Wednesday, July 17

TACO TUESDAY!

soft flour, bruh.
those are the ones.
five?
for sure.
don't mind if i do.
i had the pico on deck-
that's a cup of chopped sweet tomatoes,
a half cup of diced red onion,
a punch of chopped cilantro,
salt, pepper, lime juice, and minced jalapeno.
that's expert.
i had the escabeche, too.
obvi.
cider vinegar covering a batch of chopped carrots, radish, and garlic,
with a spoonful of raw sugar and a splash of pink salt.
that's expert, too.
i fired up an avocado, just because.
i love that greenish thing so much, man.
it's expert.
those soft flour jauns are really what's up.
i love a good soft taco, as you all already know,
but i'm gonna say it again, and again, and again.
i repeat myself...a lot... and i don't even give a single sh!t about it.
ANYway,
this is what's up:

TACOOOOOOOOOOOS!!
that's half a block of tempeh,
a quarter of a red onion,
a half a cup of mixed hot and sweet pepper,
half a can of red beans,
salt, pepper, GPOP, cumin, smoked paprika, cayenne, guajillo, oregano,
fresh cilantro, a couple fo handfuls of baby spinach,
a squeeze of lime, a dash of salt, a shake or three of black pepper,
a shake of ho'sauce, a drizzle of tamari,
and 1/3 cup of water to fuse it all into one fresh batch of chili-ish taco crumble filling.
THAT'S the thing, neighbors.
good ol' blarpity blops of heavy duty manliness....
word up.
i mean, it's good right?
look:

YEP!
allllll the tacos.
too much is the right amount.
maybe even the only amount.
i know i'm not explaining how to make anything,
but i'm pretty sure the four people i know who can cook
already know how to make this stuff....
and everybody else is imaginary, so i'm not sweating that, either.
ha.
it's fine, buddy.
i still ate these tacos to fill up my feelings with something like fullness.
uh-huh.
that's it;
never quiet, never soft.....

SCONE ZONE!

yeah, i'll eat a scone.
i miss 'em when i go to long without 'em....
it's been a minute since i last got into the scone zone,
so it's only natural that i went hard on some tasty tasty jauns.
that's real.
i went all in, and i was not disappointed.
check it out:

SCOOOOOOONES!!
strawberry chocolate chip coconut magic.
you really gotta have 'em.
i mean, f'real.
if you don't chill the dough, you're a jerk.
that's how you make them do the right thing.
i'm serious.
there's plenty of fat in there, and if you let it warm up,
they aren't flaky.
and the flakiness is essential.
i have raw sugar sprankles on top for that exxxtra-exxxtra.
too much is the right amount.
and exxxtra sugar all over the top is wild as hell.
here's all y'gotta do:
-
*
SCONEZ!
-
preheat your oven to 400℉
-
2 1/2 cups flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
3 T tapioca;
1/3 cup raw sugar;
1 stick + 2 T vegan butter...ice cold;
2 T vegan cream chee';
cut the fat into the flour, coarsely, then add:
1 1/2 oz freeze dried strawberries, slightly crushed;
1/2 cup mini vegan chocolate chips;
1/3 cup flaky unsweetened coconut;
-
add in 1/2 cup unsweetened coconut yogurt;
1/4 cup vanilla-coconut milk;
1 tsp vanilla...
stir until it gets a little sticky,
then fold, and turn and fold, and turn and fold,
and turn and fold...do that at least sixteen times.
it's heroic.
and that's it.
put it in the fridge, and let it cool out for twenty minutes-
press it down to about 1" thick,
add the sprankles across the top,
and just cut it into triangles, and arrange 'em on a tray, evenly spaced,
and bake them for twenty minutes.
dudes,
that's it.
they're ready.
you win.
the scones are gonna get eaten and your whole life is gonna get better.
simple as that.
all the best textures, all the big flavors,
all the things that you want are all right there.
so good.
*
i want all the treats, but 43 is not a good age to overtreat yourself.
i gotta take it easy, but i definitely don't want to.
so i only had, like six of 'em.
hahaha.
yeah.
moderation is my middle name;
never quiet, never soft.....

BUILDING BLOXXX

hey,
cookies are good for you.
is that real?
i'm not sure.
these cookies are good, though. i know that's true.
look:

YUP!
rock bloxxx are all i ever need to feel okay.
and i needed to feel better, so i baked up a big batch of sweet circular sexxxiness.
f'real.
neighbors, there's no reason not to bake cookies.
they do good stuff to your insides and especially your brain.
that's inside your skull, and that's where the cookie activation hits hardest.
you want some of this hot ferocious sugary medicine for your face?
aight.
here's the recipe:
-
*
COOKIETIME!
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
in a mixin' bowl, with a pasty cutter, cream up:
1 stick vegan butter ( 8 T );
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
1/2 cup brown sugar;
1 cup sugar.
add in, and stir up:
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce;
2 T agave;
mix well, then add:
2 1/2 cups king arthur flour;
1 tsp baking soda;
1 tsp baking powder;
1 cup mini vegan chocolate chips;
1/3 cup ground unsweetened coconut;
1/2 cup fresh ground oat flour.
yuuuuup.
mash all that together, and roll up some 2" balls
and arrange 'em on a baking tray or two or three.
bake 'em for 13 minutes, and get yourself in the mindset that can fully experience
the crisp-edged soft-centered superfly fresh-to-death dopeness that is a rock block.
word up.
they're just cookies, but they're also so much more.
and there's a lot of 'em, or there were anyway.
we demolished the whole heap.
that's what we do, dudes.
we eat allllll the cookies.
rules is rules.
....cookies, man. all of them.
just make 'em.
then chow down.
it's good for you, probably.
i know they make me happier.
maybe that's universal?
try it.
let's find out;
never quiet, never soft.....

EVERYTHING

work, connecticut, home,
work, sleepover, birthday party, work,
birthdays, work, and now, a bike on a trainer in the living room.
wait.
what now?
i've been busy as heck, and racing around new england
spanning time with so many loved ones.
that's real.
i was in connecticut for maple's graduation party,
i was in concord for embry's trampoline party.
i had a car full of seven year olds,
i had crabtree with me just about all the time,
i worked every other minute in between these journeys.
it's summer.
in summer you do important things all day every day until you fall asleep.
and if you get up early enough, that's a long day every day.
i spent just about twenty hours in the car over the weekend.
i feel it.
plus, AMPERSAND TATTOO has me packed tight with appointments
so when i'm not home, i'm going full steam ahead until dark.
if it's light out, i'm doing something.
for example, after leaving connecticut at 6:30 a.m.
and arriving in new hampshire at 11,
but before my big tattoo appointment at 1pm,
i ate 24 silver dollar pancakes on sunday.
i did.
why?
because i make questionable decisions, neighbors.
twenty four is too many.
which would've been great, except i also had vanilla coconut non-dairy ice cream,
and coconut whipped cream,
and real new hampshire maple syrup.
yup.
too much is the right amount, man.
look:

a stack of 3-4" pannieflappin' jacks.
just mounded mountains of coconut and oats and pat after pat of vegan butter.
yup.
i overloaded my whole face and body with these delicious bad boys,
then went to work,
then took my fiery female companion and alllll those kids out for pizza.
uh-huh.
there's a lot of pressure on food these days.
i dunno.
this is really just a catch-up post.
where've i been?
everywhere and nowhere,
and not nearly asleep enough to wake up refreshed.
but, pancakes help for sure;
never quiet, never soft.....

Friday, July 12

SUMMER PASTA!!

spinach powder?
yuuuuuuup!
that's a thing.
you know what it does?
it makes your pasta green.
and you know what that does?
not a lot, but it's pretty.
dudes, i made a ton of thick pasta ribbons for supper.
too much is the right amount, y'feel me?
and i added all the exxxtra actual spinach hottness to make it even MORE.
yeah.
look:

rainy summer nights aren't gonna stop my bright feelings, neighbors.
i got the big action poppin' right away-
dry-fried charred-up baby bella mushrooms.
pink salted and sizzled with just a little olive oil.
wilted baby spinach.
blistered and blackened baby plumbo tomato magic.
fried sliced garlic.
freshy-fresh garden-plucked basil.
crushed red pepper flakes.
guys-
that's seriously a miracle combo.
with a splash of that exxxtra-virgin oil jauns to lube 'em up.
-
and that pasta?
expert.
how am i doing it these days?
like this:
1 cup king arthur flour;
2/3 cups semolina flour;
1 tsp sea salt;
2 T olive oil;
1/2 tsp wheat gluten;
1/3 cup hot water;
2 tsp spinach powder.
i also added a little black pepper, because i'm a spicy fella, folks.
i kneaded the livin' heck out of that dough ball, rested it for over ten minutes,
and rolled it out and floured it up and then rolled up the rectangle into a tube,
slivered it at quarter inch intervals, and unrolled the strands,
to boil up in a pot of salty water-
it only takes a few minutes to cook up fresh pasta....
and the results are really elite.
*
whatever, man.
pasta is great.
i love carbs. i love mushrooms. i love basil. i love overeating.
i had all the things at once.
i also had a weird day that required eating all my feelings.
so i did.
breezy made a montage of a great number of magic moments,
and it punched me right in the heartpump.
it's great.
it's romantic.
it's sentimental.
it's beautiful.
and the only way to feel that much and survive?
more pasta to soak up the emotions, y'feel me?
yeah.
i have a lotta feelings, and she turns them up to eleven.
there's a lotta people in this world,
but there's only one who is really honed in on my world.
and she rocks my world like tectonic plate abrasion;
never quiet, never soft.....

GRILL-UPS!!

yeah!!
i get so righteous with the grill.
like, i'm almost kind of manly when it comes to raw fire and food.
right?
i mean, there's real chopped up wood burning over lump wood charcoal-
my grill is pretty serious, btw.
it's got an adjustable steel tray that raises or lowers to vary the heat and the flame-
i mean, it's not motorized or anything, but it's pretty frickin' dope.
ANYway, grillin' isn't normally a vegan's most favorite-
but vegan grilled pizza is for real the TRUTH.
that's no joke.
y'need that thick dough with that heavy-duty gluten
or else you get a sloppy, floppy burnt bummer.
but when you get it right, and you toast it a little baby bit on BOTH sides
for structure, before you top it with all your stuff...
that's miraculous.
look:

C'MONNNNN!!!!
fresh basil is a must.
and homemade cashew chee' turns it up.
the caramelized onion game around here is so good it almost feels like
having pizza without 'em would just be stoopid.
and we're not stoopid, bro.
nope.
we're hungry.
we got rosemary from the garden on there, and sliced fried garlic sprankles.
look, if you aren't about a simple maxxx-margherite pizza, that's fine-
but you're a diaper baby, and i hope you can live with that.
ha!
maybe you need some grilled broccolini?
i got you, kiddo:

WORD!
s'basically the same pizza, but with those skinny pseudo-brox on top
instead of the herbs.
they're both really dang good.
the dough?
it's got this in it:
2 cups of king arthur flour;
1 cup king arthur bread flour;
2 tsp sea salt;
2 T olive oil;
1 pkg fast actin' yeast;
1 cup warm water;
1 tsp wheat gluten;
1 tsp sugar.
kneaded up and tight af.
i use my mixer with the hook, and i beat it up for 11 minutes.
-
the cashew chee' is expert.
that's the big action.
1 cup of raw cashews;
1 cup of boiling water;
2 T lemon juice;
1/4 tsp sea salt;
3 T tapioca flour;
1/4 tsp GPOP.
i have that superhighpower smoothie blender thingy,
and i give it a minute of magic, and then transfer the mix to a small pot-
stirred on high heat until it's all hella thick.
dudes, that's the stuff...
on grilled pizza???? man, believe it-
even minced daiya can't compete-
the heat doesn't work the same on a grill as in an oven so the melt factor isn't the same-
but soft sexy cashew magic is exxxactly what you need...
*
as far as summer goes, grilled pizza is the 2019 all-star MVP.
that's what's up.
two pizzas in one night-
smoky, crisssspy crust.
crushed tomatoes are really terrific.
y'don't gotta go wild as hell, bruh-
but you DO have to make at least one of these...
you will make more if you do it right;
never quiet, never soft.....

Wednesday, July 10

GIRLS WITH SKULLS!

if you're a girl, and you get a skull tattoo,
you're probably just a little bit cooler than you were a second ago,
or maybe you're a supervillain,
or maybe you wish you were a dude on a motorcycle.
i dunno.
however, when i'm at AMPERSAND TATTOO,
skulls are my favorite and most bestest thing to tattoo.
so i don't really care why you're gettin' those headbones on your skin-
just keep doing it.
this one has a snake on it:

semi-stenciled and totally just made-up scales on that markered-on cobra.
all i'm sayin' is:
get more skulls.
and maybe get me a better camera.
jesus, i haven't accurately documented a tattoo in years.
but you get the idea-
skulls- cool.
snakes- medium cool.
leaves- very cool.
MORE........please;
never quiet, never soft.....

SOFTER!

slightly smaller soft flour tacos?
that means MORE tacos, really,
with less concern about being a grotesque glutton.
not that i'm really concerned about shark gluttony,
but i do like to delude myself into feeling like maybe i'm a responsible adult,
instead of an overreacting, overeating, overreaching greedy-boi,
overdoing all the things all the time.
then again, too much is the right amount,
and i might wanna just embrace the face-stuffing feeding frenzy that comes
from munchin' up another 'nother taco or two.
yeah.
i think that's a good idea.
check the teleport:

SOFTIES FOR LIIIIFFFEEEE!!!
damn, i appreciate these flour flaps so much more after those crap shrapnel crunchy ones.
f'real.
and that carrot escabeche?

WORDIMUS PRIME!
that's a purple carrot, cider vinegar, raw sugar and pink salt,
bubbled up on the stove to saturate and soften those slices 
so that they slide into a taco and turn it up to eleven.
i mean, a pinch here and there, and you're in business.
i love that stuff a whole lot.
-
and there's avocado, because avocado is expert.
and pickled jalapenos for sharp tangy heat.
and cilantro to freshen it up.
AND red onion sprankles because they're kyoot.
and lettuce? heck yes, lettuce.
dudes, i got that rice on there.
i know, right?
i'm a starchy fella.
cilantro and lime and lime zest and jasmine rice.
i like a tasty rice scenario. i'm good like that.
-
and the main event on these bad babies is veggie crumbles and black beans-
it's like taco "meat" except not dead bodies.
and that's better by a mile.

YUMMMMM!
a cuppa chopped tomatoes,
a quarter cup of chiopped red onions,
3 T cilantro stems and leaves;
1/2 jalapeno;
1/4 cup minced sweet peppers;
1/2 cup black beans;
1/2 cup veggie crumbles;
plus, GPOP, cumin, coriander, smoked paprika, oregano, cayenne,
black pepper and pink salt.....
y'just simmer the heck outta it, and that's so simple
i really don't even think it counts as cooking although it definitely counts as delicious.
i mean,
six tacos, even smallies, isn't nuthin'.
especially when they're full of stuff, which is smart-
if only because they're SO much better when they're FAT.
mmmm.
just eat a lot of vegan tacos and you will absolutely be a better person.
that's a fact although i've got zero documentation of the stats that may prove it.
i've got NO ideas for dinner tonight, though.
i'm all taco'd out.
there's always pizza, but i mean, c'mon.
we get it- pizza is the best.
honestly, by the time i get home i wanna eat right away
and then be done with everything and take it easy.
i'm tired.
i must be getting old.
or possibly too full.
i'm not sure.
i just know that i have no enthusiasm to go shopping or do dishes,
and there's only so much i can make with what i have on hand.
it might be get-creative day at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
ok, ok, EVERY day is already-
but this might apply to dinner specifically;
never quiet, never soft.....

STRAWBERRY TART!

gluten-free vegan strawberry birthday tart!
yeah.
y'gotta have a treat on your birthday.
rules is rules.
you're fully activated with birthday magic when there's a sweet treat,
and candles,
and frosting.
the kids liked it.
i liked it.
we sang the song and breezy made a wish,
and everybody was happy.
we ate it up. we licked our lips. we had a second slice.
that's it.
check the teleport:

STRAWBERRY!!
...and chocolate!
that's a delicious, and some might even say romantic combination.
how do you make something like this?
well, you'll need a tall-sided fluted tart pan, man.
at least, you will if you want the scalloped edges.
and then you just do this:
-

TART'N BERFDAYBERRY TREAT!
-
preheat your oven to 350℉
-
in your food processor, combine:
1 cup bob's all-purpose gf flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/4 cup sugar;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 stick vegan butter;
1/3 cup gf oats;
1/4 cup unsweetened coconut flakes;
1/4 cup bob's 1:1 gf flour;
1/2 cup mama's almond blend gf flour.
pulse it up,
and add in 1/4 cup non-dairy milk,
then give it a little choppy-chop until it forms a stickyish crumbly dough-
press it into that tart pan, and bake it for twenty minutes or so.
you get that crisp, thick, handsome crust when you do it right.
-
now,
in a 1 quart saucepot, on low heat, mix together:
16 oz. vegan creamchee';
1 tsp vanilla;
1 1/2 cups chopped frozen strawberries;
3 T tapioca;
1 T cornstarch;
1/4 cup non-dairy milk.
whisk all that up until it's uniform,
and turn the heat UP to set those starches.
neighbors, it gets thick as heck, and that's when you pour it into your crust.
mmmhmmmm.
i added cacao nibs.
i did.
i like 'em.
and when it cooled off? (that takes a bit, i refrigerated it to speed things up a bunch)
chocolate frosting, bruh!
AND powdered sugary sprankles.
that's what's up.
MORE flavors means MORE enjoyment.
tight.
*
i do love a berfday.
i do love a lady.
i do love when we all span a special moment together.
and i love a treat, for sure;
never quiet, never soft.....

Monday, July 8

TACOCERATOPS

crunchy tacos are a F*ing bummer, bro.
fallaparty shards of cornchipped shrapnel crap.
if you like 'em? shame on you.
they're NOT expert.
not at all.
and i'm not sorry for sayin' it, because that's a fact.
i tried again, and i was disappointed, again.
check it out:

everything was SO super-tasty .....except those busted-A* bummery shells.
and who is surprised by that?
look, if you can't eat wheat, eat SOFT corn jauns, man.
please.
these cracked-up crappers just don't rock my world.
i had radishes on there, for crunch.
and crisp pointy-leaf letuuce, because i feel like that's important.
and cilantro because i LOVE it.
and jalapeno rings, to heat things up just a little baby bit.
and red onion sprankles, because that's how you make 'em good, kids.
duh.
don't be dumb.
-
i had my nootch-boosted ho'saucy refried beans up in there.
that's 15 oz of refritas, plus 1 tsp coconut oil,
and 3 T chopped onion,
and 2 T nutritional yeast,
and 1 tsp ea Garlic Powder and Onion Powder,
and 2 T of my homeboy texas pete's ho'sauce.
they're fuego as F*, amigos. that's no joke.
a fattie-boombattie layer of those goes in first.
then the lettuce, then the black bean hash.
wait.
what?
oh, yeah.
i made that.
and it's elite.
-
*
BLACK BEAN HASH!
-
1 cup of black beans,
2 T chopped red onion;
1/2 cup rainbow bell peppers, minced;
1/2 jalapeno, diced;
1/2 cup quartered baby sweet grape tomatoes;
1/3 cup cilantro stems and leaves;
1 tsp coconut oil-
plus, 1/4 tsp black pepper;
1/2 tsp hot smoked paprika and oregano;
1/4 tsp cumin and corianderl
1/2 tsp chipotle pepper powder;
dash of cayenne.
-
^^^^ fry that up over high heat until the onions soften, and you're done.
*
you do the things.
you chop the vegetables.
you stir the pans.
and then just like *that* you've got what you wanted all along:

flavors all a-poppin',
textures mostly all good, too-
i'm sayin'- if these had been in gently toasted soft flour flaps?
they'd have been epic.
instead, inside these frag-grenade oven-crisp corn hazard folders,
they were deliciously less-than-eleven.
i still ate 'em up fast and furiously.
i even tuned-up the leftover bits that didn't fit inside the shells.
of course, three shells broke before i even put anything inside 'em,
so those became chips to scoople up all the exxxtras.
i'm not trying to waste anything over here except time.
and that's slipping past far too quickly.
a dog walk after dinner,
a little italian ice to soothe my sweet tooth,
and i was out cold in a blink.
this sunroom bedroom that breezy decided on is kind of doing the trick.
i'm up earlier, which isn't my favorite,
but four-thirty is a fine time for my first wake-up.
i go back to sleep these days, though.
i must be getting old.
ANYway, use soft tortillas.
that's the takeaway from this experience;
never quiet, never soft.....

BERFDAY!!!

breezy is thirty-three today!!
that's an eleven year, y'know?
and that means that the big action, and the big love,
and the huge heart exxxplosions of good feelings start right now,
and go on all frickin' year.
yup.
that's what that means, man, and rules is rules so we've gotta make it magical.
or else.
luckily, there's a whole year of swirling, unfurling whirlwind romance to be had.
we can pace ourselves.

i'm making a second sweet gluten-free treat for my tasty lady-
i do that.
and it's her berfday, bruh.
y'gotta have a treat on your berfday....or else.
we've had a wild year-
from simple chats with an old friend reconnected with,
to the first kisses,
to *¡surprise!* little baby lilli arriving with the surgical-strike quickness
of cupid's laser-guided arrow.
we've had the back and the forth of a hundred years,
and the lakes and the mountains,
and all the seasons,
and a big ol' blended familytime.
...i mean, daaaaaaaaamn, dudes.
 right?
that's a lot to undertake in such a short time,
but, when you've got an electromagnetic connection to another human being,
that current pulls you towards your superconductin' ironclad heart-partner.
there's no gettin' away from it.
and so, here we are, kids.
a couple of warrior poets celebrating the anniversary of her big debut.
i say happy freakin' berfday, and i mean it.
i'm happy about it.
i'm overjoyed about the person i span time with.
smart, and funny, and (too) strong, and opinionated,
and familiar and new and exciting,
and comforting and aggravating and all the things you'd expect from an
evenly-matched other-half plus all the turbo-mega-hottness that makes my head get dizzy.
i've only had the pleasure of one full year,
which comprises just two birthy days so far,
but i know there's more where that came from.
happy birthday to my favorite fiery raging stormswept pajama mama.
i've got heart eyes about it;
never quiet, never soft.....

COVERED UP!

i did a cover-up,
and i only did two things wrong, guys.
yup.
i forgot to take a picture of the before image.
and i forgot to take a picture of the drawn-on boomfire rough draft
that i whipped up over it.
all i've got to show is the finished product,
and that's okay...because it's expert, and we all like that sort of thing.
don't we?
we DO.
word.
check it out:

that's that DEMONICA LEWINSKY jauns, boi!
hahaha.
there was a reaper wizard conjuring flames under there.
my dude jess was like: do what you do, anything is better than what i have.
...which is true, but also,
if i can doo-doo something dope over some doo-doo buttery old tatty'boi poop?
i'm for sure gonna get expert with the sharpie marky-markers every time.
a six horned, four winged, tentacle chinny-chin-chinned tusked devil goat?
don't mind me, neighbors-
i'm just covering a wizard up with a summoned anti-angel from the pit and that.
yeah.
AMPERSAND TATTOO is where the good stuff happens.
making tattooing fun in twenty nineteen is what's up.
if you want it, we've got it.
so come and get it, or don't...i'm not the boss of you;
never quiet, never soft.....

JELLY?

jellyfish!
yup.
i live tattooing a jellyfish.
and each time i do one, they get a baby bit better than the last time.
jell'ous?
ha!
jordyn has a full back of tattoo magic now-
this was the last puzzle piece to fit in, on her shoulder-
and that's a big deal-
we did seven sittings total, 
and she had maybe four tattoos already on there,
so all told, she sat like a rock, took her lumps, and now she's all done!
we did it, and that's pretty freakin' cool.
AMPERSAND TATTOO is where the drawn-on hottness happens,
and where the conversation is as eclectic as the myriad artistic styles we create.
if you're dumb, or boring, go somewhere else-
but if you're a competent and capable appreciator of expertism,
we'll find you some time on the schedule to make a few dreams come true;
never quiet, never soft.....

Sunday, July 7

MANLY MAN-DALA!

too many lines,
soooo many dots,
blacks, greys, hexagons, triangles, diamonds, and starbursts.
that's how i'd describe my day with bill.
he got a lot of first tattoo,
and my hands kinda hurt about it:

WORD.
it isn't just triceratops and skulls around here, bro.
AMPERSAND TATTOO is where alllll the hot fire gets cooked up.
the most kinds of art.
the most kinds of tattoos.
the most kinds of conversation,.
the most kinds of seltzer, boi.
too much is the right amount,
and that's what we're about;
never quiet, never soft.....

BERFDAYS

so, i did a pretty freakin' cool tattoo the other night.
i went back late to the studio, like in the dark,
and tattooed breezy.
i don't think i've ever gotten worse pictures than by semi-florescent and table-lamp light.
so, between the swelling and the redness and the poor quality photos,
you'll just have to believe me when i tell you i had such a good time doing it.
an antique syringe and insulin vial for her number one type one diabetic baby, cali.
i like these girls, y'know?
so i did a thing, and it was just part of a berfday night out.
we had thai food at a spot that was positively smoked out with kitchen fire grease.
and we got coffees to wake the eff up for all the food and funtimes, too.
so, there was tattooing and thai, coffee and cake and love and laughs
and dark nighttime sunroom camp-outs.
yeah.
rearranging the cushions and pillows and tables in the long, strong sunshine room
for a summertime skyline sleepover was F*ing expert.
and that cake was really good, neighbors.
gluten-free, and vegan, and chocolate.
all good things.
check it:

YES!
now, it isn't her real birthday until tomorrow, so this is just the first cake,.
there'll be another one, too.
but it's soft and sweet and deep and dark and dope,
and i like all of that.
i kept it single layer, and frosted it like the moon.
cake is cool and all, but we don't need to run around getting all full
before bedtime with sugar and chocolate and whatever-
so keeping it simple is the key.
the recipe?
easyish.
here you go:
-

GFVCHOCOCAKE!
-
preheat your oven to 350℉
-
grease a 9" springform pan;
-
in your upright mixer with the whisk affixed, cream up:
1 cup sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/3 cup brown sugar;
2 ts vanilla;
1 stick ( 8 T) softened vegan butter.
whisk in:
1/2 cup non-dairy yogurt;
2 T vegan sour creme;
1/3 cup cacao-
combine that all into a soft frothy mush,
then add:
1 cup bob's all purple gf flour;
1/2 cup bob's 1:1 gf flour;
1 cup mama's gf almond flour blend;
2 T tapioca flour;
1 tsp ea. baking soda and powder;
1 cup non-dairy milk.
-
whip it up, spread it evenly into that springy pan, and bake it for 40 minutes or so,
until a tester comes out clean from the center.
let it cool completely,
which does take longer with dense moist glutenless baked goods...
and then frost it up.
-
frosting is basically 3 cups of flour, 1 stick of vegan butter, 1/3 cup s'milk,
and whatever else you plan on adding-
i had 3 T of ground coconut in this one-
and i added cacao of course, to make it extra good.
plus, raw cacao sprankles on top to turn it up to eleven.
-
i am grateful to know this woman.
i'm grateful for the time and the talks and the touches,
and the laughs and the debates and the intricacies of our interpersonal connection 
and the mundane and magical moments we share.
she's the most like me i've ever encountered in another person.
i like it.
it's enlightening and frightening and exciting,
and i'm lucky and i'm better for the experience.
it's almost birthday time, and i'm excited to be part of it.
it's all really happening, and my heart is happy about it;
never quiet, never soft.....

Friday, July 5

JULY PARTY!

grilled pizza and pasta salad.
no.
really.
not at the same time, but in a row.
uh-huh.
that's good for you.
pasta salad is the most summery of summertime things to me,
and you know i made two kinds, too.

yup.
gluten-full rainbow squiggler jauns,
AND gluten-free brown-rice yummers for my breezy lady.
we got red, orange, yellow, and green peppers,
red onion, cucumber, baby grape tomatoes, and chick peas all up in it to win it.
and this version has some fancy expensive organic italian dressing
all over it to slip and slide it full of molto delicious flavor, bro.
that's real.
if you don't eff with pasta salad, you're effed up, and that's a fact.
mmmmm.
i love it, and i look forward to summertime specifically because of it.
ha.
i'm serious.
*
and what's better than pizza?
nothing.
not once. not ever.
grilled pizza, with open flames and high heat and woodsmoke
and outdoor summertime sunshine power?
c'mon, neighbors-
if you need some happiness in your life.....
...maybe what you really need is pizza on the grill.
hey. just consider it; it might actually be true.
wood and charcoal and iron grates and great times.
that's phase two of the fourth of july.
phase one was sweating and playing with all those kids outside.
then the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress woodshed got raided
for some fresh-split kindling to burn hot and bright on the raised coal bed
of my elite luxury handfire grill.
that's expert.
and the pizzas were too.
check the fireworkin' teleport:

WOOOOOOOOO!!!
and another:

YEAHHHHH!!!!!
too much is the right amount, right?
right!
the cashew chee' was perfect:
-
*
CASHEWMOZZ'!
-
in a high-speed blender, combine:
1 cup + 2 T boiling water;
1/4 tsp sea salt;
1/4 tsp GPOP;
3 T tapioca;
2 T lemon juice;
1 cup raw cashews;
2 T nootch.
pulse it until totally uniformly blended,
then transfer it to a small non-stick pot to thicken over medium high heat.,
stirring a LOT.
that's essential.
how easy is that?
when it pulls away clean from the sides, it's done.
and a few scooples of it on a pizza is tiiiiiiight.
-
so, you HAVE to grill the dough  first, before you dress your pizzas.
rules is rules,
otherwise it doesn't work at all.
so,
make a stiff dough, bro.
so you can scorch and sear and firm it up without it oozing between the grates.
-
*
TWOZZA DOUGH!
-
this'll make a couple pies, guys.
in your stand-mixer, as always, with the hook on it, combine:
2 3/4 cups king arthur flour;
1 T sea salt;
3 T olive oil;
1 pkg fast-actin' yeast;
1 tsp bread machine yeast;
1 tsp sugar;
1 tsp wheat gluten;
1 1/4 cup warm water, + more as needed.
beat it up for 11 minutes, then let it rise for twenty or so.
punch it down, divide it, and dunk each in flour as you stretch 'em on the peel.
45 seconds per side is all you'll need over short flames
to season and prepare 'em for topping.
EASY!
-
and i grilled some tomatoes in one of those stainless baskets,
and i firesteamed a bunch of broccoli in foil, with oil salt and pepper,
and i caramelized some onions,
and i plucked garden fresh basil,
and there was fried garlic slices,
and rosemary sprigs,
and crushed tomatoes,
and olive oil,
and joy.
the joy of pizza outdoors and excellent.
that's my idea of a perfect display of freedom.
no animals got chopped up and burnt.
nobody had to have a bad time.
there was only competence and capability and pizza.
oh.
and pasta salad, too.
so simple, but so good.-
i didn't watch the fireworks.
i just don't wanna anymore.
i did do a bunch of exercise, and watch the flash on netflix, though.
that was better.
dang, dudes-
i used to be an adventurer.
and now i'm pretty much just a heavy-handed hard-style hermit,
but that's just fine with me;
never quiet, never soft.....

Thursday, July 4

4TH!!!

hey neighbors, i bet there'll be some fireworks later-

i mean, really, man.
you need a tattoo today?!
go get a sunburn while you're on a boat.
be excited about the country you live in that you've never been out of.
or the town you live in that you've never been out of.
or the house you live in that you've never been out of.
outside there'll be rockets red glares and bombs bursting in the air,
and tank-topped flag-wavers congregating to stare upwards.
this is america.
don't get caught slippin', bruh;
never quiet, never soft.....

AVOCADO!

dudes,
it's just toast......but better.
yeah.
i mean, c'mon- avocado toast is good stuff,
and if you have a LOT of avocado?
well, then you're probably having a good time, y'know?
mmhmm.
look:

homemade sourdough toast!
mashed ripe avocado!
cilantro leaves.
fire-roasted tomato flakes.
crawnchy radishes.
thin-sliced purple carrot.
blackened halved baby sweet grape tomatoes.
and agave-glazed pepitas...
when you can combine that many tasty things it'll always be expert.
the bread is what makes it really great.
that's real.
good bread makes better people,
and it certainly makes or breaks an epic breakfast snack too.
if you're the kind of person who eats things with your mouth?
you should probably try some of this.
it's basically made to go in there;
never quiet, never soft.....

Wednesday, July 3

SWT!

sick.
wolf.
tat.

that's right;
NQNS.....

BLOOBZ!

gluten-free vegan blueberry muffins.
you want a story about all the fun i had yesterday?
how about a tale of quesadillas and bell peppers?
store dumplings and crochet blankets?
well, sorry, bro.
the big news is the muffins.
y'feel me?
check the teleport:

blueberry muffins are the best muffins.
real talk.
and with raw sugar sprankles and little oaty bits on top?
c'mon.
that's expert.
wanna make some for the people in your life who don't eat wheat?
alright.
-
*
BLUEBERRY JAUNS!
-
preheat your oven to 350℉
-
in a mixin' bowl, cream up:
1 cup sugar;
1 stick ( 8 T ) vegan butter;
2 tsp vanilla.
add in, and stir up:
3 T vegan sour creme;
3 T plain unsweetened coconut yogurt.
add in:
2 T tapioca flour;
1 tsp ea baking kapowder and soda;
1 cup bob's ap baking flour;
1/2 cup bob's 1:1 flour;
1 cup mama's almond flour;
1 cup frozen wild maine blueberries;
1 cup non-dairy milk.
combine all that, and stir it gently to fold in all the blueberries.
grease a muffin tin, and add in all the stuff, one scoople at a time.
i feel like you shouldn't need to be told that,
but i also don't know if you'd do it right.
so now you know.
add a pinch of oats and sugar to each top and bake 'em for thirty minutes.
that's it.
firm, soft, warm, sweet, berry-magical little breakfast bombs for your face.
that's all you need, nerds;
never quiet, never soft.....

RULES...

everybody knows you make cinnamon buns on the first.
rules is rules.
look:

DOPE, right?
i know.
here's the recipe-
-
*
CINNAMONKEYS!
-
preheat the oven to 375℉
-
in a small saucepot, on low heat, combine:
4 T vegan butter;
1 cup non-dairy milk;
2 tsp vanilla;
until melted...
allow it to cool a little baby bit- warm is cool, hot is baddddd.
-
in your upright stand-mixer, dough-hooked and ready, combine:
3 cups flour;
1/2 tsp sea salt;
1/2 tsp wheat gluten;
1/4 cup sugar;
1/2 tsp cinnamon;
1 pkg fast-actin' yeast;
and that milky butter stuff.......
knead it up for 11 minutes.
you want that sturdy, shiny dough ball-
let it rise for 15 minutes.
-
roll it out, on a floured surface, into a rectangle,
and spread some cinnamon sugary filling from the long edge to both short edges,
and leave an inch margin on the last long edge,
to seal it shut when you roll the whole thing into a spiral log.
hmm?
what's the filling?
really?
i do this once a month, cmon.
ok, okay, OKAY-
1 cup brown sugar;
1 tsp cinnamon;
1/4 tsp nutmeg;
1 tsp vanilla;
6 T vegan butter.
all smooshed together, and spread out so smoothly.
-
cut your rolled up buns into 12 pieces,
and arrange them in a BIG cast iron pan,
with parchment spread in there for the easiest clean up.
that's all.
bake it for 33 minutes of so, maybe a little longer
if you want that extra-bubbly sugary caramel hottness...
and then you ice 'em up-
powdered sugar and vanilla and s'milk-
but, i did DOUBLE drizzle, too, dudes.
the second one was thinner, and drippier, and full of MORE cinnamon.
mmhmmmmmmmmm.
that's the thing we do around here.
you know it.
i know it.
everybody knows it.
i had half the pan.
i didn't need to, but i wanted to, so i did.
too much is the right amount.
that's the way we start the month;
never quiet, never soft.....

Monday, July 1

THIS ONE!

when john comes to town, he gets cooler tattoos than you.
i'm sorry, but it's the truth.
he literally sits down and says, do whatever comes to mind....
and a lotta tattooers would ask for direction,
or try to do some classy japan tattz,
or something from their sketchbook-
not me, neighbors.
i don;t even have a sketchbook.
but i do have one heck of a list of wanna-do's,
and i also have a marker or three,
and a bunch of creativity backed up,
which i don't normally need when i'm bammin' out those day-to-day
mortgage-payin' money tattz, y'feel me?
so when i CAN do the real sh!t?
the stuff that makes me LOOOOVE tattooing?
you KNOW i'm taking one-hunna-percent advantage of the situation.
that's f'really real.
this time, i did my favorite dinosaur,
dressed for vacationing in the place i understand the least:

a triceratops wearing tricera-crocs a la lake winnepesaukee second-homeowner.
hahahahhahahhhhhaaaaaha.
F* yeah!
stop getting pinterest tattoos.
you're better than that, aren't you?
right?
i think so.
get some fun tattz.
get some wild sh!t.
get into the big action and make everybody happier.
i believe in you.
i believe in me.
i believe in us.
i got you, boo-boo,
now get your butt over to AMPERSAND TATTOO
and skip the line by getting a tattoo that your artist actually likes.
everybody wins here;
never quiet, never soft.....

RRRABBIT! RRRRABBIT!!

yeah, i said it-
obviously, if there are magic words that you must say at the beginning of the month,
you'd best believe i'm gonna do exactly that.
right?
rules is rules, after all.
and when you know 'em, you might wanna follow 'em-
especially if they're there to summon spirit and memory and fortune
and fresh-to-death favorable outcomes.
y'know?
that's right.
so i said the thing, first thing, straight from opened eyes to opened mouth.
that's how you do it, if you plan to do it.
and out into the aether erupted the sacred syllables:
rabbit! rabbit!!
yuuuuuup.
...and now the whole damned month is gonna be molto expert.
that's how that works.
and when i said bye bye to june, i did it with six tattoos-
uh-huh.
but before all of that, i made some crissspy waffles.
mmhmm.
check 'em out:

WAFFLES ARE TIIIIIGHT!
and when you 100% overdo it?
when the whole shootin' match goes to eleven?
then you know you're dope, and your morning is dope,
and your whole life might get a baby bit better because of it.
f'realsies.
real maple syrup? ✔
blueberry-raspberry compote? ✔
coconut whipped cream? ✔
vanilla non-dairy ice cream? ✔
kapowdered sugary sprankles??! ✔✔
too much is the right amount, and if you aren't committed to that,
we aren't having brekkie together, bro.
so, whaddya need?
recipes?
ok.
-
*
COMPOTENT!
-
in a small sauce pot, on medium heat, combine:
1/4 cup powdered sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1/4 tsp lemon zest;
1/4 tsp lemon extract;
1 cup wild maine blueberries;
1/2 cup frozen raspberries...
get that all liquidy and wet and soft,
then remove 3 t of liquid, add 2 tsp organic non-GMO cornstarch,
whisk,
add in, and turn up the heat.
uh-huh.
stir the whole thing until it thickens, quickle, then get ready to have your face
explode with joy at the full bodied textural triumph of this stuff.
that's no joke.
*
and the waffs themeselves?
easy:
-
*
WAFFZ!
-
heat up your waffle iron.
-
in a mixing bowl,
combine:
2/3 cup king arthur ap flour;
1/4 tsp salt;
1/2 cup oat flour;
3 T ground unsweetened coconut;
1 tsp ea baking soda and powder;
3 T sugar;
3 T melted vegan butter;
1/4 cup vegan sour creme;
1 cup plus 2 T non-dairy ilk;
2 tsp vanilla.
stir it up, rest it for fifteen minutes or more,
then let the iron do it's job.
i told you already- it's easy.
-
and now it's july.
today is the day.
i got cinnamon buns in the oven,
i got the calendar page flipped,
i have all the positive mental attitude i can muster up.
july is the start of for really real sunmmertime.
this is it.
and it's one of the better months, tbh.
i can only think of like, two people who are from july who are awful.
almost everybody else is pretty cool when they're a julyer.
y'know?
i think that's a rule.
and i do love a good rule;
never quiet, never soft.....