Tuesday, April 25

ENCHIES!!

oh man!!
what a day!
beautiful weather.
laid-back clients.
well-behaved crabtree.
and a great big fat mexican mutha'-munchin' monday to manage
once all the regular responsibilities of my everyday adult life were completed.
mmmmmhmmmmm.
i got after all the routine stuff from the jump-off,
just so i'd be ready to rock after work.
on the ones,
i looked forward to my dinner plan all damned day long.
but first,
i did the dishes, i swept up, i folded laundry,
i walked the dog, i ran the errands, i got the groceries,
i tattooed a few lovely ladies-
including a little freehand floral cover-up and rework action-
and i managed to leave work thirty minutes early.
...yep!
it's a small quotient of time,
but,
when allotted to committed and conscientious dog ownership-
with crabby and i careening through the mud and leaves of the woodsly goodness,
it actually freed up a little MORE focused and unadulterated kitchen time,
with the good evening light,
the better to capture a picture of what i was confident would be a ferociously filthy,
gooey, sauced-out shark-gluttonous feast for my big fat face.
WORD!
it's not psychic precognition, it's just determined meal planning.
-
dudes!
enchiladas are definitely ON the list.
the nice list.
the guest list.
the A list.
even schindler's list.
ummmmm,
that's what 75% accuracy looks like.
ANYway,
what i mean is:
I LOVE OVERSTUFFED expert VEGAN ENCHILADAS A WHOLE BUNCH!
that's no joke.
and when i find a bigger and better soft flour tortilla at the grocery store?
like, the perfect F*ing sized circles.
like, lower calories, but more area.
like, 7" hardcore vinyl record radness, in floppy flour format.
the enchie game turned up a notch with these new-new jauns.
guys,
check the double-sauce-type teleport:

A GOOD ENCHILADA WILL IMPROVE YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!
i'm pretty sure that's a thing.
friends,
i had multiple burners blazing away.
gravy, sauce, beans, and fillings,
plus the food processor pulsing and spinning,
and a whole counter cleared for assembly.
that's what's UP.
the enchiladas themselves had a whole holy helluva lotta hottness.
like:
homemade cashew-garlic-tofu chee'.
daiya mozzarella,
shredded spinach.
scallion greens.
cilantro.
and
nootch-boosted ho'sauce activated refritos!!!
-
2T vegan butts + 1 T olive oil;
1/4 cup sweet onion;
3 T finely diced sweet bell pepper;
1 tsp minced jalapeno;
16 oz. cooked, mooshed pinto beans;
(canned is fine, get the fat free ones they're usually the lard-free less-'sgusting vegan ones)  
3T nutritional yeast (nootch);
2 T louisiana/texas-style ho' sauce;
1 1./2 tsp each Garlic Powder, Onion Powder & black pepper.
saute the onion and pepper, add the beans,
stir it up, and mix in the nootch, spices, and ho'sauce.
really, it's so simple, but the FLAVOR is so much more awesome.
-
but that's not all y'all.
c'mon.
what are you?
new here?
don't be dumb, dude-guy-
too much is the right amount.
and MORE filling fits in a bigger wrap-up,
so there has to be MORE filling.
rules is rules.
yes.
so i simmered up a fresh homemade batch of smoky seitan in the a.m. in eager anticipation
of my enchilada extranvaganza in the p.m.
...smart.
 i took strips of that, with strips of poblano pepper, and onion,
and sizzled them to a golden brown with chipotle pepper powder,
oregano, thyme, smoked paprika, coriander, GPOP, cayenne, and himalayan salt.
homemade seitan is the TRUTH,
how much more expert did it make my enchiladas?
twice the legal limit, at least.
that's awesome news for lovers of illicit 'ladas, am i right?
hahaha.
-
here's the thing.
i made gravy too.
y'gotta, or your enchiladas are bullsh!t.
no, really.
if you pour homemade gravy in between the tubes,
and under neath, and around them,
it seeps and steams into the tortillas,
and gives them that wet-bottomed juiciness that really real mother'uckers crave.
for realsies.
-
gravy is crazy simple, too.
my homie travis (vegan_magic_time) discovered as much recently,
and it's changing his life for the better....
don't sleep on it.
and while you're at it, peep his recipe so i can type more about other things...
like the SWEET FIERY ENCHILADA SAUCE!
-
3 T minced onion;
2 T minced poblano
1 T minced jalapeno;
1 tsp red hot chili pepper (but no anthony keidis, under any circumstances);
1 T vegan butts;
1 T olive oil;
1 tsp ea. GPOP, black pepper, crushed red pepper. smoked paprika,oregano;
1/2 tsp ea. cumin, cayenne, ancho chili;
1/4 tsp. coriander;
himalayan/sea salt;
^ fry all that up until the spices smell astoundingly well toasted,
and the veg has been sweated and softened.
then add in 1/4 cup broth (i used the seitan stuff, and that was a nice touch)
and 1/2 cup crushed tomato sauce-
simmer that all up until it begins to thicken,
add a dash or three of ho'sauce;
a pinch of raw sugar;
and as much as i am loathe to suggest it-
2 T organic agave-sweetened ketchup.
yup.
a quick stir and then you just douse your enchiladas with about half of it,
before you bake them, in whatever sized pan you'll need to fit however many you make,
covered in foil, in a 360F hot oven, for twenty minutes.
after that,
you're gonna reapply the rest of the sauce,
which has still been thickening on low heat,
and give 'em another 'nother ten UNcovered.
.......
complicated? a little.
amazing? completely.
worth it? SO worth it.
and even THAT isn't all there is.
i told you-
too much is the right amount.
that's not to be take lightly.
there's also cashew lime crema!!!
s'good!
-
in a high-speed food processor,
which i sincerely hope you have, as it is ultra-necessary for expertism,
combine
3/4 cup soaked drained cashews;
a dash of pink salt;
1/2 tsp GPOP (that's 1/4 each);
3-4 T lime juice;
cayenne to taste;
non-dairy milk, added 1 T at a time, until it's all super smooth.
i think i ended up using 1/4 cup or so?
holy sh!t, tho, bros.
that's the next-level drizz that will activate all your latent neurons.
for serious, you will get smarter if you eat this.
...probably.
...maybe.
actually, i can't say for sure.
but, i know i feel smarter.
that's real, at least.
and even that wasn't the end.
nope.
i took these even further-
avocado? check.
sliced fresh jalapeno? check.
leafy, cool, cilantro? check.
red onion and scallion sprankles? WORD UP,
and check yourself if you thought i'd sleep on the spranks, you skanks.
hahahaha!!!
-
that's a serious commitment to the enchilada scene, isn't it?
you'd better believe it.
all told, even with baking, it still took under an hour.
i had the custom underchee',
the seitan was created in the a.m.
the crema was concocted while the big action was in the oven,
*
and i STILL made a whole other 'nother side order of sexxiness.
yup.
much simpler, but also pretty tasty.
tres hermanas in full effect, too-
brothb-braised butternut squash, sweet corn kernels, black beans,
sweet and red onion bits, poblano pepper, cilantro, scallion,
chipotle pepper, GPOP, and salt, sauteed in olive oil,
and served with little sweet tomato slices.
a quick one pan browning up of everything had it ready with the quickness, too.
i don't understand what compels me to do this,
but my face loves it more than my waistline laments the consequences.
***********
eating alone is for sh!t.
no, not really really.
but kinda.
i made my food bigger, because i had the technology to do so.
i thought that might give me a headstart on intelligent portion control,
but it did not.
like, not at all.
not even one little teentsy teeny-weeny tiny little bit.
nope.
i STILL ate more of it because there was nobody to share it with,
so i could just keep going.
taking big eyes-closed-happy bite after bite.
as deliciously indulgent as that was,
given all the effort that went into it,
after an all-day-long of obsessive focus on about how awesome it was going to be,
which was SO spot on, btw,
without somebody to taste-test, and corroborate my account of things,
you'd have to make it yourself to know for certain that i'm a truth-teller.
i'd suggest giving that a shot.
i'd hate for you to miss out.
i mean, it's all really happening,
you've just got to get into it to be a part of it;
never quiet, never soft..... 

Monday, April 24

THAI FIRE!!!

i spanned the entire day tattooing dudes, yesterday.
now, they were nice.
i've been tattooing one of them for the last twelve years.
damn.
he was a kid when i met him,
and now he's a grown-A* man.
it always blows my mind to think i've developed these relationships
that've outlived ones with people i genuinely cared very deeply for. 
i mean,
my clients choose to come back time and again,
for what could very well be a one-man show performed by
the most eccentric rendition of myself;
whereas folks i gave way more of a sh!t about,
and gave way more of my truest self to,
do seem to chose the exact opposite course of action.
now,
i don't know if that's a referendum on the merits of being disingenuous,
or worse,
a vote of no confidence after being taken into my confidence....
there's nothing for it, either.
who else can we be, but ourselves.
how am i not myself?
how. 
am i not. 
myself?  
it's a real albert markovski and brad stand moment, friends.
if you know, you know,
and if you don't, 
you're really operating at a major disadvantage.
i think it's a bit more than familiarity breeding contempt.
no joke,
i think there's a catalyst for calamity in my actual chemistry.
no, not like a psychological brain chemistry dysfunction, bro.
i mean, literally, physically,
i may be giving off a triggering pheromone, man.
-like the one that lets bees know who they all are gonna sting-
a compound that builds up over time,
like a slow-actin' quicksilver jaun.
with prolonged exposure?
it's lethal....to continued relationships.
DAAAAAAAAAMN.
i rep a hard style.

so, 
just to quickly recap how fast that went downhill:
i went from tattooing dudes, which is lame,
to being psyched that they were cool, kinda,
to being flattered that they've kept coming around for over a decade,
to probably ending up old and alone because of an invisible anomaly
that repels all those who span too much time near me......
at least i'm positive there's no proof to purport 
it's plausible my preternatural predisposition to pessimism pushes people 
perilously past the point of pledged passions.
also,
i think some folks hate alliteration, too.
-
jeez.
that kind of spun away from the original narrative.
ok.
but here's a bigger question-
can very spicy food fix ANY of that? 
well,
as of last evening, i'm inclined to say no.
at least, not with just one megadose, anyway.
ha!
neighbors,
i came home to lovely evening light streaming through the picture window,
and it made me want to make something HOT.
mostly because it was deceptively NOT warm, despite the sun.
i did just that.
check the spicy-everything-thai-ish-type teleport:
too much is the right amount!!
i used everything!
and lots of all of it, too.
coconut oil seared tempeh was on the menu,
and so was half a block of cubed tofu, 
sizzled up with half a diced red onion,
and deglazed with a few tablespoons of broth once they began to brown.
that's a good start.
when the liquid has disappeared,
i added in serrano chili, jalapeno, mystery red chili, and sweet yellow bell pepper.
from there,
it was a punch of cabbage and thin discs of rainbow carrots,
a head of chopped broccoli,
two cloves of sliced garlic;
a big handful of torn cilantro, 
two tablespoons of fresh thai basil,
another two tablespoons of scallion,
and 1/4 cup of roasted, toasted, unsalted peanuts.
all that was necessary after all that was a righteous drenching in sauce!!
WORD.
sauce is key in these things.
the current version contained the following:
-
1 T molasses;
1 T sriracha;
1/2 tsp texas/louisiana ho'sauce;
1/2 tsp cayenne;
1 T GPOP;
1/4 tsp fresh ginger;
2 T lime juice;
1 T soy sauce;
1 T rice vinegar;
1/2 tsp coriander;
sriracha flakes;
coarse fresh ground black pepper;
1 T cornstarch.
-
slurried and splashed into the piping hot panful of fresh leafy goodness,
stirred twice, and covered.....
on the ones,
you'll have all the boomfire for your face in under two minutes.
a few extra basil, cilantro, scallion, and peanut sprankles.
and a dust-up of toasted coconut flakes,
took the whole of the texxxture and taste profiles up to eleven, fast.
-
and that coconut lime rice?
c'mon.
s'good.
there's two ways to make coconut rice extra rad.
gummy, or grainy.
i chose grainy, since jasmine rice is flippin' awesome,
and with a 1/4 cup of unsweetened shredded coconut cooked right in with it,
it's totally expert.
i replaced 25% of the water with lime juice, so the rice, all on it's own,
could've been all i had for supper, and i'd have been psyched as heck.
real talk.
-
yeah, the garnish was sexxy too-
baby cukes and pea tendrils and microgreens are all s'kyoot,
and so delish, and so crawnchy.
i like all of that, 
especially when i'm melting my face off.
***********
i don't think i fixed anything with thai chili superheat.
but at least i gave it a shot.
i mean,
c'mon.
where are you guys?
i'm at the fire.
it's all really happening.
and that's the best and worst news i've heard all morning.
there's a lot to consider these days,
as spring sort of actually slowly creeps into the cold mountains of the north.
last time, last year? 
not so good.
but now,
this is the TRUTH;
never quiet, never soft.....

TARRRRRRTS!!!!

if you grate a half a teaspoonful of fresh ginger 
and drop it into half a cup of sugar, 
and toss them both into a bag that sleeps in the fridge overnight?
the ginger makes all the sugar taste like ginger.
that's pretty neat.
especially if you want ginger flavor, 
but maybe not the spicy bite that goes with it,
without actually candying the stuff....
guys!
i was on some residual earth day sh!t, for sure.
reuse, recycle, repurpose....
yup.
i changed it up, kids.
three R's, for sure,
but i stood on the far side of that other other  R-
y'know the one: reduce.
that's not a thing.
too much is the right amount-
and i'm happy about that, 
at least when it comes to pastry dough.
the recipe for it you might've read one post previous?
it had more flour power than one tasty tart could handle,
so, 
what could i do, 
besides what i do?
rules is rules, dudes.
...that's right.
i HAD to activate MORE tarts.
and i did that, with every last morsel of that dough,
and a few key bits and pieces from the pantry-
check these white-people-style tartlets, via the teleport:
APRICOT JAM! 
APPLES WITH GINGER'D SUGAR! 
DRIED FIGS! CINNAMON!
WOOOOOOORD!!
friends,
i'm telling you, these were just about the easiest ones to build.
a jar of apricot jammie-jam, an apple, some of those figs, and the spices...
one scoop, two slices, a pinch of sugs, a spritz of cinnamon,
and a few fig chunks.....
c'mon!
the next thing i knew, i was tearing into the whole batch of 'em.
then i remembered that i hadn't documented them yet.
so, from twelve, eight.
awwww.
a few powdered sugary sprankles took them to completion, once they were cool.
and that looks cool, too. 
***********
that's just it.
i like good-lookin' food.
i think maybe that's just overcompensation?
i stay ugly, by design.
but,
i choose to stay dope as a matter of principle.
i repeat myself. it's like a mantra,
making the best of the worst, and making good things get better... 
nature wins, after all,
my very best efforts to coordinate some semblance of personal style
are thwarted and stymied by the raw materials i'm working with underneath.
bummer. 
however,
it's in my infinite nature to turn my eternal dissatisfaction 
into an equally interminable pursuit of improvement.
it's those same raw materials that are not content 
to accept my superficial shortcomings as a declaration of devaluation
and inevitable failure as a matter of course.
ugly people can do beautiful things, bro.
that's real.
now, a few exxxtra tarts isn't quite enough of an example, 
but it's a pixel in a bigger picture...
one that's unfolding in fragments of days and weeks and months and years;
a secret blueprint of hidden hottness, 
revealed through hard work,
and intentional participation each and every last day, right up until the last day....
it's kind of life my life depends on it.
at least, it all depends on what kind of life i'm prepared to accept as my due.
i want the big deluxxxe,
so i take everything to eleven.
it's not just doing it i believe in-
it's OVERdoing it.
yup.
too much IS the right amount, 
i can't stop doing what i do,
i'm made out of it;
never quiet, never soft.....

Sunday, April 23

ERFY D!!!

so,
yesterday was earth day.
that's the day where all the non-vegans pretend they give a sh!t about the planet.
awwwwwwww.
is that a combative statement?
it might be.
but is it a true statement?
mathematically?
yes, it is.
y'all can recycle all you want,
but the impact of what's entailed in the creation of just one bacon cheeseburger
effs up the world so much more than those twelve reused aluminum cans
could ever repair.
yup.
i said it.
sorry for giving an actual sh!t about the whole world every day.
anyway,
now that i've started off by being kind of a d!ck-
let's talk about tarts.
yup.
tarts.
i love 'em.
you love 'em.
we love 'em.
and what better way to enjoy the beauty of this planet we all share,
than by sharing a slice of super-expert tripleberry creamchee' pastry together?
right?
heck yes!
i'm here for you, even when i'm kind of mean at first.
that's real.
consider it a test, neighbors!
yup, a tart test.
and if you're still reading?
congrats.
you passed.
so, now then, let's get into the tart talk.
teleport:

MMMMMMMMMMM.
why do berries have to be so good?
i just want to eat every last morsel.
.....and i just might.
too much is the right amount,
which is why i used all three big berries,
and lemon,
and vanilla.
uh-huh.
all the flavors, man.
that's what we need.
the crust is the same as always, because it's the tastiest one:
-
*
PASTRY CRUST!!
-
in a food processor, combine:
2 1/4 cups flour;
pinch of salt;
vanilla;
11 T vegan butter;
3-4 T vegan creamchee';
4 T sugar;
pulse that up,
with non-dairy milk added in by the tablespoonful,
until the flour sticks together when squeezed.
wrap it and chill it for at least an hour, longer is better,
and roll it out on a generously floured surface when it's time to rock the party.
it's. just. so. easy.
-
and the fillings?
*
BERRIES!
-
1 cup sliced frozen strawberries;
1 cup frozen wild blueberries;
1 cup frozen raspberries;
1/4 cup sugar;
2 T lemon zest;
2 T lemon juice;
lemon extract;
vanilla;
thaw out and simmer over medium-low heat, and drain off the juice.
combine with 2-3 T cornstarch, slurry, and add it back to the hot pot.
let it thicken, and cool, before adding to the dough.
(stretched into a tart pan, obvi)
that'll be crazy delicious all on it's own.
but,
if you're serious about getting expert,
you've got to get the creamchee' layer underneath first.
that's what's up.
-
1 tub of vegan creamchee';
3 T powdered sugar;
2 T tapioca;
2 T lemon juice;
lemon extract;
vanilla;
heat it enough to soften it, whisk it all together,
and spread that down first-
now you've got the hottness at your fingertips.
-
i love a good braided crust, guys.
i do.
it's good lookin' and it's a good usage of extra pastry to full effect.
and hearts?
c'mon, now-
if you don't like hearts, you probably don't have one.
ooooof.
i decorated it like i'm in love....and i think i might be....
...with treats, of course!
did i finish it off with raw sugar sprankles?
yes i did!!!
naturally, i wasn't going to just chump out in the home stretch, was i?
no way.
rules is rules.
i baked it for 25 minutes at 410F,
and i ate a warm slice after my earthy walk with my earthy terrier.
mmhmmmm.
look at it:

LAYERS, BRO!!!
the cream, the tart, the sweet, the crisp-
the buttery big bombardment of taste and texture.
i really hope you make one at home yourselves.
i think you'll be psyched if you do.
or not.
i mean,
i've got mine already, so i guess you can do whatever you want-
i'll be over here munching up on this one regardless.
in the meantime, tho,
i'll be out enjoying earth, and days, and my dumb dog,
and then, it's gonna take a whole lot of tart to improve my afternoon,
because i'm about to be brutalized by a pair of backwoods inebriates.
yeah.
it's an all-dudes workday,
on a double-dose of drunkish doo-duderism.
it's all really happening,
and sometimes, that sucks;
never quiet, never soft.....

BETTER PEOPLE!

i s'pose it's a good thing i'm a reclusive introvert
the instant i get away from the tattoo studio.
since i'm not out cavorting and frolicking late into the evenings,
there are no real distractions from the quest for expert sourdough.
....that's real.
and since i don't have anywhere else to be,
i don't so feel badly that i spend a chunk of my time folding dough, y'know?
i mean,
what else would i be doing?
going to a bar?
F* no!
going to a club?
that's just a bar with louder music.
i guess could be doing yardwork,
but, c'mon, now-
honestly, how sweatily freakin' terrible does mid-spring cold-air raking sound?
ugh.
i know.
and really, the bread dough doesn't even take that much attention.
i just happen to care more about, and have a greater emotional investment in,
a slice of unbelievable homemade radical sourdough toast in the morning,
than the prospect of being around a boring batch of box-mix m-f'ers.
i don't think that's elitist.
i think i've got my priorities in order, neighbors.
real talk:
good bread makes better people.
i'm just trying to ensure that self-improvement begins at the breakfast table.
i tell myself that small actions add up to big changes,
what's probably more accurate is that small actions add up to big heaps of bread.
mmmmmmm.
too much is the right amount, though,
and more and better bread is not a bad thing.
i've been a busy baker, and my tri-weekly bakes have produced some pretty decent results.
y'wanna see?
i'll preface it with the following:
flour. yeast, water, and salt are the requirements.
a pinch of sugar, a dash of gluten, a little bit of almond milk-
those things make an appearance here and there....
but the main four, plus time, and a whole lotta love,
are all you really need.
that said,
i make a LOT of oatmeal, white mountain white winter wheat, and rye breads.
you'll see:

I LOVE HOMEMADE FRESHLY BAKED HOTTNESS!!!!!
is that the perfect oatmeal country loaf?
it might be.
it didn't last long, that's usually a good indication.
and how about these:

rye with wheat germ? dope!
oatmeal boule?? SO dope!
i've found a rhythm to what i do.
i still don't weigh anything,
and i add a splash or a dash here and there by eye, and by feel.
i'd probably not do that if the bread sucked.
however, trusting my instincts about making dough has treated me well thus far,
so i'm gonna keep it up.
hey!
take a look at a few more, buddy:

and this one, with the explosive oven spring:

right?
the oatmeal is high on the sexxxy levels, for sure.
or how about these tasty mofos:

the crust game is on point.
uncovered in a convection oven at 460F.
for 50 minutes, with steam injection at the halfway point
(what i mean is, that's when i splash boiling water on the oven stones)
i've even tried some things that are probably not things with good reason,
like a 24hour bulk, with no cold proof:

awwww.
that one tasted ridiculous, but it's looks were a little on the underdramatic side.
-
guys,
my house is usually not super toasty warm,
so i bulk my dough, with 3 regularly timed folds from 6a.m. to 9a.m.,
plus one more at 11 a.m., then a looong rise until 6ish when i get home,
shape the loaves,
and let them rest for a nother 'nother couple of hours,
until 8:30-9 p.m.
the following day, they're in the oven by 7 a.m.
after i've run through all my early morning routines.
i think it's a system that works well,
with all of the responsible pet-ownership, and excessive treats-baking activation
that seem to suck in whole swaths of time every damned day.
y'gotta make time for the good bread, tho, bro.
rule is rules.
i recently ran out of cracked rye.
i did.
and i've been replacing it with einkorn and wheat berries.
nobody has noticed, so i guess that's good news, and bad news, all  at once.
it'd be nice if discriminating palates could discern the difference in kernels,
but i s'pose the savage tear-up of a hot slice is compliment enough.
look at some of these:

yeah.
shoutouts to my rye guy!

yeah!
(and the oatmeal's looking sexxxy as always, too)

YEAH!!
RYE  BREAD IS PRETTY DANG TASTY.
even without the caraway seeds.
-
dudes,
what about white whole wheat?
or spelt?
i got you covered:

i can't say it enough- i LOVE good bread!!!
-
i tried some oat flour, instead of oatmeal.
it was ok, but not as amazing as the whole oat cragmaster blasters i'm used to:

see?
nice, but where's the dynamic action?
the whole wheat business is uniformly a dense endeavor.
hearty, healthy whole grains are one thing,
but heavy crumb is the opposite of what i want.
to that end, i eff around with some white-on-white mountain jauns on the regular:

BOOM.

BOOOOM.
and just so you don't think i HATE the whole wheat, here's a little hybrid vigor for your eyes:

BOOOOOOOM!
that's what brings the party to the toaster,
and then gets freak-nasty with a pat of butterish.
uh-huh.
***********
i'm a busy baker,
and that's no joke.
in addition to all the cakes and cookies and pies and tarts,
i've got loaves on loaves on loaves, too.
i gift away a loaf or two every week.
really, what's the point of stockpiling bread?
it's got a finite lifespan, and it's made to be enjoyed.
i'm sharing my passion with a select few appreciators of the hottness.
not just anybody gets the good-good, guys.
i mean,
i'm not NOT an elitist,
i just don't think preferring bread to bars is the criteria.
determining who is worthy of a loaf tho?
yeah.
that's definitely a better example.
guess i need more good bread, to become a better person.
and i guess that means more time spent kneading at home.
it's all got to keep on happening.
after all,
that's the whole point;
never quiet, never soft.....

Saturday, April 22

CAKE FACE!!

thank goodness there's cake.
i mean it.
day after day after day,
there have been complications, cancellations, and aberrations
in most aspects of my workday studio life.
the scheduling is problematic.
the keeping of appointments is even worse.
and of course,
the tattoos that do show up?
mostly dudes, dudes.
damn,
it's nice to know that the cake situation is handled, at least
i can't cancel cake, even if i wanted to-
it's baked, and it's decorated, 
and it's ready to take good care of me.
....a nice slice, neighbors.
yup.
that's all it takes to turn a turd of a day into a totally expert one.
simple.
and luckily, i've got a whole lotta slices, 
enough to last me through the weak weekend, 
so i can overcome the doldrums of these dark days,
and show up all caked-out and ready to rock all these tattoos exxxtra hard.
that's practically professional planning.
i owe it all to the cake, obvi.
yeah.
that's right.
another 'nother cake.
what can i tell you?
i like cake.
i need cake.
i'm a cakey baker's kind of man,
and man, oh man, oh MAN, i have a good one right here and now.
check the teleport:
CHOCOLATE AND ALMONDS AT THE SAME TIME!!!
mmmmmmmmm.
chocolate cake can be tricky.
that's no joke.
if you're going heavy in the cocoa zone,
the crumb can get a little dry-
but if you add too much liquid, it bakes unevenly,
the edges getting crispy but the middle staying batterish.
we don't want that.
nope.
we want moist, springy, soft sensuality in our crumb.
right?
heck yes we do.
what's the solution?
better flour.
huh?
no, for real: almond meal is pretty moist stuff.
and there's almond everything in this one-
-
*
CHOCOLATE-ALMOND CAKE!
-
preheat your oven to 360F.
grease and flour two 9" rounds.
in your trusty stand-mixer, cream together:
3/4 cup sugar;
1/3 cup raw sugar;
1 1/2 tsp almond extract;
2 tsp vanilla ;
1 stick + 2T (10T) vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt; 
add and whisk on high:
3/4 cup non-dairy yogurt.
-
to that sloppy mess, you're gonna wanna include:
2 cups flour + 2 T cornstarch;
1 cup almond meal;
1/2 cup coarse-ground toasted almonds;
2 tsp baking kapowder;
1 tsp baking soda;
1/3 cup cocoa;
and 1 cup almond milk.
-
whip that up into aerated fluffy cakey batter,
divide it evenly,
and bake for 30 minutes.
when it's cool, but naked,
y'gotta get activated on some frosting styles.
yes, you do.
-
in your freshly cleaned stand-up motorized mixin' bowl-
whisk together:
1/2 stick vegan butter;
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar;
almond extract;
vanilla extract;
almond milk, added one T at a time, 
until it whips up all floofy and light.
the center and the top are the two most important parts.
if there's extra, skim-coat the sides too.
i still had chocolate frosting from my graham squares left,
so i used that on there, too.
...it looked good, but something was missing-
  and that's when i noticed the absence of sprankles.
jeez.
almost made a rookie mistake there,
but, rules is rules
and too much is the right amount,
and MORE hottness is always a good idea.
hence, a dash of toasted almond slice spranks.
mmmmmmmmhmmmmmm.
that's the way it was s'posed to be.
and that's the way it is.
***********
maybe today will bring some new hottness with it-
i mean,
the sun has been obscured for three days,
and the rain and wind haven't really allowed for much in the way of warmth,
but,
the downhill downstream waterfalls around the neighborhood are lookin' really fresh!
crabtree likes to drink the mountain-cold water,
and i like to rest for ten seconds by the brookside babbling of the rushing current.
that'll most likely be followed by a full day of zappy zips and tatty 'ttoos,
but afterwards,
it's dinner and dog excitement until whenever sleep hits,
on an all-the-way-live but unsurprisingly solo saturday night.
fresh baked bread?
i got that.
galettes?
i got them.
pie for your eye?
rolling dough between sentences.
i'm making things.
i should be making pictures.
maybe i will.
i mean,
there's enough cake to last a day or two,
and that should see me through to monday.
maybe that'll buy me an evening of art?
i guess we'll know within 48 hours;
never quiet, never soft.....

Friday, April 21

SQUARES!!!

it's no big secret that i tattoo a lot.
i mean,
six days a week,
every week,
with very few exceptions,
for the last five years in a row,
plus thirteen years of regularly scheduled tattzappin' action before that.
i'm busy,
but i'm not crazy busy.
and while i tattoo a lot,
i'm not tattooing a lot of what i'd like to.
weird, right?
you'd almost wonder if i was even any good.
here's the thing-
when you do a ton of tattoos that you don't fall into one stylistic category,
you get the privilege of doing tons of tattoos that are really different.
up here, though,
where redneckery and the 'cult of the mom' are rampant,
that means doing a holy sh!t-ton of hunting and fishing tattoos,
and also a buttload of smallish kid-tribute birthstone-colored whatevers.
...i'm serious.
it's not terrible in the movie checks department...
-that marinara money don't come cheap, son-
but's it's hell on the self-esteem some days.
no, for real.
i'm not too good to do any ol' regular-A* tattoos.
no way.
i gave up on that inadvertently aggrandized ego sh!t long ago.
but,
it's still really just kind of nice to be appreciated for what i CAN do,
rather than just employed to do the doo-doo these dudes desire.
awwwwwwww.
that's probably why i bake so much stuff, neighbors.
all that self-directed creativity has to go somewhere, right?
i'll be the tattoo janitor for now-
cleaning up all the crap that comes in-
but i'm gonna keep on keepin' it real as the maestro in this kitchen, kid.
that's no joke.
-
it's also no big secret that i really like coconut.
i mean,
i use a lot of it in the stuff i make,
and then,
i eat a lot of whatever that happens to be.
uh-huh.
coconut is GOOD, dudes.
for real.
and i've got another 'nother set of treats that showcase it's super-sexxxiness.
i am getting more and more psyched on soft and spongy cakes, neighbors.
check the teleport:

GRAHAM FLOUR IS DELICIOUS!!!
and it's 1/3 of the overall mass in the middle of these stupendous squares.
YEAH!!
chocolate-frosted, dark chocolate ganache-drizzled, toasted coconut sprankled
tall blocks of sweet coconutty grahamtastical terrificness.
you do want to have some of these at your next party, people.
here's how to make that happen:
-
*
GRAHAM-COCONUT SQUARES!
-
preheat the oven to 360F.
grease and flour a 9" x 9" pan.
-
in a medium bowl, combine:
1 cup sugar (pref. coconut sugar, but whatever, man);
1 stick (8T) vegan butter;
3 T vegan creamchee';
1 tsp vanilla paste;
1/2 tsp salt;
-cream all that into one smooshed moosh,
and stir in:
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce;
-get that all muddy in the mix,
and add:
1 cup crushed coconut;
1 cup flour;
1 cup graham flour;
1/4 cup tapioca flour;
2 tsp bakey powder;
1 tsp bakey soda;
3/4 cup coconut milk (the carton kind, although the can stuff would probably rock, too)
mix it roughly, until all the ingredients are one cohesive batter-
spread it out evenly,
and bake it for 30 minutes.
cool it completely on a wire rack,
frost it with your own homemade chocolate goodness-
that tub'o'stuff at the supermarket is SO gross, buddy.
-
melt up some chocolate chips, coconut milk, and vanilla,
with a few spoonfuls of powdered sugar,
and when it's all soft and smooth and spreadable?
put it in a plastic baggie, with a small slice in one of the corners,
and drizzle that deep dopeness all over the F*ing place.
that's the stuff.
and DO NOT stop there.
no way.
rules is rules,.
y'gotta activate those toasted coconut sprankles, too!
on the ones-
too much is the right amount.
so don't go getting lazy in the homestretch.
just take a look at what you get once you slice it all up into squares:

C'MON!!!
and the'y're small, so they slide down s'smoooooooth!!
there's not a single generic tattoo idea, in a street shop studio,
in this remote mountain vale that can conquer my mood.
at least,
not after i take down a few of these babies.
and that's no joke.
it's all really happening, that's true,
but the treats are what really make most of it manageable.
i'm grateful for the privileges i have,
and for the opportunity not to stand in the rain, laboring manually,
for minimal gains, and fewer dollars.
i don't dispute that i'm lucky,
i'm just noting that i'm also cognizant of the limits of that good fortune.
cake squares, however, know NO limits, and that's the TRUTH.
*
....and there's a traffic situation.
yup.
all roads have been rerouted leading into town,
and that means the studio is largely getting bypassed by almost every car
headed northwards into the woodsly goodness.
awesome?
totally.
looking out at a ghost town street is a great mood-setter in-between appointments.
nothing says optimism like rainy days, sunless skies, and an empty road.
i guess we're getting a brand new bridge.
that'll make heading out of town a whole lot easier form here on out;
never quiet, never soft.....

Thursday, April 20

TILTY AF!!!!!

F* yeah!!!
i had company over for dinner.
three very different, very expert friend of mine,
in the same place, at the same time,
ready to get busy on some gut-busting belly-blasting shark gluttony.
they say that under normal circumstances,
dinner get-togethers aren't about life-changing meals,
but rather, the spanning of time with people we like.
i don't know what normal circumstances even ARE;
but under my roof, in my kitchen, with my peoples,
i demand the ingestible dopeness explode in every direction,
i insist the elite edible expertism evoke actual emotions, bro.
real talk.
live and direct to your brain, via your mouthpiece,
i'm trying to impress and express my gratitude and generosity,
my professional appreciation, and my good fortune, to all these good fellas.
word up.
and since my buddy beau is about to bounce out west for the season;
and my homeboy carlos has been out of the loop for a few weeks;
and dennis has been hooking the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress up
with allll the good stuff-
it was time to bring the mutha-'uckin' ruckus,
and pump up the volume,
and turn on the loudest, freshest, hard-styled hottness,
and take all of that to eleven.
yup.
what could possibly do all of those things,
and still look sexxxy while a group of dudes poked it with sticks?
c'mon, son-
y'know what time it is:
SUSHI VS SUSHI.
a.k.a. sushi rematch.
........
.
.
.
FIGHT!

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!
we out here gettin' TILTY, fools.
recognize....
dudes,
too much is the right amount.
i believe in that statement,
and i don't just stand by it-
i live it.
but, before i get into it-
let me begin with the few non-sushi items on appearing on the spread:
*
cucumber salad, with sugar snap peas, and scallions,
tossed in rice wine vinegar and sesame oil,
with toasted open-sesame sossamon seed sprankles!
that's a hell of an opener.
*
we had a pile of edamame with the coarse sea salt crystals, too.
damned right.
rules is rules, and those jauns are on the fixed menu, for sure.
*
now,
let's get into the big action.
neighbors,
we beat up ten expert extra-large next-level rolls,
plus five styles of maki.
with three sauces, horseradish, and tamari.....
let me begin with my personal favorite,
and by no coincidence, my own custom creation,
taken up a whole other 'nother notch this time,
with the addition of a smoooooooth matcha mayo SAUCE!
teleport:

THE GREEN ROLL!!!!!!!
bamboo rice is F*ing terrific, and the taste is outstanding.
it already has a jasmine green tea undernote,
so topping it with the subtlety of matcha?
that's twin towers of tremendous attacking your tastebuds!
and when they hit you?
you win!
inside, there's asparagus, spinach, scallion,
cucumber, avocado, pea shoots, and cilantro,
and when you give it a squeeze of lime, too, kid??
what-whaaaaaaat??!!?!??!!
.............flawless victory.
*
next up-
a whole other 'nother new version of vegan sorcery.
i wasn't sure it would work,
but i was sure as heck determined to try anyway:
RADICAL TAPIOCA PEARL VEGAN ROE, BRO!!!!
yuuuuuuuuuuuup.
a spoonful of pearls, with turmeric and paprika and salt, in a half a cup of boiling water,
simmered and stirred for thirty or so minutes, until they were plump, and clear,
and dyed an aquatic eggy color....
guys,
c'mon.
a quick rinse, and a little spoon, and you get this:

YOU CAN'T PLAY WITH MY ROE-ROE!
RO'-RO', DON'T TRY TO PLAY ME OUT!!!
wordimus prime.
how well does it accentuate that spicy radish magic?
they're pretty much best friends, kid.
mmmmmmmm.
-
*
that's a roasted red, white, and blue potato roll,
with creamchee', and spinach, next to it.
topped by our house-blend smoked-paprika turmeric SAUCE!
*
the beet-dyed red one with the sossamon sesame spranks to the left
is, unsurprisingly, also another boomfire banger in these streets-
sweet potato, carrot, radish, and crushed sesame seed/cornstarch tempura tofu!
that's right.
*
tofu sticks are so good in sushi.
these jauns aren't playing around, either-
tamari and sesame oil and starch and seedflour make for an oh-so-tight skin.
i baked them, but they still got puffed-up like on the fry-up.
there's no measuring this stuff,
y'just toss 'em all together, and throw whatever you end up with in the oven at 400F,
until it looks done to you.
there's no right answer, so you cant eff it up.
that's awesome!
*
we had some classic-ish rolls, too, of course-
-asparagus, avocado, cucumber, pea shoots.
-inside-out, sweet potato, carrot, pea shoot, cucumber, with seeds and microgreens.
-heartbeet-root-tinted carrot, radish, avocado, tofu, and cucumber.
-MORE pink magic, with scallion, pea shoots, cucumber, and carrot.
...and there was sriracha mayo for some, and that smoky orange sorcery for others.
i mean,
really, the rolls decide what they need for themselves, really.
i just put the activation to 'em,
after they let me know what's required.
...is that crazy?
crazy TASTY, maybe.
ha!!
*
and last up for the rolls?
teriyaki tempeh, with purple potato, carrot, and radish-
thin strips of multigrain tempeh, seared in sesame oil,
splashed with a few tablespoons of water,
and activated with a healthy glug of teriyaki SAUCE.
yup.
all the sesame, sugar, agave, ginger, garlic, GPOP, and soy,
soaked right into each slab!
expert?
you'd have to have it to believe it, but once you have it,
you'll never be the same.
*
and you KNOW you like the end roll blossom forest.
how could you not?
look, man:

it's like they're erupting with deliciousness.
that means more food than the roll can hold,
and that means we're doing it right.
-
however,
i'll bet your eye is being pulled away towards those ro'ro'-topped maki-rocking bloxxx.
how could you not be psyched on that much awesome in one bite?
roasted sweet potato, baked tofu triangles, spranks, and that salty roe'pioca!!!!
GET ON MY LEVEL!!!
*
and the maki didn't stop there.
no way.
what do you think i am?
lazy?
unimaginative?
weak?
c'mon.
too much is all there is.
and too much is all there can ever be.
check the teleport one more time, please:

WORD!
dudes,
i even made every roll especially fat in anticipation of extra guests.
i'm not trying to let anybody leave in any condition other than full.
red ones for beau and carlos, with avocado and pea shoots, and baked 'fu-
that sweet potato one, with the 'fu and the beet and the blop of SAUCE?
that was the dennis'  first-timer's treat.
above those, tho-
-microgreen, parsnip, and teriyaki tempeh! S'DOPE!
-and beet, radish, carrot, sriracha! S'EARTHY!
all the food, all the friends, all the awesome.
it all unfolded in perfect synchronicity.
i had a great time,
and if nothing else,
i feel as though i provided a meal worthy of a saga.
hahaha.
for realsies, tho-
good food, better people, and crabtree.
always with crabtree.
he LOVES people so much, and i love that about him.
everybody got along great,
everybody ate well,
everybody was a part of it,
that's the best.
i am so grateful for the time i have been given.
no jokes.
the overlaps of spanned time and occupied space
that we share with worth-a-sh!t active participants
are what makes bright spots in dark days an' that.
this is it.
heroic SUSHI vs SUSHI rematch armageddon.
the winner?
SUSHI.
duh;
never quiet, never soft.....

Wednesday, April 19

DE LUJO!!!!

aloha, dudes!
yesterday,
crabtree got luxuriously lavished with attention all afternoon
from our good friend patti.
and that lucky little four-legged fireball loved every last second of it.
in fact,
it was SO good for him,
that it was in turn SO good for me.
yup.
he was just about the best behaved little buddy all evening as a result.
he needs an outlet for all of his impressive, expressive, explosive energy,
and since he isn't much of a cook, i can't really have him help me in the kitchen.
he is a snuggler, and a curious investigator, and a total clown-
so having somebody to hang out with during the day lets him burn off all that energy,
so that he's the sleepiest little stoopidhead all night.
.....and that is awesome news for both of us.
yep.
i appreciated it, 
he appreciated it, 
and hopefully she had fun with his sharky allgator-bullet-head, too.
-
it was awesome to have a languid little torporous torpedo keeping watch over me
while i wild'd out on some TACO TUESDAY sh!t. 
normally, the prep is punctuated by his prancing dancing distractions,
but he hung tight, 
and laid back to enjoy the spectacle of my majestic mess-making mealtime methods.
heck yes.
even though he was super good,
he still had dumb dog food.
and even though i'm noticing some expansion around the edges of my silhouette,
i still had two types of tremendous tacos, in triplicate, like a mutha-F*ing monster.
too much is the right amount, man.
get on my level. 
and while you're at it, check the teleport:
IF YOU DON'T GET BUSY WITH TACOS, YOUR SAUCE IS BULLSH!T!!
real talk.
don't come at me with crunchy tacos.
don't play around with just add water seasoning mix.
get rad with it.
add the fire and explosions to it.
create something custom, unique, individual, and expert.
c'mon, neighbors.
we all deserve especially sexxxy tacos.
i mean, really,
who decided that box mix doo-do butter should be the sad standard?
and why would you listen to them?
let's do the thing like we mean it, ok?
ok.
toasted soft flour flaps of foldable fire for my face.
that's how it starts.
from there, anything could happen.
in this case?
i got it poppin' off  with three servings of three sisters tacos, bros!!
wooooooooord.
blackened butternut squash, with cayenne, black pepper, and smoked paprika,
in olive oil, with poblano peppers, and caramelized onions.
that's one sister.
the other two?
chipotle dusted, pepper-crusted sweet corn and black beans.
s'dope.
served up on baby green leaf lettuce, with juicy little tomatoes,
with big sprigs of cilantro,
and a drizzle of cashew sour crema,
finished with a sprouty splash of microgreenery!
drool level: eleven.
-
after that, 
i had a few MORE plans for bigger and better activation on my plate,
and i made sure that what followed was just as juicy.
which is why i also terrorized a saucy splat of tempeh chili tacos, too! 
half a block of tempeh, with a quarter of a sweet onion, sauteed in oil,
with 1/4 cup of diced tomato, 2 T minced jalapeno, 2 T minced poblano,
cumin, oregano, thyme, paprika, cayenne, coriander, GPOP, and nootch-
all of that, sweated and wet, and sizzling, smelled super elite.
but, when i added in 3 T crushed tomatoes,
and 1/2 cup broth?
it soaked it all up, 
and quickly thickened, 
and got all sorts of super-sloppy-jose on me.
s'delish!
with pea shoots, and radishes, and purple cabbage, and crispy little cucumber slices,
the crunch game offset the smoosh game in harmonious balance.
a few red onion sprankles, a couple pickled jalapeno rings, 
and a drizz' of that crema had me hollerin' out loud to crabby.
he didn't really care, but i kept right on yelling.
sometimes,
the tacos are too good, and you've gotta add a big yell to the finale,
lest you cheat yourself out of the full experience/.
and the fullest of fullness is what i was aiming for.
-
guys,
was i scoopling rice and guac into my tacos, too?
of course i was.
rules is rules, and if there's MORE treats, y'gotta use 'em up.
if you're a frequent reader on here,
you already know how expert the rainbow fiesta guacamole is.
however, if this is your first time?
please allow me elaborate:
-
*
RAINBOW FIESTA GUACAMOLE!!
-
3 avocados;
3 T each sweet red, orange, and yellow baby bell peppers, minced;
1/2 jalapeno, minced;
2 T poblano- you guessed it- minced;
a dash of minced red chili, or 1/4 tsp cayenne;
a generous grabhand of chopped cilantro;
1 T finely chopped scallion;
2 cloves crushed raw garlic;
1/4 cup diced red onion;
salt and fresh-cracked coarse black pepper; 
Garlic Powder, Onion Powder;
lime AND lemon juice-
^^ mash up and combine all of that, 
squeeze a little more  lemon and lime on top,
drop the pits back in for preservation pruposes, cover it, 
and let it hang out for half a day to maxxximize the marrying 
of all that mystical masterful flavor!!!
WU-TANG!
-
...and there's also a little forbidden black rice, with yellow hot pepper, 
scallions, cilantro, and lime juice-
rice is good.
black rice is very good.
and MORE food is definitely my favorite food.
anybody could have a lame taco experience.
that's easy.
the thing is, it's just as easy to have a righteous one.
i'm choosing that path on the daily.
righteous, radical real foods, for my face,
without box mix or brutality on my plates?
that's what's up.
*
today is the day.
my day off.
oh, 
don't worry- it isn't very warm.
it is likely to be rainy.
and i haven't got any idea about what i feel like making.
jeez.
the dog still needs a walk, so we'll start there,.
and see where those roads take us.
after that?
well,
it's never too early to start planning a monumental dinner.
that's real.
so,
i'll be plotting while we're plodding,
and he'll be playing and pooping.
that's a pretty good deal.
if you happen to see us on the road?
maybe you should stop and say hello.
we just might like that;
never quiet, never soft.....

Tuesday, April 18

BABY BLUES!!!

dudes!
some mondays are better than others.
heck,
some girls mothers are bigger than other girls mothers....
shoutouts to morissey
if you know, you know, y'know?
no?
well,
the moms aren't important,
but the rest of the day was a good one.
i had bread baking early in the a.m.,
and while the oven was hot,
i also fired up a big batch of baby-sized scones-
crabtree and i went for a rapid walk through the sunny streets 
and along the raging waterways of our neighborhood,
and,
i tattooed the homie beau's off-hand with some jormundgandr activation,
what?
oh.
that's the midgard serpent, son.
he left with a smile and a fat hoof where his left hand was earlier in the day.
our friend dennis came through with some bamboo rice,
so wendesday may just see a sushi rematch on the menu.
shoutouts to the green roll,
with a matcha-wasabi mayo this time perhaps?
we'll see.
but,
back to what made the day so delightful-
i think it was the scones, honestly.
i do,
i used less flour, and more fruit,
and the combination made a batch of biscuits so moist and juicy,
so flaky and fresh,
they had my face feeling very ambitious.
hmm?
how ambitious?
well,
i tuned up a whole handful fast-as-you-like,
and throughout the day,
i confidently indulged in a few more for good measure.
you know how it is:
too much is the right amount.
neighbors,
i was so flushed with the rush of victorious daily doings,
i even did some sketching for future projects after supper.
thank goodness for blueberry scones!
haha.
i'm assuming it was the deliciousness and the antioxidant healthful hottness
of my fresh-baked morning endeavors that made the whole rest of the day
a fulfilling and fortuitous overlap of spirit and memory and community. 
honestly,
if you see them, i think you'll agree-
check the bloobs-on-bloobs-type teleport:
SCONELETTES!!!!
s'kyooooooooooot.
and look closer, so you can see just what i mean:
damn, kids-
that juicy bloob action is off the charts.
and the buttery-soft sorta sweet crumb has got what you want-
flakes, cakes, and tenderoni crumbles.
expert!!!
a half a teaspooon of crushed freeze-dried blueberries,
a quarter cup of powdered sugar, a few drops of vanilla, and a splash of soymilk,
just to make all of that a spreadably squeezable syrup,
had the drizzle game going to eleven, for sure.
mmmmm.
and that over kapowdered sugary sprankles?
obv.
there's no point in making them lame, bro.
c'mon.
don't be dumb.
i want you to make these.
i hope you make these.
i want to eat some if you do.
yum.
do it like this:
-
*
SCONELETTES!
-
preheat your oven to 410F.
-
combine 1 stick vegan butts;
1/2 cup raw sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp vanilla bean paste; (sub. 1 more tsp vanilla x)
3 T vegan creamchee;
-
add 1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce;
3 cups a.p. flour;
2 tsp bakey kapowder;
1 tsp bakey soda;
1/4 cup tapioca;
1+ cups wild blueberries (the small awesome ones);
3/4 cup non-dairy milk + 2 tsp lemon juice...
add it up,
mix it up,
and fold it over and turn it and fold it again, and again, and again, over and over,
until it's all one soft, not-too-wet dough.
on a well-floured work surface,
press the whole ball of doughy dopeness down to about >1" thick,
and cut out some circles.
heck, cut triangles, or hearts, or whatever.
i made 'em round, but you do you.
i'm not your boss.
anyway,
i got 22 3" jauns out of the batch.
with three reformations of the scrap completing the mission
with nearly no waste.
nice.
i fit all of that on one baking tray,
and froze it for eight minutes....
(i had something else in the oven and it needed that much longer)
-
they get baked for twenty minutes,
during which the purple haze, the blue monday, 
and the greenification of the flour all unfolded from those juicy berries.
i didn't mind,
and you won't either.
they're flaky from all the butter and folding;
they're soft and springy, 
because there's a billion pounds of bloobs steaming around inside;
they're not too sweet, even with all that icing on top;
and they're smooth, dudes.
plus, this thing i've been doing, where i make things smaller?
i eat more, but i eat the same.
i don't hate that.
and of course, 
i brought them with me to work,.
to share with whoever showed up.
attendance is the first step towards activation, man.
of you're not around, you'll never get any treats.
nope.
rules is rules,
and one more is that i deliver on flavor, but i don't do deliveries.
you're all welcome to a bite of everything,
but if it isn't worth a visit?
well,
then you can't have any.
-
i'm grateful for good days.
i'm especially grateful for the few friends that come around.
they're good ones, 
and i know how lucky i am to have them around;
never quiet, never soft.....

WET LEAVES!!!

making art.
taking walks.
going for rides.
exercising.
writing,
reading.
baking.
lately,
it's ALL really happening,
and more of all it than usual, as a matter of fact.
so,
where the heck did all that expert time management come from??
...salads.
that's right.
it comes from salads.
yup.
ha.
what?
yeah, 
yeah,
i eat salad mutha-F*ers.
word to wet leaves, they're delicious.
dudes,
making a salad takes, at most, about five minutes.
and it's got nutrients and sh!t.
and it's crawnchy.
and it's helpful.
how?
well, i've maybe been eating a little MORE than my fair share,
and as i spent two weeks being weak in the exercise department,
i've noticed a few changes that aren't super-sexxxy around the ol' wasitline.
hence,
salads.
minimal oil,
maxxximum green stuff,
a few sweetened seeds, sprouts, whatever's around.
salad, man.
that's not normally my thing.
but,
i guess i'm making it my thing.
check the teleport:
SALAD.
SALAD.
SALAD.
yeah!!
do you know how to make salad?
if the answer is no, you are the worst.
hahahah.
c'mon.
dudes!
i'm reppin' some healthful replacement meals.
i mean,
overdoing it is awesome,
unless you end up all fat and blarpity.
that's when you've got to overindulge in better stuff.
overdosing on lettuce?
yeah, good luck with that.
good food does good things,
but big batches of big treats every day do other other things, too.
it's all fun until someone ends up lookin' lazy and sloppy.
-
hey, kids,
there's no shame in eating a gigantic salad sometimes.
i mean,
i don't want a small meal,
i just don't want a huge life-preserver of human flash around my navel.
yuck.
now,
if you're big, and you like being big, then be big.
that's your business.
over here tho, where i'm at?
i look weird being skinny-fat, and i all-too-vovodly remember when i was.
never again.
nope.
i can't go backwards.
it felt bad, and it looked worse,
and i'm not about that life at ALL.
look, 
i can appreciate the thickness.
heck, 
i may just run up on some exxxtra-large cheeks for weeks.
i'm no size-ist,
and while i'm definitely guilty of body-shaming the sloppiest jalopies on the lot,
that's way more about effort than circumference.
real talk.
i've got big love for big girls,
and i've got high-fives for barrel-bodied bros-
but i just can't hang out with sh!t-heap messes.
on the ones,
presentation counts.
see those salads?
presentation.
it counts.
awwwww.
sorry, everybody.
but i never said i wasn't shallow.
*
i'm bringing my ensalada gigante game up strong.
and i'm taking the mix-in's and add-ons to eleven.
i want the big deluxxxe.
i want all the lettuce.
i want MORE of all of it.
and the best part?
you can eat a LOT of salad before you're full.
too much is the right amount, neighbors;
never quiet, never soft.....

Monday, April 17

MINI-DONUTS!!!

easter came and went,
with minimal contact with the outside world.
yeah,
i bumped into a few other dog walkin' weekenders on the roadways
of this woodsly neighborhood,
and beau jogged by on his way to enhanced physical stamina,
but mostly,
it was crabtree and i.
that terrible terrier, who i also believe may be an atheist,
as i implored him, for the love of god,
not to be such a feisty F*ing battlehammer barbarian all freakin' day...
but he was unmoved.
so i had a hard-styled day, in hot weather, with a wearisome and warlike
bull-headed shark-bullet,
wherein i made the most of my surprise day-off times,
although, it turned out that time had other ideas-
yup.
the dog and i did what we do,
and that included operating at high speed and high intensity at high volume,
but, for all the loud, fresh, hardness for our faces that the day contained,
the highlight happened pretty early, and remained unsurpassed all afternoon.
uh-huh.
guys,
just because i got a pair of new small-circle dozen-of-donut pans,
i took full advantage,
in total all-out too much is the right amount fashion.
how many donuts?
ALL the donuts!
seriously-
check the basically-circle-muffins-type teleport:

HOLY EASTER SUNDAY HOLES!!!
friends,
i made five dozen miniature cake donuts.
five DOZEN.
wordimus prime-
that's sixty mutha-flippin' rings of nutmeg and vanilla and butter and sugar.
mmmmmmm.
half were o.g. cakes,
and the other half had cocoa stirred in,
for a fair and equal share of chocolate cakey bake-ups.
dudes!
^^^^look at 'em!
 that's powdered sugary agave-accented 'honey'-glaze on some.
and melted dark chocolate ganache on others.
strawberry powder icing and blueberry powder icing both showed up, too.
and powdered sugar.
and stripes of everything,
and sprankles.
always sprankles.
rules is rules.
and you know i had some easter-grass-and-egg-styled jauns.
site-specificity and seasonal propriety are always on the menu,
even during the holidays i don't go all-the-way-crazy for...
because i still go all-the-way-crazy for DONUTS!
the downside?
they're cake donuts.
baked ones.
so the smooth fried fluff of the vastly-superior yeast-risen ones
was noticeably not present in these heavy d's.
also, i s'pose you need a donut pan to make 'em, too.
i figured a single batch of the recommended recipe makes around a couple dozen,
(more like a couple and a half)
so i got two of 'em, so i wouldn't have to wait...
i even used the recipe on the cardboard they were packed in!
i did!!
well,
i veganized it,
and modified it to suit my needs,
but, still-
also,
i was already fresstyling it by the second batch, with the chocolate an' that.
you wanna make 'em?
suit yourself.
-
*
minidonutdoodoos!
-
1 1/2 cup flour;
1 tsp bakey pow 1/2 tsp bakey soda;
1/2 cup sugar;
1/4 tsp salt;
4 T melted butts;
1 tsp vanilla;
1/2 cup non-dairy milk;
1 T egg replacer + 3 T HOT water;
nutmeg;
4 T cocoa (optional)
that's it, dudes.
all the dry, plus the butterish,
followed by milkish and egglessness,
and that vanilla.
spread it around and bake it at 350F for 12 minutes,
in that slippery donut pan,
and you've got sloppy muffiny cake bombs.
-
man, i'm sure glad i got two of these pans to likely never-ever use again!
awwwwwwww.
here's the thing, tho, kids-
they're small, so they go down quick, and smooth,
and you can eat a LOT before you even notice how many have transmuted themselves
into low self-esteem and bellyaches within your body!
yikes!!!
also,
i couldn't NOT try one of each style.
i mean, what am i?
an A*-hole?
c'mon.
and so it goes.
more of everything all the time.
*
i wasted time yesterday.
no.
not on purpose.
by accident.
a minor maladjustment ruined hours of work.
ugh.
yeah.
i sculpted a few heads, for the first time in months,
in anticipation of making something new and exciting.
yeah.
sylvan wodengeists are kind of my thing.
that's woodsly goodsly forest spirits, bro.
and the ones i just made were poised to become something worth a damn.
check the pre-bake-type teleport:

right?
but,
there's a catch.
-there always is-
the polymer clay i used shouldn't be cured-up with gas heat,
not is it recommended for use in your everyday oven,
as it gives off toxic fumes.......
so instead i used my purpose-purchased toaster oven,
but,
the size of the models was a bit off,
and the distance between heater coil and face was reduced by an inch.
which, in turn, pretty much amped up the smoky plastic toxin attack to eleven,
whilst simultaneously scorching the sh!t out of half of each face.
F*ing hell, dudes.
this is what happens......when you suck:

womp womp.
looks like these guys are getting the big paint treatment.
it's the only proven method of uncrapulating blackened crap like that.
dang.
if i'd have known that,
i'd only have used one color clay for everything,
instead of blending tones like a jerk all afternoon.
of course, if i'd known i'd F* it up,
i'd probably just NOT have done so.
and now it's down to this.
finding MORE hours to maybe make these minis into something magical,
all over again.
i could start over.
that's true.
certainly, the next time a few spare hours just pops up out of nowhere,
i just might do.
in the meantime,
i'm over here wondering what kind of nail polish can make those pearly teeth
look pearly all over again.
these are the thoughts that occupy my time away from the stove or my tattoo station.
it's all really happening,
or mishappening, as the case may be;
never quiet, never soft.....