gluttony, in stereo.

two friends on a mission:
gastrointestinal gluttony,
righteous, riotous, full-blown digestive ragnarok.
a test of fortitude,
a rite of culinary appreciation taken to eleven.
f* the chopsticks, i'll just use the wrench;

^wasabi peas and tamari peanuts.
technically, you don't order this stuff,
but in order to document the epic-scale gluttony of two people,
it helps to record all the comestibles.

^sichuan spicy cucumber.
this is important, even though it is somehow $7 of one cucumber.
it's important because it is mostly water, but still food.
so instead of drinking so much water, taking up room where food could go,
when you get thirsty, you just eat a little tiny bite of this, instead.
it is so cold, and so spicy.
we had a battle plan, ya'll.
believe it.

^red oil dumplings.
they fill your mouth up almost too much to chew,
but they are flavor grenades.
which means:
one dumpling.
one bite.
taste explosion.
word.

^mock eel.
i know, it sounds hard.
but it is totally and completely amazing.
shiitake mushrooms, sticky brown stuff, and some friedness.
no dead ocean tastes.
at all.
only awesomeness in every single bite.

^dry fried string beans with seitan flecks.
everything that can be made vegan has a circle v on the menu.
this is one of the bestest and tastiest.

^steamed scallion bread.
usually a big fluffy bomb of  doughy stomach space-invading would be a bad idea.
yum4tumtasticness, however, is made out of bad ideas turned smart.
chopsticks are bad for scoopling up the bits and specks of stuff on your plate,
but buns are like giant flavor sponges,
and they are sticky.
specks, flecks, bits, and sauces get trapped up,
sopped up,
and then ate up.

^gold coin vegetables.
traditional new year's item, ya'll.
other than a coupla baby corns disguised in batter,
it brought the noise.
perfect big mouthfuls of tempura terrificness.
this one was for the year of the celestial ox, my ninjas.
we ate it anyway.

^salt and pepper tofu.
it's so salty, and so peppery, and so crispy, and so soft.
you don't notice how full you actually are until ten of these babies hit the rest like a lead anchor.
of course,
you just gotta fight through that weak-sauce,
because there's still one more, ya'll....

^mock general chou's chicken.
seitanic hottness, and barbarian broccoli
don't eat the dried chilis, or you will be revisited by whole meal,
in reverse.
it was so mutha-flippin' good,
i just had to keep packin' it down the ol' gullet...
i could feel my pants stretching as i powered down my share. 

^battlefield carnage.
feast your eyes on the feast.
pacing youself is the key,
otherwise, you get too full, too quickly.
we waited until they served the last two main dishes,
then polished off everything on those plates.
...and just when we polished off the rice,
after waiting to do so until the other stuff was all gone,
in order to not load up on incidentals instead of culinary combatants, y'heard?
we got hit up with one last dish:

^yep.
fortune cookies can f* right off, ya'll,
we cleansed our palettes with citrus,
chugged our waters down,
and waddled out,
full-bellied,
full-hearted,
and full of fully-formed friendship.
we came, we ordered, we ate, we ate some more,
we conquered.
hard.
and then we headed home.
mission accomplished;
never quiet, never soft...