MELANZANE!!!

do you even eff with eggplant?
no?
oh.
well, you're Off The List.
wait,
but YOU like eggplant?
sweet.
i see you, homeboi.
and have i ever got somethin' special for your face, then.
check the aubergine-type teleport:

PEE EYE ZEE ZEE AYY!!!!!!!!
woooooo!
man, oh MAN, this is something especially expert.
hmmm?
oh, don't let those little yellow chao chee' bummer bits distract you from the bigger picture-
that's fried eggplant on pizza, and it's also F*ing amazing in every way.
crisp, soft, and saucy,
smooth, slippery, and sexy,
crusty, crunchy, and seasoned to perfection-
this pizza had all the things you'd hope it could,
and only one downside, which is, of course, my excitement over that dumb chee'.
ugh.
so, the bad news first-
chao doesn't melt worth a sh!t.
womp womp.
it tastes great in this application- it just looks like crap,
which officially removes it from common use.
tasting great is very important, but, i mean, c'mon-
it looks like pineapple almost, and while i don't care either way if it's on pizza,
it doesn't go with super-sexxxy eggplant pizza at all.
so, visually, it's jarring, but texturally it's tight af, even without the melt.
.....i just can't hang out with ugly food, dudes.
ANYway, look at that eggplant:

WORD!
it's a process, but it's so worth it.
first, get yourself some of those little small italian eggplants-
i used two of 'em, and i ate a LOT of this eggplant in one sitting....
the small ones are key here, or the graffiti jauns, even.
thin skin, and that fat ends equipped with dots not slots
(male eggplants are less pithy and seedy, google it?)...
sliced about 1/4" thick, and salted generously, and allowed to weep out the bitter water within.
that's mandatory.
while that's going on, y'gotta blend your dip and your breading-
the dip is easy:
1 cup non-dairy milk;
2 T ground  chia/flax meal;
1 T nootch;
1 tsp egg replacer.
whisk it and then let is sit until it's thick af.
easy.
the breading part? slightly more complicated, but totally not that complicated-
-
1/2 cup chick pea flour;
2 T organic non-GMO cornstarch;
2 T nootch;
1 tsp ea. GPOP, oregano, dried basil, dried parsley, paprika,
crushed red pepper flakes, fire-roasted tomato flakes;
salt, black pepper;
1 cup super-crushed cornflakes-
this could easily be gluten free if you used a rice-crisp cereal without barley syrup in it.
(i have some, its some hippie brand, but it's good)
-
you'll also need a big-A* high-walled pan with about 1/4" of hot oil across the whole bottom-
these are all going to be pan-fried, and they're going to be great, too.
get the pan fired up on high heat-
and dip your slices of aubergine into the wet, double-dredge 'em in the crawnchy dry bits,
and slap 'em in batches into the oil-
they'll need like 3-4 minutes a side, and they'll be flippin' amazing.
the house will smell great, you'll feel molto italiano,
and everybody will know you know what you're doing, even if you don't,
because this is that simple to do.
*
i made some custom cooked sauce, too.
mmmhmm.
normally, i'd use straight-up crushed tomatoes,
but eggplant is a special event ingredient over here,
and it calls for more-important parts to get activated-
-
i had three cloves of crushed garlic, 1/2 tsp ea GPOP and 3 T nootch,
all sizzlin' in a hot pan with a glug of olive oil,
and i activated that with 1 cup mashed baby grape tomatoes,
before i added 1 T fire-roasted dried tomato flakes,
and 1 1/2 cups of crushed tomatoes, plus a dash of salt....
i let it all bubble along on medium-low (turned down after the crushies got dumped in),
and let it simmer away while the oven preheated to 480℉ convection-style.
yum4tum, y'bum.
real talk.
shredded baby spinach? sounds great.
minced daiya mozz? rules is rules.
if you aren't mincing your mozz, you are making a mistake.
that's for serious.
that chao? i'll maybe put it under the eggplant next time.
*
oh,
and the dough?
36 chambers- *ahem* hours of flavorful-development in the fridge,
on some long-A* bulk business,
which made it so damned dope i might just always have one proofing in there forever...
that's a thing.
flour, water, salt, yeast, time and love.
that's all, and the last two ingredients you don't even need to worry about.
***********
pizza is forever my sweet thang.
it makes dark days bright,
it makes cold nights warm,
it makes hard times easier.
i guess you could say pizza is the best emdicine for what ails you,
unless you're messed-up in ways that good food can't cure.
in that case, seek immediate professional help, and grab a slice on your way there.
pizza.
that's the best part.
pizza.
that's all i ever want.
pizza.
that's the TRUTH;
never quiet, never soft.....