Tuesday, December 11

TACOS, BROS!

you don't like tacos?
that's lame.
wait, you like tacos, i'm sure of it.
everybody likes tacos.
they're frickin' awesome.
and if you're even just a little baby bit awesome,
you like tacos.
that's a thing.
i like tacos, A LOT, because my awesomometer goes to eleven,
and that's no joke.
besides, it's tuesday,
and that's as good a time as any to tell all y'all about what i've been up to
getting frisky and fresh in tacotown for taco tuesday
and/or every/any other day, too.
check the teleport:

SOFT CORN TORTILLAS!
they're NOT as good as the soft flour jauns,
but they're still superior to those sh!t-A* shrapnel shells of hard tortilla terror.
i don't like crunchy tacos, bros.
i'm not sorry about it.
ANYway,
i made some gluten-free everything, for my gluten-free breezy baybaymama.
y'feel me?
it's real.
i had refried beans, of course.
with ho'sauce and nootch and GPOP and lots of minced white onion added in
i had olive-oil activated sweet potato hunks.
there's black beans with ho'sauce and hot smoked paprika and GPOP, too.
mmhmm.
MORE beans are what you need on your tacos, kids.
they make you strong.
yeah.
and lettuces (all the fancy ones)
and AVO-F*ING-CADO, because it's the best.
plus tomato, and cilantro, and white onion, and lil red sweet pepper strips.
uh-huh.
that's a lotta stuff, and it's all pretty great.
but, there's also cilantro-lime sour creme on there, as well.
yes- too much is the right amount.
oh, and i just noticed something else-
i also put radishes on 'em!
woohoooo!
i even used some premade jarred salsa, man.
shhhhhh.
i got it for my girlie, but i used some for myself.
i know, right? jar sauce, like WTF?!
ha.
...oh, and limes, of course, because rules is rules.
these aren't complicated at all,
but they taste fancy.
and yes, i obviously toasted my tortillas, buddy-
nobody likes a sad, raw-tasting white corn bummer.
don't be dumb.
-
the thing that's so expert about tacos is that they're always awesome.
simple, rewarding food, in a folded flap.
that's why they're in my top five, for sure.
infinitely customizable, fillable,
and you can chomp down on a whole lot of 'em at once.
that sounds great to me.
how about y'all?
yeah. i'm sayin', they're what we need more often.
*
only difficult tattoos.
yep.
that's what the coming weeks have in store.
the minute that we slow down on the walk-ups and spontaneous zips and zaps,
all the trail-by-fire hard ones come down form the hills-
single-needle straight lines by the dozen,
parallel lines around all the limbs,
scar disguising,
cover-ups in every direction......
luckily, working is so much better than not working,
so i'm taking on all the challengers, and i'm taking my time, and doing it right.
or, at least, i'm doing the best i can with what i'm being given to work with....
december is wild as hell, man.
that's f'real-real;
never quiet, never soft.....

WHITE XMAS!!

so, all the ice that looks like snow is actually slippery, solid, and super-cold.
yeah.
it really appears as a snowy groundcover, but it's all ice all the time.
that's lame.
and dangerous.
especially outside my door.
yup.
it's a hazardous slope of treachery and deceit, dudes.
and there's also a lot of ice!
ha!
i've been representing holiday times the best that i can muster up.
i'm no superhero, but i try to do good according to my ability.
that mostly means i bake things and decorate with pine branches and sh!t like that.
mmhmm.
also,
i get pretty fresh with the chocolate treats.
and sometimes, during white christmastime,
in the white mountains,
i make some radical white chocolate BOOMFIRE for your F*ing face, too.
yeah.
i do.
check the teleport:

THAT'S WHAT'S UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!!!!!
hahahaha.
gluten-free oatmeal cookie magic,
and triple-tone vegan white chocolate on top,
plus seasonally-appropriate snowflakey sprankles.
so kyooooot.
and also,
so gooooood.
here's how to do it at home:
-

GLUTEN-FREE OATMEAL WHITE CHOCOLATE HOLIDAY WEDGES!!
-
grease an 8" cake tin
-
preheat your oven to 350℉
-
in a medium mixing bowl, combine:
1/4 cup sugar;
1 cup gf quick oats;
1 tsp vanilla;
1/4 cup gf oat flour;
1/3 cup bob's gf ap flour blend;
1/4 cup unsweetened dry small-flake coconut.
-
melt 3 T vegan butter, and add that in with
3 T non-dairy milk-
stir it all until it stics together when pressed together,
and push it evenly across your pan, then bake that bad boi for 11 minutes.
it's basically a simple oatmeal cookie piecrust, neighbors.
and it's F*ing tight as heck, too.
-
in a small saucepot, on low heat, melt:
1 cup plus 3 T king david white chocolate chips.
if nobody you know carries 'em, ge 'em online, but get 'em now
because they're dope, dudes, and you won't be disappointed.
add 1/2 tsp vanilla;
2 T powdered sugar;
2 T non-dairy milk, and stir often, to prevent it form getting clumpy.
it's not like regular chocolate- it cools quiclky, so y'gotta work quickly-
pour off the majority over the top of the cookie,
and prepare two teeny bowls with red and green food coloring
(as much or as little as you'd like).
add a big blop of hot, melty white chocolate to each, and stir 'em up for all you're worth-
i did mine one at a time to keep the white choxxx pliable in the bigger pot.
smart? maybe. effective? absolutely.
you see the drizz all over the top, right?
yup.
i bet you can figure it out.
i believe in you, friends, always.
now,
if you acknowledge that that's expert af?
you are a dirty poopmouth liar, and we're not friends anymore.
word.
***********
i haven't started wrapping anything.
nope.
i need to look at all the piles, and estimate the size versus the overall cost
versus the general theme versus the comparable unity of everyone's gifts.
no kids get more than others, because that's effed up.
i do not believe in playing favorites.
i do, however, believe in playing least favorites.
i do NOT let that affect my holiday planning, though-
if you're a part of my life, i care about you-
if you're even one step removed from it?
you do not matter one itty-bitty teensty-tiny teeny-weenie lil baby bit.
parents, partners, kids, and kin, and that's it.
kids first, because chrzzmizz is for the children like wu-TANG.
partner second, because they see you naked, and that counts for something.
and then you see what's left over for anybody else.
it's nothing personal, it's time, money, energy, and ability.
and all of those are always in short supply.
time first and foremost.
it's running away at a full sprint,
and it's almost tomorrow as soon as today starts,
and my todays almost always start while it's still sort of last night.
that's a tight schedule, and it interferes with holiday cheers,
so i'd advise you to come get some vegan white chocolate with me,
and call it good;
never quiet, never soft.....

CHEERFUL!

what's the next thing on the early a.m. to-do list?
holiday treats.
i mean, if i'm gonna be up early taking care of dog and house stuff,
i may as well also activate some holiday treatsy magic for myself while i'm already
milling about in the very deep, dark, wee early hours of the morning.
y'know?
yeah, you do.
so,
in order to get excited, and maybe also please and punish my whole body simultaneously
with a sugary overload of awesomeness,
i made some chocolate bars.
ok. really, and more specifically, i made some gluten-free oatmeal chocolate bars.
neighbors, they're flippin' awesome-
check the teleport:

YEAH!!!!
who needs gluten when you've got this much hottness ready to go?
uh-huh.
and that double-drizzle on top?
that's vegan gluten-free white chocolate, bro.
i got that expert two-tone zone fully stocked with what's dope,
AND i got those big ol' fattie-boombattie sparkly sprankles, too.
word up.
i like them, they're very pretty.
anyway,
i have a 9" square pan, man, and i know how to use it-
you want the recipe for these?
sure.
i got what you need-
-
*
GLUTEN-FREE CHOCOLATE OATMEAL HOLIDAY SQUARES!
-
grease a pan (it doesn't have to be a square, use what you got, 8-9".
-
preheat your oven to 350℉
-
in a medium mixing bowl, combine:
1 cup gf quick oats;
1/4 cup sugar;
1/3 cup bob's gf ap baking blend;
1 tsp vanilla;
1/4 cup unsweetened dry small-flake coconut;
3 T cacao;
1/4 cup gf oat flour.
-
melt 3 T vegan butter,
add it in, with 3 T non-dairy milk, and stir until it forms a crumbly dough,
that sticks together when squeezed.
-
press it evenly into your greased pan, and bake it for 11 minutes, like a cookie.
-
on your stovetop, in a small saucepan, over lowish heat,
melt 3/4 pkg vegan dark chocolate chips;
with 2 T powdered sugar;
2-3 T non-dairy milk;
1 tsp vanilla.
that's your topping ready to go once melted-
spread across the top, it makes these flippin' magnificent, friends.
seriously.
i melted up a few tablespoons of king david's white chocolate vegan jauns,
and piped 'em over the top-
(you could use a spoon, i s'pose, too; i just always clip the corner off a sandwich bag.
i could maybe get a sire-specific purpose-driven baggie, but, i already have sandwich bags,
despite never ever ever using them for sandwiches.)
...so, they get two types of chocolates,
and then the spranks, for good measure.
why?
because too much is the right amount.
and once it was all cooled and set and firm, i cut all those sorta symmetrical
almost equal squares with a metal spatula.
dudes!
these are sweet, literally and figuratively.
on the ones, i don't ever double boil chocolate, ever.
i assume the microwave works, but i don't eff with those, really.
i'm a stove man, m'man.
but really, they're candy and cookie at the same time, and they're molto delicioso all day.
that's the truth.
i sure do like treats, as i've mentioned a LOT, and often.
that's because i like 'em that much, buddy.
*
vegan gluten-free chocolate oatmeal.
so, yeah, that's a thing.
also, unrelated, but very relevant to my personal well-being:
it's been single digits every single morning for like a month.
i'm a very slender fella, folks.
and i'm cold next to a heater with a sweater on.
that's no fun.
i'm frozen. my spidery skeleton hands are nearly numb,
and unpleasant to touch or be touched by.
i don't hate winter.
i don't even hate the dark dark darkness of these dwindling days.
i don't hate the cold.
i DO hate being cold, when i would rather regulate the hot fire from within my heart,
and let that particular flame-spouting cast-iron magma-makin' furnace of fury
keep my extremities a little more comfortable,
instead of just stoking the emotional berserker of my infinite nature.
y'know?
maybe not, but i assure you, there's spitfire and greased lightning locked away in me,
and when it gets loose, i'm positive my fingers and toes will feel much better;
never quiet, never soft.....

Sunday, December 9

BUDDHA TWO, DUH, TA-DAH!

hahahahaha.
MORE bowls of barbarian blops!
a grain, a green, and a bean.
that's what you need to make it right,
and if you wanna get right,
you gotta do it right.
buddha bowls, bros.
that's what i'm on about.
wanna see another one?
ok.
teleport:

AVOCADO!!!
y'like those sesame seed sprankles?
me too.
tricolor quinoa? yup.
that's tight.
spicy hot-saucy smoky hot chick peas?
yes, please.
oven roasted tomatoes, and pearl onions?
sounds great to me.
plus, cukes, carrots, radishes, pea shoots, lettuces, radicchio,
cilantro, and scallion sprankles.
that's how you get powered up like a champion, neighbors.
more of everything expert, and less of the bullsh!t, please.
AVO-F*ING-CADO, though. that's what i needed to turn it up.
uh-huh.
level eleven pig-out status is in effect.
mmmmm.
....and there's tamari glazed brussies,
AND crissssssspy potato wedges.
you better believe that i'm gonna forever get rad on a buddha bowl, bud.
i gotta.
when there's room for MORE, you should always add MORE.
too much is the right amount, and skimping out makes you an A*-hole.
real talk.
AND IT'S GLUTEN-FREE??
of course it is.
my sweet thang has actual celiac attacks, so when we're together,
it's only right that i eschew wheat, and turn up the heat, and add ho'sauce,
and generally make sure we get all the good, and none of the lame.
i'm secretly kind of nice, and i do try to be considerate where applicable.
i like a huge serving of sexxxiness, and that's what i'm making.
it's like a very fancy salad, with verrrry expert everything.
i can hang out with that for a good long while.
but, i eat fast, so it doesn't always take that long,
so i do what i can to improve upon the intensity if not the duration.
of the food, dude. jeez.
don't make it weird.
*
i'm on the treats train to tastyville.
hmm?
i'm making holiday yummies, and i think i'm doing a crackin'-good job at it, i might add.
yeah.
i like a nicey-nice holiday cookie.
and a chocolate or two.
and cinnamon.
and all the good little somethin'-somethin's that make XI-mas go to eleven.
y'know?
yeah, you know.
so, that's where i'm at.
in front of the oven,
full of lovin',
making the specialties of the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
that's how i spend my too-early uneasy-like sunday mornings.
it's all really happening, and it all just happens to contain no wheat,
but an awful lot of sugar.
sweet.
...literally.
ew;
never quiet, never soft.....

BUDDHA!

buddha's got a rotund round mound of a manly midsection.
there are internet rumors that that's where the name buddha bowl comes from.
i can't verify the veracity, but i can sure vouch for a big belly bowl of whole foods.
a heapin' helpin' of hottness, wholly whole and massively portioned?
don't mind if i do, dudes.
check it out:

THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED,
if what you need is to shovel an acre of awesome into your face.
(and i do)
SO many good things, heaped up in a giant pile of pure joy.
mmmmmm.
oven roasted potatoes? that's what you want-
brown and white rice? that's essential to your well being, buddy-
steamy broxxx? greens are good for you always-
purple brussies, with a dash of tamari? yummmmmm-
salady mixed-up green leafies and crawnchy radishes and carrots,
and hot peppers and cilantro sprankles??
that's how you doo-doo the big bowl, bro.
too much is the right amount,
which is why there's also spicy smoky chick peas,
AND exxxtra-lemony tahini dressing as well.
yuuuup.
there's a system here, and it's a template for being terrific and gettin' expert.
a grain, a green, and a bean.
rules is rules.
-
pan-fried brussies in a dab of olive oil, a tablespoon of water, and a lid t steam 'em-
that's easy enough, but then you hit 'em with that wheatless soy, and glaze the grand finale
like a champ.
-
the chick peas are drained, rinsed, and rolled around in a hot pan with GPOP,
smoked paprika, black pepper, texas-style ho'sauce, a dash of nootch, and some salt.
-
the potatoes get roasted at 375℉ until they're golden, laid out on parchment on a baking tray,
with a little pink salt and black pepper.
-
the broccoli is legit just steamed until it;s soft, but still bright.
-
ANYbody can do this, and there's a LOT of it to much up on.
that's the best news of the night, right?
i think so.
-
tahini, lemon, salt, pepper, and that's your dressing-
1 tsp paste, 3 T lemon, a lotta stirring, and some seasonin'.
c'mon.
you know you have the skills to gorge yourself on an epic bucket of big action,
allowing the shark-gluttonous overindulgence to activate all these nutrients.
that's the best part-
it's all good for you, too.
yeah!
MORE food, and MORE flavor, and no bad news....
...until it's all gone and you're sad.
awwwwwww.
***********
i got up hella early today.
just like every day.
all i do all the time is run around.
even when there's down time, it's actually go time.
that's exhausting,
and for some stoooopid reason, my damned dumb-dumb dog needs to be wide-eyed,
up, and at 'em at 4am....
yup,
crabtree is a real early wormy bummer of a battle beast so far this month.
and that's every frickin' morning.
now, i've never really slept very much-
but these cold dark days have got me feeling the need for slumber.
maybe it's escapism, maybe it's depression trying to invade my P.M.A.,
i dunno,
but i do know that when my whole body says sleep, i might wanna listen,
however,
all i hear is this whingey, whiny, weasley little F*er moaning about,
for literally no legitimate reason.
he's too hot? he's too tired? he's a dog, duders,
so i can't tell you what the heck he means when he peals and squeals for an hour,
ruining every single morning with his weak-sauce noises-
but, that's what he does, and that's how it goes.
i don't like it, but i've probably just got to investigate the cause,
rather than resenting the symptoms with exxxxtreme hostility.
uh-huh.
am i smarter than a dirty dog?
time will tell, but right now, the answer is no;
never quiet, never soft.....

Saturday, December 8

PETE SAH!

another pizza?
yeah.
i forgot about this one.
white pie is tight, bro.
that's the truth,
and when it's got all the stuff i like on top?
it's even better.
check the teleport:

PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYY!!!!
broccoli, steamed slightly, seared seriously, and deep green for all the nutrients an' that.
that's good for you.
tapioca chee' blops? yup. that's my current new thing, so i'm workin' it for all it's worth.
caramelized onions AND red onion wedges?
too much is the right amount, neighbors, always and forever.
also, i really like onions, and i recognize that they've got the most flavor....
flavor is key, and flavor is what we want on our pizza, right?
right!
blackened tomatoes? expert!
vegan red lentil seitan sausages??
c'mon, dudes, you know that turns it up to eleven in a flash.
there's also minced daiya mozz and fried garlic sprankles, too.
mmhmmm,
rules is rules.
the dough is where the real awesomeness resides, however.
without a good dough, you're a piece of sh!t,
and you deserve to only ever eat bummer pizza.
...that's real.
this here is a 36 hour jaun, and it's reallllllly frickin' tasty-
-
2 cups flour;
1/2 tsp wheat gluten;
3/4 cup warm water;
4 tsp yeast;
2 tsp salt.
kneaded in your stand-uprighteous mixer, dough hook enabled,
for eleven minutes, and covered, and refrigerated for a sloowwwwww proof....
like,
i made it when it in the morning before work,
and i used it the next night when i got home from work-
that's 36 chambers, yo.
that's pure wu-TANG pizza shaolin kung fu for everybody.
mmhmmm.
i like my oven stones hot as hell, a 480℉ convection selection,
to get the bottom of my dough doper than diablo,
and crisssp, too.
*
pizza will always be invited.
i love it, i need it, i want it, i make it, now, today, tomorrow, forever.
maybe they'll make a good vegan gluten-free crust someday?
i dunno.
maybe that's up to me.
i wanna share pizza with the whole planet, man.
i think it's the universal component to peace and love.
that's just me, though,
and i'm not the authority on any of that;
never quiet, never soft.....

PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYY!!!!!

maaaaaaaaaaan,
i F*ing LOVE pizza.
all the pizza.
all the dough.
all the supersexxxy soul-supreme surefire fresh-to-deathness.
yup.
pee eye zee zee ayy!
that's my thing.
my go-to for greatness for my whole fat F*ing face.
if you ain't about the pizza game,
i truly feel badly for you, son-
i got 999 problems, but a slice ain't one.
last night, i made some sicilian superiority,
on a semi-semolina, cornmeal-enhanced fluffed-the-eff-up square dough, yo.
i did, and it did somethin' special to my senses-
check the muh-fuhh'n teleport:

Y'BOIIIIII!!!!
yeeeeeeeeeah, i know about what's good, guys.
y'see that crust?
it's expert.
you see those fiery 'ronis on top?
neighbors, i got the homemade meatlessness on deck, and goes to eleven.
that's a thing.
crushed tomatoes, caramelized onions, fried garlic sprankles......
rules is rules, and those are the house jauns at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
mmhmmm.
from-scratch stretchy tapioca-tofu chee'? man, if you don't know, y'better try to find out-
in fact, you better ask somebody asap, because otherwise y'all're missing out hard.
...and that's no joke.
real talk,
a good pizza is still the solution to most of what ails me-
for example,
i couldn't call my father and wish him a happy berfday-
i mean, not without a ouija board, anyway,
so instead i compromised, and made a pizza he'd never have eaten,
with vegetables he'd avoided his whole life at all costs,
and somehow, i still felt like i was close to him while i ate-
he talked about pizza as much as i do really-
while he may have had a verrrrry limited palate for the superfancy unnecessariness
of my radical super-elite vegan new hottness,
he could still terrorize a 'well-done', a.k.a slight;y burnt, pepperoni pie.
yeah.
so, this one was for him, but made to actually be so much better in most ways-
that's the move, anyway, isn't it?
to do a bit better than the ones who went first?
i dunno.
but i DO know that a good pizza, especially a sicilano supreme, is the TRUTH.
man,
it had alllllll the right things-
baby spinach on the bottom,
shredded and MINCED daiya mozz-
that's the pro tip:
chop your daiya shreds even smaller, and they'll melt 11x more expertly.
wordimus prime, try it and find out.
then those caramelized onions,
and two fat thiccc stripes of san marzano crushed tomatoes, bro.
don't use sh!tty tomatoes, if you do, you're an A-hole-
did i also activate some seared baby grape tomatoes?
of course i did- too much is the right amount, buddy.
don't be dumb.
then the homestyle tapioca-tofu chee',
and those from-scratch red lentil seitan vegan 'ronis....
the fried garlic came through with flying colors,
followed by a pre-AND-post bake blast of parsley spranks,
and a gentle from-shoulder-height dusting of nootch,
to keep it exxxtra exxxtra.
-
now that you know how it is constructed,
lemme tell you a lil  baby bit about the dough:
-
*
SICILIANO DEPTH!
-
in your indomitably dope stand mixer, withy the dough hook affixed,
knead together:
1 1/2 cups flour;
1/2 cup semolina flour;
3 T fine cornmeal;
1 T vegan butter;
1 pkg regular-actin' yeast;
1 tsp bread-machine yeast;
2 tsp salt;
1ish cup warm water-
knead it all for ten minutes, then shape it into a tight, firm ball,
cover it and refrigerate it for 12 hours-
preheat your oven to 480℉ convection-style,
and stretch your rested dough into an olive-oiled half-pan baking tray,
you know, the 10" x 14" (or whatever they are) jauns,
and let it blossom into fluffy beauty while the oven gets hot.....
how simple is that??
you got it, guys, and you're gonna get it, too.
yes!
*
for those of you who can't scroll through this compendium of recipes,
here's some links for you b!tch-A*:
pepperoni.
and also:
sticky chee'.
you're welcome.
***********
where the heck does the time go???
december 8th?
already?
c'mon, man, take it easy-
it's six degrees outside.
that's cold.
in fact, it's quite a ways below freezing, really.
i'm inside feeling the chill in my drafty domain,
and i've got the oven on, the heat up, and a space heater radiator chugging along
like that little engine that could, only it isn't,
and i'm still cold in a sweatshirt, b.
yup.
it's all really happening, and it's not warm at all.
i guess i look better in layers-
the farther from naked i am, the more approachable i feel;
never quiet, never soft.....

Friday, December 7

OLD MAN WINTER!

so, it's not even officially winter for two more full weeks from today,
but,
it's been flippin' fuh-reeeez-in' for a full month already.
and today?
well, today is the day.
yup,
the sneak-attackin' war-declarin' kamikaze real looloo of a honolulu hotspot....
y'know?
pearl harbor day, a.k.a my dad's berfday.
ugh.
yeah.
so, had the ol' divebomber not checked out in may, exactly seven months early,
he'd have been 69 today (nice)....
that's somethin'.
but, he's gone, and we've got a whole lotta memories, and wild stories,
to keep in our hearts and our heads all day today.
i'll have myself a fire, tonight, i think,
and some pizza, too.
yeah.
i might even walk by the pink-streaky meat department in the supermarket
and horrify myself silly at all of those beloved carcasses, in his honor, later....
it's a cold, windy day,
but the sun is out, and his son is out and about,
and it's all really happening, still,
even though he's opted out of the next phase.
i've got my own kids to inspire with antics and anecdotes,
and i'm gonna phone-bomb the heck outta them all dang day;
never quiet, never soft.....

THAI'GHT!

spicy noods on the go?
you know it.
sometimes, we retrace our steps on familiar ground, and it's a good feeling.
that's how last night went for sure.
i got home a little bit late after a day down in alton, nh-
where i spanned some quality time with quality people,
and had a big fun pillowfightin' wrapping paper party with the kids.
yeah.
i still like kids, neighbors.
i mean, c'mon- kids are cool, and i'm not an A*-hole.
but,
i got home late, and ate dinner late, and needed some spice to fire up my face,
and keep my eyes open while i played around with crabtree.
that's a thing.
if he's ignored for a whole day, he turns into a bratty three year old,
and that's no fun-
a tired dog is a good dog, and i need him to be good, because when he's bad, i'm worse,
and nobody likes that!
therefore,
i needed the new hottness, in my favorite format,
to activate my energy levels back up to eleven.
mmmhmmmm.
i like the spicy noods, dudes.
quick-fast, and in a hurry-
check the teleport:

NOODLES ARE RAD, AND PAD SRIRACHA JAUNS ARE THE TRUTH!!
i started with mixed greenery, pea shoots, purple cabbage, and purple carrots,
plus some radish, and scallion and cilantro sprankles.
that's all nicey-nicely arranged in my big ol' bowl;
meanwhile, in a hot pan, with a scoop of coconut oil,
i crisped up half a block of exxxtra-firm tofu on all sides, to a good golden hue,
and they were, as always,
allowed to brown on every side before flippin' to prevent stickin'.
that's how you do tofu right, man.
-
the sauce?
kid, that sauce is fuego,
and it gave me enough power to wrestle with crabby for an hour!
-
2 T rice wine vinegar;
2 T tamari;
1 tsp sesame oil;
2 T mae ploy sweet chili sauce;
1 T sriracha;
2 T oelek sambal chili garlic paste;
1/2 tsp dried chili flakes;
1/2 tsp GPOP;
11 crax of black pepper;
1/2 tsp ground coriander;
1 tsp fresh cilantro;
2 T lime juice.
^^^^^
if you ain't with that, you ain't in the business of deliciousness.
real talk, that's classic goodness for your face,
and it's gluten free, and it's expert af.
-
so, you got sauce, you got salad, now you need veggies and noodles, and you're good to go-
i had red onion, rainbow bell peppers, broccoli, baby grape tomatoes, carrot,
cilantro stems (minced), and scallion sizzlin' for a short spell in a spoonful of coconut oil,
before i lidded up the pan, added half the sauce,
and let it cook for just long enough to soften the broccoli before it turned a gross color.
that's pretty simple, really, right?
i think so.
boil the noodies of your choice according to the directions provided with 'em,
drain 'em and add 'em to the pan of veg,
toss ALL of that around with the second half of that sauce,
and you're the champion.
fast.
filling.
lip-tinglingly hot.
energizing.
excellent.
that's what's up.
*
december is a week deep into itself.
i'm not succeeding at XI-mas.
i mean, my daughters gave me a list, so that's easy.
the little kids want toys, so that's a no-brainer, obvi.
but all these grown-ups out here are about to get neglected.
not to extent of coal in the toe-tip of their stocking,
but the olden days of overloaded heaps of perfectly presented presents
may be the glory days of yesteryear, guys.
i'm a little torn up about it.
maybe there'll be a miracle?
maybe.
the thing is, it's all really happening,
i just never expected there to be so many changes in one short year.
it's a lot, and i s'pose that's good:
too much is the right amount, right?
i believe it, so i'm gonna move forward with that as my premise.
i must just need to get busier with all the aspects and angles of this season.
there are berfdays coming up, in addition to the presents-day in the present day.
that's MORE to do, and that means i gotta get bigger and better asap.
that's the move, so i figure that means gotta make it;
never quiet, never soft.....

Thursday, December 6

KRAMPUSNACHT!

man,
i wish the krampus would've come through and
set off a whoopin' and a thrashin' last night.
i mean, c'mon, man-
a giant devil with a broom slappin' you silly because you've been naughty?
that's rad.
i'm into it, and i feel as though i would've been in good company
as my legs and arms caught a switchin' from the observant powers of heaven and hell.
yup.
instead, i had a really long phone call, and no cookies.
....wait.....what?
i made cookies, but i gave them to away-
and nothing makes long talks more productive than a handful of cookies.
that's a fact.
cookies make conversations better;
and while i had a whole plateful of the cookies earlier,
that way waaaaay before the chat got underway.
neighbors,
krampus cookies are expert.
and when they're gluten-free, and coconutty, too?
man, that's when you gotta eat a LOT of cookies as fast as you can.
mmhmm.
check the teleport:

GRUS VOM KRAMPUS, BIHHHHHH!
some of you may remember that i made that krampus a little ways back.
i'm not just a real-life documentarian,
vegan epicurean creator and curator,
and a tattblastin' warrior poet.
i also doo-doo that puppetry sh!t, as well.
that's right, friends, i'm over here in the woodsly goodness making some sort of Folk Life,
and i'm willing to share the cookies and the stories with some of you, too.
ha!
here's the rundown of radical gluten-freedom-fighting bakery barbarianism,
as it unfolded in real time here at the morning-glorious Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
-
*
KRAMPUSPLӒTZCHEN!
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
in a medium mixing bowl, combine:
3/4 cup sugar;
1/4 cup powdered sugar;
1/2 cup unsweetened small dry-flake coconut;
1 3/4 cups bob's ap gf flour (chickpea-based);
1/2 tsp salt;
1/2 cup bob's 1:1 gf rice flour;
1 stick vegan butter (8 T);
2 tsp coconut oil;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp xantham;
1/2 cup gf oat flour;
1 T tapioca starch;
cut that all together into a crumbly meal, and add in:
1/2 cup coconut yogurt;
1/3 cup carton-style coconut milk-
stir it, knead it, and make it into a sticky dough-
then get yourself a baking tray, and blop out two dozen small balls,
and bake 'em for 11 minutes.
-
you'll have plenty of dough left-
add 1 T vanilla bean paste, an knead it in-
do the small ball thing again, but flatten 'em a little, maybe,
so you can tell the difference an' that-
bake those, too-
-
and then add 2 T cocoa to whatever's left, and make some chocolate jauns!
that's a lotta cookies, but that's a good thing:
too much is the right amount...
for real.
eat 'em, love 'em, share 'em, ice and decorate and get fresh-to-death on 'em,
but whatever you do,
don't forget that krampus is watching, boi.
it's too bad you can't fill in a sign-up sheet with candidates for a threshin'.....
i'd fill my own name in the first three slots, for sure.
a good old fashioned A*-kickin' in the name of XI-mas?
i'm so ready already;
never quiet, never soft.....

Wednesday, December 5

EGGPLANT!!!!!!!

man, i F*ing LOVE eggplant.
on the ones, it's the best, and when i'm gonna do it,
i gotta overdo it.
i mean, c'mon- rules is rules.
and the number one rule with eggplant?
too much is the right amount.
mmhmmm.
so, eggplant sandwiches are here, and they're large and they're in charge,
and they're really molto expert, too.
check the teleport:

MELANZANE!!!!
yup.
dylan came over, because he's an aubergine-head as well,
and we both took down a massive manly sandwich
on a homemade slab of fresh-baked bread.
word.
the vegan stretchy chee'? from-scratch.
the breading? so tight.
the sauce? homemade tastes better, always.
neighbors, this sh!t right here is the TRUTH.
just look at this:

YES. .........ALL THE YES THAT EVER YESSED, Y'ALL.
that's level-eleven off-the-charts hottness, homeboy.
-
le,,e tell you about those buns-
-
*
BUNZO DELUXXXO!
-
in your stand mixer, combine:
1 3/4 cups a.p. flour;
1/4 cup semolina flour;
2 tsp salt;
1 tsp sugar;
1 pkg regular actin' yeast-
with the dough hook attached, knead that up with:
2 T olive oil;
3/4 cup warm water w/ 1 tsp bread machine yeast.
beat that up on lowish speed for ten minutes,
cover it and let it rise until double in size ( i refrigerated mine all day while i worked)
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
shape three long logs of luscious loafism on a baking tray,
and allow them to rise thirty or more minutes-
brush a splash of melted vegan butter on each, and score the tops,
before baking them roughly 20 minutes, turning twice to allow for maxxximum browning
and ultimate fluffed fresh-to-deathness to dominate your kitchen.
das IT.
*
the sauce?
man, i had two cups of tomatoes roasting at 400℉ until blackened.
huh?
yeah. i had that going on just in case i needed to get expert on some sauce.
good thing, right?
i know.
-
*
THICCC SAUCE!!
-
in a 1 quart sauce pot, in 1 T olive oil, saute:
1/4 cup sweet onion, minced;
2 T minced shredded carrot;
3 cloves garlic;
2 cups blackened baby grape tomatoes;
pink salt, black pepper-
when the onion browns at the edges slightly, add:
1 heaped T tomato paste;
1 T nootch;
1 T white wine vinegar;
1 T tamari-
cook for three minutes on medium heat,
then add:
1 1/2 cups crushed tomatoes;
1/2 cup warm water;
1 tsp ea GPOP;
thyme, sage, rosemary, basil, oregano, parsley.....
dudes,
just let it simmer on low-low until it's lookin' thick af,
then put a lid on it and relax.
it's ready.
and it's gonna be so good.
homemade sauce is the way to heaven.
jar sauce is NOT
*
the chee'?
dudes, i might've marginally effed up.
uh-huh.
next time? no turmeric.
that sh!t is yellow and that's not what i wanted at all.
-
otherwise it's so rad, and the recipe goes like this:
-
*
TAPIOCA-TOFU STRETCHY CHEE'!
-
i your food processor or high speed blender, puree:
1/2 block undrained silken tofu;
1/4 cup tapioca;
1 T lemon juice;
3 T nootch;
1 tsp ea. Garlic Powder Onion Powder;
pink salt;
2 T olive oil;
1/4 cup water.
smash that into a slurry,
and stir the heck out of it in a small pot on high heat until it's one stretchy, sticky mass.
that's all you gotta do, and you get all the goodness from like, two steps of effort.
expert.
*
there's parsley sprankles on my sandwiches.
i like a little spritzle of fanciness-
there's a lotta radicchio and spinach, too.
y'know i want leafies on my sandwiches for all the nutrients-
and carmies?
maaaaaaan, come ON-
thickness is the key here, bro.
fat strips of slippery caramelized onion are the super-activator.
...that's flavor for your F*ing face!
and that's how you make it magical.
but,
it's the eggplant that exxxplodes with excellence-
yup.
molto melanzane in full effect-
slices of small italian eggplant >1/4" thick,
salted, rinsed, and dredged in eggless batter,
before getting breaded like a F*ing champ-
mmmmmmmmm.
yo, dudes, you don't know, but you should learn a little-
1 cup of soy milk,
1 T chai/flaxseed meal, bloomed in there,
salt, black pepper, and 1 tsp chickpea flour for the juicy juice that affixes the crOmbles.
-
then,
gluten-free rice crispies,
organic non-GMO cornstarch,
chick pea flour;
oregano, nootch, black pepper, crushed red pepper, GPOP,
and, if you're feelin' wild, cornflakes, all crushed up to a fine crumbly grist,
and stuck fast to both sides of each flap of purple circular superiority.
-
i fry mine for a few minutes on each side in huge pan with lots of vegetable oil-
i like 'em crissssssp, son, to counteract all the sauce and chee' they'll be loaded with,
before i bake those badboiz in the same oven i baked the bread in moments earlier-
how long?
until it's finished.
ha.
...yup.
they sizzle, and they look better,and they smell amazing-
you'll know what to do when it's time.
hot fresh bread, hot fresh sauce-embossed chee'-stacked eggplant,
and all that other stuff,
all loaded together and exxxploding with amazingness in your mouth.
huge sandwiches are the best.
and i miss sandwich week.
i do.
and it's been a minute since the last one,
but we're still nine MORE months away from the next one.
i gotta get it poppin' in between, broski.
that's a thing.
this helped.
i may need another soon, though.
there's never enough sandwiches, and that's no joke.
i am psyched to have my table set with sumptuous feasts,
i am psyched for the intuitive cooking skillset i employ,
i am grateful for the time i have been given,
and i'm ready for tonight's dinner already;
never quiet, never soft.....