DIRTY DUMPZZZ!!!!!

bros,
dinnertime, tho.
i'm serious.
you've got to rep dinnertime hard.
i thought i might have company.
....but i was mistaken.
i thought that i'd take it easy, instead.
...but i was mistaken.
see, here's the thing-
on wednesday, i prepped for success.
yup.
i made two types of fresh and flavorful fillings,
to stuff in some powerful pinched pouches,
and produce the super-elite expert excellence that i've come to expect
from my custom often-emulated super-offical molto-popular dumplings.
YUP.
DUMPLINGS!!!
dumplings are the TRUTH, son,.
real talk.
a big bowl of hot dumps is the source of much sorcery in this place.
ha.
i mean it.
dumplings are good.
super good.
turbo good,
and when you've got two types?!
F* yeah! that's twice as much awesome,
and cause for celebration,
even if you're eating solo.
(because that means the same number of dumps, divided by less mouths)
friends,
check the teleport:

DUMPS ON YOUR FAAAAAAAAACE!!!
potstickers in full effect,
red oil jauns in even fuller effect,
three sauces,
and a little salad to keep it fresh.
yup yup YUP:
too much is the right amount.
there were even more dumplestiltskins than pictured.
all told, i had like twenty-something, straight to the dome.
*
the red oil jauns were simple...
-
a cup and a half of sesame oil-seared minced seitan,
with two cloves of crushed garlic,
splashed with a tablespoonful of soy sauce,
a little bit of GPOP and ginger,
and a 1/4 cup chopped scallion added at the end
all that, folded and tucked in a simple dough, bro.
-
2/3 cup flour;
3 T warm water;
a dash of pink salt;
(add more water or flour to make a soft ball of pliable goodness,
roll out, cut out all the 3.5" circles, (about 8)
and fill 'em up with that tasty business.
fold, tuck, and join the edges,
so you've got sexxxy little dumpy balls to work with with.
give 'em a little minute to set,
and boil 'em in salty water until they float.
the red oil is good for you, too.
-
3 T garlic oil;
1/2 tsp cayenne;
1/2 tsp hot paprika;
1/2 tsp red pepper flakes;
11 turns of the sriracha flake grinder;
-
and i even made a bit MORE, with cayenne ho'sauce,
for MORE bumbum BOOMfire on the side, just in case
(and i used it, of course)
garnished with just a few sprigs of cilantro,
to make it pretty, and activate a little bit of cool in among that much hot fire.
smart.
*
and those sesame potstickers?!
c'mon.
that's the big action every damned time.
YEAH!!
-
first off, that dough had it poppin'-
i regularly eff up the dry/wet ratio,
and fix it in post-production-
-
i started with 1 cup o' flour;
added a dash of salt;
(skipped the rice flour, just because the light was failing, and time was of the essence,
although it's more absorptive, and would've probably saved time in the long run)
1 T black'n'white sesame sossamons;
1/3 cup warm water.
was it too wet?
yeah.
so did i add more flour?
dude, c'mon...
obviously.
all told,
i went heavy on the rolling surface,
and had about 1 1/4 cups flour IN the dough, too.
anyway,
i cut out like 18 fat dump wraps, lookin' thiqqq AF,
and put some of that new-new in each and every one-
that's right.
the tofu oracle from the future had me on some other otherness, and it was DOPE.
-
1/2+ block exxtra-firm tofu, drained, and cubed all sorts of tiny-like;
2 cloves crushed garlic;
1/4 cup finely chopped onion;
2 T sesame seed sossamons;
4 T minced yellow carrot;
4 T minced peeled celeriac;
8 shredded medium sized brussels sprouts;
2 T sesame oil + 2 T veg oil for pan frying,
GPOP, ginger, coriander, and dried mustard,
a dash of rice wine vinegar to get things wilty,
and 2 T tamari to give it the nice.
-
like i told you, i prepped it i advance, so it was cool,
and marinated, and ready to go, bro.
so good.
each pouch was tucked up tight, and pinched together with a sweet crimp
that absolutely dissolved under the rigors of a blast of heady-lidded steam/fry up action.
awwwwwwww.
happily, their taste was completely unaffected.
pan fried for a minute in HOT sesame oil,
then blasted with a few tablespoons of seitan broth,
covered, and cooked until the juice evaporated, was absorbed, or whatever....
then, flipped over and given a sear-up on the sides, too!
you gotta get that good-good finish to 'em,
or you're missing out on an opportunity to get molto expert in only an extra minute more.
do that, dudes, it's worth it.
*
and that sauce?
2 T tamari;
1/2 tsp sesame oil;
GPOP;
black pepper;
ginger;
1 tsp agave;
2 T rice wine vinegar;
1/2 tsp dried mustard;
1/4 tsp ginger;
2 tsp scallions;
1/4 tsp toasted sesame seeds;
100% pure expertism.
get on it.
and that wasn't the only sauce, either.
i mean, i told you about red oil redux,
but how about that smoky soy/sriracha/sesame sh!t?!?!
that's riiiiiiiight.
too much is the right amount.
how many times do i have to remind you?
-
1 T sriracha;
1 T toasted sesame seeds;
1 tsp tamari;
1 dash of liquid smoke;
GPOP;
1 drop of garlic oil.
how good is it?
....i could probably do a shot of it.
that's pretty good, no?
-
dumplings are on my short lis of most awesome things.
you bite one end,
you dip it in the brown, you dab it in the red,
and you fire each one into your head, like a grenade,
and let those taste exxxplosions awaken your inner awesome,
bite after bite after bite after bite.
it's the way to make a hot day cool,
and the way to take a weak no-show day and make it fresh-to-death fo'sho'.
mmmmmmmmhmmmmmmmmm.
if you don't love dumplings, you're a jerk,
and i don't want you around.
that's a decree set in stone.
i'm passionate about my food, friends.
and i don't play around when it comes to who gets an invite.
*
tonight is the night.
just like every night.
and i'm ready for it.
i've got stacks of cardboard,
and heaps of paper products begging to be burnt.
however,
the air is dry, and the wind is whipping,
so its just possible tonight is the first night of a major new hampshire forest fire, too.
or,
i could begin demolition on the woodshed,
or the waterdamaged walls,
or even clear up one of those battlescarred back rooms
of this Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
anything can happen on a friday night,
most likely, it won't be any of the things i've listed.
and in between,
i've got tattoos to do, and miles to walk beforehand.
it's all really happening,
the must-do's
and the might be's,
and the should not's, as well.
we'll see where today takes us,
besides straight down the tubes.
my body is fueled by dumplings, so i'm wagering
that it's at peak performance, no matter what ends up unfolding
along the mysterious creases and folds of this universal blueprint
of activity and longevity and proclivities and lividity.
wow.
basically,
it's all up in the air,
and i'm curious to see where today takes me;
never quiet, never soft.....

APPLE BLUEBERRY!!!

eating breakfast is good.

i mean,

after you've reluctantly dome a little sleeping, 

which is a whole span of time where no eating is happening,

you've been missing out on,

and you've gotta make up for it.

y'know?

and then, boom, just like that, breakfast shows up,

right on time, to start the day with something expert.

at least,

that's how it goes here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress, anyway.

y'all might be effin'  around with smoothie bowls, or cereal bowls,

but me? i'm reppin' cake for brekkie.

yup.

i have a thing i like to do.

it's no big deal or anything.

i just like to get up and get after it and make something super-elite

to stuff into the hungry hole in my head.

mmmmhmmmm.

sure, i could've just had a pancake.

in fact,

that's a pretty good idea.

panniecakes are also awesome.

but i chose cake.

a big fat burly slice of especially hearty hottness,

homemade, and made with love, 

all just because i indulge my compulsive infinite nature

with flour and fruit and everything nice like sugar and spice.

uh-huh.

so,

cake, man.

that's a thing.

check the apple-blueberry-type teleport:

BREAKFAST!!!!

or lunch or snacktime or dinner or dessert...

anytime is a good time to tune up a slice of cake.

i had mine activated with a few fresh fixin's, too.

after all,

if cake is great to start the day with,

then cake taken to eleven has to be even better.

look:

a la mode!!!

a scoople of coconut vanilla nice cream,

and a drizzle of homemade blueberry syrup?!

heck yes.

too much is the right amount!

the driz' is super easy-

a tablespoon of blueberry jam, 

a teaspoon of agave,

a splash of water,

and some heat, to liquify the lumps, and make it pourable.

it'll thicken quickly when it's away from heat, 

so be ready to eat fast.

as a matter of fact,

always be ready to eat fast.

it's good to be prepared for a flash-feeding-frenzy, just in case you find yourself

in a pop-up smorgasbord someday....

you wouldn't want to be the weakest shark in the berserker binge, wouldja?

c'mon.

ANYway,

cake, tho.

here's what i did to make it happen:

-

*

-

preheat your oven to ≅360℉.

in a large mixing bowl, combine

1 cup brown sugar;

1 stick (8T) vegan butter; 

2 tsp vanilla;

1/2 tsp salt.

(by now, you'll have noticed that this is the golden combination.

the beginnings of almost everything expert include that mystical mixture)

stir in:

3/4 cup non-dairy yogurt,

and add 3 medium apples, peeled, cored, and minced.

now, for all the dry stuff:

2 1/4 cups a.p. flour;

2 tsp cinnamon;

1/2 tsp ginger;

2 tsp bakey powpow;

1 tsp bakey soda;

and to fully develop a batter, you'll need that liquid-

3/4 cup non-dairy 'milk, plus 1 T lemon juice-

fold all that into a batter,

and add it to your greased and floured pan.

if i was doing this again,

i'd use a brownie pan, for a more even baking result.

i gave it well over 45 minutes, before it settled dow enough to call done.

had it been shallower, i assume it'd behave more like a cake,

and less like a wet A*hole.

you've been warned.

also,

because too much IS the right amount,

i  added a cup of frozen wild maine bloobs to the top.

again,

in a rectangle, it'd stay pretty tight,

but in a circle,

they sort of sank into the center, dragging out the baking process for ages.

womp womp.

also,

there's streusel on top.

i mean,

it's a brown sugary breakfast bomb after all,

and rules is rules, man.

-

that's 1/3 cup powdered sugar;

1/3 cup butter;

1 tsp vanilla;

1 tsp cinnamon;

1/2 cup oatflour;

3 T cup a.p. flour,

cut and cut and cut again, 

until everything was a stuck-together streus', 

crOmbled on top for the win.

-

mmmmmmmm.

so that's stacks on stacks on stacks,

baked and ready,

crusty along the outer rim, soft and berryful in tthe middle,

and sugarcookieish on top.

what could be better than that first thing in the morning?

nothing.

obvi.

...don't be dumb, duder.

yeah.

***********

now, it's friday again, somehow.

time travel seems to keep getting faster, 

like internet connections did in the early 00's.

you wanna know what's on mind?

what the F* is for dinner?

that's first and foremost in my thoughts.

also,

how the heck am i gonna ge away from all these bad bad biting black flies,

and sucky mosquitoes?

i looked like i was doing a manic edm dance, 

trying to swat and confound those starved little A*-holes.

they must be hella hungry after sleeping all year,

because normally, they'd eat almost anything BUT me. 

interestingly,

crabtree was unmolested by their pincers and pokers, 

so, 

i s'pose if i bear the brunt and he escapes unscathed,

i can live with that.

guys,

i love my dog a whole lot-

and for all the haters out there who didn't think i was even capable 

of such large-capacity devotion to another living being,

let me be the first one to take umbrage,

and also the one to retort out loud-

i hope your cat gets AIDS.

yikes!

hahahahaha.

...but, for real, tho, bye bye dumb cats.

i know, that's a terrible sentiment for a vegan, right/

WRONG.

cats are the worst.

also,

i don't even care about ALL dogs.

nope,

i can't hang out with most of them, 

just like i can't hang out with most folks.

interestingly enough,

i ignore the dogs there are the most of,

much the same as i blur and erase the memory of the most common people.

jeez, that's some sh!t, huh?

yeah.

i've always been, and will likely always be, something of an elitist.

i like what i like, and everything else can choke on a cherry pit.

that said,

i have a boundless limitless heart of (quick)silver and (fool's)gold

that i give to people and places that deserve it.

and also to some terrible ladies.

mmhmm.

it turns out superficial shallowness begets big probsies on the back end.

you'd think i'd learn after all these years,

but, that's not how it works, is it?

sometimes, 

you choose the wrench;

and other times,

the wrench chooses you.

shoutouts to being the chosen one, time and again,

and also, shouts to my dog, for getting chosen,

and repaying me with countless hours of family togetherness.

i'm grateful for his lack of thumbs, lest he open the door and run away forever.

the wrench, brother.

it always finds a way to turn;

never quiet, never soft.....

FRIENDLY FO'!!!

focaccia is too damned good.
that's what i was thinking as i tore into a little MORE of it,
as i finished eating a herculean serving of sustenance,
with a side order of exxxtra focaccia.
mmmhmmmm.
neighbors,
i did something pretty epic,
although the internet largely ignored it.
ha!
my mouth and stomach, on the other hand?
they enjoyed each and every morsel, right down to the crumbs.
that's for real.
check the teleport:

kaBOOOOOOOOM!!!
jeez, that's an awful lot of food for one person.
then again,
too much is the right amount!!!
i made sure to overdo it, and add in all the extra-exxxtras, as well.
i figured,
if i already had fresh fluffy, olive-oily, salty super-sexxxy bread,
it'd be that much easier to stack a whole sandwich up to the tippity-top tier
of the palatable pantheon of sarnies and 'guinis in heaven and on earth.
yuuuuuuuup.
tall orders are my favorite kind.
i had some homemade seitan on the stove,
and a headful of ideas about fattie-boombattie stack on stacks,
so i took the one, and used it to activate the other.
mmhmm.
i've covered baking up your very own focaccia here.
and homemade seitan gets described right over here.
so,
now that we're all caught up,
allow me to get into the dirty details-
wilted baby kale and chard are on the bottom of the toasted buns.
there's no need to butter 'em, either-
that focaccia is hella ready for that already.
anyway, the greens are on the bottom,
followed by caramelized shallots, tossed with quick-pickled hot radishes-
-
actually,
it's radish, carrot, and celeriac,
in a homemade pink salt black pepper and crushed red peppery apple-cider vinegar bath.
with a dash of sugar to really give it some ZIP, dudes.
honestly,
y'just boil the veg barely covered by the liquid, and allow it to cool.
you end up with something especially expert for the level of commitment it takes.
-
and then there's those seitan steaks.
breaded in garbanzo bean flour,
with GPOP, brown sugar, black pepper, smoked paprika, and thyme.
there's a small scoop of masa, and a small scoop of cornstarch, too.
i mean,
we wanna give it the ultimate toothsome bite, don't we?
yes, we do.
and we did.
or i did, and you will, too, if you're so inclined.
seared in a hot pan, with a tiny touch of olive oil, for a few minutes per side,
and there you have it-
another 'nother blast of awesomeness, savory and sexxxy, and ready for more toppings.
WORD.
like pickles,
and crispy fried onions.
that's the right call.
there's earthy notes from the leaves,
and sharp tang in the rad'ness,
plus complimentary caramel in those shallots,
with savory steaky substance from the seitan,
briny brightness in the pickles,
and crawnch in the onions.
what else do we need?
there's that fatty, salty softness in the bread, so we're good right?
nope.
c'mon, man.
don't be dumb.
there's always room for one more thing.
*
roasted garlic and green onion aioli???!!?!!!?!
F*ing right, bruh.
five cloves of roasty, toasty oil-browned garlic,
with 4 tsp green onion,
a dash of coarse kosher salt,
and a glug or two more of olive oil-
all mashed and maceraed in a mortar, with a powerful pulverizing push of the pestle.
that's what's up, for really real.
aioli for your buttholi!!
mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
*
now, that's a sandwich for the records, friends.
heck i used a quarter of the loaf of bread for it,
that's why i had a slight pang of guilt when i went in for a little bit more of it.
i fought through it, and overcame the doubts,
and shark-gluttoned my face right off  anyway-
i mean,
rule is rules, and every good thing should be experienced to eleven.
and i did just that.
cucumber salad, with purple carrot, and cilantro, and red and gold tomatoes,
in white balsamic vinegar?
dope.
tamari-glazed fried brussels sprouts?
so dope.
fries? shoestringers? thin chips? call 'em whatcha wanna,
they're the way to go, if you're going too far into sandwichville.
and i am about that life, for realsies.
*
guys,
i made myself a magnificent meal,
after which i walked the dog through downtown north conway village,
along all save one street.
ummmmm, i'm serious.
even after hours,
the whole of the paved paths along that spot are dead to me.
yeah.
i'm just sort of like that.
hard styled and committed to the decrees as they are issued.
regrettably so, at least  for navigational purposes, anyway...
but,
off the list means off the list,
and there's nothing for it but plotting alternate routes.
***********
it's going to be in the 90℉ realm today.
that's insane.
i mean,
had the heat on high blast, just last week.
now, i'm sweating like crazy,
and the skies are hazy from the ambient temperature.
new england is some kind of fickle.
it's like the laboratory where they experiment on how to eff with everything.
....except learning.
that's been pretty much disregarded and discarded up in these hills.
ugh.
i long for better conversations.
i ache for them.
shoutouts to my competent and capable communicators.
where y'all at?
i've got sandwiches in exchange for spoken words that're worth a sh!t.
if you care to trade ideas, you can find me in the last lonely houseful of books.
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress is open to all those who care to participate.
it's all right here, ready and willing and able to unfold,
as long as you're possessed of something valuable by way of nouns and verbs;
never quiet, never soft.....

FAMILIAR FEELINGS!!

cookies, bro.
cookies.
that's it.
that's all.
what else would there even be?
i mean,
if you've got cookies, you've got the world on a leash.
seriously.
and when you meet someone who doesn't like cookies?
don't spend any more time with them,
they're defective, and they're bad for you.
that's real.
cookies are divine discs of delight,
and anybody who says otherwise is a total A-hole.
word up.
now, i personally LOVE a good cookie.
that's a fact.
and good cookies are the only kind that i make.
i'm not bragging,
i'm simply stating that i am intent and determined to get expert
on a big batch of from-scratchery each and every time.
started effing around with cookies
waaaaaaaaay the heck back when i was a wee lanky lad of seventeen.
i made my first homemade cookies in high school,
where i wisely took 'skills for living' instead of shop class.
uh-huh.
i'm serious.
and skills for living meant 'stuff for girls' back then.
and yes,
i was, in fact the only male in the class;
and also yes,
i was much more gifted in the kitchen than all those hoes,
even in my most angsty long-haired evenflow grunge days.
hahahahaha.
ANYway,
back to the matter at hand-
cookies.
decades later, i'm utilizing those skills for livin',
and livin' it up with a big-A* bowlful of burly oaten awesomess.
yup.
i took it easy, sorta, and made them simple, mostly.
check out the cookie action, via teleport:

OATMEAL CHOCOLATE CHIP SORCERY, SON!!!!
wooooooooooooooo.
damn it feels good to eat cookies.
i know, i know,
they're not as superfancy as you guys like to look at.....
but they taste like everything good is happening at once.
that's for damned serious, suckas.
familiar feelings are flowing through every oaty bite of these beige b!tches.
make some for yourself,
then tell me if  i'm wrong:
-
*
O IS FOR OATMEAL! 
C IS FOR COOKIE! 
D IS FOR DOPE!
-
preheat the oven to 375℉
-
in a medium bowl, cream together:
1 cup dark brown sugar;
1 stick (8T) vegan earth balance butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla.
once blended, stir in:
3/4 cup unsweetened applesauce.
(that  makes them 1,000,000✖ better than some funky egg jauns)
-
the stir in:
2 cups a.p. flour;
1/2 cup coarse-ground oat flour;
(i take whole oats and use spice grinder activation to make them just right)
3/4 cup old fashioned (not quick-and-easy) rolled oats;
1 cup mini chocolate chips.
you'll need to hand squish the final stages of better battery, for best batter upshots.
that's no problem, tho, because you're active participants, and you're ready to rock, right?
that's right!
so,
form golf balls to the tune of about two dozen+,
and hand-flatten them somewhat.
space them evenly on a baking sheet, or two,
and give 'em about 13 minutes in the oven.
that's it.
and what you get is pure boomfire for your hungry cookiepit.
do it,
and you'll see what all the bravado is based on, bro.
-
YOU NEED MORE COOKIES IN YOUR LIFE!!!
really.
...also, they taste great,
but that's just because they taste like home, and family, and comfort,
and happiness,
and THAT'S why i had to eat a dozen myself.
damn.
too much is the right amount,
but,
that might not apply to waistlines.
jeez, i'm just so psyched on eating this stuff.
i s'pose that's good news, since i do it alone most of the time.
awwwww.
take it easy, that just means i get as many cookies as i want,
and that's great, because i want them ALL.
***********
i spent the whole day playing with my dog.
really.
i mean,
yes, i did some other stuff while i was up and at it, too.
like, for instance, i also made a batch of seitan,
and started two loaves of sourdough bread,
and set to some puff-pastry dough,
and a big loaf of homemade focaccia,
as well as frying up a pair of very different dumpling fillings for tonight's supper,
and ovenizing a tasty baked treat of two,
plus a big-deluxxxe dinner......
so, not nearly enough to maximize the day OFF.
mostly though,
i exercised outdoors along with my tremendous terrier,
and we hit the town for a long walk through the village and everything!
mmhmm.
i should've been buying wiry fences for my grapevines,
and maybe setting fire to the funky leafpiles,
bu,
if you could've seen the look of pure joy on crabtree's big sharky stoopidhead,
you'd know i was doing right by my little dude.
sometimes,
you've gotta just make nice, and do a good thing.
i may never get enough done to satisfy myself.
i'm starting to acknowledge that that's likely the worst part of every day,
but also,
something that'll have to be dealt with healthily,
and not with defeat and despair.
y'know?
do MORE, but of all the right things.
that's how i'm lookin' at life today,
and today is the day, neighbors.
will i celebrate this temporary clarity with a huge helping of dumplings tonight?
don't mind if i do;
never quiet, never soft.....

TOO TWO!!

no time!
that's how every single wednesday feels.
i've got about a thousand things i'd like to do,
and only so many hours to do them in-
plus,
when it's time to get expert on some food,
i like to really flex my skills during the hours i'd normally be at work.
that means that some of the time i'd otherwise activate in the yard,
or on the house, or at the drawing table,
is instead spent in a whirlwind brainstorm of recipe creation.
seriously.
i don't know what the heck relaxing is supposed to accomplish.
i've got too much to do,
and too much is the right amount.
i feel it.
for example,
i baked up a quick cake for myself and my friends.
but, it's two cakes, and two frostings,
and two more kinds of chocolate,
all in the same circle of super-elite edible expertism.
mmmhmmmm.
rules is rules.
and who doesn't love to fire up a tasty cake just because cake is so good?
right?
yeah!
check out this super-serious thick and rich coconut creation:

HOLY SMOKES!
it's so rich you could retire after a slice.
seriously.
coconut cake, and chocolate coconut cake,
and coconut frosting and chocolate frosting,
and chocolate drizzle and chocolate sprankles.
oh, heck yes, dudes-
i'm all about taking the combo to the limit.
-
i make a LOT of cakes,
i mean,
that's not so weird-
i really enjoy it, and i have the flour and the early a.m. hours to do it.....
....so i do it.
uh-huh.
this one, though, is a dense destroyer of wimpy cakiness.
it's like a giant two-tone frosted brownie.
and it's also very very very coconutty.
from where i'm sitting, those're all good things.
here's how it happened, in case you;re feeling adventurous later:
-
*
-
preheat the oven to 355℉
-
1 cup sugar;
1/4 cup light brown sugar;
1 stick (8T) vegan butterish;
2 tsp vanilla;
1/2 tsp salt;
whisked in your mixer with:
1/2 cup coarse-ground coconut flake flour;
then, you'll add:
3 cups flour;
3 T cornstarch;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
1 can full-fat coconut milk-
whisk it hard and fast util it's as creamy as it's liable to ever get,
and pour off half the batter into 1 (of 2) greased and floured 7" springform pans.
next,
add 1/4 cup cocoa to the remaining batter, and rewhip,
before adding that to the 2nd pan.
bake the both for 35-40 minutes,
until cracks form in the crust over the crumb on the tops,
and a toothpick comes out clean.
voila.
cake,
for your F*ing face.
no binders, no eggish bits, just oily-A* coconut milk.
...and it worked.
the frosting was something of a debacle.
more liquid than is advisable made it's way into the powdered sugary mixture-
normally,
1 1/2 cups of powdered sugar, and 1/2 stick of butter,
and a dash of 'milk, is sufficient,
but i also added finely ground coconut,
and it threw my estimations into a tailspin.
the stuff is still crazy delicious, but sort of gummier than i'd prefer.
awwwwwwwwwwwww.
i effed it up.
the chocolate was perfect,
and the ganache was precisely right on.
1/2 cup chocolate chips;
1/2 tsp vanilla;
2 T powdered sugar;
3 T non-dairy milk.
melted on low heat, and drizzled through a small hole in a small bag,
to make it look nicey-nice.
that's the way to go, if you;re going to go to the trouble of making
something that's worth a damn.
yup.
don't do the frosting wrong.
that's my advice to you.
or, mess it up- whatever you want, man-
i'm not your boss.
***********
i know how lucky i am to have the few friends that tolerate me.
it's difficult to imagine that being one's true self could also be the exact reason
for so few folks to want to span time together with the real-time warrior poetry
of woodsly goodsly Folk Life & Liberty.
y'know?
no?
oh.
well, it seems like there's a disconnect between what i do, all day every day,
which is to say:
just be dope, or F* right off;
and that applies to all things all the time-
and then what i do for money,
which is interact with people i otherwise would never ever speak with.
the overlap of our lives is based entirely on supply-and-demand,
and even THAT is relative to the availability of fairer-looking-fouler-feeling
saccharine sirens who do what i do elsewhere....
yikes.
don't get me wrong, it's not that i don't understand that.
getting 'niced-at', no matter how false, is something people seem to enjoy.
ummmmm, that's a thing.
...i just don't respect it.
y'see,
i am propelled into every day by a genuine desire to reach higher,
go farther, reach further, dig deeper, and think and say and do MORE
than i have any day previously.
that's what i'm interested in,
and that's what i'm looking for in people to cooperate and collaborate with.
fewer platitudes, and zero excuses,
just hard styles, hard work, hard-headed hard-hearted head-and-hand-strong
grandstanding and showboating all the value-driven and purposeful processes
i possess.
is that unlikable?
it just might be.
but,
who am i if i'm not myself,
and why would i want that?
trying hard, paying attention, and knowing stuff are the top three qualities
to keeping it turned up to eleven.
that may not be popular among the take-it-easy television-and-video-game crowd,
or worse, the pit fire and four-wheeler rural dirty rednecks of these mountainous vales.
but,
i mean it when i say it,
and i s'pose that until something better shows up,
i can live with that;
never quiet, never soft.....

ARCO IRIS!!!

the best part about yesterday?
dinner.
no question.
not that the rest of it was completely without merit...
it's just that mexican monday
is always such a pleasure to participate in,
and after a slowish day of doing other things,
in the rain,
it's a pretty good idea to do something that you know will be filling and fulfilling,
thrilling and completely over the top.
uh-huh.
one man should not consume this much hottness in one shot.
it's practically unhealthy. or at least, unwise.
the thing is- i don't eff around with ugly food.
nope.
only the sexxxy stuff.
hmmm? what's that?
oh.
yeah. it's a burden, true,
but one i'm willing to bear in the interests of the being dope for it's own sake.
and anyway, you DO eat with your eyes first, friends.
besides, when it looks rad, you can fit more.
that's a thing.
guys,
i do the taco thing pretty hard.
i'm sayin', it feels like i have to.
rules is rules.
and that's no joke.
soooooo,
i got home a little minute early,
scooped up my dog, ran around outside for a spell,
and then climbed into the cockpit of a crucial taco rocketship,
blasting off towards uncharted flavors for my flippin' face!
mmhmm.
neighbors,
i did a couple of new things!
check the teleport:

FUEGO FIESTA!!!!
six more tacos down the hatch.
soft flour, of course,
as they're the best ones.
why?
because they accommodate the maximum level of food within them.
smart.
and there's two kinds, naturally.
too much is the right amount,
and one kind just isn't gonna cut it...
that sounds like a box-mix mentality-
one spice packet, one carton of one dimensional laziness,
one dumb thumbs down to THAT.
word up.
i doo-doo the freaky sh!t, and i'm amply rewarded for my extra effort.
dudes!
look:

C'MON!!!!
-
what're some of the highlights of these tight and bright delights?
well,
for starters,
that's oven roasted chipotle cauliflower.
YUP.
-
chopped florets, rolled around in black pepper, GPOP,
chipotle pepper, ancho pepper, cumin, pink salt, smoked and hot paprika,
olive oil, and a pinch of sugar-
baked up from a cold start in the oven, turned up to 450℉-
basically, it's being baked at an ever-increasing temperature,
and by the time the oven is preheated, it only needed five more minutes-
when the tips get brown, it's ready.
-
also,
those were activated properly with purple cabbage, cilantro, cucumber,
thin shaved discs of crunchy purple carrot,
and fresh pico de gallo.
y'ever had pico?
well, i PICO THEY.
(if you know, you know, y'know-shoutouts to the HWC)
-
two chopped roma tomatoes, salt, pepper, one lime's juice,
a tablespoon of sweet minced onion, a teaspoon of minced red onion,
and a teaspoon of scallion, plus a legit punch of chopped cilantro.
quick, easy, amazing, flavorful, expert.
-
*
-
those other other jauns, tho?
yeah, man.
i had ideas, apparently.
like, the crispy-edged, tender, toothsome
agave-glazed ho'sauce-activated shiitake strips!!
WORD.
-
1 1/2 cups sliced shiitake mushrooms,
and half a small sweet sliced onion,
sauteed in olive oil,
with big shakes of GPOP, coriander, cayenne, and black pepper;
small shakes of oregano, paprika, thyme, and salt;
and a big glug of agave once it all begins to soften and wilt and shrink up.
that gets the caramelization underway, and that's where the best flavor resides.
stir it up, reduce the heat, and dash it up wth ho'sauce, to finish it off.
the color is terrific, the texture has zero trace of slimy mushroom grossness,
and the taste is out of control, bro.
mmmmmmmm.
sweet 'shroomination is in full effect!
-
i went hard on the mix-ins for those.
yes, i really did-
fresh jalapeno rings.
red and gold grape tomato chunks.
spinach.
purple microgreens.
red onion sprankles.
cashew-lime crema.
and quick-pickled radishes.
damn, dudes!
i am totally bragging when i tell you that the radish pickle was a GREAT idea.
real talk.
two big radishes and a little purple carrot, thinly-shaved into circles,
simmered in cider vinegar, with black pepper, crushed red pepper, sugar and salt,
for just about five minutes, and allowed to cool.
that's all it took,
but they took those tacos to eleven like it was their purpose on this earth.
-
a little lime on each and every one,
and sriracha-flake-sprankled avocado, mostly for the cauli's,
had my whole head spinning,
while i well and truly dominated the whole damned plate into submission.
you do what you do,
and i'll do what i do,
and then we'll compare notes,
in order to see who is a true shark glutton of perpetual motion and appetite.
ha!
***********
i eat a magical rainbow of foodstuffs.
i like it to look good, and taste good, and be good for me.
that's zero percent dumb.
in fact, it's downright smart.
i have work, i have chores, i have responsibilities,
and i carry on with all of that because i feel like i HAVE to,
in order to be a fully-functioning well-adjusted adult.
but food?
i choose the superfancy new new and the big action hott hottness.
that's where i get to flex and stunt and generally big-time the haters.
hahahaha.
dudes, really now, if i even had any haters, they'd be too busy hatin'
to notice that the tacos around here are fresher than the freshest they'll ever be.
i don;t really even know what that means.
but,
i go all out on my suppers,
and i share my adventures with you guys,
and i hope you enjoy the secondhand dinnertime almost as much as i enjoy making it.
writing is something i like to do.
cooking is too.
and eating?
well, that's what i'm ALL about.
combining them is just about the best way to begin each day.
it's all really happening,
with or without real and/or imagined haters,
and with or without any tangible or virtual congratulators,
and really, that's the whole point;
never quiet, never soft.....

WODENGEIST!!!

i make things.
...some of you may remember that, from before.
like,
with my own two hands, i pinch and pull, paint, poke, prod, and push
all the little limits of my imagination,
and once in a while,
when i'm not cooking, or writing, or tat-F*ing-tooing,
i do something else.
something to quell the compulsion that slowly, but inexorably,
builds up inside my head and my hands,
pressuring me to produce something special.
i can't even say i enjoy it,
so much as i need to do it, or i'll fall apart.
not doing it would feel worse than doing it feels good, if you get me...
yep.
but, i make things.
and when i do, it's so dungeony, and dragony, and fanatically fantastic.
uh-huh.
that's my field of expertise.
fine art is all fine and good,
but folk art meets folkloric fantasy and fairy(or worse, faerie)-styled tale tailoring
is 100% where my interests lie at all times, on my time,
in whatever meager spare time i can summon up.
in between all the other other things i'm on about.
dudes!
i made a wodengeist.
uh-huh.
a forest spirit.
a little woodsly wizard.
a green man.
yeah, that.
in my own biased opinion, i think it's worth a sh!t...
enough to show him off to all of you, at least.
check the dolls-are-a-thing-i-play-with-type teleport:

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!
there's an old beech stump in the woods out back,
and it has grown a crown of trunks from the old roots,
to resemble a little throne.
i saw it while walking crabtree,
and i knew i needed to make the man who lived in it.
.....so i did;

c'mon.
he fits in there like he's always been there,
which was pretty much the whole point.
i'm really relieved when things work out like that.
it means i was paying attention, and it paid off.
that's how it's s'posed to go, y'know?
*
the hands, feet and face are all sculpted from polymer clay,
which has been weathered and detailed with ink washes and acrylic paints,
dry brushed and rubbed, with clear gloss enamels on the beady eyes (literally)
and teeth.
those teeth have been glazed with copper enamel as a repair measure-
i burnt the in the oven.
ugh.
that sucked, but it ended up being a happy accident,
because they look pretty fresh as metal jauns.
lucky lucky.
the body is made primarily of heavy winter socks.
yea. that's real.
two pairs of 'em,
plus a few odds and ends of fabric, to make it look cooler.
on the ones,
it's all the extras that really activate the hottness.
look:

a sorcerer ain't sh!t without fresh gear, guys.
seriously.
a bandolier with jars of sprankles is the TRUTH!!!
that's spell component 101, dude.
and he's got  rune-carved hands.
and bones in his belt,
and vertebrae on his staff,
and rings of stone,
and a kickass little cap, with feathery macaroni for good measure..
dudes, check the flipside:

C'MON!
bones, claws, cones, and crystals!!!
too much is the right amount.
i used craft foam and metal/wax powders to make the knee and elbow and shoulder armor.
and the there's that necklace-
i never know when i'm gonna need stuff like that,
so whenever i see interesting costume jewelry, i snatch it up,
and save it for later.
that's the smart move, kiddo-
i'll use it eventually, for sure.
yarn, ribbon, felt....i've got acres of it, in big boxes,
stashed in the back of the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
there's always a use for that kind of thing.
-
the hair?
we can thank crabby's destructive nature for that.
it was once a plush hedgehog, for about twenty seconds,
before he mauled and macerated it into debris.
bad news for toys,
but great news for that heroic renaissance moustachio, am i right?
haha.
-
i also have bags and bags of bleached bones,
i do,
i know, that's not especially vegan-friendly, but i promise,
they're repurposed from roadside car-kills,
and i harmed a grand total of none of the animals that contributed their skeletons
to the cause of art-makery.
i believe these vertebrae are from a fox, but the belt bones are beaver.
how neat is that?
*
anyway,
i still make art, occasionally.
...and the dolls?
well,
i made hundreds back in the old times.
literally.
so, i have a little bit of a leg-up on the process nowadays.
now, when the mood overtakes me,
there can be no stopping until the thing is done.
these new-newnesses are twice as intricate,
and twice as time consuming,
but i think they might be eleven times cooler.
that's a force-multiplying magnificiation of a return on the time invested.
i do what i do, dudes,
because i HAVE to.
that's all there is to it.
thanks for looking, and reading;
never quiet, never soft.....

TOO MUCH!!!

so,
here's the thing-
i don't ever really see anybody.
i'm busy doing stuff,
and i'm busy making things.
basically, i've got actions to take and moves to make,
and that makes sitting around hanging out a difficult proposition to accept.
however,
i always have time for pancakes.
YUP!
because pancakes are the solution to most problems.
pancakes, man.
that's what you need.
so,
for mutha's day brunch,
i made myself a fat stack of 'em,
and celebrated all these mothers, all by myself.
yeah.
i think i made the right call, y'all-
that's the thing about the woodsly goodness.
there are no shortage of mothers i could've called upon....
for realsies,
everybody sort of just blows out a bunch of babies early on,
and then,
you just have to look at those little jerks all the time.
that's cool, i s'pose.
i don't hate kids-
but i don't want to spend much time with any that aren't mine.
and where there's kids, there's moms,
and on mom's day,
that's sort of a big deal.
but,
instead of spanning space and time with others' mothers,
i just ate a whole mess of panniecakes, shaped like hearts,
with tiny little dark chocolate F*ing chips in them.
i think i chose wisely.
check the teleport:

WORD TO YOUR MOMS!
c'mon.
if i was the type to be more social, somebody might've been psyched
to munch up on this magnificent morning meal in all it's decadent glory.
wait.
actually,
*i* was totally psyched to savagely savor and ferociously feast and demonically devour
each and every last morsel on that tasty plate.
HELL YEAH!!
guys,
i just love pancakes,
and these jauns were almost health.
uh-huh.
spelt and oat bran were prominently featured in the batter.
you wanna know what else went into the mix?
ok.
here's the blueprint:
-
*
MAMACAKES!
-
in a medium mixin' bowl,
whisk together:
1/2 cup flour;
1/3 cup spelt flour;
1/4 cup oat bran;
1/2 tsp salt;
3 T raw sugar;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
-
add
3 T melted vegan butterish;
1 cup lemon-juice-curdled non-dairy milk;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 T agave;
^^
get it all together, gently, and let it rest an hour in the fridge.
you may need more 'milk, that's normal, oat bran is thirsty.
on a medium high heated pan, pour the batter, obvi,
but, like, into greased non-stick molds, in the shape of your heart's desire-
in this case-literally hearts,
and drop those chocolate chips on top.
flip 'em when they're fluffed and bubbly,
and remove the forms after a minute.
y'know what that means?
it means you've got pancakes on your hands, bro.
expert.
powdered sugary shortcake-styled berries reemerged from the fridge
for a special guest appearance among these pannies.
as did a whole bunch of buh-nay-nay-noonoos.
no
'naners, man. you know what's up.
and naturally, because rules is rules,
real new hampshire maple flippin' syrup.
they were too damned dope.
that's real talk.
*
and that hash?
broskis,
oven roasted potatoes, baked at 450℉ for 30 minutes....
i had bread in the oven, so i multipurposed that space to activate those spuds.
fried up with sweet onion and tempeh,
GPOP, black pepper, olive oil, smoked paprika, and a little cilantro,
then upgraded with fresh golden grape tomatoes-
on the ones, a good homefried hash can really turn up the volume on brekkie.
this sh!t was so loud fresh and hard i had to hum a long while i ate.
seriously.
the skillet game is super-proper over here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
medium high heat and caramelization, patience, and gluttonous anticipation.
that's all anybody really needs, y'know?
mmhmm.
*
too much is the right amount, right?
damned right!
that's why the there's a bowl if tofu scrambo, as well.
i mean, c'mon.
what's a big brekkie with that 'fu, fool?
i love it.
Garlic Powder, Onion Powder, pink salt, black pepper,
a pinch of paprika, a blast of nutritional yeast,
olive oil, and turmeric, in totally eyeballed proportions,
make exxxtra-firm tofu into exxtra-sexxy scramz.
but, then i turned it up to eleven, kids.
i did.
with a tablespoonful of hemp heart sprankles,
for upgrading all the secret nutrients, an' stuff like that.
how was it?
amazing.
what do hemp hearts taste like?
scrambo, in this instance.
i couldn't discern much in the way of a new flavor for my face.
just as well, since i was spooning it all in so fast, anyway.
MORE breakfasts, MORE hearts, MORE fruit, MORE moms.
um.
wait.
maybe not.
***********
walking in the rain is on the morning menu today, again.
there will be neither singing, nor dancing,
and that's a fact.
this little life of mine?
i wouldn't even know where to begin to make it shine...
i know, it's 'light',
but only in songs.
up here, it's both dark and heavy,
and it while it weighs a ton,
i'm carrying on, soaked and shivering,
before i get back to work,
or something resembling it.
it's all really happening,
i can't quite put my finger on what it is,
but i know it's expanding and elapsing all around us;
never quiet, never soft.....

YO' MAMA!!

mothers.
yup.
today is their day here in the states.
and everybody had a mother at some point.
they freakin' make us inside them.
...crazy.
also,
that's pretty cool.
so,
if yours is around,
you should give her a call.
or,
if you really like her, maybe pay her a visit,
or,
if you really really like your ma,
take her to brunch.
those ladies LOVE a good brunch.
and if none of that is especially applicable,
for whatever reason,
maybe you might still give a little thought about how there'd be no you without her.
then,
get on with your day.
i mean, c'mon.
pancakes are cool,
while mimosas are super F*ing lame,
and flowers are a probably nice touch,
but we've got other sh!t to do, dudes.
right?
i know i do.
i just spent two hours in unseasonably chilly temperatures
(it's snowing, for real, 30 miles north of here)
in the driving rain,
walking my dog, who refused to get on with it.
he can't use logic, so he believes that being an A*-hole is the right choice,
which i wholeheartedly respect and agree with,
save for the fact that he was only punishing himself.
seriously, i had on a raincoat, man.
damn.
the thing is, i made a big brekkie for myself first.
i do that.
but,
slightly better,
and more impressive, to my mind,
were the em-effin' strawberry shortcakes i had on saturday.
yup.
shorty cakes of sweet crumblebuttery layer after layer,
sandwiched and topped with sugary, syrupy strawb'ly sauce,
and an encouraging/discouraging coconut whipped cream.
mmmmmm.
check the teleport:

WOW!
-
the strawberries were super simple:
cut 'em up.
blast 'em with pow-pow sugar,
wet 'em with a splih of lemon juice,
and activate the whole thing with a little pasty vanilla bean...
mmmmmmhmmmmmmm.
-
the cream was another matter.
i skimmed the fat from a semi-frozen full-fatty-boombattie can of coconut,
and combined it with a few scoops of powdered sugar,
added a tablespoon of solid-state coconut oil,
a dash of vanilla,
and this stuff called versawhip soy protein.
here's the thing-
i could've and should've checked the serving size, or process for that stuff,
or maybe even the expiration date on the package...
but nothing other than the name of the product was on the bag.
yeah, i know, the internet has the answer to everything,
but i was feeling confident.
i went for it, kids.
and at first, i was sure i was a super-genius.
it was the thickest, sexxxiest, most expert whippy whip-whip of
whipsmarty-pants power and loft and fluff.
too bad it had a little bit of a chemical taste.
the coconut was great, but the battery-lickin' aftershocks were NOT.
awwwwwww.
i think maybe i just used too much,
based on the normal operating ideals over here...
it had such a rewarding look to it, i figured i was a-ok.
then i tasted it.
and then, i made a bush-league mistake.
laughable, man.
i tried to fix it.
with more sugar and coconut.
so, after i ate the first two cakes,
the cream got reactivated. and immediately became a foamy pile of sh!t.
sorry, everybody who had some yesterday, but i saved you by denying you,
if you catch my drift.....
-
anyway,
the biscuits were exceptional.
that's no joke.
-
*
-
preheat your oven to 450℉
-
in a medium bowl, combine:
3 cups flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/3 cup raw sugar;
1 stick vegan butter;
1 T baking kapowder;
1 tsp baking soda;
cut and blended into a chunky sandy crumble
+
3/4 cup non-dairy milk;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 T + 1 tsp lemon juice;
2 T maple syrup-
stir it togetherish,
then fold and turn, scone-style, over and over,
until it's all combined.
press it out flat, cover it with raw sugar sprankles,
and cut out ALL the circles.
i got 11 3' jauns.
dent the centers with a two-finger poke,
and arrange them on a tray so that the edges just barely almost touch.
bake those up for 15-18 minutes,
until they're golden delicious, and the smell rocks your socks from the other room.
you could totally make those right now if you wanted.
that's how easy it is.
yeah!
i believe in you.
***********
it's rainy.
it's sort of lonely.
i think my appointments all cancelled.
it's mother's day.
and i'm soaked and stuffed and seriously concerned about my dog's butthole.
uh-huh.
turns out, it may take a day or two,
but rice and sweet potatoes will eventually plug it right up.
ugh.
that meant all that waling got no results in terms of constitutional elimination.
yikes.
i s'pose it happens,
but i hope the finale doesn't finally happen while i'm at work.
this is what my life is when it isn't revolving around food and work.
it's pure sh!t.
but, don;t worry, guys-
i only mean that literally;
never quiet, never soft.....

SMOOTH!!!!

chocolate creme pie.
yup.
it's just that simple.
it's rich,
it's thick,
it's superturbo chocolaty,
and it's SMOOTH.
as an introduction to tofu, it's genius.
seriously.
the silken stuff is virtually undetectable in a chocolate creme pie.
so, when that first bite gets munched, then a second and third,
and the ooh's and ahhh's begin?
yeah, that's right, dummy- you just ate tofu;
and you LIKED that sh!t.
no. no.
it's too late to take it back.
chocolate is good for you.
chocolate pie is great for you.
and when you add a few exxtras?
everything is right in the world until there isn't any more pie.
truth.
neighbors,
check the tofu-pioneer-type teleport:

C'MON!!!!
i could eat a whole one of these in one shot.
like, in minutes, it'd be hiding inside my body...
regrettably,
my brain is aware of the multiple thousands of calories that reside
within the creamy dreaminess of that brown on brown roundie,
and won't allow that epic level of ingested irresponsibility to come to pass.
yikes.
i mean,
there's a lot of sugar, and a ton of chocolate,
and no tofu intervention could ever make you call this healthy.
nope.
but dope?
you've GOTTA call it dope.
because it IS, bro.
and it's crazy simple to reproduce.
i mean it.
-
*
GRAHAM CRACKERY CRUSTITUDE!
-
3/4 pkg graham crax;
1/2 pkg chocolate graham crax;
4 T oats;
4 T coconut, unsweetened flake;
3 T cacao nibs;
2 T sugar;
^pulverized in your trusty food processor,
or tediously crumbled and cut by hand,
until it's a coarse scree of debris-
combined, in a mixin' bowl, with:
3-4 T melted butterish;
1 tsp vanilla;
non-dairy milk, added 1 T at a time,
and smooshed together with a spatula
until the whole mixture sticks together when squeezed.
the cacao nibs give it crunch!
the coconut and oats give it firm and solid body!!
the dual graham crackies just look cool as heck!!!
...that's important, too.
pressed in a pie pan, and baked at 350℉ for 11 minutes,
you've got yourself a solid foundation of fresh-to-deathly domination in full effect.
i like that sort of thing a whole bunch.
-
what about that CREAMY SILKY CHOCO-FILLING?
duders,
the filling is a snap:
-
1 block/pkg silken tofu, squeezed and pressed;
2 T arrowroot;
2 tsp vanilla;
pureed in the food processor,
and then again,
but with the addition of:
1 pkg melted chocolate chips;
3 T powdered sugar;
3 T non-dairy milk, to emulsify.
^^
the warm chox and the cool 'fu and the binders all mix up together
into the expert vegan hottness we all adore-
and when spread in that crust, and allowed to chill,
y'know, so that the chocolate semi-solidifies,
while all the rest keeps it from actually hardening?
it's SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH.
...and amazingly rich.
...and preposterously addictive.
mmmmmm.
-
here's the thing,though, guys:
too much is the right amount.
so i HAD to whisk up some chocolate frosting for the edges.
you don't need to, really, unless you're trying to do it right.
in that case rules is rules, and you'd better get on it immediately
uh-huh.
and what better way to complete the circle, than by using the remaining crumble
to top it all off as a multifaceted sprankle exxxplosion?
i have ideas in there, and occasionally, they are good ideas.
***********
my appetite has been tempered by the terrible terrier turd tempest i've come home to
the past few days.
have any of you ever tried to eat sharp weird plastic?
i mean,
i know dogs don't learn the way we do,
but,
you'd think if you were guaranteed to ravage your innards every single time
you sought out and destroyed an overlarge piece of indigestible polymer shrapnel,
maybe (and i'm just tossing this out into the aether) you'd stop doing that?
seems reasonable, no?
not if you're crabtree.
he LOVES them, much more than he hates exploding his whole body,
although, the two are closely related.
i honestly can't overstate that i have NO idea where he finds this stuff.
i spend all day hovering over him, monitoring his infinite natural inclination
to devour all things.
he's like a dumber, less diabolical fenrir,
but, instead of tyr's hand,
it's plastic wrappers and containers.
so dumb.
-
the good news?
it's been weeks since my mishaps with clay heads,
and with a bit of paint, and several layers of weathering,
and some enamel nail polish,
i salvaged some of the bits,
and made a whole new thing.
all the time when i'm not cooking,
i'm still cooking up some magic.
really.
i can't stand still.
and i couldn't allow one minute more time to elapse between
the last wicked wizardly wodengeist and the next....
is it the best i've ever made?
i dunno.
is it superfancy and completely unnecessary?
absolutely.
so i guess that's one step towards being the best.
i think he should be ready to unveil tomorrow,
so, if you like things that aren't edible,
but are still hand-crafted from scratch and homemade,
you may want to check back in and check it out;
never quiet, never soft.....

FRUITION!!!

tarts on tarts on tarts!
that's what i want!
and also,
fruit.
lots of fruit.
tons of it, even.
heaps of fruit.
...and frosting, too.
yeah.
i like frosting.
dudes,
guess what?
i've got the kind of clout to make that happen.
actually, there's no clout to speak of...
but i DO have the ingredients,
and that's more practically applicable anyway.
neighbors, i did it.
i really did.
check the teleport:

SHOUTOUTS TO MAJOLAINE PATISSERIE in new haven, ct.
yup.
this is absolutely inspired by their nut-crust custard jaun,
just like the one i had on my twentieth berfday,
waaaaaay back when.
uh-huh.
i did a few things differently, naturally-
making vegan stuff usually means you have to, anyway-
but i still did it, and i'm glad i did, because it tastes F*ing great.
friends,
that's graham flour shortbread for the crust!!!
mmmhmmm.
c'mon,
you wanna make graham flour shortbread?
ok.
(*spoiler alert-
you just replace almost half of the flour in regular shortbread with graham flour)
hahaha.
-
*
-
1/2 cup butterish (1 stick);
1/2 cup graham flour;
2/3 cup a.p. flour;
1/3 cup sugar;
1/2 tsp vanilla;
dash of salt;
^in the food processor, i cut all that together until it was doughy,
and then i tucked it all around my tart pan with my stiff little fingers,
until i had it all nicey-nice and evenly distributed-
i baked it at 365℉ for thirteen minutes,
and let it cool completely, before i whipped up some
expert vegan vanil'lemon pastry creme!!!
-
*
-
1 1/4 cups non-dairy milk ( i used soy)
heated up on medium-high heat,
combined with a slurry (made in a blender) of:
1/3 cup powdered sugar;
1/2 tsp vanilla bean paste;
2 T flour;
2 T cornstarch;
1/2 cup soymilk to emulsify it all...
buddy,
you add the cold one to the hot one-
make sure you turn the heat up all the way at this point-
and whisk it for all your worth.
it'll thicken up fairly quickly.
when it begins to bubble up like a beige tar pit, it's ready.
remove that sh!t from the heat,
add 1/2 tsp vanilla extract and 1/2 tsp lemon extract,
and give it one last thorough swirl with your whisk.
let it cool 5ish minutes,
and pour it all into your prepared crust.
mmmmmmmmm.
when THAT'S cooled to room temp,
slice up your fruits.
any fruits.
all the fruits.
keep in mind,
some fruit oxidizes and looks like pure sh!t.
lemon juice those ones, if you are determined to use 'em.
i prefer berries, personally.
they're just sorta nicer.
anyway,
decorate the top however you see fit,
and then seal it up with a very special superpectin glaze!
yuuuuuuup.
-
3-4 T apricot jam
1-2 T lemon juice,
low heat, a small sauce pan, and constant stirring.
that's the recipe for success on your fruit sealant.
it keeps everything locked up, and also, makes it shiny.
how neat is that?
yeah...that's pretty neat.
...
i could've left it alone it this point.
maybe i should've left it alone at this point.
but, rules is rules, kids.
and too much IS the right amount.
that meant i was obliged to activate one last tier of tasty new hottness.
yup.
raspberry and orange frosting swirls are where it's at.
i had 'em, and i used 'em,
and everything was much improved by their presence at the periphery.
that's real.
i take my treats to eleven.
that's the right path to take.
my throwback semi-memory-based creme-fruit tart had me feelin' a certain kind of way.
good.
that'show i was feelin'.
uh-huh.
i like that.
***********
naturally,
it didn't last.
it never does.
nope.
my constant companion does his best to undermine my efforts at fulfilling feelings.
and he's reaaaaaalllly good at that.
mmhmm.
somehow, at some point, despite my constant vigilance
crabtree ate some sort of plastic wrappers and bits.
AGAIN.
and as usual, they ravaged his poor stoopid bellyhole,
so that he puked and pooped a country mile of  filth, bile, plastic, and pulp,
all throughout his crate, out the grates, and onto the floor.
it was a prison of golgothan effluvium, which seems terrible to sit in-
but,
it was also one of his own making.
and also, this is nowhere near to being the first time.
now,
guess who spent some not inconsiderable time mucking the stall, so to speak?
yep.
i didn't even eat dinner, i was so repulsed by the situation,
and also,
i was /am very worried that his competitive shark-gluttony
will perhaps be the literal death of him.
.......and i'm also grossed out by diarrhea.
if you're not grossed out by diarrhea?
i don't know why you are not.
it's gross, bro.
for real.
it's all really happening, folks.
the sweetest tarts, the sourest sh!t soup.
ups, downs, highs, lows, brights and shadows.
this is it.
danm;
never quiet, never soft.....