trick OR treat.

happy hallowe'en, mother-F*ers!!

yeah.
bats, black cats, rats, spiders, an' sh!t.
all that ghost & goblin ghoulish ghastliness
in hard-style hard-pounded full effect.
i'm all up on those zombies, duders,
and vampires, and witches, and wolfmen,
and b!tch-A* wraptard mummies,
and pumpkins all over the mutha-lickin' place.
hallowe'en!
the best holiday, bar none, hands down, no joke.
going to eleven, on the 31st, is what's up.
c'mon, neighbors,
you know you want to dress up and get rad,
with fake and/or real blood,
plastic teeth, plastic hair,
and a pillowcase for fillin' with tooth-fillin' forecasts.
i'm reppin' big-bar neighborhood aspirations,
you know the ones, duders.
where all the upscale crackery white people
try to big time the bite-size budget jauns i used to
collect from my old 'hood.
that's right, y'all-
occupy new hamphire like a tricky trickowe'ener.
that's where you change outfits a couple times a night,
and dominate that fancy block with candy commando sh!t.
sorry 1%, but i'm taking it back, goonies-style.
*
oh, yeah.
all you double-X chromosome folks?
too much eye make-up (my favorite) is the rule for the ladies.
[decreed.]
slather those bandit-mask zorro eyes on your face.
for serious,
you'd better look like your mom was part panda,
or raccoon, or a reverse orca, or somethin',
because that's that hottness-type jauns from the future.
fact.
eyeshadow, mascara, and eyeliner, honey.
get busy- it's hallowe'en,
now don't get cheap on me,
just do your make-up like you are.
which reminds me, speaking of cheap-
hey ladies!
if y'all aren't dressed-up in only your underwear
(oxymoronic)
and a prop, like devil's horns, or a stethoscope,
to signify what your 'costume' is supposed to be,
well,
then you're probably not actually all that serious
about trick-or-treat trick-turning.
huh?
it's a hooker pun...try to stay on topic, yo.
just sayin', b!tches,
costumes are 'posed be dope, not just slutty.
dope AND slutty, preferably, if at all possible,
but definitely just-be-dopeness comes first.
i mean, there's snow outside, after all,
so put some pants on.
remember,
there's no whore in horrifying.
oh, c'mon.
that sounds better than it reads, for sure.
damn you, heterographic homophones.
***********
duders,
for the record?

vegan = suckiest mischief night possible.
it's turbo hard to get EXPERT when
all you've got are egg substitutes.
throwing applesauce containers just seems silly,
and egg replacer would probably just create another
'nother terror red alert anthrax scare.
alas, the only non-threatening white powder up here
is snow.
and we have that, too.
awwwww, man.
*
neighbors,
am i underselling it?
it's hallow-flippin'-we'en, ninjas.
aren't you excited yet?
that's right... actually, DAS IT!
i've got to work a little tiny bit,
but that isn't gonna sh!t in my salad, SON.
i've still got cupcakes and cookies and goobieblops,
and i'm bringin' a whole burly batch of that stuff
to sugarbomb the tattbomb studio,
and get everybody on that crucial collywobble kick.
tomorrow,
it's november,
and my anniversary,
and my weekend,
and NOT hallowe'en.
but today is the day,
and tonight is the night,
and it's ALL really happening.
i'm tattblasting in full costume, kids.
if you're around, you should totally stop by.
there will be tricks AND treats,
loud, fresh, and hard....for your face.
if you aren't 100% all about hallowe'en,
you can definitely join the long list of haters,
and the equally numerous unnamed off-the-listers,
and immediately commence sucking all the balls, y'all.
i've been celebrating for days,
but i've got at least another 72 hours of expertism in me.
trick or treat,
shawn hebrank's feet (scarier than anything else in the world)
and plenty of some things that are good to eat.
today, tonight, right this moment;
never quiet, never soft.....