BITS

yeah,
i'll put a scoop of your loved ones' ashes in the ink.
what?
is that cool?
no.
is it safe?
yeah.
is it a little baby bit gross, and a big bit morbid?
for sure.
am i the good idea police?
i am NOT.
but i am a tattooer in good standing among the ranks of tattzappers.
so i do weird sh!t like that:

this one has real bits and pieces of bernard in it.
yup.
the cardinal is from somebody else's work,
reworked and wrestled with,
while grampy and the twitches fought me at every line.
these things are what make meaningful tattoos more memorable,
in memoriam,
y'know?
that's just what it is;
never quiet, never soft.....

PIZZA PARTY

diastatic malt powder.
the secret is OUT.
i got some;
nate has some;
we GOT some.
and it gets it IN, son.
for real.
you want excellent oven spring and a strong rise in your dough?
you want a sexxxy brown crust on your baked breads and such?
you do?!
...yo.
then y'gotta get that powder.
it makes alllllll that happen.
check it:

PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYY!!!
it's my favorite blend-
brussels, 'bacon', and onion-
that's the expert Folk Life & Liberty Fortress signature pizza pie.
f'real.
and look at that crust, bro: tight AF, am i right?
i know!
a spoonful of diastatic malt powder is what makes the magic so much more magical.
it's barley, bro. barley flour is the big action,
and it activates the best yeasts to do their best work.
everything else is the same.
sauteed brussels sprout quarters, with a splash of water to soften them up.
one sliced vidalia onion slowly sauteed to caramel perfection.
tempeh baconis always invited to my pizza parties, too.
11 strips of tempeh, slow bubbled in a half a cup of water,
with tamari and liquid smoke and agave and Garlic Powder and Onion Powder
and black pepper and smoked paprika and olive oil....
and when it all gets absorbed it all gets ready to rock your F*ing face off.
that's a thing.
there's minced daiya mozzarella chee',
and minced store-made cashew mozzarella chee',
and crushed tomatoes, and kale,
and fried garlic sprankles, too.
i mean, rules is rules, dudes.
you need all those things to do the thing correctly.
i did it.
in a 480℉ oven on a set of stones.
and the dough was what made it all so much better.
-
*
PIZZA D'OH!
-
in a stand-upright mixer, combine:
1 spoonful diastatic malt powder;
2 cups king arthur bread flour;
2 T olive oil;
1 pkg active yeast;
1 tsp fast-actin' bread machine yeast;
1 cup water.
give that a quick whirl with the dough hook, like fifteen seconds-
then let it stew for an hour.
add 2 tsp sea salt, and 2 T warm water,
and knead that bad baby up for 11 minutes-
cover it, and let it proof in the fridge for 12-16 hours-
take it out when your oven is preheating and stretch it on an oiled steel tray.
i use steel because it makes the crust bubble up nicey-nice.
but that's just me.
how long do i bake it for?
until it's finished.
and i take it off the steel and give it the last little minute ON the stones, too.
yup.
does this make sense?
so you get it?
are you feeling it?
good.
do the right thing, kids.
what can i say?
i have a lot of true stories, but they're all sad.
i have a whole long list of low points and losses,
but really, according to the logistics on this little diary,
nobody is looking,
and that's probably for the best.
i may be all alone.
i may have nobody to actually talk to most days.
i may spend every night huddled in a puddle of quaking shakes and comfortless comforters.
i may not have any avenues that look promising.
all that may be the honest-to-goodness way it is.
heck,
my hallowe'en costumes may be lame.
and my food is annoying to look at over and over.
and the giant armoire of fancy napkins and cutting board tableaus is excessive.
and my art may be too weird for northern new hampshire.
and i may have so many heavy weights from all the aspirations that asphyxiate me.
and my dog may be impossible to adequately care for.
and my kids may all be better off with less of me in their lives.
and i may say all the wrong things without exception.
but maybe that's the beauty of it-
who ever read it?
who still reads it?
who kept on after the picture of the pizza?
y'wanna know what's actually all really happening?
it's ending.
this thing.
those things.
everything.
and i'm telling this little captain's log all about it.
maybe i'll feel better,
maybe i'll feel nothing.
either would be preferable to feeling like it doesn't matter if i stay or go.
and that's how it ends each and every night;
never quiet, never soft.....

THE GREAT PUMPKIN.

CARROT CAKE 🥕🎂

i made a special cake for a special person.
yeah.
i might've not mentioned it before,
but i've made some seemingly insignificant yet substantial changes in my life.
it's true.
when you live like a weird hermit with no one to answer to
for a large chunk of your fully-formed adult life,
it gets impossible to imagine NOT doing things the way you already like them.
i mean, why would you?
there's comfort in routine, and structure is essential for obsessives like me.
that said: 
at one point, for decades, in fact- i swore i'd never get a mobile phone.
...then i did.
i swore i'd never get any apple products because i don't buy the hype.
now i have three, including the phone i'm looking at too much.
(i still don't buy the hype, but they stuck me for my papers anyway)
i also swore that carrot cake was NOT invited to the party.
carrots are for food, not treats i said.
there's HOW many blog posts on this thing,
and there's no carrot cakes...
and yet,
when breezy says she wants a gluten-free carrot cake?
immediately, i set out to make that vegan supersweetness for her,
and i look up recipes on my iphone that she strongly suggested to me to get...
yeah.
i guess when you really like someone you do things you said you wouldn't.
i barely used a recipe at all when all was said and done.
that's my style.
i'm NOT ever giving in to the box-mix, man.
i saw some general proportions-
i wasn't sure how much carrot to use, mostly....
then i fired up the oven and got to work:

YES.
VEGAN.
GLUTEN-FREE.
CREAMCHEE' FROSTED.
CARROT.
CAKE.
here's how it went down:
-
*
GF-V CARROT CAKE !
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
grease two 8" cake tins with coconut oil, set aside.
-
in a medium-sized mixing bowl, combine:
1/3 cup dark brown sugar;
1/3 cup demerara sugar;
1/3 cup sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
2 tsp cinnamon;
1/2 tsp ginger, nutmeg;
1/4 tsp allspice;
dash of cloves;
1 stick (8 T) vegan butter.
cream that all up,
then add:
1/2 cup unsweetened plain coconut yogurt;
1 T powdered egg replacer;
1 1/2 cup grated carrot;
1/2 cup mama's gf almond flour blend;
1/2 cup bob's 1:1 gf rice based flour blend;
1 cup bob's ap gf flour;
1/4 cup tapioca flour;
1/4 cup medium-flake unsweetened coconut;
1/2 cup chopped walnuts;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
1/2 cup random gf baking flour
(this one was arrowhead mills ancient grain blend);
you need diversity in flours if you want gf baking to WORK.
that's a thing.
and 3/4 cup nondairy milk.
stir it up, and mix it all together nicey-nice,
spread it evenly between those two pans,
and bake them both for 33 minutes.
that's it.
you're a miracle now.
-
when they've cooled, y'gotta stick 'em up with that creamchee' frostin'.
that's the mandatory topping i guess.
rules is rules and that's a fact,
so i did what i do-
-
*
CREAMCHEE' CARROT CAKE HOTTNESS!
-
in a stand mixer with the whisk affixed, whip up:
3 cups powdered sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 stick vegan butter;
3 T vegan creamchee';
1/4 cup non-dairy milk.
that's it. make it fluffy.
i added orange for carrot indication, too,
because cakes should be pretty, especially when they're for a pretty lady.
that's no joke.
...and there's cinnamon sprankles.
and there's coconut sprankles.
why?
because too much is the right amount.
and that's all there is to it.
if it's cake, i'm for it.
if it's most other things, i'll probably sit it out;
never quiet, never soft.....

CROMBLES

rules is rules.
you put streusel on coffee cake or else.
so i did it.

pumpkin magic time, with allll the maple and brown sugar.
that's oatmeal and coconut and coconut oil
and all the cinnamon sprankles on top
yup.
that's what happened.
here's how:
-
*
PUMPKIN COFFEE CAKE!
-
preheat the oven to 375℉
-
grease a 9" springform pan in anticipation of great things to come.
-
in a mixing bowl, cream together:
1/2 cup brown sugar;
1/3 cup sugar;
1 stick (8 T) vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp cinnamon;
1/2 tsp ea. nutmeg, ginger, allspice;
dash of cloves;
3 T tapioca flour;
3 T unsweetened coconut flakes;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp maple exxxtract.
get that all mashed up together, then add:
1 cup pumpkin;
2.5 cups king arthur flour;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
3/4 cup non-dairy milk.
stir that all up,
and spoon it into the cake pan.
using the same bowl with those scraped out cake leavin's, combine:
3/4 cup oatmeal;
2 T brown sugar;
3 T powdered sugar;
a shake or two of cinnamon nutmeg cloves ginger allspice to taste;
2 T oat flour;
2 T vegan butter;
2 T raw unrefined coconut oil;
2 T unsweetened medium-flake coconut.
using a fork, crOmble that all up, and sprankle it on top.
bake the whole thing for 35-45 minutes- until a tester comes out clean from the center.
-
serve it with non-dairy vanilla ice cream if you're smart.
or without if you're not.
and here's a pro-tip: add MORE cinnamon.
it's good for you.
i think that's a thing.
yep.
so do what you're supposed to and bake some cake.
at least then, if you F* up all the rest of your life,
there's still cake;
never quiet, never soft.....

OUCH

it's a broken heart for this broken autumn.
awwwwwwwwwww.

damn, dudes.
sometimes, when you're just out walking in the woodsly goodness
and your dog is raging around all fired up because he doesn't get enough exercise,
and for that matter neither do you,
and you feel like you haven't slept enough because really what the eff even is rest
especially after long hard nights that don't end or get brighter,
...and it's raining,
and you spent the whole cold dark wet morning filling bags on top of bags
with tons of stuff that you don't need, or want, or care about,
and they're loaded up for throwing out,
and you're emptied out and numb and you see a little green heart on the ground......
that's nice until you look closer and see it's broken already.
what i mean is:
peak foliage season doesn't look like it's coming this year.
there's no bright sprankley warm-hued maple exxxxplosion to send us into the ending.
it's just bad fade to worse fade to worst.
i see love but i'm looking at it wrong,
or i see leaves and attach value to my feelings because i'm too sensitive.
maybe both;
never quiet, never soft.....

DOUBLES!

ian and albee visited for a bit.

that was really great.
albee is a good baby;
ian is a good friend;
and me?
well, i guess i had some cake to offer,
and that's something, at least.
i like it when the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress has Folk Life friends in it.
it really helps.
and help is something i don't know much about, but i sure like it when i feel it.
and that baby!
handsome, like his papa, and lovely like his ma.....
plus, his name sounds F*ing expert.
i love those people;
NQNS.....

THIS GUY!

i made my head waaaaaaay too big.

awwww.
i have a little bitty weirdy-shaped peanut head.
that's the truth.
and maybe that shirt looks like a polo.
and i've never played horseback croquet or whatever the eff polo even is.
anyway,
i know what i look like.
....basically a small-headed different-shirted version of this.
yeah.
guess who wasn't tattooing and had a pen and some time?
there it is;
never quiet, never soft.....

OCTOBER!!

darum'o'lantern!

yup.
october is when you do this sort of thing;
NQNS.....

GRUNTS AND SLUMPS!!

i made my sweeeet baby lady woman something special.
mmhmm.
we were laughin' late at night about old treats for autumn.
cobbler?
that's not funny.
pandowdy? that's a hoot.
grunts and slumps? c'mon....
in your mouth????
ahhhhhhhahahahahahaha.
i want that.
so i made that.
biscuity batter over fruit blops, with sugar sprankles?
yes, please.
i modified the recipe i was imagining.
i didn't use a real written-down one,
but i changed my imagination to also include gluten-freedom for her.
look:

THAT'S how i said bye bye to september.
with a big bowlful of baked APPLE SCRUFFS!
seven apples, peeled, cored, sliced, and simmered in maple syrup and brown sugar?!
yup.
expert.
-
you want the recipe?
you got it-
-
*
APPLE SCRUFFS!
-
preheat the oven to 375℉
-
simmer 7 properly prepared apples in  2 quart saucepot on low heat,
with 3 T maple syrup;
3 T brown sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, and allspice.
maybe give 'em a pinch of salt.
how about also a squirt of lemon juice, too, to make it better.
yeah.
do that.
-
in a medium mixing bowl, combine:
1/2 cup mama's almond flour blend;
1/4 cup bob's 1:1 gf flour;
1/2 cup bob's all purpose gf flour blend;
1/4 cup bob's gf oat bran;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp baking soda;
1 tsp baking powder;
1/2 cup demerara sugar;
4 T vegan butter;
cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice;
1/2 cup non-dairy vanilla yogurt;
3 T non-dairy milk.
it should be a thick and cakey and awesome.
-
add the simmered apples to a pie pan,
and spoon blops of the batter over the top.
add some demerara sugar sprankles.
add some gf oat sprankles.
bake it for thirty minutes.....
the cake will rise, the apples will soften further,
and the whole thing will be SOOOO F*ing awesome.
make sure you add vegan ice cream to your bowlful,
to fully activate the exxxtra smooth magical creamy goodness.
yeah.
--
i should also mention that that's waaaaaay more batter than the pie pan can handle.
i made another 6" cake as well....just so you're aware.
this'll make enough hottness for exxxtra cake.
yeah!
*
my little lovely lady doesn't eat gluten, man.
we all know this.
so i'll make a no-gluten treat when i wanna so we can have a little fun.
that's right, i'll share a grunt or a slump with her.
maybe both.
yeah.
that's nice.
i'm not good at most things,
so i get so excited about the things i can do.
i'm sayin', i made up a recipe about wheatless apple goodness.
now, if only i could make up a functional method of behaving.
awwwwwwwwww.
the treats tho;
never quiet, never soft.....

RAAAAABBIT! RABBIIIIIT!

i said the magic words.....and it started raining.

shoutouts to a wet start.

shoutouts to a dark day, in the literal sense.

shoutouts to bright horizons, figuratively.

shoutouts to treats.

and shout out that spellcast blast past your pursed lips, kids:

rabbit! rabbit!

cultivate coincidence and garner fortune's favors for yourself.

all you gotta do is remember to speak it first things first, or else.

y'know what else you gotta remember?

cinnamon rolls.

rules is rules, neighbors.

we say the thing, we make the thing.

that's how it is around here.

and to start october right, i put the spiral to some new hottness:

CINNAMON PUMPKIN PECAN ROLLS!!!

don't even act like those don't be LOOKIN'.

i know they do.

i doo-doo that spooky sh!t, son.

what's good about 'em?

the centers are super soft.

the edges are very firm.

they're sticky af.

the nuts are crunchy, 

but they compliment the softness of the brown sugary buttery pumpkin filling.

the icing is thick, 

and full-bodied with vegan creamchee' and vanilla and cinnamon.

and the pecan sprankles?

c'mon.

too much is the right amount.

that's real.

i'll give you the recipe, and you ca get buy with a batch of your own.

i will warn you, i took down seven of these babies, in two sessions.

the first five went in while warm, and that was too easy-

but the last two were cooled, and sticky, and F*ing awesome.

you've been warned.

-

*

CINNAPUMPLERS!

-

preheat your oven to 375℉.

-

line a 10" cast-iron pan with parchment.

-

heat 

1 cup non-dairy milk;

1 tsp vanilla;

4 T vegan butter;

3 T pumpkin puree;

1 T maple syrup over low heat until the butts melt.

cool it off so it doesn't kill your yeast in a minute.

-

meanwhile in a stand-mixer with a dough hook, 

or by hand if you really wanna have no fun,

combine:

3 cups king arthur bread flour;

1/2 tsp salt;

1/4 cup sugar;

1 pkg active dry yeast;

1 tsp fast-actin' bread machine yeast;

cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice, and cloves in that order of quantity, 

from a shake to a pinch.

mix that well, add the milky magic, and knead it for 11 minutes.

cover it and let it rise for fifteen minutes.

-

for the filling, chop 1/2 cup pecans, and set aside.

-

in a medium-sized mixing bowl, cream together:

5 T vegan butter;

1 cup brown sugar;

3 T pumpkin puree;

3 T demerara sugar;

cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice, cloves, etc...

1 tsp vanilla.

-

roll the dough on a floured surface into a rectangle.

spread the sugar mixture evenly across the whole surface, 

leaving a small dough margin along one long edge of your rectangle.

sprink' those nuts all over the top of the sugar, and roll it up,

moistening that beige unsugared edge to seal it shut.

cut the resulting roll in half, then in half, then in thirds,

and arrange them with the smooth-cut sides up in the pan.

let them rise again for another fifteen minutes,

then bake them for 33 or until they look gold enough for you.

*

that's when you pull 'em out and ice their spiraled swirly tops.

mmmmmhmmm.

-

i used:

1/2 cup powdered sugar;

cinnamon;

1 tsp vanilla;

2 T vegan creamchee',

and enough s'milk to make 'it spreadably thiccc.

a spoonful at a time is the way to go, bro. for sure.

...and then add MORE nuts.

i mean. 

c'mon.

***********

now i'm not saying that cinnamon pecan rolls are going to make october better.

but they made it start better.

i went to work, got a new phone for taking new pictures and sending more texts,

and calling all the right people, and on and on.

i made some art.

i vacuumed the shop, twice.

i did things.

i do things, sometimes.

and, i started my hallowe'en costume at night.

yup.

a little rainy day hot glue situation had me staring at myself and cutting foam

for the face portion of the costume.

this year, i think i need to make an accessory costume the kids can also wear.

i think that's important, too.

a berserker barbarian space robobotron warlord is cool and all,

but what if he had a little sidekick?

kyooooooooooooooooot.

and that might make everybody happier,

and a little happiness is something i'll latch onto so hard right now.

october.

rabbits.

costumes.

cinnamon. 

pumpkins.

it's all really happening.

it isn't much, but it's more than last month, for certain;

never quiet, never soft.....