AND.

do i want chocolate,
or do i want coffee?
ummm.
ew.
c'mon.
don't be dumb.
i want chocolate AND coffee.
obviously, OR isn't acceptable,
because that implies your choice eliminates an option,
and then you're missing out on something.
clearly, this only applies to situations where there are at least two
desirable decisions to pick between.
if the rock and the hard place are all you've got,
don't pick.
if you opt for the lesser of two turds,
you're still implying that you deserve turds.
don't do that.
fight on, ad fight harder, for a better set of selections, son.
jeez.
that's no joke.
....but,
motivational observations aside,
how the heck can you realistically forgo deliciousness?
how can i decide if i want chocolate OR coffee?
no.
no way.
F* that OR sh!t, i want those AND jauns.
word up, neighbors.
coffee AND chocolate exist together already, anyway,
so the choice is made for me, in a way.
yup.
it's all about that mocha.
and that is it's own thing.
that's adaptation, and evolution, and cooperation at work.
you knew it had to happen-
i mean, we're designed to solve problems.
more and more and more and MORE AND MORE.
i mean it,
if i have to select one of two good things,
i'm going off-book, and i'm taking them both,
and since we're in the spirit of the thing,
just check the mocha-ring-of-decadence-type teleport:

ba-da-BOOM.
that's what AND looks like.
so expert.
sort of like a deep, dope, dirty brown butthole,
only about a billion times better.and it's got that double drizzle razzle dazzle,
in strips and strips all along the bumps and ridges of the cakiest crumb i've ever made.
no joke.
what did i do differently?
i don't know.
i think it might've been the magic of mayday,
and the awesomeness of the inclusive additive activation.
doesn't that sound feasible?
no?
oh.
well,
the coffee icing disagrees,
and so does the espresso-infused dark chocolate sauce on top.
i keep espresso beans frozen for just these scenarios.
you never really know when there is gonna be a riotous call
for invigorating chocolate coffee treats, covered in more of both.
y'feel me?
it's nice to be prepared is all i'm sayin'.
y'want a recipe?
of course you do.
ok.
i'll give you one.
surprised?
me too.
here it is:
elite mocha butthole bundt cake.

heat that oven up to 350 degrees F.
get your bundt-hole pan, and grease it up,
maybe even lightly flour it if you aren't using some ghetto-style spray stuff.
then, get yourself the following flavors in the appropriate measurements-
*a cup of dark brown sugar,
*a half a cup of granulated sugar,
*a stick (8Tbl/1/2 cup) of vegan butter,
*a single serving lunchbox cup of unsweetened applesauce
(that's 4oz. if you aren't about that ease of premeasurement),
*a single supermarket vanilla vegan milkless yogurt style blops.
(or 6oz. from the big bucket)
and don't let me tell you what to do- use whatever flavor you want, i s'pose.
sweetened, unsweetened, plain, vanilla, chocolate.
but probably not a fruity berry one, please,
*two teaspoons of vanilla,
*a teaspoon of coffee extract, if you've got it,
or maybe some cold brew syrup, concentrate, even.
*a half a teaspoon of salt,.
...........
cream all of that crap into a wet mess of sweet, sloppy dissolved doo-doo.
and while it's mixing up, (in a stand mixer if you're serious,
with a hand mixer if you're less serious,
or by hand if you're some sort of amateur)
*fire in a third of a cup of cocoa,
*and four to six heaping tablespoons of instant coffee,
*and two tablespoons of finely ground espresso beans...
...........
once that's a black tar blast of battery blops,
*hit it off with 1/3 of a cup of tapioca flour,
plus a few Tbls, - that's for that springtime spring, and also for extra sponginess.
*and two and two thirds cups of presifted unbleached all-purpose flour,
*and one and a half tespoons of baking powder,
*and a teaspoon of baking soda.
mix that crap up, slowly adding in a cup of non-dairy milk,
until it looks like cake batter. .
mmhmmm.
if you can't figure that out, get off of the planet's surface,
and return to whatever peat bog sinkhole you've bubbled up from.
no offense, but seriously, no kidding, either.
add it evenly to the circle pan, man,
and then bake that baby b!tch for roughly 40 minutes?
test it with a stabber to know for sure.
if it's clean when you take it out of that doughy dome, it's done.
cool it off for a bit before you flip it onto a wire rack to let it cool completely.
-
and when you're ready, and it's ready,
you've gotta ice ice baby it,
the coffee sauce is vanilla, coffee extract, confectioners sugar, instant coffe,
and non-dairy milk, mixed to a thick heavy syrupy sauce consistency
i'm sure you know to add in just the itty-bittiest bit of milkiness at a time,
or else the sugar dissolves into tan poopmud water,
instead of emulsifying into awesomeness.
the chocolate sauce?
i always eyeball it.
chocolate chips, or baking bar chocolate, or whatever, with confectioners sugar,
soymilk, cocoa, and that superfine grind of espresso,
and a splash of alcohol-free vanilla (it holds up better over heat),
melted down until it looks like exxxtra-condensed chocolate syrup.
duders,
i'm just giving you the guidelines.
i didn't use a recipe, but i'm telling you what i did use.
freak it off yourself,
maybe with little tiny chocolate chips,
maybe with chocolate-covered espresso beans arranged in a crawchy layer
halfway through dropping that batter down.
maybe both?
AND is an addictive addition action.
there's no telling where it ends.
i'm beginning to suspect that it doesn't.
too much is the right amount, after all.
anyway,
go bake a cake if you feel like it;
never quiet, never soft.....