Monday, October 30

MISCHIEF NIGHT!!!!!

naughty times for naughty boys and girls.
y'feel me?
no?
c'mon....
what are you?
and A*-hole?
october the 30th is today.
now do you get it?
still no?
what the actual F*, bro.
ok.
ok.
OK.
lemme just tell you what's poppin' right quick:
it's MISCHIEF NIGHT, man!
toilet tissued tree branches!
soapy messages on windows!
shaving cream under door handles!
flaming dog poop EVERYwhere.
now you feel me, don'tcha?
hell yeah!!
it's MISCHIEF NIGHT!
go commit some petty nuisance-making.
it's good for you.
you know what else is good for you?
uh-huh.
treats.
and who makes more treats than i do?
NObody!
because i know what's important,
and i know the rules.
that's riiiiiiiight.
too much is the right amount,
and a great big giant thiccc cookie can't be bad, can it/
nope.
not eve one little eentsy-teentsy-weentsy tiny little baby bitty-bit.
cookie pie is legit.
chocolate cookie pie is 2 legit.
chocolate chocolate chip cookie pie is 2 legit 2 quit.
frosted, sprankled choco-choco-chip cookie pie is the TRUTH.
check the teleport:

WOOOOORD!!!
you just take cookie dough,
and a cast iron pan,
and biggerize the whole idea of a cookie.
this mofo is 2"+ thick,
and soft,
and rich,
and soooooo chocolaty,
and there are MORE choco chips on top,
and then those candy-cornelius colored spranks,
and then those two-tone hollow weiners of frostin'.....
MORE MORE MORE, like rebel yells, neighbors.
that's what i'm on over here.
here's the deets for your own at-home baking journey:

oven? preheated. temperature? 375℉.
bowl? medium and metal, for aesthetics.
ingredients? numerous, and measured as follows:
-
10 T vegan earth balance butts;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/2 cup cocoa;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 cup brown sugar;
-
add 3 T non dairy milk;
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce;
1/2 cup chocolate chips;
stir up-
now, activate it with:
2 1/2 cups flour;
plus,
MORE cocoa, probably, too, because rules is rules;
heavy chocolate is a commitment to being awesome.
make the choice, and be awesome.
2 tsp bakey powpow;
1 tsp bakey soda;
-
i line my pa with parchment.
it looks sexxxxy, it cleans easy, and the whole pie pulls up and out in one motion.
that's expert.
y'just press the dough down flattish, and level, and even,
and let it do it's thing for about 20-25 minutes.
give it at least that long to cool off,
and then it's time to frost it up.
use whatever frosting you like.
i've been roughhousing some creamchee'-style off-the-cuff,
fast and loose, for the last few days, and i'll tell you something, friends-
i LIKE it like that.
***********
i do as i please,
and i do what i like.
these days it's costume partying and baking all the chocolates.
tonight is the last mad dash to hallowe'en dress-up readiness.
i'm ready to run for it, too.
but first,
crabtree and i are gonna run through the rain-soaked slick leafy obstacle course
of a post-flood woodsly autumn trail of two,
so that he ca leave me the eff aloe while i glue a bunch of stuff together.
he's no help,
but he sure is cute.
sort of the opposite of me.
he's adorably weird looking and a total nuisance,
whereas i'm sorta busted, but kind of dope.
that's a thing.
for what it's worth,
i think i'll stick with what i've got,
and leave the lovely looks and stinky winks to him;
never quiet, never soft.....

CATCHING UP!!!

ok.
so,
i fell behind pretty hard.
it happens to the best of us.
however,
in the interest of real-life documentarianism,
i'm going to do my best to catch up,
quick, and dirty, and in-depth.
hallowe'en is right on us,
so there's no chance i can rest,
because there's no way i'm gonna skimp out in the home stretch.
luckily,
there's a biblical deluge doing everything heavenly possible to enact unearthly havoc
on all of my last-minute poorly-planned costume-crunch-time finishing touches.
actually,
to be honest,
there's still a decent amount of genuine costume building still underway.......
i KNOW, right?
too much is the right amount,
and the harder way is the only way,
even if it isn't any smarter, by even one itty-bitty tiny mite.
damn.
my costumes ARE getting cooler, if more and more and more apocalyptic,
with each year of life.
one by one, hallowe'en after hallowe'en,
i get older, and my dress-up situation gets grimier.
i like that.
a lot.
....so i'm underwater literally and figuratively,
with this as the lst chance to bring the noise for all the boys (and girls)
who may not care, at all, about the genuine real-time blood and sweat that has gone into
my carelessly cut and crafted powermatic bobtron warrior poet wasteland doombringer.
y'know?
i hope so.
***********
and also,
i F* around with treats still,
and pretty heavily at that.
check the teleport:

pumpkin raisin oatmeal jauns.
....expert.
they're two sizes of the same thing,
with the bigger ones getting the exxxtra activation.
streusel-style toppings are kind of a weakness i have....
i went more sprankle than streus' this time,
but the point was gotten across all the same, i think.
some folks can't hang out with raisins.
i'm sorta not sorry about that, because while i don't really eff around with grapes,
unless they're the sour kind, so to speak,
i DO get freaky-diki with their dried-out old and busted mummies, man.
that's no joke.
at any rate, here's a little process list,
so you ca make some if you'd like-
feel free to omit raisins.
i am not emotionally invested in their inclusion.
-
*
PUMPKIN OATMEAL RAISIN JOINXXX!
-
preheat your oven to 360℉.
-
in a medium mixing bowl,
cream together:
1 stick vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/3 cup sugar;
1/2 cup dark brown sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
-
stir in:
1/2 cup pumpkin puree;
2/3 cup raisins (or not)
-
add:
2 cups flour;
1 tsp bakey kapowder;
1 tsp bakey soda;
cinnamon, ginger; nutmeg, allspice.
2/3 cup rolled oats;
1/2 cup non-dairy milk.
^^^^
mix it well, so it's thick, and sticky,
and spoon it generously into well-greased muffin tins.
i did the average size, and midi-sized.
no minis, just smallish, to still get a healthy bite every time.
the bigger ones have oats and brown sugar crinkles across their tops, too.
that's that streusley stuff.
...ans that's THE stuff.
mmmmmm.
-
bake them for 22 minutes,
and let 'em cool just enough to stay in one piece when you pull 'em out and munch 'em up.
what?
are they better warm with a pat of butter?
you'd better believe it.
like,
why would you even ask such a silly one, kid?
hmmm?
but are they still damned good a little later?
all soft and raisiny and rich an' sh!t?
c'mon.
you know they're tight, TILTY, and tasty, neighbors.
i don't F* around with mincey meals, man.
***********
i'm flooded out and blown away by wind and driving rains.
will i finish what i have to?
well,
that's just the thing of it, friends.
i HAVE to.
it's not the tasks set to me by others that compel me,
it's the trials i undertake with my eyes wide open,
with lesser gains,
but greater satisfaction,
that keep me moving forward.
anybody can work hard.
but it takes a special kind of drive to work even harder for no practical reason
beyond the sheer joy of creation.
it's ALL really happening,
right up to the last second;
never quiet, never soft.....

BROWNIE BITERS!

edges on brownies are dope.
they're the prized pieces of the puzzle.
they make an all-edge pan,
but it's a greek-key mosaic of underimaginative right angles.
why do brownies have to be square?
is that a rule?
no.
weirdly, it's NOT.
so,
when i want MORE edges,
which is to say, i always want more crispy edge bits,
i navigate some contested waters,
and put my brownies in muffin tins.
mmmmmmmmmmhmmmmmmm.
i'm LIKE that, and i LIKE that.
check the teleport:

that's all-over edge action, neighbors,
because i am not trying to wimp out on b!tch-A* brownies.
and also,
i'm rollin', b.
rollin' in circles on uneven wheels.
wheels made of crisp-edged deep chocolate hottness for my F*ing face.
wordimus prime.
that's edge-circumference maximization,
and that is expertism at it's best.
here's the recipe for the batter, in case you feel the need to make some for your own household.
and there's no law forbidding you from baking it in a pan, either.
just sayin',
you can dictate the edge-crispness and exclusivity as you see fit.
tight.
-
*
BROWNIE BATTER-UP!
-.
in a medium pot, melt up over lowish heat:
1 stick earth balance buttery spread (8T);
2/3 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 cup non-dairy milk;
1/2 cup cocoa(it helps a lot to whisk it in with the butter first to remove clumps);
4 T chocolate chips;
-
when that's one sloppy brown mess,
dissolve 1 1/2 cups brown sugar in there, too,
and remove it from the heat.
allow it to cool for five-ten minutes,
then stir in:
2 1/4 cups flour;
1 tsp baking powpow;
1 tsp bakey soda;
3 exxxtra-T cocoa;
kaBOOOOOOOOOOM!
kids, that's it.
easy easy easy.
add that to your pan, preferably after greasing it up,
and bake your brow blops, in the shape of your choosing, for 25 minutes.
*
huh?
well, OBVI, i frosted mine.
that's creamchee' frosting, too.
why?
because it's slightly more forgiving when you are suddenly in a super-hurry,
and can't spare a minute to measure anything.
that's real.
a scoop of vegan creamchee', a big scoop of vegan tub-butts,
and a few cups of pow'sug',
plus vanilla and s'milk/
frosting.
thanks stand mixer!
honestly, it's just an adhesive for sprankles.
i mean,
it's hallowe'en, man.
and rules is rules,
and without sprankles,
you're just wasting time.
right?
hell yeah!
so, without wasting any MORE time,
let's just agree that that's your brownie jauns, ready to go.
***********
i'm missing something, but i'll find it.
in the interim,
i'm steadily creating acres of edible excellence.
that's just how i do my thing.
treats on treats for my tricky time management.
i'm perpetually running late, which i haaaaaaaaaate-
but,
i'm predominantly doing too many missions, and projects, and activities
to stand still, or wait around for time to catch up.
i'm racing against a clock that waits for no man,
and i'm in no-man's land, behind enemy lines,
ticking and tucking and task-mastering every available minute-
too much is the right amount,
but that somehow always equates to less time.
i guess that's what it costs-
and it ALL costs something-
some pricetags are steeper than others-
but rigorous luxuriousness just means i HAVE to have it;
never quiet, never soft..... 

HALLOWEENISH COOKIES!!!

fast, and dirty.
that's it.
ready?
ok.
...begin!
i love cookies because they are almost always delicious.
plus, they're very quick and easy to make.
also,
i like that there are usually a lot of them,
which means i can take down a whole tribe of those little F*ers
like i'm a natural disaster in a densely populated social center.
....that's my pleasure, duders.
eating cookies, i mean, while imagining i'm an earthquake enveloping the whole pan,
right into my magma-lined midsection.
mmmmmmmmm.
i made some pretty expert ones recently.
they were snappy-snaps, really...
with chocolate chips,
and lemon,
and coconut,
and oatmeal,
because those are all on my F*ING Wu-TANG flavor list.
check the teleport:

C IS FOR COOKIE!
rolled rounds, iced in true hallowe'en fashion with color-coordinated site-specific style.
yup.
rules is rules,
and good holidays require good-lookin' sweets to adequately activate the proper sentiments.
anything less is smegma sediment.
ew.
ok.
but, back to those amazing little circles of sexxxiness......
here's how you too can have a batch of from-scratch freshness for your face:
-
*
LEMON-OATMEAL-CHOCOLATE-CHIP D-LITES!!
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
in a medium mixing bowl, combine:
10 T vegan buttery goodness;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 cup sugar;
zest up 1 T lemon peel;
add:
2 cups a.p. flour;
1 tsp baking soda;
1 tsp baking powder
1/3 cup freshly-ground unsweetened dry flake coconut;
1/3 cup fresh-milled oat flour;
(spice/coffee grinders are your friends, bro....get one, or two, today)
1/2 cup mini-baby dark chocolate chips;
2 T agave;
3 T non-dairy milk.
knead it up until it's a soft, pliable, stiff dough-
-
on a well-floured surface, roll it to mini-chocolate-chip height,
and cut out ALLLL the circles.
i had a fancy edge thingie,
but they mostly melted down in the oven rendering it barely useful....
they still tasted bangin' though, so you won't catch me crying too hard about it.
13 minutes, followed by five on the tray, and another fifteen on a rack,
and you've got thin, crispy, sweet, buttery snappy-snaps ready to get iced.
dope.
orange is not the new black around here,
but black and orange ARE the right choice for hallowe'en cookie decorationg, for sure.
.
powdered sugar, gel color, soymilk, and vanilla-
in a sandwich bag with the corner barely removed,
is the only way to go, if you're rushing around trying to do ten things at once.
in fact,
i'm honestly doing eleven,
and taking each to eleven,
for a total of 121 hard styles every effing day.
yup.
too much is the only level i care about.
people who say less is more are unambitious,
and likely unproductive-
which is a whole other 'nother way of saying
that they don't want to turn up the volume on activation.
that's crazy talk.
and it very clearly means that they are NOT invited to my costume party.
happily,
i'm not even having one,
but they STILL can't come.
that's real life, where real recognize real,
and MORE is even better than just bigger and beautiful;
never quiet, never soft.....

Saturday, October 28

BLACK!

you already KNOW it was black on black.
huh?
oh.
hey dudes.
i like blackness.
i do.
...and i can't hang out with folks who don't.
my dinnertime tasks are also pretty flippin' noir friendly, too.
yup.
for example,
i can do work with black rice.
y'feel me?
black rice is good.
a bit chewy, a little nutty, a lotta healthy, (maybe),
and purple-black like the deepest darkest dopeness.
that's real.
...and,
i just so happen to have the forbidden rice,
AND the black rice ramen,
AND the black rice udons, too.
i doo-doo that black rice matter, because it does, man.
rice is nice,
and curry, in a hurry, is the right choice to accompany it-
check the big-bowl-type teleport:

OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!!!!!
black rice takes at least twenty minutes of heavy soaking up on that low-boil business
in order to become edible.
and it is also recommended that it be toasted first (which i did)
so that those ebony hulls are doubly digestible in the home stretch.
that's ok with me, kids.
like, i'm into it.
fancy rice takes extra effort? yes, please.
that'show you ca be SURE it's fancy, right
right!
neighbors,
do you F* with curries?
i really do.
THIS one was sort of a cheater,
but also, it was sort of a victory.
that's a happy two-fer for sure.
-
onions, hot peppers, ginger, flake coconut, basil. carrot, and garlic,
sauteed in coconut oil,
drenched in a cup or two of broth-
which was activated with green pepper ho'sauce AND sriracha flakes;
with a dash of both rice vinegar and tamari,
plus,
cumin, coriander, ground mustard, dried ginger, MORE basil,
and black pepper......
i doubt you need to measure anything.
if you like a vegetable, put it in there.
if you like it spicy, add more hot.
oh!
and i ALSO added medium flake unsweetened coconut, by the handful,
which really added flavor and body to the soupy portion of the program.
mmmmmm.
is there turmeric in there?
do my joints hurt?
well, yes to the former,
and no to the latter for the inclusion of the turmeric.
anti-inflammatory additives are invited to my curry party.
although, for the record,
i still remain inflammatory in my day-to-day interactive speech patterning
as a matter of principle, for realsies...
heck yes!
that's an all-over-the-place recap, but it's an all-over-the-place bowl.
spinach, cuccumber, pea shoots, purple cabbage, cilantro, scallions, tomatoes,
that good-good rice,
and exxxxtra-crispy-fried coconut tofu, too?
bro,
THAT'S the cure for a bored or boring face.
***********
and where are all my ramen noodle haired weirdies at?
gurrrrrrrrrrrrllll,
you know i got you,
with some compatibly tress-accepting NOODS for you,
in exchange for some complimentary noods for me, perhaps...
check it OUT:

BLACK ON BLACK (ON PURPLE, ACTUALLY)
word up.
-
friends,
tamari-braised bok choy?
that's sesame oil and soy sauce and heat and baby baby bok boks.
simple, but soooooooo buttery magically expert.
dope.
broccolini?
blanched and GPOP'd, and tossed with hot and sweet peppers, onions, and garlic?
that's pretty easy, but also pretty awesome.
coconut-fried tofu cubes AND toasty cashews?
tightness, and also, legitness, on the ones.
fresh red sweetie peps, black peps, pink salts, purple carrots,
and sharp scallion sprankles?
c'mon, man.
that's all the big businessy action for satisfying your appetite for excellence.
yumyumyum.
those black rice ramens, tho!
those have all sorts of rich, thick, flavor,
and in a sauce?
yeah.
i got sauce.
-
*
2 tsp ground mustard;
1/2 tsp ground ginger;
1 tsp ea. Garlic Powder and Onion Powder;
basil, coriander, and mirchi blend (red pepper, star anise, paprika, garlic);
1 T soy sauce;
2 T rice wine;
1/2 tsp sesame oil;
1 T ho'sauce;
2 T lime juice.
11 grates of lime zest.
boom.
sauce.
tossed in with the drained and rinsed noods?
c'mon.
can't you imagine how masterful that tastes?
no/
really?
well, make some, and then you'll see how well it all works together.
-
*
quick dinners are as good as time-consuming ones.
that's a true story.
i mean, vegetables and spices and grains all kind of just love to be around each other,
and even when they're just tossed into the frying pan,
they're still basically straight-up FIRE.
and spice.
and flavor.
and texture.
and color.
and the contrast of that big black magic makes it even more lovely.
on the ones,
if you haven't had the black attack,
i'd recommend you seek it out,
tune it up,
turn it out,
and break it down;
never quiet, never soft.....

Wednesday, October 25

GRANDMAMA SLICE!!!

the sicilian square.
get with it,
or get the F*outta here.
that's a decree, duders.
grandma-style pan pizza is expert.
it's thick, luscious, hearty....
it's on some sort of focacciaesque tip, if you will.
i know i will, that's for sure.
when you're positively in dire need of magnificent sustenance,
and you're definitively looking to make a mess
using the minimum number of implements,
a fattie-boomboom-battie pan of pizza is absolutely the right call.
i am a pizza freak.
i admit it.
i never get tired of it,
i'm always excited to eat it,
i fantasize about a good crust,
i drool over a saucy edge;
i LOVE pizza.
so,
when i got home last night,
in the muggy warm rainy dark of a late october seasonal weather mix-up mishap,
the answer to what's for dinner was as clear as crystal.
one hot, thiccc, sicilian was all there was in my mind's eye.
guys,
check the teleport:

THAT LOOKS LIKE FAMILY, KID!
red onions, as is!
lengthwise-sliced long baby tomatoes, fresh as fresh can be!
barely braised broccoli,. because raw broccoli is tasty, but it's NOT for pizza.
crushed tomatoes, ready to rock, straight out of the tuttoroso can.
huh?
am i serious?
is that really all i use for sauce?
ummmmm, yeah.
you don't?!?!
jeez.
what are you?
some kind of a sh!theaded piping-hot mess?
a good pie only needs a simple sauce.
salt, sugar, basil.....it's already IN there, friends.
don't try to dress up some ketchup and call it pizza sauce.
that's a rookie move,
and it really only reflects your own limited pizza knowledge.
now, as a professional appreciator, as well as a connoisseur of a good apizza,
i represent on the tuttorosso jauns because they're tip-top notch.
that's my word, and you can try 'em for yourself, by all means.
you can thank me after.
-
ANYway,
a little pink salt, some cracked black pepper, fried garlic sprankles,
because rules is rules,
a little GPOP, and a blast of nootch to complete the look.
oh, and daiya mozzarella, of course,
minced up for superior meltability.
trust me.
i LOVE pizza way more than i love you,
and we've developed an understanding, that pie and i.
*
the crust was a quick one, but a damned good one.
you want the recipe?
i GOT that for ya:
-
*
SICILIANO, EXPEDITIOUSLY!
-
in your stand mixer, combine:
2 cups flour;
2 tsp salt;
2 T sugar;
2 T olive oil;
2 T vegan butterish;
1 tsp wheat gluten;
1 pkg exxxtra-fast-actin' yeast;
1/3 cup semolina flour;l
-
in a measuring cup, stir up:
3/4 cup warm water;
1 tsp bread machine yeast;
1 squirt agave.
allow that to bloom, and add it to the mixin' bowl-
beat it until it pulls away from the sides and slaps around like a sticky wet ball,
cover it, and let it rise while you're preheating your oven to 450℉,
hopefully in a well-blown circulating convection oven.
spread the dough, after about fifteen minutes, to the edges of a brownie pan,
for maxxximum lofty crust, add a spoonful of olive oil to the top,
and let it hang out until the oven is hot enough,.
then it's toppings and seasonings and baking,
until the oily edges are golden, and the chee' is all melted up.
it really can't get easier,
and it really doesn't get much better.
***********
i've been huffing barge toluene-activated contact cement for days.
my head is swimming in sleepiness,
and muddled by vapors.
thank heavens for pizza or i'd be lost at sea.
hallowe'en is my favorite-
but every year,
the making of these essentially superfluous costumes
takes a huge bite out of my constitution....
and it all happens at considerable expense, and at the expense of my well-being,
just so i can flex a little on the lazies and crazies who perpetrate and profess their love
for the holiday without ever actually bringing any kind of noise,
or candy,
to the party.
this one's for the active participants,
the pizza-and-costume makers who know that actually producing things
is specifically how achieving expertism happens.
everything else is just a diversion.
yep.
and also, yes-
that's another decree;
never quiet, never soft.....

PUMPKIN ROLLS!!!!!

holy crap!
duders,
i'm still not sure if i'm a genius, or an A*-hole,
or both.
let me preface:
yes, there are probably recipes for delicious cinnamon pumpkin rolls out there.
in fact,
there are likely some specific vegan awesomeness,
lurking in plain sight all over the internet,
created by far more skilled bakers than myself,
with far more consistent results, far more often.
however, that's not how i do things.
i choose the wrench, man.
which is to say, i go hard, on the harder path, doing things the harder way,
because when they work, it feels so much more rewarding
than if it's a smooth slide to the finish.
lamentably, here YOU are, looking at the final results,
sliding smoothly to the oven with all the pregame taken care of.
awwwwwww.
it's alright,
there's still a solid chance you're gonna eff these up,
because they aren't easy, bro.
not one bit.
so, that said, good F*ing luck.
pumpkin cinnamon rolls?
more like:
PUMPKIN-PIE-STYLE SPICED SPIRALS OF HOTTNESS!!
woooooooooooo!
check the teleport:

badaBOOM!
you might want to prepare yourselves.
these little bastards are no joke.
in fact, there's not one thing funny about 'em.
but,
in the interest of full-disclosure, i'll tell you one extra fact-
i've modified this recipe to counteract the failures of my own initial procedure.
you've been warned, now go forth and pumpkin spice yourselves silly-
-

DOUGHSKI-MO'!
-
in your trusty, well-oiled stand mixer,
with the dough hook attached; combine:
3 cups flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/2 tsp wheat gluten;
1/4 cup light brown sugar;
1 pkg fast-actin' yeast;
cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice, mace, cloves;
-
then, spoon in <1 cup="" p="" pumpkin="" puree.="">(it's so smooshy and wet, you don't want to use a lot)
-
in a small pot, on low heat, melt:
4 T vegan butter;
3/4 cup non-dairy milk;
1 tsp vanilla;
when it's one yellowy melt-up, turn off that heat, and remove it from the hot spot.
as it cools, add:
1 tsp bread machine yeast, stirred in, and bloomed.
-
add the liquid into the dry, and knead that whole sloppy mess up for about five minutes,
beating it into submission and compliance.
let that rise, covered for 15 minutes or so,
before rolling it out into a long rectangle of fluffy, autumnal hottness.
mmmmmmmmm.
you're gonna need to fill it with pumpkin pie cream.
lucky for you, i think i know what to do, neighbors-
-
*
 PIE-FILLIN' FEELS!
-
in a small pot, over low heat, combine:
4 T vegan creamchee', melted alone first to get all the lumps out-
plus:
1 tsp vanilla;
2 T tapioca flour;
1 T flour;
1/2 cup pumpkin puree;
1/2 cup brown sugar;
all the spices, again, to taste;
1/2 cup rolled oats.
combine it all, and let it firm up as much as it can.
allow for this, and maybe even make the filling well in advance?
trust me, it's WET, and it'll try hard to ruin you rolls.
don't let it.
-
anyway, spread the insides to the short rectangle edges, and to one of the long ones,
then moisten the unfilled rim, so it'll stick when rolled. that's the last edge, obvi.
if you start there, you're a dum-dum, for certain.
wrap the whole long limp log in plastic,
and refrigerate it for thirty minutes.
cut it up, into as many circles as you think you can handle,
and be prepared for a decent amount of squoosh, too.
i like to bake mine in a cast-iron pan, (a BIG one, lined with parchment)
at 375℉, for 25-30 minutes, until golden, usually.
with the pumpkin, it's harder to gauge, but, i think if you pay attention,
you'll see them shift from splatty blarps to fluffy freshness pretty easily.
-
when they've cooled, hopefully your filling has set up nicely.
it's actually no big deal if it hasn't, the centers of your roll-ups are gonna be
pretty steamy anyway.
but, when they've cooled, you should glaze 'em.
i made up a thick maple-cinnamon icing:
-
*
ICIN'!
-
in a bowl, mix together:
1/2 cup powdered sugar;
1/4 tsp vanilla;
dash of maple extract;
1/2 tsp real maple syrup;
non-dairy milk, added in small splashed, to emulsify a THICCC pasty icing.
i like it thick, friends.
what are you gonna do about it?
hahaha.
take it easy.
-
these'd be great with toasted pepitas on top too.
i caught a veto on nuts/seeds, do i skipped 'em,
and used cinnamon and brown sugar sprankles instead.
still dope, but less crunchy.
personally, pecans might've made me more excited about these,
or SOMEthing to break up the portable pie-styles of their soft softness,
did i happen to mention they were soft?
i should've, because they ARE.
you've got the recipe.
if you've got the drive, i guess you can improve it.
i s'pose i'm just NOT pumpkin pie guy,
because they got eaten up hard by the folks who tried 'em.
decide for yourself, kids.
what do i know?
***********
i've got more recipes than i have time to write about.
that's new.
i've got more done on my hallowe'en costume, too.
it all comes down to the weekend, really.
it always does.
longtime readers will remember that last year,
i smashed my whole face off in a car crash,
and still managed to scrape together something pretty neat to wear.
THIS year, the new tattoo studio has really interfered with my time management
far more than a mangled maw ever could.
that's real.
the demands of responsible adulthood are large and in charge,
and i find myself wondering what the eff happened between we'ens.....
somehow,
i'm racing around like a whirling dervish, in a wild, stormswept
directionless tornado of busy business,
crashing out had every third or fourth night from what i have to assume
is genuine exhaustion.
that's tough, bro.
evidence of the aging process is an unwelcome side-effect
of my maniacal mad-dashing to and fro.
once every two weeks, i used to fall asleep standing up-
now, my nights are longer, my mornings are earlier,
and my days off are non-existent,
so the drop-offs are more frequent, but less welcome.
y'feel me?
what's the alternative?
keeping reasonable hours?
lame.
taking days off?
lazy!
bullying every minute and bending them to my will?
sounds hard, in terms of the laws of physics,
but vacations and bedtimes are for the unambitious.
i'm on a mission, folks.
and it may very well be a suicide mission,
but the objective is clear:
DO MORE, LOUDER, HARDER. FASTER, FRESHER.
everything, always, to eleven.
that's not unreasonable, if you're exceptional.
and what else would you ever even want to be?
this is IT,
and that's all there is;
never quiet, never soft.....

SUPERMEGA NACHOMOUNTAIN!!

i can improvise, if i have to.
i'd prefer a plan.
i'm like hannibal from the A-team in that regard.
uh, really, tho,
i'm on that george peppard tip,
only,
more like breakfast at tiffany's than just simply loving it when a plan comes together.
y'know?
you might now.
in fact,
sorry to everybody younger than thirty-five who may be reading this-
there is a whole big world of information out there waiting for you to discover it.
back to the matter at hand-
i can improvise if i have to.
for example,
if i'm somehow at home in the woodsly goodness with a bare cupboard.
yup.
that's a thing that sometimes happens.
normally,
i have back-ups for all my back-ups;
which is sometimes also known as stockpiling,
or 'prepping', in disaster/mormon terminology.
however,
with the grocer being located on the other side of town,
and the tattoo studio being just a short hop and skip from
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress where i reside,
i rare have an occasion to go there.
huh?
i know, right?
but i work seven days a week, man,
and when you're on that always-on sh!t,
jaunts to get those jauns become less and less frequent.
it's now become an out-of-the-way place,
despite the frequency with which i create meals for my savage maw.
...damn.
so,
i took a quick look at the cans and cases remaining,
and i knew right away that i had what i needed to doo-doo some mega-turbo
man-mountain tortilla tune-up tremendousness.
mmmmhmmmm.
dudes,
i'm on some other other NACHOOOOOOOOOOOO business.
check the teleport:

ENORMOUS!!
that's one whole bag's worth of chips,
plus a little MORE, because too much is the right amount.
real talk.
multigrain goodies mixed in among the yellow corn triangles,
for a full-spectrum cornelius exxxplosion,
even without the massive dose of dopeness all over the top.
...aaaand then there's that monumental mass-effect mayhem all over the top-
-
neighbors,
just so you know-
if you aren't mincing up your daiya shreds before you put them on stuff,
you're basically effing up pretty hard.
that's the truth.
they melt faster, and better, if you dice 'em up first.
try it for yourself, and shoot me a note to thank me afterwards.
word up.
-
there's cheddar AND mozzarella bits on there, mixed, and spread on the bottom layer,
the top layer, and again on top of THAT.
yeah.
they gotta glue those F*ers together, after all.
-
next up, heavily ho'sauced (the homie texas pete represents), nootch-boosted
extra-oniony GPOP'd refried beans.
that's premade beans, plus a tablespoon of vegan butter, and another tablespoon of olive ol,
and a heavy shake of the powders, a handful of nutritional yeast,
and a dousing of ho' ho, bro.
make sure your beans are dope, or you're the dope.
rules is rules.
-
next up?
black beans, straight ahead.
that's all.
-
and red and orange and yellow sweet baby bell peppers,
AND sliced serrano spicy mofos,
and fire-roasted oil cured green chilis.
peppers on peppers on peppers, kiddo,.
that's what superturbodeluxxxos are made of.
-
orange and red tomatoes showed up to hang out,
i like a nice sweet baby tomato.
they're pretty, and juicy, and not too slimy, and overall an welcome addition to most things.
plus, they go great with minced sweet onion, which is also on top.
i mean. c'mon,.
they're SUPER NACHOS, friends,
not b!tchbaby poopboat chips.
get with it.
and then, just to keep it exxxtra,
i dabbed on a whole heckuvalotta dollops of jalapeno-poblano ho'sauce, too.
i'm. not. no. punk-A*. weak-sauce. diaperbutt. babypants. son.

-
and there's chili-cauliflower on there too, friends.
yes, there is.
braised in a pot, with oregano, and basil, and GPOP, and smoked paprika,
cayenne, and cumin, and coriander, and ancho pepper, all added a shake at a time,
until it smelled right.
if it smells right, then it IS right, and that's right.
so,
with softened cauli-florets seasoned and stuffed throughout the nacho tower,
the undertaking was finally oven ready.
baked at 400℉ until all the chee' was melty af,
with the convection setting circulating all that superheated air for maximum efficiency,
i had myself a worthy adversary, made from the minimal ingredients i had on hand.
no jokes.
then, i found an avo-F*ing-cado, and my day/night was made even more expert...
i mean it.
and after all of that,
the whole entire heaping hulking cumbersome tower of tortilla terror
was finished off with fresh end-of-the-line pea shoots,
that luscious prefect ripe-as-heckfire avocado,
a splash or three MORE of that cholula jalapeno-poblano ho'sauce,
and finally, a handful of cilantro and scallion sprankles!!!
like i said:
too much is the right amount.
if you aren't OVERdoing it,
why the F* are you even going through the motions?
y'know?
yeah.
that's what's up.
***********
now,
some of you may be saying to yourselves that that seems
like an awful lot of ingredients for a man claiming a bare cupboard;
but,
your version of empty, and mine, aren't the same, dog.
no doubt about it,
when i'm down to a noah's ark's worth of stuff,
i may as well have none, as far as i'm concerned.
my life goes to eleven, or it doesn't go anywhere at all.
y'all can keep your responsible portions,
your thoughtfully apportioned larders,
AND your simple meals all to yourselves.
this is warrior poetic woodsly goodsly shark gluttony.
the infinite nature of the universe,
at it's most ornate but basic fundamental core,
is to consume and reproduce and expand.
synergy exists because all successful species adapt to competition
and find a place to thrive in the wake of stronger, bigger, badder, better organisms.
why?
because nature wins, yo.
that's not to say i'm not totally fine with any and all delicate dumpybutts 
making measured meals inspired by the grandiose gorging
of my world-eating word-bearing warrior appetites....
if that's your thing, then do your thing-
but i'm force-feeding a face-first fracas of fully-immersive, ingestible,
interactive participatory party time down the gullet of my own daily doings.
...at it's prime elemental foundation, i'm simply consuming, and destroying,
according to my predestined programming;
only, i'm over here carrying out the prime directive with a whole lot of panache.
dudes,
it's all really happening,
even when it's just nachos.
because really,
if you're doing it right
it's never just nachos,
it's an celebration of our borrowed time in the middle of eternity;
never quiet, never soft.....

Monday, October 23

BERFDAY CAKE!

pink, not strawberry, and pink strawberry.
that's the request i got,
from harvest, for her custom vegan big-time berfday cake.
yup.
so that's precisely the cake i made.
dudes,
you're only seventeen the once, y'know?
i mean,
you're only every age once, really, but when you're young,
more stuff happens per year than when you've gotten older...
but, my portion of the program is cake, man.
these connecticut butts don't give a sh!t about plant-based conscientious living
in harmonious sync with the planet, and their bodies,
and with the unifying life-force of compassionate energy enveloping the whole universe.
...they'd probably just buy a cake;
hopefully from a bakery, and not a grocery store.
(those supermarket bake-shop ones are pure frozen crap)
or, and this is somehow even worse,
they might even use box mix.
ugh.
that's some never forgive jauns, neighbors.
i'm just sayin'-
don't ever let me catch you choosing box mix, bro.
ew.
no F*ing way.
i'll be taking your A* Off The List molto quick for participating in that kind of weak gravy.
real talk.
box mix is for jerks.
homemade tastes better, looks better,
and has all the love you'd expect from a special delivery!
ok, ok, ok.....
so, harvest had a berfday,
and i had the worst drive down to connecticut to celebrate with her.
no jokes,
i spent two actual hours in near-standstill traffic in worcester, massachusetts,
a.k.a. the toiletbowl's A*-hole of new england highways,
enjoying eighty degree weather and sweltering congestion on all sides,
all to eventually watch three dudes water the asphalt with a hose.....
nothing says useful saturday road construction like a three-man hose team, kids.
that's overtime pay. definitely.
anyway,
after seven hours of driving,
we had emergency tofutti, OBVI, with sprankles,
because rules is rules,
and we've been on that tradition for seven freakin' years now!
then dinner at the loudest, most crowded spot for just-alright italian food
i've ever been to,
and then, finally, we had some cake.
check the teleport:

PINK ON PINK ON CAKE ON CAKE!!!
the interior was a tasty little pink number,
vanilla in flavor, but strawberry in spirit.
also, there was strawbery jammie-jam, AND strawberry frosting activating the center, too.
i mean,
a subtle hint within an overt misdirection is pretty tight for a cake flavor.
at least, i was into it, anyway.
pink swirls?
yep!
asymmetrical spiral top coverage?
uh-huh.
pinkie crystal sugar sprankles?
naturally, i wouldn't skimp out-
it's my kid's berfday cake, homie,
don't be dumb.
......oh, and it got the rave reviews, friends.
-
if y'boi wants cake, he has to bring his own....
but if y'boi wants expert cake, regardless,
then how else would that happen,
if not from my woodsly goodsly Folk Life home bakeshoppe.
word.
-
now,
for those of you who might actually use the recipe,
i'm more than happy to share it with you, right here:
-
*
CAKE!
-
preheat your oven to 350℉
in your indispensably dope stand mixer, cream together:
1 cup sugar;
1/4 cup light brown sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 stick plant-based butter;
2/3 cup vanilla soy yogurt;
-
add:
11 drops organic red food color;
3 cups flour;
2 tsp bakey powder;
1 tsp bakey soda;
2 T organic non-GMO cornstarch, sifted;
1/4 cup tapioca flour;
1 cup non-dairy milk+ 1 T oil + 2 T lemon juice.
whisk it up until it's a fluffbomb deluxxxe,
spoon it evenly into two greased floured 9" round cake pans,
and bake for 25-30 minutes,
or proven done via cake tester inserted and removed cleanly from the center.
yes.
cool it, and frost it however you want.
i used 2 T strawberry jam on one side of one cake, adhered against strawberry frosting
made with real freeze-dried pulverized strawberries.
that was pretty awesome, honestly.
you know how to make frosting. i'll spare you the details.
(if you don't, the recipe is here, elsewhere, tons of times, just look a little)
-
anyway,
here's that S.O.S scoople from sweet claude's:

DOPE.
and here's three idiots ruining it for everyone else:

DOPE.
...
*
now i'm back in the woods,
and back to work,
and my hallowe'en hurry is really underway.
i'm just about out of time,
but i'll make something from nothing, no matter what.
it's all really happening, in a rush, under pressure,
and without any of leisurely joy that you might crave from doing all the things you love.
hmmmmm.
i don't know if i'm secretly dumb or not.
no, really-
i'm kicking my own A* to complete tasks that have no genuine bearing
in any way, on my overall profitability;
but, were i to skip out on them,
i know i'd feel less prosperous in a non-literal sense.
that might be foolish?
it might be what's up, though, too.
could i stop if i wanted to?
not really.
i am compelled beyond reason.
and it's all got to get done, or i'm no damned good at all, y'all.
seriously,
what the heck am i even here for if not to rock the party with non-purposed costumery?
right?
hallowe'en is my SH!T, duders.
i can't miss out, or i'm messing up;
never quiet, never soft.....

Saturday, October 21

BIRTHDAYS!

don't listen to keaton henson's album birthdays on your birthday.
i mean, you can, obvi.
i'm not the boss of you-
but,
i'd recommend that you do it only if you really truly love to feel the upper limits
of loss and lovelorn loneliness on your commemorative celebratory cyclical milestones.
y'know?
yeah.
emotions are cool and all,
but let's try to be happy when we note the passage and progress
of our travels through time and space.
i listened to it on someone else's birthday, and i have to say,
it's a sobering experience, even if you're as perpetually stone-sober as i am.
i'll need a different soundtrack if i'm going to do what i do today.
hmm?
i've got to road warrior my way down south,
and no depressing music will be tolerated,
because i'm on a mission to have the most upbeat twenty four hours i can.
yes.
that's a thing.
today is the day.
the big day.
a whole other 'nother berfday,
for a whole other 'nother special somebody in my life.
that's right:
harvest skye ruth, my firstborn child,
turns seventeen today;
yup.
that's YEARS, neighbors.
and all of them spanned in a row, without skipping any.
now,
while i will not be listening to our buddy keaton while i drive down to connecticut,
i will be aware of the feelings of loss and loneliness
while i sojourn solo to the jam-packed land of sour water and stale air-
a.k.a connecticut.
uh-huh.
i know, i know.
but that's where it all really happens,
so that's where i've got to be...
***********
in the meantime,
i made her a pretty rad cake,
but you'll have to wait to read all about it
after i tell you about this previous berfday cake action
that was created with specific intent, and by purposeful request,
for thursday's unrelated events.
check the teleport:

PUMPKIN PIE AY-AY CAAAAAAAKE!!!
yeah!!!
we got cakes on cakes around here lately, man.
this one has a couple of sachets of super-hippie mullin' spices,
like rosehips, and orange peel, and cinnamon, cloves, anise, ginger,
nutmeg, and cardamom.....
yeah.
i represent on the heavy spices.
i love a lotta flavor, so i make a lotta flavor.
that's what's UP.
you see that frosting?
it's maple chai creamchee'!!
expert!!
would you like to try to create something like this for yourselves?
sweet.
here's the way to do it:
-
*
PUMPKINPIE CAKE!
-
preheat yo' oven to 350℉
-
in your reliably awesome stand mixer, moosh up:
1 cup raw sugar;
1/4 cup light brown sugar
1 stick (8T) earth balance butterish;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 T tofutti vegan creamchee';
2 emptied contents of mulling spice stuff-
(or whatever- you can use opened teabags, too as long as the flavors are on point, fire it up)
combine all that, and add:
1 cup pumpkin puree;
2 tsp vanilla;
xxxtra ginger and cinnamon;
-
now, on low speed, slowly whisk in;
2 2/3 cups flour;
1 /4 cup tapioca starch;
1/2 cup non-dairy milk.
turn it up, get it fluffy,
and pour/spoon it into 2 greased and floured pans.
i opted for a pair of 7" springforms,
because tall cakes are sexxxy.
but if you prefer dumpy ones, just go bigger.
i'll leave that up to you, duder...
bake it, (duh) for like, twenty five or so minutes, or until a tester comes out clean.
cool it off, and decorate that baby b!tch like a champ.
-
*
CHAIMAPLECREAMCHEE' FROSTING!
-
in the same (freshly-cleaned) stand mixer,
whip the holy heck out of:
6 T vegan butts;
2 T vega creamchee';
2 cups kapowedered sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1/4 tsp maple extract;
3 T maple syrup (grade b if you've got it)
1 tsp chai spice;
enough non-dairy milk, 1 T at a time, to fluff it out to the maxxx.
DAS IT!
and obvi,
activate some sprankles, too.
WORD.
i'm just sayin': rules is rules.
it's a party cake, bro.
don't make it lame.
that's not cool.
-
cakes on cakes on cakes, and layers on layers are all i'm on about lately.
that's just how life unfolds sometimes i guess.
let them eat cake-
hell,
maybe just go ahead and try to STOP 'em, really.
october is pretty cakey, very TILTY, and molto experte.
i think i'm tight where i'm supposed to be.
*
i am so truly very fortunate to have a daughter like harvest.
hell, both my kids are expert and excellent and enjoyable to be with,
so i county myself extremely lucky to get this day with them both.
i am grateful for the time i have been given,
even if it takes en hours' worth of roundtrippin' back and forth from doo-doo butter
to woodsly goodness to get the most out of the minutes we share.
that's how it's done,
so that's what i do.
hey connecticut!
ready or not,
like it or not,
i'm on my way;
never quiet, never soft.....

Friday, October 20

SWIRLING SPIRALS!

pumpkin spice!
pumpkin spice!
pumpkin spice!
that's that betelgeuse/candyman jauns.
i'm summoning up the spirits of cinnamon and cloves...
and nutmeg, and ginger, and allspice, too.
mmhmmm.
october is really good for bringing up all of that to the forefront,
every single minute of each and every one of these thirty-one days.
luckily, those flavors are effing delicious.
and if nothing else, i give one heck of a sh!t about delicious flavors.
so,
i took all that pumplestiltskin magic and added in that deep dark delightfulness.
hmm?
oh, you know-
chocolate.
yeah!!
chocolate and pumpkin and chocolate chips, swirled up together in one place,
to create hypnotic whorls of autumnal happiness.
that's real, neighbors.
check the teleport:

SWIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRLS!!
yup.
the chocolate chips are just big enough to break up the consistency of
these otherwise very soft and supple spin-move circles.
mmmmmm.
you wanna make some of these in the relative comfort of your house?
you do??
alright.
here's the recipe-
-
*
PUMPKIN-COCOA SPIRALS
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
in a medium bowl, cream up:
1 stick (8T) vegan earth balance butter;
1/4 cup brown sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
3/4 raw sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
stir in 3/4 cup pumpkin;
when thoroughly mixed, add:
2 1/4 cups flour;
1 tsp baking soda;
1 tsp baking powder;
1/3 cup mini dark chocolate chips;
cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice, cloves.
(you may need to add agave or maple syrup to soften the dough if it's dry.
-
mix that well, and reserve approx 1/3 dough.
roll out the remaining 2/3 into a rectangle about 1/4" high.
now, add 3 T cocoa to the last batch, and get it all sorts of extra cocoa-y.
roll that out into a thinner same-sized rectangle, arrange iot on top,
and roll 'em up.
refrigerate the roll for ten minutes,
then slice it into 1/4' thick discs, and bake them for 13 minutes...
BAM!
that's all there is to it.
it's actually pretty simple, too.
if you're about that pumpkin spice , and you like chocolate,
you're probably gonna be psyched af about these.
i know i am, man.
*
ANYway,
i've got tons and tons to do before i head on down
to connecticut to celebrate berfday times tomorrow.
yup.
i've got old-A* kids, because i'm an old-A* man,
and they need the big action activation every bit as much as i do.
seriously, though.
harvest is about to be seventeen,
and that's a crazy notion to get my head around.
that just seems inconceivable, y'know?
time travel is a real sunovab!tch, man.
huh?
well, yes,
it IS a long trip and a lot of driving,
but family togetherness is essential to successful living, man.
that's a real thing.
it's also the right thing.
if you have the chance to make somebody you care about feel special,
and you don't do it?
you're an A*-hole,
and there's no place for you at the table, bro.
be good to your peoples, and be good to yourself.
try it out.
you just might like what you find;
never quiet, never soft.....

Thursday, October 19

GALETTE ME IN!

y'all know about rustic pastry?
would you like to?
ok.
well, i will- i promise;
but first,
allow me to tell you a bit about the time-consuming nature of my hallowe'en preparations.
here in the woodsly goodness, a few people go hard for the holiday.
ad even then,
it's mainly the home decor styles- y'know?
like, 
pumpkins and cornstalks and gravestones on the front lawn and that.
i don't really doo-doo that sort of stuff.
nope.
it's relatively unnecessary and not fancy enough.
hear me out-
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress already looks abandoned,
and haunted, and deadly axe-murdery spooky without a jack o'lantern on the porch.
also,
i have gotten a total of 0 tricky treatseekers since moving here in '09.
that's eight consecutive treaty-makin' goose-eggs, kids.
no bueno. 
so,
instead, 
i invest my energies elsewhere...
now,
it is a well-known fact that y'boi albie rock effs with the we'en pretty heavy.
namely, the costume partying aspect.
that's sort of my thing.
on the real, no shame:
i like to play dress-up,
...and i reallllly like to indulge my super-nerdy sci-fi fantasy d&D side.
like, warrior bobotrons, and gadget-based bionic barbarians and so on and on.
however,
this year,
with new studio sh!t,
and crabtree the neediest dog ever sh!t,
and berfday travel and sh!t,
time is tighter than ever, 
so i'm really employing my skills to their upper and outer limits.
i'm counting on muscle memory, and heavy accent painting,
to carry me to the finish line on the big day.
foam crafting is a real pain in the butt, bros.
that's real.
i'm getting there, but barely.
you'll see what i mean when the time comes,
but,
i the interim,
let's get back to galettes.
check the teleport:
WOOOOO!!
spoooooky ghost cookies on a spooky cinnamon-ginger sweet roughhouse pastry.
yeah!!!
guys,
the key to powering through a costume is powering UP on treats.
that's real.
and when you've got tiers of taste and texture all working in unison 
to activate all the potential hottness of one singular sweet tart/pie/thingie?
that's expert.
-
friends,
that's got peanut butter and agave on the bottom- 
spread thin, for the subtle flavor of the good-good, without being heavy and intrusive.
smart.
fresh picked local crisp apples sliced thin af, fanned out,
and topped with cinnamon and powdered sugar are spiraling out of control 
right on top of those sticky pee-pee butts.....
and that's when you turn it up to eleven,
with a whole bunch of blackberry jammie-jam blopped on top.
don't worry, duders.
at 415℉ it all melts together into a sweet berry glaze that caramelizes the sugars,
and makes the whole dang thing into one solid sexxxy uified force for deliciousness.
it takes about twenty minutes, but it's totally worth it.
dope.
-
and that crust?
neighbors,
you are NOT ready for that much rustic realness.
but, in case you'd like to test that assertion,
here's what you'll need to try your luck:
-
*
GALETTE DOUGH!
-
in a medium mixin' bowl, cut the fats and the dry stuff together like this:
1 cup flour;
1/2+ cup white whole wheat flour;
4 T raw big crystal sugar;
8 T butterish;
3 T vegan creamchee';
1/4 tsp salt;
cinnamon and ginger;
vanilla;
and non-dairy milk, ice-cold, added 1 T at a time 
until everything sorta sticks together when squeezed.
that's hen you fold it and flip it and turn it and fold it about ten times,
and the fold it once more, to take it to eleven,
obvi. 
-
you could chill it for an hour, 
or,
you could even use it right away, like i do.
...
it's really good. and you'll be glad you made some.
rustic stuff doesn't have to be pretty, either, which is cool, for sure.
i like to add little accents, but only because i'm a F*ing snob about treats.
ha.
and don't act like those ghosts are s'kyooooooot, either.
we both know better.
***********
i've got appointments for tatts on tatts, man...
and craft foam cut in heaps-
with a dremel, a heat gun, and a glue gun ready to rock;
plus,
a dinner reservation,
and plans for this day that'll take me to the limits of well-timed scheduling.
it's possible that all of it is going to work out great,
and then again,
it's possible that i'm in for a runaway roller-coaster ride to the edge of a temper tantrum.
i s'pose we'll know by nightfall, huh?
it's all got to go on, and get done,
so that's what'll happen.
anything less is for A*-holes,
and A*-holes think that not enough is acceptable.
no effing way, buddy-
too much is the right amount,
and anybody who says otherwise is not invited;
never quiet, never soft..... 

BREAD PHOTOS.

i make my own bread.
you know that already.
it's like, roughly four cups or so of flour;
plus, a tablespoonish of salt;
sometimes a dash of sugar;
one bubbly cup of fermented sour wild yeast starter;
and somewhere between a cup and a quarter to a cup and a half of warm water.
no jokes, neighbors, that's all there is happening.
sure,
i use my trusty, slightly rusty, somewhat busted (from constant usage)
stand mixer to beat up all those bits and turn 'em into a sticky dough...
and yes,
i'd estimate that almost 20 percent of my counter space is devoted
to bread making, rising, bulking, and arranging of the assorted flours,
and dough conditioners, and secret seeds and sh!t that make ordinary loaves
into elite and expert oven-activated excellence.
but mostly,
flour, water, yeast, and salt is all you need.
and i knead and i need and i want as i'm wont to,
and all of it is really happening, just about every day in some capacity.
anyway,
i could go on and on about individual breads,
but i think i'm just going to release the floodgates,
and clog up your eyes with lots and lots of boules and batards, bro.
check the teleport:

GOOD


BREAD

MAKES

BETTER

PEOPLE

HOMEMADE

BREAD


TASTES

BETTER

TOO

MUCH

IS

THE

RIGHT

AMOUNT

WOOOOOOOORD


BREAD


ON BREAD

ON BREAD

ON BREAD

ON BREAD

ON BREAD

ON BREAD

FOREVER

AND EVER

AMEN.
and that is all there is to it, friends;
never quiet, never soft.....

Wednesday, October 18

TACOOOOOOOOOS!!!

taco tuesday?
that's never been a problem, dudes.
soft flour tortillas are always on hand, in abundance,
in case a taco party ever seems on the verge of breaking out....
y'gotta be prepared, y'know?
yeah.
that's real.
the best part about soft flour jauns is that they always seem
to have the ability to stretch a little bit, and fit MORE taco in the same space.
that's expert.
after all, too much is the right amount,
especially if we're talking about taco time.
so, when tuesday shows up, and the motivation strikes,
and the tortillas are just begging to get pan-toasted,
i think it's only right that you give 'em what they want.
word?
WORD!
check the teleport:

SPICY SPICY QUICK-PICK'D MIX'D VEGGIE GARNISH GOODESS?!?!
you KNOW i eff with that exxtra-heavy.
yummmmmmmmmmm.
first things first,
you should always get your mise en place in full effect.
yup.
that's just efficient use of time and space, man.
lettuce, purple cabbage, spinach.....we GOT they!
sprouts, red and gold quartered grape tomatoes....we GOT they, too!
purple carrot, red and gold sweet baby bell peppers/.....all they, GOTTI!!
scallion and cilantro sprankles?
c'mon, neighbors-
i'm not some bush-league A*-hole.
i doo-doo that freaky sh!t like i'm deadly serious about tacos.
......because i AM.
custom ho'sauces, courtesy of y'boi nate?
yessir.
i love a good accent sauce, but i adore TWO good accent sauces.
after all, MORE is where we're headed at all times.
AVO-F*ING-CADO?
were you doubting?
uncool, fool-
what did you think, this sh!t was a game?!
no way, josé,:
this is real taco real life, and i'm about that life, b.
haha.
the quik-mix-pix were fire af, too.
really.
in a small saicepot, i had:
2 sliced radishes;
one sliced medium peeled carrot;
2 cloves' worth of sliced garlic;
2 sliced hot green chilis;
1/4 diced sweet onion;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp sugar;
barely covered by 1 cup cider vinegar;
brought to a boil, until the peppers go olive-hued, and allowed to cool a bit
before separating the brine from the veg,
(which were recombined to store the remainders, of course)
it's GOOOOOOOOOOOOD.
and i do like it when the pickled hot is present for tuesday festivities.
good flavors should be celebrated, and i do that always.
*
chipotle curried cauliflower??
yes!
mostly, it's florets blasted with heavy spices, a little water, and a lidded pan.
although, there is also a heavy dose of ho'sauce, and a little onion there, as well-
-
olive oil and 1/4 head chopped cauli-babies-
three shakes of dried oregano;
3 shakes of mirchi spice (look it up, it's rad)
5 shakes of chipotle composite blend (cumin, smoked paprika, chipotle, sugar)
2 shakes regular-A* paprika;
2 T texas pete ho'sauce;
3 T water, for when the whole thing gets covered to steam for five minutes.
BOOM.
easy as heck, and twice as tasty as heck, too.
nice!
*
baby black bean burglets!
the recipe is here.
only, smaller, and cuter,
and definitely invited back for another round of tuesday festivities.
-
there's no point is cheating yourself out of something great.
i don't know why anybody ever does that, either.
on the ones,
y'can't expect to BE great if you aren't attempting greatness.
that means no box mix,
it means no two-topping turd tacos,
and it definitely means no skimping out on the quantity,
the quality,
or the questing for besting your previous efforts.
there's only you and expertism,
and everything else in between is just peripheral irrelevance.
it's never just tacos, man.
nope.
it's some hemmingway sh!t.
you start slackin' on tacos,
and the next thing you know,
the sea has overtaken you,
the bull has fought you to your last,
and all the women in your life have terrified you
into objectified typecasting them all as liliths, man.
do yourself a favor-
make sure you take your taco game to eleven.
no good has ever come from weak sauce and hard shells;
never quiet, never soft.....

PERFECTION!

the scone zone has never been my most popular internet subject.
that's real.
however,
it's long been a place where i stuff my face with the most enjoyable jauns
to come from out of the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress test kitchen laboratory.
...no joke.
i'm a sucker for a scone, neighbors.
they're just so dang great i can't resist tuning up a few right out of the gates.
i mean,
the have all the right moves-
buttery, kinda.
flaky, for sure.
sweet-ish.
burly and hearty and heartfelt like true stories and folk songs.
salty in an understated way.
i mean, they're dryish and biscuity, but still softish and cakey.
i dunno, man.
a good scone is a work of art,
and too many places make shtheap slopblops instead of true scone hottness.
i'm over here taking back scones for the professional appreciators of breakfast magnificence.
mmmmmhmmmmm.
and it's october, so you know what that means, right/
yup.
rules is rules,
and the rules call for pumpkin to make numerous guest appearances throughout the month.
i know what's up, and i do what's right.
check the teleport:

PUMPKIN PEPITA PECAN SPELT SCONES!!!!!
oh, yeah!
whole grain goodness is in full effect.
i got wheat germ, spelt flour, whole rolled oats, the works!!
and i know you might wanna make some, so i'll let ou know how right NOW-
-
*
MULTIGRAIN OCTOBER SCONES!!
-
preheat yo' oven to 410℉
-
in a medium-sized mixing bowl cut in the dry and the fat together as follows:
1 stick + 2T vegan butterish; (that's 10 T if you're sourcing it from a tub)
3 T raw sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
3 T vegan creamchee';
2 cups flour;
1 fat handful oatmeal;
1/2 cup spelt;
3 T wheat germ;
1 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
3 T tapioca flour.
-
once combined, add in:
cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice, and cloves;
1 cup pumpkin puree;
1/2 cup chopped pecans;
1/2 cup hulled pumpkin seeds;
and 2 T maple syrup.
turn, and fold, and turn, and fold, and flip, and turn and fold etc,
until the wet and the dryish are one multilayered cohesive mass.
turn it out onto a floured surface,
divide in half, press both halves into rounds, and cut into equal-sized sixths.
add a bit of raw sugary sprankles,
and a pecan for accentuation of the infinite cuteness,
and bake those bad boys, spread out on a cookie sheet,
for twenty minutes.
-
when they've cooled for about ten-fifteen minutes,
y'GOTTA give 'em some glaze.
i mean, yeah, they're good as is,
but too much is the right amount, bro.
y'can't come through this spot and not overindulge in super-ultra MOREism, y'feel me?
it's sort of just how things get done around here.
-
1/2 cup powdered sugar;
a few drops maple extract;
a few more drops vanilla;
a shake of cinnamon;
and a splish of non-dairy milk, stirred into a sticky-sweet gel,
and dumped into a plastic baggie with the corner cut off,
and boom. just like that, you're ready to get all icy-spiced and nicey-niced.
i like a good stripe-up of exxxtra sweetness,
despite the fact that i'm already pretty flippin' sweet.
awwwwww.
***********
time is running out.
that's real.
the hardest part about multitasking every aspect of my day is that by nine p.m.,
i'm really tired.
hahaha.
that doesn't mean i'm done, it just means i'm not as awesome as i was at noon, for sure.
and attempts at being creative once you're bled the juices from your brain
throughout the day means getting frustrated and disappointed with what happens at night.
it's NOT easy,
but it is what i signed up for.
when the objective is to always have MORE,
i think it's equally important to make sure you also eff with quality pretty heavy, duders.
y'know?
it's dope to have MORE,
but it's expert to have BETTER.
wordimus prime.
two-parters are my favorite,
so i guess i'm elbows deep in favoritism at the moment.
now, if only either part was completed more often.....
dang;
never quiet, never soft.....