no-friend zone.

ha!
the friend zone is a bummer,
when you'd prefer to slide on up next to a little sweet thang.
i'm not about that life, neighbors.
nope.
i'm disinclined to sit on the sidelines,
wasting valuable time on a lady who has no romantic interest in me.
luckily,
there's ampy d hanging over here at the Folk Life & Liberty Fortress,
taking the time to participate,
and activate,
and actuate the expert interaction between a worthy warrior poet
and a veritable valkyrie vixen with all the fixin's.
what i'm sayin' is-
i'm not having any issues with the friend zone.
in fact,
i'm slogging through the sloppy sauce that mires me down deep in
the no-friend zone.
uh-huh.
no friends.
i've mentioned it before.
and it's no joke.
don't get it wrong, here, when i say i have no friends-
i mean, my friday nights are always wide open,
and my wednesdays off are for cooking and baking,
and every day in between, before and also after,
is replete with chores, and tasks, and work to do....
and sure,
i've got my peoples, certainly,
but your peoples aren't just friends.
they're your closest and most trusted duders,
your ready-and-willing-accessory-to-murder-type brothers and sisters,
by blood or by deed,
and all that sort of ride-or-die doo-doo buttery oath-and-vow style sh!t.
.....it's not the same thing as just a plain ol' friend.
what i'm talking about are dinnertime guests,
with round-the-fire outdoor nighttime talks,
and out-to-luncheons,
or whatever it is that social people do.
i'm so weirded out by the impactive slap of the sound of silence
that resounds so loudly through the empty rooms of my massive manse
that i can't help but talk out loud to myself.
.....i think that's the first stage of early-onset crazy personism.
anyway,
i hate pets, for the most part;
but,
i not nearly as much as i really hate the ostracized ostrich-head-in-sand outcome
i incur when i'm inciting excitement amongst the obdurate and intransigent
(and contemptuously underevolved)
and inflexibly preference-based people who overlap into and around
my circle of worthy warriors,
filling in the extensive and expansive blanks
with blank stares and twitching upper lips.
no?
hold on-
i'll explain-
the people around me most often,
almost always more by circumstance than by conscious and selective choice,
would rather i wasn't here, there, or anywhere within eyesight,
earshot, or stone's throwing distance of our respective half-empty glass houses.
whatever the reason,
i'm physically near them in proximity,
but so many leagues away, temporally and philosophically.
it's not about who's right, or what's good, even.
it's about the as-yet unclarified point to all of this.......
allow me to illuminate what i'm really talking about:
i'm thinking about getting a dog.
yeah.
a dog.
that's what i'm telling you.
hahahahahahhahahahhaha.
uh-huh.
a little co-pilot to ruin my sh!t, take hot sh!ts, bark, bite, dig, run,
and ultimately interact with my oppositionally defiant thumbs up......
i will literally buy my friend.
damn.
that's an immeasurably hard style,
so i think it only fitting to balance the account with a recalcitrant battle-beast.
i don't want obedience,
i want a willful and wild bewilderbeast of wreaking, leaking, wrecking, and ravaging.
an obstinate oblong missile of mayhem and, of, course, busted-up bustedness.
i want a mutha-F*ing shark-bullet.
y'know?
yeah you do.
one of these:

that's it.
you know the rules, you lurky little browsers and perusers-
stay ugly, stay dope.
and i mean, c'mon.
never has there ever been a better example than those pig-headed pig monsters.
...word.
i guess it's become apparent, through introspection,
that i hate pets less than i hate the thought of becoming an all-the-way crazy
hermity shut-away and dispassionate person.
also,
i think it's time to face the facts.
i don't go away anywhere, really,
and i don't do enough, physically,
and without an immediate and imposing obligation,
my motivation meanders into less-and-less pressing productions.

enough with the cookies,
and maybe add in some long walks and wrestling matches, even.
six months of adversarial and mercurial work and play,
and i'm ready for a squire to supplement my toolbox.
another 'nother wrench, on four legs, with a battering ram for a head,
and a juggernaut for a body.
admittedly,
the preamble to this was more confessional than i'd have preferred,
but the math doesn't add up if you can't show the proof;
never quiet, never soft.....