Saturday, October 13

*COFF* COFFEE *COFF* CAKE!!

little bitty innie-mini itsy-bitsy gluten-free coffeecakey triangle bites.
yuuuuuuuuuuup.
you read that right,.
quick and easy, i had myself somethin' special, and as fast as i could stir,
i had alllllll the best things ready to go,
and read to eat, which is just precisely what i did, hard, and loud, and proud,
and with whipped cream and cinnamon sprankles on top, too.
that's IT.
teleport:

YUMMMMM!
now,
if you're gonna eat a square of these, which is four of these,
you NEED the coconut-milk-based non-dairy gluten-free magical whippy cream.
rules is rules, and that's on the charter. which i just wrote in my head.
also, you will need:
a 10" x 10" square non-stick baking pan, greased.
an oven, preheated to 350℉.
a mixing bowl that can hold three cups of flour and sh!t;
a spatula, and a pastry cutter, and lots and lots of LOVE.
if you aren't ready to love up on some soffee-style grandmammy-type cake?
you're no longer welcome in my home, brothers and sisters.
sorry, but that's a thing.
.....moving on-
combine the following:
1 stick (or 8 T )of vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 cup brown sugar;
1/2 cup vegan sour cream.
stir well, and hard, and thoroughly mash the butter and the cream into that sugary sh!t.
next,
add:
1 tsp xantham gum;
3 T tapioca flour;
1/2 cup bob's 1:1 flour;
1/2 cup gf oat flour;
1 cup bob's ap gf flour;
2 T garbanzo bean flour;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
1 cup soymilk.
boom.
that's all you need.
stir it together, spread it in your pan,
and take the same bowl you just used and add:
3 T vegan butter;
1/4 cup powdered sugar;
1/4 cup fast gf oats;
1/4 cup dessicated unsweetened fine coconut;
2 tsp cinnamon;
1 tsp vanilla,
and pastry cut all that together into a well-combined sticky crOmble.
that's that superior streusel sorcery, and it's the F*ing best, bro.
recognize.
toss all that all over the top, and tuck it into the batter slightly-
that seals it just enough to retain some moisture whilst baking, for a very spongy soft crumb
all up inside of this bihhhhhhh.
-
give it 30 minutes in the oven,
then sit back and enjoy a whole fat sloppy crumbly mess of this stuff.
too much is the right amount, i keep telling you.
*
oh MAN,
i'm running late, again.
just because i wanted to tell you about my cake.
that figures.
oh well,
there will be more as time allows, if it allows for more;
NQNS.....

ROCK BLOXXX!!!

every time,
these are a good time:

ROCK BLOXXX!!!!!
the signature sexxxiness of my bakery belligerence,
fresh-baked from my oven and served up live and loud and directly at your face.
WORD.
there's nothin' better, and i can't ever get enough of 'em, either-
on the ones, too much is the right amount,
and anything less isn't ever even considered once one of these hits your tastebuds, bud.
this time around, i made'em a lil bit exxxtra excellent-
icing,
seasonally appropriate site-specific sprankles,
and huge vegan dark chocolate chunks-
because MORE chocolate chips is good,
but MORE and BIGGER chocolate chips is better.
yep.
make these, you will enjoy yourself, and you will have cookies to eat.
that's win-win, neighbors.
-
*
ROCK BLOXXX!
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
get a big bowl, and using a;pastry cutter, cream together:
1 cup dark brown sugar;
1 stick (8 T) vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla....
stir in:
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce;
add:
2 cups a.p. flour;
1 tsp ea bakey kapowder and soda;
1/2 cup ground unsweetened unsulphured coconut;
1/2 cup ground oat flour;
1 pkg gigantic vegan chocolate chunks.
blend all that into one cohesive cookie dough,
and shape up three dozen 2" balls, slightly flattened,
on two baking trays, and give 'em 13 minutes in that hot oven.
let 'em cool off,
and hit 'em with that powpowdery sugar-based glaze, bro.
mmmm.
it's legit powdered sugar, vanilla, and soymilk.
ANYway,
the sprankles are key here,
because autumn is SO worth a lil exxxtra colorful celebratory sugar activation.
whatever, kids, if you ain't about this cookie life,
you might wanna reassess your actual life.
these are the big business big action activation that'll do you good in all the right ways.
eat a cookie,
eat a few more,
chew with your mouth open,
live your life,
it's all good;
NQNS.....

WHEATLESS MEATLESS!!!

for my next trick,
i'll be making meatballs that aren't that,
but,
for an added degree of difficulty,
i will also make them without vital wheat gluten, which is the go-to protein binder
for most of those magical roundies in most instances.
yup.
wheatless meatless BALLS, ya'll:

kaBOOM! kaPOW! 'SPLODE!!
yeah!
i doo-doo that freaky sh!t.
why?
because expert recognize expert,
and real mutha 'uckas do real sh!t.
is the sauce homemade?
man, c'mon.
what am i?
an *A-hole??
of COURSE it is.
that's how it be at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
and the pasta?
green lentil gluten-free penne, pal.
we're on some other other jauns these days.
me, personally, i LOVE gluten....
i just also love a gluten-free lady.
- and so here we are.
you want the recipe for the balls, or the sauce?
or both???
ah, i see-
too much IS the right amount, man.
let's do it:
-

GF GARBANZO BALLZZZ!
-
in a smaller saucepot, on medium high heat,
with a tablepsoon of olive oil,
saute:
1/2 cup minced onion;
1/2 block finely diced tempeh;
2 cloves crushed roasted garlic;
2 tsp fire-roasted tomato flakes;
1 tsp each GPOP (Garlic Powder & Onion Powder)-
stir for four or five minutes, then add:
1 cup crushed tomatoes (i used chunky fire roasted jauns, it doesn't really matter);
1/2 cup water;
mix in: pink salt, black pepper, crushed red pepper;
2 T nootch;
1 tsp ea dried basil, parsley, sage, thyme, fennel seed;
1/2 tsp dried oregano, rosemary;
1 T fresh oregano, and fresh basil;
2 shakes of liquid smoke;
1 T red wine vinegar;
when the liquid is mostly absorbed, add 1/4 cup coarse oat flour,
and remove from heat-
wait five minutes, and add 2/3 cup of chick pea flour, and 1 T olive oil,
mixing and stirring well enough to completely combine everything.
wait another five minutes, and form into 2" balls.
if you'd like, brown 'em up in a hot pan, rolling them around to prevent sticking and burning.
tight.
i baked mine for fifteen minutes at 350℉, then tossed them into the sauce!
and that sauce was the TRUTH!!
-
*
SAUCE!!
-
in your food processor, pulverize 1/4 onion, 1 carrot, 1 clove of garlic-
add those into a half gallon sauce pot, with:
1 cup halved baby grape tomatoes;
15oz fire roasted crushed tomatoes;
1/4 cup apple juice;
pink salt, black pepper;
fresh oregano and basil;
1 T nootch;
2 tsp each GPOP;
2 T tomato paste;
all stirred around with 1 T red wine vinegar,
and a splash of water to keep it from overly thickening into mud, bud-
^ you will be thrilled to eat this.
seriously, i had it on a hard bubblin' boil for ten minutes,
and a low bubbler for another 'nother half an hour-
it was molto expert, and it activated all the flavors with ultimate excellence.
rich, and hearty, and full-bodied, and perfectly paired with those balls.
that's how it's done,
and that's how i did it.
-
a few blackened tomato sprankles,
a couple of leaves of fresh-plucked late-season oregano,
and i was in heaven, homie.
***********
i hardly even have time to eat, let alone cook-
but,
i'll tell you all about the highlights as they happen.
that's the best i've got on offer at the moment;
NQNS.....

Thursday, October 11

TART a.k.a short pie!

ok.
so,
you get apples at fall-time,
because apples show up at fall-time.
and now, just like that, you've got alllllll these apples-
so,
what do you do?
you eat 'em.
obvi.
apples are delicious, except, ironically red delicious.
anyway,
i have been making the most of the local apple harvest,
and recently,
i went into some gluten-free fanciness, and it turned out better than i'd imagined it would.
(and i had a high degree of confidence)
wanna see?
ok!
check the teleport:

APPLE TART!!!
that's basically an apple pie, but in a shallow tart tin, instead.
y'like that crust?
yeah, me too. it's some expert activated cookieish dough, yo.
here's the recipe.
-
now, if your oven is hot enough, say- 380℉,
and your apples are pre-stewed ...which they always are (rules is rules).
then you can bake this up in like 20 minutes.
-
the apples?
i had four of 'em,
peeled, cored, chopped, and dropped into a medium-sized pot,
with a pat or two of vegan butter,
loads of cinnamon,
a heap of dark brown sugar;
a splash of vanilla;
a glug of real new hampshire maple syrup,
and a handful of quick oats-
when they were softened, i set 'em aside, and let 'em thicken up-
-
easy. easy. SO easy, actually, that you'd have thought it was sunday morning.
fancied up crust, rolled out between sheets of parchment,
and braided and leafy-cut-out, and all of that-
i'm sayin'-
a pretty piece of sweetness is twice as good as an ugly one.
that's no joke.
-
the crust is crisp. the apples are soft, but thick, and together, they're buttery, and cinnamony,
and totally F*ing awesome.
i'm sometimes surprised at how easily these things come together.
especially considering that they're just fabricated out of thin air.
....and twenty-hundred kinds of gluten free flour.
ha!
*
good food, without harming anybody, or anything, is a special thing.
i don't want the chemicals and the carcinogens and the colon-clogging and the cholesterol
and the cardiovascular crap that comes from animal tissue and fats-
but,
more importantly, to me, i don't want to hurt animals.
i can't help it.....i'm sensitive.
so, i do my part to use what i know to do what feels right to me.
that's all i can do, right?
i hope it's enough, but it never feels like it.
i'm gonna keep creating these things.
i'm gonna keep doing my thing.
maybe it's a positive influence on my surroundings?
definitely it's a positive outcome for my face and my body.
what i know to be true, and what i do about it, are defining traits.
i care, a LOT, and i couldn't stop even if i tried.....
but, stopping caring is like stopping breathing-
for the whole wide world, i made this choice, 22 years ago,
and i'm still here, sincere, after all the F*ing years.
thanks for reading, neighbors;
NQNS.....

Monday, October 8

GINGER BAKER!!

hahaha!
ginger extract is powerful stuff.
and when you combine it with ground dried ginger,
and skin-on organic raw ginger,
you get some sort of wonderful wafting aromatic magic and majesty
exxxploding from your oven outwards into infinity,
and stopping over at nostril city to activate all the olfactory freshness for your face.
for realsies.
check the teleport:

GINGER BROWN SUGAR CAAAAAAAAAKE!!!
expert.
hmmm?
well,
yeah,
that's a gently maple'd frosting on top,
AND gluten-free pastry-style cookies, too!
mmhmm.
i'm not trying to eat UGLY food, dudes.
nah. that ain't me.
i want the kyoooootness.
and that's what i'm makin', man.
recipe?
ok.
here:
-

GINGY!
-
preheat your oven to 360℉.
-
grease a 9" springform pan.
-
in your trusty stand mixer, with the whisk affixed to the spin-arm,
beat up:
1 stick softened vegan butter;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 cup brown sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
3 T  tapioca flour;
1 tsp ginger exxxtract;
1 tsp ground ginger;
2 tsp cinnamon;
1 T minced organic ginger;
1/2 cup unsweetened plain coconut yogurt.
-
add in:
1 cup mama's almond meal flour blend;
1 tsp baking soda;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp xantham gum;
1/4 cup gf oat flour;
1/4 cup bob's brown rice flour;
1 cup bob's ap gf flour blend;
1 cup non-dairy milk.
-
whip it up until it's fluffed up and out;
next, spoon and spread and level it into that springy pan,
and bake it 30ish minutes or until cracks form along the outer edges-
-
remove it from the oven pop the spring and let it cool completely before frosting.
i made the maple frosting so simply:
2 cups powdered sugar;
5 T vegan butts;
1 tsp vanilla;
3 T maple syrup-
all whipped in the mixer until aerated as heck!
easy, right?
i know.
-
the cookies?
they're actually complicated pastry jauns.
yeah.
the blend is serious,
and the outcome is amazing-
you wanna know about it?
ok.
-
*
GF BUTTERY PASTRY HOTTNESS!
-
in a medium-sized mixing bowl,
stir together:
1/2 cup bob's ap gf flour blend;
3 T dessicated coconut;
1/2 cup gf oat flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
3 T garbanzo flour;
1/4 cup brown rice flour;
1/4 cup quinoa flour;
3 T brown sugar;
1/2 tsp xantham gum;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 stick vegan butter-
chop all that together into a crumbly concoction, pastry-cutter-style.
then add non dairy milk, 1 T at a time, up to 5 T maxxx-
fold and trun and fold until the whole dough is a streaky buttery sticky mass.
wrap and refrigerate it, and roll it out on a flt surface between two pieces of parchment,
or on a non-stick mat with plastic wrap over the top....
whatever works best for you, neighbors-
cut some cutesy shapes (i went full-fall and hit off the leaves, obvi)
and bake 'em for 11 minutes at 375℉-
just like *that* you've got crispy scandinavianish buttery cookies.
-
that dough it makes for a magnificent actual pie crust, too.
that's no joke.
*
i want MORE cake always.
this one was light, and fluffy, and soft, and spiced just right.
it tasted more like november, if i'm being honest- which i always am.
truth tellers can never stop, kids.
and the truth is: i'm gonna keep on making cakes.
it's sort of how i express myself.
and my expressions are sweet, at least, when they're not written across my face.
my face is an old, word, haggard and hazardous snarky sneering leerer-
and that is expressly non-verbal but loud communication, isn't it?
yeah.
ugh.
but,
there are still plenty of smiles still available,
...provided they're preceded by a slice of sweetness;
which i will continue to create in an effort to be more tolerable,
despite my F*ing face.
we must play to our strengths, i suppose.
so, if you avoid directly lookin' at me,
you might just be able to truly appreciate all the innovative recipe testin' i'm on about
up here in the woodsly goodsly northern mountain vale.
it's all really happening regardless,
so maybe come through and have some cake while it all unfolds?
you're cordially invited to stop by and be delighted;
NQNS.....

BREAK YO'SELF!!

gluten-free cinnamon brown sugar panniecakes?
F* yeah!!
check the teleport:

that's that big B brekkie in effect, b.
y'got stwed apples on top,
and real new hampshire maple syrup, too.
plus, kapow-powdered sugary sprankles to turn it up to eleven....
you wanna know what's IN those 'cakes?
ok!
-
*
GRIDDLERCAKEZ!
-
in a medium mixing bowl, sift up:
1 cup bob's a.p.gf baking blend;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/2 cup gf oat flour;
3 T brown sugar;
1/2 tsp xantham gum;
1/4 cup ground unsweetened unsulphured coconut;
1/4 cup plain unsweetened coconut yogurt;
1 tsp bakey soda;
2 tsp bakey pow-pow;
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon;
1 tsp nutmeg;
1/2 tsp allspice;
1/2 tsp dried ginger;
3 T melted vegan butterish;
1 1/4 cup non-dairy milk;
1 tsp vanilla.
stir it all up,
let it rest for thirty minutes,
and spoon it into your preferred cookie-cutout shapes-
always all greased-up, and on a hot griddle or large pan, man.
flip 'em when the bubbles are abundant on the surface of side one,
and remove the forms after a minute on the other other side.
...tight.
*
the apples?
that's brown sugar, and cinnamon, and vanilla, and a pat of vegan butter,
and cored, peeled, sliced apples, cooked down to soft splotches of autumnal awesomeness.
easy as pie, but on top of cake.
y'feel me?
i know you do.
hey listen, man!
ha.
*
those potatoes roasted all morning at 375℉.
sliced, GPOP'd, slated, peppered, and tossed in oil,
i et 'em get especially crispy before i fired 'em up
with smoked paprika, MORE GPOP, a spoonful of vegan butter,
red onion chunks, and lots and lots of texas-style ho'sauce for the WIN!
mmhmmm.
that's how you turn potatoes into miracles, m'man!
word.
....with fancy baby tomatoes, and pea shoots for garnish,
and some AVO-F*ING-CADO, complete with sriracha flake sprankles?
y'boi knows about breakfast,
and i'll be darned and danged if i don;t doo-doo that freaky sh!t
like a glutenless guardian of good times and great food.
***********
columbus day.
back where i'm from, in southern connecticut,
where all the italian-americans LOVE christobal colón,
there's probably going to be a parade.
up here, in the woodsly gooodness, there's no school, but that's about it.
where will i be?
at work.
duh.
that's what i do.
and that's why i may never get rich, either.
real talk: nobody ever got rich by working hard.
i don't even work that hard, but i DO work a LOT.
maybe that's something that should change, too?
i dunno.
but there's work to do, so i'mma do what i do best,
and zipzap all the bits and pieces like a berserker barbarian battle beast.
i will tattblast all the doodiecrinkles on earth,
you can bet on that.
columbus discovered some sh!t that was already there.
i'm about to discover some sh!t that everybody else may already know about:
taking time to do what you love, and what you're good at, and what needs doing-
is it ikigai?
i doubt it.
it's just what's up on a three-day weekendy rainy monday.
it's all really happening, and i guess that's got to be the whole point;
NQNS.....

OCTOBER PIZZA!

man, if you ain't effin' with pizza,
you may not even be effin' with real life!
seriously, pizza is the best thing ever,
and if you're not on board?
well, you must be pretend or somethin'.
i made pizza the other night-
dough from-scratch,
sauce from scratch,
specialty toppings,
unconventional expert activation for your FACE!
mmmhmmm.
radical magical homemade vegan pizza is the BEST, and that's no joke.
check the teleport:

Wu-TANG!!
this sh!t is pure love, neighbors.
on the ones, it's got all the flavors, and all the textures, and all the crispiest crust crunch, too.
y'ever have broccoli rabe on a pizza?
it's great!
for really real- a lil blanched b-rapini will do you good.
i trimmed the stems and boiled it for precisely two minutes in salty water,
and drained it, so it wouldn't soak my dough, bro.
smart.
oven roasted skin-on potato wedges?
you've GOT to get into those.
baked up on parchment on a tray, while the oven preheats to 485℉-
drizzled with olive oil and salt and pepper, gettin' all good and golden.
it's delicious, duders. like, the most.
there are caramelized onions under the minced daiya mozzarella chee'.
yep.
rules is rules,
and if you aren't chopping your chee' into smaller bits, you're a chump.
that's bush league amateur laughable sh!t, and we don't play like that around here.
so, you've got potatoes, and broccoli rabe, and mincey chee'....
i also had fire-roasted tomato sauce-
that's blackened crushed tomatoes, salt, oregano, and GPOP,
for those of you who were curious.
-
a layer of that, and those carmies- always using vidalia onions, btw.
next up, red onions.
yeah!
too much is the right amount,
and that's how we doo-doo the onion scene at my house.
...
and there's also fried garlic, and fire-roasted dried tomato flake, and crushed red pepper,
and parsley sprankles!
that's quad spranks, and that's a LOT of exxxtra goodness, y'feel me?
it's true, and it's expert, and i ate the whole thing.
-
let's talk about the dough......
my stand-upright manly mixer with the dough hook
is indispensable to my daily breadmaking.
i love it, and it loves me back.
it attacked the gluten chains in the wheat-based flour like a champion,
and this crust was so flippin' fresh, i could've eaten it with nothin' else on it.
-
*
DOUGHSKI-MO'!
-
2 1/4 cups a.p. flour;
1/4 tsp vital wheat gluten;
2 tsp sea salt;
1 tsp raw sugar;
1 pkg fast actin' yeast;
1 cup warm water.
^^^
that's IT.
nothing fancy.
everything in one bowl, beat up, and allowed to rise while the 'tatoes and the oven get hot.
easy.
olive oil on a seasoned steel tray, and some hand-tossing and stretchin' and dressin' up,
before using a peel to put the pie directly on the baking stones for the last little minute.
i mean,
y'all got baking stones?
no??
kiddo, that's molto molto lame.
you should go get one, or some, and get it poppin' like you know you wanna.
-
and how long do you bake your pizzas for?
man, i dunno your life!
is your oven convection?
does it register true to temperature?
when your crust looks sexxxy, and the chee' is melty,
and the 'tatoes get those little crispies on the corners it's ready.
use your eyes and your personal preferences to determine what's good.
c'mon.
*
october is going by too fast.
hallowe'en hasn't even begun over here yet.
i'm stressed.
i need more time, and more sleep, and more of everything.
maybe today is the day?
i'll have to dig deep and start cutting up some foam,
and gluing all the bits together....
if not today, then when, am i right?
today IS the day, and that's just the way it's gotta be;
NQNS.....

Sunday, October 7

CROMBLER!!

crumbs,
and crust,
and cinnamon and sugar and spice and everything so nicey-nice....
that's right kids,
y'boi doesn't play around when it's time to get fresh with the apples.
y'know?
i'll explain-
apples are kind of expert all on their own,
but,
when you simmer and soften 'em,
and add all the little exxxtras,
and stuff 'em inside of a crust,
and crumble some streusel, dutch-style, on the top?
well,
then you've got a slice of elite americana that goes to eleven.
and that's the good stuff, neighbors.
check the teleport:

CROMBLES!!!
wordimus prime.
that's a mutha-uckin' crisssssssp, lil bihhhhhh.
the apples are soft, but firm, not mushy.
the spices are tight af.
the top is all the right textures.
but the real breakout star?
the crust!!
gf vegan pastry???
i got you, boo-boo.
here's how to doo-doo this freaky sh!t like a champion:
-
*
WHEATLESS VEGAN PASTRY CRUST:
-
in a mixin' bowl, using a pastry cutter, combine:
1/2 cup gf oat flour;
1/2 cup bob's gf all-purpose baking flour;
1/4 cup bob's 1:1 rice-based flour;
1/2 tsp xantham gum;
3 T sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 stick + 2 T vegan butter butts;
chopped and lowered, cut in, and stuffed up-
and then, you add:
3-5 T non-dairy milk,
and fold and turn and fold and turn and on and on and on and on.....
and when you've got a streaky, buttery dough?
refrigerate it for an hour.
-
preheat your oven to 375℉.
-
core and peel 6 medium-sized apples;
(i used a combo of local macs and macouns)
cube 'em up into 1/2" chunks, and add 'em to a medium sized pot,
on medium-low heat,
with:
1 tsp vanilla;
1/4 cup brown sugar;
1/4 cup maple syrup;
dash of salt;
2 tsp cinnamon;
1 tsp each nutmeg and ginger;
1/2 tsp allspice;
dash of cloves...
simmer that until they're all slightly soft,
and toss in a handful of gf whole rolled oats...
-
now you've got two components ready to go.
you roll that dough out, and put it in a pot.
i had a sexxxy glazed terracotta thing, and it fit this perfectly.
i had the crust up the sides, with a little crimpin',
and a whole lotta apples packed in snugly-
all that was left was that streuselly crOmble!
mmmmmmmmm.
-
*
CROMBZ!
-
3 T vegan butts;
2 T brown sugar;
2 T powdered sugar;
cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice;
splash of vanilla;
1/4 cup gf oat flour;
1 cup gf rolled oats.
chopped and clipped and crumbled up into a perfect streus!
and then spread ALLLLL over the whole entire top, nice and thick.
bake the whole thing for thirty minutes,
and get ready to lose your flippin' mind, man.
yuuuuuup.
this sh!t right here is the TRUTH!!
and nothin' compares to new englandy apple crispiness.
not once, not never.
....with vanilla bean coconut milk ice cream?!?!
AND coconut whipped cream?!?
and exxxtra cinnamon sprankles?!
too much is the right amount,
and anything else is a waste of our time;
NQNS.....

BROWNIE!

one large cast-iron pan,lined with parchment, is where it starts, man.
huh?
oh.
when you're making a giant gluten-free chocolate chocolate chip brownie,
you start with a 10" heavy-duty, seasoned, manly black pan.
y'feel me?
that's real.
and y'gotta use melted butter,
and y'gotta go extra heavy on the cocoa,
and it wouldn't hurt to add chocolate chips to the s'milk when you heat that up, too.....
look neighbors, if you want the hottness, y'gotta make the hottness;
and that's what i do, duders.
check the teleport:
C'MON!!
that's a big burly brownie, for sure.
a circle of the sexxxiest wheat-free fresh-to-deathness i could conjure,
ready to rock and roll from my oven to your face-hole.
really.
y'wanna make one for yourself?
ok!
proceed as follows:
-
*
GF BIG CHOCOLATE CHIP BROWNIE!
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
line a 10" cast-iron pan with parchment paper, and trim it nicey-nice.
-
in a medium-sized metal mixing bowl, combine:
1 cup brown sugar;
3 T powdered sugar;
1/2 cup cocoa;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 tsp xantham gum;
1 cup mama's almond flour blend;
1 cup bob's ap gf flour;
1/2 cup chick pea flour;
1/4 cup vegan dark chocolate chips;
3 T dessicated unsweetened coconut;
3 T tapioca flour.
stir together,
and add in:
1 cup non-dairy milk, warmed,-
with 1 stick melted vegan butter,
2 tsp vanilla;
and 1/4 cup chocolate chips.
-
fold it all into a floppy. bloppy batter,
and spoon it evenly onto the parchment in that pan.
add a few handfuls of chocolate chips on top, and bake it for 30 minutes.
kaBOOM.
big barbarian brownness is in F*ing full effect,
just like *that*.
-
go get a big pan,
and get busy with the best dang gluten-free chocolate chip chocolate cakey jauns
that anybody has ever had.
you can even eat a big ol' wedge of it warm, 
topped with a scoop of vegan ice cream.
but, don't take my word for it......
***********
we went to the fair.
uh-huh.
we did.
i didn't actually know how to do that.
so, i kinda did it wrong at first.
that's real.
i was so used to the way i did i back in the day:
looking a animals and avoiding 100% of the animal products and the rides-
i mean, honestly, we still escaped from the whole nasty carnie half of the thingm which was great news...
of course, more recently, just eating alllllll the falafels and leaving has been my thing,
so i had to adjust that, too.
we made it happen, and we made it work, 
and fatty-boombattie naps were had by all the small ones afterwards.
that's the measure of success, isn't it?
if small people pass the eff out, it was done right...right?
i dunno.
it'll take more practice to perfect the interpersonal balance, i suppose.
whatever, guy, i went on the carousel and sh!t,
so i'm not sweating it;
NQNS.....

Monday, October 1

RABBITTTT!!!!RABBITTT!!!

october!!
hallowe'en!!!
costumes!!
candy!!
pumpkins!!!
all the best things are right now, y'all.
site-specific and seasonally appropriate and totally expert!
fall foliage!
apples!!
sweaters!!
fires!!
cider!!!
it's all really happening, and that's the whole point!!
but before all the bestest and most awesome stuff unfolds upwards and outward
from this fresh-to-death Folk Life epicenter, there's something that has to happen first.
yup.
rules is rules.
the magic words will set you up and set your sh!t in motion, man-
you know 'em, and you like 'em,
and you should really try to make it happen.
i did.
that's my spellcasting blast to start each and every first of the month-
what's the move?
it's to purse your lips and spit those enscorcelled syllables, son:
rabbit! rabbit!
cultivating coincidence and fomenting favorable fortune like a champion.
that's it!
i hope your month is a magnificent one.
i hope mine is too.
*
i made brekkie, broski.
uh-huh.
that big B, big boi!!!
haha.
gluten-free, and fat af, just how i like it.
check the teleport:

oooooof!!
those waffles were heavy.
i went wrong, a little, and overdid the oats.
seriously.
those were crispy, but they weighed as much as manhole covers.
i still ate 'em, and had room for more of everything as well.
that's me, neighbors- i can always fit more.
too much is the right amount, and i'm not just sayin' it, i'm livin' it.
-
...the syrup is real new hampshire maple,
since i'm a real new hampshire man,
and not some corn syrupy A*-hole, y'feel me?
word.
-
the potatoes are skin-on red jauns,
with GPOP and onion and pink salt and black pepper,
with smoked and sweet paprika turning them colorful....
i cubed up three 'tatoes,
and coated them in olive oil,
and dusted them with Garlic Powder and Onion Powder in a small pan,
and baked them from a cold start in an oven preheating to 375℉,
until they were golden-
then i added a quarter of a sweet onion, and those spices, and fried 'em up on the stovetop
until everything was even crispier and crunchier and better than ever.
nobody likes weak homeboyfries, guys.
remember that.
-
the scrambo?
man, that sh!t is a miracle!
half a block of exxxtra-firm tofu, crombled in a pan,
with onion, peppers, tomatoes, and spinach,
plus turmeric, smoked paprika, nootch, salt, pepper, and GPOP???
damn, dudes.
that stuff always gives me the feels.
-
and last but not least?
those waffles.
gf oats and all those weird flour blends,
plus coconut milk powder,
and raw sugar,
and melted vegan butter,
and all that bullsh!t.......
really,
they were almost more waffle than the iron could deal with,
but it managed, and i managed,
and i munched 'em up....
and now we're here.
in october.
in the F*ing rain.
doing all the things that people do when they LOVE fall,
and hallowe'en,
and all things excellence and autumnal.
i'm excited, and that's a fact.
happy first of the month, friends;
NQNS.....

Sunday, September 30

SEPTEMBER'S END!

NOODZ!!!
yup.
i had a minute, and i made a thing.
look:

YUMMMMMMM!
yes, that's romaine and cilantro and cukes and radishes and carrots on the side.
a.k.a. salad, bro.
it's good for you, and it goes great with spicy hot noods, dudes.
for real.
and there's a cooked veggie component to the dish that really turns up the taste-
that's peppers and celery and onion and spinach and carrot and cilantro and basil,
all seared and sizzled in a splash of sesame oil, until barely soft.
that's key here.
no mushy veggies.
we've got soft, supple rice noods to fill those blanks in, buddy.
word up.
i mean,
spicy stir fry is pretty effing simple.
it's ALL in the sauce, after all.
and as long as you can do a 1:1:1:1:1 ratio
of soy/rice wine vinegar/sweetness (in this case mae ploy)/and ho'sauce (sriracha, obvi),
and chili garlic paste for the win......
you're good.
i also added lime juice.
and coriander and dry basil and dry ginger and GPOP, of course.....
i'm all about the spices and the heat and the hottness and the mutha-lickin' noods....
it's the best way to activate a cold night,
and turn up the boomfire for your tum and your bum.
....and then, of course, there's tofu.
because too much is the right amount,
and those crispy coconut oil jauns are so awesome, they've GOT to be included.
rules is rules.
make some stir fry.
you'll be so happy you did.
just make it up with whatever yo have on hand.
and fry it,
and stir it,
and be psyched.
***********
if there is one great thing about today, neighbors, it's this:
the fryeburg fair is poppin' as of now!!
yup.
the blue-ribbon classic is back in action,
and that means that at some point this week,
i'm gonna have to get disgusting on a big ol' burly batch of new england's
most elite and delicious falafel wizardry,
courtesy of the falafel mafia.
when?
i dunno!
but i'll be there, for sure.
maybe on feel awful falafel friday?
that sounds like a plan to me, man.
i'm super ready for it.
***********
this is it, kids.
the last day.
september went by in a blur.
a whirlwind maelstrom of swirling sands spiraling down the hourglass....
it seems like it just started, but it's already all over.
the time was spanned with a whole lotta love and luck,
and a smattering of Folk Life & Liberty, too.
yup.
it went fast, it went hard, and it went in every direction....
that's normally considered chaos, right?
well,
this time it's not chaotic, it's exploratory.
we're all figuring out how we fit together as a team.
who?
breezy, embry, cohen, cali, crabtree, and i.
that's a slew of savage stormswept lightning-striking viking temperaments to manage,
and the biggest of us are every bit as much of a hard-headed ham-fisted handful
as the tremendous two-year old and that terrible terrier....
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress is full.
(although there will always be room for at least a couple-two/three more)
september saw us get into a routine.
october will see us get so much better and more efficient with it.
i'm excited for the unfolding future that's been racing up to meet us,
and i'm just as excited for the time we've been given to span together.
it's all really happening,
and it's only going to get more expert as we hold each other's hands
and walk forward into tomorrow like a big ol' batch of champions;
NQNS.....

Saturday, September 29

CUPCAKED!!

PEANUT BUTTER!!!!
CHOCOLATE CHIPS!!!!
GLUTEN-FREE!!!!
CHAMPION!!!!
word up.
y'boi doesn't play when it comes to treats,
and after i got deep into a lil gluten indulgence in my treat game,
i was down to get back into some deep new wheatless hottness.
...that's exxxactly what these are.
check it:

YUMMMMMMMMM!!!!
chocolate and peanut butter go hand in hand forever.
i love 'em both, i want 'em both, and i have 'em both, right here.
unfortunately for any nut-allergy diaper babies,
you lose.
also, there's almond flour, almond milk, and coconut in there, too,
so they're basically delicious murder bombs for your face.
but, since i'm immune to food alergies, i'll be indulging, and that's a fact.
mmmmmmm.
the chocolate chip sprankles?
on top of that peanut buttery betterthanevercremeforsting??
c'mon.
if you can't hag out with that, you might be an A*-hole.
just sayin'.
-
the frosting was easy:-
3 cups of powdered sugar;
1/4 cup all natural smooth peanut butter;
1 stick of vegan butter;
1 tsp of vanilla;
1/4 cup vanilla unsweetened almond milk.
whisked intoa  frenzy and fluffed the F* up like a cloud!
tight.
-
 the cake batter was a little weirder, but not by much:
-

GF PB CC CAKE!!
-
preheat your oven to 370℉
-
in a stand-up mixer, with the whisk attached, combine:
1/2 cup smooth all natural peanut butter;
1 stick ( 8T ) vegan butts;
1/4 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 cup sugar;
1 tsp xantham gum;
1/2 cup unsweetened coconut yogurt-
blended and mixed and made into a mush, you're halfway there-
next add;
1 cup bob's all-purpose gf baking blend;
1/4 cup tapioca flour;
1 cup mama's almond flour blend;
1 cup mini vegan dark chocolate chips;
1/2 cup unsweetened dessicated coconut;
2 1/2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
1 cup unsweetened vanilla almond milk.
y'just whip whip whip it good, and aerate the heck out of it,
and then spoon it into muffins lining, in muffin tins, and make it nice.
gluten-free stuff doesn't smooth itself out, so flatten the tops as best you can.
i gave 'em thirtyish minutes. that was enough.
these jauns rose up and crowned and crested and were flipping sexxxy as hell.
which i liked a lot.
they're moist.
they're soft.
they're 0% gritty or grainy.
they're F*ing delicious.
so, like, when it comes to cupcakes?
we win, neighbors.
enjoy it.
*
i tattooed my mom!
my mom, who made it all this time with no tattoos,
and i tattooed her, finally.
yup.
i did.
that means i have the complete set.
y'know?
i've now tattooed every single member of my immediate family, including myself,
but with the highlight being my ma!!!.
that's pretty cool.
and it was her first one, (probably her only one)
and at my own studio, too!
that's a huge deal to me.
i'm grateful for the days that unfold like yesterday.
it wasn't all magic and majesty,
but there was more good than bad,
and more people who cared than didn't,
and all of it unfolded along a path i'm prepared to follow to the end,
so as it happens, and it all always really does,
i'm reminded of the people and the places,
the spirit and the memory,
the gratitude and generosity and the togetherness that i get to experience
with the ones who matter the most to me.
then i stuffed my face with more pizza than ever before,
and had a cupcake for good measure.
too much is the right amount,
and i'm more than okay with that;
NQNS.....

RAZZZZZZZZ!

sometimes, if i know i'm about to be all alone for a day,
i go back to where i came from.
that's real.
y'don't forget your roots, or you'll become an ungrounded bummer, bro.
i started baking seriously to cope with loss and frustration,
a meditative process that produced something fancy, but functional,
to sustain and nourish all the aspects of my creative and hungry infinite nature.
that's the truth.
and when i need to just dissolve all the stresses that i'm carrying?
i could never ever just do nothing.
i don't want to escape, i want to engage, and for me, that means DOING something.
more often than not,
that specifically means making something delicious and delightful,
beautiful and bountiful,
conscientious, conscious, and creative, all at once.
so, i did that.
and *gasp* i used ALLL the regular-A* wheat and gluten-based goodness i had on hand.
hahahah!
i'll make all the gluten-free everything if that makes it possible to include
my closest companion i the thing i love to do the most.....
but if i'm solo for even a second?
i'm going full super-success expert-style succulence,
and i promise you, it'll be F*ing rad every time.
that's real.
check the process/progress report:

RASPIES!!!
man, i got alllllll the razzlers on top of this.
and i'm gonna tell you how you can too.
ready?
here we go:
-
*
RAZBARS!!
-
preheat your oven to 370℉
-
in a small pot,
add 12oz of frozen raspberries
to 1/4 cup powdered sugar and  3 T non-GMO gluten-free organic cornstarch sfted together
with 1/2 tsp lemon extract and 1 tsp vanilla defrosted and thickened over medium-low heat,
until it's all a blarpity blob of redness.
remove them form the heat source and set 'em aside.
wooooooo!!!
-
get out a medium-sized mixing bowl,
and using a pastry-cutter, combine:
1 stick ( 8T ) vegan butter;
1 cup brown sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 tsp vanilla;
add 1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce;
2 1/4 cups a.p. flour;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
1/4 cup rolled oats;
3 T tapioca starch.
stir,
and mix in:
1 cup non-dairy milk.
fold all the ingredients into a very thick batter,
and spread evenly in a greased 9 x 12" pan.
yeah!!
add the slippery red raspberry sauce, spread evenly across the top,
and quickly, in your batter bowl,
make up some streuselly crumble topping!
-
*
CR0MBLEZ!
-
3 T vegan butter;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 cup quick oats;
1/4 cup dessicated unsweetened organic coconut;
1/4 cup powdered sugar.
chop chop chop that all up until it clumps together,
and take handfuls of it, and sprankle it all over the berry bits.
now you've got three layers, playboi-
all that's left to do is to bake it for thirty minutes.
i mean, really, these jauns are F*ing amazing.
fluffy bottom cake,
crunchy cookie-style crumbs,
very tart-and-sweet berry teamwork in-between.
c'mon!
that's dreamy, dudes.
i'm a dream-maker, in cake form.
i can live with that.
*
the process is productive,
and the results are undeniable.
i feel better, i did something creative,
i created something usable,
i got involved in my own life as a way to decompress from my own life.
i like that.
it's all really happening, kids.
that's the whole point.
it may never ever be enough,
but i'll never ever stop trying to get there;
NQNS.....

SCONE-STARS!

i even cut out little apple stars, just to be cute.
yeah!!
wait....
i'm skipping ahead.
let me clarify.
i made gluten-free apple cinnamon scones,
and i added cute lil sugar sprankles....
and i even cut out little apple stars, just to be cute.
NOW you get it, right?
gotcha!
so,
here's the finished product:

WOOOOOOOO!
and here's the true story behind their creation:
i've been baking and making all sorts of breakfasty stuff for weeks.
i don''t always take pictures anymore,
as the demand is greater than the presentation can withstand-
i.e. hungry everybodies want their tasty bits asap, and there's no photos allowed
when all the faces are full and all the crumbs are flying everywhere......
but sometimes i still find a small second here and there to document
what's going on at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
that's what i do, after all, even if it's no longer the only thing i do, y'know?
yeah.
so,
gluten-free scones aren't easier to make.
that's the first truth about 'em.
the second is that they cut cleaner, but bake denser, so in the future,
i believe i may have to amend the recipe to allow for more moisture to be included/.
we'll see.
i haven't decided when they'll appear next, anyway,
so there's plenty of brainstorming allowed until then
ANYway, here's what went into these autumnal awesomes.
you decide what you'd like to do about that on your own time:
-
*
GF APPLE SCONES!!
-
preheat your oven to 410℉
-
get a big ol' bowl out, and fill it with the following:
1 cup bob's all-purpose gluten-free baking blend;
1 cup mama's almond flour blend;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp cinnamon;
3 T raw sugar;
3 T tapioca flour;
1/4 cup gf oat flour;
6 T vegan butter;
1 tsp xantham gum;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
3 T vegan creamchee'...
-
with a pastry cutter, chop all that up thoroughly together, until it's all crumbly.
add in:
1/3 cup unsweetened non-dairy yogurt;
1 large apple, peeled, cored, and cubed into 1/4" chunks;
1/3 cup non-dairy milk + more if necessary, added 1 t at a time, to make a heavy dough.
knead, and fold, and turn the dough, making sure to incorporate all the apples,
and all the flour,
until it's all totally blended, and sticking together.
hand form it into a 1/2" thick rectangle about 6" wide by 12" long,
and cut that in half lengthwise,
and into triangles along each half, until you've got about a dozen-
a few more if you like skinny cuts, and a few less if yo make em fatties-
i don;t know your tastes, so do what you do, neighbors.
i support you in this.
-
arrange them on a baking tray and sprankle some raw sugar crystals on top.
maybe shake a little cinnamon dust up on there, too.
i mean,
it won't hurt anything if you go a little hard on the flavors, y'know?
it's true.
and if you like being kyoooooooot?
those small apple stars are pretty expert, bro.
just sayin'.
i keep a full complement of cutters on hand for occasion just like this one.
i'm never sad about it.
then get 'em all pretty, and ready, and bake 'em up for twenty or so minutes.
BOOM!
just like that,
you're a radical vegan exxxplosion of excellence,
and you've also got a whole batch of scones to eat.
who wins harder than us?
nobody, obvi.
duh.
you're a superstar,
i'm a superstar,
we're a regular (almond)milky way, aren't we?
i think so;
NQNS.....

CARAMEL GARGAMEL!

vegan caramel chips.
yup.
king david makes them.
i dunno who he is, or if he's really a king,
but his chips are F*ing rad, neighbors.
i used a whole cup of them in a cake,
and i didn't use any gluten while i was at it.
cool, huh?
i thought it was, anyway.
check the teleport:

CARAMEL GARGAMEL, MAN!
so, it's like this:
i had two green apples, and i peeled them, i cut 'em into 1/2" chunks,
and i heated 'em up in a small pot, with a splash of vanilla, a dash of salt,
a pat of vegan butter, and 1/4 cup of powdered sugar, until they were slightly softened,
but NOT mushy.
that's the move.
i set 'em aside, and got to work on the big action immediately.
you wanna know about it?
ok.
i'll tell you about it:
-
*
CAAAAAKE!
-
preheat your oven to 360℉
-
in a medium-sized mixin' bowl, using a pastry cutter, combine:
1 cup brown sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 T cinnamon;
1 tsp allspice;
1/2 tsp ginger;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
1/2 tsp nutmeg;
1 stick (8 T) vegan butter;
next,
add 1 cup vegan caramel chips;
and 1 cup mama's almond flour blend (get it, it's perfect for this);
1 cup bob's all-purpose baking mix;
1 tsp xantham gum;
3 T tapioca starch;
3 T garbanzo flour;
1/4 cup unsulphured unsweetened medium flake coconut;
1/3 cup gf oat flour.
-
add the warm apples, and 1/2 cup non-dairy milk, and stir until you've got a sticky batter.
the apples melt the caramel a bit,
the weird flours get all gloppity and bloppity,
and all of it goes into a 9" greased springform pan, man.
that's the way to doo-doo that freaky sh!t, son.
trust y'boi on this, i'd never lead you astray.
bake it for at least 35 minutes, maybe longer-
just don't let those steamy apple sog up your cake.
let it bake until a tester comes away clean from the center.
-
cool it completely- spring that form open, too, to speed it up,
or that ring will trap alllll the moisture and make it lame.
nobody wants lame cake, dudes.
ever.
-
the caramel drizzle?
4 oz. of chips, plus 3 T non-dairy milk, plus low heat, in a small pot.....
melt 'em up, and let the liquid emulsify that sugary swamp into a syrup,.
and squeeze it all out of a pastry bag, or plastic baggie with a corner cut off,
so that you get the loveliness, and the stripiness, all over the top.
you can do it, because i can do it, and i'm no superhero, buddy.
nope.
i'm just a guy trying to bake gluten-free stuff for the girl i like.
otherwise, i'd just have made wheat cake, and it would've already been read already.
ha!
i do exxxtra stuff for the most exxxtra ones.
that's my style, because i know the rules,
and the first on the list?
yup.
too much is the right amount.
anything less is so F*ing terrible, i won't even consider it.
that's a thing.
now, go enjoy your cake baking, my friends;
NQNS....

RUSTIC!

i made a really real gluten-free galette, guys.
i did.
the kind that looks all old-timey, with the rough edges and everything.
...
so, here's the thing-
i have NO idea what i'm doing.
that's no joke.
i making these little vegan treats and sh!t whenever i have time;
which happens only half as often as i have the desire;
which occurs only half as often as it used to be.
that's a LOT less treats.
however, there are a lot more interesting conversations,
and a lot more showing and telling,
and a little bit of refereeing,
as well as a whole heck of a lot of early mornings interacting with small people.
honestly,
whipping up fewer brownies or whatever doesn't seem so bad comparatively.
doing floor puzzles and packing lunches and picking out stories is pretty tight.
but i'm still gonna bring the fury to the oven if there's a spare minute to make it work,
y'feel me?
real talk.
i don't ever take it easy, and i don't ever stop caring, or trying,
and i will forever and ever do everything expert in it's entirety,
and that includes the baking game, with or without wheat.
word up.
check the teleport:

GALETTE IT TOGETHER!!
oh MAN,
i was surprised i pulled off wheatless pastry crust but it was seriously on point.
neighbors,
here's how it went down:
-
*
PASTRY!!
-
in a medium-sized mixing bowl, combine:
2/3 cup bob's all-purpose baking flour blend (bean based);
2/3 cup bob's 1:1 baking flour (rice based);
3 T tapioca starch;
3 T raw sugar;
6 T vegan butter;
2 T vegan creamchee';
1 tsp xantham gum;
1/4 tsp salt;
1 tsp vanilla;
4-6 T non-dairy milk.
knead, fold, and turn, over and over, until the entire mixture is one cohesive dough.
add more s'milk as necessary to bind it up.
the dough should be firm, and almost crumbly....you cansee the finished edges up there, right?
that's what you want.
refrigerate 1 hour, covered, and roll it out on a non-stick surface to 1/4" thickness, in a circle.
nice.
-
to make it magical?
preheat your oven to 450℉.
lay your rough-hewn dough circle on parchment on a baking pan,
and get ready to fill it up.
i used gluten-free oats on the bottom in a thin layer.
then, i thinly sliced a couple of local red apples into wedges, sins on and everything,
and tossed them in a bow with vanilla, powdered sugar, and cinnamon.
simple simple simple.
arranged all nicey-nice in a radial fan, i folded the dough over the edges to hold it all in,
and baked the whole dang thing for twenty minutes.
it got crispy, it gold golden,
it got gooooood af.
that's expert, bro, and that's what i do.
***********
september was too short.
but it sure held a whole world within it's borders.
this calendar page contained the entire depth and breadth of love and hate,
triumph and tragedy,
spirit and memory,
and all of it all really happened in a neatly arranged series of weeks.
i'm glad for all of it, because real life is always invited to my makeout parties;
NQNS.....

Friday, September 21

PIZZA PARTY!

there's only one treatment for a case of overwhelmed overtiredness-
y'wanna know what it is?
pizza.
yup.
therapy, for me, involved tossing dough and tuning up all the toppings,
and baking the big picture on an oven stone in a 480℉ convection oven.
that's real.
wednesday night was a pizza party.
and one of the three pizzas i made was F*ing expert.
would you like to see it?
ok.
check the teleport:

that's AMORÉ!!
y'know? word up.
a square pizza is invited to my partied most of the time.
i also made a traditional circle, cut into traditional wedges, for the kids,
and a gluten-free ultra-bummer for breezy...those weren't breakout stars.
but that rectangular rock-and-roller up there^^?
super-duper-fly, duders.
it had crushed san marzano tomatoes on the bottom,
then torn baby spinach leaves,
followed by exxxtra-minced daiya mozzarella, exxxtra melty for the exxxtra effort
(rules is rules)
...and caramelized sweet onions.
then there's oven-roasted olive oil and pink salted red potato slices,
red onion,
fat brown (on purpose) tomatoes,
steamed broccoli,
and fried garlic sprankles.
THAT'S a monster pizza, and only a square crust could've adequately accommodated all that.
but that's not all-
nope.
too much is the right amount-
there's ALSO homemade tempeh bacon bits on top-
this batch was simple:
-

TEMPEH BACONZ
-
in a high-walled pan, on high heat, with 1 tsp olive oil, lay out
1/2 block tempeh, cut into long strips 1/4" thick,
add:
1/2 cup water;
1 tsp ea. Garlic Powder Onion Powder;
2 T gluten-free soy sauce;
3 shakes liquid smoke;
2 T agave;
1 tsp smoked paprika;
1 tsp black pepper.
simmer until all that liquid is absorbed, and flip 'em once to get all
the caramelized agave goodness to glaze both sides-
then remove 'em from the heat, and chop 'em up to toss onto your pizza.
tight.
-
ok, ok, OKAY- and i also also added shredded radicchio ribbons.
yeah.
i want the overkill to kill me over and over with every slice.
it did.
i died.
it was worth it.
and the dough was dope, as always:
-

DOUGHPE!
-
in your uprighteous stand mixer, with the essential dough hook in place,
knead together:
2 cups a.p. flour;
1 1/2 tsp salt;
1 pkg fast-actin' yeast;
1 tsp sugar;
3/4 cup warm water w/ 1 tsp bread-machine yeast stirred in and bloomed five minutes-
beat it up for ten minutes straight on low-low/medium speed,
and let it proof all day in the fridge, or even just while the oven warms up to temp...
that's the stuff, neighbors.
the longer you can let it rise, slowly, the more flavor will develop along with the texture.
that's real.
*
pizza is what i love best of all.
i'm grateful that every day is too damned busy.
that means my life is FULL, which means i'm not wasting time.
i literally fall asleep standing up most of these evenings,
and i kind of like it.
i dunno where yesterday ended, i just know that crabtree
gets suckier at sleeping every single night....
so we're up earlier and earlier every damned day.
and that's saying a LOT, as he was never known for being a slumberer.
-
i also went to the school's open house, too.
uh-huh.
that's real.
i owe my daughters' mom a hard high five,
because that is a monster-sized sardine-packed powermove for party-poopin'
poopie pants parents, and easily ten times as many little kids.....
yikes!
it's cool, we all did the thing, and we all met the staff and saw the sights,
and it was cute and they were cute, and it was alllllll cute.
i did a thing.
we did a thing.
it was a big deal, and no big deal,
and it signified all the ways in which the last few years have changed me.
it's all really happening,
all the tears, a little bit of sweat,
and thankfully the only blood shed so far mostly belongs to me
and just a drop or two a day comes that tiny type-one diabetic baby;
NQNS.....

Monday, September 17

FRITTERS!!!!!

holy sh!t!
y'all aren't ready for how much hottness i just invented.
seriously, the new new is in effect,
and i'm exxxtra-proud of it.
that's real.
gluten-free, but you'd never know it.
baked, not fried, but you'd never feel like you're missing out.
lower in fat than most of what i make, not that it matters.
and full of cinnamony granny smithy apple magic for your face.
check it out:

WEEEOW, FRITTERS!!
they're F*ing excellent, man.
and more than that, they're a totally invented off-the-cuff creation, too.
uh-huh.
i had an idea, and it worked.
and i'm pretty psyched about that for sure!
they're moist and soft and chunky and spiced so nice.
there's maple syrup and a hint of coconut so subtle f you're not looking for it,
you'd likely assume it was some sort of heavenly kiss from the aether, bro.
real talk.
these are the TRUTH!
you want them.
trust y'boi when he tells you: you want them.
and here's how you can have them...
consider it a gift from me to you:
-

GF FRYE-TOWN FRIIIITTERS!!
-
preheat your oven to 360℉.
-
in a small pot, you're gonna need to get the apples ready first-
so, peel, core, and cube up 3 granny smiths (or whatever you'd prefer)
into 1/2'' chunks, and add 1 T cinnamon, 2 T maple syrup,
1 tsp coconut oil, and 1 tsp vanilla, all together, and simmer that stuff on mediumish heat,
until they apples start to soften and juice up,
and the cinnamon starts wafting through the whole house.
-while those are slowly bubbling, get out a medium sized mixin' bowl,
and combine:
1/2 stick (4 T) vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
2/3 cup sugar;
3 T vegan sour cream;
2 tsp coconut milk powder;
3 T unsweetened unsulphured medium flake coconut-
next add:
3/4 cup bob's rice-based 1:1 gf flour;
3/4 cup bob's gf bean-based baking flour;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
1/2 cup gf oat flour;
1/2 cup non-dairy yogurt.
-
now, add the apples to the flours,
and toss 'em until they form the stickest mixture.
i formed up a dozen baseball sized blops, and pressed 'em flattish on a pair of baking trays,
before i baked 'em up for thirty minutes.
...that's the move.
then, while they were still hot , i placed 'em on a wire rack, over a bowl,
and dumped a dollop of icing over each one, which melted into all the cracks and crevices
like sugary lava....
that's expert, and that's overkill, and that's the wa to go, bro.
yup.
too much is the right amount.
that's no joke.
the icing is literally just powdered sugar and water.
mostly powdered sugar, with jussssst enough warm water to get it gluey.
the hot fritters did the rest of the work.
-
they're so soft, but they're not wet. the apples are firm, but not raw.
the spice is tight af, and the crumb is the prefect texture.
they must've slightly steamed with all that apple juiciness, i guess,
because they were out of this world with smooooooth flavors and textures,
and that's what we all need more of today and every day, right?
word up.
*
i had no idea when i woke up that i was gonna get so fresh-to-death on a batch of fritters.
i mean, i had the overwhelming urge to get into some serious sh!t,
but i also had no baseline plan for what was gonna pop off.
i'm pretty glad for the events that unfolded in front of my eyes, guys.
when a plan comes together, i get excited.
when a tasty morning treats crosses my plate, i get amped up like nobody's business.
that's where the magic happens,
somewhere between inspiration and activation.
i'm happy about it.
if you make these, you will be too.
i ate a LOT of''em,
and i feel fantastic about that.
i can't wait to hear about what YOU think when they first cross your lips,
fresh and warm and sweet and spetembered the F* up.
heck yes.
get into it, and you'll be in great shape for the res of the day;
NQNS.....

GINGER SPICE!

i'm all about a good cake, guys.
that's no joke.
i want all the cake. i want all the frosting.
i want all the gingery spice.
and that's exxxactly what i've got going on over here.
check it out, via teleport:

YEAH!!
it's a dense, soft, spongy, thiccc piece of work,
and it's reallllllly effing good, too.
you wanna know what's in it?
molasses.
ginger.
cinnamon, nutmeg, allspice, cloves.
brown sugar.
love.
awwwwww.
yes, neighbors, i put my heart into my treats.
and i put the recipes here for you.
ready?
ok!
-
*
GINGER SPICE SEPTEMBER CAKE!
-
preheat your oven to 360℉.
-
in a medium-sized mixin' bowl, mash up:
1 cup light brown sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 stick vegan butter;
1 tsp vanilla;
2 T skin-on organic finely-minced ginger;
1 1/2 tsp ginger extract;
3 T molasses;
1 T cinnamon;
1/2 tsp nutmeg, allspice;
dash of cloves-
smash all that into mush, and stir in:
1/4 cup tapioca flour;
1/2 cup non-dairy yogurt-
whip that around using a spatula, and scrape it all off the sides, too.
-
next, add 2 1/2 cups flour;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking sida;
and 1 cup non-dairy milk.
whip it well, thoroughly but gently folding it all together,
and pour it into a greased 9" springform pan.
bake it up for thirty-five to forty minutes, or until a tester comes away clean from the center.
it should form a few cracks in the surface, and get sorta shiny on top when it's ready.
pop the spring off the sides of that pan, and let it cool completely before you decorate it.
me?
i'm a fan of no-occasion single-layer cakes.
i really am.
i want a casual slice of non-celebratory indulgence whenever i feel like it,
and single layer jauns are just the thing to make that happen.
so that's what i do.
-
i used the cinnamaplecreamchee' frosting from the last cake for this one too.
that's always a good idea.
MORE cinnamaplecreamchee' boomfire is what we all need,
and everybody is better off after a slice of septembery cake.
that's for sure.
nobody knows how much i think about these things all day-
or how much i look forward to a morning where i can get elbows-deep in batter,
and do the thing i love best.
mmmhmmmm.
a great tattoo is fulfilling,
but a great cake is thrilling and filling as well.
i do what i do because i am compelled to.
it's my purpose.
i guess being the baker-man isn't worst of things, is it?
meanwhile, i'm racing around like a wild man trying to accomplish everything else, too.
there's a LOT to do these days,
and it's all really happening, even if it feels like the world is moving faster than i am by half;
NQNS.....

OATMEAL!

iced cinnamon oatmeal cookies?
AND they're gluten-free?!?!
c'mon. that's expert.
and autumnal, if a bit early.
yup.
the temperature is in the 80's every dang day,
but the real hottness comes from these oatmeal jauns.
check the teleport:

WORD!
y'know y'wanna make some.
and i know i want you to, too.
so here's the recipe, neighbors, because i like y'all a whole bunch:
-
*
GF IOC!
-
preheat your oven to 375℉.
in a medium mixing bowl, combine:
1 stick (8 T) vegan butter;
1 cup raw sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
1/2 cup unsweetened medium flake unsulphured coconut;
1/2 tsp xantham gum.
-
add 1 1/2 cups gf oatflour;
1 cup thick rolled gf oats;
1 cup bob's gf baking flour;
2 tsp cinnamon;
1 tsp baking soda;
1 1/2 tsp baking powder;
1/4 cup non-dairy milk.
-
knead thoroughly to form a chunky dough,
and pull off golf-ball sized blops, roll 'em, slightly squish 'em,
and evenly space 'em on a couple of baking trays-
put those bad babies in the oven for 13 minutes,
and let them cool completely before you ice the tops up properly-
-
the icing?
powdered sugar, vanilla, cinnamon, and non-dairy milk.
y'ever made it?
it's like a cup of sugar, a splash of vanilla, a dash of cinnamon,
and a spoonful of s'milk, and the another spoonful, an maybe another 'nother one,
until you've got a goopy glue-like consistency.....
i always put mine in a sandwich bag, seal it and clip a corner off to drizzle it everywhere.
that's my move, you're welcome to just use a spoon or whatever
*
i learned something:
if you sleep not at all, there's more time to do more things,
albeit in a fugue, and also, poorly.
i guess that's where i'm at for now.
we'll see how long it lasts;
NQNS.....

Sunday, September 16

BLOXXX!

three layer apple squares?
yes.
gluten-free, too?
yup.
pretty as a picture on top of all that??
you know it.
check the teleport:

SQUARES, with STREUSEL!
i only wanna make dopeness that looks good and smells good and tastes good.
okay?
okay!
here's how i did it:
-
*
APPLE BROWN SUGAR CINNAMON OATMEAL THREE-LAYER SQUARES!
-
preheat your oven to 365℉.
-
in a medium-sized mixin' bowl, cream together:
1 cup brown sugar;
2 tsp cinnamon;
1 stick vegan butter;
1 tsp vanilla;
1/2 cup vegan sour cream.
-
add:
1 cup mama's almond flour blend;
1 cup bob's gf baking flour;
1/4 cup tapioca starch;
1 cup crushed rolled oats;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda.
-
spoon that into a greased and floured rectangular pan.
next, you're gonna need layer two.
-
here's how you do that-
in your food processor, chop up:
three apples, cinnamon, vanilla, and 1/4 cup powdered sugar-
pulsed and pulverized into pulp, and spread over the top of the batter, bro.
yeah!
next up, in the same bowl as the batter,
you gotta make layer three.
-
that's 1 cuppa quick-rolled oats;
3 T vegan butter;
cinnamon;
1/4 powdered sugar;
1 tsp vanilla.
1/2 cup gf oat flour.
it makes that crumbly cookie-ish dough-
-
y'just crOmble those jauns on top of the apple blops,
and bake the whole thing for 30ish minutes.
....dudes, these are soft and sweet and fruity and fresh and cookied out and caked up,
and totally flippin' expert.
and now you know how to make 'em,
so i'd recommend you do that.
just sayin';
NQNS.....

CAKE!

apple upside-down harvest spice cake?
yeah.
look here:

WORD.
ready?
here it comes:
-
*
A.U.D.H.S.C!
-
preheat your oven to 360℉-
-
in an upright mixer, with the wire whisk attached,
cream together:
1 stick vegan butter;
1 cup raw sugar;
2 tsp vanilla;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/2 cup unsweetened non-dairy yogurt;
1 1/2 tsp cinnamon;
1/2 tsp nutmeg;
1/2 tsp allspice;
dash of cloves;
1 sachet 'harvest spice' trader joe's tea...
-
when combined, add:
2 1/4 cups flour;
1/4 cup tapioca starch;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
1/2 cup non-dairy milk;
1/2 cup apple cider.
-
whip that into a fluffy batter,
and set aside.
grease a 9" springform pan,
and arrange 1/4" thick sliced apples around the entire bottom.
spoon the cake batter over the top of them (it's upside down remember?)
and put it in the oven for 35-40 minutes, or until a tester comes away clean from the center.
-
allow it to cool, and flip it over to reveal those pretty apple slices on 'top'.
tight.
i added some cinnamon and sugar sprankles to the top, to make it extra fancy-
too much is the right amount after all.
...
next, you'll need some frosting.
i recommend my personal contribution to deliciousness,
cinnamplecreamchee' frosting.
here's how that happens:
-
*
MAPLEBLOPS!
-

in a mixer, with the whisk read to whip around, add:
2 cups powdered sugar;
5 T vegan butter;
3 T vegan creamhee';
1 tsp vanilla;
1/2 tsp maple exxxtract;
cinnamon (duh);
1/4 cup non-dairy milk;
2 T real new hampshire maple syrup.
whip whip whisk whisk whirl and whip again,
until it's fluffed the F* out.
just like that, you'e got the new hottness for all your autumnal niceties.
there you have it.
recipes.
for your face.
enjoy;
NQNS.....

TORTELLONI ITALIA

check it out:

TORTELLONI!
those are the big ones.
and these are big.
y'like that italian flag color scheme?
me too.
here's how i made it all work:
-
*
TORTZ!
-
in my trusty stand mixer, i kneaded:
3/4 cup a.p. flour;
3/4 cup semolina flour;
1 tsp sea salt;
2 T olive oil;
1/2 cup warm water-
together for ten inutes until a smooth ball formed on the dough hook.
i let that rest, covered, while i started a pot of salted water to boilin',
and got the filling ready as well-
-
the filling was great, too.
check it:
-
*
TEMPEH SAUSAGE AND SPINACH!
-
1/4 cup minced onion;
2 large cloves crushed garlic;
1/2 block prepared tempeh, crumbled;
1 tsp oregano, crushed fennel seed;
1/2 tsp sage, thyme, GPOP;
1/4 tsp rosemary, black pepper;
2 dashes liquid smoke;
1 T nootch;
in a hot pan with olive oil ready to rock, fry all tha up until the onions soften,
then add 1/2 cup veggie broth,
and 3 large handfuls of chopped spinach,
and let all that water absorb.
-
boom.
just like that, it's ready.
not bad, huh?
*
back to the dough:
roll it out on a well floured surface, extra-thin, and uniformly level-
cut yourself some squares or circles ( i go for circles, exclusively, but do what you want)
about 3" each, and set 'em aside for filling-
i got thirty something of 'em, give or take.
-
now, you'll need vegan chee', and any vegan chee' will work,
but if you've got the means and the accessibility, miyoko mozzerella is expert as heck.
a pinch of that in the center of each circle (or square),
and a spoonful of the sausagey sexxxiness with the spinach as well,
and you're in business.
fold 'em in half, then pinch the sides shut.
next, fold both sides in like it is hugging itself, and pinch them together, too.
that's all.
let 'em rest on the contertop for a few minutes,
and then toss 'em in that hot boiling water until the float,
removing the with a strainer, spider-spoon, or whatever-
*
i had those exxxtras ready already, also, y'all.
uh-huh.
olive-oil-fried garlic slice sprankles.
and then, in that same oil?
halved and blackened baby grape tomatoes.
and then in the same oil again?
now doubly-infused with flavor, i added cracked black pepper and a little pink salt,
and poured it over the pasta like a pro.
that's stacks on stacks of compound flavor concentration, kids.
believe it.
-
and then all the deepest still-dark leaves of fresh-from-outside basil,
to turn it up to eleven.
-
it's perfect.
it's pasta.
it's all right heredetailed for you to make.
you're welcome;
NQNS.....

Saturday, September 15

BYE BYE

real life documentarianism.
that's how this blog started.
true stories, told truly, because truth tellers can never stop.
there's been stories of true love, romantic love, and site-specific love, both big and small;
losses of all sizes and scale, personally, professionally, perpetually;
there's been a whole heck of a lot of litanies about personal opinion;
and a little of the art, ideas, and tattoos that made the rest possible from time to time, too....
there's been a lot of transformation that's spanned across time and space as well:
from the fat, long-haired, bushy-bearded bummer who started this thing
to the skinny spindly old bald busted grey-touched grump typing right now-
that's a LOT of stuff to tell stories about, and i have done so,
always, all the time,  and up until recently, almost every damned day for a decade.
and now, i've got more on my daily schedule than i have hours to do it all-
owning and operating AMPERSAND TATTOO,
working literally seven days a week;
three full-time resident children in the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress;
crabtree the high-tension terrier craving every ounce of my already attenuated attention;
there's a fantastic woman who lives here, too, and she needs my time and my love,
as she gives me hers, and together we're making an all-new life from scratch.
...and don't let anybody ever forget that harvest and maple
my talented teen adultlettes are at the forefront of my spirit and memory always-
i do what i do to impress all of those people, 
and to keep up a bold sense of purpose and positive mental attitude 
for all the worthy warrior poets and the expert active participants that i encounter.
-
too much is the right amount, guys.
the thing of it is, there's more really happening that requires me to be present for,
and less of it is getting recorded for posterity.
9pm one-bowl suppers aren't as sexy as they could be,
and 4am dog wrestling wake-up calls aren't as alluring as you might imagine.
it isn't all family togetherness and family dinner and family fun-
it's racing against the clock and running late forever and running around missing something
and not remembering what it is until it's happening and you're unprepared...
i need more time, or, more accurately, 
i need more practice at proficiently preparing and prioritizing.
...
...
...
so,.
i'm saying so long to the few dedicated catcher-uppers who've been keeping tabs on my woodsly goodly life through this marginal and outmoded means of communique-
i may have more to say later, as i get better at being the busiest i've ever been-
but, until then,
it's bye bye time.
so i'll wave a little wave to the screen,
and i'll feel a little pang in my heart for the slacking and the lacking 
that have allowed the latest lapses in these true stories and recipe tests....
but, i've got work to do, dudes,
and it's time to get back to it.
i'm grateful for those who take an interest,
and i know i've been lucky to have a platform to talk about the triumphs, the trials, and the treats
for ten F*ing years.
until i have a minute to breathe, and better stories to tell;
never quiet, never soft.....