MARDI GRAS!

dudes,
tuesdays are like buttcheeks-
y'know?
...because they're better when they're FAT!
yup.
for this fattie boobmattie mardi,
i made myself a po'boy sandwich.
that's riiiiiiiight-

BOOOOOM!
i LOVE sandwiches, neighbors.
a lot.
and a po'boy is some kind of special, y'feel me?
more like a wealthy man than a down-and-out duder.
-
hmm?
is the bread homemade?
absolutely.
good bread makes better people,
and better sandwiches.
and those seitan chunks are breaded up in my new proprietary
cash money cajun spice exxxplosion, and fried up exxxtra-crisssssssspy.
mmmmmmmm.
yeah, they're fried.
it's called FAT tuesday, not lame tuesday, man.
c'mon.
get with it.
with pickles, and slaw, and red onion,
and some epic garlic sriracha horseradish dijon holy aioli.
that's a lotta flavor, but that's hot it's 'sposed to be.
too much is the right amount.
don't settle for less.
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you want recipes? i got those.
the seitan recipe is here.
so, that's one thing covered.
onward to that fresh-baked bread, i guess.
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*
PO'BREADS!
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preheat your oven to 375℉ convection-style
-
in your trusted accomplice, the dough-hooked stand-upright powermixer,
knead together:
2 cups flour;
1 tsp salt;
2 T olive oil;
2 T vegan butter;
1/2 tsp sugar;
1 pkg active dry yeast;
1 tsp bread machine yeast;
3/4 cup warm water.
11 minutes, for really-real, until it's a shiny gluten-chained-up ball of perfection.
let it rise thirty-forty minutes, divide it in half, and form tow footlong rolls,
arranged an inch apart ona baking tray, lightly oiled on the tops, slit 7x each,
covered and allowed to rise another 'nother twenty minutes.
bake 'em up for twenty-two minutes, and prepare yourself for that BUNZONI power, boi.
yeah.
the added fats make 'em exxxtra soft and supple, the way they should be.
i mean, c'mon- we're adding all sorts of crawnchiness to 'em,
they may as well offer us somethin' different, to set it off lie a big boss man.
word up.
*
the slaw was elite, for being mostly raw leaves.
i had 1/4 cup of shredded green cabbage;
1/8 cup shredded purple cabbage;
2 T shredded flat leaf parsley;
1/2 small peeled purple carrot, slivered;
and one fat red radish, halved, and thinly sliced,
with a lil black pepper, pink salt, and a scoop of vegan mayo.
damn.
that's magical.
cool, crisp, crunchiness for your face.
better than lettuce? don't even play.
this is like a major upgrade from regular wet leaves, for sure.
*
look at this mofo:

that spread is some kind of expert.
on the ones, it's just mostly a bunch of stuff stirred together,
but it goes right up to eleven in flavor from the first bite.
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*
HOLY AIOLI!
-
in a little bowl, stir together:
1 clove lightly sauteed crushed garlic (just to take the raw edge off);
3 T vegenaise vegan mayo;
1 tsp sriracha;
1 tsp horseradish dijon mustard;
black pepper, crushed red pepper flakes;
sriracha flakes;
1/2 tsp nootch;
1/4 tsp Onion Powder;
1/2 tsp Garlic Powder.
you might think you're ready, but y'all ain't ready.
this is that powerhouse SAUCE, and after a thick spread of it,
you're still gonna wanna dip your sandwich in MORE.
yeah.
you'll see.
*
pickles and red onions add some tang and a little sharp edge to the thing.
f'real.
you need those elements to create harmonious balance between the spicy hot fried pieces,
the soft buttery bread, and that rich, luscious aioli.
but, when it comes to the new new hottness,
THIS IS IT:

c'mon!!!
bro, have you ever seen anything so flippin' gorgeous?
that's the TRUTH.
so, you've got 1" hunks of seitan ready to go.
drip-drained and dry-ish, hacked into chunks, and all set for some drenchy dunks.
that's tilty as hell.
so, assuming you've got a lot of seitan chunks, like a coupla cups of it,
you'll need to do the following:
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CAJUN CHAWNX OF FIRE!!
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fill a 1 quart saucepot halfway with vegetable oil, and get that hella hot.
how hot? hella, how many degrees is that? a LOT.
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in a mixin' bowl, combine the following:
1/3 cup a.p. flour;
1/4 cup yellow cornmeal;
1 tsp baking soda;
1 T nootch;
1 tsp ea. GPOP;
1 tsp ea, smoked paprika, hot paprika, thyme;
1/4 tsp ea. red pepper flakes, fresh cracked black pepper, sriracha flakes, cayenne;
1/2 tsp ea. oregano, basil, sage;
dash of rosemary;
dash of pink salt;
1 tsp non-GMO cornstarch.
- add the seitan to the floury stuffs,
and pour over 1/4-1/3 cup non-dairy s'milk, to lube up and create a pasty porridge.
toss everything up until well-coated,
adding more s'milk as necessary to make sure it's all breaded up properly.
dust that with just a baby bit of flour,
and fry two batches up in that ragin' cajun vat of fat.
yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup.
it'll get dark and crawnchy quick-fast and in a hurry,
and it'll be SO crissssssp.
THAT'S the boomfire berserker big action activation, for sure.
it ain't beads, and it ain't parades, but it's waaaay better, y'best believe.
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all of that, all together, is one hell of an experience.
it's a huge sandwich, and it's got a lot going on,
but you need it in your life.
i'm sure of it.
i know it improved my mood after a long day at the tatt-shack.
yeah.
AMPERSAND TATTOO is terrific on busy days,
but that makes for loooong days.
i guess loooong sandwiches are the appropriately proportionate response.
*
what comes after fat tuesday?
a fat belly.
ha. and also, now it's lent.
i don't F* with that in a religious sense,
but maybe a short spell of going and doing without something is a good idea?
normally, i'd give up sleep, or hope,
but i'm on some other other sh!t these days-
keeping it poitive in the face of despair,
and trying to see y'alls' side of things while i'm at it,
all whilst doing what i can to maximize my time, and keep my cool......
so, maybe i could give up on giving a F*?
hear me out-
caring about what matters is always a must,
but caring too much about things that don't is a bad idea.
so maybe giving far fewer F*s about the extraneous periphery is in order.
starting today, and without a smear of soot on my head, to boot.
let's see how it goes;
never quiet, never soft.....