Sunday, December 9

BUDDHA TWO, DUH, TA-DAH!

hahahahaha.
MORE bowls of barbarian blops!
a grain, a green, and a bean.
that's what you need to make it right,
and if you wanna get right,
you gotta do it right.
buddha bowls, bros.
that's what i'm on about.
wanna see another one?
ok.
teleport:

AVOCADO!!!
y'like those sesame seed sprankles?
me too.
tricolor quinoa? yup.
that's tight.
spicy hot-saucy smoky hot chick peas?
yes, please.
oven roasted tomatoes, and pearl onions?
sounds great to me.
plus, cukes, carrots, radishes, pea shoots, lettuces, radicchio,
cilantro, and scallion sprankles.
that's how you get powered up like a champion, neighbors.
more of everything expert, and less of the bullsh!t, please.
AVO-F*ING-CADO, though. that's what i needed to turn it up.
uh-huh.
level eleven pig-out status is in effect.
mmmmm.
....and there's tamari glazed brussies,
AND crissssssspy potato wedges.
you better believe that i'm gonna forever get rad on a buddha bowl, bud.
i gotta.
when there's room for MORE, you should always add MORE.
too much is the right amount, and skimping out makes you an A*-hole.
real talk.
AND IT'S GLUTEN-FREE??
of course it is.
my sweet thang has actual celiac attacks, so when we're together,
it's only right that i eschew wheat, and turn up the heat, and add ho'sauce,
and generally make sure we get all the good, and none of the lame.
i'm secretly kind of nice, and i do try to be considerate where applicable.
i like a huge serving of sexxxiness, and that's what i'm making.
it's like a very fancy salad, with verrrry expert everything.
i can hang out with that for a good long while.
but, i eat fast, so it doesn't always take that long,
so i do what i can to improve upon the intensity if not the duration.
of the food, dude. jeez.
don't make it weird.
*
i'm on the treats train to tastyville.
hmm?
i'm making holiday yummies, and i think i'm doing a crackin'-good job at it, i might add.
yeah.
i like a nicey-nice holiday cookie.
and a chocolate or two.
and cinnamon.
and all the good little somethin'-somethin's that make XI-mas go to eleven.
y'know?
yeah, you know.
so, that's where i'm at.
in front of the oven,
full of lovin',
making the specialties of the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
that's how i spend my too-early uneasy-like sunday mornings.
it's all really happening, and it all just happens to contain no wheat,
but an awful lot of sugar.
sweet.
...literally.
ew;
never quiet, never soft.....

BUDDHA!

buddha's got a rotund round mound of a manly midsection.
there are internet rumors that that's where the name buddha bowl comes from.
i can't verify the veracity, but i can sure vouch for a big belly bowl of whole foods.
a heapin' helpin' of hottness, wholly whole and massively portioned?
don't mind if i do, dudes.
check it out:

THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED,
if what you need is to shovel an acre of awesome into your face.
(and i do)
SO many good things, heaped up in a giant pile of pure joy.
mmmmmm.
oven roasted potatoes? that's what you want-
brown and white rice? that's essential to your well being, buddy-
steamy broxxx? greens are good for you always-
purple brussies, with a dash of tamari? yummmmmm-
salady mixed-up green leafies and crawnchy radishes and carrots,
and hot peppers and cilantro sprankles??
that's how you doo-doo the big bowl, bro.
too much is the right amount,
which is why there's also spicy smoky chick peas,
AND exxxtra-lemony tahini dressing as well.
yuuuup.
there's a system here, and it's a template for being terrific and gettin' expert.
a grain, a green, and a bean.
rules is rules.
-
pan-fried brussies in a dab of olive oil, a tablespoon of water, and a lid t steam 'em-
that's easy enough, but then you hit 'em with that wheatless soy, and glaze the grand finale
like a champ.
-
the chick peas are drained, rinsed, and rolled around in a hot pan with GPOP,
smoked paprika, black pepper, texas-style ho'sauce, a dash of nootch, and some salt.
-
the potatoes get roasted at 375℉ until they're golden, laid out on parchment on a baking tray,
with a little pink salt and black pepper.
-
the broccoli is legit just steamed until it;s soft, but still bright.
-
ANYbody can do this, and there's a LOT of it to much up on.
that's the best news of the night, right?
i think so.
-
tahini, lemon, salt, pepper, and that's your dressing-
1 tsp paste, 3 T lemon, a lotta stirring, and some seasonin'.
c'mon.
you know you have the skills to gorge yourself on an epic bucket of big action,
allowing the shark-gluttonous overindulgence to activate all these nutrients.
that's the best part-
it's all good for you, too.
yeah!
MORE food, and MORE flavor, and no bad news....
...until it's all gone and you're sad.
awwwwwww.
***********
i got up hella early today.
just like every day.
all i do all the time is run around.
even when there's down time, it's actually go time.
that's exhausting,
and for some stoooopid reason, my damned dumb-dumb dog needs to be wide-eyed,
up, and at 'em at 4am....
yup,
crabtree is a real early wormy bummer of a battle beast so far this month.
and that's every frickin' morning.
now, i've never really slept very much-
but these cold dark days have got me feeling the need for slumber.
maybe it's escapism, maybe it's depression trying to invade my P.M.A.,
i dunno,
but i do know that when my whole body says sleep, i might wanna listen,
however,
all i hear is this whingey, whiny, weasley little F*er moaning about,
for literally no legitimate reason.
he's too hot? he's too tired? he's a dog, duders,
so i can't tell you what the heck he means when he peals and squeals for an hour,
ruining every single morning with his weak-sauce noises-
but, that's what he does, and that's how it goes.
i don't like it, but i've probably just got to investigate the cause,
rather than resenting the symptoms with exxxxtreme hostility.
uh-huh.
am i smarter than a dirty dog?
time will tell, but right now, the answer is no;
never quiet, never soft.....

Saturday, December 8

PETE SAH!

another pizza?
yeah.
i forgot about this one.
white pie is tight, bro.
that's the truth,
and when it's got all the stuff i like on top?
it's even better.
check the teleport:

PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYY!!!!
broccoli, steamed slightly, seared seriously, and deep green for all the nutrients an' that.
that's good for you.
tapioca chee' blops? yup. that's my current new thing, so i'm workin' it for all it's worth.
caramelized onions AND red onion wedges?
too much is the right amount, neighbors, always and forever.
also, i really like onions, and i recognize that they've got the most flavor....
flavor is key, and flavor is what we want on our pizza, right?
right!
blackened tomatoes? expert!
vegan red lentil seitan sausages??
c'mon, dudes, you know that turns it up to eleven in a flash.
there's also minced daiya mozz and fried garlic sprankles, too.
mmhmmm,
rules is rules.
the dough is where the real awesomeness resides, however.
without a good dough, you're a piece of sh!t,
and you deserve to only ever eat bummer pizza.
...that's real.
this here is a 36 hour jaun, and it's reallllllly frickin' tasty-
-
2 cups flour;
1/2 tsp wheat gluten;
3/4 cup warm water;
4 tsp yeast;
2 tsp salt.
kneaded in your stand-uprighteous mixer, dough hook enabled,
for eleven minutes, and covered, and refrigerated for a sloowwwwww proof....
like,
i made it when it in the morning before work,
and i used it the next night when i got home from work-
that's 36 chambers, yo.
that's pure wu-TANG pizza shaolin kung fu for everybody.
mmhmmm.
i like my oven stones hot as hell, a 480℉ convection selection,
to get the bottom of my dough doper than diablo,
and crisssp, too.
*
pizza will always be invited.
i love it, i need it, i want it, i make it, now, today, tomorrow, forever.
maybe they'll make a good vegan gluten-free crust someday?
i dunno.
maybe that's up to me.
i wanna share pizza with the whole planet, man.
i think it's the universal component to peace and love.
that's just me, though,
and i'm not the authority on any of that;
never quiet, never soft.....

PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYY!!!!!

maaaaaaaaaaan,
i F*ing LOVE pizza.
all the pizza.
all the dough.
all the supersexxxy soul-supreme surefire fresh-to-deathness.
yup.
pee eye zee zee ayy!
that's my thing.
my go-to for greatness for my whole fat F*ing face.
if you ain't about the pizza game,
i truly feel badly for you, son-
i got 999 problems, but a slice ain't one.
last night, i made some sicilian superiority,
on a semi-semolina, cornmeal-enhanced fluffed-the-eff-up square dough, yo.
i did, and it did somethin' special to my senses-
check the muh-fuhh'n teleport:

Y'BOIIIIII!!!!
yeeeeeeeeeah, i know about what's good, guys.
y'see that crust?
it's expert.
you see those fiery 'ronis on top?
neighbors, i got the homemade meatlessness on deck, and goes to eleven.
that's a thing.
crushed tomatoes, caramelized onions, fried garlic sprankles......
rules is rules, and those are the house jauns at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
mmhmmm.
from-scratch stretchy tapioca-tofu chee'? man, if you don't know, y'better try to find out-
in fact, you better ask somebody asap, because otherwise y'all're missing out hard.
...and that's no joke.
real talk,
a good pizza is still the solution to most of what ails me-
for example,
i couldn't call my father and wish him a happy berfday-
i mean, not without a ouija board, anyway,
so instead i compromised, and made a pizza he'd never have eaten,
with vegetables he'd avoided his whole life at all costs,
and somehow, i still felt like i was close to him while i ate-
he talked about pizza as much as i do really-
while he may have had a verrrrry limited palate for the superfancy unnecessariness
of my radical super-elite vegan new hottness,
he could still terrorize a 'well-done', a.k.a slight;y burnt, pepperoni pie.
yeah.
so, this one was for him, but made to actually be so much better in most ways-
that's the move, anyway, isn't it?
to do a bit better than the ones who went first?
i dunno.
but i DO know that a good pizza, especially a sicilano supreme, is the TRUTH.
man,
it had alllllll the right things-
baby spinach on the bottom,
shredded and MINCED daiya mozz-
that's the pro tip:
chop your daiya shreds even smaller, and they'll melt 11x more expertly.
wordimus prime, try it and find out.
then those caramelized onions,
and two fat thiccc stripes of san marzano crushed tomatoes, bro.
don't use sh!tty tomatoes, if you do, you're an A-hole-
did i also activate some seared baby grape tomatoes?
of course i did- too much is the right amount, buddy.
don't be dumb.
then the homestyle tapioca-tofu chee',
and those from-scratch red lentil seitan vegan 'ronis....
the fried garlic came through with flying colors,
followed by a pre-AND-post bake blast of parsley spranks,
and a gentle from-shoulder-height dusting of nootch,
to keep it exxxtra exxxtra.
-
now that you know how it is constructed,
lemme tell you a lil  baby bit about the dough:
-
*
SICILIANO DEPTH!
-
in your indomitably dope stand mixer, withy the dough hook affixed,
knead together:
1 1/2 cups flour;
1/2 cup semolina flour;
3 T fine cornmeal;
1 T vegan butter;
1 pkg regular-actin' yeast;
1 tsp bread-machine yeast;
2 tsp salt;
1ish cup warm water-
knead it all for ten minutes, then shape it into a tight, firm ball,
cover it and refrigerate it for 12 hours-
preheat your oven to 480℉ convection-style,
and stretch your rested dough into an olive-oiled half-pan baking tray,
you know, the 10" x 14" (or whatever they are) jauns,
and let it blossom into fluffy beauty while the oven gets hot.....
how simple is that??
you got it, guys, and you're gonna get it, too.
yes!
*
for those of you who can't scroll through this compendium of recipes,
here's some links for you b!tch-A*:
pepperoni.
and also:
sticky chee'.
you're welcome.
***********
where the heck does the time go???
december 8th?
already?
c'mon, man, take it easy-
it's six degrees outside.
that's cold.
in fact, it's quite a ways below freezing, really.
i'm inside feeling the chill in my drafty domain,
and i've got the oven on, the heat up, and a space heater radiator chugging along
like that little engine that could, only it isn't,
and i'm still cold in a sweatshirt, b.
yup.
it's all really happening, and it's not warm at all.
i guess i look better in layers-
the farther from naked i am, the more approachable i feel;
never quiet, never soft.....

Friday, December 7

OLD MAN WINTER!

so, it's not even officially winter for two more full weeks from today,
but,
it's been flippin' fuh-reeeez-in' for a full month already.
and today?
well, today is the day.
yup,
the sneak-attackin' war-declarin' kamikaze real looloo of a honolulu hotspot....
y'know?
pearl harbor day, a.k.a my dad's berfday.
ugh.
yeah.
so, had the ol' divebomber not checked out in may, exactly seven months early,
he'd have been 69 today (nice)....
that's somethin'.
but, he's gone, and we've got a whole lotta memories, and wild stories,
to keep in our hearts and our heads all day today.
i'll have myself a fire, tonight, i think,
and some pizza, too.
yeah.
i might even walk by the pink-streaky meat department in the supermarket
and horrify myself silly at all of those beloved carcasses, in his honor, later....
it's a cold, windy day,
but the sun is out, and his son is out and about,
and it's all really happening, still,
even though he's opted out of the next phase.
i've got my own kids to inspire with antics and anecdotes,
and i'm gonna phone-bomb the heck outta them all dang day;
never quiet, never soft.....

THAI'GHT!

spicy noods on the go?
you know it.
sometimes, we retrace our steps on familiar ground, and it's a good feeling.
that's how last night went for sure.
i got home a little bit late after a day down in alton, nh-
where i spanned some quality time with quality people,
and had a big fun pillowfightin' wrapping paper party with the kids.
yeah.
i still like kids, neighbors.
i mean, c'mon- kids are cool, and i'm not an A*-hole.
but,
i got home late, and ate dinner late, and needed some spice to fire up my face,
and keep my eyes open while i played around with crabtree.
that's a thing.
if he's ignored for a whole day, he turns into a bratty three year old,
and that's no fun-
a tired dog is a good dog, and i need him to be good, because when he's bad, i'm worse,
and nobody likes that!
therefore,
i needed the new hottness, in my favorite format,
to activate my energy levels back up to eleven.
mmmhmmmm.
i like the spicy noods, dudes.
quick-fast, and in a hurry-
check the teleport:

NOODLES ARE RAD, AND PAD SRIRACHA JAUNS ARE THE TRUTH!!
i started with mixed greenery, pea shoots, purple cabbage, and purple carrots,
plus some radish, and scallion and cilantro sprankles.
that's all nicey-nicely arranged in my big ol' bowl;
meanwhile, in a hot pan, with a scoop of coconut oil,
i crisped up half a block of exxxtra-firm tofu on all sides, to a good golden hue,
and they were, as always,
allowed to brown on every side before flippin' to prevent stickin'.
that's how you do tofu right, man.
-
the sauce?
kid, that sauce is fuego,
and it gave me enough power to wrestle with crabby for an hour!
-
2 T rice wine vinegar;
2 T tamari;
1 tsp sesame oil;
2 T mae ploy sweet chili sauce;
1 T sriracha;
2 T oelek sambal chili garlic paste;
1/2 tsp dried chili flakes;
1/2 tsp GPOP;
11 crax of black pepper;
1/2 tsp ground coriander;
1 tsp fresh cilantro;
2 T lime juice.
^^^^^
if you ain't with that, you ain't in the business of deliciousness.
real talk, that's classic goodness for your face,
and it's gluten free, and it's expert af.
-
so, you got sauce, you got salad, now you need veggies and noodles, and you're good to go-
i had red onion, rainbow bell peppers, broccoli, baby grape tomatoes, carrot,
cilantro stems (minced), and scallion sizzlin' for a short spell in a spoonful of coconut oil,
before i lidded up the pan, added half the sauce,
and let it cook for just long enough to soften the broccoli before it turned a gross color.
that's pretty simple, really, right?
i think so.
boil the noodies of your choice according to the directions provided with 'em,
drain 'em and add 'em to the pan of veg,
toss ALL of that around with the second half of that sauce,
and you're the champion.
fast.
filling.
lip-tinglingly hot.
energizing.
excellent.
that's what's up.
*
december is a week deep into itself.
i'm not succeeding at XI-mas.
i mean, my daughters gave me a list, so that's easy.
the little kids want toys, so that's a no-brainer, obvi.
but all these grown-ups out here are about to get neglected.
not to extent of coal in the toe-tip of their stocking,
but the olden days of overloaded heaps of perfectly presented presents
may be the glory days of yesteryear, guys.
i'm a little torn up about it.
maybe there'll be a miracle?
maybe.
the thing is, it's all really happening,
i just never expected there to be so many changes in one short year.
it's a lot, and i s'pose that's good:
too much is the right amount, right?
i believe it, so i'm gonna move forward with that as my premise.
i must just need to get busier with all the aspects and angles of this season.
there are berfdays coming up, in addition to the presents-day in the present day.
that's MORE to do, and that means i gotta get bigger and better asap.
that's the move, so i figure that means gotta make it;
never quiet, never soft.....

Thursday, December 6

KRAMPUSNACHT!

man,
i wish the krampus would've come through and
set off a whoopin' and a thrashin' last night.
i mean, c'mon, man-
a giant devil with a broom slappin' you silly because you've been naughty?
that's rad.
i'm into it, and i feel as though i would've been in good company
as my legs and arms caught a switchin' from the observant powers of heaven and hell.
yup.
instead, i had a really long phone call, and no cookies.
....wait.....what?
i made cookies, but i gave them to away-
and nothing makes long talks more productive than a handful of cookies.
that's a fact.
cookies make conversations better;
and while i had a whole plateful of the cookies earlier,
that way waaaaay before the chat got underway.
neighbors,
krampus cookies are expert.
and when they're gluten-free, and coconutty, too?
man, that's when you gotta eat a LOT of cookies as fast as you can.
mmhmm.
check the teleport:

GRUS VOM KRAMPUS, BIHHHHHH!
some of you may remember that i made that krampus a little ways back.
i'm not just a real-life documentarian,
vegan epicurean creator and curator,
and a tattblastin' warrior poet.
i also doo-doo that puppetry sh!t, as well.
that's right, friends, i'm over here in the woodsly goodness making some sort of Folk Life,
and i'm willing to share the cookies and the stories with some of you, too.
ha!
here's the rundown of radical gluten-freedom-fighting bakery barbarianism,
as it unfolded in real time here at the morning-glorious Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
-
*
KRAMPUSPLӒTZCHEN!
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
in a medium mixing bowl, combine:
3/4 cup sugar;
1/4 cup powdered sugar;
1/2 cup unsweetened small dry-flake coconut;
1 3/4 cups bob's ap gf flour (chickpea-based);
1/2 tsp salt;
1/2 cup bob's 1:1 gf rice flour;
1 stick vegan butter (8 T);
2 tsp coconut oil;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp xantham;
1/2 cup gf oat flour;
1 T tapioca starch;
cut that all together into a crumbly meal, and add in:
1/2 cup coconut yogurt;
1/3 cup carton-style coconut milk-
stir it, knead it, and make it into a sticky dough-
then get yourself a baking tray, and blop out two dozen small balls,
and bake 'em for 11 minutes.
-
you'll have plenty of dough left-
add 1 T vanilla bean paste, an knead it in-
do the small ball thing again, but flatten 'em a little, maybe,
so you can tell the difference an' that-
bake those, too-
-
and then add 2 T cocoa to whatever's left, and make some chocolate jauns!
that's a lotta cookies, but that's a good thing:
too much is the right amount...
for real.
eat 'em, love 'em, share 'em, ice and decorate and get fresh-to-death on 'em,
but whatever you do,
don't forget that krampus is watching, boi.
it's too bad you can't fill in a sign-up sheet with candidates for a threshin'.....
i'd fill my own name in the first three slots, for sure.
a good old fashioned A*-kickin' in the name of XI-mas?
i'm so ready already;
never quiet, never soft.....

Wednesday, December 5

EGGPLANT!!!!!!!

man, i F*ing LOVE eggplant.
on the ones, it's the best, and when i'm gonna do it,
i gotta overdo it.
i mean, c'mon- rules is rules.
and the number one rule with eggplant?
too much is the right amount.
mmhmmm.
so, eggplant sandwiches are here, and they're large and they're in charge,
and they're really molto expert, too.
check the teleport:

MELANZANE!!!!
yup.
dylan came over, because he's an aubergine-head as well,
and we both took down a massive manly sandwich
on a homemade slab of fresh-baked bread.
word.
the vegan stretchy chee'? from-scratch.
the breading? so tight.
the sauce? homemade tastes better, always.
neighbors, this sh!t right here is the TRUTH.
just look at this:

YES. .........ALL THE YES THAT EVER YESSED, Y'ALL.
that's level-eleven off-the-charts hottness, homeboy.
-
le,,e tell you about those buns-
-
*
BUNZO DELUXXXO!
-
in your stand mixer, combine:
1 3/4 cups a.p. flour;
1/4 cup semolina flour;
2 tsp salt;
1 tsp sugar;
1 pkg regular actin' yeast-
with the dough hook attached, knead that up with:
2 T olive oil;
3/4 cup warm water w/ 1 tsp bread machine yeast.
beat that up on lowish speed for ten minutes,
cover it and let it rise until double in size ( i refrigerated mine all day while i worked)
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
shape three long logs of luscious loafism on a baking tray,
and allow them to rise thirty or more minutes-
brush a splash of melted vegan butter on each, and score the tops,
before baking them roughly 20 minutes, turning twice to allow for maxxximum browning
and ultimate fluffed fresh-to-deathness to dominate your kitchen.
das IT.
*
the sauce?
man, i had two cups of tomatoes roasting at 400℉ until blackened.
huh?
yeah. i had that going on just in case i needed to get expert on some sauce.
good thing, right?
i know.
-
*
THICCC SAUCE!!
-
in a 1 quart sauce pot, in 1 T olive oil, saute:
1/4 cup sweet onion, minced;
2 T minced shredded carrot;
3 cloves garlic;
2 cups blackened baby grape tomatoes;
pink salt, black pepper-
when the onion browns at the edges slightly, add:
1 heaped T tomato paste;
1 T nootch;
1 T white wine vinegar;
1 T tamari-
cook for three minutes on medium heat,
then add:
1 1/2 cups crushed tomatoes;
1/2 cup warm water;
1 tsp ea GPOP;
thyme, sage, rosemary, basil, oregano, parsley.....
dudes,
just let it simmer on low-low until it's lookin' thick af,
then put a lid on it and relax.
it's ready.
and it's gonna be so good.
homemade sauce is the way to heaven.
jar sauce is NOT
*
the chee'?
dudes, i might've marginally effed up.
uh-huh.
next time? no turmeric.
that sh!t is yellow and that's not what i wanted at all.
-
otherwise it's so rad, and the recipe goes like this:
-
*
TAPIOCA-TOFU STRETCHY CHEE'!
-
i your food processor or high speed blender, puree:
1/2 block undrained silken tofu;
1/4 cup tapioca;
1 T lemon juice;
3 T nootch;
1 tsp ea. Garlic Powder Onion Powder;
pink salt;
2 T olive oil;
1/4 cup water.
smash that into a slurry,
and stir the heck out of it in a small pot on high heat until it's one stretchy, sticky mass.
that's all you gotta do, and you get all the goodness from like, two steps of effort.
expert.
*
there's parsley sprankles on my sandwiches.
i like a little spritzle of fanciness-
there's a lotta radicchio and spinach, too.
y'know i want leafies on my sandwiches for all the nutrients-
and carmies?
maaaaaaan, come ON-
thickness is the key here, bro.
fat strips of slippery caramelized onion are the super-activator.
...that's flavor for your F*ing face!
and that's how you make it magical.
but,
it's the eggplant that exxxplodes with excellence-
yup.
molto melanzane in full effect-
slices of small italian eggplant >1/4" thick,
salted, rinsed, and dredged in eggless batter,
before getting breaded like a F*ing champ-
mmmmmmmmm.
yo, dudes, you don't know, but you should learn a little-
1 cup of soy milk,
1 T chai/flaxseed meal, bloomed in there,
salt, black pepper, and 1 tsp chickpea flour for the juicy juice that affixes the crOmbles.
-
then,
gluten-free rice crispies,
organic non-GMO cornstarch,
chick pea flour;
oregano, nootch, black pepper, crushed red pepper, GPOP,
and, if you're feelin' wild, cornflakes, all crushed up to a fine crumbly grist,
and stuck fast to both sides of each flap of purple circular superiority.
-
i fry mine for a few minutes on each side in huge pan with lots of vegetable oil-
i like 'em crissssssp, son, to counteract all the sauce and chee' they'll be loaded with,
before i bake those badboiz in the same oven i baked the bread in moments earlier-
how long?
until it's finished.
ha.
...yup.
they sizzle, and they look better,and they smell amazing-
you'll know what to do when it's time.
hot fresh bread, hot fresh sauce-embossed chee'-stacked eggplant,
and all that other stuff,
all loaded together and exxxploding with amazingness in your mouth.
huge sandwiches are the best.
and i miss sandwich week.
i do.
and it's been a minute since the last one,
but we're still nine MORE months away from the next one.
i gotta get it poppin' in between, broski.
that's a thing.
this helped.
i may need another soon, though.
there's never enough sandwiches, and that's no joke.
i am psyched to have my table set with sumptuous feasts,
i am psyched for the intuitive cooking skillset i employ,
i am grateful for the time i have been given,
and i'm ready for tonight's dinner already;
never quiet, never soft.....

Monday, December 3

COFFEE/CAKE!

vegan sour creme.
uh-huh.
that's the secret ingredient.
it makes things soft and light,
and it makes 'em smooooooth, too.
mmhhmm.
ok, so-
i wanted to make coffee cake, but about halfway through the process,
i just jumped off the path, and went into a whole other 'nother direction.
i still made coffee cake,
but, like, for real, though-
wanna see?
you do?!
ok, then check the creme-cake-type teleport:

I NEVER NEED A REASON FOR CAKE.
i like cake, neighbors, and i have an oven and nobody to answer to,
so that's all y'all need to know.
wait.
that's not entirely true.
look:

now, i'll also tell you HOW to make one yourself.
why?
because i'm nice with it, homie. duh.
-
*
SOUR CREME CAKE!
-
that oven better be convectulatin' @ 360℉
-
in your trusty, never-rusty stand mixer, with the whisk attached,
pulp up:
1 stick vegan butter;
1 cup sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/2 cup non-dairy vanilla yogurt;
1/2 cup vegan sour creme ( i still prefer tofutti the most);
1 tsp vanilla.
add:
1 tsp xantham;
1 cup mama's gf coconut flour blend;
1 cup bob's ap gf baking bend;
3 T tapioca;
1/2 cup bob's 1:1 rice based gf flour;
2 tsp baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
3/4 cup non-dairy milk.
whip it as fluffily as you can manage, and spoon it evenly, and level,
into a 9" springform pan.
single layer cakes are for anytime.
that's my theory, and it seems to hold truer than not more often than not.
that's good enough for me, man.
-
bake it for 40 minutes, or until a cake tester comes away clean,
and let it cool completely before you attempt to frost it.
-
and that frosting is a three-stage coffee-based blast of burly strength, neighbors.
truly.
y'got 6 T vegan butts;
1 T vegan creamchee';
a baby pinch of pink salt;
1 tsp vanilla;
1/2 tsp pure coffee extract;
2 1/4 cups powdered sugar;
1/4 cup non-dairy milk-
whisked with your manly mixer until sooooooo aereated and light,
and spread over the top.
now, all the frosting you didn't use?
add it back to the bowl, with 2 T instant coffee,
and 1/2 tsp finely ground espresso beans,
and beat it up all over again.
YEAH!
that's expert, and strong, and delicious, and dope.
no doubt.
hmmm?
well, yeah, those're little candy cuties on top.
rules is rules, and exxxtras are actually just rights in these parts-
the sugar snowflake sprankles just activate the site-specifity of the thing.
we're in the wintry white mountainous white christmassy woodsly goodness,
and i wanna like i'm living', bro.
and that's cool as ice.
***********
i've got stockings EVERYWHERE.
that's real.
if you're on the team, and you're around a lot?
you have a stocking.
crabtree has one,
tron and i have matching ones at the studio,
heck, even weird dylan has one.
that's just how i do it up here.
it's a representation of gratitude and generosity, spirit and memory,
hot fire and lightning and all the other warrior poetic virtues.
it's all really happening, and it's going right into a bunch of giant single socks;
never quiet, never soft.....

SNOWFLAKES!

what? another 'nother SNOW DAY?!
yessir,
we've got precipitation ploppin' down in huge wet gouts of frosty frozen crystal calamity.
y'know what that means, don't you?
uh-huh.
anything could happen.
rules is rules.
and we're already deep into the realm of possibility, as it snows all the effing time up here.
that's real.
the woodsly goodness is getting soaked with slush and snow and sleet and sh!t,
and the big plus to that is the possibilitarian power of snow day magic.
mmmmmmmhmmmmmm.
mostly, though, i just bake a lot.
that's the truth.
check the teleport:

SNOWFLAKES!!!
that's gluten-free chocolate chip melt-in your mouth crissssspy jauns, to be more precise.
and precision wheatless snowflake cookie hottness
is where my sunday morning was the most at ease, if you please.
real talk.
making some cookies made my damned day, duders.
y'want the deets?
aight.
here:
-

SNOWBLOWERS!
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
in a medium-sized metal (aesthetic) mixing bowl, combine:
1 stick vegan butter ( 8 T );
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
3/4 cup brown sugar;
1/4 cup sugar;
once thoroughly creamed, add:
1 cup mama's gf almond-meal flour;
1/3 cup crushed dried unsweetened coconut;
1 cup bob's ap gf baking blend;
1 tsp xantham gum;
2 T tapioca;
1/3 cup gf oat flour;
1/2 pkg mini vegan choco-chips;
1 tsp ea bakey powder and soda;
2 T agave;
1/3+ cups almond-coconut blend s'milk.
-
thoroughly combine to form a slightly-sticky dough,
and roll to 1/4" thickness between two large pieces of parchment, or possibly plastic wrap.
cut your shapes, in this case, the site-specific snowflakes,
and bake them all, evenly arranged on trays, for 11 minutes.
i got 5 dozen, you may get more, or less, it doesn't matter.
they're so crisssssssspy, but they dissolve in your mouth the minute they touch your tongue.
that's expert af, buddy.
for really real.
you can see i hooked 'em up with a little baby bit of ka-powdered sugary spranks
once they cooled. ...and why would i do anything less?
MORE hottness is always welcome here.
a good cookie on a cold wet day is the right answer.
i feel as though i intuitively knew what to do to make the morning better-
and it worked.
-
cookies, though. i bet i tuned up eight or more as the day passed by.
i regret not one bite.
all that good stuff belongs in my F*ing mouth,
and i'm fueled by the power and the perfection of my own process.
i like that.
and i do that.
next up: something with tomatoes.
i'm oven roasting a coupe cups of 'em right now.
sauce? maybe.
for what, though?
i dunno yet.
but, oven roasted tomatoes are rad, and i prefer rad food to bad food always.
*
i've been tattooing a whole lotta dudes.
maybe i'm the dude-tatts guy, now?
if that's what's up, then so be it.
black and grey, and SO many american flags-
it's what i do, now, i s'pose.
there's always cookies to munch up during the breaks, tho, and that helps a lot.
i am grateful as F*, for the record, for the folks coming in to AMPERSAND TATTOO.
it's awesome to go to work with my good friend tron,
and hang out drawing pictures and talking sh!t every day-
plus we got the best hangaround guys in the business, and that's a fact.
i mean, maybe y'all talk about sourdough bread and vegan wheatballz
all the time at your work, wherever that may be;
but up here in the semi-remote woodsly goodness it's a rarity and an anomaly,
so i'm counting all my days as gigantic victories, and that's no joke.
i'm grateful for what's going on,
and i'm trying to stay psyched on tattzappin' all the dudes in the whole world
with half-sleeves of black and grey all day every day.
there are worse ways to make a buck, and i'd prefer not to experience those firsthand;
never quiet, never soft.....

STREETS!

tinier corn tortillas?
i dunno, man.
at first, i wasn't on board.
i mean, they're smaller, which means you should only be able to fit less on 'em,
and that's never invited to the taco party, neighbors.
no way.
but,
i prefer to employ a Positive Mental Attitude,
and when i applied that to these 'street food' sized jauns
i came up with two plus-side effects of using slightly littler circles-
1. they look way fuller, which looks way better.
f'real, nobody likes a skimpy-A* taco, do they? no way.
2. when they aren't as big, you can eat MORE.
that's expert,
because too much is the right amount.
i always want exxxtra tacos, anyway, and now, it's not even weird to increase intake by 50%.
yuuuup, that's my sh!t right there, man.
check the teleport:

TACOOOOOOOOOOOS!!
yeah, kids-
sweet potato, purple brussies, tomatoes, cilantro, pickled jalapeno, fried garlic,
red onion sprankles, and rainbow pepper-packed rice-
oh, and texas-style ho'sauce, too, because i F* with that in these streets, son.
and that's no joke.
simple? sorta.
filling? certainly.
dope? c'mon, kid, what are you? an A*-hole?
don't be dumb....of course they're dope as hell, duh.
-
the rice is fluffy light jasmine long grains,
with minced red, yellow, orange, and poblano pepper,
and little bit of red onion, plus a pinch of very-finely chopped cilantro stems,
and a heavy squeeze of lime to activate any latent hottness still trapped within.
mmmmmmmm.
-
those sweet potatoes? olive oil, and a hot pan, and payed attention.
and a shake of salt and pepper to turn 'em up.
i'm sayin', they're just half-slabs of potato, but they're magic when you add everything else.
-
i got fried garlic sprankles stashed everywhere around
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress, friends.
that's true.
i love 'em, and they come in useful alllll the frickin' time.
just like they were useful this time.
that's a thing.
-
and those brussies?
pan-fried in a 6" pan for five minutes to get 'em a lil crisp on the outer leaves,
before adding a splish-splash of lime and water, and lidding the whole thing
to steam their delicate interiors to perfect softness.
damn, dudes.
that's beautiful.
-
add tomatoes, cilantro, and pickled jalapenos, and you're a F*ing wheatless wizard,
reppin' street-style circular sexxxiness in a sextet for your own single self.
that's how you doo-doo the most awesomeness in taco format,
despite them being slightly diminutive discs.
word up.
***********
the holiday is upon us.
my time is not mine to enjoy.
i've got metallic foil wrappy-wrappin' papers everywhere,
i've got scented tea-light add-in upgrades to my boxes,
and bows like you already knows waiting to activate all of that level-eleven
elevated memory-makin' XI-mas magic, man.
that's what i DO.
but, it takes up a LOT of time, even when you're just getting clickety-clicky
with the internet.
on the ones, the out box is going harder than there is income to allot for that, for sure.
accounting is not as much fun as counting up the tall piles of presents.
y'know?
no shystie piles, bro.
that's not invited to my holiday tree.
if you're about it, be about it,
if you're not, you've gotta get into it or get lost.
rules is rules,
and there's not enough time to waste any on anybody who isn't ready to take it
to the upper decks and outer limits of child-friendly holiday flavor.
be dope, of F* off.
everything else is just noise;
never quiet, never soft.....