Monday, November 26


y'all don't know,
and y'all ain't ready.
that's for real-real, and i'm being up front with you when i say:
this was some of the best super-elite official expert vegan hottness
that i've ever had in my mouth.
word up.
i'm gonna tell you ALL about it,
but first check the teleport:

that's what's moltissimo megadelicious in the woodsly goodness, guys.
no joke.
everything is homemade.
the sauce? homemade.
the pasta?? home-frickin' made.
the seitan??? yup.
that melty mozz'-style chee'?? WU-TANG!!!
homemade tastes better.
on the ones, neighbors, look at the level-eleven dopeness this represents:

that's F*ing rad.
you want recipes?
i got you, booboo.
get ready, there's a LOT.....
set a pot of broth a-boil-
that's better'n'bouillon paste, 8 cups water, 2 T soy sauce, 3 shakes liquid smoke.
in a mixin' bowl, combine:
1 cup vital wheat gluten;
2 tsp ea. GPOP- (Garlic Powder Onion Powder);
1 tsp smoked paprika;
sage, thyme, pink salt, black pepper, to taste (just a lil bit of each);
2 T nootch;
3 T garbanzo bean flour;
2 T tapioca flour;
add 3/4 cup veggie broth;
1 T soy sauce;
a dash of liquid smoke.
stir well to form a sticky af ball of dough-
knead and fold and tuck and knead that dough forever-
f'real, push and pull it until it's literally a tight ball of aromatic brown shiny goodness-
let it rest ten minutes, and slice it into 1/4" slabs.
flatten and pull 'em until they're nice and smooth,
and rest 'em again for another 'nother five or so minutes,
before adding them to the boiling water, returning the broth to a boil,
and simmering the whole thing for thirty minutes to an hour.
that's seitan.
remove them and store them in a lidded bowl with enough liquid to immerse them.
drain and press a couple of 'em to make seitan parm patties....
dredge those wet steaks in:
4 T finely crushed cornflakes;
1 T cornstarch;
oregano, thyme, sage, basil, black pepper, crushed red pepper flakes;
2 tsp chickpea flour;
pink salt.
....and fry 'em in olive oil in a very hot pan, man.
that's the powerplay, and the right move.
and when you dab 'em up with that custom chee'???
BOI, you don't even know, but you're about to find out-

puree 1/2 unpressed block silken tofu together with
1/4 cup tapioca starch;
3 T nootch;
1 tsp ea GPOP;
pink salt;
1 T lemon juice;
1/4 cup water;
2 T olive oil.
add that blended mess to a pan, and heat it up on HIGH, stirring the whole time,
until it becomes a sticky, stretchy cheesy glob.
just like *that*, you're now a chee'makin' miracle.
just blop it on top of whatever, and you'll be the big dinner winner forever.
that's a thing.
and of course, i get fresh with my sauce.
always and all ways, never the same way twice sauce is the key.
this one's spicy, fra diavolo as it were-
with a little hot pepper in there, and a lot of flavor everywhere-
y'ever make sauce?
it's F*ing great, always.
here's a general idea of what to do, but feel free to go rogue and make it your own-

in a 2 quart sauce pot,
saute 1/2 minced red onion,
2 cloves crushed garlic;
1 cup quartered grape tomatoes;
3 T poblano pepper, finely chopped;
1/2 purple carrot, grated and minced,
over medium-high heat in 2 T olive oil, until the onions are starting to brown just a bit.
next, add 2 T nootch,
1 T tomato paste;
plus oregano, basil, parsley, sage, rosemary, thyme, pink salt,
crushed red pepper flakes, and fresh cracked black pepper.
deglaze all of that with a heavy splash of red wine vinegar,
add a splash of wheat-free tamari,
and 2 cups of crushed tomatoes,
1/4 cup all natural apple juice, and set it to simmering for twenty minutes, or more.
add some fresh parsley, if you've got it.
that's pretty good.
the thing is, jar sauce is for A*-holes.
a from-scratch batch is not hard, and it tastes great, and that's the truth.
oh you're wondering if i'm gonna tell you about those homemade fattie-boombattie noods?
you better bet your bumbum i'm gonna.
in your trusty and indispensably dependable stand mixer, combine:
3/4 cup a.p. flour, king arthur is preferred always;
3/4 cup semolina flour;
1/2 tsp salt;
2 T olive oil;
2/3 cup warm water;
fresh cracked pepper.
knead all that together into a firm dough, about 11 minutes.
roll it out exxxxtra thinly, on a floured surface, into a big rectangle-
now, roll your doughy rectangle into a long, floured coil-
slice it into 1/2" wide strips, unroll them, and let 'em dry out for a few minutes,
before dumping the whole mess of 'em into a big pot of salty water until they float....
all of that stacked, packed and layered, then finished with fresh arugula sprankles?
that's expert.
a meal like this is a megaton exxxplosion of excellence.
all of that italiano delectability had my face feeling all-smiles for miles.
no, for real, though-
when all the homemade everything all converges at a focal point of pure awesome?
something that could be simple gets complicated, but also, improved, for all the extra effort.
trying harder, forever, is all i'm built to do.
anything else doesn't even make any sense to me;
never quiet, never soft.....

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