-
here's the context-
i was to attend an informal dinner for the benefit and discomfort of all parties involved.
wherein, i might add, i was making the meal, in an unfamiliar kitchen,
with unfamiliar tools, for an entire unfamiliar family,
up to and including dessert.
so, the guy, reed, whom i relied on for insider insight, says, 'make an old person thing'.
and i say, 'why would i do that?'...
and then he says, 'because they're old and that's what they like'.
guys,
i don't know what old people like!
but, i know what i like, and i'm not what anybody would call young....
which is why i made what i wanted, and took a shot at gluten-free coffee cake.
yup.
that's right.
it was the best attempt so far.
actually gluten-free.
actually moist.
actually still intact throughout the baking and transporting process.
and, the best part? streusel.
c'mon.
obviously,
y'can't have a coffee cake worth a sh!t without some crOmbly streus' on top.
rules is rules.
that's real.
so, old or young, i've got what we want, and i brought it with me to the party.
check the teleport:
NICE, HUH?
i thought so.
anyway, old people in new hampshire don't really like coffee cake?
that's what i was told.
however,
everybody ate the heck out of this one, so i'm assuming i still made the right call.
with a couple of pints of plain non-dairy coconut milk vanilla bean unsweetened ice cream?
y'boi was servin' it up a la mode, man.
i'm no chump in the dessert realm, and i know that ice cream makes most treats better.
like, it even makes ice cream better, because who doesn't want MORE ice cream?
i'm just sayin'.
the cake was a hit.
here's what went into it's creation:
-
*
GLUTEN-FREE COFFEE CAKE!
-
preheat the oven to 350℉
-
in your uprighteous stand mixer with the cake paddle firmly affixed,
cream together:
1 (8 T) stick earth balance vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 cup light brown sugar;
2 tsp vanilla;
1/2 lemon zest;
1/2 cup vanilla non-dairy yogurt.
mash all that together into a well-combined paste,
and add:
1 cup non-dairy milk;
1 cup blended gf almond-meal flour;
1 cup all-purpose chick-pea'd gf flour;
1/2 cup 1:1 rice based gf flour;
-
seriously, this baking style is the WORST.
-
2 1/2 tsp baking powder;
1/2 tsp xantham gum;
3 T tapioca flour;
1 T egg replacer powder;
1 tsp baking soda.
-
mix well, the batter will be wet,
but add it into a 9" well-greased and floured springform pan, and spread it level.
yup.
and now, in your big fat mixing bowl, it's time to make the streusel.
1 1/4 cups certified gluten-free oats;
1/4 cup almond-based gf blended flour;
1/3 cup powdered sugar;
1/3 cup vegan butter;
dash of salt;
cinnamon;
1/2 lemon zest.
just cut it up with a fork or pastry cutter until it's all a sticky clumpy bunch of blops.
spread that evenly over the batter,
and bake it for 40-50 minutes or until a tester comes away clean in the center.
yup.
it's not exact science.
at least, not the way i've been doing it-
the catch? it's getting better every time, and that's a good thing.
i just want to be able to provide the good stuff
to all the good folks who overlap their lives with mine.
-
this bad boy cooled all day,
and then got presented with all sorts of ice creaminess all night.
y'boi serves up that good-good.
real talk.
and that's expert, bro.
everybody ate it.
that's like, six or seven strangers, a few acquaintances, and a couple of close ones,
all chowing down and mowing through the best dang oldie but goodie in the lineup.
uh-huh.
if i'm attending your event, i will be bringing treats.
that's my move.
if you hate treats, don't invite me. i'd just as soon stay home anyway.
(there's more treats for me that way.)
*
i bake things, i break things, i take time by force,
and i take your treasured things away, and i never ever give them back.
that's my infinite nature,
and it leaves little room for anything other than a lightning-striking viking's values,
and the virtues of a valhalla-bound berserker battle-bard keening skaldic stanzas
of life and love and loss and loot out into the universe to echo for all eternity.
y'know?
of course you don't, but that's ok.
i have a job to do, dudes.
in this kitchen, especially,
but also everywhere in this Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,
at AMPERSAND TATTOO,
and in the wider world at large;
all of it is hard,
and all of it is ugly,
and all of it is dope.
that's the way it goes.
old, busted, broke, broken, and dope.
all at once, with a side order of coffee cake and coconut cream.
it's all really happening,
and that's the whole point;
never quiet, never soft.....
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