CORAZON!

yup.
so,
it was valentine's day.
and it was not the worst one i've ever had.
somewhat surprisingly,
even without the close quarters company of a certain special someone,
and without the only-slightly-less close-quarters
constant communication with my coworker,
i STILL managed to be surrounded by positive people,
with positive vibes,
and that Positive Mental Attitude.
mmmhmmm.
lucky lucky.
i think it must've been the cake, honestly.
everybody who is any good likes cake.
i wish it was because i was well-dressed for success,
but i'm convinced it was all the cake's doing, and not the fresh threads.
aww.
i was decked out from head to toe in a seasonally-appropriate situationally-suited
site-specific red, white, and pink fit of valentine finery,
complete with bow tie, OBVI,
because i am both romantic and dapper, and also NOT an A*-hole.
rules is rules.
you dress nice on valentine's day, duders.
show a little sentimental softness for one day.
jeez.
anyway,
i had a chocolate brownie doing it's best impersonation of a cake,
and it was covered in chocolate ganache,
and it had sprankles all over it.
yup.
you know what i'm about,
and now i know what brings all of y'all to the studio.
(nobody was getting tattooed, just spanning time and eating cake, but still....)
check it:

HEARTS ON HEARTS ON HEARTS!!!
neighbors,
i just loooooove to celebrate stuff.
and i love love.
and i love cake.
so this is pretty much a convergence of the expert elements.
y'see that frosting?
yeah.
that's the messy whirlwind of wand mixer prepared swirls.
whatever, man. it worked, barely, and it looks good, so that must mean it IS good.
is that how that works?
i think that's a thing.
ANYway,
you guys want to know how to make some of this for yourselves?
well, i'm just gonna list the process for you,
and if you wanna, you can follow along at home-
-
*
BROWNIE HEART CAKE!!
-
in a small saucepot,
warm  up, all together:
1 stick vegan butter equivalent(i think the earth balance stuff is numero uno for this);
1 cup dark brown sugar;
1/2 cup chocolate chips;
1 cup non-dairy milk;
1 tsp vanilla.
while that's melting, slowly, over low heat,
fire your oven right on up to 375℉.
grease and flour a cake pan, more specifically a heart one, bro.
in a medium mixing bowl,
toss together:
1/4 cup tapioca flour/starch/whatever you call it;
1/3 cup cocoa;
2 cups flour;
1 tsp ea. bakey powpow and soda;
1/2 tsp salt;
-
add the wet to the dry, and pour it into the pan and put the pan into the oven.
c'mon.
that's where you're going to bake it for 35-45 minutes,
and then, y'gotta let it cool out of it's pan for long enough
to keep the ganache from getting too runny and slipping off.
that's a thing.
and the ganache?
damn, duders. that's actually too easy:
-
1/2 cup chocolate chips;
3 T non-dairy milk;
3 T powdered sugar;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 non-stick pan on low heat, and lots of stirring.
boom.
instant supersexxxy luscious frosty boomfire.
y'like those valentiney dots on dots, a.k.a. spranks?
you dooooo?
tight. i do too.
and of course, when it was actually cooled enough to manhandle,
that double frosty frosting flavor was mandatory:
too much is the right amount;
and besides understating things is a great way to be misunderstood.
i repeat myself a lot.
i want to make sure you know what i mean, man.
***********
not everybody is terrible.
that's something it took me years to discover,
and i'm glad i finally stopped being completely closed-off long enough
to let a few people in.
my valentine's crew was a surprising set of folks who are all really frickin' good ones.
i know i'm lucky.
yeah.
not everybody is terrible.
however,
everybody is when they're drinking alcohol.
unpopular that opinion may be, but it's not any less true.
even just a little bit diminishes your ability to uncover your best self.
that's real.
and while i guess i get why it happens-
not everyone thinks they can be accepted for their inner infinite nature-
which is true, but also pretty much totally fine.
i mean it.
not everybody has to like you.
and not everyone can find a path towards resolution of their problems,
so they seek escape 'em rather than repair or reroute or reflect.
i don't remember...does that solve anything?
oh, right.....it doesn't.
...
personally, i believe we get a choice.
and the choice is between what is easy, and what is dope.
the harder way, every day, kids, is the path to strong bodies and minds.
i choose to be the person i want to be.
or, at the barest minimum, to clear-headedly soul-searchingly strive
to become that worthy warrior poetic ideal.
why the F* would i want anything less?
i know, i repeat myself a lot.
i know, most of you could give a sh!t.
i know i'm not changing many minds.
i know, it has nothing to do with cake.
but, well,
it's MY blog, brothers and sisters,
and this is what i had on my mind.
truth tellers can never stop,
and moreover, they mustn't.
it's ALL really happening,
and i'm pursuing that hard-headed open-minded heavy-handed strongarm
sojourn for true stories told truly.
this is it;
never quiet, never soft.....

RED, BLACK, GREEN!

sooooo,
to answer the pressing question burning the brains of everybody here-
q. IS black bean spaghetti delicious?
a. not especially.
sure, it's not THAT disgusting.
in fact, it's pretty flippin' bland.
but, it's got that gluten-free bummer texture.
sorta gritty, kinda plastic, kinda not as dope as wheat.
yeah, yeah, it's healthy, maybe.
that's cool.
i'm not sayin' i didn't eat a ton of it,
i'm just sayin' it looks a lot cooler than it is.
sorta like the opposite of me.
no. wait. i look as uncool as i am.
....neat.
the pasta bowl, though, that punctuated my evening was tiiiiiiight.
dudes,
nate and i did name tattoos on some in-love lovelies.
yup.
i know what you're thinking- big deal.
people do that all the time and it is almos always ill-advised.
to that i say:
'maaaaaaaaaan, don't ruin it'.
theyare in love probably, and that was nice to see.
the gesture, in the moment is always so optimistic,
and that's the sort of P.M.A. i wish i had.
the guy makes italian food.
and you KNOW i like to talk about food.
so, we did, and i got psyched.
so much so that instead of skipping dinner,
i went RBG and molto italiano at the same time.
check the teleport:

RABE RAPINI ROBERTO!!
what's the secret to good broccoli rabe?
boil it for exxxactly two minutes in salted water!
when i learned that, it changed my actual life.
until that point, i'd bee resigned to hating the stuff, because it was so flippin' bitter,
it made even ME seem sugary sweet by comparison.
vegan sausages are good, because sausages taste good.
when they aren't made of d!cks stuffed into A*-holes made to look like d!cks,
and instead are just vaguely phallic veggie blops, they're actualy much much better.
just sayin'.
i got some from-the-store ones, and i'm not even ashamed about it at all.
fried garlic, and shallots, and blackened burst baby tomatoes all added a lot to the composition.
i cooked those dumb noodles like it said to, and that was alright.
no big deal.
but, to freak it off, turn it up,
and bring the entire flavor profile up to eleven,
i toasted and crushed some almond slices, neighbors.
yup.
expert activation ensued.
simple, but sexxxy.
sort of the opposite of y'boi.
i'm a convoluted and complicated head-on attacker,
but i am NOT the sexxxy sexbob-omb, broski.
maybe if i eat enough of this stuff, it'll infuse my body with that tasty man-peach karate?
i have my doubts,
but i had one heck of a satisfying supper.
word up.
***********
sunovab!tch-
i need a new bathroom.
actually, i need something of a new portion, or a repair, or a patch, or a problem solved
in ALL the bathrooms in my house.
that's real.
it would seem that i'm in the market for a builder-type, who does that sort of thing.
do you know a guy?
because i need one.
just sayin';
never quiet, never soft.....

TART ATTACK!!!

strawberry pastry creme.
you know about it?
well, you're going to.
yup.
i'm going to give you the recipe,
so that you can make something neat-o with it.
or, you can alternately ignore it,
and do nothing.
that's cool with me, because i have a strawberry pastry creme tart already,
so i'm not sweating it, neighbors.
in fact,
i went all-in and over-the-top with the little cookies,
and the big action.
wanna see?
check the teleport:

S'TAAAAAAAAAAAAART today!!
yeah!
now,
i have detailed at length the steps to make graham crackery cookie crumble crusts
over and over and over in the years and years of writing this diary of dwindling returns.
so, here's what i'm gonna do.
i'll skip all the cookie details,
after i mention this: you CANNOT overdo it.
too much is the right amount.
that's a fact, and that's how i'm livin'.
nothing else interests me.
not at all.
so go for it, and go hard, and then go farther, further, more ferociously,
and freak it off with frosting or sprankles or what-the-F*-ever...
but,
make sure your pastry creme is TIGHT AF first.
real talk- without a solid base to build on,
you're just messin' about, and this is serious sh!t, son.
mmhmmm.
so,
here's the secret to the thing-
-
*
STRAWBERRY PASTRY CREME!!
-
you'll need a saucepot, and a blender to make this happen.
-
over high heat, warm up 1 cup non-dairy milk and 1 tsp vanilla;
-
in a blender, combine:
1 cup non-dairy milk;
3 T flour;
3 T powdered sugar;
2 T cornstarch;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp lemon extract;
3 T powdered freeze dried strawberries;
1 T seedless strawberry jam.
-
pulse the blender to slurry all the stuff,
and pour it into the hot pot with the other cuppa wetness-
then,
still on high heat,
stir it like you'll die if you stop.
it's gonna thicken quickly into a bubbling pudding.
stop stirring, remove it from the heat,
and pour it into your choice of receptacle.
mine was that crumb tart shell;
you do what you do, dude.
it's going to set quickly,
so have your add-ons ready already, or you'll eff it up in the home stretch.
*
guys,
i used a wand mixer to make frosting.
uh-huh.
it was:
tedious.
messy.
frustrating.
ill-suited to the task.
inefficient.
........but it got the job done, eventually.
and that's good news for people who like that sort of thing.
it made me sad about my poor poor standy man, y'know?
the kitchen-aid stand-up is down to his single-purpose dough-hook derailment,
and it doesn't look good for any sort of recovery.
i get attached to things.
hell, you should see me with people.
ugh.
anyway,
wand mixer whisks are NOT what i'd recommend as a substitute,
unless you're lookin' to make the immediate area a sticky mess in a hurry.
ummmmm, yea.
that's what happens, but that's not cool.
***********
tomorrow is the big day.
one of the best.
definitely in the big three.
and i'm ready, if lonely, for a celebration.
i've got tattoos to do,
i've got treats to eat,
and i've got a hot, steamy date, too, kids.
yup.
i'm about to make out and go down on a real saucy piece.
what?
oh, c'mon.
don't be dumb.
it's valentine's day, bro.
i'm not about to miss out on romantic hottness just because i'm going solo.
no way.
it's a predestined full-on grope-session with one exxxxtra-large pizza pie.
mmmhmmm.
nobody ever accused me of not knowing how to get freaky-diki,
and i'm gonna stuff that crust full of love.
or daiya vegan chee'.
whichever is on hand.
(just sayin', i made sure to get the chee')
it's all happening.
unexpected but predictable turns of events,
and turns of phrase,
and turns of coats.
the days progress, and time marches forward,
while i do the same sh!t throughout all of it.
i've got a job to do, and this is IT;
never quiet, never soft.....

LITTLE NEWLIES!

y'all remember the adventures of pete and pete?
i do.
i was a little old to be watching it;
except, it was a F*ing awesome show,
and avoiding experiences because i'm too old for them is NOT really my thing.
i'm going to remain young at heart, young at work, young til i die, etc etc.....
but, getting back to those two petes-
i have always remembered one episode,where pink eye eats fig newlies.
most (some) of us have had fig newtons,
but the casual mention, with no preamble, of fig newlies,
always struck me as genius.
i have been saying it for literal decades since.
yesterday, whilst cleaning up a bit,
i found a bag of sun-dried figs,
and voila!
fig newlies were being broadcast from my brain immediately.
i rolled some pastry dough,
i rolled some cocoa into some of it,
some dried strawberry into some more of it,
and i popped open a small jar of vanilla chestnut cream.
mmmmhmmmm.
pureed cooked chestnut paste, with vanilla bean.
what was the result?
one really rockin'-good galette,
or,
as it will be rememered hereabouts-
the GREAT BIG FIG NEWLIE!
teleport:

so simple, but so good.
the oven was already super-hot from fresh bread baking.
therefore, it was just a matter of assembly.
i had plenty of pastry dough,
and the other bits were basically already ready.
chestnut cream on the bottom,
sliced fried figs on top,
and twenty something minutes in the oven at 410℉.
that's no joke all it took.
and it tastes fabulous.
for realsies.
it was a giant confidence builder, honestly.
like, there's so little going on, for something that wholly has got it going on-
and even though it's looking sexxxy as hell,
if we're telling the truth,
there's just a bunch of brown blops inside of it.
ha!
***********
the days are flying by, despite being packed ot the brim with activity.
that's good news.
the nights, tho.
those jauns are dragginnnnnnnng.
it turns out, while i'm not a social creature by design,
i need the comfort and companionship of a capable communicator by my side.
soon enough, but not soon enough,
the woodsly goodness will have the woman i like most
back in the wintry embrace of this mountainous vale.
until then,
it's tarts instead of tarts,
and noods instead of nudes.
i'll take all i can until i get what i want.
that's the only option i can live with,
so i'm living without, until we're reunited.
another 'nother night will pass, and another, and so on,
until eventually,
the preferable routine is set aright.
it's happening, slowly,
but times is moving forward regardless;
never quiet, never soft.....

RADISH HEARTS!

the center of a radish is probably called it's heart, right?
i mean, grocery stores sell palm hearts, artichoke hearts, celery hearts-
radishes must have 'em, too.
maybe not.
i don't actually think that matters, if i'm being completely honest,
especially if you're making hearts out of radishes.
any radish part should work, i'm thinking.
the watermelon radish i used got pinker and better, albeit much spicier,
as i sliced up towards the top half,
and it was just perfect for my dinner plans.
i am into that sort of thing.
yeah, i am.
i like all that february lovey-dovin' heart-attack sh!t,
even if it's just a cutesy accent to my hot hot hot fire noodle soup bowl..
uh-huh.
...and while i'm talking about that-
i also happen to really love noodles.
i don't know about you,
but for as much i'm into pasta pretty hard, and i am into pasta pretty flippin' hard-
i still seem to steer towards asian-inspired noodles far more often.
maybe it's because i like a combination of fresh veg crunch,
and sharp vinegar,
and sweet and salty and that ooooh-mommy umami for my face?
i dunno why exactly, i just know for sure that i got fresh as F*
on some mushroom mirchi broth, with dried red chilis,
and charred cabbage, carrot, celery, and onion,
plus a whole buttload of fresh minced ginger and garlic!
THAT'S what's poppin',
but that's only half of it.
some sam raimi noodles, some homemade seitan strips,
crisp veggies and sprouts, sprankles,
and totally rad radish hearts.
yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.
check the teleport:

Y'BOI!!
there's serious excavation work to be performed
when you're munching up a big bowl of hottness like this.
i'm tellin' you.
AVO-F*ING-CADO with black pepper?
that's tight.
pea shoots and cilantro purple cabbage and purple carrots and mung sprouts?
woooooooooord up. that's crawnchy!
and those grilled brussies?
c'mon, bro. we call that expert around here.
the seitan was a good call. i had some left, and i seared it with GPOP,
and splashed it with soy, and called it ready.
it's an exxxtra step towards being awesome, and i loooooved it.
ramens are pretty straighhtforward.
y'boil 'em for three minutes. DAS IT.
the broth, though, was straight-up fire, and it had liquid lava and molten magma
ready to rock my socks right off.
-
*
MUSHROOM MIRCHI SOUP!
-
in a larger small saucepot (y'know the one), heat a tablespoon of sesame oil,
and toss in:
1 cup chopped cabbage;
1/2 diced small onion;
1 cut-up carrot;
2 stalks minced celery;
-
now, you could first cook a whole mess of mushrooms in the oil,
before you add the cabbage an' that,
but, then they get kinda bummery and gross, and that's not cool.
bite the bullet and dirty another pan
(i also grilled the brussies and seared the seitan in the same second pan)
and thoroughly brown a cup of quartered mushrooms.
i don't care what kind, you shouldn't either;
-
add those well-done caps, and a teaspoon of mirchi powder-
or make your own, it's a combo of all of this:
paprika, all the crushed dried chilis you've got around,
cumin, cardamom, anise, black peps, cinnamon, Garlic Powder Onion Powder,
dried ginger, and crushed red pepper.
damn.
or you could go get some- it doesn't make you a bad person, i'll allow it this once.
ha!
anyway,
2 cloves of sliced garlic, a tablespoon of skin-on organic ginger, macerated,
that mirchi, a dash of ground mustard, pink salt,
2 tablespoons of rice wine vinegar;
2 tablespoons of soy sauce;
and 1 1/2 cups warm water.
boil it, reduce the heat, simmer it until it looks murky and smells magical,
and then get ready to exxxplode with flavors, dudes.
-
serve it up however you'd like.
i go for prettiness every time, but that's just me.
the cookie-cut radish hearts were actually not the mos delicious thing about this meal,
but they were far and away the most adorable.
that's a fair trade.
*
ANYway,
dinner tastes great, but it feels like a bummer when you're eating all alone.
it's funny in a not-ha-ha way that a year of almost always munching my meals by my lonesome
was no big deal,
but a week of going solo after months of good company and conversation seems like
an actual age of man has passed.
like, we're using bronze, and not hunting mammoths with flint spears anymore.
jeez.
valentine's day is coming right up.
i still love it so much,
even if this one wants to be a real mutherF* of a bummer.
i won't let it get me down, though.
nope.
i'll be wearing red,
and buying flowers,
and eating chocolates,
and i might even get crabtree a lil cupid arrow,
and shoot him right in his dumb face with it.
awwwwwwwww.
the times are tough around here this month,
the nights are implausibly long and the days re impossibly packed.
it's ALL really happening,
and it's starting to catch up with me.
that will NOT stop me from rocking out on the big day,
or doing little bits beforehand to get ready, either.
i'm choosing to keep a Positive Mental Attitude.
if i could get through the drunken garter tattoo i did yesterday,
i can mos likely get through almost anything.
damn.
hours of movie-check grinding had to happen,
and now,
movie-check spending can commence.
it's a trade. somewhat unfair, but the only free-market i'm welcome in.
time for time for dollars for sense, cents, and scents.
this is it,
and it's all leading up to cupcakes and lace and sh!t;
never quiet, never soft.....

HEART TART!

two kinds of dough, four kinds of berries, one mission-
to be adorable.
hello there, neighbors!
i dropped a whole mess of time into my morning treat-making yesterday,
but it was SO worth it,
i almost didn't mind that i F*ing missed out on national pizza day.
can you believe it?
like,
that's bush-league amateur-hour laughable bullsh!t.
this tart had better be some sort of wonderful to soothe and sweeten my sour grapes.
awwwwww.
haha.
guys,
i actually chose to go pizza-less.
i did.
after half of my fresh-baked tart,
and half a big bag of swedish-style miniature candy fish,
i figured my penance for such poor decision-making was to forego pizza,
and replace it with penitence.
i know what you're thinking-
too much is the right amount.
you're right.
and i had already had much too much of everything.
besides,
a tart like this is not for every day making,
but pizza certainly can be.
don't believe me?
that's fine. see for yourself:

BLACK AND BLUE AND STRAW AND RASPBERRIES!!!!
c'mon, dudes.
with that pink sugar cookie dough, AND my custom big-crystal sweet pastry jauns, too?
hell yeah!
you want all the makery details, don't you?
ah, i see.
well then, here you go:
-
*
PASTRY DOUGH!
-
in a food processor,
combine:
3 T demerara sugar;
1/4 tsp salt;
2 1/4 cups a.p. flour;
11 T nearly-frozen vegan butterish;
3 T vegan creamchee';
1 tsp vanilla-
pulse your processor,
and add in very cold non-dairy milk, 1 T at a time,
until the dough clumps together, barely, when squeezed.
wrap it in plastic, and chill it for at least an hour (more is better, obvi).
-
ok......moving on,
when you're ready to get serious about tartin' around-
preheat your oven to 410℉, and use the convection if you're fancy like that.
here's the recipe for the pink dough.
now, you're gonna need that filling:
-
*
BERRY THEM ALIVE!
-
i got myself a frozen pound of mixed whole berries.
how easy was that?
i like the frozen ones for these applications, because their little bodies
have all been transformed by exploding their wet cells in those icy temps.
that helps them become a pectin puddle as they defrost.
i think. i mean, i'm not a scientist.
anyway,
in a biggish small saucepot, on low heat,
combine those with-
1 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp lemon extract;
1 tsp lemon zest;
1/4 cup powdered sugar;
3 T vega creamchee'.
once that's been stirred and slurried,
remove a tablespoon or two of the juice,
and add 1 T organic non-GMO cornstarch, stir it well,
add it back in,
and turn up the heat until it thickens,
which happens quickly, so pay attention.
let that cool off, so it doesn't melt your pastry.
...i put mine whole pot on a snowbank outside in the frigid sub-freezing temperature,
and it was cooled pretty flippin' quickly. no surprise there.
-
ok.
roll out your double-dose of dough on a floured surface,
and put 'em in the pan of your choice.
i used a tart pan because i HAVE a tart pan.
makes sense to me, no?
yeah.
i got medium-level fancy with the decorations because i prefer kyoot treats.
time was tight, and work was waiting,
and i STILL had my damned dumb dirty dog, crabtree,
to walk through the feet of driven snow in the woods,
which he is recalcitrant about on the best days (this was not one of those)
friends,
i am a very emotionally in-touch and sensitive man;
i make tarts with two kinds of dough.
i drag my bullish bull-headed shark-bullet bull terrier all across
this arctic winterscape because he needs exercise, whether he wants it or not,
and i am not ashamed to say i enjoy the holy livin' ever-lovin' heck out of a pretty little pie.
that's real.
i baked this little bad baby b!tch for about half an hour...
i don;t know exxxactly how long because i was doing twenty-hundred things at once,
and forgot to set the timer on the oven.
it's at least twenty minutes, though, for sure.
if it looks good, it's good.
you'll figure it out.
i believe in you.
a little powdered sugar,
and no self-control.
those were the final touches,
to be rectified later by abstaining from a pizza pig-out.
***********
is it a snow day, again?
bro, it might be.
i've got two loaves' worth of sourdough on a preliminary bulk rise on the counter.
i've got a second cup of hot tea steeping on the table.
i've got about thirty minutes of organizing to do before my day really gets started.
saturdays aren't any different than any other day when you work all seven.
that's the truth.
so, today is the day, just like every day,
and i'm making decisions that should lead to positive outcomes.
thoughtful, introspective, considerate, calculated cause-and-effective
intentional direct active participation.
that's what i've got.
y'know what else i've got?
that P.M.A.
yup,
and it's a bad brains kind of day,
so it could be an ital kind of night.
it's ALL really happening,
and that's the whole point;
never quiet, never soft.....

MENTAL FRUIT!

lentil soup is what you need in your face right now!
mmmmm.
dudes,
i sure do love to slurp and sip and sup on some superior soup.
that's no joke.
i go hard with my soup game, too.
i mean,
i sorta have to-
otherwise it's just veggies taking a hot bath for a long time,
and that can be some insipid and tepid weak sauce,
especially when it's made without the right attitude.
do you even know what i'm sayin'?
no?
ok, hold on-
i'm sayin': too much is the right amount.
and THAT'S how you make soup into something expert, man.
lentil soup is great.
especially if you use more than one kind of lentil.
see?
MORE is better, bro.
i had some snowy-and-cold-outside-but-hot-af-inside-style goodness;
and even better, i whipped it up in no time flat.
check out what i made:

SOUPA-DUPA FLYYYYY!!!!
holy sh!t, a good soup is surely something to celebrate.
this one has some big body to it,
and that's a good thing when you're shivering form snow shoveling.
seriously.
plus,
there's that toast for dippin', and that's F*ing great news.
for realsies-
good bread makes better people,
and from-scratch fresh-baked burly bread only elevates, activates,
and upgrades a hearty bowl of hottness.
-
do you see those sweet potato hunks?
yeah.
they're delicious.
how about those blackened sweet baby tomatoes?
yup.
also delicious.
arugula?
c'mon, man- you get it by now-
MORE textures, flavors, and colors is forever the better choice.
parsley and scallion sprankles make sure we adhere to the plan.
uh-huh.
rules is rules, buddy, and little spritzies like that are mandatory.
okay, kids,
that's all there is to prettifying the surface-
but what about the whole potful of simmered sustenance?
oh, don't fret.
i'm gonna hit you with the play-by-play right about now-
-
*
DOUBLE LENTIL TOMATO SOUP!!
-
do you have a big pot?
go get it,
and add 4 tablespoons of olive oil to it,
and set it up on high heat.
next, mince a sweet onion, and toss it in there;
add an orange carrot and a yellow carrot, for exxxtra prettiness, each bias cut and halved;
a cup and a half of chopped cabbage, tossed in, and tossed around to char a bit in the oil;
let those brown a little, then add:
2 stalks diced celery;
2 cloves sliced garlic;
shake it up, and saute it all for five more minutes,
then add:
3 T red wine vinegar;
1 1/2 tsp ea. thyme, sage, dried parsley;
1 tsp ground mustard;
1/2 tsp crushed rosemary;
1 T ea GPOP (1 T both Garlic and Onion Powders) and 1 T crushed red pepper flakes;
a punch of nootch;
33 full craxxx of black pepper,
1/2 tsp pink salt;
1/4 chopped skin-on sweet potato.
turn the heat down to medium, and let that all steam and sizzle,
then stir in:
1/2 cup red lentils, and saute for five minutes,
then pour in:
1 15oz can rinsed drained green lentils, or 1 cup uncooked green lentils;
2 cups crushed tomatoes;
8 cups water;
2 tsp better-than-bouillon soup base;
2 T soy sauce;
4 shakes of liquid smoke.
-
bring it back up to a boil, turn the heat down to low,
and go F* off somewhere else for a bit.
you'll know when it's ready when your whole house smells incredible,
or if you used dry jauns? when they're soft, obvi.
could that be simpler?
yeah.
but would it be as good?
unlikely.
guys, i really well and truly love a big, fancy, complete pot of one-shot nutrition.
and that's exxxactly what this is.
-
the bread, freshly-baked in the morning and toasted up in the evening
was just what this meal called for.
and the call was answered by some dense oatmeal sourdough.
i'm a fan of homemade goodness, which, by now, if you've been reading along,
you'll have had hammered against your head over and over.
i repeat myself.
that's sort of my thing.
i'll be repeating this meal, to some extent, again, as well.
neighbors,
never-the-same-way-twice-soup is how you're supposed to do it.
in fact,
if you followed this to the letter, i'd almost be disappointed in you.
on the ones,
y'all should know by now that i'm not the authority on how to do anything.
i do a lot of everything,
but i'm basically making it up as i go.
and if i can do that, anybody can do that.
i'm not special, i'm just determined not to eat ugly food.
that's a subclause in my mission statement.
yup.
just be dope, or F* right off.
that's the simplest format.
try hard, (then try even harder);
pay attention, (then look even closer to the details);
and know stuff, (because it's all got some value in it somewhere,
and nobody but a stoopidhead ever thinks it's okay to remain ignorant).
...those are the components.
then,
playing to my strengths as a means of mitigating my weaknesses,
there's this old saw:
stay ugly, stay dope.
one is nature, (and nature wins),
the other is choice (which can sometimes tie).
we get what get, but we do what we do,
and logically, what we do becomes who we are.
nobody is as ugly as a handsome purposeless piece of sh!t.
real talk.
lastly,
the trickle-down dinnertime mantra goes thusly:
stay ugly, eat beautiful.
we are what we eat,
and i'm planning on being an absolutely gorgeous glowing god's eye from within.
any day now, i'm sure that'll take root, and bloom through my essence.
suuuuuuuure
in the meantime, i'm eating with my eyes first.
but then i'm eating like a raging savage starved stormswept fenrir,
and i'll devour every last morsel,
especially if it's radical magical nutritive vegan boomfire hottness fresh
from the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress test kitchen laboratory.
anything less is a misappropriated resource;
never quiet, never soft.....

SNOWED, EH!

holy smokes!
winter decided to stop by and drop a buttload of snow on top of us.
yeah.
it'd been a while since a real thick blanket of flakes caked itself all over
the woodsly goodness and quieted down all the surrounding sounds
that normally echo off of the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
shhhhh.
it's nearly noiseless out there now.
the distant scattered scraping of a snowplow is the only indication
that i'm not all alone in a frozen arctic wasteland.
ha!
it was a snow day,
complete with snow magic,
steadily dropping inches at an impressively constant rate.
damn.
here's the thing-
a snow day sort of always implies that ANYthing could happen.
but,
by anything,
i sincerely hope that there were not any greater-than-mundane expectations,
as we limited the big action to a severe pre-spring cleaning
of my calamitously congested edifice,
and, far less surprisingly,
a great big morning bake-up of bread and cookies.
yup.
that's about all i had happening yesterday.
and while i'm not known for my tidiness;
not by a damned sight, and not since i was born, even-
i sure do know how to apply a scorched-earth exorcism to all this extraneous sh!t
i've amassed over the past few years.
bye-bye.
that's all there is to say, man.
...the baking was a bit better than average, i'll admit.
first off,
i've been baking my sourdough a little differently these days,
to extraordinarily improved results.
uh-huh.
constant convection circulation and direct oven contact have made ALL the difference.
and rather than any cast-iron or glass cloche crap, i just blast the whole oven with boiling water,
mid-bake,
and let those crusty busters really develop some pentosan power in that outer shell.
that's real,
and they're better than ever,
so i'm gonna have to stay this course and see where it takes me.
*
alright.
that's enough about the weather and the loaves.
we both know you're only here for the sweetest bits of baked greatness, right?
awwww.
ok. right, then.
here you go neighbors-
c is for cookie, and t is for teleport,
check 'em both:

CHOCOLATE IS GOOD FOR YOU!
that's true?
well, if it isn't, it should be.
dirty domes of dark chocolate,
packed to the parabola with almonds, chocolate chips, and coconut,
covered in squinky pinky strawberry SAUCE,
and topped with those kyooooot valentine sprankles.
word up.
that's a lot of good stuff packed into each one of those.
i was ready for it.
hell, i made it happen.
and yet, i was still surprised at how expert they tasted,
even before the strawberry deluxe legitness hit 'em off with that sumthin'-sumthin' exxxtra.
i want you to make some for yourself, at your house, in your oven.
sure, i'll share mine- i'm not a A*-hole,
but don't you wanna a few dozen all to yourself?
i know you do.
here's the way to make that happen:
-
*
CHOCO-ALMOND-COCONUT-CHIP COOKIES!!!
-
preheat your oven to 360℉
-
in a medium-sized mixing bowl,
cream together:
1/2 cup brown sugar;
1/4 cup powdered sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp almond extract;
1 tsp coconut extract;
1 stick (8T) vegan butter.
crush that all up together, and stir in:
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce;
1/3 cup unsweetened medium flake coconut.
mix well,
then add:
2 cups flour;
1/3 cup oat flour;
1/2 cup chocolate chips;
1/3 cup crushed toasted almonds;
1/3 cup cocoa.
4 T maple syrup.
mix and mix and mix that up,
and form golfball-sized blops, hand flatten, and form into domes.
they just bake up better when they're preshaped, man.
that's a thing.
space 'em evenly on a pair of baking sheets,
you should have a few dozen + a couple exxxtra.
bake both trays for 11 minutes,
and allow to cool completely before icing.
mmmmmm.
and the icing?
it's simple, but it's amazing.
-
*
STRAWBERRY ICING!
-
in a small bowl, combine:
1/2 cup powdered sugar;
1/2 tsp vanilla;
2 tsp powdered freeze-dried strawberries;
1-3 T non-dairy milk.
THAT'S IT.
-
i'm a big fan of piping it out from a plastic bag with one tip cut off,
so that's what i did.
and the sprankles don't taste like much, but they look adorable,
and pretty food is always invited to my parties, bro.
rules is rules.
you'll be happy you made these.
you may also feel guilty, because there's no way you're only eating one or two.
so, apologize to your waistline,
because decadent overindulgent blarping-out is in your future.
sorry, kinda;
and also, you're welcome.
yeah.
***********
i've got more to do than there is time to do it this morning.
btw,
i'm still crushing push-ups for pee-breakls,
and i've added in this hour a day clean-up duty, too.
today, though, is a day for car repair and maintenance.
that's NO fun.
and since crabtree helped remove my brakelight yesterday,
i'm guessing he hated the thought of me having any money in my pocket,
and decided to help me get rid of it.
i'll add it to the list.
y'know?
the list of reasons why he's the worst.
it's longer than the list of why he's the best.
only, the good qualities are weighted, and the bad are just a lame litany.
he's my dude,
and he ruins everything,
but he's my dude.
sometimes, that's all you get;
never quiet, never soft.....

TUESDAY'S MENU!

i s'pose i like not having to guess what i want for dinner on tuesday night.
y'know?
i mean,
it's taco tuesday,
and rules is rules.
from there, all that's left to determine is how involved and intricate i'm feeling
about my soft flour foldovers,
and what sort of super-official exxxtra-expert deluxe dopeness i need to fill 'em with.
y'know?
yeah, neighbors, i know you do,
because we're a team of taco lovers,
and we don't need dirty dead bodies decomposing in our guts
to make us feel like we're really livin' the best life-
in fact, i think we can all agree that NOT having a heap of murdered meat hunks
has got to be better for us, and the planet, and the general attitude of mankind as a whole.
damn,
that's a lot of pressure on a taco, huh?
well,
i'm up for it, man.
check the teleport:

OLÉ OLÉ OLÉ OLÉ!!!!
seven mutha-flippin' ferocious and flavorful soft flour dominators,
totally loaded with alllllll the best stuff.
guys,
the homemade best-yet rainbow fiesta guacamole is on there!!!
and the ho'sauce-activated, nootch-boosted refried beans!
yeah, that's how y'get the party started right.
and grilled poblano pepper and sweet onion?
that's SO MUCH TASTINESS!
how could it even get better?
with homemade seitan asada, bro.
yup.
oregano, cumin, thyme smoked paprika, chili-lime ho'sauce, GPOP,
and olive oil, all seared into the surfce of that thick, protein-packed wheat-meatlessness.
daaaaaaaaaamn.
it was too frickin' good to go easy on.
and for the record,
i thought i was having company,
but both potential dining guests passed at the last,.
and i was forced to take down a monstrous meal all by my lonesome.
huh?
yeah, i rallied-
c'mon, you had a doubt?
that's dumb.
i'm a F*ing professional shark-glutton,
and packing on the pounds is NOT something i shy away from.
ha.
scallion and cilantro sprankles made an appearance.
so did some crazy good heirloom tomato salsa fresca.
that's a spoonful of  minced jalapeno;
the whites of a bunch of green onions (how about that?);
a cup of chopped rainbow grape tomatoes;
a spoonful of minced fresh cilantro;
salt, black pepper, and lime juice... expert.
lettuce and pea shoots and radishes and sweet baby bell peppers in red orange and yellow
all had their time to shine on each of these tasty jauns.
and they did just that.
i mean it.
these were glowing and glorious, each and every bite's worth brought the NOISE to the boys.
mmmmmmmmm.
the quick-mixed pickles only get better every time.
orange and yellow carrot wedges, radish, red and sweet onion, jalapeno, and garlic,
in cider vinegar with pink salt and demerara sugar,
boiled and softened and cooled and devoured.
so simple, but so incredibly delicious.
they're sort of mandatory, man.
-
and that rice?
with colorful peppers and green onions, cilantro,
and dried chunks of garlic and onion steamed right IN there?
for realsies, this meal was a masterpiece.
i was sad not to share it, but i was also pretty stoked not to share it.
-
lime wedges and sliced fresh jalapenos and some ho'sauce competed the look.
it's not easy going all out every night,
but, honestly, what would i be doing otherwise?
watching television?
getting drunk?
wasting time on things that don't stimulate creative thought,
or produce nourishment for mind, body, and soul?
come on now, friends, that's not me.
i'm not out there trying to have fun.
i'm trying to make things, not just do things.
and i'm trying to eat better, and MORE, than all of y'all.
my body is the spot, bro.
the nexus for all of my constructive actions.
most tacos are great.
(except crunchy tacos; those are bullsh!t)
but these tacos are representative of something metaphysical.
it's focus, and intent, and productive work,
and the enjoyment also stimulates and sustains me on every level.
if y'all were watching some dumb show eating dead cow crumbles,
stuffed in a cheesy twelve-pack with that seasoning-packet hobby kit weak sauce?
i think you might be missing an opportunity to be bigger and better than that.
or not. i don't know you, so you might suck.
i hope not.
or, at least, i hope you choose to cut that sh!t out, and become something more valuable;
never quiet, never soft.....

PINK AND RED

dudes!
i can't get enough of those dried berries.
i mean it.
i want to eat all of them, all the time,
and the only thing stopping me is the desire to constantly create new things
which may require restraint in the munchin' up of those berries,
as they DO go so well with all of this month's first half heart theme.
yup.
i made a cake.
no surprise there.
but, this one had red heart sugar cookies on top,
AND coconut AND dried strawberries inside of it.
and even better,
it was a decadently and richly crumbed concoction that begged to be eaten in huge slices.
which is exxxactly what i did, too.
mmhmm.
check the teleport:

WOOOOHOOOO!!!
isn't she pretty??!
cute is where i'm headed,
adorable is what i'm after,
sweet is who i am, man.
that's IT.
so,
what's so good about it?
oh, y'know- EVERYthing.
* 
before i spread the wealth with a recipe for this one,
i have a little bit of bad news, too-
ugh.
my stand mixer totally is totally shredded.

like, the mixing components are twisted metal,
imbedded into the dough hook with shrapnel and everything-
due, no doubt,
to the ridiculously large number of loaves and pizzas i've kneaded
over and over and over, especially during these last few years.
to be fair, it is 14 years old, and it did serve me well.
it needs all new guts, guys, and that's an operation i won't be performing.
you want surgically sexxxy frosting?
i'm your dude.
but, if it's fixing things you're after?
well, i break things, and i make things, but i don't repair nuthin'.
so while i wait for my newer, bigger, burlier model,
i'm gonna be whisking by hand,
so my frosting situation may be lacking for a week or so.
*
alright,
so, here's how to make the magic in cake form:'-
*
COCONUT STRAWBERRY CAKE!
-
preheat the oven to 365℉
-
in a medium mixing bowl, using a pastry cutter, cream together:
1/2 cup brown sugar;
1/4 cup powdered sugar;
1 tsp vanilla;
1 tsp coconut extract;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/2 cup unsweetened medium flake coconut;
1 stick vegan butter.
-
with a fat spatula, stir in:
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce.
next, add:
2 cups a.p. flour.
1/3 cup crushed freeze dried strawberries;
1 tsp ea. baking powpow and soda.
finally,
stir in:
3/4 cup non-dairy milk (carton coconut, ideally, or soy or almond work, too)
 -
spread it into a 9" greased springform, and bake for 35ish minutes.
what you get is a knobbly, chunky, moist, rich, sweet, amazing crumble cake.
when it's cool,
decorate it however you'd like,
but i opted to activate some snappy red heart sugar cookies.
mmmhmmmm.
that's because too much is the right amount,
and extra cookie balking is good for you.
-
*
QUICK COOKIE SNAPS!
-
in a bowl, cut together:
1/2 cup brown sugar;
1/2 tsp vanilla;
1 cup flour;
6 T vegan butter, depending on how crumbly your dough gets.
red food coloring. you need a LOT of the vegan stuff, be warned.
pinch of salt;
* optionally, you can add 2 T agave, if it IS dry af.
-
roll it all around until it's completely combined into a pink greasy ball,.
and roll it out on a floured surface to 1/4" thickness.
you can see i used two different heart cutters,
because i prefer for there to be MORE awesomeness rather than less.
from there. you just bake 'em on a tray, evenly spaced, for like, ten minutes.
then you'll have crispy, buttery, sugary lil hearts for crunchin' on.
i still have dough, too, so i can fire up some more as the mood takes me.
and i suspect it will sooner than later.
mmmmm.
guys,
luckily, i still had some strawberry frosting hanging out to glue those hearts in place.
that's why i overdo everything.
y'never know when you'll need MORE.
i just presume to always be in need of exxtra, and see where that takes me.
in this case, i went straight to the office of mayor of best caketown
...maybe that's not a thing, but it felt like it.
-
.....and yes, i did dust up on some powdered sugar sprankles,
because rules is rules after all,
and it is those little somethin' exxxtras that make these treats so special.
that's real.
i hope you like it.
i know i do.
i ate a whole lot of it already, and i'm excited to go to work,
if only so i can scoop up another 'nother slice.
***********
it's supposedly a snow day.
but,
i suspect it is going to be a snow half-day, as it hasn't started yet.
crabtree, in his perpetually helpful disposition,
somehow tangled his leash under the rear brake light housing on my car,
and broke the pins that hold it in place right the F* OFF.
ummmmm, yeah.
i'm SURE that's not inexpensive.
and driving with tape on your car to hold pieces in place?
that's what poor people do.
and that's just not acceptable, neighbors.
i am nonplussed at the circumstantial trials that slip into my daily life.
really.
like, HOW does that happen?
yuck.
happily, i've got some maintenance scheduled for tomorrow morning,
and with any luck, they can fix it up all nicey-nice.....
for what i'm sure will be a wholly unreasonable price.
thanks, dog.
you're very helpful.
damn.
it's ALL really happening,
and if it was all always easy,
i bet nobody would appreciate the little glimmers and glimpses of goodness
that get scattered into every stretch of cold, dark, sh!tty-A* wintertime.
i guess this P.M.A. is destined to get tested at every turn.
another expense?
cool.
a broken mixer?
neat-o.
bitter, brutal, butt-numbing cold?
bring it on.
no lovely, funny, tasty girlyfriend to keep me warm?
perfect.
if there's ever been a Positive Mental Attitude adjustment working for me,
now is when it gets put to the test.
...again.
and again and again.
resolve is designed to be stressed and second-guessed.
otherwise, is it even resolve, or something else?
this is it, and it just be's like that;
never quiet, never soft.....

MORE RULES!!!

hey there-
like i told you yesterday-
there's MORE to discuss...
like superbowly nachoooooooos!!
yeah.
check it:

dudes!
nachos are great.
but, like, for real though.
i like to stack 'em a few levels deep....
cheddar chee' in between each layer is a must. (thanks, daiya)
and these jauns had thick-A* roman beans on 'em.
with little togas and sandals.
oh, c'mon.
and some crucial refried beans,
fried up with onion, and GPOP, nootch, and some ho'sauce!!
yeah, that's how to improve 'em immensely.
and then, naturally, y'gotta add all the little tidbits to the top....
red onions;
daiya cheddar and mozz;
sweet baby bell pepper ringlets;
diced heirloom tomatoes;
pickled jalapenos;
and after a little minute under the 480℉ convection fuego of my oven,
they got cilantro, scallion sprankles,
and a fat blop of vegan sour cream, too.
wordimus, neighbors, hooray for libre nacho deluxxos.
*
the real heroes of my sunday night championship food festival were the hot not-wings.
mmhmmm.
two styles, two ways, too much is the right amount.
just LOOK at these fiery flavor bombs:

HOT HOT HOT!!!
NASHVILLE CAYENNE-OIL SEITAN NUGS!!!
that's some savage stormswept spicy magic right there.
seriously.
they have that whole head heat,
and a little back of the throat kick that'll tempt a cough
from even the most well-seasoned asbestos lined esophagus.
tight.
my homemade seitan recipe is here.
only,
substitute the smoked paprika for sage and thyme.
i made steaks, and used the second half of my block for nuggin' up.
and it worked flipppin' great.
i mean, you can see 'em lookin' sexxxy as hell.
i took my nugs, which admittedly look a little steak-tippy,
and squeezed 'em dry.
then, i soaked them in pickle brine until they got slightly soggy.
that's when i gave 'em a dunk in some custom cornstarch crisper crust.
huh?
oh, y'gotta bread 'em before you fry 'em, man.
rules is rules.
it's like this:
2 T cornstarch;
2 tsp flour;
1/2 tsp cayenne;
1/2 tsp hot paprika;
salt, black pepper, and a pinch of GPOP.
THEN you toss 'em in the hot veggie oil.
i gave 'em a shallowish fry up, in about an inch of the stuff,
which was more than enough to get 'em golden and crispy.
dudes!
i also heated up a tablespoon of exxxtra oil,
with crushed red pepper, cayenne sweet AND hot paprika for pouring all over
those blisteringly blindingly beautifully hot hunks of wheaten meatlessness.
you ain't ready for this much flavor,
and you might not even be ready for all that hottness either.
then, when you hit 'em off at the end with those crankle-cut pickles??
maaaaaaan,
THAT's how you doo-doo that freaky sh!t like a worthy kitchen wizard, bro.
real talk.
they're good.
they will be made again.
for sure.
*
lastly,
and only because we save the best for that spot-
those double-dipped chick-pea-battered burly barbarian buffalo cauliflower chunks!!!!
BUFFALO CAULIFLOWER IS THE TRUTH, KIDS!
i did a few things differently than usual,
and i think all of them were good ideas, too.
for realsies.
the dunk was dope.
that's a cup of warm water,
with a tablespoon of ground chia/flaxmeal for thickening,
and 3 T of texas ho'sauce, and 1 T of sriracha, too.
mmmhmmm.
firewater is the way to go.
the breading is even easier:
1 T organic non-GMO cornstarch;
1/2 cup garbanzo (chickpea) flour;
salt, cayenne, GPOP, black pepper, and a dash of nootch.
half a head of cauliflower is all i had on hand, and i cut it into 2"ish blocks.
a dunk, a roll in the flour, another dunk,
and then a second roll to really get all the tight spots covered.
then the fry up.
i had that oil cranked up after the seitan went through first.
now, while those spent a few minutes bubblin' and sizzlin',
and softening up on the insides while crisping their own A*s off on the outside,
i melted 2 T of vegan butter substitute,
and poured that into a cup containing:
5 T frank's ho'sauce;
1 T sriracha;
1/2 tsp hungarian hot paprika;
1/4 tsp cayenne;
1/2 tsp paprika (for color);
a teaspoon of Garlic Powder and Onion Powder (blended together because i do that, son);
1 1/2 T vegenaise non-dairy mayo.
when the butterish hits, and the stir-up pops off,
you get a sauce for ferociously sexxxy, you might slap your ma,
if she were to disrespect it in any way.
-
pull your cauli's out, and while they're still molto hot,
tyoss 'em in a bowl with the sauce, and flip it around like crazy.
served with those celery slivers, this sh!t is 100% expert for your face.
no jokes.
full stop.
this. is. IT.
*
the best part?
nobody had to get murdered and dismembered for this meal.
not anybody.
compassionate, cruelty-free, health-supportive,
nutritionally-complete, fully-flavorfully-activated radical vegan hottness is here.
unless you're an A*-hole,
you've got to be pretty excited at what;s possible while still being a considerate,
conscientious capable culinary king or queen.
right?
i mean,
c'mon;
never quiet, never soft.....