litany.

hahahahaha.
oh MAN.
jess and our friend elsah had an overnight patty-cake party time.
so,
i had the whole house to myself last night.
y'know,
man-time manliness and macho masculine busy business time.
how'd it go?
oh MAN.
OH man.
oh manoman...
i walked in to my lightless fortress of solitude,
and about sixty-seven seconds after i took off my coat,
my camera banged out of the pocket onto the floor.
before i could check it out, and assess the severity of the damage,
i bumped into a whole heavy gallon of primer paint.
(the damage instantly became more severe, my ninjas.)
huh? why didn't i see the paint can?
because it was hiding in the complete dark, in a doorway, where i was walking.
did i get any on me?
....eventually.
but first,
it exploded all over the floor.
and the couch.
and the table leaves that were unexpectedly stashed under the couch.
ooooooooooooooh.
a thick white gooey explosion of off-putting oogeyness is just what i needed!
(that's what she said)
right about then is when i started getting paint on me.
and my favorite shirt.
and my very best flatterin man-ass-pants.
and my shoes.
no, it's cool.
coverd in paint, i almost looked like an artist for a quick second.
between the dog and i, we managed some emergency damage control;
we only tracked paint through the entire first floor of the house.
what?
yeah.
that is better than making dinner.
oh, and it only took most of around two or so hours to clean that up.
give or take.
wait, what?
well, interrupter, i'll tell you;
yes,
as a matter of fact there IS a fast-drying kilz ghost circle on the living room floor.
dudes, i know,
that sh!t realy does dry fast.
how awesome is that?
SO awesome.
especially when you're hands-and-knees scrubbing
until your hands are red, white, and blue.
did olive the dog bark for almost the entire two hours,
as an alert guadian against the especially inoffensive wind outside?
heck yes she did.
otherwise, i might not have had a stress-induced aneurism.
it's called 'helping'.
it's what she does.
yeah.
has anybody forgotten about those leaky chimneys?
the ones that rain inside when it rains outside?
mmm-hmmm.
the mason called to chat a bit,
right as i finally got around to actually doing something unrelated to cleaning up.
ahhhhhh,
there's nothing quite like some late sunday night uplifting news.
it seems the original work estimates were a just little teeny tiny itsy-bitsy baby bit off.
y'know how it is, yeah?
for just one of the chimneys,
it looks like i'll be spending roughly nine times what we originally thought.
did i just say 9% more?
F* no.
i said 9X.
how is that even possible?
it would appear somebody wants to 'uck my A*.
right off the face of the earth even.
normally,
i would just laugh about how incredibly amazing the evening was going.
unfortunately for me,
the tasty little chocolate treat my wife thoughtfully left me as a forget-me-not,
also had some seriously high-test espresso nugs in it.
i really should've read the label.
caffeine makes me a very special kind of epic D-bag.
thus,
a whole bar of barabarian battle brickle did wonders for my mood.
i stayed positively off-my-t!ts ass-tarded all flippin' night.
since it seemed hopeless to try and exist on my own,
having instantly proven my ineptitude as a single entity,
i invited jim over.
i admit i felt like a duplicitous press-gang conscriptor.
i should'a warned a duder, y'heard?
sorry, buddy.
i can't imagine it was fun waching me get all drastic spastic for four or five hours.
it wasn't all crap.
we enjoyed a pretty decent fire,
despite the dearth of suitable combustibles...
at around eleven or so,
i was back to being by myself again.
it seemed as if things were mellowing out after all;
happily,
the lull was just a tease.
the wind kicked back up around mindnight,
and the four-legged heart-attack inducer got back to freaking me the F* out.
i thought pets were supposed to be stress reducers or some sh!t.
c'mon.
no, seriously though, it's cool.
if i didn't get to be in charge of the dog all night,
i probably wouldn't have taken her outside to doo-doo her dog business.
of course,
then i also might not have stepped in the mount olympus of turds, either.
right?
of course i did.
i'm talking about a full-foot smothering, drag-on-the-leaves-chunky,
rotting-placenta-from-beyond-the-grave mound of horror.
is anyone keeping count?
i just went from your basic, run-of-the-mill WIN,
to a full-fledged blowout ROUT.
four hours of sleep.
sh!t-salad-soaked shoes.
a wrecked-up floor.
a staggering heap of housework and home improvements.
no appointments on the schedue today.
it's all really happening.
i'll remember these bitters, b!tches.
there must be some secret universal sweets waiting around nearby;
never quiet, never soft.....