duders,
i'm still not sure if i'm a genius, or an A*-hole,
or both.
let me preface:
yes, there are probably recipes for delicious cinnamon pumpkin rolls out there.
in fact,
there are likely some specific vegan awesomeness,
lurking in plain sight all over the internet,
created by far more skilled bakers than myself,
with far more consistent results, far more often.
however, that's not how i do things.
i choose the wrench, man.
which is to say, i go hard, on the harder path, doing things the harder way,
because when they work, it feels so much more rewarding
than if it's a smooth slide to the finish.
lamentably, here YOU are, looking at the final results,
sliding smoothly to the oven with all the pregame taken care of.
awwwwwww.
it's alright,
there's still a solid chance you're gonna eff these up,
because they aren't easy, bro.
not one bit.
so, that said, good F*ing luck.
pumpkin cinnamon rolls?
more like:
PUMPKIN-PIE-STYLE SPICED SPIRALS OF HOTTNESS!!
woooooooooooo!
check the teleport:
badaBOOM!
you might want to prepare yourselves.
these little bastards are no joke.
in fact, there's not one thing funny about 'em.
but,
in the interest of full-disclosure, i'll tell you one extra fact-
i've modified this recipe to counteract the failures of my own initial procedure.
you've been warned, now go forth and pumpkin spice yourselves silly-
-
*
DOUGHSKI-MO'!
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in your trusty, well-oiled stand mixer,
with the dough hook attached; combine:
3 cups flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
1/2 tsp wheat gluten;
1/4 cup light brown sugar;
1 pkg fast-actin' yeast;
cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg, allspice, mace, cloves;
-
then, spoon in <1 cup="" p="" pumpkin="" puree.="">(it's so smooshy and wet, you don't want to use a lot)
-
in a small pot, on low heat, melt:
4 T vegan butter;
3/4 cup non-dairy milk;
1 tsp vanilla;
when it's one yellowy melt-up, turn off that heat, and remove it from the hot spot.
as it cools, add:
1 tsp bread machine yeast, stirred in, and bloomed.
-
add the liquid into the dry, and knead that whole sloppy mess up for about five minutes,
beating it into submission and compliance.
let that rise, covered for 15 minutes or so,
before rolling it out into a long rectangle of fluffy, autumnal hottness.
mmmmmmmmm.
you're gonna need to fill it with pumpkin pie cream.
lucky for you, i think i know what to do, neighbors-
-
*
PIE-FILLIN' FEELS!
-
in a small pot, over low heat, combine:
4 T vegan creamchee', melted alone first to get all the lumps out-
plus:
1 tsp vanilla;
2 T tapioca flour;
1 T flour;
1/2 cup pumpkin puree;
1/2 cup brown sugar;
all the spices, again, to taste;
1/2 cup rolled oats.
combine it all, and let it firm up as much as it can.
allow for this, and maybe even make the filling well in advance?
trust me, it's WET, and it'll try hard to ruin you rolls.
don't let it.
-
anyway, spread the insides to the short rectangle edges, and to one of the long ones,
then moisten the unfilled rim, so it'll stick when rolled. that's the last edge, obvi.
if you start there, you're a dum-dum, for certain.
wrap the whole long limp log in plastic,
and refrigerate it for thirty minutes.
cut it up, into as many circles as you think you can handle,
and be prepared for a decent amount of squoosh, too.
i like to bake mine in a cast-iron pan, (a BIG one, lined with parchment)
at 375℉, for 25-30 minutes, until golden, usually.
with the pumpkin, it's harder to gauge, but, i think if you pay attention,
you'll see them shift from splatty blarps to fluffy freshness pretty easily.
-
when they've cooled, hopefully your filling has set up nicely.
it's actually no big deal if it hasn't, the centers of your roll-ups are gonna be
pretty steamy anyway.
but, when they've cooled, you should glaze 'em.
i made up a thick maple-cinnamon icing:
-
*
ICIN'!
-
in a bowl, mix together:
1/2 cup powdered sugar;
1/4 tsp vanilla;
dash of maple extract;
1/2 tsp real maple syrup;
non-dairy milk, added in small splashed, to emulsify a THICCC pasty icing.
i like it thick, friends.
what are you gonna do about it?
hahaha.
take it easy.
-
these'd be great with toasted pepitas on top too.
i caught a veto on nuts/seeds, do i skipped 'em,
and used cinnamon and brown sugar sprankles instead.
still dope, but less crunchy.
personally, pecans might've made me more excited about these,
or SOMEthing to break up the portable pie-styles of their soft softness,
did i happen to mention they were soft?
i should've, because they ARE.
you've got the recipe.
if you've got the drive, i guess you can improve it.
i s'pose i'm just NOT pumpkin pie guy,
because they got eaten up hard by the folks who tried 'em.
decide for yourself, kids.
what do i know?
***********
i've got more recipes than i have time to write about.
that's new.
i've got more done on my hallowe'en costume, too.
it all comes down to the weekend, really.
it always does.
longtime readers will remember that last year,
i smashed my whole face off in a car crash,
and still managed to scrape together something pretty neat to wear.
THIS year, the new tattoo studio has really interfered with my time management
far more than a mangled maw ever could.
that's real.
the demands of responsible adulthood are large and in charge,
and i find myself wondering what the eff happened between we'ens.....
somehow,
i'm racing around like a whirling dervish, in a wild, stormswept
directionless tornado of busy business,
crashing out had every third or fourth night from what i have to assume
is genuine exhaustion.
that's tough, bro.
evidence of the aging process is an unwelcome side-effect
of my maniacal mad-dashing to and fro.
once every two weeks, i used to fall asleep standing up-
now, my nights are longer, my mornings are earlier,
and my days off are non-existent,
so the drop-offs are more frequent, but less welcome.
y'feel me?
what's the alternative?
keeping reasonable hours?
lame.
taking days off?
lazy!
bullying every minute and bending them to my will?
sounds hard, in terms of the laws of physics,
but vacations and bedtimes are for the unambitious.
i'm on a mission, folks.
and it may very well be a suicide mission,
but the objective is clear:
DO MORE, LOUDER, HARDER. FASTER, FRESHER.
everything, always, to eleven.
that's not unreasonable, if you're exceptional.
and what else would you ever even want to be?
this is IT,
and that's all there is;
never quiet, never soft.....
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