Wednesday, January 31


5x the flour flaps!
taco tuesday number five already, and it's somehow still only january...
shoutouts to the longest month in history.
and what's more,
there's a super blue blood moon out there over my head this morning,
tugging insistently at all of my lycanthropic lunacies,
urging the emergence of that never-desired werewolfen wild'n out.
that's a thing.
i can feel it pulsing like blood, like magnetics and gravity surging the tide,
and raising the cold iron in that hot lava running through my veins.
the moon is big as heck, and round, and close, and bright bright brighter than ever,
reflecting and refracting the blueish hues that bounce across the winter lansdcape,
in old snow and glare ice.....
it's all really happening, man.
and that's today, tonight, tomorrow;
always, all the time, from the bath in satellite rays,
to the brutal cold and bitter wind,
and the timestamps and milemarkers that make up real life in the woodsly goodness.
it's a wolfman blood sacrifice in the sky, a blue moon blue light special,
and it's also the last day of the first month of the year.
neighbors, that's a LOT.
but anyway,
back to tuesday, and tacos.
as usual, i created an overdose of delicious dopeness in abundance.
i don't know why i can't rein it in and get a hold of my ambitions.
...i guess i just really like fat tacos.
check the taco cinco type teleport:

look at those bad boys.
coconut-lime black and white ricey jasmine jauns!!
a spoonful of coconut, a heavy squeeze of lime,
and a scoop of blended dried garlic-and-onion in with mostly jasmine rice,
activated with a small sprink of black hulled hottness to dye 'em all pretty in lavender.
and then there's that turmeric tempeh!
that's where it's at.
onion, minced jalapeno, and cubed tempeh, sauteed in coconut oil,
with a heaping spoonful of turmeric and a whole mess of black pepper
-to more effectively increase bioavailabilty an' that.
a spoonful of cumin, and coriander, and a little lime zest,
plus Garlic Powder and Onion Powder, too for good measure.
all of that, toasted up, and then simmered in 1/2 cup water, until all of it is absorbed.
you've got yellow bean cakes, fully loaded in spices,
herb crusted to perfection while superbly soft inside.
that's tight, kids. i recommend it.
habanero pink beans and leeks?!?!
one minced up red habanero, and half a leek, sizzlin' for a minute in olive oil,
with one 15oz can of rinsed pink beans,
GPOP, nootch, oregano, smoked paprika, and lime juice complete the look.
these little spicebombs had us coughing.
the vaporized capsaicin tried to choke us out, but it failed,
and the results were not so hot as to be unenjoyable,
juts definitely very spicy in a very satisfying way.
(i might've added a little sugar to help out with that.)
salsa fresca, with sweet baby red pepper, heirloom rainbow tomatoes,
red onion, cilantro, salt and lime juice had us in the ZONE, for sure.
it's just so good on top of all that other other stuff.
on it's own, it's refreshing, but on the top? it's ravishing.
me gusta lie a mofo, yo.
real talk.
pickled mixed veggies are forever ON the list.
pink salt, raw sugar, cider vinegar (enough to cover the veg),
and radishes, carrot, jalapeno, and onion, boiled and cooled and enjoyed
in all their completely briny, shiny, slightly crunchy glory.
have you made any yet?
well you should.
i know i'm not the boss of you, but i am your friend;
and as your friend i'm suggesting a small pot of these for your next taco experience.
just sayin'.
and we've got scallion and red onion and sweet onion sprankles, of course.
too much is the right amount after all.
and pea shoots.
and baby green leaf lettuce.
there's plenty of fresh cilantro, too.
and radicchio, because that sh!t is so pretty.
red pepper rings? of course, a little sweet crunch is welcome on my plate for sure.
cukes? hell yeah, bro. cukes are dope and that's a fact.
is that all?
there's exxxtra limes, and more importantly:
AVO-F*ING-CADO, homie.
i'll bet you could have some simple tacos,
and that's fine, if you're an underachiever.
those of us who want MORE out of life,
and each meal and everything else
couldn't settle for some hard shelled box mix even if we wanted to.
why not?
i'll tell you why not-
because box mix is for jerks, and because it's a bummer.
and we don't want bummers.
we want that super-deluxxxe exxxtra-fancu unnecessary indulgence that reminds us
that being dope is way better than being lazy.
instead of making fun, or even having fun,
i'm making dinner and having seconds.
and that's precisely how i prefer it;
never quiet, never soft.....

Tuesday, January 30


muffins! muffins! muffins!
i'm a muffin person, dudes.
ok. ok. that's fair-
i'm also a cake, pie, cookie, tart person, to;
but for this post, i'm the mutha-lickin' muffin man, man.
blueberry muffins are among the most revered of all muffins.
i'm with that.
the thing is- i can't leave well enough alone,
so my bloobs are never just bloobs.
and these new bloobie bloobers are yet another 'nother example of that.
check the teleport:

these are the ones, neighbors.
uh-huh. the ones that make that blueberry sh!t go to eleven.
white chocolate chips.
streusel AND raspberry frosting.
hell yes that's what we're reppin' in the woodsly goodness for breakfast.
why two sizes?
because too much is the right amount, bro.
jeez, keep up why don'tcha...
ok, so i know you want to make some,
so i s'pose that's the next thing to discus and describe.
preheat your oven to 350℉
in an appropriately-proportioned mixing bowl, combine and cream:
1 stick (8T) vegan butter;
3/4 cup sugar;
2 tsp vanilla;
1/2 tsp salt.
once completely blended, stir in:
2/3 cup non-dairy yogurt (you could totally use blueberry or vanilla here, for exxtraness)
next, add:
2 1/4 cups a.p. flour;
1/3 cup macaroon-fine unsweetened coconut;
1 tsp baking powpow;
1 tsp baking soda;
1/2 cup wild small blueberries;
one huge handful vegan magic white chocolate chips;
and one cup of non-dairy milk.
combine all of that, gently, but completely,
and scoople it evenly into your greased cupcake/muffin tins.
i got a dozen regular-sized, and two dozen midi-minis...
some of 'em have that streusel.
y'all eff with y'boi dr. streus?
oh, c'mon.
it's a scoop of vegan butts, a bigger scoop of powdered sugar,
a spoonful or two of that fine coconut, and oats, cut together until clumpy.
eyeball it. that's a great way to intuit your own hottness.
i've literally never measured streusel ingredients.
because the worst case scenario is you made cookie dough,
and the best case is that there's a a lot of it.
throw those crOmbles on top,
and bake those bad little blumps for 30 minutes.
they're too freakin' tasty, and they caused problems amongst all my peoples.
two dozen bite-sized prizes, AND those crumb-caked bloobonauts from the future???
mutha-'uckers said they tasted like cereal.
like, they were called spookyfruits.
no. i have no idea what that means either.
i do know that the leftover raspberry frosting only served
as a magic metric activator for the flavors that were already inside these little nubs.
i ate a lot.
...we all ate a lot.
nobody felt bad.
how could we?
soft, firm, slightly textured toothsome treats are what we want all the time.
and that's just it: we HAVE those all the time.
is that what winning tastes like?
i think it might be.
i get up pretty early.
not as early as some, but i do rise and shine
before the sun peeks out over the horizon.
my first light delights are well underway, every day,
from dark til dark,
bookending any bright spots under the cover of shadows.
that's real.
to add another darkside dimension to my mornings,
i'm kinda sore in ways i haven't been in an age.
that's also real.
rules is rules though,
and while nobody prefers a blarpity oddbody,
the proactive preventative process of push-ups for peepants is already bumming me out.
but, i mean, those are the rules.
for realsies,
i really did not think that pushing up was gonna wear me out.
but, every single time i pee, the follow-up is twenty.
i'm not kidding.
why peeing?
because it's dry af up here,
and i need to stay hydrated before i wither and shrivel and crumple into kindling.
so peeing often means plenty of liquid is coursing through my cells,
and pushing up means i get some sort of practical aesthetic benefit to all those bathroom breaks.
it is not a lot of fun;
but it IS good for me, i think.
i'll tell you what, kids-
the first twenty in the a.m., and the last twenty before bed are the worst.
how long is this in effect for?
what's the duration of the decree?
well i won't be doing them in a public bathroom,
because i am NOT touchin' up on any sticky stinkfoot common areas, bro.
it's conditional, but also not that conditional.
on the ones, when am i in a public bathroom?
or out in public?
i'll be fine.
besides, broken is fixed?
never quiet, never soft.....

Monday, January 29


man, i effed up a chocolate raspberry cake.
i did.
i should've know it was gonna go wrong,
but i ignored the nagging doubts at the edges of my mind,
and instead ran against time constraints and consistency obstacles,
which ended up bestowing me with a too-soft center in my treat.
it happens... especially when using frozen fruit.
that's real.
 even with a longer baking time, the middle mas a muddy mush.
i'm telling y'all-
frozen raspberries are my enemy.
they are.
this is not the first time i miscalculated the hydration involved
especially since the batter was initially really flippin' thick.
it ended well.
i'll say that.
the edges all baked up like the best brownie you've ever eaten-
crispy on the contact surfaces, spongy and fudgy as the interior got gooey-
and FULL of deep chocolate flavor, and berry tartness,
and heavy-duty sweetness, too.
check the adapt-and-overcome-type teleport:

the recipe is a little difficult to list accurately,
since an entire 3 1/2" center was excavated away.
there are three kinds of frosting,
AND raw sugar sprankles, however.
that's right.
too much is the right amount,
even when not enough has just happened to happen to the entire middle.
i think a higher baking temperature, for a longer time,
with convection circulation might've cured the ills that befell this baddie...
but it tastes F*ing great anyway.
and, the raspberry creamchee' betterestcreme, whipped chocolate,
and chocolate raspberry swirls on top didn't hurt it one little baby bit, either.
i'll tell you what i did,
in the hope that you can adjust for my mistakes-
it's like this:
preheat your oven to 365℉
in a medium mixing bowl, thoroughly mash:
1 cup demerara sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 stick (8T) vegan butter;
2 tsp vanilla.
add 1/2 cup cocoa;
4 T non-dairy yogurt.
next, stir in:
1/2 cup lil mini chocolate chips;
2 1/4 cups a.p. flour;
1 tsp bakey kapowder;
1 tsp bakin' soda;
1/2 cup frozen raspberries;
1/2 cup non-dairy milk.
stir it up, spread it out in a pan-
i'd imagine a rectangle brownie pan would've been SO much smarter,
but i used a 9" springform, and that's where the mudbutt all went wrong.
even after an hour of baking, the innermost ring was still sh!t.
it sunk, and sucked, and suffered the price of failure-
that's correct.
i gave it the ol' middlectomy, and let the brownie battery big action do the rest.
it's good.
tastewise, it's actually freakin' incredible.
that's good news, at least.
try it yourself.
the flavor combination is at the top of my list;
i'm interested to see if you can make it better.
also, save me a piece, please.
y'ever have one of the weird nightmares where you start out somewhere believable,
like the grocery store,
but in a short span of subconscious deciphering,
and smash-cut-scene sequences,
you're suddenly trying to find a whole entire misplaced human being
from inside of a small medicine cabinet,
looking into bandage wrappers, frantically,
for the make-fun mocking voice that's calling for you?
that's weird.
because i had that happen last night, and i woke up alarmed.
i didn't know where i was at first....
and almost immediately, i felt sorry.
shoutouts to the 90's indie rock,
but also,
shoutouts to less-than-restful slumber.
i've got bags under my eyes, guys.
i decided to decree a '20 push-ups every time i have to pee' mandate.
and rules is rules,
not to mention that hydration is essential,
so we'll see how it goes.
no sleep, weird dreams an sets on sets of pushing up.
january is ending on kind of a sour minor key note, bro.
that's no joke;
never quiet, never soft.....

Sunday, January 28


detroit-style deep dish pizza.
do you know about it?
the dough is fat, but it's also light.
the edges are crispy,
and there's a whole mess of cheese under everything else.
it's cooler than robocop.
and he's the coolest thing in detroit.
i made some, from scratch, as soon as i got home from work,
for a super saturday night pizza party,
and my main mango, nate, came through for a shark-gluttonous powerhouse pig-out
and together, we took down an epic acre of expert rectangular action.
check the motor-city-madman-type teleport:

if i were the type to count calories,
i'd be feelin' pretty flippin' badly about myself right now;
but since i'm NOT, i'm feelin' on top of the world,
in a greasy-rimmed garlic sprankled righteous right-angled corner-slicin' food euphoria.
that's real.
the dough is dope,
and the pan was buttered,
and oiled,
and ready to rise up and crust somebody.
good bread makes better people,
and good bread makes for deeper doper detroitier dish pizza, too.
lemme let you know about this dough, bro:
2 1/4 cups a.p. flour;
3/4 cup semolina flour;
2 tsp salt;
2 tsp sugar;
1/4 cup olive oil;
1 pkg yeast (2 1/2 tsp);
scant cup warm water, w/ 2 exxxtra tsp bloomed bread machine yeast,
and a squeeze of agave to activate the hottness.
knead it all in your stand mixer for eight minutes, on low;
or by hand, only that means you'll be at it forever,
possibly because you love having popeye forearms.
cover it and let it rise for 15,
then drop it into a rectangular 10" x 14", greased, and press it to the edges,
so it can rise inside the proper form.'s thick as heck, man. and it's fluffy, too.
you're going to want a HOT oven for the baking part.
i had mine reppin' 480℉ with convection circulation.
that's hot, and that helps.
i also used two different daiya non-dairy cheeses.
i minced up some provolone-style jauns,
which comes in slices to begin with (i used 4 slices).
i also minced up some shredded mozzarella,
because it's much better when it's even smaller.
rules is rules around here, and that's one of 'em.
i also drizzled olive oil around the crust where it touched the buttery pan,
and i dusted a teaspoon of nootch on it, to.
one of the things about detroit deepness is the burnt chee' rim.
i don't have brick cheese, i don't want brick cheese, and i don't need brick cheese.
i did, however, toss some haphazard mozz againt the edges, just to see what'd happen.
and you can see that it was good.
like, really good.
the crust was airy inside, soft at the chee' top, crusty af on the sides,
and crisp like you read about on the bottom.
i got kale on top.
and braised broccolini.
that's right.
naturally, there are caramelized onions, too.
they're on there in abundance,
because those muthas are what you need on some expert pizza.
browned and burly baby bella mushies made their mark.
you gotta precook 'em to deslime the surfaces.
nobody likes rubbery wet nibs, neighbors.
it's not a good look.
the fried garlic spranks do their duty, as does cracked black pepper..
and what's a deep dish without crushed tomatoes on top?
it's wrong.....that's what.
i got a little fancy, kids.
i did.
and i tossed on some little bitty basil leaves, for color and flavor an' that.
i think those lil exxtras are pretty cute.
yeah, that's right, i said it;
and don't you dare judge me for wanting to munch up on adorable food, man.
full disclosure-
i have NO idea how long i baked this big baddie for.
i put it in, turned it once when the crust was getting golden,
and let it run until the darkness was deepening,
and the chee' was bubbling,
and the whole house had that garlic aroma flicking at the edges of our brains.
like when you walk outside, then come back inside, and the smells are so awesome
you almost get sad that your brain had gotten so used to them?
so, you go outside and back in again, just to recharge the appreciation....
i do that.
pizza night is always good.
i trust in pizza, and it's never misplaced.
trust, however, is usually otherwise pretty hard to come by.
it's no longer in my nature to initially put my faith in other people.
i mean, i trust in pizza,
but i'm also the mutha-'ucker making the pizza;
so mostly, i'm just trusting myself.
that's a hard style.
especially since my life overlaps with others,
and those intersections require cooperation and communication and consideration.
which is no easy endeavor if you're counting on all of 'em letting you down.
damn, guys.
that's not very optimistic, is it?
don't i know it.
here's the thing:
we can all only exert proactivity on our own productivity.
creating worth-a-sh!t experiences that should attract like-minded warrior poets.
i'm not letting anyone down.
we'll see where that takes us.
i trust in pizza, and i'm willing to share it.
i trust in myself, and i'm willing to share that, too.
i don't trust none of y'all tho.
if our interests run parallel, i'll be seeing you.
if they're divergent, i'll be heading out to points north.
there's got to be more that just pizza out here.
although, i've seen little evidence to suggest that;
never quiet, never soft.....

Saturday, January 27


when you get a request for spicy indian-style curry for supper,
you have to stop and ask yourself one question first and foremost:
'am i an A*-hole?'
because only a total F*ing A*-hole would refuse to boost up their tastebuds
with sloppy blops and glops of heavily-spiced heavily-hot exxxtra-expert delights.
or, if you maybe have an allergy or something, you might also say no,
since you don't want to die of deliciousness. ...i feel that.
i was freely given the idea,
and when i got done spanning time at job,
the big active participatory event got underway.
there were a LOT of components,
and all of them were exxxplosively incredibly edibly elite.
that's a completely accurate assessment, man.
check the aloo-mutha-mutterin'-type teleport:

oh, come ON.
you like it.
y'all ain't even ready for how much boomfire flavor lives in these b!tches.
on the ones,
there's layers and tiers and levels of complex hottness thriving and surviving
and surpassing old goals within each of those bowls.
i mean it.
and that bread?
bro, you are gonna sh!t your pants with happiness on the first bite.
definitely bite it, but also definitely bring spare pants.
just in case.
you want to make some?
here's what we did:
in a mixing bowl, combine:
1 1/2 cups flour;
1/2 salt;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
black pepper;
4 T vegan sour cream;
stir in:
1/3 cup warmed non-dairy milk;
3 T melted earth balance non-dairy vegan butter;
you may need to knead in MORE flour.
it's possible that this is a little wetter than i recall.
no matter- knead it into a tight lil ball, and let it rest for a bit.
divide the ball in half, then each half in half again,
and then take all four of those, and, you guessed it- cut 'em in half.
that's eight great balls of breadsly bang-bang for your bellyhole.
don't worry-you wont regret this.
hand-stretch each one into a flat 4-5" circle.
meanwhile , back at the stovetop: heat a pan on high high high heat.
i hope you've got a gas stove, too, because that's kind of the best part of this project.
a tiny tiny pat of butter, melted before each one gets fried is essential.
that's how side one gets all brown and luscious-looking.
they puff up a whole bunch, which is good.
but this here's the best part: toast the second side on the open gas flame!!!
DO IT!!!!!
that's how you make it extra good.
y'wanna know what goes great with those?
fiery fresh hot onion relish!!!
that';s the red stuff you get as a tabletop condiment sometimes at better indian restaurants.
it's HOT, it's crunchy, it's red, and it's dope.
it was surprisingly simple to make:
1/4 cup diced red onion;
1/2 tsp paprika;
1/4 tsp hot hungarian hard-style paprika;
a shake or two of cayenne;
black pepper;
1/4 tsp cumin;
2 tsp cayenne-pepper ho'sauce.
^^^that's it. you just stir it up and let it hang out^^
now, if you take those breads, and you add coolwater cukes, and firebomb onions,
AND a blop of unsweetened plain yogurt
(i used some new cashew jauns that were top notch)
you're about to have to hold on to the top of your heads,
because the collective minds of all who've had this have all been blown way out of body
and into the universal aethersphere of time and space.
eat it, just maybe wear a hat, is all i'm sayin'.
that was just bread and stuff.
are you ready to really get into some grown-A* really-real things?
i hope so.
check this out:

y'boi effs with lentils pretty heavy.
and when you start tossin' in swee's?
c'mon, kid; that's expert AF.
where do we start?
we start at the top-
in a medium sauce pot,
saute one half a red onion in 2 T vegan butter;
2 T tomato paste;
and along the edges, toast up:
lots of cumin, coriander, ground mustard, ground ginger, and paprika (sweet and hot);
crack in some black pepper (lots),
and add a dash of cinnamon, a shake of cardamom, a sprink of celery seeds,
and a baby pinch of clove.
toast all of that up, so the whole house gets the epic ayurvedic aromatics activated.
cube up half a sweet potato, skin-on, and boil that sweetie pie until it's semi soft.
drain it, and save it for a second, man.
jeez. don't be in a hurry. we'll get there in due time.
add a 15oz can of green lentils to the tomato, onion, and spices,
along with half a jalapeno, minced.
red lentils wold be great, too, but you'll need to add broth to those to cook 'em up.
and 1/2 cup crushed tomatoes, and maybe another tsp of vegan butter;
toss in 2 cloves of crushed garlic;
next, add a bay leaf, and GPOP, and 1/2 cup water.
toss in 1/4 cup cilantro stems, finely diced,
and those sweetie taters, too.
let that simmer on low-low while everything else is cookin'.
and right before you dish it out,
stir in a handful of chopped green onion.
pretty much a full-steam straight ahead dish, am i right?
when you serve it,
it NEEDS a blarpity blop of that unsweetened plain 'gurt.
you see it on there, but you need to taste it in your face.
nothing will be the same after that.
you'll have evolved into the super-saiyan vegan-ultra blue form.
.......whatever that means.
the real standout supersexxxy exxxplosivo deluxxxo, tho?
those cauli-wobbles.
no doubt.
check the teleprompted teleportation:

that's cauliflower, and peas, and spinach, all in one place,
and i've got to say,
the undertones of coconut and citrus and ginger really turned it up to eleven.
that's no joke.
here's how it popped off:
in a flat saucepan,
saute one bunch of green onion tips in 2 T unrefined coconut oil,
with lots of cumin, coriander, ground ginger, and dried mustard;
add a heavy blast of turmeric, and lesser notes of cardamon and cinnamon and nutmeg;
once the spices are toasted,
toss in 2 cloves chopped garlic and 2 T tomato paste,
a half a chili (or more) minced, plus some cayenne for exxxtra ambient heat;
then a head of cauliflower, chopped up into small nibbleable nubs;
let that simmer around for a few minutes,
then add:
1/2 cup crushed tomatoes;
3 T lime juice;
1 thumb-sized nug of finely chopped ginger with the skin-on;
1 cup of non-dairy milk;
a heavy shake of GPOP, and lots and lots of black pepper-
turn it down to medium-low heat,
and now it simmers for another couple minutes, covered-
and the turmeric stains everything,
and that's when you add half a bunch of cilantro,
and half a cup of frozen peas.
the peas add a little bitty bit of liquid as they defrost,
and that keeps it all from sticking to the bottom of the pan.
last, a few big handfuls of chopped baby spinach leaves,
left on top to steam in the splendor until a final stir before serving mixes it all together....
daaaaaaaamn, my friends-
when you add this stuff to basmati rice,
and add fresh cilantro and chili pepper,
and some of that HOT relish,
into one of those naanwiches?
like 2chainz says:
you. a. miracle.
it's simply the only answer.
y'all are a miracle.
food is where my attention goes whenever i stop paying attention to anything else.
i'm at the tattoo studio almost every single day of the year.
and i'm steeped in the stinky inky environment of that place from my toenails
to my eyebrows.
i'm present, accounted for, and accountable for being there all the damned time.
don't you worry about that.
when i'm not there, i'm surely gonna be making food.
that's what i DO.
i work and i cook and i bake and i eat.
i'm a practitioner of practice making perfect.
of course, imperfect practices won't amount to much, will they?
so i steadily savor the surround-sound experience of full-immersion in the moment,
but i keep a tippy-toe in the headwaters of the future.
you guys are destined to get 99% of my personal attention,
but please forgive the 1% of my brain that will forever be wondering:
what's for dinner?
i don't know yet, but dammit, i really need to;
never quiet, never soft.....

Friday, January 26


thick-cut, homemade, cinnamon-kissed slabs of sprouted wheat sourdough.
y'feel me?
you should, because that's F*ing expert.
real talk.
on it's own, from-scratch bread is a joyous gift from the oven.
a little later on, with add-ons and mix-ins,
it can become a blessing from the breakfast deities.
for realsies tho-
good bread makes better people,
and even more importantly-
good bread makes better breakfasts.
that's some true story sh!t, neighbors.
do y'all like the big B?
then lemme introduce you dudes to some seriously grande gluttony...
check the french-toasty-type teleport:

c'mon, man!
the toast is tight and tilty and toothsome and terrific.
no jokes.
and all the rest?
well, it's just plain ol' amazing.
let me tell you a little MORE about it.
if you've got some slightly staled, sorta hearty, extra burly bread,
that's what you're gonna wanna use.
the sprouted wheat jauns i repped was just about perfect for frenching some toast.
25% fancy wheat in my otherwise tried and true bread process,
left for dead for a few days after being baked, to soften and thicken and mellow.
here's the thing about really real sourdough- it lasts, if you wrap it.
(that's what she said)
and honestly, i eat a LOT of bread, but i bake more than i eat by a decent margin.
so there's always croutonably french-uppable ends hanging around here.
i like that, because i can use that;
and putting purposefulness to my products is pleasing to me.
so, cut yourself some sizeable slices, and let 'em hang out while your batter blossoms, bro.
in a mixing bowl large enough to fit all your sliced bread,
whisk together:
non-dairy milk ( 1/2 cup per 2 slices);
with ground chia-flaxmeal (1 T per cup of s'milk);
and egg replacer (2 tsp per 2 slices);
and a T or 2 of nootch;
cinnamon, nutmeg, agave nectar, vanilla- all to taste.
let that thicken up with all those agents acting in concert
to make an eggless excellence that'll have you hollering to heaven
about the next-level hottness you've concocted for your morning glory.
soak those slabs of sourdough (or whatever non-sourdough bummer bread you're using)
on both sides, until they're sopping with sauce.
then fry 'em up on medium-high heat, in a puddle of melted vegan buttery pats-
while waiting long enough to flip 'em that they don't stick to the sides....
that's the big business right there.
topped with crisp pink lady apple slices,
with a little exxtra cinnamon and powdery sugar sprankles,
all over the top of those treats, glazed with real new hampshire maple syrup.
that's mandatory.
if you aren't effin' with that, i'm not effin' with you.
united stateside new englanders may be a miserable lot of bastards,
but our tree-sap-suckin'-sippin' sauce is some old time Folk Life back-to-the-land freshness
that really saves the scene for a lot of us.
and then there's those potatoes.
skin-on chef's whites, slow-roasted from room temp to 400℉,
with olive oil, and salt, and pepper, and garlic and onion sprankles.
that's the thiqqq-chunk GPOP equivalent, and it's flippin' rad as heck.
when they're golden, you transfer them to a hot pan, drizz' on 'em with oil,
and sizzle them alongside some diced onion.
activated with smoked paprika and GPOP and black pepper,
and once everything is crisp and caramelized,
that's when you blast the ho'sauce all over 'em, and let that soak,
and glaze 'em through the hot hot heat of that pan, man.
if you don't have green onion, you're effing up.
the sprankle game is essential here, kids.
homeboyfries give me emotions, dudes.
.....and so does that AVO-F*ING-CADO, friends.
you need it.
i hear it's so good for you.
and it's for sure so good for your face while you're putting those nutrients in there, too.
that's definitely a thing.
on the ones,
if i have it, then i've gotta have it.
oh, c'mon now- you know what i'm sayin'.
lastly, but for certain not least among my brekkie feast-
that mountain of tofu scramble is the TRUTH!
word up.
i used lite firm tofu.
which, while not my usual density or diet style, turned out perfectly.
with a little exxxtra cooking time, it does it's job just as well.
sauteed with diced onion, red, green, orange, and yellow sweet peppers,
until all of those little vegetable bits are soft and supple of something-
high heat and oil are what i do,
but i don't know if i'm actually doing a good thing,
or if i'm just in a hurry to get allll the things into my mouth faster.
scramborghini ain't sh!t if it doesn't have the following:
turmeric, Garlic Powder, Onion Powder, smoked paprika,
pink (or black) salt, and cracked black pepper.
that's the blend, broskis.
i fired spinach into it, too,
because too much is the right amount,
and i love a big production.
yup. i really do.
i'm like that.
red onion and burnt exploded tomato sprankles,
all over top of some purple kale?
i HAVE to doo-do that luxxxurious overdoo-doo stuff.
it's an integral part of my infinite nature.
the days are unfolding in a flurry of foodstuff.
there's tattoo time and dog walking time and exercise time all factored in, as well.
the thing of it is- what's for dinner is the only real question i want answered.
i'm no longer sure if my passion for hobby home-cookin' is enough.
then again,
is there such a thing as enough of passion?
i doubt it.
events unfold, and menus emerge.
everything else is a means to a meal.
that's the truest story i've told in an age;
never quiet, never soft.....


i loooooove sandwiches.
that's a fact.
i love 'em a whole bunch,
and i enjoy the holy hell out of them;
but i don't eat them nearly as often as i should.
when i DO munch up on some tasty between-breadliness,
i go all in with the flavors and the textures and all the notes
of my sandwich symphony come together in a crescendo in my mouth.
check the teleport:

yeah, we got fries.
big deal.
they're not especially special, they're just baked potatoes.
well, yes, they're still delicious in their simplicity,
and yes, i know you all love 'em, too.
i'm just not about to go gushing in every direction about the virtues of spud sticks.
i'm still gonna eat 'em, and enjoy 'em, especially when they accompany a sandwich.
...which they are.
i'm just far more impressed with that slaw!
that's a thing.
a purple kale chiffonade,
with paper-thin shredded purple and savoy cabbage,
scallion, and slender shaved carrot sticks,
with pink salt, black pepper, a dash of apple cider vinegar, and vegenaise.
that's the colorful crawnchy hottness that really revs my engines.
i'm just sayin', compared to beige starch rectangles, it's really very attractive.
that sandwich, tho.
bro, just LOOK at it:

c'mon, neighbors-
that's some sexxxy sexiness.
for starters, the bread was tip-top-notch.
homemade sprouted wheat sourdough, buttered and pan toasted;
and those're the BIG slices because i wasn't raised to be a lil baby b!tch.
you do what you do, loud, fresh, and hard, until it's done.
rules is rules.
and homemade from-scratch sourdough is all we've done around these parts for years now.
legitimately, i can't say i buy 'store' bread anymore.
mostly because i don't, y'feel me?
word up.
have you ever effed around with grilled leeks?
you should start today.
they're complex, man.
like onions, but for condescending elitists.
i like that a lot.
and do they go well with the pickled jalapenos?
don't be dumb.
they go great- the briny spice of those peppers, and the gentle, almost creamy green onion,
with that rich blackened char taste.....
it's basically expert af.
there are thick slab sandiwch stackin' pickle planks on the bottom,
topped with more of that slaw for vegetable crunch and cool raw fiber fury.
then, there's seitan bacon.
probably the least awesome way to use seitan, in my severely slanted seitanic opinion.
again, i got the prepackaged organic jauns,
and again, i did not freak out with delight about it.
if i was a new vegan, and incompetent in the kitchen, and a total bummer of a person,
i might get psyched on this stuff.
the problem for me is: homemade tastes better.
case close, y'know?
the smokiness was nice, i just wish i'd had the good sense to simmer up some tempeh instead.
next time, that's how it has to go down.
and speaking of going down-
i definitely got dirty with this tofu, folks.
in a hot pan, with a tablespoon of unrefined coconut oil,
i sizzled the sh!t out of that breaded big baddie like a barbarian invader.
that's no jokes.
ruthlessly, recklessly ringed around the center of the heat source,
coated in a haphazardly handsome crust.
i'm only trying to tell you that that tofu was the TRUTH,
in it's most savage stormswept savory disposition.
have you ever mixed up some of that breading-type sh!t?
it's so easy!
cornstarch, flour, salt, pepper, and herbs or whatever-
the cornstarch gives it a crispness, the flour gives it body,
salt and peppr seem to be mandatory additions to th team every time,
which makes it kind of a rule, and you already know how i feel about those.
...then all the add-in tasty-tastiness does what it does from within!!
i added GPOP, obvi.
and nootch, of course.
plus, smoked paprika, and cayenne, and ground mustard powder,
then freaked it off just a little with a pinch of sugar to help it get caramelly-mellow.
i did that, so it would doo-doo that,
and it turned out to be the sh!t, son.
which is what's good on my plate.
sandwiches are good.
honestly, i will forever hate it.
especially if it's very very cold out there.
on the ones,
there's a hill on our walk,
somewhat unavoidable as a portion of almost any circuit through the woodsly goodness,
and if there is even the slightest breeze,
it somehow transforms and magnifies into a bitter biting knife-edge of
quicksilver torture for the hundred or so yards of road that funnel the speedy air
directly at my F*ing face.
it's my least favorite leg of our daily journey.
crabtree hates it, too,
but his imbecile brain doesn't compel him to propel himself forward,
so his inactive unhappiness just prolongs the displeasure.
pretty cool, right?
no, i don't think so either.
today, however, before i get to drag him by the head through the trails of trees,
he goes to get some shots at the veterinarian's office.
it's like payment in advance for his reliably poor performance
on his daily exercise regimen.
then again, i'm literally paying them to zap his dumb face with preventative medicine,
and the i'm still going to wrestle with his obstinence when we get home.
i guess i get to lose a few battles today, before the day even begins in earnest.
it's ALL really happening-
these expenses and expenditures and expanding spans of time and space.
me and my little terrible terrier have got a relationship.
that's just a nice way of saying we abuse each other's patience,
but, like, on purpose, and consistently.
never quiet, never soft.....

Wednesday, January 24


damn dudes.
do you like treats?
me too.
and when it comes to treats, i can't say that i always have all the answers.
i mean,
they blow in on the wind, i've heard, but i frickin' HATE the wind,
so i might be missing out on some solutions that waft by....
that doesn't mean i don't have ANY answers, neighbors.
and the answer to what do i want for treats today is an easy one-
chocolate peanut butter coconut butterfingered bars!!!
no doubt about it.
that's what's reppin' the expert level eleven new hottness right about now.
check the teleport:

the cookie part is soft, and thick, and rich, and sweet, and perfectamundo.
that's no joke.
the top is soft but firm and deep and dope and de-F*ing-licious.
real talk- this one is a winner.
and here's how you can have some of your very own:
preheat your oven to 350℉
in your food processor, pulverize:
1 pkg graham craxxx;
1/2 cup oats;
1/4 cup small-flake unsweetened coconut.
transfer that to a medium-sized mixin' bowl,
and add:
1/4 cup powdered sugar;
4 T cocoa powder;
1 tsp vanilla;
4 T melted vegan butter;
2-4 T non-dairy milk.
that'll stir up into a soft cookie-ish crumb crOmble,
which i think you're gonna wanna press flat into a parchment-lined 9" cake pan,
or whatever shape and equivalent you'd prefer, really.
bake it for ten minutes, and let it cool...
while that's doing it to itself,
get out a small pot,
and melt up 1 1/2 cups chocolate;
1 tsp vanilla;
4 T peanut butter;
4 T powdered sugar;
4 T macaroon-fine unsweetened coconut;
and 4 T non-dairy milk;
pour and spread that over that grahamy crack,
and hit it with a few coconut sprankles.
here's the thing-
that's enough of a treat for anybody, but it's not enough of a treat for somebody.
feel me?
too much is the right amount, folks.
we can't skimp out now, can we?
no way.
what do we do?
we add peanut buttery creme squiggles, of course!
2 T peanut butter;
2 T vegan creamchee';
3 T powdered sugar;
3 T non-dairy milk;
melted, stirred, blended, bagged, and squeezed with ease on top of everything else.
that's expert.
that's delicious.
that's pretty.
and that's almost enough.
a few MORE spranks,
and kaBOOM,
now you've got yourself a big win for your face.
i ate a LOT of this.
it's really hearty.
and it's pretty burly.
and also,
it's crazily tasty.
all the bestest and most favoritest flavors, all in one spot.
i love that.
that wind is out there.
blowing some sort of sh!t-salad answers at my house.
there're clouds rollin' by, taking the color out of the morning,
and keeping the thick layer of ice on everything rock solid.
the driveway is covered in sharp shards of splash-and-freeze water hazards,
and the woodsly goodness is sure to be just as treacherous.
today's walk with crabtree promises to be as dangerous as it is tedious.
crabby is a comfort-seeking beast, first and foremost.
he wants the warmest spots, in the snuggliest blankets, by the hottest fires.
he is also a sneaky, secretive probably-poisonous-morsel-scooping A*-hole.
and as a result, he is also also a hard-pooping little sourbellied jerk.
that means that we have to go outside, often,
so he can evacuate all the corridors of his interior,
and remove all the shouldn't-have-eaten-thats from within.
in the sharp wind, on the sharp ice, through the steep hills of our homeland 'hood.
should be a hoot.
within the first six feet of outdoorsy doings, i can tell what kind of walk we're in for.
if this morning is any indication of what's to come,
it's gonna be a real bastard-F* of a trip.
i can hardly wait...but, i will;
and then,
we'll go to war with each other,
in a contest of will versus strength.
for now, i've got more of both,
which means we're going for a walk, bro-
we'll just have to see who has had a worse time
by the time the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress welcomes us back
to her chilly, but relatively less windy, hallowed hallways.
this is it.
it starts with treats,
and it ends with trials;
never quiet, never soft..... 


taco tuesday number four.
that's when and what, neighbors.
soft flour tortillas are the only ones that ever get invited to my parties.
these jauns were less oily than usual,
which was mostly cool, i guess.
cinco for quatro?
that's what happened:

no new newness, just tacos for your F*ing face.
all the things, all at once, just like always.
radishes and purple carrots and sweet mini rainbow bell peppers-
a lot of what i make is determined by the limitations of my grocery store.
i mean, really-
it's winter time,
and besides, these up-here folks don't really F* with veggies so much,
so that even though they've got over a hundred different producey things on hand,
only about twenty or so of 'em are actually awesome.
i roasted some cauliflower, sans oil, at 400℉, until it was browned at all the edges.
i tossed it with GPOP and salt and pepper, too, of course.
nobody wants butt naked dry-A* cauli florets, man.
don't be dumb.
there's storebought seitan chunks, which was not my favorite part.
i love seitan.
i just don't love it the way y'all make it.
so there's that, sauteed with thyme and oregano, cumin and coriander seed,
plus GPOP, jalapeno, and red onion, with a splash of olive oil,
soy sauce and ho' sauce, too.
(it still wasn't anything special)
the avocado helped a whole bunch.
it always does.
i mean,
if you don't have pickled veggies, you've GOT to have avocado.
rules is rules, bro.
that's a thing.
cilantro, spinach, red onion, and pea shoots complete the look,
and some salsa fresca turned it up to about a nine.
i dunno, guys.
i just wasn't feelin' it.
even with limes on limes on limes....

every meal isn't a rout on the battlefield of tastiness.
not for lack of trying,
but variables in circumstance can really undermine the very best efforts.
i admit it:
my P.M.A. was not at peak performance,
and it reflected back at me through my taco scene.
they looked pretty good.
they tasted pretty good.
they even felt pretty good.
but they weren't expert.
they were simply competent approximations of it. 
food made with love and focus and intentional active participation tastes better.
that's a fact.
i had some other other sh!t going on while i was choppin' and strrin',
and it leaked through to my tortillas.
it happens.
the conflict got resolved with an acceptable outcome,
but it was too late to turn back time and retry those soft flour freshies.
it's all really happening, homeboys and girls-
i s'pose the trick is to intertwine and connect the pieces so that everything is awesome,
and nothing is F*ed, dudes.
that's today's mission.
i hope you're on board to do it to it, too;
never quiet, never soft.....

Tuesday, January 23


jacket potatoes are cool?
are jacket potatoes cool?
how cool, if at all, are jacket potatoes?
these are the questions that need asking.
do y'all even call 'em jacket potatoes?
do you prefer 'loaded baked potatoes'?
well, here's the thing-
potatoes are pretty flippin' good just by themselves;
and when they're stuffed or covered with other pretty good things
how on earth could they not be even better??
simplicity is cool if you're a simpleton,
but if you're a complicated and creative concocter you can't leave things alone.
especially if you're the kind of overtly over-do-ish dude that doesn't ever take it easy,
then  superfancy unnecessary jauns are the only ones you even acknowledge.
....yeah. and that's me, man.
y'know what that means for jacket potatoes on mexican monday?
it means i represented my excess with sweeeeeeet potatoes (word up)
and then added alllllll the best over the top stuff stuffed over the top.
check the chaqueta-type teleport:

sweet potatoes are a freakin' expert freak-off for upgraded jackie-jacks, man,
that's real.
we got those sweet and hearty taters.
we got spicy black beans and peppers an' sh!t.
we got SAUCE.
we got salad.
we got salsa.
we got sprankles.
we got ourselves some savage stormswept dinnertime thickness,
and it all came together so easily once those effin' sweeties were roasted.
so what's the haps?
like i mentioned a moment ago,
it all came together quickly and easily,
but it had so much going on that it still felt luxurious.
first off,
there's two potatoes, skins on, halved, oiled, salted,
and roasted at 400℉  until they were brown(er) and soft all over.
i flipped 'em once, and i think that helped the skins get nicey-nice,
but maybe that'd have happened anyway?
there's no way of knowing until next time,
and there will be a next time because this dinner was the TRUTH.
there's purple kale, torn, rinsed, salted, lime-kissed and cider-vinegar splashed,
then allowed to wilt a baby bit, so it went down much smoother.
that tiny bit of tart sweet crawnchiness really added a textural component that elevated
each and every bite into a multifacted joy under teeth and over tongue/.
that's a thing.
y'got pico, because we pico they.
well, we do.
quartered sweet cherry tomatoes, scallion, minced jalapeno,
red onion, olive oil, lime juice, cilantro, and salt...
tossed and rested and soaked in all that specialty flavor.
do you pico they?
well, if not, you should start.
the black beans were straightforward:
one half a sweet onion, sauteed;
with the heat reduced to low-low, add one 15oz can of rinsed black beans;
season 'em with cayenne pepper, black pepper, lime zest, GPOP, and salt-
then, a few minutes (like actually two or three) before you plate everything,
turn it back up to super-hottness,
and add a half a cup of chopped rainbow sweet baby bell peppers.
how can this be so good?
that's what you'll ask yourself.
the answer is right there, too-
because all good things in one place make great things for your face.
sour cream and lime and Garlic Powder.
that's the drizzle.
i guess you could make it in whatever proportions you like.
i'm not the boss of your tastebuds nor am i in charge of your consistency preferences.
so, now we're here.
at the activation stage of the suppertime explosion.
there's shredded purple cabbage.
that's tight.
there's scallion and cilantro and red onion sprankles.
that's TILTY.
and there's AVO-F*ING-CADO, because rules is rules,
and adding a scoople of that expertism is always the right call.
look at it:

.....and those jalapenos???!!
roasted in the oven once it reached temp?
bro, those little sh!ts brought the noise to y'boi!
i was psyched as heck on this sexxxy sweet potato supper.
all that flavor, but everything had it's time in the spotlight.
all that filling and fulfilling filling, but without being overly heavy.
i think it might've been just what my body needed;
but i know it's just what i was craving for my face.
good food, and good times, and good ideas, and woodsly effing goodness.
that's what's going on around here, friends.
the weather outside has taken a turn.
shoutouts to new england for keeping it really real,
and insisting that we remain prepared for the worst at all times.
there are hard styles stacked against us,
and long roads ahead of us,
and darkness shadowing these treacherous trails.....
which is just describing the driving conditions around here today.
good thing i ate all those nutrients last night.
i mean,
somethin' has got to keep a dude warm when it gets like this.
the day is looking dour.
the air feels like a sour scour.
the woodsly waking world is almost certainly going to be a grumpy, cold, wet mess today.
it's ALL really happening, however,.
so there's naught to do but make the best of it.
maybe a cake?
perhaps a cookie?
we'll all find out in a few, won't we?
that's what's up;
never quiet, never soft.....

Monday, January 22


the oven was already really hot,
and there were already loaves of hot, crusty, fresh sourdough filling
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress with that warm welcoming wafting aroma
of perfectly baked and perfectly wonderful wheaten warrior poetry.
that's where i was at-
basking in the success of a pair of BIG loaves,
with dark crust, and fluffy, chewy crumb,
and enough massive mass to satisfy several hungry hungry hippogriffs-
that's exactly when i decided to do something else.
something fancier.
something MORE.
yeah, neighbors- too much is the right amount,
and with emanating firebox begging to be utilized (that's what she said?)
i had to bring the boomfire back to bear on some brownie-style scones!
the idea crossed my mind, and then doubled-back with a back-in-black attack
to double-down on some quad-shot cocoa exxxplosivity.
....and i'm glad it did.
check the teleport:

i kind of freaked it off the whole time, with some very fast-and-loose mixing,
but i recall enough of the process to approximate what happened for you guys.
scones are just about always awesome.
that's real.
but, when they're full of chocolate?
they're even more expert than ever.
here's what you're gonna gotta get into:
preheat your oven to 410℉
in a big ol' bowl,
using a pastry cutter,
blend together:
2 1/2 cups flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/4 cup sugar;
1/4 cup cocoa;
2 tsp bakey powpow;
1 tsp bakey soda;
5 T vegan butter;
4 T vegan creamchee'.
when thoroughly and completely combined,
using a rubber spatula, blend in:
1/3 cup cacao nibs;
1/2 cup vegan sour cream.
- next, add:
1/2 cup non-dairy milk;
1 tsp vanilla.
fold and turn and fold and turn, forever,
or until the dryish crumbles become one cohesive layered soft dough.
on a floured surface, press the whole thing into a long rectangle about 3/4" tall,
and press a handful or two of chocolate chips into the top.
cut it in half lengthwise, divide each long piece into triangles,
arrange them evenly on a baking tray,
and freeze 'em for fifteen minutes.
this keeps the blow-out blarpification at bay when they hit that hot fuego from the oven.
in just twenty minutes, your excitement should be at an all time high-
hot cocoa scones are NOT that rad at first.
they taste better when they've cooled a bit.
that's no lie.
as for me?
i walked crabtree through the sunshiny melty mush
of a warmish morning in the woodsly goodness,
through snow banks and slush heaps,
like we were two out of three of those goldilockin' bears.
and when we got home,
i hit 'em with some melted chocolate ganache.
it DOES taste different than the chips, despite being made from mostly chips.
that's true!
and the additional stripe-up of that piped-out chocolate sauce
really turned the taste and texture into some serious breakfast business.
...and yes, i DID eat half a loaf of that fresh-baked sourdough before i started my walk.
rules is rules, kids.
hot bread is a gift from the universe that should never be squandered.
real talk.
and ten i had a few of these new hottnesses too.
i did.
i'm a glutton,
for punishment, yeah;
but also in the traditional sense of the word as well.
my clients are good ones.
that's word.
they come form far and wide,
and they always show up ready for both the art portion of the program,
AND the rapid-fire veiled philosophical debating and berating that comes along with it.
competent conversational acumen, man.
i have that, and i share that,
and together, we're all growing upwards and outwards on an ethereal level.
our consciousness, consciences, and limned aural unconsciouses are all combining
and touching,
and overlapping,
and resonating to the ultralectromagnetics of those coil-based real-deal tattoo transmogriphiers.
you've got to be pretty good at being yourself to come back for more of that,
because it's more demanding than just taking your lumps in the chair.
i feel grateful today for the continued interactive participation of those people who
choose the wrench along with me.
i'm doing the best i can, and it's getting better all the time;
never quiet, never soft.....

Sunday, January 21


i just put all the things in a bowl.
all the little bits that i want to eat- 
tossed up, and activated with a little melted butter,
and baked into a sort of cookie.
i'm talking about some bar-bottoms, man.
for bars.
fudge-topped jauns, with all the flavors using teamwork to make the dream work.
i like oats, i like peanut butter, i like coconut-
so what's the worst thing that could happen if you mixed them all up?
there is no worst thing,
because all those things are expert, together or separately.
in fact, 
only good things get invited to the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress test kitchen laboratory.
check the teleport:
that vegan white chocolate is the business,
but when you add powdered freeze-dried bloobs to it?
it's luscious in a definite defiantly deviant decadence kind of way.
that's no joke.
here's the step-by-step, 
so that we can all share in the glory of this baked, melted, chilled championship treat.
preheat your oven to 350℉
in a medium-sized mixin' bowl, whisk together:
2/3 cup quick oatmeal;
2/3 cup oat flour;
1/4 cup medium flake unsweetened coconut;
1/2 cup sugar;
dash of salt;
while using a rubber spatula to thoroughly blend everything, add:
1 tsp vanilla;
1/4 cup smooth natural peanut butter;
1/4 cup melted vegan butter (or coconut oil, but only use 3 T of that)
make sure it's slightly sticky, sort of gritty, but not too crOmbly, 
and press it evenly into a greased 9x9 square pan, 
where it needs some ovenly attention for eleven minutes.
seriously, what we just did is the hardest part of the whole thing.
next, in a small sauce pan, and NOT a microwave (i'm just so super not into those)
melt a cup of vegan white chocolate, with 4 T powdered sugar, and 2 T non-dairy milk,
and 1 tsp vanilla until smooth...
i stirred in 3 T of macaroon-fine unsweetened coconut, too,
because i like to overdo everything i do, man.
too much is the right amount.
and anyway, MORE is better than average, definitively.
now spread that chocobianco on the cooled oat cookie square.
in the same pot you just used,
combine another 'nother handful of white choco chips,
and a splash of vanilla, and a freshly powdered tablespoon of freeze-dried blueberries,
a.k.a purple faerie dust.
that sh!t is the TRUTH.
the drizzlies of that are what make this already elite treat 
into a triumphant victory march over the skulls of our enemies 
while their elders cry and wring their hands.
y'feel me?
these are so delicious, it's like winning a war.
try them, and you'll see what conquering generals experience all the time.
um, right.
maybe that's a a little teeny tiny baby bit extreme, 
maybe it's the most accurate description you'll ever read in your life.
make 'em and see for yourself.
well, i mean, rules is rules,
so OBviously there's gonna be sprankles on top. 
don't be dumb.
these are really flippin' good.
they're unlikely to be counted among the healthiest treats i've ever created,
but they are no doubt one of the most satisfying.
real talk.
someday, i may find some sort of permanent balance between good and good for you,
but for now,
i'm happy to climb aboard the blueberry white chocolate bus,
and drive my face to flavoropolis.
believe it.
the good had better outweigh the bad.
otherwise, stop doing what you're doing, because you're not doing it correctly.
that's simple to say,
but borderline brutality in practice.
seriously, though-
good is good, and bad is everything else.
that means that there's a clear line,
albeit a subjective one, 
and relative to each of our custom-tailored individual standards and tolerances,
that defines good versus bad.
so when the bad is the worst, and the best is just ok?
be honest with yourself, toughen up, take a deep breath and make some big decisions, man.
it's all part of that P.M.A., kids.
positivity sometimes means doing hard things with a heavy heart.
crazy, right?
i know!
making positive changes can feel bad at first.
and that's not as oxymoronic as it seems, either.
giving up the easy way is tough.
but, if we consider that the easy way brokers no evolution, 
and garners no increase in quality, nor quantity, of our own true story,
so that it becomes a pretty unremarkable tale with an ordinary and forgettable main character-
that kind of easy sounds pretty hard to me.
the harder way, every day, is the whole point.
because every day you get a bit better, so you can bear a bigger burden,
and get even stronger, for longer,
until those little doo-doo buttery details that'll derail the beer-and-buffalo banality of 
regular-A* easy-doers are like spiderwebs in the path of juggernauts, man.
it's what i've been saying all along-
just be dope of F* right off.
it's all boils down to deciding to be a heart-pumping closed-circuit conduit, 
powered by the pressurized and concentrated distillate of dopeness 
exhaling the evaporated vapid vacillations of F*-offery out into the aether,
so only the loudest, freshest, and hardest remains to oxygenate the furnaces.
i don't know about you,
but that sounds pretty F*ing expert to me;
never quiet, never soft.....

Saturday, January 20


too much coconut oil.
is that:
a.) the right amount.
b.) why my thumbprints became crispy splats.
c.) both a and b.
i made cookies.
i did.
and as that's a fairly common occurrence, especially on friday,
we can all agree that the cookie idea in and of itself was a good one.
but i wanted thumbprint cookies, those thick blops with the jam dollop in the middle,
and what i got where NOT those.
i mean,
we can see where it started, but they did their own thing in the oven,
and i'm betting it was for sure because of the coconut oil.
check the melty-bloppity-thumbs-up-type teleport:

there's lemon, and raspberry, and chocolate, and coconut,
and love all added in by the mile.
the thing of it is, i really overdid it,
and they melted, but somehow became something even more awesome.
that's real.
and they've got macaroon-grade unsweetened fine coconut flake sprankles!
that's because rules is rules,
and some of those little glittery goods always make a tasty treat even MORE expert.
ok, ok, ok, OK-
i'm just gonna give you the recipe,
and you can adjust the coconut oil if you really want thumbprints and not flattie-flaps...
here goes:
preheat your oven to 350℉
in a medium mixing bowl,
chop up and cut together:
1 stick butter;
4 T unrefined coconut oil;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/2 cup powdered sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1/2 cup fine unsweetened flaky coconut shreds;
2 T non-dairy milk (drinking-carton coconut if you've got it, obvi)
add 1 1/2 cups flour;
1 1/2 tsp coconut extract-
hand-mix util slightly crOmbly, and make little 1 1/2" balls,
with the thumbprints dented into the middle on parchment paper on baking sheets.
the filling was SUPER easy to make-
1/2 cup raspberry jam;
a BIG shake of coconut;
a little zest-up of lemon peel;
a spoon for stirring (removed afterwards, man, c'mon)
a little blop in each,
and a tour of the oven for 11 minutes.
that's it.
of course, they melted, and got especially crunched-up on the edges...
and then when they're cooled, you gotta drizz all over 'em with chocolate ganache,
and sprank their little butts with that cocoloconut....
the lemonberry sticky bits are perfect against the smooth coconut in that toasty shell,
but the chocolate adds a whole other 'nother dimension,
and the last little bit of white dusty coconut just makes 'em s'kyoot!
the hard way,
every day.
that's what we need.
i know, i know-
that sounds a bit rough, yeah?
since when did the easy way ever make you any better at anything?
that's my point.
if it doesn't contain difficulty, it does't feel as good.
that might just be me,
or it might not.
all i know is,
i'm choosing the wrench, first to jam the works up,
monkey around, grind a few gears,
and then tighten and loosen as necessary to repair and improve everything else.
i'm talking about my life, kids.
it's all really happening,
and we're righting and wronging and wringing and wroughting all of it right now;
never  quiet, never soft.....

Friday, January 19


ALL of those things, all at one, all in the same place,
all really happening in hot fiery flashes of delectably fresh-to-death delciousness.
that's how dinner is s'posed to be.
and that's how it was presented, with relative quickness,
for my mutha-F*ing face.
that's right, neighbors.
thai thursday!
....and if you didn't pronounce it tie tursday?
your sh!t is weak, man,
if you pronounced it thigh thursday, we should talk, because i like the way you think.
i had myself some pad sriracha type hot fire,and it did right by my tastebuds for sure.
check the teleport:

did i use the fattie-boombattie thiqqq premade udons from out of a sack?
i'm not even ashamed.
those super-ropes hold more flavor than just about anything.
two packs of unflavored noods, some homemade sauce, a little extra soy,
and a dash of water to steam-heat the exteriors into maximum absorption-mode....
noods for the dudes, like i said.
and the custom sauce?
it was expert.
in a cup or jar or something, stir together:
3 T rice wine vinegar;
4 T mae ploy sweet chili sauce;
1 tsp asian red chili flakes;
2 T cilantro;
1/2 tsp coriander seed;
1 tsp ground mustard;
33 craxxx of black pepper;
2 T tamari;
1 T cayenne pepper sauce;
2 T sriracha;
2 tsp vegan worcestershire sauce.
heavy on the GPOP;
4 tsp non-GMO organic cornstarch....
whisk it into a slurry, and add it to your stuff.
i put about a 1/3 of it in the noodle pan,
which had already served two terms on this meal.
first as the coconut fried tofu skillet,
and then as the cashew toastin' spot.
the other 66% steamed the hell out of all the veggies.
the vegetable medley was on point like red dot lasers, man.
in a medium pan, with a tablespoon of oil,
saute 1/4 sweet onion;
1 cup chopped cauliflower;
1/3 chopped poblano pepper;
1/2 minced jalapeno.
start the process with these, and when the onion gets translucent, add:
2 stalks bias cut celery;
1 peeled and sliced orange carrot.
turn the heat down, and gently soften:
1 1/2 cups rainbow sweet bell pepper rings (again, i love the little ones for this stuff)
2 cups chopped broccoli crowns;
after five minutes, turn the heat up to high, and blast it with that SAUCE!!!
it's awesome.
cover it for a few, until the broxxx have that perfect color,
and throw in a handful of fresh chopped cilantro.
the tofu was seriously just tofu, and unrefined coconut oil,
and four flips to secure a sexxxy sizzle-up on every side.
the cashews were browned in the remaining oil.
and then everything got thrown in a bowl,
on top of raw purple cabbage, raw purple carrot, and coolwater cukes,
with a generous helping of mung bean sprouts, some spinach,
and a sprankle of cilantro.
daaaaaaaaamn, kids.
that's that good-good.
and with force.
and strength.
and minimal mess.
a.k.a. it won the dinner competition.
i also made a little baby bit of art yesterday,
since the shop was a little slow, and there was 'spare' time to utilize.
i also watched the pizza show: rome episode on youtube.
i apologize for and regret nothing.
the little marky-marker and red paint, pen and ink square is kind of neat.
it's a battle-beastly monster, unsurprisingly:
check it:

we could be doing awesome one of a kind new hottness on you, too.
we do that.
you could keep getting some of those pinterest butthole re-do copycat sh!ts, too.
we also do that.
you could stop in to talk about pizza with us while we work.
we're very multifaceted in that way.
no pressure, or nuthin'-
we're still pretty flippin' proud of the spot, and the vibe.
it's here for you as well as us;
never quiet, never soft.....

Thursday, January 18


y'ever have one of those mornings where it's basically still yesterday,
as far as your body is concerned?
for the quantity and/or quality of sleep you've gotten,
you may as well still be just living out one long day?
it gets a little blurry around the edges,
and that calls for focus, friends.
i mean,
we can't just hazily phase in and out of wakefulness,
eschew restful slumber away in favor of attentive attrition and exhaustion,
fixate on the nagging needling knife-edged nihilism 
instead of diving deep into the deliverance of decipherable dreamland, 
and then be expected to be our best selves for the rest of the day...
the call is for focus,
and you already know how i center myself, don't you?
i bake the treats that bring it all together.
i do.
creating calls for increasing one's capacity to adapt and invent, man.
and it's hard not to perk up when that's the point of the exercise.
i'm serious.
no matter how groggy and foggy and temporal fugue'd up i get,
cake is there to lift me up.
and lately, 
i've been kinda skimping and skipping out on cakes.
i have.
but my desire NOT to be a great big bellied battle barrel
has been bested by the immediacy of gathering up my wits and sh!ts,
and perking my little brainy-brain back to red-alertness!
what i mean is:
welcome back, cake!
check the teleport:
this jauns is good for your soul.
and your mouth and whatever, too.
you want some?
come on by the AMPERSAND TATTOO studio, 
and you can have some.
oh, ok.
in that case,
here's the recipe, so you can still have some, 
without having to leave the comfort of your own home:
preheat your oven to 365℉
in a medium mixing bowl, as always, cream up:
1 stick (8T) vegan earth balance butter;
1 cup plain vegan sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 tsp vanilla.
when that's completely blended, add:
1 cup non-dairy sour cream;
2 1/4 cups a.p. flour;
1 tsp each baking powder and soda;
1 tsp lemon zest;
1 cup non-dairy milk.
spatula flips and flops should blend that completely, but not too aggressively
if you're lookin' to get that real authentic grandma crumb.
spread it into a 9" greased springform pan,
and get yourself some corn-syrup-free raspberry jam.
that's the stuff.
i scooped out half a jar's worth on top, in sloppy blops, evenly spaced out from the center.
it wasn't pretty, but they were destined to get covered by the crumble topping anway.
i hope you didn't wash your cake bowl already,
because you can use it to make the streusel, bro.
cut in and crush up:
3-4 T vegan butter;
1/2 cup quick oats;
1/4 cup oat flour;
pinch of salt;
1/4 cup finely-ground coconut flakes;
1/3 cup powdered sugar;
lemon zest.
cut it until it's all clumped up, and spread it all around that ring of cakey batter.
bake it all for 45ish minutes, or until a tester comes out clean from the center.
at this point, while it was still warm, and the top was still pliable,
i tucked in a handful of dried raspberries amongst the crOmbleblumps.
i think that was an expert move.
there's no way i was going to let myself start slipping, man.
and the best part?
i remained alert for the rest of the day.
i attribute it at least 50% to bakey cake makery,
and maybe the other 50% to obsessive overanalysis of events in my immediate world.
the cake, at least, left a great taste in my mouth.
i will admit to being less-than-capable at diplomacy.
it's true.
i'm not very interested in compromises,
and i'm definitely not a fan of promises, either.
you're all always going to lose with either of those options.
not very diplomatic.
what you want and what you need and what you're willing to accept 
are NOT always interchangeable.
what matters more?
i'd argue that acceptance is the determining factor for setting value. 
if you need X, but you want Y, yet you'll take Z....???
well, then Z is the currency you're trading in.
and the exchange rate is likely going to be prohibitive when considering wants and needs.
does that make sense?
X is the median value;
but, only when regarded relative to the extremes- 
Y being ideal, Z being undesirable.
now, what are you willing to accept?
and what is the cost in the interim?
if you settle for Z, you're not even getting what you need,
and you're that much farther away from what you want.
if you fill the necessity with X, 
can you ever really be happy knowing Y is out there, 
just out of reach, but specifically because of an unwillingness or incapacity to grasp it?
that sort of awareness keeps me up at night,
and i have a feeling that there's likely to be a whole lot more cake needed 
in order to quell the morning's disquiet and motionlessness sickness.
maybe that's the point?
to push the production up to towards grabbing for X,
nailing it,
and then taking it to XI.
that's that P.M.A. at play at least for today;
never quiet, never soft.....