doused in the gochujingle-jangle jauns, for sure!
-
ok, right quick, rapid fire,
just as a guideline:
*
2 T gochujang paste, 1 T soy sauce, 1 T rice wine vinegar, 1 T spirit vinegar,
1 tsp garlic powder, 1 tsp red chili flakes!!!
^^^^so, so SO easy, but packed to the limit with rich, sumptuous, succulent flavorious victory!
mmmm.
the whole thing absorbed into that thirsty tofu, and to quote my dinner companion:
'this tastes like comfort'.
uh-huh.
if comfort has a simmering heat, and a little bit of sweet,
and a whole lot of salt, then you can't get much more comfortable than this, man.
-
and then the separate, but equally expert veggie deluxxxe portion of the program:
*
2 cups of  chopped broccoli, with severed stems and all,
plus 1/4 cup of chopped onion, 3 cloves of thick-sliced garlic,
a habanero, and a teaspoon of minced jalapeno,
seared in sesame oil, and then totally activated in a red chili and black vinegar bath!
yup.
that's what's up!!
-
you add agave, and black vinegar, and black pepper, and a pinch of sichuan peppercorns,
plus a dash of red chili flakes, and soy sauce, to a dash of chili paste,
with a scoop of cornstarch, all eyeballed and off-the-cuff'd in the moment,
a la prima for your pan and eventually your stomach.
guys!
you need it!
the starch thickens the sauce, the sauce wilts the brox, the spice fires up the engines,
and before much time has passed,
you're livin' in a flaming furnace of spice and tastiness.
real talk, if you hate big strong manly food,
go eat a nugget, you weak little baby.
this is grown-up berserker nutrition, and it's not for you.
the rest of us will be here with numb lips and fuzzy frontal lobes,
indulging in huge bowls of barbarian excess.
and that's the truth.
sesame and scallion sprankles complete the look.
i mean, rules is rules, neighbors.
don't come through on that weak sh!t.
no spranks?
no thanks.
word.
***********
...and now, it's snowing.
a lot.
it does that.
nature wins, kids,
and there's no accouting for it.
you ust shovel, and suck it up.
you don't have to like it,
and i don't.
but, it's all really happening,
and i'll be driving myself to work in a bit, to see how many pickup-trucking d!ckturds
need terrible tattoos to prove their worth as neckbiscuits of the great white north.
sweet.
movie checks and treacherous roads go together like bitter and sweet....
we'll see what happens, as it happens;
never quiet, never soft.....

EVERYTHING EXPERT!

tea.
mmhmm.
the secret ingredient is tea.
chai tea, specifically.
and the not so secret ingredient?
pumpkin.
OBvi.
pumpkin chai spice cake is just what it says it is, man.
and then, unstated, but totally accurate, it's also F*ing amazing.
...that's no joke.
i had some thai coconut chai tea.
in fact,
i have a whole LOT of chai-style spice packets hanging out
all over the place, in several cupboards here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
i do.
i mean, can you ever really have enough of it?
no way.
and besides, too much is the right amount.
yeah!
ANYway,
i made a very flavorfully spiced cake,
with special assistance from my special lady,
for her ma's berfday celebration family dinner sing-a-long party times.
yuuuuup.
i'm only slightly helpful, but i'm severely motivated to make sure all y'all mutha-'uckers
recognize the powerful excellence of cruelty-free vegan desserts.
word up.
take a look through the teleport,
and then i'll hit you with the play by play:

TEA 'N' TEA IS DYN-O-MITE!!!
mmmmmmmm.
and preliminary reports suggest it was a big hit at the party, too.
that's good news.
y'never wanna send a batch of sh!t-salad-suckery to a soiree.
that'd be embarrassing, and y'see, i'm not about that sort of thing.
do you want to make one of these?
you do?!
awesome.
here's how:
-
*
PUMPKIN CHAI CAAAAAAAAAKE!!!
-
preheat your oven to 350℉
-
in the bowl of your most steadfast ally, the upright, upstanding, and righteous stand mixer,
combine:
1 stick (8T) vegan butter - earth balance is the best one;
1 cup sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 satchels chai tea (i used that thai jauns, y'all ca use ANY chai you like)
1 tsp vanilla bean paste (i love those little bean bits, man);
2/3 can pumpkin puree (10oz).
whip that into a frenzy,
so that all the butter and sugar and pumpkin are one airy pulp,
and then add:
1/4 cup tapioca flour;
3 cups flour;
1/4 cup maple syrup;
1 tsp cinnamon;
1 tsp bakey soda;
1 tsp bakin' powpow;
3/4 cup vegan nog (or non-dairy milk is you don't have access to holiday hottness)
whisk it all up, making sure it's a fluffy batter,
and spoon it equally into 2 greased and floured 8" cake pans.
bake 'em for 22-25 minutes, until a tester comes out of the center clean....
you'll need to cool them completely before you frost the thing,
but you can still start the frosting ahead of time, anyway...
-
*
CHAIMAPLECREAMCHEE' FROSTING!!!
-
in your reently rised and thoroughly dried stand mixer,
smash up:
1 stick softened vegan butter,
2 T vegan (tofutti) creamchee';
add 3 cups powdered sugar;
1 tea bag of chai (this time i used decaf bengal spice);
2 T maple syrup;
3-5 T holiday nog, or non-dairy milky equivalent, as needed, to get a fluffy frosting.
whipped on high, spread in between, the layers as glue,
and skim-coated around the whole surface.
yes, i used coloring to tint the frosting pinkish,
and yes, i actually had to add some coconut frosting i had on hand into the mix,
to make sure i had more than enough to get a baby bit fancy.
OH!
and kayla cut a circle out of the center for a secret special spillover surprise,
filled to the top with sprankles, and frosted over to stay hidden until cut.
pretty kyoot, bro.
these crazy kids do the darnedest things, am i right?
ha!
***********
it was a snow day, guys.
four or five inches of the kapow-powder falling on my head.
how much fun was my walk with crabtree?
well, it was slippery,
and cold, and the sun glaring off of the ice was definitely dangerous....
so, it was pretty much the first worst one of winter,
a few weeks earlier than the first official day.
yay!
the day stayed frosty, the studio stayed busy, and the weekend ended in blood and ink...
i DID tattoo a few big pieces,
on a few big fellas who'd braved the elements
on an hours-long drive down from out of the far north....
and then, we spanned the entire afternoon together,
before they trekked back up in the after-dark ice.
i'll bet that was a good time.
i'm grateful for repeat clients.
they keep coming in, and i get more psyched every damned time.
yes, they're all dudes.
no, that isn't what i would've preferred,
but,
you get what you get, man.
i have the opportunity to do so many more interesting tattoos,
only, they're ALL on burly dudes.
so, it turns out, that's the cost of being the kind of artist i s'pose i am.
i'm just not meant for the ladies of the north, it seems.
i'll try to persevere.
in fact, i'm determined to flourish.
me and all these dudes, remaining men, together.
there you have it;
never quiet, never soft.....

FOREVER BLUE!

i don't always know what to do.
in fact,
sometimes, i only know what NOT to do;
but then i generally opt to do that over doing nothing.
mmhmm.
i need to stay in motion, and steadily stay eating, all the freakin' time, man.
so,
i just sort of smash a bunch of stuff  together in a bowl,
and then bake it up with the sincere hope that it isn't awful.
it rarely tastes bad.
i mean, sugar, butter, flour, salt- all those things are meant to span time together;
but sometimes, the outcome doesn't look like a sexy somethin'-somethin'.
in those instances, i feel obligated to eat whatever it is much, much faster...
i mean, ugly food is NOT invited, but if it's here, let's get it together,
and get rid of it in as rapid a manner as we can.
(that means fewer, but much bigger, bites)
i made some blueberry things.
i may have started out on a muffin mission,
but i broke off from my initial trajectory,
and landed somewhere between a blarpity blop and a burly bar.
what?
oh.
look:

BLOOBS IN A CAKE, BLOOBS IN A HEAP!!
they were almost bars, similar to scones,
save for all the residual blueberry moisture that steam-melted the shapes
into these sloppy jauns you see here.
awwwwww.
they taste terrific. they just loo a little beat up,
i think that starting out making muffins is where i effed up.
a cup of sugar, a stick of butter, a half teasoon of salt, a dollop of vanilla bean paste-
that's all fine and good, guys.
two and a half cups of flour? that's acceptable.
almost a cup of chocolate chips? heavy, but still okay.
a cup of frozen wild maine blueberies? now we're getting wetter, but not better.
a teaspoon each powder and soda, baking-style, are pretty much standard practice.
and a half a cup of non-dairy milk seems like that's a good idea, too, doesn't it?
yep.
the creamed butter, tho. that's the undoer!
softened, spread-out fat, coupled with wet AF bloobs, had the whole thing tricking me.
at first, the fold and turn method of combining was going so well......
but, as the berries defrosted in the relative warmth of the creamy butter/sugar paste,
everything started getting a bit soupy, although still kind of cold.
i mean, c'mon, kids-
they were FROZEN berries.
maybe, if i'd rested them in the freezer for a little bit, they'd have held their shape better.
maybe.
instead, twenty minutes at 410℉ had me looking at these deflated blue-green blobs.
dudes!
i'd cut them into lovely rectangles, only to see them spread out like muffin tops,
which really makes prefect sense all things considered.
bummer.
at least they TASTED incredible.
slightly spongy, not too sweet, fruity, with that chocolate coming through strong,
and with a slightly open crumb that held all the spring of the thing,
and made them crumbly, but only barely, compared to how moist and soft they stayed.
-
all told, i liked a lot about them,
but next time, i'm gonna be sure to do some things a lot differently.
that's how it goes, after all-
i'm livin', bro.
i'm learnin', too.
and that's sort of the whole point, yeah?
...yeah.
and while that's all really happening,
i'm eating these uggos as a reminder that delicious and beautiful
don't necessarily need to hang out together.
and while there's no guarantee of aesthetic pleasure forever,
good taste is it's own reward, even in the ugliest of dishes.
i'd rather eat beautiful food, but whenever i can't, you know the rules provide the answer:
stay ugly, stay dope.
uh huh.
that's a thing.
heck, that's MY thing.
i'm not getting any better looking either,
but i'll promise you that i'm trying to be more delicious every damned day;
never quiet, never soft.....