Monday, August 27


buffalo cauliflower?
fired buffalo cauliflower?
ho'sauce-battered gluten free fried buffalo cauliflower??
that's what's good around here, neighbors.
last night, after a long day of tattzappin' at AMPERSAND TATTOO,
but before a long night of sorting and removing obstacles from my life,
i had to have dinner, and it had to be expert as heck, man.
i had a head of cauliflower, and a few different hot sauces, and an idea,
and this is what i came up with:

on a rainbow bed of maroon radicchio, and purple and green cabbage shreds,
these jauns were dominating the dinner game.
for serious, these spicy nicey-nice lil bites did the trick.
so, for starters,
i had very hot canola oil in a high-walled frying pan-
y'know the ones? like on teevee shows, where southern folks eff with chickens?
that's gross as hell, but the pan does the trick.
i had an inch and a half of oil getting high-heated for a bit,
while i got all the rest ready.
the batter was the best! that's no joke.
it was a little complicated, but i bet that it could easily be simplified, for sure-
in a small metal mixing bowl big enough to eventually hold
a whole head of cauliflower chopped into 2" chunks,
1/3 cup chick pea flour;
3 T tapioca flour;
1/2 cup rice-based gf 1:1 baking flour;
3 T texas pete ho'sauce;
33 cracks of fresh black pepper;
1 tsp ea. Garlic Powder, Onion Powder;
2 T nutritional yeast;
1 tsp paprika;
1/2 tsp sriracha flakes or cayenne;
1 /2 tsp ground sage;
1 tsp rubbed thyme;
2 tsp baking powder;
1/4 cup dill pickle brine;
1 cup warm water.
...guys, this stuff was elite!
and covering all those little florets, it stuck like glue, and got very crispy very quickly-
(i guess if you're not afraid of gluten, you could just use a.p. flour, and it's be fine, too?)
the key is to have the batter room temperature, and the cauliflower, too.
nobody wants to cool off the oil and make it take FORever to fry, right?
then, when they're super golden and good,
y'gotta use your spider (that wire ladle thing, and transfer them to a big bowl,
to toss with some custom vegan buff-stuff-
i doo-do that sort of sh!t for sure!
2 T sriracha;
1/4 cup frank's red hot;
1/2 tsp ea GPOP;
1 T nootch;
1/4 cup vegenaise;
1 tsp hot paprika;
black pepper to taste-
man, y'all ain't ready-
regular buffalo is a'ight, but this sh!t right here goes to eleven, no question.
toss a few blops of it on those wild pipin' white-hot oily nuggies,
and you're good to go-
don't use too much, or they'll steam, and while the flavor will be incredible-
the texture gets a little soffffffffffffft.
be careful and you'll be fine-
MORE side sauce for dunkin' is the move, man.
that's no joke.
and MORE of the sauce, uncut and unadulterated means MORE flavor available
to exxxplode inside of your hungry head.
that's tight.
oh, yeah.
and also, if you DON'T garnish these bad boys with plenty of pickles,
you are definitely an A*-hole.
and nobody invites an A*-hole to their makeout parties, kiddo-
so eat a pickle and cut the crap.
those briny dilly cukes are essential to activate the maxxximum flavor profile.
don't get lazy, and don't get cheap on me, now-
the crunchy cabbage underneath, the salty pickles on top,
the spice and the tang and the hottness all throughout the cauliflower.....
if only i'd made a little vegan ranch, maybe?
too much is the right amount,
but being outta time is the current situation.
so y'get what y'get, and you like it, or not, but that's all there is to it.
that's how it goes- and on and on it continues into today;
never quiet, never soft.....

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