and expressed with superior superstitious spoken word spitfire from my face
out into the wider waking world.
that's right.
what do we say on the first?
we say the magic F*ing words.
obvi.
rules is rules.
and when we're cultivating coincidences, and fostering fortune's favor,
and lobbying for lauds and accolades from the secret universal plan?
you gotta say it out loud, fresh and hard,
for the aether to absorb, incubate,
and return a thousandfold the Positive Mental Attitude created expressly
to bring boons and bounties and beauty through the simple singsong of a couple of syllables.
dudes, i did it:
rabbit! rabbit!
the spell is cast, the lures are set,
and now, the power of positive thinking is gonna have to step up and get busy.
ha!
now, y'know what else is mandatory on the first of the month?
yuuup.
a F*ing treat!
y'gotta have a special treat when you're flipping over a new calendar page, man.
that's a thing.
so, i made one.
and i didn't just make one, i followed protocol, neighbors.
uh-huh.
because it wasn't only the first of the month,
it was also a sunday, son.
c'mon.
that's the biggest deal of them all, y'all.
because when the 1st is on a sunday, there can only be one outcome:
sandwich week!!!!
wooooooooooo!!
and with that in mind, i HAD to fire up somethin' with crunchy sides
and a soft center squished in-between....
check the sandwich-creme-type teleport:
WORD UP.
rules is rules, bro, and there's no getting away from it.
coconut-laced shortbread crumblies.
peanut butter creme filling.
melted chocolate stripes.
expert all the way.
huh?
well, on one hand it was a thousand degrees everywhere all day,
so the chocolate was behaving like a real A-hole.
also, the humidity was at maxxx capacity,
so the crunchy crumbs in those cookies were struggling to stay crisp instantly.
the reality is, even the peanut butter melty frosting had no interest in being fluffy.
it was a wilted, wet, close, tropical day, and nothing in my kitchen was on board
with making my ideas flow smoother.
....and that's cool.
here's the thing, though- they were still F*ing TILTY as hell, buddy.
yup.
that's real.
and here's what i did, i think:
-
*
COCONUT SHORTIES!
-
preheat your oven to 375℉, and regret that instantly because it's so HOT already.
-
in a medium mixing bowl, cream together the following:
1 stick of rapidly softening vegan butter;
1/2 cup organic sugar;
1/4 cup powdered sugar;
2 tsp vanilla;
1/3 cup medium-flake unsweetened coconut;
1/4 tsp salt;
next,
sift in:
2 1/4 cups flour;
1 tsp baking soda;
and drizzle in ~3T non dairy milk.
knead it, and maybe even add a splash more s'milk, if necessary, until all that sh!t forms
a ball of pliable, but NOT WET dough.
- on a well-floured surface, roll the ball of dough out to 1/4" and cut yourself some shapes.
i used simple circles,
i made an even number:
...they're gonna be sandwiches, after all, so that makes sense.
yep.
arrange them all evenly on baking trays, and fire 'em up for 11 minutes.
boom.
that's it.now you have cookies, and you should let them cool as much as they can,
which was not much in this gross atmosphere the woodsly goodness has employed lately.
ANYway,
that's when you need the creme filling.
and honestly, the one i made is delicious.
but, it also sucks.
i reallllly need to start measuring low to high.
it's almost impossible, because too much is the right amount,
but then again, getting it wrong is pretty lame.
that's no joke.
there's butterish, peanut butter, vanilla, powdered sugar,
and non-dairy milk whipped up in the stand mixer,
but i really did eff up the proportions.
-
and the chocolate was simple af too. chips and s'milk and heat and burnt fingers.
damn.
i'm NOT built for heat, dudes.
-
so, chocolaty stripes, and buttery peanut poop, and golden cookies.
and rabbit freakin' rabbit all really happened.
that's tight.
***********
bro,
i'm greeeeeazy.
you know about that?
it's partially finnish lamp oil pouring from my pores,
but it's mostly stereotypical olive-skinned oil oozing to the surface.
it's like this:
left unchecked, i will exude all the grease that there ever was.
why?
i don't know.
i a normally fastidious and meticulous in my personal style and presentation.
however,
after less than two hours of sleep, and a whole day of tattzappin',
after baking bread and cookies in the indoor heat,
and climbing hills with crabtree in the outdoor swelter,
i was melted down and rendered into a pool of human liquid.
gross.
it takes a little minute to counteract that, too,
so while my body resets, i'm still a slippery eel and i'm NOT pleased.
that's a true story, and that's all i've got.
until it cools off, i'm the worst;
never quiet, never soft.....
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