Sunday, May 27


one time,
my dearly departed uncle ed roasted this enraged party-pooper
who'd been tirading around in full-blown tell-off-mode,
and shut 'er down like he was a F*ing crown prince dropping a decree...
nobody likes a ruiner,
and the soiree was decidedly uncomfortable with one loud bummer spouting their sh!t.
so, after bearing with the increasing swell of bluster and blather,
(alcohol-enhanced outrage is really not a good look)
when the hurricane force lambaste finally reached his section of the yard,
he calmly replied:
'alright, dear, you have received much too much attention,
and you will receive NO more'....
boom. mic drop.
and then he turned around and resumed his previous conversation,
ignoring the stunned silence behind him-
and the poopy-partypants stood there for a second, mouth open,
and then LEFT the event.
it remains one of the coolest things i have ever had the pleasure of witnessing.
sure, the response was impressive,
but it was the actual languid heavy-lidded look of indifferent condescension that
the line was delivered with that blew my mind off of it's hinges.
he said it, and what's way better is, he meant it.
' will receive NO more.'
that's expert AF, bro.
admittedly, he was kind of a pompous A*-hole,
but in that moment, he was exactly the perfect pompous A*-hole.
i'm glad i remembered that.
it's a life lesson, man...and i'm learning something.
i haven't exactly been sleeping much.
and when i'm up early, and there's nothing going on, i do what i do.
and what i do is bake some treats.
dudes, check it:

gold glitter sparkle sugar sprankles?!
F* yeah!!!
i'm celebrating, neighbors.
my dudes michael and kim just got hitched.
my old friend anna's berfday is today.
it's memorial day weekend.
those are things are all good reasons for cupcakes,
but, then again,
any reason, or even no reason, still calls for cupcakes.
they're a great idea all by themselves.
and here's what i did to make them a reality:
preheat your oven to 350℉
in your upstanding upright mixer,
moosh up:
8 T vegan butts;
1 1/4 cups raw sugar;
2 tsp coffee extract;
4 T instant coffee;
2 tsp vanilla;
2/3 cup non-dairy yogurt;
1/2 tsp salt.
whip it well, and whisk in:
1 cup non-dairy milk....
next, add the dry stuff:
3 cups flour;
2 tsp bakey powder;
1 tsp baking soda;
4 T tapioca flour;
1 T ground coffee beans.
mix that on high speed until it's fluffy like clouds,
and dispense it into little cups in little pans,
and bake them for 30ish minutes, or until they look done-
you should have two dozen, if you'e done it right.
then, when they're cool (and by that i mean, to the touch, because they're cool already)
y'gotta frost 'em-
1 stick vegan butter;
3 cups powdered sugar;
1/3 cup non-dairy milk;
1 tsp coffee extract;
3 T cocoa;
2 T instant coffee;
1 tsp vanilla;
whip whip whip whip whip it up, and squeeze it out, and make them awesome.
and if you HAVE spranks,
don't be dumb, and don't get cheap, and make the magic happen.
rules is rules, and glittery sparkle magic is on the do-do list.
attention, attention, and attention-
i'll gladly pay it, but only to worthy causes.
like uncle ed said:
you will receive NO more;
never quiet, never soft.....

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