they're basically good no matter how you make 'em.
and if you've got expert potato makin' skills,
they can be a transcendent force for good in the world...
..or at least a righteous ingredient in a real level-eleven vegan poutine!
vegan poutine is not a new thing. you can get it at a few places, somewhere-
not around here,
but in areas where veganism and information are slightly more celebrated
right now, in the woodsly goodness,
an unbelievable spiced-chip boomfire bowl of heroic hottness
has arrived to take your potato experiences to a whole other 'nother new level.
gluten-free vegan muh-fuhh'n poo-teen, bruh.
the fries are expert.
the curds are expert.
the savory brown gravy? ummmm.... expert!
all the things were F*ing amazing,
and when they joined forces i almost died of delight.
the weather was fading to a rainy black bummery downpour scene,
(although the temperature was warm for once)
so i was racing the light.
natural light can't be accounted for by the o'clock-
not when the weather is being april a whole month later, y'know?
all the elements converged right before the skies opened up.
check the teleport:
damn that's doooope.
i know y'all can see how that chee' be lookin'.
fresh to death, for sure.
and you already know about those well-seasoned supersexxxy russet fries.
well, you will in a minute.
and the gravy?
look, neighbors- a great gravy is the make-or-break with this meal.
f'really-realsies, you better miss me with that watery weak sauce.
i want hearty, thick, deep, dark, dope barbarian blood on top-
so long as it's made out of vegetables, obvi.
so what's the path to satisfaction?
but what's the path to satisfying poutine?
it starts with the spuds, buds...
slice three fat skin on russet potatoes into thick strips.
you can use other potatoes, obvi. i just had a big bag of russets to work with.
add 'em to a medium sized mixin' bowl along with:
1 T olive oil;
1/4 tsp turmeric;
1/4 tsp smoked paprika;
1/4 tsp paprika;
1/4 tsp Garlic Powder;
1/4 tsp Onion Powder;
a little pink salt, a lotta black pepper,
and dash or two of cayenne, and also one or two shakes of ground sage.
toss 'em until the're all coated with herby spice,
and arrange them on a foil-lined baking sheet,
and fire them into the oven, which you can simultaneously begin heating up to 450℉.
they'll slowly roast while it gets hot.
and you can tell they're done when they start to get crisssp at the tips.
you make 'em however you like 'em-
i like mine with that golden brown skin, and not just because of the turmeric.
good potatoes are the foundation from which all poutine begins.
the next item is the chee'.
i'm always a little suspicious of curd blops when they're vegan.
they don't always have it goin' on.
however, there's a lotta recipes for cashew chee' on the internet.
i looked at all of 'em, and then i combined my favorite bits into one.
in a high-powered ninja/bullet/whatever blender,
add 1/2 cup raw cashews;
1/2 cup boiling water;
1 T nutritional yeast;
1/4 tsp sea salt all together,
and give 'em a minute with those superfast spinning blades to emulsify.
to that pureed pulp, add:
2 T tapioca flour;
2 T unsweetened coconut yogurt;
1 T lemon juice;
1/4 tsp ea GPOP;
and more salt, probably.
another minute with that whirling rotor, and you should have a thick, creamy,
melted milkshake mixture ready to go.
add it to a small pot, on high heat, and stir it around until it sets.
it's thicker, sticky, and stretchy, but definitely firm as well.
that makes it easy to spoon hunks of stretchy, squishy chee' into the 'tatoes.
guys, this blend is really effin' good.
and they aren't too much of any one texture or taste.
i'm pleased, for sure, and i'll be making this again, and again.
all that's left is the gravy,
and without the gravy, you ain't sh!t, bruh.
the make-or-break big action activation is right here.
GARGANTUAN GRAVY GOODNESS!
in a 1 quart saucepot, with a fat pat of butter, on medium-high heat saute':
1/4 red onion, chopped;
1 medium carrot, chopped;
1 stalk celery, in 1" chunks;
1 bunch green onion bulbs;
1 T nootch (nutritional yeast);
1/2 tsp GPOP;
dried sage and thyme;
1 T dried shallots;
1 tsp trader joes umami mushroom powder;
a dash of pink salt, and a lot of black pepper.
cook that down until it begins to caramelize,
1 T malt vinegar;
2 T tamari.
toss all that, and let it reduce over medium-low heat, for five to ten minutes,
or until it gets a bit syrupy.
add 2 cups vegetable broth, and bring it up to a boil,
the simmer it on medium for fifteen minutes or so.
longer is good.
my oven is tired, and slow, so while it was taking it's time roasting those potatoes,
the gravy was cookin'.
have y'all ever made a slurry?
it's simple, take a ladle full of this soupy stuff, and pour it into a small container.
add 1 1/2 T organic non-GMO cornstarch,
whisk it all up to remove any lumps, and pour it back into the pot.
that's gonna make this into a rich, luscious, viciously viscous gray-vee, boi.
now, drain the chunky veg out, over a second pot.
it's a transfer, y'feel me?
all the wet goes in one, and all the used-up fiber gets trapped in a sieve.
toss that stuff, or compost it, or whatever,
but put the liquid back on the stove to thicken up.
i tasted it, add a touch more thyme and sage, and just a splash of tamari,
but otherwise let it reduce a bit, until it had the perfect chocolate-sauce consistency.
i told you at the top: expert.
yeah. that's right.
potatoes are for happiness.
there's an old up-here poutine-region saying:
'potatoes three times a day makes a man happy'.
maybe i didn't dole out the doses correctly-
i had three potatoes, all a once.
i can't say i'm especially happy,
but that's also a lotta pressure to put on a root, so i guess that's fair.
well, parsley and green onion sprankles ARE mandatory.
rules is rules,
and that much beige rage wasn't gonna cut it.
a little exxxtra garnish is always a good idea.
if we just keep a very narrow field of vision,
things are lookin' good.
the peripherals tell a whole other story,
but the potatoes are gorgeous;
never quiet, never soft.....