'GOONS!

today is the day.
the big four-oh for my good buddy travis,
a.k.a vegan-magic-time, a.k.a. @vegan_magic_time!
yup.
he's a good dude,
and he makes good food,
and the other night, here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,
he fired us up a big ol' from-scratch batch of these:

MANGO-TOFU-CREAMCHEE' RANGOONZ!
with a mango-peach jam-dipping sauce!!!
do you have instagram?
do you like recipes for vegan stuff?
have you ever even HAD rangoons?
because you need to go follow him, and see what he does,
and find out how to make these-
they're on there, in detail, and they're dope af.
here's the thing:
expert recognize expert,
and everyone else is whack.
neighbors,
t-pipes is a solid one.
here's a sincere hope his berfday ain't the worst day.
real talk.
***********
aaaaaaaaand peace out to july!
it's about to be august, and that's definitively impressive.
i'm ready.
are y'all ready?
y'better get ready, already;
never quiet, never soft.....

FALAFEL PIZZA FTW!

some of you may say i eat too much pizza.
well, i say, F* all y'all.
too much is the right amount,
MORE pizza is all anybody has ever needed to make a mediocre day more magnificent,
and to magnify a mostly magical day into an even MORE majestic one-
dudes,
i did eight tattoos yesterday. and only five of them were smaller.
that's not an easy sunday of leisure, by any measure-
and in addition,
i somehow double booked two groups of matching tattoos for the same time.
and by somehow, i mean, i just do that like once a month.
uh-huh.
so,
i was busy busy busy- and the albie rock show was loud, fresh, and hard af,
the whole damned day, with pursed-lip percussive pronunciation spitting hot lava
across all the effin' hours of the entire day.
i needed something special.
i needed something heroic.
i needed something expert.
and leave it to dylan to suggest something less weird than usual,
and more awesome than we thought it'd be.
yup.
FALAFEL PIZZA:

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!!!
my two most favoritest things, having a sexxxy-time overlap in the oven.
a from-scratch, homemade, off-the-cuff onslaught of new hottness,
and we had a whole lotta lusciousness prepared in under and hour and a half,
from a cold start at the jump-off.
yeah, it was a lot to undertake after taking on a massive attack of a workday,
but, it was worth every iota of extra effort.
y'all ever had pizza?
it's DOPE.
how about falafel?
uh-huh- also DOPE.
but when your chick peas get spread eag' on the sesame crust of baked flatbread?
man, y'all ain't ready for this much good stuff.
really.
it was a triumph in all the ways.
-
y'gotcher crust, first of all, while the oven was preheating to 480℉.
-
*
FALAFEL PIZZA DOUGH!
-
in your dough-hookery stand up mixer's bowl, knead:
2 1/3 cups a.p. flour;
2 tsp salt;
1 tsp sugar;
3 T vegan sour cream;
1 T two-tone toasted sesame sossamon seeds;
3/4 cup warm water, w/ 2 tsp bread machine yeast, bloomed with a glug of agave, 5 minutes.
knead all of that up for 11 minutes, cover it,
and let it rise while we get all the other other ingredients together-
-
other ingredients:
there's 2 1/2 cups of shredded baby spinach;
7 chopped pepperoncini pickled peppers;
1/3 cup pickled jalapeno slices;
1/2 small red onion, slivered;
1/2 cup sliced baby grape tomatoes;
fried garlic sprankles
(rules is rules, even when you go rogue, you go garlic, bro);
-
and those are just the pre-bake bits.
there's post-bake jauns, as well.
-
but first, you need falafel balls y'all.
mmmhmmmm.
here'show THAT happened:
-
*
FALAFZZZZ!
-
in your food processor, which i know you have;
...and if you don't, you're going out to get, immediately, combine:
1 15 oz can drained chick peas;
1/2 small sweet onion;
3 huge cloves roasted garlic;
1/3 cup scallion greens;
1/2 cup fresh parsley;
1 punch cilantro;
1/3 cup chick pea flour;
black pepper, cumin, ground coriander seed, GPOP, sumac, to taste;
1 T lemon juice;
2 T olive oil.
pulse that all until it's a coarse crumble that sticks together when squeezed.
that's the way to doo-doo it.
now, ball it up into little bitty 1/2" balls, and let 'em hang out for a minute
while you take the next step:
in a tall-walled 8" pan, heat up 1/4" deep vegetable oil,
until it's furiously hot-
and add those falafels to it so that they get good and brown,
while you roll 'em around gently to make sure they're all cooked up.
that's YUM4TUM, y'bum.
truth.
let 'em leach that oil off on a paper towel or two post-fry, too.
we don't need any exxxtra grease on our pizza, pal.
*
NOW,
the dough should be doubled, and as always, i start it on my seasoned steel pan,
with a little olive oil to keep it mobile on the bottom.
stretched out in an oval, with some thiqqqness intact, i dropped all the pre-bake toppings
across the surface, then the falafel balls,
and baked it with like, three turns to brown up that crust,
before dylan used the peel, and finished it directly on the pizza stones
that steady stay hot in my oven at all times.
that's the pro move, neighbors.
-
and once it was out of then oven?
there's even MORE sh!t that goes into this bad b!tch, buddy-
chopped baby dill pickles?
THAT'S THAT SEXXXXY SH!T!!
and sriracha?
c'mon.
don't be a baby- ho'sauce is how the real ones doo-doo falafel properly.
look:

F* YEAH, FALAFEL PIZZA IS MY HERO!
is that homestyle exxxtra lemony tahini?
you bet your A* it is-
drizzles are key.
AND,
there're sumac sprankles on top of THAT too.
too much IS the right amount-
and when both of your favoritest most bestest bits are voltron'd into one thing?
if you aren't happier, you're the worst.
that's a fact.
***********
i worked too hard.
i cooked too hard.
i walked crabtree so much.
it all unfolded for far too long,
and by dark's deep depths, i was destroyed.
then, my phone and internet and subsequently ALL power and service
at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress went missing for a while-
was i abducted?
was there a reset to the program?
did falafel pizza upset the delicate balance of energy in the universe?
is the woodsly goodness even good anymore?
man, i don't know.
but i woke up in the night with a full bellyhole,
and a full blackout of all electrical everything,
and i think that was directly linked to the best sleep i've gotten in a month.
uh-huh.
shoutouts to wipe-out technological failures for letting me hit the REM jaun.
tight.
i'm back on track.
i'm back on the attack.
i'm ready for the next phase of summertime activities.
who'd have guessed one epic pizza and a good night's sleep
could make everything seem so much brighter?
this is it.
today is the day.
i'll be phone-callin' all the handiest manliest mans an' them,
and gettin' this show on the road.
it's ALL really happening the way it's supposed to;
never quiet, never soft.....

CREPES, CREEPS.

i made crepes, dudes.
i did.
vegan chick-pea crepes.
they were really effin' good, too.
and all the stuff i stuffed inside 'em made my whole face feel better,
after stern looks and clenched jaws dominated the latter half of my day.
i'd like to give a shoutout to no-call no-show appointments,
and the weekend weak-sauce that that boils up in my raging, stormswept,
savage, blood moon lunatic berserker heart....
nothing ruins a great day more than human inconstancy, man.
luckily,
i'm reliably motivated to make moves where i see 'em,
and in this instance, as is often the case, dinner was the defining savior of a runaway day.
yeah.
chick pea crepes, and tofu scrambo, and mushrooms, and collard greens,
and cauliflower, tomatoes, and radicchio, too.
F* yes, that saved the day.
check the teleport:

WOOOOORD!
now, i will admit i used real flour as well as chick pea flour,
but, i'm definitely gonna try this with bullsh!t gluten-free flour, to see if it'll still be as tight.
i hope so, because i know somebody who'd LOVE this the most...if it was a little lamer.
ha.
ANYway,
look at how flippin' TILTY these jauns are:

C'MON.
if you hate that, you're wrong.
even the mushrooms are dry, and fresh, and a little salty, and 0% slimy.
that's how you do it, when you're an expert.
mmhmmm.
pan fried, thick-cut baby chestnut-sized brown mushrooms,
dry-fried and lightly pink salted in a HOT pan,
flipped, barely olive oiled, and browned to perfection....\
how long does that take?
until it's finished, b.
variables will make it an unpredictable process,
but perfectly brown is an observable quality, so, like, use your eyes, guys.
...righteous.
-
the cauliflower went into that same pan once the mushrooms were removed.
and the collards went over the top of that,
and a fat splash of water sizzled an steamed i across the superheated surface,
while a lid trapped it all, and cooked those brassicas to a firm, yet soft, delectability!
that's a thing.
now, this much fresh, loud, hottness if often experienced only by the luckiest few.
last night, it was experienced only by me.
yup.
that's how it goes, bros.
four fat af flaps, filled to the limit, all for me.
too much is the right amount, right?
right!
that tofu scrambo was the TRUTH, too-
a little pink salt, a heavy punch of GPOP and another one of nootch,
tons of black pepper, a quarter of a red onion, minced,
a glug of olive oil, and half a block of exxxtra-firm tofu.....
neighbors, when those jauns start to get a baby bit browned on the bottom?
that's when you've hit the jackpot.
tofu and things, with that goodness that makes you say: oh my goodness??
wu-TANG, kid, you've made it, and you're better off for the effort.
mmmmm.
tomatoes and radicchio ribbons keep it fresh.
don't ever skip the sprankles, bruh.
rules is rules.
*
the true star of the show, the scene stealer, the big deluxxxe exxxtra-sexxxiness,
the breakout big action activator, of course, was the crepe situation.
duh.
without those, this would've been less fun to eat.
yup.
crepes are rad.
and easy.
and very tasty, too.
that's a triple threat.
...and here's how you too can make a batch-
-
*
CREPES, CREEPS!
-
in a quart sized mixin' bowl,
combine:
1/2 cup flour;
1/3 cup chick-pea flour;
1 T egg replacer powder;
1 T ground chia-flax blend;
1 tsp sugar;
1 cup non-dairy milk;
1/4 cup warm water;
salt, black pepper, to taste.
stir it up to remove any lumps, and let it rest,
so all those non-eggs can start pretending to be binding agents.
in a very hot pan, with jussssssst the babiest bit of oil/cooking/spray/ whatever,
pour a spoonful into the center, lift the pan,
and swirl your (hopefully) very liquidy batter around the hot-A* surface, \
so that you've got the thinnest pancake you ever did see....
when the top is totally dry, flip it over for 30 more seconds, and BOOM,
just like that, you're a suppertime superhero.
yup.
-
i should really take process pictures,
but i'm actually kind of busy MAKING the F*ing things,
and i'm also all alone most of the time, so it's a little bit harder,
without growing a few more arms,
to document everything and do everything, as well.
boo-hoo, right?
i know. poor me, eating like a king every day.
waaaaahhhhhh.
***********
there's something about fresh-baked bread.
i don't need all these loaves.
i really don't.
but, i keep making them anyway.
i HAVE to.
it smells so good.
it feels so good.
it makes the day better when there's hot, crusty, lusty, live-cultured, natural,
wild-fermented sourdough delights dominating the morning landscape.
that's real.
i make things, always.
sometimes, nature helps, and that assures victory forever.
yeah.
nature wins.
even when it's a wild werewolfen exacerbation sensation....
she's got her eyes on the prize, guys.
and the prize, apparently, is active participation, immersive involvement,
and worthy warrior poetry in motion.
making, baking, breaking....it's all really happening,
and that's the whole point.
all of the things, all of the time, MORE and better,
from the first to the last of it, the whole and not the half of it-
i'm here in the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress destroying and creating in the same breath.
i'm positive a hot slice of bread will improve the entire experience,
and i aim to prove it in just a bit;
never quiet, never soft.....

BLOOBZ FOREVER!

it's blueberry season, dudes.
mmmhmmm.
nature is providing allll the ripe ones,
and everywhere you go, there's crates and boxes and acres of 'em
all waiting for you to scoople 'em up and start munchin'.
i'm with that, man.
for real.
i love a good bloober.
i mean, they're inevitable in this climate.
and when there's a surplus, there's a call to arms of sorts to make do,
and use 'em up, before the moment passes and they're gone for another 'nother year.
yeah.
fresh blueberries are what we have to work with,
so we're working out what we wanna do with 'em-
check the early-morning pastry-type teleport:

GALETTE ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT IT!
homemade rustic pastry;
blueberries everywhere;
vegan dark chocolate chips;
and raw cacao paste to black-bottom this big booty b!hhh.
hahaha.
that's a thing.
alright.
so, y'start with the dough, because that's where you do that-
-
*
D'OH!
-
in a medium metal mixing bowl, for all the aesthetics, cut up:
1 stick vegan butts;
3 T vegan creacmhee';
3 T sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
2 cups flour;
1/4 tsp salt.
when that's a crOmbly mess,
gently stir in very cold non-dairy milk, 1 T at a time,
until the whole mixture stays clumped together when squeezed.
sticky, but not wet, crOmbly, but not dry- it's a process, and it's got a lil bit of feeling in there,
but once you get it right, you've got it down pat for life.
wrap it and refrigerate it for an hour, or a day, or two.....
i made mine the day before, and then ran out of time to make treats in the hours work.
it happens.
lucky for me, i get up early every day, so i'm not missing out on any opportunities
for lack of alert attendance and attention, at least.
uh-huh.
so i preheated my oven to 400 luscious fahrenheit degrees.
and while that was going up in temperature,
i rolled out the dough to 1/4 inch thickness, and divided it in half,
all on a well-floured surface.
a loose circle of rolled dough is all you need to get started,
and that is exxxactly what i now had on hand to make the magic happen.
and that's where the cacao paste comes into play.
-
*
MUDBUTT!
-
3 T powdered sugar;
1 heaped Tablespoon raw cacao;
1 T raw cacao  butter, microplaned;
1/2 tsp vanilla;
1 T non-dairy milk +/-....
that's all you need, man.
and you swirl it all up, and spread it all out on that dough, bro.
-
then, there's like a cup and a half of big, fat, swole-up juicy bloobz,
and a handful of chocolate chips.....
and you can see the pleated fan-fold that the edges get ,
to enclose the goodies inside-
and that's when you make it pretty.
yup.
what do you do with the other half of the dough?
you do braids, neighbors.
uh-huh.
braids make it look fancy, and they also mean that there's MORE pastry on there.
....guys, that's a good thing-
MORE pastry is better for everybody.
duh.
bake it for twenty or so minutes, until it looks goldish, and then let it cool a bit.
i know, you wanna eat it right away, right?
riiiiight.
well, maybe make two of them, then?
because the powdered sugar sprankles will melt immediately on a hot one,
and you need the powdery sugar jauns on top.
you really, really do.
rules is rules, fools, don't skip out on the kaPOWder.
it's good for you.
***********
at some point i'll actually have to take time off, and do all these dumb things.
and honestly, i'm under the gun, and riding around on a ticking timebomb of
tempestuous tasks that need tending to.
there's a lot of little tensions tightening up, to the point of attenuation-
and when they snap?
well, all this pent-up blood moon murder, and full-silver-circled werewolfen
anthropomorphic animus anima are gonna spill out over the edges
of my own white-knuckled self-control,
and i'm gonna have myself a good ol' fashioned tantrum.
hmm?
oh, there's no doubt that that will accomplish nothing of any positive consequence;
which is hardly the point, is it?
there's a boiling ocean of obligation just waiting to crash past the damned dams
of reserved composure,
and eff up my resolute new year's lunar initiative.
y'know?
it's fine, guys. really.
pressure cookers are designed to blow off steam,
and still get everything done under the hottest, tensest conditions.
so, i'll still shave hours off of the projected timeframe,
but a little freakin' the eff out may be what i need to do to keep moving forward.
the moon has got me pulled towards blood, love, and rhetoric-
it's all blood, really.
as those of you who know were already aware.
so, get ready, because it's coming up quickly,
and it's all really happening,
so the sequence is set in stone,
and the same nature that made all those delicious berries
put a plan in place for destructive creation and creative destruction,
back and forth and back again,
with room for howling and gnashing and eating all y'all up like a muh-fuhh'n wild thing.
that's the truth as it exists for this weekend;
never quiet, never soft.....

PESSSSSSTO !!!

duders,
la peste was a great book,
and it was written by a guy named albert, which is pretty cool.
but,
PESTO is something else entirely; and arguably, it's even better-
and it was also made by a guy named albert,
which also happened to be pretty cool.
and also, it means paste, not plague, and that's something to make a note about, too.
yep, basil sauce for something special.
i had thai tuesday, so thai thursday was not necessary.
(although thai fry-day may be what happens tonight,
in honor of the fullest werewolfen summertime moon)
so, what do i do when i do what needs doing,
and there's more basil than the plant can handle?
i make a pesto pizza with potatoes.
clearly, that's the right answer neighbors, and while i prefer being right over being happy,
a pesto potato pizza makes me BOTH.
also, there's plenty of other sh!t poppin' off on this pie, too,
because too much is the right amount.
and that's WORD.
check the teleport:

YO, KID, THAT'S THE TRUTH.
all the elements of elite level-eleven expertism on one right-on buttery-crusted surface.
here's a little insight into the square pizza preference at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
y'ready?
ok- i have this one perfectly-seasoned super-sexxxy steel baking tray from the fifties.
it's big, it's metal, and it's a rectangle.
so, when i make a pizza, and i want the most pizza, i stretch it to the edges of the tray,
and that's a right-angled situation, so that's where the form dictates the function.
see?
i like a classic roundie, and don't think i don't for even a second-
but i can make a bigger better jaun if i take it to the limits of the surface area.
and MORE pizza is the only quantity i'm effing with, man.
the dough? expert.
the pesto expert.
the double potatoes? man, you already know...
and that tempeh bacon? yup, you guessed it: expert.
everything was working together, and all of it built a better pizza, buddy.
that's real talk.
....
here's what went into that pesto:
-
*
ALBERT CAMUS!
-
in your indispensably util food processor, pulverize:
1/3 cup toasted sunflower seeds;
1/4 cup olive oil;
1/2 cup parsley;
1/4 cup scallion greens;
3 cloves lightly-sauteed barely-browned garlic;
1/4 cup nutritional yeast;
1 T lemon juice;
2 cups freshly-plucked basil leaves;
pink salt, black pepper, GPOP, all to taste;
2-3 T water, to thin it as necessary.
-
that's all, y'all.
just pulse it up, scrape it down, and repeat, until it's perfectly pureed.
that's pesto in one bow in one shot.
boom.
you're a miracle.
*
and the dough?
i went fluffy, and fresh, and focacciaish just to keep it summery:
-
*
SQUARE BOMB DOUGH!
-
in your uprighteous stand-up stand-alone mixer,
with the dope dough j-hook attached, knead together:
1 cup semolina;
1 cup + 3 T high-protein bread flour;
1 1/2 tsp sea salt;
1 tsp sugar;
1 pkg regular ol' yeast;
4 T vegan butter;
3/4 cup warm water, with 1 1/2 tsp bread machine yeast, and 1 glug of agave, bloomed.
give it ten minutes in the mixer,
and let it rise while your oven preheats to 480℉ on convection.
you're gonna be psyched at this combo, bro-bro.
i promise.
let it rise 30 minutes, stretch it on your preferred pan-
(i've got the awesome one i always brag about ready to go with a glug of olive oil)
and let it finish a second bulk rise on there, before you add the toppings.
***********
those toppings, too, dudes!!!
sweet potatoes, pan-seared in a little baby bit of oil.
-
and red-skin-on potatoes, sliced and salted, and gently GPOP'd
and baked, on parchment, in the preheating oven, just until barely golden-browned.
...perfecto deluxxxo.
mmmm.
-
blackened tomatoes? don't mind if i doo-doo that freaky sh!t.
i had the pan from the garlic for the pesto ready already,
so i tossed those sliced grape tomatoes, cut-face down into the infused oil, and let 'em char.
THEY'RE F*ING AWESOME, NEIGHBORS, and you probably want some for yourself.
.....so make 'em, it's literally like two steps and two ingredients. c'mon.
-
how about those red onion strips? you need 'em, or your pizza will suck balls.
if you don't like onions, you're defective.
if you're allergic? same thing, only i'm slightly sorry i called you a name.
but seriously, onions are where the flavor lives.
so, go there, and get flavored, and be a better version of yourself for the effort.
for real.
-
that's a LOT of stuff, isn't it?
with the pesto on there,
AND the daiya mozzarella, minced for superior meltability,
it's already a big deluxxe one-
but then, there's also all those things, AND tempeh bacon.
mmmmhmmmm.
homemade hottness for your whole hungry face...
look at this big boi:

COME ON, BRUH.
and here's the best part-
after it came out of the oven?
radicchio ribbons, and basil flower tip sprankles freaked it off.
AND fried garlic sprankles, because rules is rules, fools.
that's that good thang.
seriously,
if you're making pizza, y'gotta do it right, otherwise, you're just some amateur A*-hole.
...nobody likes that.
***********
holy sh!t.
i thought i was gonna go home and do important homeownery things-
instead, i did some weirdie family tattoos for a trio of molto nice folks.
guys,
it's like i can't not work.
and that's gotta change, and soon.
a more effective and efficient use of my time at work and at home.
also,
i slept only a little baby minute before work, so i was really free-flowing
freestyle downhill powered exclusively by gravity's pull-
so, there's that, too.
it's kind of a miracle i was even awake at all, let alone tattzappin' and entertaining,
and pizza making and dog walking and all the things that i was doing-
and when i finally fell asleep? it was on the floor, nowhere near the bed.
yup.
passing out is what i do, dudes.
if i stop moving, i stop completely.
and that's a whole other 'nother thing that needs to be addressed.
i'm maybe spread a little thin, and could use a bit of bulking up.
i s'pose that's the next step in this great big new and exciting journey
into full-frontal family-style actual adulthood.
i'll get to it after i get this galette into the oven.
oh, what?
you thought i was gonna be a weak lazy lil bihhhhhhhh? that's not me.
i got blueberries and chocolate and pastry all ready to get combined like voltron, bruh.
just because there isn't any reserve energy left in the backup tank,
that doesn't mean that i'm gonna miss out on the good stuff.
i'm creating power straight outta nothing,
and besides, my homeboy travis is coming by tonight,
so being tired is not going to work for me during this meeting of the worthiest werewolves.
it's all really happening, and MORE of it is all there ever is;
never quiet, never soft.....

GFCCPBCAC

gluten-free chocolate chip peanut butter chocolate almond cookies.
yup.
because too much is the right amount,
and if you've already gotta use eighty-three different flours
to make what you want to make seem like it's what you'd rather be eating,
then why not go full-bore full-steam-ahead on all the exxxtras, too?
right?!
you know it,
check the brown-on-brown-type teleport:

THEY'RE PRETTY.
i'll say that for sure.
and honestly, i don't give a F*, because these jauns are still pretty damned good,
especially without a recipe and without a plan of attack.
ha.
you want a recipe?
i have one, kinda.
you might wanna tweak it to your own designs, since i made it up and crossed my fingers...
you can still have it, just keep in mind that i'm not a glutenless genius just yet.
you've been warned.
-
*
CHOCOLATE CHIP CHOCOLATE PEANUT BUTTER ALMOND CIRCLES!
-
preheat your oven to 350
-
in a medium mixing bowl, combine:
1 cup sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 stick vegan butts;
2 tsp vanilla;
2 tsp almond extract;
3 T cacao powder.
mix completely, then add:
1 cup almond flour;
1 cup rice-based tapioca-laced 1:1 gf flour;
1/4 cup tapioca;
1/2 cup peanut butter;
1 cup dark chocolate vegan chips;
1/2 tsp xantham gum;
1/4 cup chick pea flour;
1 tsp baking soda;
1 tsp baking pow-powder;
stir and squish and begin to combine,
then add almond milk, 1 T at a time, upwards of 4-5 T,
to form a cohesive and crumbly but still-sticks-together dough.
mmhmm.
roll that out onto a flat, clean surface, and cut yourself out alllllll of the 2" circles.
i got 40 or so from this one batch.
bake 'em for 13 minutes on baking sheets,
and transfer them to a wire rack to cool before icing....
here's the thing-
gluten free sh!t isn't as good as gluten-full sh!t.
unless it kills you to eat it, in which case, you get the not-as-goods.
and, i guess it's sort of a tradition to make it all really sweet,
in order to overcompensate for how not-as-expert they are.
i didn't know that, but now i do.
weirdly, i glazed 'em up without that inside info, and that was a pretty smart move.
-
2/3 cup kapowdered sugar;
3 T peanut butter;
1/2 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp almond exxxtract;
and splashes of non-dairy milk, added and stirred a lot, to reach a drizzlable consistency.
that's a thing.
i'm forever drizzlin', dudes.
that's just how it's done.
-
***********
the garage is leaking.
uh-huh.
it's been an ongoing struggle, for years, with the A*-hole deck on top of the garage.
and under the deck, there's a roof that isn't holding up it's end of the deal.
of course, i need the garage to be dry, because the back rooms of the house
are chock full to the brim with all the perishable art supplies and printed materials
that'll all quickly sh!t the bed and decompose to some great degree
in the levels of ambient moisture currently inside the garage.
oh, don't worry, it's been a deluge for days, so it's especially flooded.
....as is my basement.
huh?
well, no, that's from the water heater doing something terrible.
unrelated, except for all the water.
-
back to the back rooms and the garage-
the back rooms need clearing out to make room for actual inhabitants.
that's a priority, as time is of the essence at the moment.
but, where do i put everything if there's water everywhere?
i dunno, man.
so, progress is presently halted.
also, i need a plumber, and not just for the water heater-
i have three bathrooms, and something is effed up in every single one of 'em.
more inhabitants means more butts, and more butts need more bathrooms.
that's a thing.
-
how much stress is that?
eh.
it's sort of a lot.
but, at least it's all also underwater, right?
like,
who wouldn't want the added degree of difficulty
that several sorts of water hazard invite?
it's all happening, but this morning,
it just looks so much more grim for all the sunshine that's been hidden for days;
never quiet, never soft.....

GFCC!

so, for starters, i asked, 'what the hell do these dudes even like?'
-
here's the context-
i was to attend an informal dinner for the benefit and discomfort of all parties involved.
wherein, i might add, i was making the meal, in an unfamiliar kitchen,
with unfamiliar tools, for an entire unfamiliar family,
up to and including dessert.
so, the guy, reed, whom i relied on for insider insight, says, 'make an old person thing'.
and i say, 'why would i do that?'...
and then he says, 'because they're old and that's what they like'.
guys,
i don't know what old people like!
but, i know what i like, and i'm not what anybody would call young....
which is why i made what i wanted, and took a shot at gluten-free coffee cake.
yup.
that's right.
it was the best attempt so far.
actually gluten-free.
actually moist.
actually still intact throughout the baking and transporting process.
and, the best part? streusel.
c'mon.
obviously,
y'can't have a coffee cake worth a sh!t without some crOmbly streus' on top.
rules is rules.
that's real.
so, old or young, i've got what we want, and i brought it with me to the party.
check the teleport:

NICE, HUH?
i thought so.
anyway, old people in new hampshire don't really like coffee cake?
that's what i was told.
however,
everybody ate the heck out of this one, so i'm assuming i still made the right call.
with a couple of pints of plain non-dairy coconut milk vanilla bean unsweetened ice cream?
y'boi was servin' it up a la mode, man.
i'm no chump in the dessert realm, and i know that ice cream makes most treats better.
like, it even makes ice cream better, because who doesn't want MORE ice cream?
i'm just sayin'.
the cake was a hit.
here's what went into it's creation:
-
* 
GLUTEN-FREE COFFEE CAKE!
-
preheat the oven to 350℉
-
in your uprighteous stand mixer with the cake paddle firmly affixed,
cream together:
1 (8 T) stick earth balance vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 cup light brown sugar;
2 tsp vanilla;
1/2 lemon zest;
1/2 cup vanilla non-dairy yogurt.
mash all that together into a well-combined paste,
and add:
1 cup non-dairy milk;
1 cup blended gf almond-meal flour;
1 cup all-purpose chick-pea'd gf flour;
1/2 cup 1:1 rice based gf flour;
-
seriously, this baking style is the WORST.
-
2 1/2 tsp baking powder;
1/2 tsp xantham gum;
3 T tapioca flour;
1 T egg replacer powder;
1 tsp baking soda.
-
mix well, the batter will be wet,
but add it into a 9" well-greased and floured springform pan, and spread it level.
yup.
and now, in your big fat mixing bowl, it's time to make the streusel.
1 1/4 cups certified gluten-free oats;
1/4 cup almond-based gf blended flour;
1/3 cup powdered sugar;
1/3 cup vegan butter;
dash of salt;
cinnamon;
1/2 lemon zest.
just cut it up with a fork or pastry cutter until it's all a sticky clumpy bunch of blops.
spread that evenly over the batter,
and bake it for 40-50 minutes or until a tester comes away clean in the center.
yup.
it's not exact science.
at least, not the way i've been doing it-
the catch? it's getting better every time, and that's a good thing.
i just want to be able to provide the good stuff
to all the good folks who overlap their lives with mine.
-
this bad boy cooled all day,
and then got presented with all sorts of ice creaminess all night.
y'boi serves up that good-good.
real talk.
and that's expert, bro.
everybody ate it.
that's like, six or seven strangers, a few acquaintances, and a couple of close ones,
all chowing down and mowing through the best dang oldie but goodie in the lineup.
uh-huh.
if i'm attending your event, i will be bringing treats.
that's my move.
if you hate treats, don't invite me. i'd just as soon stay home anyway.
(there's more treats for me that way.)
*
i bake things, i break things, i take time by force,
and i take your treasured things away, and i never ever give them back.
that's my infinite nature,
and it leaves little room for anything other than a lightning-striking viking's values,
and the virtues of a valhalla-bound berserker battle-bard keening skaldic stanzas
of life and love and loss and loot out into the universe to echo for all eternity.
y'know?
of course you don't, but that's ok.
i have a job to do, dudes.
in this kitchen, especially,
but also everywhere in this Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,
at AMPERSAND TATTOO,
and in the wider world at large;
all of it is hard,
and all of it is ugly,
and all of it is dope.
that's the way it goes.
old, busted, broke, broken, and dope.
all at once, with a side order of coffee cake and coconut cream.
it's all really happening,
and that's the whole point;
never quiet, never soft.....

WAFFLES!

d'ya like waffles?
me too!
have you ever had a gluten-free savory scallion-spiked cornmeal waffle?
no?
well, lemme tell you somethin', neighbors-
you haven't had waffles until you've had food waffles.
do you follow?
food waffles aren't breakfast waffles, they're other times-of-day meal waffles.
savory, not sweet; not dented pancakes, but rather, dented MANcakes.
that's a thing.
or, it is now, anyway.
here's the deal-
mexican monday felt like it was a lot to handle in the rain.
that's no joke.
i just needed to do something sunshiny to make it magical.
and i did.
and it was.
and that's why i'm an expert, bruh.
check the teleport:

YESSSSS!
there's spinach and cabbage and cilantro and carrots with a squeeze of lime juice
as the base- a little leafy salad stuff to give you those phyto-flight nutrients an' that-
and there's my patented super-sexxx salsa-
the new-new hottness of fire-roasted tomato tightness to eleven, for sure.
that was the prime mover of all the things, man.
a good salsa is the key to a great mexican monday.
rules is rules.
-
and AVO-F*ING-CADO?
c'mon.
what are you?
an A*-hole?
obviously, there's gonna be green goodness for your F*ing face.
it's a necessity, y'nerds.
don't be dumb.
-
refried black beans are NOT the easiest ones.
they seemed drier than the pink jauns.
i still hooked 'em up with ho'sauce, and olive oil, and minced red onion,
and GPOP of course, and a punch of nootch.
and then, i dripped in a few tablespoons of water, too.
i mean, get real, kids. i don;t want crumbly mooshed beans.
that's a real loser move, and that ain't me.
lesson learned.
black beans are great. black bean refrieds? they're just okay.
unless one of you has a better way to do it, in which case, tell me.
i want all the goodness, and i wouldn't wanna miss out.
-
tempeh is not my favorite plant-based protein.
seitan is number one, but, with all this glutenlessness on the horizon,
i doubt very much that it'll be as invited as it used to be.
so, we're down to the other 'nother bean-ier sources of energy.
anyway, tempeh is still delicious, if you know how to activate it.
and i do, and that's what happened-
-
*
TEMPEH CHIPOTLE!
-
in a smaller non-sticky pan,
lay out 1/2 block, sliced into strips.
and add in: 1 tsp paprika;
1 tsp smoked hot paprika;
black pepper;
1 T ho'sauce;
2 shakes liquid smoke;
1 T agave;
1 T olive oil;
1/2 cup water;
1/2 tsp ea GPOP;
1/2 tsp oregano;
1/4 tsp cumin and coriander;
a few shakes of thyme.
bubbled on high until the liquid is absorbed and the agave caramelizes.
that's good for you.
and it tastes pretty effin' good, too.
and it goes well with all the other other pieces of the puzzle.
friends, it's ALL building towards something.
-
lastly, but, naturally, best and most importantly, those waffles, b.
yup.
that's what's UP.
you ain't no kind of aficionado of the waffz if you don't get buy with bad boys like this.
that's like not owning more than one waffle iron?
c'mon.
that's bush league business, broski.
step up your game.
wordimus prime-
here's how i did what i did, so you can doo-doo that freaky sh!t, too:
-
*
CORNBREAD WAFFZ!
-
heat up your iron, buddy,
and stir together:
1 cup cornmeal;
1/2 cup gluten-free chick pea/rice blend jauns;
1/2 tsp pink salt;
1 T baking soda;
1 T egg replacer powder;
3 T tapioca starch;
1 tsp baking powder;
1/2 tsp black pepper;
2 T fresh diced scallions;
3 T melted vegan butter;
1 cup non-dairy milk;
1 tsp apple cider vinegar.
^^^ that seem like a lot?
well, that's because not using good flour makes everything harder.
so, naturally, i've just gotta do that.
it's, like, my thing.
most waffle makers in the modern age have an indicator light.
if yours does, then you already now when your waffles are done.
if not, i guess just use your eyes, dumdum.
i mean, really. y'ever seen a waffle before?
you can figure it out.
i'm positive.
***********
out of time.
that's me.
i've got cakes on cakes and cookies to tell you about,
but i've got so much life to squeeze into today first.
we'll get where we're going, eventually,
but for now, i've just gotta get along;
never quiet, never soft.....

WTF?!

i had a fully-loaded sicilian square.
i did.
it was packed and stacked and laden with alllll the things,
and i ate it, with dylan,
at AMPERSAND TATTOO.
he knows about pizza, man, like a real pizza-man,
and we took it down to devour-ville in a heartbeat.
here's the thing- i was full as heck afterwards,
and my dinner vision was clouded by all that sicilian strega sh!t.
so, when it was time to do somethin', i was at a loss for ideas.
and if you don't start nothin', there won't BE nothin', neighbors.
that's not allowed.
so, i got some stuff started.
i haven't been grocery shoppin' in a little minute, which makes things harder, too.
but, really, that's kind of my move.
everything the harder way, every day.
what do you make when you haven't got sh!t on hand?
you make a mess, man.
and that's what i did.
check the sandwiches-sorta-or-somethin'-type teleport:

WHAT ARE THOSE?
they're spicy, and smoky, and crispy sandwiches, man.
or wraps? i dunno what you're gonna call 'em.
but whatever you name them, they had a whole lotta flavor, boiiiiiiiii.
that's the truth.
oven roasted sweet and red potato slices-
olive oil, salt, pepper, cayenne and paprika, roasty, toasty, crisp-edged and soft-centered.
that's how i like 'em, and that's how they were.
expert.
*
and that tofu was pretty flippin' tight, too-
that's pan-fried to a crisp and crusty exterior,
and then activated with:
2 T olive oil;
1 tsp smoked paprika;
1/2 tsp hot paprika;
1 tsp sugar;
1/2 tsp ea GPOP;
1 tsp nootch;
black pepper;
1/4 tsp cayenne;
1 gentle shake of cumin;
1/4 tsp ground coriander.
kaBOOM.
the oil and the spices coat the whole surface,
and stick to it like a second skin of spicy sexxxiness.
you could have any ordinary tofu, or you can be dope as heck.
i'm not telling you what to do,
but one is clearly the better choice.
just sayin'.
*
there's red and green leaf lettuce on there.
and shredded purple cabbage.
and shaved purple carrot;
and red onion (which is also purple, honestly).
that's a decent level of leafy goodness, right?
yeah, i think so too.
and all of that is on a pan-fried herb flatbread that's pretty dang amazing.
yup.
-
*
HERB FLATBREAD!
-
in you stand mixer, with the dough hook doing the dang thang, combine:
2 cups flour;
1 tsp salt;
1 T baking powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
3 T vegan sour cream;
3 T olive oil;
1 T fire-roasted tomato flakes;
1/2 tsp fresh cracked black pepper;
1 tsp rosemary;
1/4 tsp thyme;
1/2 cup warm water.
beat that up until it's a smooth ball, about ten minutes,
and let it rest while you heat up a pan with just a thin sheen of vegetable oil.
get the pan hella hot, divide the dough in two,
and roll out two circles on a floured surface.
then, toss 'em one at a time onto that hot pan, and watch 'em puff up.
give 'em two minutes on each side, and flip 'em only once.....
just like that- you've got miracle bread, bro.
for realsies.
now you're a food genius. voila!
-
you know i hit 'em with the ho'sauce.
yeah, man. texas pete is my dude. and he came through with that spice.
i like that.
but,
too much is the right amount,
and that meant i had to do something exxxtra....
so, i done did the damned thing.
you know what i mean, man?
i made some radical homemade super-deluxxe vegan ranch.
WORD.
-
1/3 cup vegan sour cream;
1 tsp lemon juice;
1 tsp pickle brine;
1/4 tsp dill weed;
33 craxxx black pepper;
1/4 tsp ea. GPOP;
1/4 tsp chopped parsley.
-
kaBAM!!


a righteous sauce is essential.
without it, you've just got average food.
and average is NOT invited.
not once, not ever.
therefore, only the level eleven new hottness need apply.
which is precisely what's poppin' over here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
real talk.
*
a good come-from-behind sandwich can improve the mood immensely.
although, a daunting disintegration of house and home can ruin that just as quickly.
guys,
i've got rooms on rooms on rooms i've avoided for almost a decade,
and the days of ignoring them are done.
it's a lot to deal with all at once,
but time is of the essence, and what needs doing has got to get done.
i visited rooms in this haunted ghost house i'd not spent any time in
in ages....
and cleared them out of all the stored sh!t that's been taking up space forever.
every day, a little bit more goes away,
and that makes a lot more room for improvements.
i like that a lot, guys.
the newer bigger better more-important super-deluxxxe fresh-to-death dopeness
has got to have room to expand...
and that's what's happening.
this is it.
the latest, and the greatest undertaking of my life to date.
filling this Folk Life with all the worthiest and most valuable pieces-
it's not stuff, either, as it turns out.
that's a surprise i didn't see coming.
i'm here, bagging and tagging and tossing and turning inside and outside and upside-down,
in order to make the magic more readily conjurable to all the ones who need it.
i'm so tired, and i have none of the handiest manly skills to make it happen,
but happen it must, so happen it will;
never quiet, never soft.....

PARTY TIME!!

saturday night came and went, dudes.
yeah.
i did a few difficult tattoos during the day.
i made a few calls, talked to a few people, made some appintments....
all the usual workday activities,
followed by the mandatory nighttime funtime dinnertime activation.
yeah.
i didn't go out,
although i did walk the dog downtown after dinner.
he loves it, i like it, we do it, and the townspeople all call out to us-
hey target dog!
hey spuds dog!
hey what a weird dog!
followed by a glance at his weird owner, and an immediate look-away eye-dart
to anywhere but my F*ing face.
....and that's pretty neat.
crabtree can't hear any of it anyway, so our walks continue uninterrupted.
however,
pre-walk, the oven was preheating to 480℉,
and the dough i started earlier was proofed and prepped and properly prepared
for a perfect pizza party for just me all by my lonely.
yup.
i doo-doo that solo sourdough pee eye zee zee ayy sh!t, neighbors-
it's fine.
it's a little sad, but it's also a whole pizza just for moi, and that's pretty expert.
check the teleport:

PIZZZZZZAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
alright, so here's the thing-
do you ever eff around and put potatoes on your pizzas?
because if you don't, you should start.
it's a revelation, a taste sensation, a superior state of pizza activation,
and it's ON the list forever and ever.
and if the idea is repellent to you?
you're fired from pizza parties at my house for life, bro.
real talk.
-
and that semi-sourdough semolina sexxxiness for a crust?
look at that sh!t, homeboi......it's the best.
mmmhmmm.
y'want that recipe?
aight-
-
*
SOURDOUGH SEMOLINA!
-
stand mixer. dough hook. get ready. go:
1 cup bread flour;
1 tsp wheat gluten;
1 cup semolina flour;
2 tsp salt;
3/4 cup warm water, 1 tsp bread machine yeast, 1 tsp agave, bloomed;
3 T olive oil;
1/4 cup very active, very hungry whole wheat sourdough starter;
-
mix on medium speed for 11 minutes,
and place directly in the fridge for like, at least 12 hours.
that gives all the flavors time to do their thing.
preheat your oven, and remove the dough so it can come to room temp,
and the normal yeast can revive and come alive and make it dope.
it will, and you'll be so psyched when it does, cuz.
that's true.
try it.
you'll see.
-
so, i had potatoes,
cubed up and tossed in olive oil, pink salt and fresh black pepper,
roasting while the oven preheated. that's dope.
i had onions, thinly sliced, oiled and salted and caramelized af.
that's also dope.
i quartered some sweet grape tomatoes, since i skipped sauce.
a few tomatoes are good for you, always, man.
a bed of shredded baby spinach on the bottom,
with minced daiya mozzarella on top of it.
that's right, kids- minced daiya is the key, here.
if you leave it as shreds, you're doing it wrong.
that's a fact.
-
ANYway, there's also brussels sprouts,
halved and fried up, and glazed with tamari, too.
those are really good.
and they go great with those onions. trust me on that.
with potatoes, too?
man, y'all aren't ready.
-
and tempeh bacon?
dudes, that's the TRUTH.
1/2 block sliced flax-laced tempeh strips;
1 T olive oil;
1 tsp smoked paprika;
2 shakes liquid smoke;
1 T tamari;
1 T agave;
1/2 tsp GPOP;
1/4 tsp black pepper;
1/2 cup water.
bubbled away on high heat until the liquid is gone
and the sweetness had caramelized a little....
that's what's F*ing TILTY like muhfuhhhhh, bruh.
-
oh, yeah. y'know how rules is rules?
well, fried garlic sprankles are all up on there, too.
yup.
that's just how it has to be.
look:

C'MON, MAN.
that's how really-real pizza heads get turned on.
anybody can eff around with a plain chee' jaun.
how many of y'all are prepared to power up a pure-being potato'd pizza pie, tho?
that's the mark of a true afficianado, bro.
word up.
***********
it's sunday, again.
i've got a full day of things to do, as usual.
i've somehow lost most of my morning, but none of my moorings,
and now,
i've got exercise to do before i get into some dog walking hill-climbing
pre-work responsible pet ownership.
my animal and i are partners in this family togetherness sh!t.
we do what we do, and we do what needs doing, too.
that's all we can do,
and that's all there is to it.
i'm over here spread thin,
and he's over here splayed out,
taking up time and space in all the worst ways.
but, that's What Is, and that's what's up.
i can't imagine not having him here to derail all my best plans
with his whining and complaining.
i just hope he's ready for some far steeper and more articulate competition.
it's coming in hot, and it arrives sooner than later;
never quiet, never soft..... 

LINGUINE!

shoutouts to busy days with large tattoos on enjoyable people.

yeah!

...that sounds awesome, right?

i think so, too.

and at AMPERSAND TATTOO, that's all we really want.

although, when the day draws to a close, and this might make me seem greedy,

i also want a clear plan for an amazingly satisfying supper, too. 

i mean,

a good day is exactly that, but a good night is essential for maxxximum decompression

after all that back-bending hand-cramping finger-destroying tattblasting.

i work too much.

that's a fact.

and all i have to look forward to most evenings is dinner.

awwwww.

real talk, though, neighbors- the mealtimes are the highlight 

of my after-hours interactive participation.

which is why i spend so much time and energy thinking about dinner.

and that's why even when i want something fast, 

i just can't bring myself to take it easy.....

i wanted linguine.

man, i dunno why.

i never want linguine, except when suddenly, by surprise, i do.

so i did that.

and it was expert.

i'm not going to be the reason i have no post-work joy, boy.

that's the truth.

check the teleport:

SUMMERY ZUCCHINI IN FULL EFFECT!!

shoutouts to delightful diane for the garden veggies!!

i gave 'em the ol' oil-brushed grill-up, with some red onion, and a few tomatoes,

for all that summertime flavor packed tight for my fat F*ing face!

word.

i mean, really, zucchini, olive oil, salt, and heat?

you can't eff that up. but, don't stir it a lot, or you get mush.

and squashed squash should only apply to winter hard-skin varieties.

that's my opinion, and i'm pretty set on it.

...decreed, duders. that's it.

i have fried garlic sprankles in there, to activate it with savory sexxxiness.

and those chick peas took a tour around a hot pan for a few, 

just to let the leftover garlic-infused oil go to good use.

i love that. and i love working with purpose, and i love repurposing useful stuff.

lovely.

parsley sprankles, too?

yup, rules is rules, kids- don't intentionally make an ugly-looking plate.

c'mon.

it's all pretty straightforward.

al dente firm boiled linguine, in salty water....

and, of course, a super-deluxxxe tomato-based SAUCE!

woooooo!

-

*

SAUCE!

-

i'll be honest-

this was an amalgam of three kinds of tomato magic.

i used:

1 cup crushed fire-roasted tomatoes;

1 cup detroit-deep-dish exxtra-garlicky chunky sauce;

12 oz. onion & garlic marinated finely diced canned tomatoes-

and:

1 tsp ea GPOP; 1 T nootch; 1/2 tsp cracked black pepper;

1 T white wine vinegar;

parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme, oregano, and basil;

2 T fire-roasted tomato flakes;

simmered on medium low heat for as long as it took to bring a pot of water to a boil,

and then make the 'guine good to go.

-

the thing is, that sauce was F*ing TIGHT af.

and i added in two huge handfuls of baby spinach towards the last few minutes,

just to put some leafy nutrients into it,

and subsequently into me.

-

neighbors, 

in a way, it was just linguine- 

but, like, in all the ways i needed, it SO wasn't.

it was MORE than that.

and that was my bright spot for friday night.

not bad at all.

***********

i'll let you guys in on a little secret-

i've got pizza dough in the fridge, 

bulking slowly in anticipation of tonight's high-heat oven-lovin'.

mmmhmmm.

you already know i love pizza,

but did you also know that i love knowing that there's going to be pizza?

yeah.

today is officially good.

just. like. that.

not everyone loves pizza.

that's true.

some people are the worst, and can't hang out.

that's fine, because those people aren't invited, and that means more pizza for me.

it's saturday, it's warm outside, the sun is shining,

and tonight has pizza on the menu.

what else do we need?

i can think of maybe one or two things,

but i can wait, and let pizza tide me over in the meantime;

never quiet, never soft.....

THAI THURSDAY!

maaaaaan,
coconut curry is great.
like, really great.
i dunno if it's the cumin and the chili,
or all that garlic and ginger,
or some combination of other elements that turn what could've been
just sort of a spicy creamy soup....
i'm super psyched on coconut all the time.
and when you add a ton of vegetables?
and chick peas?
and leafy greens AND broccoli, too??
dudes,
that's what's sexxxy for supper.
look at this big ol' bowl of burliness:

WOOOOOOORD!
expert!
sticky jasmine rice is essential.
so is a garden-fresh basil garnish,
and cilantro and scallion sprankles,
and sesame seeds,
and jalapeno rings for added spice, too.
too much is the right amount, neighbors.
don't forget it.
there's a bed of baby spinach.
there's shredded purple cabbage.
and there's a whole bunch of coconut-oil fried sweet potatoes,
and that yellow curry boomfire for your tumtum and your bumbum.
woooooo!
*
it's F*ing TILTY, tight, and turnt the eff up.
-
*
YELLOW THAI CURRY!
-
y'got a larger than medium, but smaller than big pot?
i do.
it's like a gallon, maybe? i dunno.
but,
i had a teaspoon of raw coconut oil heated up in it,
and i added:
1 small red onion, roughly chopped;
1 cup rainbow sweet peppers, diced;
1/2 poblano pepper, diced;
1 large yellow carrot, bias-cut sliced;
2 stalks chopped celery;
3 cloves sliced garlic;
1/4 cup minced cilantro stems;
1 cup halved grape tomatoes;
1/2 tsp ea GPOP;
1 tsp toasted cumin;
2 tsp turmeric;
1 tsp ground coriander seed;
1 tsp cracked black pepper;
1/4 tsp cayenne;
2 T red chili-garlic paste;
1 T wheat-free tamari;
2 T rice vinegar;
1 lime's juiciest juice....
sizzle all that for five minutes,
then add:
1 can full-fat coconut milk;
1 cup vegetable broth;
1 can drained rinsed chick peas.
bring it to a hard boil, then reduce it to a simmer and let it bubble
while you make the rice and sweet 'tatoes.
add a few cups of chopped broccoli,
and let that get softened slightly,
then serve the sh!t outta that big batch of from-scratch super-hottness for your face.
YEAH!!!
it's like half an hour of cooking?
that's pretty quick.
it might've gotten better if i'd waited longer, but i get SO hungry i just can't stand it.
ANYway,
i love food. and i love good food. and i love good spicy food.
and i love coconut in my food.
and i love good spicy coconutty food.
basically, i fell in love with dinner,
and then i devoured it.
isn't that romantic?
neighbors, good food is all i need to make any day better.
that's a fact.
add in good people, and good work to do,
and i'm psyched to barrel-A* through another 'nother juggernautical wild thrill ride of a day.
today is the day, again.
just like every day always is,
and i'm grateful for the time and the work and the food and the spaces, faces, and places
that are all overlappin' and interactin' and overreactin', and activatin' with me;
never quiet, never soft.....

SO MANY FLOURS!

potato starch.
chick pea flour.
sweet rice flour.
regular ol' rice flour.
corn starch.
tapioca flour.
almond meal.
xantham gum.
WTF.
gluten-free is flour-full.
it takes that many kinds of flour to make one flippin' cookie.
and even then,
they're good, but they're not real cookie good.
it must be difficult being glutarded, for sure.
it's difficult trying to make something expert with all those flours
stacked up against one wheaten white floury perfect batch,
but,
the things i'll do for the ones i care about are not to be dismissed.
i'll get it turnt up to eleven even if the drawing board gets revisited often.
these were closer than close to being great.
if you'd never actually had a cookie before,
you'd probably have lost your mind over how rad they were.
alas, i'm something of a snob in the cookie world,
so i have such a bias that i'm hard to please on a good day.
anyway, i got three dozen of these activated,
and with the addition of coconut and chocolate chips,
and a drizzle of icing,
the end result was worth a sh!t, and that's no joke.
check the teleport:

GLUTEN-FREE, neighbors.
an added degree of difficulty is not what i need.
but it's just What Is.
and that's actually sort of what i'm into a any rate, it seems.
maybe the harder way yields more rewarding results?
i dunno if that's 100% true, but i do know that that's the path i'm presently on.
making cookies without wheat, man.
and making them delicious.
with all those weird not-flour flours.
here's how it happened:
-
*
GLUTEN-FREE COCONUT CHOCO-CHIPS!
-
preheat your oven to 375℉
-
in a medium mixing bowl, combine:
1 cup light brown sugar;
1 stick (8 T) vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 tsp vanilla.
cream that up into a uniformly pasty moosh,
and stir in:
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce.
next, add all the 'flours'-
1 1/2 cup almond-based mama's almond blend, whatever the eff that is;
1 1/2 cups all-purpose bob's GF baking blend;
1 cup large-flake coconut- unsweetened/unsulphured;
1 cup mini-baby vegan dark chocolate chips;
2 T cornstarch;
1/4 cup tapioca starch;
1/2 tsp xantham gum;
1 tsp ea baking powder and soda.
-
it's a LOT, bruh, but that's what it takes,.
and the dough is STILL a wettish mess, after all that.
it's cool, though, because after 11 minutes, they looked good.
and they taste good. maybe a little light on the A*-end,
without a proper chain of proteins binding them together,
but, you'd swear they weren't trying as hard as they actually are
to be something more than all those effin' different powders combined.
the big coconut helps improve the softish texture a whole lot.
the chips add a little firmness that the flakes couldn't.
and in-between, the sweet sugary meltaway crumbs dissolve in your mouth.
they're weird.
they're also delicious.
that's good.
-
and,
once they'd cooled off, the powdered sugar/non-dairy milk/vanilla combio icing
turned them up another 'notch.
and that was a damned good move, too.
y'know?
too much is the right amount,
and one more thing is always invited.
***********
one woman.
yup.
that's who got me started on all the wheat-rye-spelt-barley flourless baking.
uh-huh.
because you do the thing that needs doing,
and if you have all the feels for somebody,
you go with the feeling, right?
right!
and if that means that wheat is off the list,
well,
then you make the necessary adjustments.
obvi.
trial and error and force of will multiplied by insight and instinct-
because what the F* is recipes?
no, really, i have no idea.
i write 'em,
but i don't use 'em.
that's real.
....which brings us to now.
trying to decipher the correct combination of ingredients and steps
in order to create the right thing.
it's harder than the ol' standard,
but it's, like, not THAT much harder, really.
the complications of the non-traditional process aren't exactly prohibitive,
just more involved.
and who doesn't wish they were more involved in the creation of what they want.
i mean, c'mon.
if i've gotta get into it a little deeper,
then that's where i'm going.
i don't have a recipe for any of it, but i'm also not an idiot,
i'm figuring it out.
a little bit of learning and a whole lot better every time.
that's what's really happening.
and the learning curve is steep af.
feel the feels, learn the new rules, make it more awesome.
that's it;
never quiet, never soft.....

CAULI-WOBBLES!!!

fried food is maybe not good for you?
man, i dunno.
it could be that there are far more other options,
but i just sometimes wanna get fresh-to-death on some battered bug burly business, bro.
i rarely eat the fried stuff-
but when i do,
i go hard as heckfire, because it's a flippin' treat,
and treats should be the most exciting and expert jauns on the menu, man.
word up.
so,
i had a head of cauliflower, and not a lot else.
it's cool, i didn't really feel like going too crazy in the kitchen anyway.
i figured that a flash-fryin' fiesta would do the trick,
and i was right.
happily, i also had a few pints of canola oil heating up a few inches deep in a steel pan
on the stove top, with a couple of tablespoons of sesame oil infused throughout
to improve the flavor profile a hundredfold.
uh huh.
i doo-doo that custom sh!t, kids. yup. because it's good for you.
...so what did i end up with?
i ended up with a magnificent plate of delicious delights,
and it brought all the feels to my fat F*ing face instantly.
check the teleport:

BOOM!!!
sesame'd regionally-non-specific-asia-inspired fried cauliflower.
that's the hottness we needed desperately,
somehow without knowing about it ahead of time...
-
all the florets got chopped into roughly equal hunks.
that's important for even cooking.
then, they took a fat bath in a very sticky batter.
and the batter is what mattered when it was time to sexxx 'em up, neighbors.
really.
without a tight and TILTY batter situation, they'd just be soggy-bottomed bummers,
and that isn't ever what we want, is it?
EW. no way.
we only always want that good-good, exclusively.
and to have that, we gotta get the batter poppin' properly,
or else we're sucky suckers and don't deserve anything good ever.
ha.
-
*
BATTER-UP!
-
1/2 cup flour;
1/2 cup 1:1 gluten free flour;
1/4 cup chick pea flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
lots of fresh cracked black pepper;
2 T two-tone sesame seeds;
a dash of cayenne;
1 cup of warm water;
1 T rice vinegar;
1 T tamari;
1/2 tsp sesame oil.
-
that's what's up.
stir it thoroughly, and toss all the cauliflower in a big ol' bowl and coat it all up.
the stickiness, and the cauli-texture tandem tag-team the adhesion,
so you should have the best battered blops on the block.
if not, you effed up somewhere, so reasses your whole life, brother.
you're doing it wrong.
yikes.
ANYway, i didn't temperature test the oil.
but, it heated up on medium-high heat for like twenty minutes?
it was F*ing lava-vaporization hot,
and it made all those little gobi-globs get golden in minutes.
that was rad, because i was starving.
dylan came by.
that's the other set of chopsticks in the photo.
y'want a piece of good advice?
here y'go: feed your friends, it makes for better friends.
sharing a table with people makes better bonds and bigger connections.
food is what we all need, which makes it something we all have in common.
and common ground and common bonds build stronger relationships.
that's a thing.
look:

S'GOLD! S'TIGHT!!
they get a little sesame sexxx-up after they've been removed from the oil.
-
that's a T of tamari;
a T of rice vinegar;
a tsp of sesame oil;
a T of agave;
black pepper, and GPOP.
it's a glaze, guys, and it's hella good.
plus, MORE sesame sprankles, obvi.
AND thinly shredded radicchio ribbons, for color.
and so many green-oniony scallion sprankles, too.
with pea shoots underneath,
and dippin' sauce yin-yangin' all the way past ten on the scale, to eleven.
y'see the picture up top?
that sauce yin-yang?
totally coincidence.
but, still kinda cool.
-
the dippin' sauce was too simple-
1:1 tamari and rice vinegar, a splash of sesame oil, and lots of black pepper.
it doesn't seem like much, maybe,
but it makes ALL the difference.
MORE is what you want,
too much is what you need,
and exxxtra is always better.
rules is rules, man.
***********
i'm back at it all day every day all over again.
uh-huh.
AMPERSAND TATTOO is where i span most of my day, every day,
and today is no different.
there's always something to do,
and i'm always feeling compelled to do whatever it is.
yesterday was crafts and laughs,
today it's tattoos forever,
followed by another 'nother delightful dinnertime.
it's not exotic, but it sure feels good.
there's a rhythm to what i'm doing,
and it crashes down in deep subsonic bass-boosted earthquaking heartbeats
from within and without,
echoes overlapping in ghost circles and ricochets,
forming stars and flower-of-life venn diagram reverberations in perpetuity.
it's all really happening,
the spirit and memory of this Folk Life in the woodsly goodness
has got me feelin' a special kind of way;
never quiet, never soft.....

BERFDAY CAAAAAAKE!

i made two gluten-free vegan cakes.
one was almost perfect.
that's the one from ten days ago, with the disintegration problem.
also, it had oats without gf certification,
and brought on the complications of gluten-sensitivity with it.
tight.
then, i made a cake for a six-year old,
with all sorts of candy flowers and cutesy stuff on it,
which i was positve was 100% gluten-free....
and if the reports are to be believed,
it was a moisture-devoid crumbly brick of sad dryness.
bummer.
so,
i had a tasty one that actually fell apart, and wasn't even gluten-free,
and i had a totally together really-real one that was a block of crap.
that's humbling.
although, i could maybe use a recipe once in a while and figure out how it's done....
....but i won't.
that's not my flavor.
am i smarter than terrible flours that aren't from the world's best grains?
time will tell. as of right now, i'm super-dumb at it.
HOWEVER,
i do know how to make a cake that's sexxxy as heck,
using the real stuff.
word up.
i made a whole 'nother other cake,
with gluten,
for my buddy cam,
and it was expert af.
teleport:

VICTORIOUS.
a real winner, a real cake, a real rainbow homo gay'splosion for your face!!
yep.
cam is SO gay.
i only make cakes for gay people.
hmm?
well, for sure, i mean, everybody else can have a slice,
but they're all initially intended for ultimate gayness.
what?
what??
man, who cares who the cakes are for? ...that's the point.
it's F*ing cake.
if you don't believe in cake, you probably don't believe in dinosaurs,
or anything else that's cool.
so, maybe just have a slice and enjoy all the frosting and sh!t.
jeez.
y'all worry too much, neighbors
ha.
you wanna make a super-elite chocolate cake for yourself?
ok.
here's how:
-
*
CHOCO'CAKE!
-
preheat your oven to 350℉
-
in your stand mixer, with the cake paddle on,
combine:
1 stick (8 T) vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
3/4 cup organic sugar;
1/2 cup light brown sugar;
1/2 cup vanilla non-dairy soy-yogurt;
1/3 cup raw cacao powder.
-
get it all good and muddy,
then whip in:
1 cup non-dairy milk;
3 cups flour;
2 tsp bakey powder;
1 1/2 tsp bakey soda;
1/3 cup tapioca flour.
whip well,
and spoon evenly into 2 8" greased cake tins....
and bake for 35 minutes.
-
cool both pieces off on a wire rack,
so that when you frost it up, you don't eff it up with warm cake.
-
the frosting?
easy easy-
3 cups powdered sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 stick vegan butts;
3 T vegan creamchee' (tofutti is king);
1/4 cup non-dairy milk,
whipped around in the stand mixer with the whisk in full effect,
until it's fluffed the F* up, bro.
you've seen cake. make it look like that. i believe in you.
eventually, i'll hit it just right, and make all the glutenlessness just as rad.
i know this because albie knows this,
and he's me and i'm him, and we're gonna get it together,
because that's how it is around here.
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress test kitchen laboratory was built for being better,
and better is all there is on the schedule, man.
pursuing greatness,
pursuing improvement,
pursuing happiness-
it's all a chase, and it's al forever out of reach,
but that's a good thing.
too much is the right amount, dudes.
whatever we've got today, we'll expand and expound upon tomorrow.
so, watch out bummer flours of the earth,
i've got you in my sights, and i'm going to take you down, for sure.
***********
all the kids.
yup.
all the kids were in this house yesterday.
...and it was good.
as far as introductory visits go, this one was molto encouraging.
it isn't my style to do things poorly,
and it isn't my interest to make small children feel poorly,
and when i'm over here trying to enrich my life,
and enliven the days of a group of littles,
what else would i do besides my damnedest to make it feel special?
right?
i mean, really,
if you know the right answer, but behave differently,
you're probably dumb, and definitely NOT invited.
always do the right thing, doctor.
that's it.
i got it.
i'm gone;
never quiet, never soft.....

PIZZA PARTY FOREVER!

another 'nother pizza?
yuuuuuuuup.
pizza is the best, man.
anybody who can't hang out with pizza is a real piece of sh!t,
and that's no joke.
me? i'm NOT a piece of sh!t,
and i also happen to really love pizza,
so that's kind of a good thing, for sure.
most recently, i tried a new thing.
yeah.
i put little bitty sexxy sprankles IN the dough,
and it turns out, that's an expert addition to my pizza repertoire.
mmhmm.
fire-roasted tomato flakes, dudes,
AND sossamon sesame seeds in both colorways.
heck yes, that's how you doo-doo that upgrade sh!t,
believe it.
the whole thing had a verrrry mediterranean vibe to it, too.
i mean it.
check the teleport:

WOOOOO!
c'mon.
that's some kind of wonderful, bro.
and that dough was ON POINT, too.
-
*
NEW DOUGHSKI!
-
preheat your oven to 450℉
-
in your uprighteous stand-up mixer, with the dough hook in place,
knead up:
2 cups flour;
1 1/2 tsp salt;
1/2 tsp sugar;
1 pkg regular-A* yeast (~1 T);
2/3 cup warm water,
w/ 1 tsp bread machine yeast bloomed with 1 tsp agave (5 minutes' worth of activation);
3 T vegan butter;
2 T fire-roasty 'mato flakes;
1 T sesame seeds.
-
knead it for 11 minutes and let it rise on up-
it'll likely get big quickly, for all the double yeast and warm weather around here,
it was poppin' off in record time.
we always stretch it on a steel tray, lightly oiled, and floured, as big as we can make it.
that's the only way.
smaller is stupid, and MORE is the truth.
too much is the right amount,
and that's the most true when we're discussing pizza.
really.
-
we have leeks on there.
well, like, a third of a cup of the whitest part of one leek, anyway.
and about a cup of sliced red onion, too.
there's MORE fire roasted tomato flakes,
and fresh cracked black pepper,
and fried garlic spranks, because rules is rules-
and nootch dusted on there too.
also, sliced baby grape tomatoes. why?
because we left off tomato sauce, and we left off chee',
so we added allllll the good things to keep it interesting and delicious.
the main event, however, was adding the smoky chick peas.
F* yes.
-
*
SMOKY PEEPEES!
-
toast up the following spices in a hot pan:
1/2 tsp ea GPOP;
1/2 tsp cumin;
1/2 tsp ground coriander seed;
black pepper;
1 tsp smoked hot paprika;
1 tsp paprika.
add a glug of olive oil,
and 1 15oz can of drained rinsed chickpeas,
and toss 'em all up until they're totally coated in spicy nicey-niceness.
that's how you turn it up, b.
real talk.
-
you add all the items to the surface of the thing, once the oven is hot enough,
and bake it for about ten minutes or so,
convection-style with all the circulation happening all over the place.
...what happened next?
next,
it got removed from the steel pan, and fired up directly on the oven stone.
the stone is so key, here, neighbors, for the best crust ever.
how long did it bake on there for?
until it was finished, man. obvi.
go get one if you don't have one....you'll thank me later.
-
......aaaaaaaand then it got the good garnish.
yeah!
cool cukes and freshie-fresh parsley!!!
that's how you keep it tasting like summer.
and then, last but not least, a little drizzle of SAUCE!

wooooooo!!!!
tahini sauce for the title fight championship bout.
yeah.
two spoonfuls of sesame paste;
1 T lemon juice;
2 T warm water;
pink salt, black pepper, GPOP, and sumac, to taste, stirred and set up,
and poured over the top,
for an over-the-top experience that can't be measured in any articulate manner.
y'all ain't ready for how good it really is.
***********
dog walking in the rain?
heck yes.
we've got a big day ahead of us,
and he needs to be exhausted for it to work the way i'd like it to.
that means an exxxtra-long trek through exxxtra-awful conditions.
crabtree is not intentionally awful.
but he IS awful.
he just wants to be included and paid attention to.
really, that's all most of us really want.
i try to keep that in mind...
y'know?
he's basically a three year old feeling left out of grow-up conversations.
it's hard, though, because he is also a whiny little b!tch-A*,
which is enormously irritating.
but, that's his thing, which in turn is my thing,
and the only thing that i can really DO about it is think differently about what i want.
it's that simple.
i want him to be asleep forever, and never need anything from me ever,
but he does need lots of love and physical contact and eye contact and ear scratches
and car rides and cuddles and sh!t.
that's NOT what today holds, at all.
so, it's tire-him-out-time, so he can interact without being absolutely awful the whole time.
here's the thing- i love him because he's always here for me.
and that's what i'm keeping in mind as i prepare us both for a big day of family togetherness.
he needs special care, and it's up to me to provide it.
all we have to do is not ruin everything.
sounds simple.
let's see if we can do it;
never quiet, never soft.....