one was almost perfect.
that's the one from ten days ago, with the disintegration problem.
also, it had oats without gf certification,
and brought on the complications of gluten-sensitivity with it.
tight.
then, i made a cake for a six-year old,
with all sorts of candy flowers and cutesy stuff on it,
which i was positve was 100% gluten-free....
and if the reports are to be believed,
it was a moisture-devoid crumbly brick of sad dryness.
bummer.
so,
i had a tasty one that actually fell apart, and wasn't even gluten-free,
and i had a totally together really-real one that was a block of crap.
that's humbling.
although, i could maybe use a recipe once in a while and figure out how it's done....
....but i won't.
that's not my flavor.
am i smarter than terrible flours that aren't from the world's best grains?
time will tell. as of right now, i'm super-dumb at it.
HOWEVER,
i do know how to make a cake that's sexxxy as heck,
using the real stuff.
word up.
i made a whole 'nother other cake,
with gluten,
for my buddy cam,
and it was expert af.
teleport:
VICTORIOUS.
a real winner, a real cake, a real rainbow homo gay'splosion for your face!!
yep.
cam is SO gay.
i only make cakes for gay people.
hmm?
well, for sure, i mean, everybody else can have a slice,
but they're all initially intended for ultimate gayness.
what?
what??
man, who cares who the cakes are for? ...that's the point.
it's F*ing cake.
if you don't believe in cake, you probably don't believe in dinosaurs,
or anything else that's cool.
so, maybe just have a slice and enjoy all the frosting and sh!t.
jeez.
y'all worry too much, neighbors
ha.
you wanna make a super-elite chocolate cake for yourself?
ok.
here's how:
-
*
CHOCO'CAKE!
-
preheat your oven to 350℉
-
in your stand mixer, with the cake paddle on,
combine:
1 stick (8 T) vegan butter;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
3/4 cup organic sugar;
1/2 cup light brown sugar;
1/2 cup vanilla non-dairy soy-yogurt;
1/3 cup raw cacao powder.
-
get it all good and muddy,
then whip in:
1 cup non-dairy milk;
3 cups flour;
2 tsp bakey powder;
1 1/2 tsp bakey soda;
1/3 cup tapioca flour.
whip well,
and spoon evenly into 2 8" greased cake tins....
and bake for 35 minutes.
-
cool both pieces off on a wire rack,
so that when you frost it up, you don't eff it up with warm cake.
-
the frosting?
easy easy-
3 cups powdered sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 stick vegan butts;
3 T vegan creamchee' (tofutti is king);
1/4 cup non-dairy milk,
whipped around in the stand mixer with the whisk in full effect,
until it's fluffed the F* up, bro.
you've seen cake. make it look like that. i believe in you.
eventually, i'll hit it just right, and make all the glutenlessness just as rad.
i know this because albie knows this,
and he's me and i'm him, and we're gonna get it together,
because that's how it is around here.
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress test kitchen laboratory was built for being better,
and better is all there is on the schedule, man.
pursuing greatness,
pursuing improvement,
pursuing happiness-
it's all a chase, and it's al forever out of reach,
but that's a good thing.
too much is the right amount, dudes.
whatever we've got today, we'll expand and expound upon tomorrow.
so, watch out bummer flours of the earth,
i've got you in my sights, and i'm going to take you down, for sure.
***********
all the kids.
yup.
all the kids were in this house yesterday.
...and it was good.
as far as introductory visits go, this one was molto encouraging.
it isn't my style to do things poorly,
and it isn't my interest to make small children feel poorly,
and when i'm over here trying to enrich my life,
and enliven the days of a group of littles,
what else would i do besides my damnedest to make it feel special?
right?
i mean, really,
if you know the right answer, but behave differently,
you're probably dumb, and definitely NOT invited.
always do the right thing, doctor.
that's it.
i got it.
i'm gone;
never quiet, never soft.....
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