bananas.

y'know something, neighbors?
i think i'm kind of whatever about bananas.
i'm serious.
i never ever ever just want to peel and eat a nanner.
never.
the thing of it is-
i'll terrorize some bananas and stuff.
the and-stuff additives are essential to my enjoyment of the yellow crescents.
no foolin',
in the spirit of adding excellence and overdoing it,
and in keeping with the custom of too much being the right amount,
i and-stuffed the sh!t out of some bananas,
and made them way more expert.
that's the truth.
check the vaguely-butthole-ish-type teleport:

chocolate banana creme pie!!!
hahahahahah.
sucio.
cocoa-saturated graham crackery crust,
hand-pressed into the prefect proportion on thick and crumbly hottness.
because that's the foundation we're basing this whole project on.
can't have weak diaperbaby sh!t ruining it from the jump-off, can we?
c'mon.
don't be dumb.
and then,
instead of using my normal silken tofu substrate,
i just activated way more bananas to mix and meld the chocolate into,
yeah.
a little tapioca to bind it and thicken it all,
a splash of vanilla,
and then the melted chocolate jauns, with added cocoa and sugar and soymilk,
for smoother and more elite texture later on.
i whipped the sass out of that tuff stuff,
and poured it right in there.
once it cooled off,
sliced 'nanas and chocolate frosting brought the 'schuan level to eleven,
and then we took it a step beyond that,
with shaved-up dark chocolate sprankles.
that's right.
i think i made it pretty good,
and i think there's only a slice left already.
that's proof, huh?
yep.
if you wanted to try it,
you'd better get to the tattbomb studio first thing,
or you're surely gonna miss out.
i'll share what i have,
but if it's gone, it's gone.
and honestly,
would it kill you to bring a big decaf black iced coffee with you?
i mean, really,
i get thirsty often.
hook it up;
never quiet, never soft.....

more sandwiches.

thai thursdays.
that's a thing.
i guess that's why this happened:

yep.
rules is rules.
yellow curry sandwiches.
coconut crusted tofu,
yellow pepper and sweet onion,
custom coconut curry sauce,
crunchy small salad greens,
and sriracha.
what is it you get when all that gets together?
you get the F* outta here if you don't wish you had some.
word up.
i'm just saying-
it's mutha-'ucking sandwich week.
and these sandwiches had a lot of appropriate adjectives applied:
simple;
elegant;
messy as heck;
delicious;
wet.
yeah.
even a buttered and browned ciabatta bread bun
couldn't absorb that sloppy turmeric-tinted curry.
it was everywhere.
yellow fingers and yellow mustache and yellow everything.
i'll bet my guts are getting dyed as i type.
yikes.
y'know what though, neighbors?
it's all worth it.
even when i don't feel like cooking.
or cleaning,
which, for the record,
beau actually handily handled before bouncing off in his new blue buick.
thai thursdays are our thing,
so, naturally, he was present and accounted for.
two sandwiches and the exact number of ingredients,
and too much sauce.
there's plenty of extra, for activating little somethin's here and there.
i like when i can add it in to other other jauns later on.
i'd rather have it and not need it, than need it and find myself lacking.
i doo-doo that overpreparedness-type sh!t.
***********
tattooing roses,
in different styles,
all dang day long?
yeah.
that happened.
and when i've got to try and converse with reticent and recalcitrant juggalos?
it never goes all that well.
so,
i needed extra fuel to maintain my one-sided motormouth conversations,
since i got no answers at all for hours other than 'i don't know'.
i mean it.
who doesn't know what they're good at,
or their favorite ice cream flavor,
or their favorite dinosaur?
like pulling teeth, trying to chat it up was become yesterday.
lucky for me,
i'd planned ahead,
and produced a vegan homemade roast, garlic hummus, carrot and lettuce
whole wheat really-really-everything burnt bagel sandwich.
check the teleport:

i saved my own day with a mouth-roof-shredding savage salt-crystal calamity.
and it was totally worth the grated palette to shark-attack that treat
midway through the rose marathon.
all my clients, all gettin' roses, all or 'em different an' that.
that clearly calls for a sandwich, am i right?
no?
what do you mean no?
well,
it got a sandwich, and it did the trick,
so,
i'm pretty sure i am right.
jeez.
*
and now,
here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,
it's breakfast time.
mmmhmmmm.
and breakfast calls for a sandwich, i think.
oh, c'mon.
you know it does.
check the stacks-on-stacks-type-teleport:

tofu and vegenaise and tomato and pink-baconic slices,
and more of that, on a muffin, friends.
it's good for me.
-
damn, duders-
sandwich week takes no prisoners.
the relief of knowing what's coming every day, however,
is a welcome respite from the daily grind.
i'm freakin' it off with breads and stuffs and that's a good reason to get gladdened.
so i'm gladdening.
that's real.
otherwise,
everything might actually never be all that great.
and i find that kind of horrifying.
therefore,
i'm getting amped up on sandwiches,
and i'm getting amped up on ampersands,
and i'm getting amped up on ampoules and echoes inside 'em with activated amplitude.
there's lots of amping,
and that's the best part.
and also sandwiches;
never quiet, never soft.....

heavy duty.

mocha!
that's that luxurious combination jauns, for your face.
i mean,
c'mon-
mocha!
coffee and chocolate.
y'know?
they love each other,
i love them separately,
and i adore them both blended together.
so,
i guess i had to heap the hottness in one big hunk,
and activate some treats that really drive home the mocha majesty.
that's real.
check the teleport, neighbors:

mocha double dark chocolate chocolate-chip-laced fudge brownies,
in individual extra-edge-endowed burly double-tall brick form.
mmhmmm.
so heavy, and so dense, and so moist, and so dark and rich and so on, etc.
yeah.
the baked-in chips really accentuate the chocolate,
so i need to imbue them with the extra-mochafied freshness of more coffee.
yep.
and when it comes time to create more,
double-espresso cream chee' frosting does the trick.
that way,
there's so much sugar and chocolate and coffee,
if you can't hang out,
it's because you're a weak-A* waterdiaper of a human,
and you aren't invited anyway.
that's the rule.
these massive monster cubes are really flippin' good, too.
i mean,
all the textures get together to get it going to eleven,
and then i get it all in my mouth as hard as i can.
just one bite left me sugarshocked for a second,
and the rest ramped up the berserker brainpower of my battle-beastly
inner infinite nature into the red.
uh-huh.
i'm fired up,
and fueled by furiously ferocious fattie treats.
today is the day, kids.
the loudest one,
all day long.
listen close....
that's me yelling.
you like it?
no?
well,
you may want to learn to,
because that's the way today is destined to play out;
never quiet, never soft.....

berfdays.

so,
it's the cucch's berfday.
but,
he isn't around anymore.
nope.
i mean it...
he left yesterday.
so,
i guess i'm celebrating all by myself.
mmhmm.
that's okay.
i love any reason to get expert.
and that's no joke.
how have i been activating all the minutes?
with bread and stuff.
obvi.
you all already know all about it.
that's right.
it's STILL sandwich week.
and that's reason enough without berfday times to get it poppin'.
check the 52-degrees-fahrenheit-outdoors-but-grillin'-anyway-type teleport:

mmmmhmmmm.
i doo-doo that complicated hot coals and time frames sh!t.
why?
because the big action is worth it when it gets munched up on.
that's factual reporting, neighbors.
colorful bell peppers,
a big-A portobello mushroom,
a seitan steak,
pea shoots,
blackened onions,
and that pretzel bread,
with asparagus and squash on the side,
because they wouldn't fit between the buns
(that's what she said)
a whole lot of effort for a couple 'guinis,
but oh so worth it.
did i mention the spicy blasamic soy glaze i basted those bastards with?
uh-huh.
expert.
*
so,
that was dinner.
but it was lunch that was really the burly butt nasty business.
i mean it.
tofu pups and leftover chili,
mooshed together in a sub roll?
suuuuuuper 'sgusting, but also equally soooo dope.
teleport:

yikes.
that's what fat people do.
i guess that's me, now.
***********
morning means more sandwiches.
i know,
it's all real,
and it's all really happening.
that's the whole point.
my life is all bread and filling, all the time,
and that's just the way it is.
check the elvis-type teleport:

cinnamon brown sugar toasted bagel magic,
with chunky crunchy peanut butter,
and bananas?
mmmm.
if it ain't sandwiches,
it ain't sh!t.
that's the way we do during sandwich week.
the rules are in place for our own protection.
that's a thing.
*
too much, too often.
there's a system for celebrating,
and the first component is overdoing it,
the second is overreacting,
and the third is overestimating yourself.
that way,
it definitely hurts in the long run.
when it's broken,
it's fixed.
that's it;
never quiet, never soft.....

so fat.

i'll give you the rundown, neighbors-
double bacon chili cheeseburgers.
how fat?
how sloppy?
how gluttonous?
how gross?
how expert??
all of that, just for dinner,
to eleven.
too much is the right amount,
and therefore,
these particular little big ol' 'guinis are just right.
check the tubby-double-trouble-type teleport:

woah!!!
kids,
just look at how thick those massive mutha-'uckers are.
they're pretty heavy, too.
i mean it.
double seitan slabs, medallion-style seared,
after being dredged in flour and spicy cayenne spice.
two of 'em!
so burly,
especially when in-between there're layers of bacony brick-colored circles.
because the cucch insisted,
'if we're doing chili cheeseburgers, we gotta have bacon on 'em'
and rules is rules, no matter what.
so, baconish happened, too.
what?
oh,
well,
that's a ciabatta bun, toasted and buttered and fried up,
and there's also two incredibly dense doses of chee', too;
a custom cashew-tofu-nootch-blasted blend to activate and act as a binder.
that's when you know it's gonna be a real bomber...
and really real bombin' is expert!
and then there's still two scoops of two bean/two-alarm poblano chili.
uh-huh.
hot and wet and red all over the place.
black and kidney jauns, poblano pepper, ho' sauce, sweet onion,
diced tomatoes, all the appropriate spices,
and a lot of simmering,
so that the butt-blasting barbarian brutality would really start doing it's thing.
mmmhmmm.
friends,
it's sandwich week,
and that means hurting ourselves.
because when it's broken, it's fixed,
and when it's overdone, we know we're on the right track.
y'know?
yeah.
we are clearly exactly where we're supposed to be.
***********
breakfast?
yeah.
breakfast!
what's on the plate today?
goddammit.
sandwiches.
are you even paying any attention?
teleport:

toasted whole wheat everything bagels,
because if they aren't whole wheat,
they're not everything, now, are they?
roasted garlic hummus,
sprouts, shredded carrots, and some ensalata mixte.
we forgot the ho' sauce,
but i think the hundred cloves of garlic in the chick pea paste
more than remedied any lack of self-harm we mishandled during
the construction of our farewell breakfast.
hmm?
yeah.
the cucch heads south again,
just in time to miss out on more sandwiches, and more big fun,
and go to work instead on his berfday tomorrow.
awww, man!
hard styles and heavy hearts ensue each and every time
when my ace hetero-life-partner leaves.
and he always leaves.
womp womp.
that's the way it works, anyway.
without the bitter,
the sweet is not as sweet.
we'll always have the sandwiches, though.
and that's well worth it;
never quiet, never soft.....

mexican monday?

torte.
y'know?
mexican sandwich jauns.
yeah.
vegan homestyle roast,
and avocado,
and pea shoots,
on a hoagie-styled lightly toasted bun,
with pinto bean burger medallions.
those were something-
sauteed shallot and garlic and green pepper and jalapeno pepper,
seasoned with nootch and black pepper and g.p.o.p.,
and cayenne pepper, and wheat gluten and soy flour and ho' sauce,
with a little smoked sea salt and smokier sweet paprika,
and a little punch of brown sugar, too.
mmmmmm.
check the teleport:

that's what the F* is UP, neighbors.
and it all got topped with cafe noche salsa,
courtesy of my special ladyfriend, amber.
we made it work,
mexico met sandwich week,
and we all got something better because of it.
word.
simple isn't always evil,
especially when we're all hungry,
and four folks need to fill their fat flippin' faces.
we made it work.
and that's what it's all about, anyway.
***********
breakfast made it's way to the waking world in the white mountains.
it always does.
me and the cucch aren't afraid to begin the day
with self-destructive behavior in the foldover format of
diabolical first-thing shark gluttony, either.
check the big-fat-sunovab!tchin'-type teleport:

panniecakes,
filled with tofuscramble with the fake bacon beige burnt right in.
the 'cakes were buttery,
and the syrup was abundant on the insides of those taco-type treats.
y'know-
for lubing up our larynx and allowing the largesse of our luxurious
early a.m. activation to fill our tubby blarpity guts.
mmmhmmm.
too much, too soon.
that's the way it's supposed to be.
what's up tonight?
i dunno, yet,
but it'll be portable,
and it'll be potent,m
and it'll be a portent of ill-intent if it doesn't include bread.
real talk,
real life,
really real,
no matter what;
never quiet, never soft.....  

what's for lunch?

ummm,
duh.
don't be dumb.
it's sandwich week.
c'mon.
what are you?
an A*-hole?
lunch sandwiches were the only thing to be considered on the menu!
teleport:

roasted garlic hummus,
cukes, tomatoes, and pea shoots on thick multigrain!
that gave me the nutrients,
and then my homegirl andra came in an got tattbombed.
check the color-pun-type teleport:

yep.
thirteen inches of shark,
tiger style,
for her butt and thigh.
sharks are always expert,
and they get their own week, too.
nice.
expert recognize expert, after all-
and with the power of an accidentally caffeinated iced coffee
i actively participated in the loudest, freshest, and hardest big action
available to my senses and my nonsenses all at once.
uh-huh.
*
my ace numero uno duder is up here in the woodsly goodness.
that's correct, neighbors-
the cucch is at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
that's so good,
sandwiches and early berfday times, and family togetherness?
yes.
it's all really happening,
and that's the whole point;
never quiet, never soft.....

sandwich week, day two.

first,
you quarter a block of tempeh,
and boil it a little bit in broth.
that makes it supersoft, succulent,
and keeps away the hard, dry, out-of-the-package texture
that isn't really what anybody is looking for in a filling.
y'know?
oh,
and then it gets breaded in nootch, and flour, and tapioca starch,
and g.p.o.p., and black pepper forever and ever,
before being browned up to a crispy outside,
with that seasoned and superlatively tender inside-
that makes it go from good to even better.
that's tempeh done right, kids.
caramelized vidalia onions!
because those slimy circles are actually the sweetest things.
and we even added a pinch of brown sugar to 'em to speed it up some.
that's not exactly gonna break our diet, now is it?
ha.
no way.
springtime mixed baby greens,
and sriracha/chipotle vegenaise spread thick to lube the whole thing up,
on a one-side-fried buttered brown burgery bun,
with thinly sliced raw jalapenos for crunch and super-spice????
neighbors,
i know you're all about it.
y'gotta be.
i mean,
after all,
it's sandwich week.
check the teleport:

yeah!!!
oh,
and right now?
uh-huh.
this is happening.
teleport:

expert.
different faker-bacon,
thick fried salt-n-pepper tofu,
butt-ers,
between the nooks and crannies of an english-style whole wheat muffin.
because it's sandwich week in the morning, too.
***********
there're tattoo plans,
and building plans,
and meal plans,
and vacation plans,
and future plans,
and all of them are subject to the whim of the arbitrary and capricious
seditious and ostentatious secret universal plan.
dang.
that means none of those plans are set in stone,
written in indelible ink,
or guaranteed to have any hope of being successful.
it also means they might be bigger and better than we think.
who knows?
i'm sayin',
that's why it's secret.
today is the day, either way,
for great accomplishments or heroic failures,
and for all the feats and foibles and feasts that we can manage.
and sandwiches.
no matter what,
there will be sandwiches;
never quiet, never soft.....

rrrrrabbitrabbbbbbit.

...any day in june, goon.
that's right.
actually,
the first day in june.
and that means i said the magic words,
because i am not an A*-hole.
yep.
rabbit, rabbit!
nothing fancy.
i just do what needs doing.
rules is rules.
and speaking of-
the junebug shutterbug bugout is in full effect.
what?
oh.
well, obviously,
i've got to take pictures all week of all the food we're gonna destroy.
y'know?
real-life documentarian records of the new fresh treats,
themed and site-specific an' all that good stuff.
y'KNOW?
no?!
c'mon.
yes, you do.
ugh. you don't?
damn.
but,
you remember what happens when a month begins on a sunday, yes?
jeez. i just told you yesterday.
awww,
you didn't read it?
big surprise.
ok.
well,
i'll tell you, but only because i'm too excited to be disappointed.
it's sandwich week!!!!!
neighbors,
sunday to sunday,
it's all sandwiches all the time all eight days in a row.
uh-huh.
that's a thing.
and i hope you are celebrating wherever you are,
because special occasions are ours for the making.
up here in the woodsly goodness,
it's time for cupboard-stocking refrigerator-filling grocery shopping for sure.
gotta get the buns and loaves and baps and biscuits,
because they're ALL getting filled up for the whole dang week.
in really real life,
i'm not even feeling it.....yet.
but i'll summon up some berserker barbarian dagwood stack-selection
before the end of this day has me making those tasty handheld hottnesses.
yeah.
hell,
i even started this whole morning off with the appropriate response.
check the day-one-take-one-do-it-live-type teleport:

you got it, guys-
that's a F*ing breakfast sandwich!!
multigrain french toast, maple syruped on the inside,
with dry-fried tofu and faker than ever brick-colored bacon-style sticks.
i mean,
it's sandwich week.
i hope you're getting it.
and if you aren't,
you're getting ready to get with it, get on it, or get after it.
this is what's happening this week.
get used to it;
never quiet, never soft.....

may nots.

and the month of may is over and out, now, too.
jeez.
it all goes by way too fast.
another 'nother page on the calendar,
down to it's last gasps for breath-
already,
the clock is ticking down towards june at a breakneck pace.
the ticks and the tocks are building momentum, it seems,
and this day is determined to drag on and drag race simultaneously.
whoa.
is it currently cold and rainy?
of course it is.
c'mon.
nobody leaves with the title, neighbors.
you already knew that.
time's up, again,
and up and at 'em, too.
there's some small consolation in all the may flowers blooming
all over the gardens in the ground and in containers an' that.
and ever more consoling to my attentuated temporal sensibilities?
a new plant baby for my face!
yeah!
i got a present from my sweet lady, and it has petals.
amber hooked it up during a short-and-sweet pop-over last night.
seems she's in high demand for her time and her company,
but she still made time to come by and span a moment or two....
and she brought a new amber-colored orchid with her.
teleport:

mmmhmm.
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress is a treasure hoard of botanical diversity.
that's a thing.
and it is now also +1 on the variety of flowers beautifying it's beat-up boards.
nice.
***********
june starts on a sunday?!?!
yep.
y'know what that means?
that's correct!
any month that starts on a sunday also kicks off with something special.
how special?
well,
it's special to me and my peoples, even if y'all couldn't care less.
really.
when day numero uno starts on the far left top corner of the calendar,
it kicks off seven full days of dopeness...... between slices of bread.
get it?
yeah, you got it.
tomorrow marks the start of sandwich week.
because sandwiches are expert,
and so are we.
get ready, guys.
it's the way it works around here.
rules is rules,
and weeks is weeks.
this time is sandwich time.
until next time;
never quiet, never soft.....

you rock, rock.

this rock just sits,
and is.
and sometimes,
that's what we need.
hahaha.
no?
oh.
okay.
well,
when it came time to rock yesterday,
me and my buddy beau had it going on.
we took his semi-injured rockmobile,
which actually performed admirably and acquitted itself with full honors,
as we climbed through the triumphant trails of the white mountains,
on recently reopened roads,
helping ourselves, discreetly,
to the best and the biggest and the burliest granite slabs
and slate spikes and limestone lintels.
uh huh.
seven sisters of earthly hard hearted hottness.
check the teleport:

word up.
y'know what my garden already has several literal tons of?
yeah!
rocks.
therefore,
it needs more, right?
c'mon.
of course it does!
two-and-a-half footers are just right for manhandling alone,
and even better suited for two-man huckin' into the back of a truck.
expert.
we did what we set out to do,
and there are still plenty of roads to rock with rocks.
i'm glad i had the help,
and i'm glad we ate indian food first, too.
that's largely unrelated,
but i AM glad about it anyway.
india brown blops powered our pectorals, probably.
i mean,
it's pretty likely we did a better job because we had all the nutrients in us.
 and those rocks are proof we were successful, either way.
i can't wait to stand 'em up in the garden,
and let them reach towards the trees lookin' all power-charged druidic an' that.
we create because we have to,
we destroy because we want to,
and either way,
it's all what's really happening.
i'm glad about that;
never quiet, never soft.....