that's the request i got,
from harvest, for her custom vegan big-time berfday cake.
yup.
so that's precisely the cake i made.
dudes,
you're only seventeen the once, y'know?
i mean,
you're only every age once, really, but when you're young,
more stuff happens per year than when you've gotten older...
but, my portion of the program is cake, man.
these connecticut butts don't give a sh!t about plant-based conscientious living
in harmonious sync with the planet, and their bodies,
and with the unifying life-force of compassionate energy enveloping the whole universe.
...they'd probably just buy a cake;
hopefully from a bakery, and not a grocery store.
(those supermarket bake-shop ones are pure frozen crap)
or, and this is somehow even worse,
they might even use box mix.
ugh.
that's some never forgive jauns, neighbors.
i'm just sayin'-
don't ever let me catch you choosing box mix, bro.
ew.
no F*ing way.
i'll be taking your A* Off The List molto quick for participating in that kind of weak gravy.
real talk.
box mix is for jerks.
homemade tastes better, looks better,
and has all the love you'd expect from a special delivery!
ok, ok, ok.....
so, harvest had a berfday,
and i had the worst drive down to connecticut to celebrate with her.
no jokes,
i spent two actual hours in near-standstill traffic in worcester, massachusetts,
a.k.a. the toiletbowl's A*-hole of new england highways,
enjoying eighty degree weather and sweltering congestion on all sides,
all to eventually watch three dudes water the asphalt with a hose.....
nothing says useful saturday road construction like a three-man hose team, kids.
that's overtime pay. definitely.
anyway,
after seven hours of driving,
we had emergency tofutti, OBVI, with sprankles,
because rules is rules,
and we've been on that tradition for seven freakin' years now!
then dinner at the loudest, most crowded spot for just-alright italian food
i've ever been to,
and then, finally, we had some cake.
check the teleport:
PINK ON PINK ON CAKE ON CAKE!!!
the interior was a tasty little pink number,
vanilla in flavor, but strawberry in spirit.
also, there was strawbery jammie-jam, AND strawberry frosting activating the center, too.
i mean,
a subtle hint within an overt misdirection is pretty tight for a cake flavor.
at least, i was into it, anyway.
pink swirls?
yep!
asymmetrical spiral top coverage?
uh-huh.
pinkie crystal sugar sprankles?
naturally, i wouldn't skimp out-
it's my kid's berfday cake, homie,
don't be dumb.
......oh, and it got the rave reviews, friends.
-
if y'boi wants cake, he has to bring his own....
but if y'boi wants expert cake, regardless,
then how else would that happen,
if not from my woodsly goodsly Folk Life home bakeshoppe.
word.
-
now,
for those of you who might actually use the recipe,
i'm more than happy to share it with you, right here:
-
*
CAKE!
-
preheat your oven to 350℉
in your indispensably dope stand mixer, cream together:
1 cup sugar;
1/4 cup light brown sugar;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 tsp vanilla;
1 stick plant-based butter;
2/3 cup vanilla soy yogurt;
-
add:
11 drops organic red food color;
3 cups flour;
2 tsp bakey powder;
1 tsp bakey soda;
2 T organic non-GMO cornstarch, sifted;
1/4 cup tapioca flour;
1 cup non-dairy milk+ 1 T oil + 2 T lemon juice.
whisk it up until it's a fluffbomb deluxxxe,
spoon it evenly into two greased floured 9" round cake pans,
and bake for 25-30 minutes,
or proven done via cake tester inserted and removed cleanly from the center.
yes.
cool it, and frost it however you want.
i used 2 T strawberry jam on one side of one cake, adhered against strawberry frosting
made with real freeze-dried pulverized strawberries.
that was pretty awesome, honestly.
you know how to make frosting. i'll spare you the details.
(if you don't, the recipe is here, elsewhere, tons of times, just look a little)
-
anyway,
here's that S.O.S scoople from sweet claude's:
DOPE.
and here's three idiots ruining it for everyone else:
DOPE.
...
*
now i'm back in the woods,
and back to work,
and my hallowe'en hurry is really underway.
i'm just about out of time,
but i'll make something from nothing, no matter what.
it's all really happening, in a rush, under pressure,
and without any of leisurely joy that you might crave from doing all the things you love.
hmmmmm.
i don't know if i'm secretly dumb or not.
no, really-
i'm kicking my own A* to complete tasks that have no genuine bearing
in any way, on my overall profitability;
but, were i to skip out on them,
i know i'd feel less prosperous in a non-literal sense.
that might be foolish?
it might be what's up, though, too.
could i stop if i wanted to?
not really.
i am compelled beyond reason.
and it's all got to get done, or i'm no damned good at all, y'all.
seriously,
what the heck am i even here for if not to rock the party with non-purposed costumery?
right?
hallowe'en is my SH!T, duders.
i can't miss out, or i'm messing up;
never quiet, never soft.....
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