FILTHY JOSEPH!!

what the eff is a sloppy joe?
apparently it's a big butt-nasty mess,
which could probably be better,
and that's what i'm all about.
so,
instead of finding out about sloppy joe,
i decided to forge my own path,
and upgrade to a couple of FILTHY JOSEPHS.
yeah!
check it out:

Wu-TANG!
buttery soft and toasty buns!
crispy roasted then pan fried potatoes!!
wilty spinach!
white onion penstils.
hmm?
what are penstils?
well, when i was a kid, the first time i experienced little onion bits on a hamburger
i freaked the F* out.
i'm talking tears, disconsolate distress, borderline tantrum sh!t.
why?
because i didn't know what they were-
and i decided in the moment that would be know as, you guess it: penstils.
so,
some of those,
and a whole big batch of that tempeh-based crOmbly messiness.
all together that's actually a really damned good tasting sandwich.
and good tasting sandwiches are the only ones invited to sandwich week.
obvi.
-
whats IN this slovenly giuseppe?
man, a LOT.
you want the list?
ok.
-
*
FILTHY JOSEPH!
-
in a 2 quart saucepot, with 2 T oil, on high heat, combine:
one half of a sweet onion, minced;
2 cloves crushed garlic;
1 cup chopped baby sweet tomatoes;
1 8 oz block of finely chopped tempeh;
when the onions get clear,
add 1/4 cup each diced red orange yellow green pepper;
1 tsp cumin;
1 tsp hot paprika;
1 tsp ground coriander seed;
1 tsp guajillo or whatever dried pepper powder;
2 T tamari;
2 shakes of liquid smoke;
black pepper;
1 cup vegetable broth;
1 cup crushed tomatoes;
1 T brown sugar;
1 T maple syrup;
1 tsp vegan worcestershire sauce.
bring it all to a boil,
then simmer it for an hour.
mmhmmm.
it's just a pot of stuff.
adjust the spices as necessary according to your personal tastes:
i added two glugs of ho'sauce and some cayenne, too.
and i finished it off with a tablespoon of chopped parsley
and another one of fresh cilantro,
plus a tablespoon of chopped scallion, as well.
dudes!
it's really good.
and simple.
and it's almost ugly, if it weren't for the white onion sprankles,
and the exxxtra scallions, and the spinach (to make it healthy),
and those crispy salt-and pepper fries.
yeah.
the fries do a certain special kind of somethin' to it.
that's real talk.
i mean, i've been making fries all week-
what's better than bread? potatoes AND bread.
just what i needed.
mmmmmm.
olive oil, salt, pepper, parchment, and a 400℉ oven.
that's all you need.
i finished mine off with a high-heat skillet flash fry,
after i toasted up the brea, for that little exxxtra-crissspy action,
just because OVERdoing it is the ONLY way.
rules is rules.

THAT'S what i'm talking about!!!!
the bread was beyond awesome, and i made four buns,
two for the joses and two for buffalo cauliflower.
the buttered tops and bottoms, fried in a glug of olive oil,
really had me feeling a special kind of way.
a fattie-boombattie toasted bun is one of the most satisfying pleasures on eath.
for real.
here's how i did it THIS time:
-
*
NEW CRUSTIES!
-
in my stand mixer, using a provided (a.k.a permanently affixed) dough hook,
i combined:
1 cup king arthur bread flour;
3/4 cup king arthur all-purpose flour;
1/4 cup +2 T king arthur white whole wheat flour;
1 tsp sugar;
1 pkg active dry yeast;
1 pkg fast-actin' yeast;
2 tsp sea salt;
1 cup warm water.
i kneaded all that up for 11 minutes,
formed it into a tight shiny ball, covered it and let it triple in size.
while that was going on i preheated my oven to 400 luscious degrees.
i punched down and divided my dough into four even pieces,
and arranged them on parchment to re-rise again for thirty minutes.
i drizzled 'em with oil, slashed a few steam slots in there,
and baked them for twenty-five minutes,
adding hot water to the baking stone i keep in my oven,
to improve the crust a whole bunch with that steamy dreaminess.
mmmmhmmm...
what did i get for my trouble?
the best damned bread i had all week, SON.
hahahahaha.
word up.
-
and there you have it.
MORE sandwiches.
i'm full.
i'm always full.
but i keep eatin',
because that's what the objective is.
i dunno if i'm doing it right,
i just know that i'm doing this for just another day and a half,
and then it's broccoli and lettuce and sh!t six days a week for the rest of the month.
we'll see if that's true or not,
but right now, i think that's the right idea;
never quiet, never soft.....

BUFFZIES!!!

sandwich week is comin' correct, kids.
there's just been SO many sandwiches,
so much food,
so much bread,
and so many masterful flavors and textures,
each one better than the last.
it's just been a steadily building exxxplosion of improved expertism,
and that, in turn, has been steadily building my waistline
into a wider and wobblier version of the original.
i may actually look worse than i did on the last day of august,
and i don't even necessarily feel better for all i've nourished my soul with soul food,
but my tastes have been indulged to the fullest levels allowed
by the limitations of my senses and the decadence has been a worthwhile experience.
i mean.
c'mon man, fourteen months since the last sandwich week?
that's lame.
and i think my fondness and the long absence have created a bombogenesis of
bread and stuff that goes to eleven.
and that's the truth.
last night, for the friday night delight,
it was time to really get things crankin',
and make some deluxxxe buffalo cauliflower.
check it:

WOOOOOOOOOOOOORD!!
with jalapeno potato crissssps on the side,
and a well-buttered hella-toasted bad-A* bun.
these jauns are actually almost too damned delicious.
i don't need this many sandwiches.......
but i want this many sandwiches.

how do i make buffalo cauliflower this F*ing awesome?
it's not as hard as you might thing.
you just do this:
-
*
BATTERZ!
-
turn your oven up to 375℉
-
in a medium-sized mixin' bowl,
mix up:
1/4 + 2 tsp + cup chickpea flour;
2 T non-GMO organic cornstarch;
1/2 tsp ea GPOP;
1/4 tsp black pepper & cayenne pepper;
1/4 tsp smoked paprika;
1 T nutritional yeast;
2 T texas pete ho'sauce;
1/3 cup non-dairy milk;
2 T pickle brine...
that's the batter-
roll your bite sized florets chunks around in there until they're totally covered,
and lay 'em out on parchment on a baking tray, and place them in the oven
for ten-fifteen minutes.
when the batter looks solid,
take your caulinuggies out, and put them in large bowl,
and add in 2/3rds of the buff' sauce and toss 'em until they're coated...
rearrange 'em back on the parchment,
and turn the heat up to 400℉
that's the stuff.
another ten minutes in there, and you'll have somethin' expert.
then,
you hit 'em with another other 'nother blast of cooked buttery buff activation.
too much is the right amount.
that's all y'all need to know.
but that's not even it, which is wild as hell.

and for the record dudes:
THIS buff sauce is the big activated busy businesstime action, bro.
you want a recipe?
i got you:
-
*
BUFFFF!
-
1/4 cup vegan mayo;
2 tsp nutritional yeast;
1/4 cup frank's red hot sauce;
1 T sriracha;
1/4 tsp cayenne;
black pepper, Garlic Powder, Onion Powder, hot paprika,
and dash of smoked paprika;
1/2 tsp vegan worcestershire;
2 tsp pickle brine.
is it great?
it IS great.
spicy, creamy, smooth, tangy, vinegar-sharpened boomfire for your face.
-
the last 1/3rd of the sauce?
well,
i want you to add 2 T of vegan butter to it in a small pot,
and maybe another dash of frank's,
and heat it up until it gets dark and lovely and viscous.
the cooked finishing sauce turns the whole deal up to 11.
truth.
it's a simple exxxtra, but it makes SUCH a difference.

right?
that's lookin' tiiiiiiight.
and that grange?
y'know?
that's vegan ranch, from scratch.
and it's F*ing expert.
you want the new-new?
i got it, and i'm gonna share it:
-
*
GRANGE!!
-
you just need a little bowl and a spatula, and then you mix together:
1/4 cup vegan sour creme;
2 T vegan mayo;
2 T non-dairy milk;
1 T pickle brine;
2 tsp lemon juice;
1/2 tsp lemon zest;
3 cloves fresh raw spicy crushed garlic;
1/2 tsp ea GPOP;
a heavy dash of  paprika;
1/4 tsp coarse cracked black pepper;
1ish tsp dried dill;
4 tsp minced fresh flat parsley.
mixed and mixed and mixed until it's a chunky, zesty, creamy magic SAUCE.
and that's what y'all're gonna want.
-
the bottom salad is just right-
radicchio, slivered celery, and cilantro, together, lookin' goooooooood.
and red onion, extra sharp, for a crisp slap across the top.
and the sauces, and the baked cauliflower,
and that bun.
bro.
the bun is what absolutely makes this the best ever.
it's a very soft, very light, very well-toasted buttery brown-edged victory.
neighbors-
the buns are heroic.

yeah.
olive-oiled tops, proofed to a big ol' risen roundness,
baked up and browned,
then split, and toasted in a lightly oiled pan......
i know it's a LOT of fat,
but it's the MOST flavor i can even imagine.
damn.
i'm happy about how good these were.
i'm sad (and relieved) they're gone, though.
i'd still be eating if there was still something to eat.
and i don't need to do that.
so many sandwiches, so much joy, and so many residual repercussions.
i'm making magic happen, and i'm staling for time.
monday, the world returns to normal, and all this big fun is over;
never quiet, never soft.....

BRAIDS!!

super-sexxxy braised soft pretzel bread?
sandwich week is not for you if you're not for that.
i mean it.
you've probably seen my soft pretzel scene before.
these have it all, only bigger.
yup.
here's the basic recipe- i just made six big braids out of the same dough, bro.
mmhmm.
i had to make 'em large and in charge so i could fit alllllll this stuff:

WORD.
i mean,
these big bad bossman braids had it ALL.
a blt is some sort of legendary sandwich for its simplicity,
but i ain't with that, kids.
nope.
too much is the right amount,
and if i'm gonna do it?
i'm gonna overdo it, and hard.
f'real.
so these have hummus,
and red onion,
and fried tofu,
and mixed greens,
and sprouts,
and microgreens,
and hot-house juicy tomato,
and AVO-F*ING-CADO,
and a load of extra-mapley tempeh bacon,
and THAT'S how you doo-doo that freaky sht, son.
no jokes.
by this point in sandwich week,
i think we all know what's up,
and just scrolling along will have most of the stuff's recipes here or there.
so,
i'll skip all the little bitty details,
not because they aren't important but because i want you to look at my food,
and i want you to go back and look at allllll the days of this wonderful weeklong
weird food-fetishism.
yup.
i said it.
so look:

GOLDEN!!
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress has great morning light,
but it only affords limited lumens in the kitchen these days
due to the thriving treeline a the perimeter of the property blocking all the sun.
awwww.
but i'm the type to take the photoshoot to a different spot, man.
uh-huh.
rules is rules,
and if it doesn't look good, it isn't good.
yep.
but, really, tho:

c'mon!
that's what i needed to start my day-
a HUGE masterwork of morning glorious goodness,
100% vegan,
100% delicious.
111% expert.
what else even is there to say?
just this:

loud, fresh, hardness for your face;
never quiet, never soft.....

TEXAS?!

yooo!!!!
how about a brutally burly barbarian black bean burger?
yeah?
yeah!
that's what's up.
but what if i put pink bean chili on top?
is that cool?
it is?!
yeah!!
okay, i think i'm getting the idea.
so, if i put a bunch of spicy stuff on a homemade jaun,
and activate it all with turbo-spicy crispy fries,
would that be...........expert?
look:

YUUUUUUP!!!
SO expert.
hey, don't go getting too worked up about it, but that's a soft store-bough bread.
yeah. it is. and it works, so i'm not sweating it at all.
we got crispy green lettuce.
we got crawnchy purple cabbage.
we got caramelized onion.
we got pickles jalapenos.
we got cilantro sprankles.
and all of that adds up to an ultra-activated accoutrement complement.
this isn't some ordinary semi-southwestern selection for suppertime, though, neighbors.
nope.
this is muh-F*in' sandwich week,
and that's where the real ones come to show and prove.
hahahah.
it's literally only ever been just me.
which is sad, in a few different ways, but i'll live, man.
the thing is, i had the oven cranking for other stuff,
so i baked up some crissssspy seasoned spicy fries:
that's three potatoes, split into sticks,
drizzled with olive oil,
and tossed with an absolutely subjective sampling of:
cumin, coriander, GPOP, black pepper, pink salt, smoked hot paprika,
and turmeric and cayenne.
uh-huh.
coated, arranged in a single layer, and baked until their spicy skins were golden and sexxxy.
that's great stuff. i made a lot. i ate them all. that's what i DO.
*

the chili was also pretty freakin' good stuff.
i had one finely minced small white onion,
one even finer minced small carrot,
one and a half cups of chopped sweet baby grape tomatoes,
three cloves of garlic,
a spoonful of cumin, a spoonful of coriander,
guajillo pepper powder, smoked paprika, oregano, thyme,
and two tablespoons of smashed-up cilantro stems simmering on the stove
long enough for the onions to get translucent over high heat with just a little oil.
to that i added one cup of vegetable broth,
one cup of crushed tomatoes,
a glug of maple syrup,
a splash of tamari,
a shake of liquid smoke,
and a 15oz can of drained pink beans.
a bay leaf, some fresh cilantro, and a long slow low bubblin' spell
had me all sorts of savory and salivatin' over this stuff.
there's a lot IN it, but there's not a lot to making it.
and that's nice.
so, that was thick and rich and spicy and smellin' hella good,
and that's the sort of thing we all like, isn't it?
i think it might be.
*

and then there's the burgers.
dudes,
i've gotten increasingly distant from the veggie burger making scene.
i'm never ever really all that psyched about 'em.
however,
inasmuch as i don't like making them,
i really enjoyed eatin' these ones.
i looked at a lotta recipes,
and then tried to make something from what i could recollect.
want the details?
alright:
-
*
BURGZ!
-
1/2 caramelized onion;
3 cloves roasted garlic;
1 tsp ea Garlic powder Onion Powder;
3 T tamari;
1/3 cup breadcrumbs( i used gf rice jauns);
2 dashes liquid smoke;
3 T parsley;
3 T cilantro;
1 cup dry-fried black beans;
1/2 cup toasted walnuts;
1/3 cup chickpea flour;
salt;
black pepper and a dash of cumin and paprika and thyme and sage to taste.
i pulverized all of that in a food processor until it was a semi-chunky pasty mess.
then i let it sit for thirty minutes,
before i formed up 4 BIG patties, and fried them, on medium-high heat,
with a generous dose of oil,
and a splash of water when the outside started looking dry.
i wasn't expecting that, but the interiors were still soft and hearty and neither dry nor crumbly.
so it worked.
and they tasted good.
and that makes me happy always.
and when everything got layered up?
it went to eleven.
duh.
c'mon, man.
i'm not tryna have a bad time during sandwich week.
.
.
.
...but i AM.
i have all the details of real life falling apart all around me.
it's okay, man.
i'm not looking for sympathy, i'm just sayin'-
outside of the tippity-tappity edited typing of this unidirectional missive
about my magnificent meals,
there are even more massive misgivings about every other single thing.
so, it's like destiny's dominoes are tumbling all day,
but not in any discernable sequence-
i can never predict where the disruptions will begin,
or which direction they'll avalanche and launch in,
and that's weird, because that's exactly how real dominoes DON'T work.
and meanwhile i'm eating a LOT of food and a LOT of bread,
and i can't say for sure that that's a good idea,
but maybe neither is anything else,
so i'm making it through until monday,
and then a new plan has to get formed up for the fall and the winter.
none of it feels good, but the sandwiches TASTE great, so at least there's that;
never quiet, never soft.....

ITALIANO!!!

i dunno why the sandwiches have been so italian lately.
i mean,
sandwich week is non-denominational,
anti-nationalist, 0% ethnocentric, and 111% inclusive as long as there's bread involved.
like, c'mon, neighbors-
it's just sandwiches all the effing time.
and yet, here's another 'nother one that feels molto italiano:

i like that red white and green, son.
y'feel me?
roasted red peppers.
oregano-rosemary potatoes.
blanched and seared broccoli rabe.
thiccc fried garlic slices.
caramelized sweet onion pesto.
and sesame-seeded semolina bread right out of the oven.
expert in all the ways that matter, man.
the colors are bright.
the textures are tight.
and the taste is off the hinges with exxxcellence.
how much exxxtra-virgin olive oil am i reppin' on this one.
a lot.
and does that make a difference?
it does.
*
the potatoes were tossed with oil, salt, pepper, nootch, oregano, and rosemary,
the roasted up until golden at the edges and soft in the centers.
that's perfect.
how hot was the oven?
400 luscious degrees.
*
the peppers were blackened, bagged, peeled, and heated up,
then sliced, stripped, and laid out with their full-bodied rich slippery selves
all across the top.
i've made good ones before, but these were some of the best.
i roasted them the night before, in a 400℉ oven until they blackened,
and put 'em in a plastic bag, which loosens the skins for easy removal.
expert.
*
the broccoli rabe was blanched for exactly two minutes in boiling salty water,
then drained completely, and pan-fried with a dash of salt and pepper
for another couple of minutes...it doesn't need much, it's already great.
*
fried garlic speaks for itself. and it says: "i'm dope all day every day."
and that's no joke.

that caramelized sweet onion pesto is pretty terrific, dudes.
it's half an onion, minced, with a clove of garlic, and a pinch of sugar,
slowly browned over medium-low heat, with the oil i used to cook the garlic.
when the onions got translucent,
 i added 2 tsp of red wine vinegar and some salt,
and reduced the whole thing until it was rich and dark,
then i mashed it all up and spread it on those homemade buns.
yeah.

good bread makes better people,
and the breads are getting better and better around here.
-
*
SESAME-SEEDED SEMOLINA BREAD!
-
the oven is basically always running around 400℉ over here.
-
in my stand mixer with the dough hook doing its strongarm thing, i mixed:
1 cup king arthur white whole wheat flour;
3/4 cup king arthur bread flour;
1/4 cup semolina flour;
1 pkg dry active yeast;
2 tsp sea salt;
1 tsp sugar;
1 tsp bread machine yeast;
3 T toasted sesame seeds;
2 T olive oil;
1 cup warm water.
kneaded on low-low for 11 minutes,
and risen until doubled in size,
divided into 3, rolled in cormeal,
and allowed to rise with slits in the tops for another 'nother twenty-thirty minutes or so.....
then baked for thirty minutes.
it's not even really science, it's just F*ing awesome.
and molto italiano.
and molto delicioso.
and just another notch in the ol' sandwich week conquest belt.
yep.
***********
i may be the worst at everything else.
i'm certainly overwhelmed and under-enthused and distant, literally, and figuratively,
at the least,
and abrasice and confrontational and explosive at the worst.....
it isn't easy, but i doubt that is the sort of thing anybody really cares about.
i love birthdays. i do. for real, and a lot.
yesterday, my littlest sister would've been 39.
and that F*ing sucks.
and it affected every aspect fo my day, even though there's nothing i can do about it.
so,
i had a tough time, and even throwing myself into work,
or distracting myself with sandwiches,
or focusing on the hurtful back and forth between me and those closest to me
didn't help at all.
if anything, everything made it worse,
and by the time it was dinnertime,
i didn't even document what i was eatin' because it didn't matter.
(it was excellent, of course).
the things that ARE really happening feel pretty bad,
and the things that aren't feel the same.
i may be some sort of sandwich savant,
but i'm a sh!t-hot mess in every other way;
never quiet, never soft.....

TATTZZZZ

i sorta still do tattoos all the time.
sometimes i even do bigger ones.
yeah.
i mean, i eff around with those money tattz and pile up the stacks on stacks,
but occasionally, i get to do something way more fun.
yesterday, i did some of that:

shoutouts to those big flowers.
i mean,
when clients come back around, it's kinda nice.
and when whole families come through?
it's even better.
AMPERSAND TATTOO wants your household to all come and get tattooed.
even the underage kids.
SIKE!!
don't be dumb.
we're law abiders, bro.
but if you need a giant tattoo in a hurry,
with alllll the lines and all the greys,
we got you;
never quiet, never soft.....

NASHVILLE HOTTZ!

that double-dip is the drippy-drip.
that's right.
if you want sexy, crispy, HOT m-f'n chick'nish seitan on a sandwich,
you gotta get right right from the jump.
so, there's my patented expert homemade seitan,
dredged in organic non-GMO cornstarch,
dunked in an eggless butterless milkless coating,
and dropped into a gluten-free crispy hot and spicy breading.
yeah, boyyyyyyyyyy.
if you know what's good, you'll see immediately that this is IT.
teleport:

SAAAAAANDWICH WEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!
hahahahah.
yeah!
crawnchy slaw!!
vegan mayo!
sharp red onion!!
crisp cool pickles!
tangy ho'sauce!!
hot cayenne oil drizzles!!!
and that hella tight exxxtra-expert nashville fried spicy seitan, SON!
if you don't get down with spice,
you'd better be seven years old,
or else your sh!t is WEAK AF, and you're not invited.
that's no joke.
i had two inches of vegetable oil in a 2 quart pot, gettin' hot while i got my sh!t together.
mmhmm.
and i had my seitan slabs pressed, so they were damp, but in no way sopping wet.
(seitan is best when stored in the broth you've made it in, so it acts like a sponge)
now,
i had three bowls set up.
in the first: the cornstarch, and some salt.
in the second: 1/2 cup s'milk, plus 1 T chia/flax/hempseed blend, and 2 T pickle brine,
and 1 T egg replacer powder, all stirred and bloomed together.
in the third: 1/2 cup gf rice crumbs, plus 2 T chick pea flour and 2 T oat flour...
and then alllll the spices:
1 tsp black pepper;
1/2 tsp dried rubbed sage;
1 tsp cayenne!!
1/2 tsp GPOP;
1/2 tsp peri-peri rub;
1/4 tsp smoked paprika;
1 tsp hot paprika;
1 tsp brown sugar.
wordimus prime-
you got your starch, then your slippery slimy eggishmilkiness,
the those FIERY crumbzzzzz-
i double dunked them, too.
that's right.
too much is the right amount.
then i fried 'em up, and they were real muh-fuh'n crissssssssp.
y'know?
like, i flipped 'em once or twice, and drained them on paper towels,
then took a spoonful of the HOT oil,
and added it to 1 tsp cayenne, plus a shake of black pepper, plus a shake o two of paprika,
plus a lil baby bit of exxxtra Garlic Powder, too.
holy crap, kids-
that sizzlin' savory spice oil activates a whole new level
of incredible edible awesome sauce to the thing.

and when you fire up those pickles and some onions  and a glug of ho'sauce,
then smooth it out with a lil vegan mayo,
and a crawnchy slap of slaw???
yooooooooooooooo,
that's a new world of excitement for your F*ing face.

-
the slaw was just carrots, cabbages,salt, pepper, and mayo, but it really turned the profile
into some kind of majesty.
the bread was from the day before, so i buttered and toasted it a bit.
what?
well, it's not a health food week, it's a sandwich week.
don't come at me with your diet, dudes.
not until the 9th, at the earliest.
that's for real.
...and just HOW elite is a big bite of this battle-beastly spicemeister?
look:

C'MON!!!
i'm celebrating.
i'm eatin'.
i'm doing this with feeling,
and i've got a whole lotta feelings, boy;
never quiet, never soft.....

SAZZ AND PEPPZ!

sandwich week.
yeah!!
eight days, in a row, of the very best sandwiches i can come up with.
check it:

WORD!!!!!
that's homemade red lentil seitan sausage,
and rainbow bell peppers,
and vidalia onion,
and blackened tomatoes,
and wilted baby spinach,
and slow-roasted garlic aioli.....
and all of that is expert like you read about, literally.
but, before any of that gets going?
it all starts with the fresh-baked barbarian bad boi bread, man.
yup.
because good bread makes better people,
and better people eat great sandwiches:
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*
BREAD!!
-
preheat your oven to 400℉.
-
combine:
1 3/4 cups king arthur white whole wheat flour;
1/4 cup semolina flour;
1 tsp sugar;
1 pkg active dry yeast;
1 tsp fast-actin' bread machine yeast;
1 cup -2 T warm water;
2 tsp sea salt;
2 T olive oil.
kneaded up for at least 11 minutes,
i used my stand mixer because it's the most used appliance in
the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress for a good reason....
it works hard and it does its job.
cover your firm shiny dough ball, and let it rise until doubled.
divide it into 3 fattie-boombattie long loaves of hoagie-shaped torpedo bread,
and let those rise for another 20 minutes.
i added toasty sesame seed sprankles, because i like exxxtra sh!t on my sh!t.
that's how i doo-doo my bakery action, bro.
and then you pack it full of hottness, like this:

YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!
the rainbow bell peppers are red, orange, yellow, and green jauns,
slivered and sauteed in olive oil until they get that dark-edged dopeness
on their softened skins.
mmmmmmmmm.
with caramelized sweet onion tossed in amongst them, for added supersexxxiness.
that's how you make a pepper blend that triumphs over the ordinary fair/festival blend.
true story.
and the tomatoes are sweet babies, blackened for that full-bodied flavor you'd expect
from powerful warrior poetic practical activation.
wilted spinach, in the leftover oily goodness of the hot tomato pan?
smart.
and the sausages?
well, the original recipe is here-
then they got cut up and roasted in the pepper pan, with exxxtra-oil from the slow roasted garlic.
what?
yes.
that's right.
i used all the bits to make an even big-bigger bite of big action for your face.
yep.
too much is the right amount,
and that goes double for tastiness, neighbors.
for real, though:

c'mon.
and that garlic aioli?
that's 3 T of olive oil, slowly browning up 5 or six cloves of garlic, over medium-low heat,
until they're about as rich and succulent and syrupy as they can get,
mashed, whisked, and salted a little, just to help enhance the already-upgraded garlic essence.
yeah, man.
that's what you need on your good bread.
it turns it up to eleven without even breathing had.
real talk.
*
sandwich week is way better than the rest of the weeks.
in fact,
by comparison, last week was weak af,
and next week doesn't really be lookin' nearly as fun, either.
this much bread is probably a bad idea,
but this much good cookin' and inspiration has me making art and everything.
uh-huh.
it just takes a little push, and the creative juggernaut starts rolling.
so, we're rolling;
never quiet, never soft.....

NUT BUTTS!!!

if nuts will kill you, i feel bad for you, bro.
i mean, they have all the good things-
protein, fiber (probably), fat that is helpful, energy,
flavor, texture......
all the good things.
i had TWO kinds at the ready for a fuller-bodied, bigger-action-packed
double-decker sandie for you, and me, and everybody.
AND i added chocolate.
AND toasted coconut.
AND fresh berries.
AND two different homemade preserves.
mmhmmmm.

THAT'S HOW YOU DOO-DOO THAT FREAKY SH!T, SON!
there's no time for namby-pambies, whatever the F* those are.
y'heard?
it's time for sandwich week strength,
which in turn leads to just plain ol' strength.
that's a real thing, or at least it should be.
however,
for the first time in several years i did something i wasn't sure was allowed.
yeah, i used bread from a store.
yup.
i knowwwwwwwww.
i'm soooooo lazy.
but, i'm sorta supporting my favorite bakery in the area:
old village bakery.
they got that fluffy flavorful hot fire on hand every time i need some,
and that makes me feel comforted in an uncomfortable time of my life.
hahahaha.
so thanks bread guy and gals for this super-soft and sexy multigrain loaf of love.
did i toast the bread in a pan with a hint of raw coconut oil?
you bet your A* i did.
did i use CHONKY peanut butter?
obvi- i'm not an A*-hole, buddy.
how about luxxxurious and exxxpensive almond butter?
yeah, kid- i'm on it, because i've got money.
ahahhahahha.
homemade melted dark chocolate ganache?
you know it.
toasted unsweetened flaky coconut?
dudes, when you toast it, it tastes even F*ing better than when you don't.
and two kinds of preserves.
two.
because too much is the right amount.
word up.

that's like, 1/2 cup of sugar per pound of fruit,
plus a tablespoon or three of lemon juice,
a splash of vanilla towards the end,
a little fresh lemon zest,
and time.
you just boil all the fresh fruit until it gets thiccc,
and the sugar caramelizes, sorta, and you get these luscious,
viciously viscous vats of spreadable good news.
for real.
y'gotta stir it, and keep it from burning, but it's so simple otherwise-
just bubblin' away on like, medium heat, for a whiiiiiiile-
twenty minutes of more, and you're a superhero.
guys!
that's an untoasted soft layer of central multigrain,
with chonky peanut jauns and strawberry preserves,
and whole fresh sliced strawbz covered in toasted coconut on there,
and on the flipped almond side, there's preservy bloobs,
and homemade chocolate SAUCE,
and  maybe a little more coconut.
you don't know me.
but, the pre-toasted endcaps get it IN, friends.
allllll the texture, allllll the flavor, alllll the rich, decadent, indulgent dopeness
that anybody could possibly desire,
all in a nut-allergy-unfriendly stack-em-up.
do the different nut butts combined really make that much difference?
holy sh!t,.
the answer is yes.

there's such complexity to the flavors,
but such cohesion to the thematic unity of similarly dissimilar things-
it could've been a basic pb & j.......
if my sh!t was weak af.
instead, it's a two-tone NUT BUTT' AND PRESERVES DELUXXXE.
why?
because i ain't no b!tch but i make a mean bad b!tch of a sammie.
that's real talk.
nobody has to care about nothing as much as i do,
or not care about everything else to such a high degree,
but this is all i have to look forward to, so i'm doing it as hard as i can;
never quiet, never soft.....

BALLS!!!

meatless AND wheatless is how i like my balls, kids.
that's no joke.
and i made some advances in homemade ball technology recently,
that i'll share with you if you'd like.
here's the thing-
it's sandwich week,
and that's always something to look forward to.
i mean, sure it's sort of a bullsh!t celebration.....but no more so than
superbowl sunday, or fashion week or st. patrick's day or lent.
that's a real dumb one, and it lasts as long as the great flood, too.
so really, i'm thoroughly enjoying an outbreak of sandwiches over here,
and i don't see how anybody who eats bread would be sad about it.
like,
i'm fully prepared to blarp the F* out on whole lovely loaves of whole grain greatness.
that's real.
and on day two, i even made two sandwiches (no, i'm not doing three on the third)
ANYway,
i made up some meatless wheatless italian protein polinas,
and they are F*ing expert.
yup.
check the teleport:

WORDIMUS PRIME!
homemade marinara,
thiccc caramelized onions,.
fresh picked basil,
chopped flat italian parsley sprankles,
homemade bread transformed into toasted daiya cheesy mozzarella garlic bread,
and those balls, y'all.
i mean, the bread and the sauce and the onions and the green bits
and the garlic and everything all comes together to make some powerful flavor
exxxplode in your skull from the first bite to the last.

i made two, and i shared 'em, because i'm nice like that.
dylan popped by to endure some of the darkest, dourest, deluged,
depressing labor day weather there's been in an age.
but what better way to span time than by eating sandwiches, am i right?
of course i am.
wait.....and are those garlic fries?
they sure as sh!t are, homeboy.
wedges of chefs' whiteys, tossed in oil, with salt, lots of pepper,
a shake of nutritional yeast, a lotta Garlic Powder and a little Onion Powder
to activate the exxxtra hottness you know you want.
that's real.
baked at 400℉ on parchment on a baking tray,
which is precisely the temperature i baked the garlic bread buns at,
at the same time as i added olive oil to the wedges
after i tossed 'em around once they began to get golden.
y'follow?
i already had a hot oven with those fires in there,
and i put the cheesy garlic ovals in later, so they'd all be done at the same time.
nice.
-
i had three cloves of crushed garlic, sauteed on medium heat in oil,
slowly roasting them, but NOT browning them up,
which i add to buttered homemade loaves,
with GPOP and that minced daiya on BOTH sides, guys.
i did add a dash of fire-roasted tomato sprankles to the tops,
to make 'em look prettier, but that's not actually necessary
unless you're as dedicated as i am to devoting energy to extraneous ornament.
the bread itself was baked earlier in the day-
with dough i prepared the day before.
yup.
24 hour cold-proofed white whole wheat from-scratch goodness, buddy.
that's my thing.
-
*
LOAVES!
-
1 cup king arthur  bread flour;
1 cup king arthur white whole wheat flour;
1/2 tsp sugar;
1 pkg regular-actin' dry yeast;
1 1/2 tsp sea salt;
3/4 cup warm water;
2 T olive oil.
that's it.
kneaded up however you see fit, and allowed to rise in the fridge all day and night.
i shaped two buns and two hoagies, olive oled the tops,
and let 'em rise while the oven heated up to 400,
then i baked them for twenty five minutes, turing once at 12 minutes,
and adding a splash of boiling water to steam the edges at 15 minutes.
...and they turned out incredible.
*
if you've ever caramelized an onion, you know that it takes time, a little oil,
and medium heat to really get 'em to turn golden.
i cut my vidalia ribbons fatter than usual, and they truly contributed so much richness
to my already epic epicurean kitchen experience.
and when you've got all the elements in agreement on one plate,
you're going to transcend simple sustenance,
and ascend alongside your palate to victual valhalla.
i'm already there, man.
-
i made my manly marinara.
that's how you doo-doo that freaky sh!t.
and it does exactly what you'd want it to on a sandwich like this one.
lubricates.
activates.
upgrades.
energizes.
and when you factor in how it turns up the balls to eleven?
y'all had better just c'mon, now.
i mean, what are you?
an A*-hole?
no way, neighbors-
we need marinara on a meatlessball.
rules is rules.
miss me with that grape jellied scandinavian bummer business.
this is molto italiano, and molto expert, and molto delicious.
word.
so, let's talk about my balls:
-
*
BALLS!!!
-
in a high-speed mixer,
combine:
3/4 block of tempeh (that's like 6 oz +/-);
1/4 cup sweet onion;
3 cloves garlic;
1 cup tomatoes.
puree it to a truly sloppy mudlike consistency,
and add it all to a small sauce pot, with 1 T oil.
saute the whole messy mass on high heat until it just begins to color,
then add:
1 tsp oregano;
1 tsp basil;
1/2 tsp ea GPOP;
1 T nootch;
1/4 tsp rosemary;
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes;
1/2 tsp sage;
1/2 tsp thyme;
1/2 tsp dried parsley....
and 1 cup broth of your choice,
+ 1 T tamari, and 1 T red wine vinegar.
bring that up to a boil, then reduce the heat and simmer it, stirring often
until the whole thing looks saturated and 0% watery.
add:
1/2 cup chick pea flour;
1/2 cup bread crumbs OR trader joe's rice crumbs to make 'em GF,
salt, and pepper and fresh basil and parsley for added prettiness.
let it cool enough to handle without burning yourself,
and with moistened fingers, form your smoooooooth balls.
yup.
you'll wanna arrange 'em on parchment on a baking tray, to bake at 375℉
for about fifteen minutes....but no longer than that.
these are the kind of thing that once formed, firmed, and fired,
you'll wanna simmer in sauce to finish off.
i learned that yesterday,
and i'll be cooking them IN the sauce for the last fifteen no matter what from now on.
but that's what's up.
and when you add the fresh-plucked basil?
oh MAN.
that's that exxxtra eleventh-level pinch of big action.
there're no bad parts to this sandwich.
it's 100% elite all day long, and i'm pretty pumped to have had this little
piece of sunshine on an otherwise sh!t-salad slap-off of a laborless labor day
under the clouds and the downpours tears of the impending slow season.
yikes.
but, i mean, just look one more time:

too much is the right amount!
and that's no joke.
-
and like i already mentioned,
i'd eaten a whole other 'nother other luxxxurious stack'em-up sarnie
prior to going hard on this long nasty boi.
y'gotta.
it's sandwich week,
and it's been waaaay too long since the last one.
rules is rules,
and the rules state that it's all sandies all week, always.
miss me with those other food weak meals, holmes.
i'm all about this sandwich life.
...and it's a good thing- because if i was about real life,
i'd be doing far far worse far far more often;
never quiet, never soft.....

SANDWICH WEEK!!! day one.

yeah!!!!
sarnies,
sammies,
sammitches,
sambos,
sandies,
'guinis.....
sandwiches, b!tches.
that's what's up.
and it's sandwich week.
all week.
sunday to sunday, all day, every day,
a veritable anti-diet of carb-heavy wheaten slabs and pseudo-meaty vegetable proteins.
if you aren't ready, you had better get ready, and quickly.
it's already monday.
labor day.
a holiday.
and it's raining.
which i LOVE.
why?
because i don't like barbecues or leisure or fun in any capacity,
but i do like it when those things are a little ruined by ma nature.
mmhhmm.
nature wins, and that's a fact.
ANYway, i hadn't planned on a BBQ sandwich, so my day is still gonna be expert.
but before i explore my options for today,
i gotta let y'all know what's up with side one track one of sandwich week.
yup.
it's a full-blown exxxplosion of excellence,
in taste and texture and quantity.
y'ready?
ok.
check the teleport:

A CINNAMON BUNZ BREAKFAST BLASTOFF SAZZAGE SARNIE!!!
what-whaaaaaaaaaat?!!?!
the first of the month means cinnamon buns.
rules is rules.
so,
we've got this new hottness for your face.
that's big buns,
and salt-and-pepper thin-fried exxxtra-firm tofu.
and a chick pea flour omelette.
and tempeh bacon.
and real new hampshire maple syrup.
and a homemade maple breakfast sausage fattie-patty-boombatty.
too much is the right amount has never been more true.
look:

c'mon, neighbors.
that's an EPIC exercise in edible accomplishment.
word.
here's the rundown:
*
two fat cinnamon buns, as per the usual recipe.
only, i rolled 'em longwise, to make em bigger, and baked 'em free and loose on parchment.
how good are they?
well, maple says i make the best ones on earth,
and i like that about her.
*
the tofu was just fried in a pat of coconut oil with salt and pepper until it was golden.
think of it as a fried egg consistency, if you know about that.
i've seen it done, even if it's been a quarter century since i've had one myself.
*
the chickpea omelette?
i made two of these sandwiches, so that's double of everything-
but, i used 1/3 cup chick pea flour;
1/3 cup warm water;
black salt;
black pepper;
1/4 tsp ea Garlic Powder and Onion Powder;
1 T nutritional yeast.
stirred, thinned with a splash more water, maybe?
you be the judge, it shouldn't be runny, but it also shouldn't be paste.
and then you just fry 'em like a couple of pancakes, gently on both sides,
so it's not too dry, but pliable and soft an' that.
*
the tempeh bacon was the same-ish as ever-
a glug of olive oil in a small hot pan,
plus 12 strips of thin tempeh;
1/2 cup warm water;
black pepper,
1 T tamari;
1 tsp agave;
1/4 tsp ea GPOP;
1 tsp maple syrup;
3 shakes smoked paprika;
2 shakes liquid smoke,
all boiled up until the liquid is gone,
and caramelized until it's lookin' crisp edged and pretty after that.
pay attention and don't burn it and you'll be happy af about it.
*
the sausage patty was 100000% on point.
red lentil seitan sausage, like this,
but, divide the recipe into thirds,
and take this 1/3rd, and add:
2 T maple syrup and 1/4 tsp maple exxxtract, and knead it all up,
forming two thiccc patties, before you steam 'em like always-
these were fried up in a hot pan and semi-drenched in leftover seitan broth
as they cooked to prevent sticking.
i could've used water or regular broth, i just have so much of all the sandwich prep stuff
that it'd be dum-dumb headed to waste any of it.
*
and then another 'nother bun on top,
with ICING.
holy sh!t.
this is the TRUTH.

WU-TANG
sandwich week started with a blast of heavy-handed heavy-duty hot fire.
i don't have nearly enough comparable ideas for the rest of the eight days,
but you's best believe i'm gonna give it my all anyway.
i'll keep it expert, even if i get fatter'n fat while i'm at it.
that's a small price to pay in order to celebrate something you love....
and i LOOOOOOVE sandwiches, stoopid.
everything may not be amazing all the time,
but every single sandwich is a triumph of taste and texture.
***********
i'm making chocolate almond butter.
i'm stewing up TWO kinds of berry preserves.
i'm toasting coconut.
i'm slicing fresh berries.
ANYbody can have a smooth peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich,
but a real-deal nutty-buddy isn't ever gonna settle for that kind
of run-of-the-mill ordinary box-dwelling bummer.
nope.
not even one time.
can a PB&J be sexxxy?
i think it needs a new acronym if that's the case.
i guess we'll find out around lunchtime;
never quiet, never soft.....