Sunday, June 15

father.

when i was much (much) younger,
i thought having children with someone would be the best idea.
and i mean, like, the best ever.
and not because i think dads are actually any good,
and not even because i wanted to be a dad....
i just thought it was a surefire way to keep a partner with me.
y'know?
combining ingredients to cooperatively create a new thing.
that sort of makes the person you're with yours forever.
...or so i believed at the time.
yeah.
i know.
i honestly thought that in my dumb little brain.
for real.
so,
imagine my surprise when i realized that all i'd managed to do
was create an eternal infernal deal-with-the-devil pact,
anchoring a chunk of my time and energy to someone who didn't
(and still doesn't) like anything at all about me.
man.
good thing we've got those kids, huh?
ha.
that particular piss-and-vinegar-and-oil-and-gasoline solution
has never provided a viable solution to anything.
and don't misunderstand me here-
i am absolutely full-blown 'tarded for harvest and maple,
and i can't imagine my life without 'em;
but damn if i can't imagine them here every day either.
ugh.
that's a blisteringly hard style.
part-time expert dad,
part-time largely-ceremonial figurehead.
ugh.
the behind-the-scenes fatherhood sh!t is neither flashy nor exciting,
but it's all really happening,
affecting every decision i make every day,
and compelling me to be the best version of myself at the expense
of all my expensive tastes and all my expansive plans.
so,
that's the trade-off-
and i'm providing fatherly advice that regular dads don't,
and i'm taking good care,
i'm dispensing dollars and sense and cents and scents,
and doing what i can to be a part of their lives,
to fill in the blanks and span the gaps wherever i'm needed.
and in exchange for being a dad,
i get a homemade card:
what?
a quick note,
a dropped-off drop of crayola drips,
and it's done.
that's a thing.
*
i get a whole day dedicated to the idea that i provided DNA
to the personmaking potluck in someone's pants over a decade ago.
but,
i'll not be spanning it with those girls.
they're in connecticut, and vermont (camping),
and nowhere near here.
great.
moms get brunch and flowers,
dads might get a phone call.....maybe.
fathers day is the worst one;
never quiet, never soft.....

1 comment:

Unknown said...

That's got to be really hard... it was like that for me as a kid...my sister and I not getting to see our dad..and when we did it was 3 months over summer vacation. ....it was the worst being away for 9months in Wisconsin...but the times we saw him in Alaska...He made it count...it was far better than the majority of time we spent with our mom...and I say that because my mom and dad were very different. ..my dad was more like you..(.at least what I have somewhat read and observed thru your blog ) but living in Alaska, though, on a remote island in a house he built with no electricity...living off the land..my dad is my hero...I'm sure your girls see you as the same.
His ways of looking at life have changed and shaped me so much into such an open minded positive and forgiving person and also still to this day he is my mentor ... even though we didn't have the closeness geographically nothing could separate the bond he created with us when we were together *:)
His words of advice have chimed at the right time in my mind when I needed it most ...they strengthen me and remind me I have him with me as my back up dancer anytime. Going through tough times I rarely felt alone.. maybe it sounds silly but I'm telling the truth. Not knowing anything about anything...hopefully this does not cross any boundaries but just know it was meant to be created with a positive vibe for you