april (snow)showers

yeah.
what's wrong this day already?
hmm?
ugh.
secret wintery poor loser tantrums from the north!
that's the initial introductory offering of weather
for this sh!t-salad saturday-
waking right up to just a little teeny tiny bit of icy sleet,
accumulated into a greyish layer of garish gloss
sneaking into the air during the dark hours of the night,
and the lightening sky-times of the hawkish morning,
to darken the mood of the woodsly goodness.
lame.
neighbors,
i can't hang out with this arctic blast jauns,
as it sprays it's awful ice-arrhea on top of us.
gross.
but,
i suppose there's never been complaint department
that answers calls about the mean-spirited nature of nature.
y'know?
the thing about nature?
it ALWAYS wins.
the game is long, and the scoring system is complicated,
but inevitably nature comes out on top.
in that regard,
i probably should've seen this coming....
nature likes to remind us of who is in charge.
***********
and my last lonely old terrarium,
from the second batch of terrariums,
is hanging on by a thread.
i stashed it in a dark place,
and it wasn't giving much of an effort at living.
but,
i noticed this:

mmhmmm.
one last lonely leaf,
and some strong roots.
maybe it'll mount a rallying comeback attack,
and reactivate itself like a thriving green giant.
i hope so.
if not,
it'll be replaced with a more active participant.
if you aren't busy living,
then just die already.
yikes.
that's a hard style,
but this is a hard day;
never quiet, never soft.....

spinning sugar wheels.

oh, hey.
the treats around here are plentiful.
that's a thing.
and seriously,
i'd eat every single one of them,
like,
ALL the treats,
if i let myself slip in the gluttony department.
blimping out like a blarp is an ever-present danger
when surrounded constantly by tons of tasty pieces.
so instead of shoveling scores of sugary somethin's into my maw,
i bring 'em all to work with me,
and share 'em,
so as to get an honest opinion of my skill level,
and to gauge the overall satisfaction with taste and texture.
i figure if a sh!tload of non-vegans flip out over the stuff,
then my baked stuffs must be pretty goshdang expert.
right?
spiral cookies, though, neighbors.
that was yesterday's mission.
i tried to make 'em on monday, actually-
but,
without the proper pastry bag, and the proper pastry tip.
it didn't work.
hmm?
i know.
something didn't go great on the first live take
for the first time in a long time.
crazy.
i didn't let it get me down, the not succeeding from the jump-off.
i just got the right parts on parts on parts instead.
and it was worth it.
check the teleport:

cute, right?
yeah.
i remembered this kind of thing from england.
for realsies.
those folks love a double biscuit with jam in it.
it's the way they get fresh when tea is not enough, i assume.
they called 'em viennese whirls, for whatever reason-
pastry-style piped shortbread in the british fashion-
which means there's some corn flour in there
for creating crumbly crumbs an' that.
mmmmm.
and in-between the two spirals,
there's raspberry jam,
and a healthy swirl of vanilla-lemon-orange-icing,.
...witn both kinds of zest, obvi.
extra smooth-whipped and fully buttercreamed,
with citrus to make it airier than anything else.
all together,
they are just about the most baller-A* doodietwinkling super-deluxe
simple and elegant hottness i've had in my mouth for ages.
the confectioners sugar is what activates it, i think.
yeah,
that's what it is.
a little snow-dusted extra sumthin'-sumthin'-style something
to sweeten up my bitter face in the morning.
shortbread going long on flavor is how i'm living right now.
there's not much else going on,
so that means i'll need twice as many cookies;
never quiet, never soft.....

fancypants.

duders,
i'm all about that cake.
yes.
cake.
...and the more expert the better.
y'know?
so when it was time to activate a little somethin' special,
i made sure to make sure the superfancy business was assured.
black tea is delicious, and that citrusy bergamot magic
that pops out in our main man earl grey's namesake is number one
for sophisticated delicate delicacy-style sips an' that.
so,
when i made up some better batter,
i added in a couple bags of that, to make it best,
and then took it to eleven with the essence of lavender leaves, too.
uh-huh.
why would i do that?
because i know all about getting rad in the kitchen, kids.
c'mon.
was it earl grey and lavender cake?
no way.
it was those accents that took it to unassailable heights of hottness,
but it was lemon poppyseed cake.
check the bundt-looks-a-lot-like-a-butthole-type teleport:

boom!!!
a finessed atoll of crumb and citrus and leaves and seeds.
that's what's up.
lemon juice, lemon extract, tons of buttery pats,
and lemon zest added in with the tea and lavender and sugar,
ahead of time, for soaking in and saturating everything.
yep.
there's the tiniest babiest bit of orange zested zip, too,
to accentuate the subtleties of the earl grey goodness.
oh,
and lemon-juicy vanillemon icing, with even more zest,
this time doo-dooing double duty as sprankles!
F*ing right, neighbors...
and then there's the poppyseeds.
tiny black dots that mix in with all the tea dust,
so the peppered flecks of dark contrast with the light yellowy
sunshine of the moistest and bestest circle of cake that
the woodsly goodness has seen in years.  
that's a thing.
*
i'm eating cake for breakfast,
even if it's brutally british,
and crucially old-fashioned.
so?
you know you wish YOU had some.
well,
i'm easy to find.
keep an ear open, and your feet on the ground,
and if you make it to the tattbomb sh!t-shack,
well,
your watering mouth might be rewarded with a slice.
you decide your own level of involvement.
active participants get treats,
weak-sauce waterbabies get lost;
never quiet, never soft.....

pots and loaves.

there are two things that are especially expert
and which are found in the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress
at all times as a matter of fact and function.
hmmm?
you know what they are.
c'mon.
think.
got it?
yeah, you do.
treats and plants.
what's better than those two things?
......oh.
well,
yeah,
that IS better,
but growing plants and baked greatness are pretty damned good, too.
that's real.
in a surging feeling of bright bright brightness,
i might've made another 'nother purchase of my favorite vine.
yuuuuup.
ivy is in even fuller effect than ever before,
with 3 more kinds of twining green hottness
sittin' pretty on a sill that wasn't there before.
check the sexy-shelf-full-of-sexier-ivy-type teleport:

mmmmmmm.
just picture it, neighbors,
when they're all full and crawling everywhere.
i get pretty psyched on wall-to-wall vines indoors.
we'll see how it goes, as life unfolds and expands.
*
treats!!
what do you duders know about tropical fruit?
right.
it's sweet.
i found dried papaya spears,
and i cut 'em up in to little squares.
i bought dried pineapple chunks,
the unsulphured unsugared ones,
and i cut them up into smaller squares, too.
i got banana chips, and i smashed them into shapes,
not square, in the least, but smaller and smaller, anyway.
and i took some fancypantsy small unsweetened coconut flakes,
and i put it all together in one spot.
what?
oh,
the spot was a little coconut-flour and banana-type bread,
in miniature.
word up.
check the baby-banana-bread-type teleport:

woohoooo!
icing? of course.
toasted coconut sprankles?
c'mon.
what am i?
an A*-hole?
i always make sure it's extra fancy.
the crumb is moist and buttery.
the fruit is dense and dope and delicious.
the banana and the coconut are in love,
and the papaya and the pineapple are their little babies.
yep.
that's cute.
i'm eating the heck out of 'em, too.
...in my bedroom, near the ivy, relaxing and enjoying the sunshine.
little loaves, little leaves, little things-
all at the same time,
and all really making it so much better-
this morning is a good one...
we'll see if the afternoon can keep up;
never quiet, never soft.....

starting off righteous.

breakfast!
that's the stuff.
the morning glorious goodness for our faces.
and neighbors,
lemme tell y'all somethin'-
rinotta-be-kiddin'-me chee'-filled vegan crepes??!
oh MAN!
those jauns are from the future of expert activation.
no doubt about it.
check the april's-foolishness-type teleport:

c'mon.
red-white-and-blue breakfast potatoes,
parboiled until softer than raw,
pan-fried in sweet onions and too many buttery pale yellow pats,
and finished in an oven for all-over even crispy outsides.
that's good for you.
tiny cubes of extra-super-holy-crap-that's-firm tofu,
seasoned with g.p.o.p. and turmeric and smoky paprika and black pepper,
and then taken to eleven with bacon-style chunky sprankles.
mmmhmmmm.
and when the super-simple crepes got rolled around
in a really really hot pan sizzling with coconut oil,
and came out perfectly on my first take, ever?
yes, kids.
that's when i knew april first was gonna be a good one.
so,
to celebrate the day one dopeness,
i hit the whole plate off with a garnish of parsley sprankles.
of course i did.
friends,
starting the day right is important.
a hot cuppa rich strong irish breakfast tea,
 and a jar of cranberry juice, activated with lemon-lime spritzin'
just to make sure i've got all the fancy business in order, y'know?
i doo-doo that elite overindulgence-type sh!t.
for realsies.
two kinds of potatoes;
two kinds of beverages;
two types of sprankles;
too much of all of it-
and all of it really just for getting the day started properly.
that's just the thing.
***********
the day was fifty-five degrees above zero degrees fahrenheit.
that's crazy talk.
my steep and dirty dirt road washed away,
and the snow kept melting, and running off,
and rinsing the rocks clean underneath the mud my main drive has become.
wow.
it's a mess up here,
but it's better than freezing our A*'s off,
so you won't hear any complaints from the denizens,
worthy, warrior, or otherwise,
of these mountains and forests of woodsly flippin' goodness.
warm and wrecked is better than cold and busted.
every time;
never quiet, never soft.....

rabbbbbit........rrrrrrabbit

yeah, i said it.
y'know?
mmhmm.
i said exactly what the heck you think i did.
that's right.
the magic words, neighbors.
uh-huh, the good ones-
for expert activation;
for good-luck coincidence cultivation;
for first-of-the-monthly movie check generation;
for active really real worthy warrior poetic participation;
for all that and then some, all the time, every single time....
i say it out loud at the page-turning, clock-stroking switch
from last month to this month,
and i say it again,
just in case, as soon as my eyes open wide in the dawn's early an' that.
word up.
in this particular incidental fortune-favor-currying instance,
there's only one situationally site-specific stipulation-
and that is that in order to cast the spell correctly,
you've gotta say the right incantation at the right moment...
...or else it doesn't work..
rules is rules, kids.
once you know 'em,
you'd do well to observe the proper practices therein.
anyway,
you'd better believe that i did it,
double rs and quadruple b's all over the flippin' place:
rabbit, rabbit!
because who doesn't want more good stuff?
only an A*-hole.
that's who.
yeah.
***********
oh,
yeah, duders,
i had some good-riddance-to-a-dumb-month macaroni last night.
huh?
oh, it's definitely a thing,
and it definitely happened.
check the gnocchi-look-like-grubs-type teleport:

mmmmmmmmm.
shallots, and reddish-beige-ish bacony chunks,
with wilted baby tomato semi-circles and asparagus spears,
lubed up with a nootch-blasted volcanic veganic creme sauce,
all over those potato pasta larvae,
with curly-leaf parsley sprankles.
yes.
my mouth was well rewarded for my hands' efforts.
march was a real b!tch-A* thing to do,
but maybe the golden showers of april will make up for it?
what-what say-what say-whaaaaat?
yep.
anything could happen;
never quiet, never soft.....

out like a ram.

march is on it's way out.
finally.
this month was a real mother'ucker, kids.
no spare seconds for catching breaths,
no free moments from tattooing, baking,
scratching or surviving.
all of my time, all of the time, was taken up.
and now,
finally, we're segueing into april.
showers upon showers upon showers shall ensue.
oh.
unless you're in the mystic mudroom sunspots
of my well-lit and illuminated solar-kissed sexiness
inside the glazed and infused Folk Life & Liberty Fortress.
yeah.
that's a thing,
check the early-peach-tree-blossom-type teleport:

kaBOOM!
sunbeams and reflected snowbling dazzlers have combined
to raise the ambient temperature up enough to activate life
a damned sight sooner than the not-so-great outdoors
would've up in this woodsly goodness' cold cold clutches.
word up.
no doubt about it, neighbors-
march was another in a short line of bitter months.
2014 can suck all the balls, so far,
and that's for really real.
who knows, tho?
maybe april will wash away the sht-salad,
and reveal a secret silver sparkle underneath?
maybe.
i won't hold my breath, however.
in like an icy idiot,
out like an icy A*-hole....
lions and lambs aren't the animals i'd associate with
this month of hard styles and bad-to-worsening weather.
oh, well.
nice or not,
like it or not,
it's all really happening;
never quiet, never soft.....

ivy.

climbing,
creeping,
clinging,
twining,
vining tendrils of reaching righteous leafy goodness.
yes.
neighbors,
i've got six kinds of ivy in my house, so far.
and i need MORE.
i want my bedroom to be the kind of hallowed hall
that is usually reserved for higher powered higher learning
among the bricks and mortar of the ivy league.
y'know?
yeah.
i want a luxurious greenhouse of english magic,
and coiled feelers flowing like rainbow waterfalls
of green and white and red and purple.
because that's cool, tho.
after all,
how is having a bursting bower full of leaves and oxygen lame?
i dunno.
i do know that that sort of horticultural activation is happening, tho.
so there's that.
and on the ones-
ivy is definitely invited to the Folk life & Liberty Fortress.
that's real.
i've got all sorts of varieties taking root in water,
so i can eventualy spread 'em out and repot 'em
everywhere there's shelf space, floor space, wall space,
or even just a little nook for stashing a sprig of expanding life.
i'm tellin' y'all.
check the bottle-service-type teleport:

c'mon, how is that not expert?
right?
mmhmm.
and i've even got a brand new variegated spike leaf jauns,
and i dug deep and placed her in a new pot already.
teleport:

yeah!
i want all the life,
every chlorophyll-filled cell,
every photosynthesizing sprout,
and all the branches and blades and roots and sh!t,
and i want them all to flourish inside my flippin' castle.
nature always wins,
and i wanna ride those coattails to collateral victory.
is that ok?
i mean,
i need the new hottness to cascade across the sills
of my still and silent rooms, friends.
really.
hey-
if you've got ivy growing in your spot,
snap me off a tiny snippet,
and i'll add it in to the mix.
more is always better.
and more is what i want;
never quiet, never soft.....

miniature monsters.

i just can't help it....
i need to be baking up some fresh little flour-powered fun things.
no joke.
i get all kinds of activated,
taking the measured and estimated somethings,
and putting the educated guesses and do-it-live ungiven-F*'s
all together in a pot or a bowl or a pan or a cup,
and the adding it all up into large sums of damned good baked goods.
mmhmmm.
that's real.
putting the convection'd heat to the confection'd treats is rad.
what i mean is-
i just love it, neighbors.
making something great, and making it up out of my little brain,
with my big hands and my whole heart an' that.
yeah.
so what if i'm a little bit of a sappy nerd-baby about how much
i truly enjoy doing expert things in my kitchen?
like i said-
i can't help it, it's just what's up.
okay.
but what am i munchin' up on today?
check the teleport:

miniature itty-bitty baby one-bite bombs!
chocolate chips and muffiny batter in the tiniest little cups,
with the swirled-up sexy sugar-blasted frosting magic
of dark chocolate and creamy vanilla on top.
friends,
they taste like cookies,
and they feel like muffins.
and they're just the right size for filling up your mouth,
and munching 'em up by the handful.
i'm powering through a plateful for breakfast.
(and i'll probably have some for lunch, too)
the best part about making treats on treats on treats is that i can
overeat a whole pile of every dang thing every dang day.
.....but i don't, because nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.
yikes!
that's not a thing....is it?
maybe.
but,
i do bring all these brown and beige bits and pieces to the tattoo studio,
and sharing is pretty nice to do, too, sometimes.
uh-huh.
i share because i need to save myself from myself.
y'know?
if the treats stay here, i'll have to destroy them all with teeth and tongue,
and i can't have that on my conscience and in my bellyhole.
so,
sharing with all y'all is what's gonna go down instead.
ok?
yep.
oh, you're welcome.
hahahaha.
*
there's never enough,
even when there's too much.
i'm positive that the math on that is accurate.
that's the thought i woke up to,
and it's what i'm mulling over today.
this is it,
and that's that.
more and more and more is what i want,
and i'll do what i have to do in order to get it.
that means doing more in order to get more,
and being more in order to merit more.
trying harder is the first order of business today,
and every day.
if it doesn't go to eleven,
it doesn't go where it's supposed to.
i guess i'd better get busier with my get-busy business;
never quiet, never soft.....

buhnaynaynuunuu.

hmmm?
dark-chocolate banana creme pie?
yes, please.
that sounds super-expert,
and i want it in my face.
right now.
lucky for me,
i made some.
ha.
yes, neighbors, i did.
mashed up nanners,
and melted down-chocolate,
and whipped up sugary-sweet silken stuff.
all of it, all together,
to make my mouth get activated on that
creme and fruit and dark brown business.
check the teleport:

yuuup.
what?
yeah,
those ARE banana slices covered in german chocolate sprankles.
huh?
yes,
that IS two-tone swirled frosting goobieblop ornamentation.
you know how i doo-doo that superfancy unnecessary sh!t.
hmm?
yeah,
i DID actually cocoa-dust and chocolate-lace
a powdered-up and ultra-pulverized graham crackery crust.
twice the crackers in the same space, kids,
because too much remains the eternally essential right amount.
that's a thing.
it's very soft, and very smooth, and very mutha-'ucking delicious.
you need some of this,
and i have some of this,
and i might even share a little teeny tiny sliver
of my brown on brown on yellowish on brown silky stuff with y'all.
yeah, you're welcome.
what's that, now?
oh, i know-
not everyone likes chocolate,
and not everyone likes bananas,
and i'm sure there are even people who can't hang out with pie
in any shape or size.
but that's their loss,
and our gain, friends,
because that just means there are extra slices for us.
wu-TANG!
i'm gonna glob it down my face, for sure,
and i'm gonna bring it with me to work, as well.
***********
work and work and work and work.
seems all i'm ever doing is working.
that's not a bad thing,
but it's not exactly a great thing either.
no, really.
a grand don't ever come for free;
and movie checks aren't gonna write themselves;
but damn, kids,
these days are all a blur of bad ideas and weird people,
hard styles, long nights, early mornings, and vanishing hours.
there's not enough time,
even when sleep barely even ever happens.
yikes.
i want to make the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress even better.
i need to, really.
if this is where i am, and presumably where i belong,
then i'm gonna need to make it more of my own.
whatever that entails.
and there's the rub, nubs-
i don't know what's next,
i'm just powering along like a juggernaut,
making small gains and incurring large losses.
jeez.
bullishly bulldozing through every afternoon,
and powerhouse pummeling every morning and night into submission.
there's certainly a lot of all of it,
and it's definitely really happening.
i guess that's the best i can hope for.
i've got my grind date to make,
and i'm grinding.
each and every day,
every hour minute and second is grist for my gruel.
there's a lot of grit and grime,
a lot of blood and sweat,
and all of it seems to make a mess of everything else.
it's worth it?
hmmm;
never quiet, never soft.....

twenty seven on the twenty seventh.

duders,
my buddy beau is having a berfday today.
that's a thing.
i mean,
he doesn't really get a choice, y'know?
today is the day he turns twenty seven,
and it's all really happening,
whether he likes it or not.
now,
i'm always down to get expert whenever.
so when i asked him what he wanted,
he made a request for treats.
i'm a pretty good listener,
and an even better baker.
so,
i turned words into deeds,
and actions spoke out even louder and prouder.
hmmm?
yeah.
check the berfday teleport:

c'mon.
a peanut butter blueberry block!
yes.
that's correct.
peanut butter, and blueberry, at the same time.
oh, yeah, i know-
those flavors would usually be reserved for service
as an upgraded version of the classic pb&j sandwich.....
but,
not when it's berfday time in the Folk Life & Liberty test kitchen.
don't be dumb, neighbors.
so,
i activated a little tiny bit of ingenuity,
and made up a soft and sweet peanut buttery blueberry-blasted
barbarian batter for the guy.
i'm semi-secretly kinda nice, y'know?  
it's not as sugary as some of my other stuff.
what can i tell you?
he likes it dense and drab.
i hit it up and freaked it off with some elite blueberry-laced
dark chocolate ganache drizzle, though,
to turn it back up,
and take it back to the new hottness i feel better about creating.
that's real.
huh?
dry roasted crushed peanut sprankles??
yuuuup.
obvi.
i mean, what am i?
a half-steppin' A*-hole?
nope.
i'm a believer in gratitude and generosity,
and the hospitable helping of my chosen few peoples.
that's viking virtuousness,
and it's that sort of spirit that makes things matter more.
today is the day.
a berfday.
the worst day.
or maybe even a not-so-bad day.
it's too soon to tell,
but there'll be cake either way.
it's all really happening.
27 on the twenty-seventh an' all that;
never quiet, never soft.....