Wednesday, October 18


taco tuesday?
that's never been a problem, dudes.
soft flour tortillas are always on hand, in abundance,
in case a taco party ever seems on the verge of breaking out....
y'gotta be prepared, y'know?
that's real.
the best part about soft flour jauns is that they always seem
to have the ability to stretch a little bit, and fit MORE taco in the same space.
that's expert.
after all, too much is the right amount,
especially if we're talking about taco time.
so, when tuesday shows up, and the motivation strikes,
and the tortillas are just begging to get pan-toasted,
i think it's only right that you give 'em what they want.
check the teleport:

you KNOW i eff with that exxtra-heavy.
first things first,
you should always get your mise en place in full effect.
that's just efficient use of time and space, man.
lettuce, purple cabbage, spinach.....we GOT they!
sprouts, red and gold quartered grape tomatoes....we GOT they, too!
purple carrot, red and gold sweet baby bell peppers/.....all they, GOTTI!!
scallion and cilantro sprankles?
c'mon, neighbors-
i'm not some bush-league A*-hole.
i doo-doo that freaky sh!t like i'm deadly serious about tacos.
......because i AM.
custom ho'sauces, courtesy of y'boi nate?
i love a good accent sauce, but i adore TWO good accent sauces.
after all, MORE is where we're headed at all times.
were you doubting?
uncool, fool-
what did you think, this sh!t was a game?!
no way, josé,:
this is real taco real life, and i'm about that life, b.
the quik-mix-pix were fire af, too.
in a small saicepot, i had:
2 sliced radishes;
one sliced medium peeled carrot;
2 cloves' worth of sliced garlic;
2 sliced hot green chilis;
1/4 diced sweet onion;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp sugar;
barely covered by 1 cup cider vinegar;
brought to a boil, until the peppers go olive-hued, and allowed to cool a bit
before separating the brine from the veg,
(which were recombined to store the remainders, of course)
and i do like it when the pickled hot is present for tuesday festivities.
good flavors should be celebrated, and i do that always.
chipotle curried cauliflower??
mostly, it's florets blasted with heavy spices, a little water, and a lidded pan.
although, there is also a heavy dose of ho'sauce, and a little onion there, as well-
olive oil and 1/4 head chopped cauli-babies-
three shakes of dried oregano;
3 shakes of mirchi spice (look it up, it's rad)
5 shakes of chipotle composite blend (cumin, smoked paprika, chipotle, sugar)
2 shakes regular-A* paprika;
2 T texas pete ho'sauce;
3 T water, for when the whole thing gets covered to steam for five minutes.
easy as heck, and twice as tasty as heck, too.
baby black bean burglets!
the recipe is here.
only, smaller, and cuter,
and definitely invited back for another round of tuesday festivities.
there's no point is cheating yourself out of something great.
i don't know why anybody ever does that, either.
on the ones,
y'can't expect to BE great if you aren't attempting greatness.
that means no box mix,
it means no two-topping turd tacos,
and it definitely means no skimping out on the quantity,
the quality,
or the questing for besting your previous efforts.
there's only you and expertism,
and everything else in between is just peripheral irrelevance.
it's never just tacos, man.
it's some hemmingway sh!t.
you start slackin' on tacos,
and the next thing you know,
the sea has overtaken you,
the bull has fought you to your last,
and all the women in your life have terrified you
into objectified typecasting them all as liliths, man.
do yourself a favor-
make sure you take your taco game to eleven.
no good has ever come from weak sauce and hard shells;
never quiet, never soft.....


the scone zone has never been my most popular internet subject.
that's real.
it's long been a place where i stuff my face with the most enjoyable jauns
to come from out of the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress test kitchen laboratory. joke.
i'm a sucker for a scone, neighbors.
they're just so dang great i can't resist tuning up a few right out of the gates.
i mean,
the have all the right moves-
buttery, kinda.
flaky, for sure.
burly and hearty and heartfelt like true stories and folk songs.
salty in an understated way.
i mean, they're dryish and biscuity, but still softish and cakey.
i dunno, man.
a good scone is a work of art,
and too many places make shtheap slopblops instead of true scone hottness.
i'm over here taking back scones for the professional appreciators of breakfast magnificence.
and it's october, so you know what that means, right/
rules is rules,
and the rules call for pumpkin to make numerous guest appearances throughout the month.
i know what's up, and i do what's right.
check the teleport:

oh, yeah!
whole grain goodness is in full effect.
i got wheat germ, spelt flour, whole rolled oats, the works!!
and i know you might wanna make some, so i'll let ou know how right NOW-
preheat yo' oven to 410℉
in a medium-sized mixing bowl cut in the dry and the fat together as follows:
1 stick + 2T vegan butterish; (that's 10 T if you're sourcing it from a tub)
3 T raw sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
3 T vegan creamchee';
2 cups flour;
1 fat handful oatmeal;
1/2 cup spelt;
3 T wheat germ;
1 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
3 T tapioca flour.
once combined, add in:
cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice, and cloves;
1 cup pumpkin puree;
1/2 cup chopped pecans;
1/2 cup hulled pumpkin seeds;
and 2 T maple syrup.
turn, and fold, and turn, and fold, and flip, and turn and fold etc,
until the wet and the dryish are one multilayered cohesive mass.
turn it out onto a floured surface,
divide in half, press both halves into rounds, and cut into equal-sized sixths.
add a bit of raw sugary sprankles,
and a pecan for accentuation of the infinite cuteness,
and bake those bad boys, spread out on a cookie sheet,
for twenty minutes.
when they've cooled for about ten-fifteen minutes,
y'GOTTA give 'em some glaze.
i mean, yeah, they're good as is,
but too much is the right amount, bro.
y'can't come through this spot and not overindulge in super-ultra MOREism, y'feel me?
it's sort of just how things get done around here.
1/2 cup powdered sugar;
a few drops maple extract;
a few more drops vanilla;
a shake of cinnamon;
and a splish of non-dairy milk, stirred into a sticky-sweet gel,
and dumped into a plastic baggie with the corner cut off,
and boom. just like that, you're ready to get all icy-spiced and nicey-niced.
i like a good stripe-up of exxxtra sweetness,
despite the fact that i'm already pretty flippin' sweet.
time is running out.
that's real.
the hardest part about multitasking every aspect of my day is that by nine p.m.,
i'm really tired.
that doesn't mean i'm done, it just means i'm not as awesome as i was at noon, for sure.
and attempts at being creative once you're bled the juices from your brain
throughout the day means getting frustrated and disappointed with what happens at night.
it's NOT easy,
but it is what i signed up for.
when the objective is to always have MORE,
i think it's equally important to make sure you also eff with quality pretty heavy, duders.
it's dope to have MORE,
but it's expert to have BETTER.
wordimus prime.
two-parters are my favorite,
so i guess i'm elbows deep in favoritism at the moment.
now, if only either part was completed more often.....
never quiet, never soft.....


beau is back!
ian came and got tattooed!
nate almost died of broken lungs!
that's all kind of big news...
i mean, seriously, though.
that's a whole mess of handsome fellas in one spot.
in various states of undress and distress, bgut still-
AMPERSAND TATTOO was a hotbed of rugged good looks yesterday,
and luckily,
there were at least a couple of little ladies there to bear witness
to that nexus of raw masculinity.
it might've gotten put to poor use, indeed.
it's not often i've got three friends in one place-
in fact,
at one point, my homeboy thatcher came through with a bushel of apples,
which only added to the turbo elite hottness of the day.
i had a goodish day with all my good peoples.
and that almost made up for other aspects of the day.
like, nate trying to collapse his lungs,
and my tattoo giveaway prizewinner client coming through with the no-tip,
no-praise, free tatzap wrap-and-run....
no good deed goes unpunished, kids.
remember that.
i ended the day on a positive.
pee eye zee zee ayy.
a.k.a. the best part.
a.k.a. the big action.
a.k.a. my favorite.
check the teleport:

i like my pizzas full of toppings,
and i like my toppings to really span the spectrum of flavors and textures.
for real.
homemade red lentil seitan sausages are dope.
broccoli is really dope.
tomatoes are good, maybe not dope, per se, but still, i like 'em.
caramelized onions are turbo-dope.
spinach is popeye-style dopeness, which is a throwback to my first crush, olive oyl.
real talk.
and those fried garlic sprankles?
they are mandatory, man.
rules is rules.
crushed tomato sauce and daiya mozzarella and semi-semolina crust all work in sync
to create a punctuation mark on my mealtime menu.
i love pizza, kids.
i won't ever say otherwise, because that'd be a lie,
and truth tellers don't ever stop doing what they do-
i write a lot, and i eat a lot of pizza.
that's my thing.
and these days,
i've got more good guys around than usual,
and i sure am grateful for the time we span alongside each other.
if i might make a suggestion?
perhaps you should stop by, if that's your thing.
but, only if you're handsome.
there's only room for one old, ugly busted barbarian,
and i'm kind of already there, soooooo,
you'll hae to find another doorway to darken.
i'm looking for illuminators, bro.
no dimbulbs need apply.
that's elitist.
i know.
that's sort of the point.
now, where's my smarty-pants-wearin' smart-A*s at?
there's room for you at the spot,
we'll just move a bushel of apples out of the way;
never quiet, never soft.....

Monday, October 16


when you've got a big day ahead of you,
you need a big breakfast to power your pants,
and catapult your butt into the future.
that's a thing.
the most important meal is the one you're eating right now.
don't let anybody tell you otherwise, kids.
i'm serious.
if you aren't immersed in a sensory symphony whenever you sit down to munch up,
you're missin' the whole point-
and that's why i had skillets and pans in the oven and on the stove,
with bowls and pots and everything else poppin' off and powering up
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress test kitchen laboratory....
i made a BIG ol' batch of big B brekkie bonanza jauns,
and i want you to check the mutha-flippin' teleport right now:

that's crepes, overstuffed with all the breakfasty fixxin's,
and then a few sprankles,
and a smashing dash of pumpkin seeds, just to keep it october af.
i don't think you're truly comprehending the actual big picture, man.
look closer:

if you can't grasp how expert that is,
i think you might want to go to the doctor.
seriously, you might be an A*-hole.
i had custom crepe batter ready to pour onto a hot skillet.
1 cup flour;
1/4 cup gabanzo flour;
1/4 tsp salt;
3 T sugar;
1 T ground golden flaxseed;
1 1/4 cup non-dairy milk;
1/2 cup water;
whisk, stir, mix, combine, rest, stir, thin as necessary, pour, flip, and eat.
y'ever make crepes before?
they're easy, you just ever so lighty-lightly grease a very hot pan,
pour your thin batter on, and turn/roll/swivel the pan to make a circle out of the wet stuff,
it'll quickly dry out, which means it's cooked,
but flip it once anyway, to give it a little activation on the other side.
that's genuinely all there is to it.
and they're spongy, soft, light, tight and TILTY  jauns,
perfect for overloading with all the most luxurious morning glory.
wordimus prime.
oven-roasted, ho'sauce splashed, smoky skin-on red potato homeboyfries.
those are what's UP.
two potatoes, cubed;
pink salted & olive oiled, in a roasting pan, while the oven heats up to 400+℉,
turning every eleven minutes, until they're crispy and golden at the edges.
added to 1/4 diced sweet onion,
smoked paprika, GPOP, and black pepper;
finished off with frank's or pete's or whatever you're into....
expert potato wizard hottness is a must, though.
so don't skip 'em, or you're doing it wrong.
and that scrambo?
man, you aren't even ready yet.
one block of exxxtra-frim tofu,
generous blasts of GPOP, nootch, turmeric, salt and pepper,
plus a little smoky paprika, a 1/4 minced sweet onion,
and a chopped-up baby-sized sweet red bell pepper.....
that's delicious.
olive oil and medium high heat, and a scrapin' spatula scramble from time to time
is honestly all you'll ever need to concern yourself with
when you're cooking up something this rad.
...and with a few tasty tablespoons of hemp hearts tossed in towards the end???
that's nutritious as hell, you little devils.
how do you upgrade something that'd be elite with just those three things?
well, first you popeye that sh!t with some hand-torn baby spinach leaves,
then you drop some scallion and cilantro sprig sprankles down, too.
those make everything better.
that's when you turn it up a little  MORE,
and smoosh a little AVO-F*ING-CADO on top, too.
i mean,
don't be a dummy. that's how you make your life better.
anything else?
because they're s'kyooooooooooot.
those agave-glazed oil-toasted pepitas for hallowe'enified fresh-to-deathness
(and crawnch) absolutely gave it a boost, as well.
for sure.
what's left?
sriracha for the WIN!!!
two kinds of ho'sauce in one place?
that's expert.
rubbery stretch-ups full of crispness and smooshiness and crawnchiness?
that's expert.
eating a bazillionteen pounds of these bad boys in one shot?
that's shark-gluttony, actually,
-plot twist-
that's expert, too!!
i have a system in place for eating breakfast,
and the main tenet is that too much is the right amount.
you're more than welcome to test that as often as you'd like,
but i'm confident you'll find my assertions airtight.
yesterday marked eighteen years of tattooing.
my career is old enough to vote in official sanctioned elections,
although, like me, it will NOT participate in that noise.
i just did a hard styled hard time bid,
but it's eighteen and life to go, bros.
eighteen years since i sat in the tattoo chair, held a fully-functional machine,
with needle and tube in place for the first time,
and zapped up the thigh of my buddy mitch.
no, i didn't practice on oranges first.
no, i didn't F* with pigskin (ew).
no, there was no such thing as 'practice skin' that wasn't made of human being.
those were the last of the old days, man-
and it may not ever be as raw and rugged and real as it was back then ever again.
all this time has passed,
and somehow, i'm still up here in the woodsly goodness,
working harder than ever, seven effing days a week,
a ways away from everywhere, and everyone, who was part of the come up,
doing what i do, just like always, without stopping.
THAT'S how real tattooers do it, duders.
every day is the hardest and the best.
every day is the longest and the fastest.
every day is another huge opportunity to do what i do, louder, harder, bigger, better,
and more intensely than the one before.
it's not the worst way to span time.
eighteen years of the same day, over and over,
it's a pretty good day.
i am grateful for the time i have been given-
the clients that don't suck;
the clients who suck but pay well;
the coworkers who've stayed true;
the coworkers who sucked balls;
the lovers who've loved hard,
and the lovers who've left harder;
the friends who've moved and come back;
the friends who pay for tattoos and leave afterwards;
the time that has been spanned-
all of it has motivated me to do MORE, and better,
every F*ing damned day,
and i imagine there's only ever more where that came from.
it's all really happening, still,
and it's only eighteen years and one day later into that lifetime sentence;
never quiet, never soft.....

Sunday, October 15


who's up here in the woodsly goodness,
making snappy little sugarcookie snickerdoodle shapes an' that?
it's me.
i do that sort of stuff, man.
because i like cute sh!t.
you're not the boss of me, so you can't tell me not to, either.
check 'em out:

that's black crystal candy sugar sprankle magic AND cinnamon, together,
for that traditional topdust activation, only better.
i doo-doo that cinnasugar snickerdoo-doo with style!
that's a thing.
i'd try to tell you how dooooooope these are,
i mean,
how about you just make them yourself, and then you tell me how they taste?
if that sounds good,
maybe do a little of this:
preheat your oven to 375℉
in a mixing bowl, cream together:
12 T vegan butter (earth balance, 1 1/2 stixxx, tight);
3/4 cup sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp cinnamon;
1 1/2 tsp ginger;
1 tsp vanilla;
add 1/4 cup maple syrup;
2 cups flour;
1/4 cup fresh-ground unsweetened dried flake coconut;
1 tsp ea. bakey pow' and soda;
-moosh until it's all good and cinnamony and combined into a rollable dough.
for the record,
you might need to add more syrup?
well, i dunno how dry your house is, man.
use your best judgement,
and flour the hell out of your work surface.
nobody likes it when your cookie dough sticks to everything.
<1 be="" can="" cut="" dough="" flat="" into="" of="" p="" shapes="" sheets="" thick="" want.="" whatever="" you="">heck, you could just hand-roll little balls and do 'em regular....if you're boring.
guys, i'm cool with whatever you choose to do,
but, as for me, i'm super-cool with bats, man.
i baked those bad boys for 12 minutes,
and they came out crispity-crunchy and super buttery, too.
a good cookie is a real day saver.
a great cookie can turn a whole week around.
these jauns had that seven-day saving grace sh!t going hard...
i used that amazing appleharvestspice frosting to smoosh up into some
of those powpow-sugared dusty swirl-topped snickery cookie sandwiches.
you knew i had to get rad on those options, right?
that's my thing.
rules is rules,
and opting for exxtra-fanciness is one of 'em.
do you know what the numero uno problem with crisp buttery snick-o's is?
they go down easy.
on the ones, y'boi was terrorizing stacks on stacks of 'em, all day.
like, there were dozens when i started, but only a couple when i left work.
of COURSE i brought them to work, bro.
what do you think i am?
some kind of an A*-hole?
no way.
i share the treats and i spread the wealth.
there aren't any left.
so, you missed out.
maybe you should've stopped in, y'know?
you do.
there's always more to do.
that's sort of the best and worst thing.
there are bills to pay,
dinners to cook,
dogs to walk.
it seems as if there's plenty of chores,
and lots of responsibilities,
and tons and tons of requisite actions that beg to be taken.
but what i'm wondering is:
where's the big fun?
i mean,
c'mon, man.
i have a decent time at the studio,
and i have a pretty good time in front of the stove,
and heck, i even make the best of going to the grocery store....
i'm just not sure i'm doing it right.
i don't feel elated or elevated.
in fact,
i mostly just feel the pressure to do MORE.
and what's worse,
i actually think i may even be getting LESS done than before.
how's that for weak sauce?
there's something just out of reach of my perpetual grasping outstretched hands-
something just out of focus at the edge of peripheral sightline-
there's this elusive, furtive, sneaky sensation of missing out lurking at the limits
of my senses....
it's no fun, not being able to identify what's wrong.
worse, i can almost put my finger on it.
rest assured, once i put a name on it,
i'll have a plan of action is place to counteract
any ongoing feelings of loss, lack, and/or disappointment.
that's sort of my thing, man.
planning, i mean.
i LOVE good plan.
.in the meantime, there is always more of all of it,
and all of it demands more and more of my attention.
amore it is NOT,
but a LOT is all there ever is.
this is it, and today is the day;
never quiet, never soft.....

Saturday, October 14


it's NOT banana bread.
also, it's not carrot cake.
it IS pumpkin chai cake, however,
which nobody guessed at all.
maybe i did it wrong?
that's possible,
but it tasted SO right, i don't think i could be sorry about it at all.

isn't she PRETTY?!
...and dudes,
i did a thing.
a tricky thing.
that's the same frosting,
in two colors,
neither of which is pumpkin.
i'm tricky!!
check it out-
i totally used herbal tea to flavor everything.
i did.
and you can too.
it's as simple as obtaining some herbal tea,
and making it do as it's told.
would you like instructions on how to coax the maxxximum hottness
without the traditional hot water activation?
in order to have a great big tasty cake like this, here's what you're going to want to do:
preheat your oven to 350℉, convection-style if you're cool.
in your trusty stand mixer,
3/4 cup sugar;
1/4 cup big crystal raw sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp salt;
3 teabags of bengal spice herbal chai!
cream it up,
then add:
1 cup pumpkin;
1/2 cup non-dairy yogurt;
1/4 cup non-dairy milk;
2 cups flour;
3 T tapioca;
2 tsp ground ginger;
1/2 tsp exxxtra cinnamon;
1 tsp baking soda;
2 tsp baking powder;
how straightforward is that?
linear, luscious, and totally awesome.
i LOVE a springform pan for all my single layer cake needs,
and a greased 9-incher was key to the development of this tasty business.
oh, c'mon!
25 minutes had a really great, really moist, extra-fluffy carrotcakey banana bread on deck,
sans carrots and bananas, still.
and the frosting?
that's real.
trader joe's harvest blend tea?
who knew it was the apple-spiciest new hottness for frosting???
actually, it was me, obvi.
you need this in your lives.
i mean it. nothing will be the same ever again once it hits your lips.
in the rinsed and dried stand mixer,
for swirling onto your cooled cake,
1 1/2 cups powdered sugar;
1/2 stick (4T) vegan butts;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 dumped out sachet of harvest tea;
3+ T non-dairy milk;
whip whip whip whip whip it up.
well, yes, i added orange color gel to sexxx it up,
but only because i like october so much,
i'd be a effin' real A*-hole if i didn't activate the seasonal cuteness, y'know?
nobody would know it's not pumpkin frosting-
until that sweet magical cinnamon apple sorcery
blew their tastebuds out the back of their brains!!!
it's expert as heck, and you're going to have to make more.
in fact,
maybe double the recipe.
you'll be devastated if you run out.
i do those.
you guys want some cool ones?
i prefer to do those.
ah, you just want some regular-A* ones?
oh, okay.
i do those, too.
it's alright.
i'm a working worker,
and i do work.
there are no lousy jobs, after all.
just lousy people who think they're too good to have to do 'em.
i'll bring the sexxxy cake and you bring your baked-potato ideas,
and somewhere in the middle,
we'll exchange some goods and services.
...who knows,
maybe there's a chance we're gonna have a good time?
i s'pose we'll find out,
because it's all really gonna happen, one way or another;
never quiet, never soft.....

Friday, October 13


pizza is TOO damned dope;
i could literally eat it for every meal,
and never feel as though i was missing out on something!
in fact,
we shared a pizza from the spot next door to the studio,
with all sorts of vegetable hottness on top,
even though i already knew i had some expert AF pizza dough proofing
in the fridge at home for later in the evening.
pre-pizza pizza?
hell yes.
i definitely doo-doo that freaky sh!t.
but what i realllllllly do is make incredible homemade superfresh turbo-elite
warrior-poetic overloaded vegan pizza pie!!!

word up.
as soon as i got home after work,
or, at least,
immediately after feeding crabtree the frenzied shark-bullet battle-beast,
i got the oven's convection whirlwind spinnin',
and fired that bad boy up to 485℉.
i also divided my already prepared and brutally bulked-up dough into thirds,
and kept two out on the table, reactivating.
also, i stretched them grandma-style in advance on some circular pans,
which had been lightly buttered to get that crispy-crisp on the undercarriage.
that's smart.
from there, i had plenty of prep to do while the oven got crunk'ded.
caramelizing onions;
heavily energizing a serious buffalo  sauce;
pepperomeo and julietting some homemade red lentil seitan sausages;
tamari-glazing and semi-steam-heating halved baby brussels-style sprouts.....
i had moves gettin' made on top of moves gettin' made,
and i even made sure to fire up some fried garlic sprankles,
using up an entire aged summer garlic bulb to do so.
that's a thing,
because rules is rules, man.
y'wanna get close-up on the highlight reel?
check it:

the sauce is essential to success here,
and my on-the-go-go go-to goes to eleven.
that's the truth,
and that's half a stick of butterish,
and 1/4 cup of texas pete ho'sauce,
plus 2 tsp sriracha;
a heavy shake of GPOP (that's both Garlic Powder AND Onion Powder, new kids);
1 T nootch;
1/2 tsp paprika;
1/2 tsp HOT paprika;
2 tsp agave...
combine that with cubed seitan,
and most of a head of cauliflower,
over an extended period of time,
and you've got something great for your plate.
real talk.
i laid down some spinach, added daiya cheddar,
a little red onion, the garlic, and allllll that seitanic cauli-wobblin',
and when it came out of the onion about 15 minutes-ish later,
i blasted it with MORE red onion, scallions, and cilantro sprankles.
too much is the right amount,
and triple tops sounds good to me!!
there's a whole other one, too, kids.

my go-to pizza somehow got more expert than ever.
i credit the pepperonified red lentil seitan sausages, of course.
that sh!t was heroic.
caramelized onions are great.
that sausage was tremendously flavorful.
the brussels sprouts?
c'mon, bro.
with a little braising, and a tamari glaze?
that's earthy, salty, leafy lusciousness in all the best ways.
crushed tomatoes and daiya mozzarella helped, too.
with a touch of ribboned radicchio and those mandatory fried garlic jauns?
this little mutha-effer was a BANGER.
double pizzas is what you need,
if what you need is to be rewarded as a human being for all that you do on this earth.
i'd already HAD pizza earlier.
how much pizza is acceptable?
ALL the pizza.
don't be dumb.
today is the day, neighbors.
friday the 13th.
that's unlucky?
or, perhaps it's awesome?
i guess we'll find out before the stroke of midnight, right?
i'm not saying i'm jinx-proof-
far from it.
i am implying that perpetually hard-style hexes,
b!tchily witchcrafted by a coven of exes,
may already have a senior priority claim on my bad luck riot extravaganza.
so, the date isn't going to be the reason for misfortune
so much as previous dates may well be.
in the meantime,
i'm traipsing around the woods with this dog,
daring black cats to cross us,
and stepping on cracks (in butts),
and sounding like a broken record, surrounded by mirrors,
at the studio all dang day.
something is bound to happen,
and i'm ready to experience it in all it's full hockey-masked woodsly chase scene glory;
never quiet, never soft.....

Thursday, October 12


oatmeal cookies.
that's all you really need to know.
i'm fairly open with information about food that i make....
so i'll add that there is coconut, and that there are a LOT of chocolate chips, too.
oatmeal coconut chocolate chips cookies.
that's MORE of what you need to know.
and you may already be aware of this:
too much is the right amount...
so there is also a healthy slap of dark chocolate ganache frosted across the tops.
oh. yeah.
and rules is rules,
so there are also seasonally accurate expert sprankles, as well.
THAT'S all there is to know.
now you've just got to look at 'em:

what else can i say?
oh, right.
here's how to have some of your very own:
preheat your oven to 375℉
cream together, in whatever sized bowl you'd like
(allowing for increased mess the smaller the bowl is)
10 T vegan butterish;
1 cup dark brown sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla.
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce;
stir that into some sloppy blops, then add:
1 cup whole old fashioned oats;
2 1/4 cups flour;
1/2 cup unsweetened medium flake coconut;
1 tsp bakey kapowpow;
1 tsp bakin' sodie;
1 cup mini dairy free dark chocolate chips.
knead that into dough,
scoop out small roundies, roll 'em  in your palm, press 'em flattish,
and arrange them on baking trays,
where they'll live, in the oven,
for 13 minutes, until they're ready to reemerge as amazing little floppy discs
of buttery, melty, chocolaty hottness.
you can do that with, like, no probsies, man.
the trick is to be patient,
and not spread the chocolate on top too soon.
and the chocolate ganache is still just:
1/4 cup chocolate chips;
2 T powdered sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
splash of non-dairy milk.
heated on lowlow until melted together,
and then smeared like a nasty ad campaign, bro.
oh yeah, dudes, there's just one other thing:
sprankles are what you need.
in general, and also specifically in this instance, too.
that's real.
guess who just found out how to be a cookie pro?
it's you.
hallowe'en shopping finally got started yesterday.
that took forEVER to get going.
admittedly, i've got a whole lot going on,
bu still,
what kind of man would i be if i didn't have a costume for the big day?
a real A*-hole, that's what kind.
and i'm not that, man.
no way.
i'm a dress-up mess-up and a master of disguise.
now let's see what i can conjure in the time allotted.
i hope it's something rad.
the apocalypse-themed roas warrior poet theme continues this year, too.
anybody know how to sculpt durable fake bones?
asking for a friend.
it's all about to get more complicated,
just like always;
never quiet, never soft.....

Wednesday, October 11


did you know that apple pie is my favorite one?
well that's true; it is.
and did you also know that i've been messing around with my 
pastry dough recipes for the last few months? 
well, that's also true; i have.
and i learned one important thing:
too much is the right amount.
turns out, that's just about the best way to make better piecrust-
with MORE butterish, MORE creamchee', MORE sugar...
that's how you take your crispy jauns to eleven and beyond, broski.
i love apple pie, and i especially love 'apple...AND' pie.
y'feel me?
like, apple, and some other other 'nother stuff, too.
that's yum4tum y'bum....
the new-new tasty one, freshly formed for our faces,
is an apple and raspberry and blackberry exxxtravaganza,
and it's expert AF.
i can't believe what an effortless transaction this turned out to be!
it was smooth sailing from the first to the last.
and it's good.
like, really stoopid good.
you want some, don't you?
you do?!
because i'm gonna tell you how to make it anyway:
PASTRY v4.0!
in a mixin' bowl, cut together:
10 T fresh from the fridge vegan buttery spread 
(earth balance is pretty much the good sh!t, FYI);
5 T vegan creamchee' also cold as heck
(tofutti will do you a right, neighbors);
4 T raw sugar 
(the demerara big'uns are great for this);
2 tsp vanilla;
2 1/4 cups white flour;
when all that has been chopped and integrated,
add very cold non-dairy milk, 1 T @ a time,
until the whole sticky mass holds together when squeezed.
that's literally all there is to it...
i didn't even rest it, really.
just rolled it out on a very well floured surface,
popped it into, and pressed it to fit in a deep fluted tart pan,
and filled it up.
the filling was as straightforward as they come:
3 huge apples, peeled cored, and minced 
(i used my weird salsa-maker gadget to chop 'em).
1 T ground ginger;
2 tsp cinnamon;
3 T agave;
1/4 cup raw sugar;
1 T lemon juice;
1 tsp vanilla;
2 T organic non-GMO cornstarch.
cooked down to get the juices flowing,
and heated up to get the starch to thicken it quickly.
i also spread it out on a baking tray to cool much much faster.
i hardly have time to do anything after 8 am,
so i needed to get it in the oven, so my day could really get underway without
pies lurking in my periphery.
the filling is tight.
the berries?
well, the berries are key here.
a package of blacks and a package of razzers,
a few accent cutouts, and some copious sugar sprankles,
and you've got yourself something to freak out about, for sure.
i'm telling you, kids:
berries and apples are best friends.
i think that's real, probably.
i can assure you these berries were destined to elevate my already expert apple magic
to the level of superior sorcerer supreme!
22 minutes in the oven, at 415℉, convection-style,
had the whole thing ready to represent autumn to it's highest levels.
i LOVE it when a treat comes out exxxtra sexxxy.
it's a great feeling, seeing all that good-lookin' golden greatness,
and knowing you did that all by yourself.
i'm not bragging, but i AM proud, man.
take it easy.
i am very grateful that my clients understand me.
for a little while,
in the other place,
i just very simply wasn't my best self.
now, wait a little minute there, buddy-
i never half-assed my work,
the accompanying conversation was not as illuminated 
as the stuff it seems i can conjure up off the cuff 
when the environment is more conducive to turbo-hottness from the future an' that.
oh, c'mon.
you've never been in a bad situation; 
beset, beseiged, and surrounded by underappreciation and a lack of interactive participation,
and felt it drain away the dopeness faster than you could produce, process, and emanate it?
y'all are either very lucky, or very lazy, if you're being honest.
for the rest of us,
it's not easy to be a cheerful cheer-up charlie-boy when you're not where you wanna be.
these days,
in the sanctified great hall of AMPERSAND TATTOO,
the vibes are TILTY AF,
and the air in there is supercharged with positivity, creativity, objectivity 
and the fresh scents alternately of the numerous site-specific autumnal candles,
and pizza from next door.
it's a good scene.
it's a good time.
it's all really happening,
and it sure does seem like our clients catch the contagiously optimistic spirit of the place
almost immediately.
it doesn't hurt that the attitude we project is an immersive and inclusive 
all-star ensemble-cast cabaret-style extrovert extravaganza, too.
i mean,
and i'd like to think that these strong people are coming back for the strong language 
as much as they're also scheduled for more strong imagery.
real tattoos for real people.
that's what's up in october;
never quiet, never soft.....

Tuesday, October 10


i made little pumpkin stuffs.
i mean,
it's october, bro.
rules is rules.
now that i'm not tied to sandwich-themed creation,
i knew i could really turn up the octoberism,
and get expert on some pumplestiltskin jauns for sure!
.......and that's exxxactly what i did.
check the teleport:

...that's a tough call.
these were produced with a muffiny intention,
their knobbly tops hid a very soft spongy center mass.....
and when the frosting showed up to the party?
things took a turn towards cupcake pretttttty hard.
they've got pie spice all up in 'em nicey-nicely,
and they're thiccc as heck, too.
they're also surprisingly fluffy.
on the ones,
they're sort of both, but kind of more of a cupcake with an ugly dome.
and i think that's fitting, really,
given the daily mantra i recite whenever i look in the mirror:
stay ugly, stay dope.
they may not have the sexxxiest faces,
but they DO have the sexxxiest taste.
that's real.
i'll happily share the process with you.
in fact, i'll do that right now:
preheat your oven to 350℉
in a medium-sized mixing bowl,
cream together:
1/2 cup light brown sugar;
8 T (1 stick) non-dairy butter;
1/3 cup raw sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
add in:
6 T pumpkin;
cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice, and cloves;
6 T non-dairy yogurt;
- mix well-
and the fire up the dry ingredients:
2 1/4 cups flour;
2 tsp baking kapowder;
1 tsp bakey soda.
stir together, adding more pumpkin/yogurt, if necessary.
the batter should be thick, and heavy.
fill muffintins with cupcake papers 2/3 full,
and bake those baddies for 22-25 minutes.
remove 'em from the oven, then after a short spell on the counter,
remove them from the tins and cool 'em off completely.
i'll bet they'd have been simply terrific with raw sugar sprankles on top.
i mean,
they'd basically be elite muffins at that point, right?
simple, however, is for simpletons,
and we're smarty-pantses, aren't we?
i hope so.
and every smarty knows that too much is the right amount.
that's a fact.
and i do believe that to be the right course of action every time.
i hit 'em up with that re-whipped cinnamaplecreamchee' frosting,
and some colorcoordinated candy-cornelius-type sprankles, as well.
y'can't go wrong with fancy spranks, buddy.
that's the truth.
you want cinnamplecreamchee'?
i got you, b-
3 cups powdered sugar;
1 stick vegan butts;
1/2 tub tofutti creamchee',
vanilla; cinnamon,
1 T maple syrup;
1/2 tsp maple exxxtract.
whip whip whip it good, and you'll have no problems, man!
always make sure you're taking it to eleven.
anything less is just you cheating yourself,
and that's never been a good idea, has it?
no way.
do the thing right, until the thing is done.
that's how you make sure you're expert.
work work work work work.
i have a lot of that to do.
i may start my hallowe'en stuff, FINALLY.
today, however, i've got a whole mess of other other priorities on the list
that rank higher than my indulgent dress-up mess-ups.
it's all really happening,
and i'm going to need to move, think, talk, and act faster
if i want all of it to be as amazing as it should be.
i've got no time for fake ones, yo.
that's a thing;
never quiet, never soft.....

Monday, October 9


....and that's a wrap, folks.
it wasn't a wrap, per se....
because a wrap is NOT a sandwich.
it's a lazy burrito without rice,
and that's not invited to my eight day gluttonfest,
or any other festival, festivity, or fiesta....
when it's time to party at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,
we rep the between-bread barbarian big action only.
because sandwich week is F*ing expert,
and wraps are for nerds.
that's not how i doo-doo that freaky sh!t, bruh.
i get fresh to death on freshly baked homemade buns.
and i get down and dirty on homemade veggie burgers.
in fact,
i go hard on sandwiches in general,
and for the final installment of my eight-day voyage of dietary discovery,
i turned up the hottness on some spicy black beans 'n' them.
check the teleport:

cornmeal-kissed big BIG buns!
homemade, firm, spicy black bean burguesas, with corn.
rainbow fiesta guacamole!!!
salsa fresca picante!!!
a few leaves of crawnchy lettuce,
and a splash of sprouts,
and handful of pickled jalapeno sprankles for good measure.
here's the thing-
i should've made the buns smaller,
and the patties thinner,
i just couldn't bring myself to b!tch out at the finish line...
too much is the right amount.
and that doesn't change on day eight.
....or day eighty, for that matter.
so iwent large and in charge for my finale,
and you know something?
it was totally worth it.
you interested in what's inside those crisp-crusted circles of superior sexxxiness?
saute 1/2 cup chopped onion,
and 1/2 a large tomatillo until browned, in a tablespoon of oil.
in your food processor,
2 cloves garlic;
3 T chick pea flour;
1/2 cup rolled oats;
1 can (15oz) drained and rinsed black beans;
2 T ground flax seeds;
1 T fried garlic (it's important to note that the two garlic styles are key here)
smoked paprika, GPOP, oregano, cumin, coriander, sage;
a punch of nootch;
a punch of cilantro;
a scoop of rough-hewn scallion;
that fried-up tomatillo and onion;
salt, black pepper, cayenne.
^^^pulse it up so it's somewhat chunky,
and transfer the pulp to a small mixing bowl-
add 1/2 cup frozen corn,
and adjust the spices to your preferred level of intensity.
form up fatty patties,
and sizzle those suckers on medium heat, in a generous sheen of hot oil,
until they're crispity-crusted on both sides.
the buns were basically what i've already described throughout the week,
but with 3 T cornmeal added in for elite textural upgrade activation.
that's real.
the salsa fresca is so easy, you just may end up always having some on hand,
although i'll wager you'll devour it as fast as you can create it:
i hope you have a hand-chopper of some sort.
i have a 'salsa-maker' which is basically a manual food processor,
and i personally love it the MOST.
you could do it all by hand, or you could ruin it an automatic processor,
if you're about that fresh raw salsa life, get yourself that little gadget,
and rejoice at your newfound salsa prowess.
4 roma tomatoes;
2 tomatillos;
1/3 poblano;
1/2 jalapeno;
1/3 cup rainbow bell pepper;
1/2 red onion;
1 T scallion;
3 T cilantro;
2 cloves raw garlic;
chop chop chop chop chop all that up.
go longer on the 'matoes and 'matillos, so there's some semi-solid smoosh
mooshed in with the chunks, if you know what i'm talking about-
add GPOP, and salt, and black pepper, AND lots of lime juice.
stir it up, let it marinate, and eat the holy ever-lovin' livin' heck outta that sh!t asap!
salsa is for the cool kids.
don't be a lame, eat more salsa.
and my guac?
it's that guap!
actually, it's reallllly similar to the salsa fresca,
with AVO-F*ING-CADO instead of juicy tomatoes an' that.
and it's gooooooooood af, too.
sandwich week is over and out,
and while i'm sad to see it go,
i've got new horizons to pursue
until the next time that sunday is also the rabbit rabbit calendar start up...
rules is rules.
the week was a quantifiable success.
i couldn't help but notice that not everybody knew what to celebrate.
would you believe there are people who don't know about sandwich week?
yeah...i'm as surprised as you are!
there were terrible fairgoers, interested only in trucks or horse races
or country music concerts or tractor pulls or blue-ribbon pig buttholes or whatever.
and there were scores on scores of elderlies on tour buses,
just driving around looking at leaves.
and there were long-weekending second-homeowner traffic jammers, too.
i'm sayin',
the indigenous peoples,
and the leif eriksons of anarchy,
AND the christendumb-dumbs reppin' cristobal colon jauns
were all vying for three day dominance-
and yet,
where were all my sandwich appreciators?
i guess they were here.
with me.
in this manly manor where most of the mealtime magic gets managed.
the woodsly goodness was positively packed to the tippity top with tourists,
and yet,
we managed to master ALL the sandwiches,
go exxxtra-heavy on the falafels, fried dough, and french-style shoestring potatoes,
AND still take on all the tattoos that's fit into each and every day.
that's a LOT, man.
i feel like maybe i'm spread too thin?
there just doesn't seem to be enough time to do everything.
and i HATE that.
i haven't even started my hallowe'en costume yet!
i don't know when i will,
just that i have to get going on it.
there are tattoos booked every damned day for another 'nother month.
y'all out here reppin' long weekends and days OFF....
that's weird to me.
i'll find a place for all the things,
or i'll literally fall asleep trying;
never quiet, never soft.....