KRAMPUSANDWICH

what do you get if you're a spoiled brat?
you get the krampus to snatch you up,
and beat you and drag you to hell for a whole year.
and if you're a spoiled brät?
y'know, like you're really the wurst?
well,
then *i'm* krampus,
 and i'll eat you the eff up, bro.
HAHAHHHAAAHHHAHAHA.
oh, c'mon.
you like it.
december fifth is the krampusnacht,
and i wasn't about to be weak sauce about it.
in fact,
i went hard as heckfire on a sandwich week spectacular.
yup.
look:

THAT'S THE BESTWURST, KID!
one red lentil seitan exxxtra-large jaun,
blanched in a blend of vegetable broth, tamari, and malt vinegar,
which, when combined with hot oil, became a shiny glaze that made me go crazy
with taste sensations.
that's no joke.

and then there's that grilled red and green cabbage.
yuuuuuup.
it was positively packed with elite levels of crispy, crunchy charred hottness.
dry-fried to blacked the edges,
then buttered and salted to really cook it up and give it some crunch.
too good.
those pickled onions wren't too shabby either.
a little radish to sharpen the texture and the bright bite.
and then the two condiments turned it up to eleven.
for really-real.
that's a custom blend of whole-grain mustard, malt vinegar,
cracked black pepper, and horseradish all over the top of that fat sausage.
and that's toasted dill and caraway seeded mayo, with dill leaf to really make a point,
all over the bread.
......and that bread??
mein gott, freunds.
this is that power rye for your eye.
-
*
RYE BUNS!
-
1 cup king arthur bread flour;
1/2 cup king arthur white whole wheat flour;
1/2 cup bob's dark rye flour;
1 tsp diastatic malt powder;
1 tsp brown sugar;
1 T wheat bran;
2 T olive oil;
1 cup warm water + 1 tsp agave + 1 pkg fast actin' yeast;
1 tsp bread machine yeast.
all kneaded together to form a tight shiny ball,
covered and allowed to rise until doubled,
divided into great big thirds, and formed into hoagie loaves-
olive oiled and coarse sea salted, covered again, allowed to double again,
then baked for 25 minutes.
you won't regret eating one of these burly, hearty thiccc bangers, baby.
i promise.
-

and the you get a few baby dill pickles, and cut them into sixths,
and hook these F*ers up with just one more additional bit
of germanic awesomeness just to make sure that the naughtiness
you taste in every bite is worth it.
too much is the right amount.
that's the only way.
i made more sandwiches already than ever before.
why?
because i have a whole lotta feelings to process,
and i know you know there's only one road that leads to problem-solving,
and it 100% goes through the kitchen;
never quiet, never soft.....

BLACK ELVIS

this one is almost a dessert sandwich.
f'real.
it's got chocolate, coconut, peanut butter, and banana,
plus THREE slices of fried multigrain bread.
you get it.
you like it.
fried peanut butter and bananas-elvis style.
but also, chocolate, because black elvis is even better.

word up.
coconut oil and a hot press had that bread doing some kind of sensually
crisped-up coconut sorcery.

the toasty flavors really worked with those seeds and the heat.
i like when that happens.
a lot.
next up,
a blend of toasted unsweetened medium sized coconut flakes
and roasted chopped peanuts.
there's also the very extremely chunky all-natural peanut butter, too.
and the banana, which is just sliced up banana, but that's all you need.
-
and then there's the chocolate.
1/4 cup dark chocolate chips;
1/4 tsp vanilla;
3 T non-dairy milk;
1 T cacao nibs;
1 tsp cacao-
heated, melted, stirred up, and mixed in with 3 T coconut-peanut blend.
-
look:

SO FILLLLLLLLLTHY, but just right.
so,
it's a FAT slather of chunky butts on the outside edges, thendouble toasty 'nuts,
then banana,
then chocolate then bread, then the exact same things in reverse order,
so the peanut butter is at the ends and the chocolate is on either side of the middle slice.
something this simple shouldn't be so freaking awesome.
of course, it's got ALL the fat and sugar, so you still pay for it in the end....
but it's absolutely worth it for all that ENORMOUS taste.
i know i'd eat three of these no problem.
i have a talent for sandwiches that cannot be stopped,
and i won't either...
until monday, anyway.
rules is rules, and sandwich week is always eight days long.
a long december isn't just about adam duritz being a hell of a songwriter, man.
but a long week between bread is just the way it is;
never quiet, never soft.....

PICCALILLI

PICCALILLI.
because i really do.
...
oh.
british condiments are pretty wild.
a more-curry lovin' grey wet island i've yet to meet.
and chief amongst them?
piccalilli.
yeah.

y'see that?!?!
it's fantastic.
and just what is piccalilli?
it's dope as F* is what it is:
curry-pickled minced cauliflower florets, diced carrot, halved boiling onions,
and diced cubes of cut skin-on apple.
with malt and cider vinegars,
black peppercorns, dill seed, celery seed, mustard seed, coriander seed,
caraway seed, red pepper flakes, cumin seed, turmeric, curry powder, and salt.
i did a quick pickle, heated until the veg was softened (although i added the onions,
which'd been blanched and peeled first, for just five minutes of the hard bubble-up)
and then all of it was steeped while it cooled,
and then refrigerated in an airtight glass container for two more days.
simple?
sorta.
superb?
certainly.
expert?
definitively.

the flavor is GIGANTIC.
the crunch is pronounced.
the color is intense.
and all of it is right there.
on top of a batch of bhaji pakoras, bro.
let me illuminate the big picture-
there's spinach,
then, there's pickled red onions.
y'know?
-
*
RED ONIONS
-
in a quart pot, add enough apple cider vinegar to barely cover 1 red onion,
peeled and halved and sliced in thin strips, plus 1/2 tsp sea salt, and 1/2 tsp sugar.
plus a strainer immersed into the brine and add black peppercorn, mustard seed,
dill seed, red pepper flakes, and coriander seed,
boil until the onions turn soft and pink all the way through-
then allow them to cool completely before using.
-
yeah,
then the PAKORAS do their thing.
again,
they're gluten-free, in case i ever get to make them for my one and only.
y'wanna know what i did/
you got it:
-
*
PAKORAS!
-
1 cup finely chopped cauliflower, florets and stems;
2 T frozen peas;
1/4 cup sliced sweet onion;
1/3 cup chick pea flour;
1/4 tsp cumin seeds;
1/2 tsp smoked paprika;
1/2 tsp curry powder;
black pepper;
dash of ground dry mustard;
pinch of nootch;
shake of GPOP;
1 T tamari;
1/3 cup warm water-
adjust for flour and liquid as necessary, you'll want a thicker battery matrix holding
the veggie chunks in place.
toss it all together and that'll make some veggie delights
that you won't actually believe are glutenless and vegan
and so F*ing tasty in your face.
get a pan piping hot with a fat pat of coconut oil,
3 T, or enough to make a wading pool in the cooking area,
and fry them up.
they'll get brown, and the veg will get soft,
and you'll only have to flip them once if you do it right.
neighbors-
these are so good, you're gonna want the just all on their own.
maybe with spicy sauce and creamy sauce at the same time.
yeah.
that's real.
-
and i HAD sriracha,
AAAAAAAND jalapeno/cilantro laced coconut non-dairy yogurt, too.
that's riiiIIIIiiiiight.
i know how to make a helluva F*ing andwich, buddy.

...but wait-
i almost didn't even mention that i roasted fingerling potato strips,
and got 'em crisssssssssspy as hell.
i'm kind of smart at food a little bit.
what?
the bun?
oh, i already told you the other day how to do that.
i also toasted it because that's the right answer.
and i want to do the right thing.
the only time i ever even know for sure what that is is in the kitchen.
lemme tell you guys something.
piccalilli.
get some.
make some.
eat some.
then do it again.
i know i piccalilli,
and i'm not gonna stop;
never quiet, never soft.....

BLOAT HATS

a BLT is not enough.
it isn't.
nope.
rules is rules,
and during sandwich week,
the rules say: too much is the right amount.
so i grilled and pressed some fresh-baked slices of homemade sourdough,
and turned up the ordinary acronym to turbo-charged tremendousness,
and cranked the flavor up to eleven.
that's a fact.
check the teleport:

Bacon made of tempeh;
Lettuce mixture of spicy baby greens;
Onion, red style;
Arugula, a vegetable;
Tofu, fried up crisp in the bacon leavin's;
Hummus, for a creamy cement to hold it together;
Avocado, because i am NOT an A*-hole;
Tomato, because that's mandatory;
Sourdough, good bread makes better people.
plus fire-roasted tomato sprankles,
and cilantro for good measure.
like i said, too much is the right amount.
wordimus prime.
BLOAT HATS.
that's a BLT, elevated.

c'mon, now-
that's the way you create culinary communication.
it's the word and the deed and the TRUTH as it conjure it.
a magical monologue between me and the world,
taking what i have and making it expert, in small doses,
to stave off hunger, ennui, the doldrums, and despair, in some short term solution
to the deeper and heavier love of life and loss of liberty that loom always
over my shoulder.
i know it's conflict avoidance.
i know it's a brief breath away from the grief i feel most days.
but holy F*.
the inspiration is there, born from unresolved desires,
and passions that have been paused by distance and circumstance.

it's not just a sandwich, it's an exclamation.;
never quiet, never soft.....

SANDWICH?

a crȇpe is not a sandwich.
it's just a really thin pancake.
but,
if you use one as a wrap, is it then at least a sandwich component?
i'm just sayin'-
a wrap is considered a sandwich, although i'm not 100% on board with that.
but what about an open-ended pita-crȇpe?
it sure tastes like a sandwich, i'll tell you that.
i made a big batch of gluten-free crȇpes, the better to hold all the good stuff
i had prepared for a megamorning glorious snow day feast,
all in the name of sandwich week.
i hope the purists will forgive the liberties i took.
look:

i'm sayin'-
almost every single thing in these is made without wheat.
except those sausages.
i already had 'em.
they're my from-scratch breakfast blend,
browned, sliced, fried a little more,
then bathed in real maple syrup to boost the flavor fully off the charts .
reread that.
i glugged maple syrup onto the hot pan and rolled the hot discs in it to coat 'em.
expert.
-
then there's that exxxtra-firm tofu, in mini cubes for structure,
fried with a little onion, and GPOP, and nootch,
and pink salt and black pepper and smoked paprika, until it started to get golden brownish.
-
and the oven was already at 400℉ because i was baking buns,
so i tossed some skin-on potatoes with salt, pepper, GPOP, olive oil,
and a little curry powder, plus a touch more turmeric,
and baked them until they were soft-centered and crispy-edged.
-
also sauteed some quartered baby bella mushrooms, too.
that's right. i did.
extra meaty bouncy bits of breakfast burliness are good for you,
especially when it's hella cold out and snowing all over the place.
-
fried tomatoes are kind of mandatory,
and what's the point without mixed lettuce
right?
right.
now toss in some radish and red onion sprankles,
and that's a wrap.
-
and speaking of wraps-
without the crȇpes, you ain't got it like that.
so make some, man.
heat a 12" non-stick pan to a very hot hottness.
if you don't have nonstick, you probably aren't making good crȇpes.
just sayin'.
anyway, in a big mug or small mixing bowl, combine:
i 1/2 cup bob's gf all-purpose blend flour;
a dash of salt;
a spoonful of olive oil;
a spoonful of tapioca flour;
a pinch of nootch;
and 1/2 cup non-dairy milk, + 1/4 cup water, + more as needed,
all stirred up, with 1 tsp ground flaxmeal.
that's the batter.
you gotta drizzle a spoonful and lift the pan and swirl it,
or else you get a fat small dumb pancake,
and that's NOT what's good.
but these are very good,
and very glutenless, and it doesn't even matter because i can eat gluten.
i'm just being sentimental because i have a lot of feelings.
and i ate a metric ton of them today.
what you get is some new epic edible fantasy magic that defies conventional ingestion.

see?!??!
savory, sweet, crunchy, chewy, soft, supple, succulent, and dare i say it: sexxxy.
that's right.
i was letting my feelings get the better of me,
and when i'm feeling my feels,
sometimes (or almost all the times) a stray redhead-centric sentiment
slips into the kitchen and conjures up some hot fire like you see here.
ANYthing can happen on a snow day, bro.
-
don't think i didn't go out and get some metallic foil wrapping paper, either.
rules is rules,
and i may need a little push to get XI-mas started....but i'm still gonna wrap it right.
like these crȇpes.
you need the right wrap, or you're an A*-hole.
that's just what it is;
never quiet, never soft.....

BATTLE BURGER!

a gluten-free vegan veggie burger that doesn't mush or fall apart?
no way, josé.
wait.
maybe i mean: yes way, though.
hmm?
do i think i can i do it?
man,
i already done did it.
yup.
it's precisely the sort of anything i'm referring to when i say
ANYthing might pop off on a snow day.
check it:

lentils, mushrooms, onion, roasted garlic, wheatless flour, and alllll the right spices.
best burger i've ever made?
b!tch, it might be.
do you want the recipe?
i'll share:
-
*
GF VEGAN BURGZ!
-
preheat your oven to 400℉
-
in your food processor, combine:
1 15oz can drained and rinsed lentils;
1 1/2 cups chopped baby bella mushrooms;
1/4 cup red onion;
3 cloves roasted garlic;
2 T GF rice crumbs;
2 T GF oats;
3 T bob's all purpose gf flour;
1/2 tsp black pepper;
2 tsp peri peri powder;
2 tsp umami mushroom powder;
1 T nootch;
1 tsp cayenne;
1 tsp red pepper flakes;
2 tsp smoked paprika;
1 T tamari;
1 T olive oil.
pulse that into a crOmbly paste,
and shape yourself some fat patties.
now, it's about to get gluttonous, guys-
add 1 T vegan butter to a hot pan, and fry these thiccc boyz a few minutes on each side.
then, when they've developed a brown skin, bake them for ten minutes-
then give them another 'nother toss on the hot pan to get them even firmer.
these are the TRUTH.
-
and there's lemon-juice-kissed collard and cabbage slaw,
which is just those things all together.
-
and there's toasted pumpkin seed sprankles,
and a little red onion, too.
-
but what's really sexxxy are the roasted carrots-

yeah.
olive oil and carrot spears and salt and pepper and Garlic Powder and Onion Powder,
in a single layer on parchment for twenty minutes in that already hot oven.
expert.
SO expert.
molto molto expert.
no joke.
-
the bread was great, too.
-
*
BUNZ!
-
in a stand mixer, combine:
2 tsp sea salt;
1 1/2 tsp diastatic malt powder;
2 cups king arthur bread flour;
2 tsp olive oil
2 tsp non-dairy yogurt;
1 pkg fast acting yeast;
1 tsp bread machine yeast;
3/4 cup + 2-3 T  warm water.
kneaded using the dough hook for 11 minutes, pulled into a ball,
covered, allowed to rise until doubled,
divided into 4 equal balls, placed 2" apart, and allowed to rise, covered until they touch.
baked for 25 minutes, and rubbed with olive oil while still hot out the oven.
these buns do something extra special in your face.
and when buttered and pan toasted, they do something terrible to your waist.
-

the seeds add crawnch.
the burger is wholesome and terrific and big and yummy as hell.
the onion is bright.
the slaw is clean.
the carrots are sweet.
it needed one more thing-
sriracha mayo.
and then, it was perfect.
ultimate vegan GF burgers.
i told you-
lemme find out how to make GF vegan bread that's good,
and i'll retire somewhere warm while all my money woes disappear.
*
i'm missing out and i feel it in my whole body.
also, i feel SO fat in there, too.
that's six separate sandwiches already,
and it was only the third day of sandwich week.
too much is the right amount,
and not enough of the right people is kinda killing me.
my hands don't know how to be regular.
i'm having a hard time doing without,
and especially when i'm not grabbing ANY of the right places.
i know it.
i hate it.
i'm cold.
and i feel it everywhere;
never quiet, never soft.....

FOCACCIA!

olive oil, y'all.

it's good for you.

and when you use it to activate a from-scratch loaf of focaccia?

well, you're just investing in your own well-being.

a sea-salt topped, buttery-edged, olive-oiled rectangle of terrific.

that's what i was working with.

i'm really overdoing it.

i don't know what else to do.

i made some sort of supersavory mushroom sandwich,

and it really left me barefoot, bro.

uh-huh.

.....because it rocked my F*ing socks OFF.

WOW.

is that grainy, chunky, whole-seed mustard on the bottom?

it is.

and is that a ton of wilted spinach over that?

it is.

and would those be french-fried onions by the heaping handful?

F* yes.

look:

blackened tomatoes on top of those heroic thick portobello mushroom slabs

give it just a little slippery sweet in alternating bites of delight.

the mushrooms were sea salted, softened, and then upgraded, man.

olive oil, balsamic vinegar, and tamari, 

with a shake of GPOP to give 'em something to work with,

and then a dusting of nootch to really overload your tastebuds with greatness.

-

how about the aioli????

four cloves of pressed roasted garlic, a pinch of nootch, a literal drip of malt vinegar,

and vegan mayo, for the richest, dreamiest sandwich treatment in years.

this muthab!tch had 111% expert written all over it from the start.

and it began with the bread:

JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEZ.

look at the texture of that buttery sweet golden good thang.

i have so much more of it, too.

DAAAAMN.

here's the recipe.

too much is the right amount.

believe it.

i've made so many sandwiches that there's a lotta overlap these days.

and my memory isn't doing it's job like it used to-

so repetition is more frequent.

i've got variations on a theme here and there and everywhere;

and the weeks and the days and the sandwiches all sort of start to blur together.

that's okay.

they taste amazing,

and they tell a story.

food as a narrative of an artist's journey.

to be continued;

never quiet, never soft.....

SNOW DAY❆

yeah.
a snow day.❆
that means ANYthing can happen.
y'know what definitely did happen?
yup.
sandwiches.
i mean, OBVI, right?
and i worked, doing a few repeat clients, between answering emails
and cybermonday holiday shopping.
mmhmm.
so, how did i manage to endure the day's doo-doo buttery slush, slop, ice, and cold?
i ate some of the most flavorful bread-bordered big action i've ever had.
no joke.
look:

sandwich week is powerful stuff.
we got that good bread i wrote about yesterday.
it's really something.
and there's oil and salt and pepper and Garlic Powder and Onion Powder tossed
slivered fingerling potatoes, in red and white, roasted in a 400 oven,
to critical crispness.
those made this molto molto expert.
i have tempeh bacon in there, because i want it every damned day;
and caramelized sweet onion, too.
that's a double dose of rich, hearty, slippery, sweet flavor for your face.
the tofu?
neighbors-
that tofu was something new and exciting.
exxxtra-firm, wet, but drained,
dredged in a combo of:
non-GMO organic cornstarch, chickpea flour, salt, pepper,
powdered powerful pimenton pepper, dried shallot,
and fire-roasted tomato sprankles.

yo, on the ones-
when i'm having trouble expressing myself?
i make some F*ing wild food as a result.
i fried those up in hot refined coconut oil, and they got crisp, and fulllll of huge taste.
i toasted the bread,
i slathered on some mayo, i added romaine tops for roughage and color,
and some pickles, because this kind of thing demands pickles.
and i listen to what the sandwiches say.
am i a sandwich savant? i believe i very well might be.
it's almost like all the interpersonal acuity, intuitive social insight,
and navigable superficial interaction that ordinary people naturally possess
were all converted into making food that looks and tastes incredible,
and unique, and expressive in me.
my food is a much kinder and more authentic version of myself
than any bullsh!t performance as albie rock has ever been.
i'm not being weird, i'm telling you the truth.
complicated, conscious, conscientious, competent, compassionate, considerate-
that's what i am when i'm cooking.
all the loud, fresh, hardness is superfluous,
and i just say what i mean with spoons and pans and sh!t.
there's probably a way to exchange some of that,
i just don't even know where to begin.
with the bread, probably.
it isn't a sandwich without bread.
wait.
what are we talking about?
***********
my very wealthy new neighbor improved his home a great deal.
yesterday, that cost me over six hundred dollars.
that's not a joke.
his vastly improved home, which serves as astark contrast to the eclectic,
eccentric dilapidation of the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,
is so much nicer now that he's take ownership that the actual town
was worried that plowing our road would harm his property,
and thus opted NOT to plow our publicly maintained road.
as a group, the rest of the homeowners (sans uncle pennybags)
petitioned the selectmen, and they determined that if he were to UNimprove
a section of landscaped yard, they'd be able to turn around and
maneuver the road and would therefore maintain the road this winter.
somebody, (not me), offered to pay for the 'repair' amongst us all.
and yesterday, the doorbell rang, and my horrorshow mudroom
had one of my other neighbors in it, with an invoice for six hundred plus bucks.
i appreciate being included in neighborhood events.
there's ONLY four homes on the street.
however,
after NOvember being such a banner month for bammer months,
six hundred extra deficit dollars disappearing first thing was discouraging
when what i get for the money is exactly what i already had for free...
how long does drowning take?
it feels like almost forty-four years of slowly losing breath and getting swept away by
the flow of pressure and dark and cold are catching up right now.
thank F*ing goodness i was all sorts of full from sandwiches.
i let that hold down all the feelings of embarrassment about my old, busted house.
for a second, i saw that entryway through new eyes,
and i wanted to die about it.
there's costumes and cardboard, old comics and weird sticks,
wizard staves and recyclables,
a gardening bench with assorted half-art and craft crap,
paintings and foam and trash.
i'm overwhelmed a lot, and i shut out a lot, but i saw it, and now i can't stop thinking about it.
today is another snow day.
i need to burn half of what's in that room to ash,
as soon as i'm finished eating sandwiches;
never quiet, never soft.....

SANDWICHES FOREVER

fresh baked semolina sub rolls,
buttered and toasted and ready to make some kind of magic
exxxplode across the universe and converge in an orgiastic concentration
of excellent flavor and intense texture right in your mouth.
yup.
y'can't have sandwich week without bread.
it's very important.
i gotta figure out how to make gluten-free vegan bread.
if i get that right, i'll be the wonderful wizard of sandwich sorcery.
meanwhile,
i'm baking focaccia this morning.
yesterday, however, i was a hoe for hoagies.
ha.
ugh.
check it out:

WORRRRRRRRRRRRRD.
pan-seared slabs of red lentil seitan sausage,
fried with olive oil and veggie broth to get the right blend of steam, sizzle, and brown.
that's how you make it POP, papa.
with arugula and radicchio,
and gala apple sticks, for crunch, and sweetness, and bitterness, all in one place.
the bottom of the toasty bread is smeared with a slathered-on splat of
vanilla-kissed cider-stewed cranberry SAUCE.
as bosslike as ever, the sauce takes you to another level of taste.
and there's leeks, caramelized in a pan already full of tempeh bacon crackles-
that's flavor-flav on top of flavor, friends.
with toasted pecans for crunch,
and fried garlic chip sprankles.
you need 'em, and i got 'em, and they are something special.
unless you're terrible, or allergic to deliciousness, you already know.
oh,
and vegan mayo to lube up your whole life, on top of the buttery toastiness.

too much is the right amount.
always and forever.
it'll never be enough.
i mean,
it ALL goes together to make a big picture.
i have all this love in my heart, and nowehere to put it,
so i'm plating it up and devouring it.
i'm a wild thing, albeit the most boring one.
i will eat you up, though, because i love you so,
even if there's a sandwich standing in as a surrogate sacrifice.
that's better, anyway, on all counts, i think.
don't eat living beings, bro.
it's lame af.
but LOOK at all this amazing sh!t:

wow.
and that bread made each and every tastebud do a backflip.
-
*
GOOD BREAD!
-
1 cup of king arthur bread flour;
1/2 cup king arthur all-purpose flour;
1/3 cup semolina flour;
1 tsp sea salt;
2 T olive oil;
1 pkg fast actin' yeast;
>1 cup warm water-
knead it for 11 minutes,
let it rise for thirty, divide it in 3, shape it...
let those rise on parchment, an inch or two apart, for thirty more minutes,
oil the tops,
cut some slits,
and bake 'em at 375℉ for thirty.
what do you get?
you get to eat the best bread.
that's a fact.
*
it's a snow day,
but of course, it's also NOT one.
i mean, ANYthing could happen,
but i'm wagering that even after saying the thing about the two bunnies
when i woke up yesterday,
whatever actually happens will NOT be expert.
nope.
it's the holiday season, and bad weather,
and nothing makes more people need to travel in the north
than a combination of those two things.
so, today i'll be at AMPERSAND TATTOO,
doing little tattoos and talking to moms who want gift cards for their kids.
i can't wait.
being cold and mostly by myself is a non-stop scene today.
there will be sandwiches, though.
and that's something to be glad about.
little notes to myself to remind me that i am talented,
even when it matters little to not at all;
never quiet, never soft.....

SANDWICH WEEK!!!

damn it fools good to eat a sandwich.
yup.
for breakfast on sunday, the first day of december,
i made myself something sweet.
and when you make all the things,
all the things make you right back, buddy.
look:

CINNAMON SWIRL WAFFLE SANDWICH!!
mmmm.
oatmeal cinnamon-swirl waffles,
tempeh bacon,
red onion,
chick pea omelette,
fried tofu,
homemade red lentil seitan maple breakfast sausage patty,
romaine,
real maple syrup.
stacks on stacks on stacks.
that's a lot of greatness to jump off the dock and into the wild, raging,
stormswept waters that make up the umami tsunami of sandwich week.
real talk.

there's a disc of cinnamon spiral pastry pressed into the center of every waffle.
that's fancy.
and the waffles are the best. just like they always are.
here's the recipe.
the chickpea omelette is just:
1/3 cup chick pea flour;
a dash of black salt;
a heavy shake of GPOP;
2 tsp nootch;
black pepper, turmeric, and smoked paprika,
and 1/3 + 2 T non-dairy milk.
stirred and fried and flipped once like a pancake.
mmhmmmmm.
the tofu is just sliced thin exxxtra-firm and fried in coconut oil.
a little s & p and GP & OP, too.
to turn up the flavor to eleven.
tempeh bacon is the TRUTH.
here's that recipe.
add that from-scratch red lentil seitan breakfast sausage,
and you're eating a miracle.
i added a little maple extract, and vegetable stock, to further activate the intense flavor
of that powerhouse of protein.
it's got all the spices, all the flavor, a great texture, and with the fry-up,
it only gets bigger and better.
this is how we do it.
-

lettuce and onion and real maple syrup all combine to make something great even better.
too much is the right amount.
that's the only way to get out all the feelings and fill up on more of them.
it's a massive megadose of emotional expression, and repression,
in succession.
*
the breakfast sandwich is becoming kind of a thing.
i really like it.
and i will be doing it again next time.
i pickled some cauliflower this morning, with carrots and boiling onions
and curry powder and all the pickling seeds, in malt vinegar.
i know, neighbors.
it's all a process.
my whole F*ing sh!t-hot mess of a life is a looong drawn-out process.
i'm methodical in what i do,
and patient in ways i don't give myself much credit for-
probably because the far more obvious impatience i express over
every minor inconvenience is much more visible in the day to day.
i'm getting a little better at being better,
but i'm feeling like a failure at almost everything...
except sandwiches.
i'm a superhero at those;
never quiet, never soft.....

RABBIT! RRRRRRRRRRRRRABBIT!

i said the thing.
out loud. loud, in fact, as soon as my eyes snapped open,
i was wide awake, and my mouth was spitting out syllables.
uh-huh.
i want that cultivated coincidence to work for me.
the magnetic attraction of fortune's favor.
the summoned spirit of good F*ing luck.
that's mathematical odds and probability influenced by saying the same word twice.
not-so-super, these superstition traditions, y'know?
but i said it and i meant it:
rabbit! rabbit!
yeah.
and then i turned on the oven to make bread.
mmhmmm.
rules is rules, man.
and the first fell on a sunday.
so that's all there is to it.
yup.
sandwich week is here.
that's dope.
and it isn't piece-of-sh!t NOvember anymore!!
that's expert.
two things that i'm grateful for, on the same day,
and neither relied on me talking about bunnies, bro.

wanna see the loaf of bread i baked,
after i got that oven hot?
you do?
ok.
check the teleport:

good bread makes better people;
and better people, using better bread, make the BEST sandwiches.
that's a fact.
i can't wait to press a couple of slices under a hot cast-iron,
and leave those sexxxy griddle marks all up on 'em.
i told you, already.
food is what sharpens the sword in my soul.
***********
i can't sleep right anymore.
i fall asleep very early, because i get up too early.
i get up too early because i can't sleep.
and in the middle of the night?
i get up and move around for an hour.
how did this happen?
beats me.
also, it beats me UP.
i've been exercising before bed to try to tire myself out.
i dunno if that works or not.
i mean, i'm wrapped up in layers and layers walking crabtree before work,
getting all sweaty uphill dragging his reluctant and recalcitrant little DDI butt
up all the streets and trails while he slowwwwwwwwwly pees on everything
in case another animal wonders if he existed seven feet from his last blast of hot urine..
and i have a schedule for him, so that my time at AMPERSAND TATTOO
doesn't leave him kenneled overlong, so during this week of nothing but bread,
i gotta exercise at night.
why?
because the light is trash after 2 pm,
and i want to document the beauty, the glory, the glistening goodness,
and the visible depth and breadth of flavor and craftsmanship
in every F*ing sandwich all week long...
and that means cooking in the morning, and working it off in the evenings.
that's just what it is, neighbors.
i'm secretly hoping that makes me more tired.'
i probably have to exercise a LOT harder.
being distracted by exercise is good on long cold dark lonely nights.
being distracted while exercising just makes pushing up a lot harder to do well.
i don't see what i'm looking for,
i don't feel like i'm supposed to,
and i can't sleep so i've got foghead and a headache and bleary eyes by three p.m.
also, i need fluorescent-style LEDs for the studio.
it's getting as dark inside there as it in my outlook;
never quiet, never soft.....