the mid-atlantic?

it hasn't snowed in a while.
that's the worst.
somehow,
the lower portion of the right side of the country
is getting a hell-hammer of blizzard blitzkrieg,
and up here in the northern extremes,
we're just cold.
who came up with that idea?
i mean,
virginia?
i though that was for lovers,
not skiers.
not that i want to shovel,
or slide around on the roads,
or go sledding, even;
but,
i can't hang out with the doo-doo buttery
bustedness of old snow, sand, debris, dog poop,
and whatever other other sh!t gets exposed
when the existing snow gets old.
crunchy, sad, half-ice, melty crap!!
gross.
i'd be happy with a freak storm of mint mentos, y'hear?
i need that freshmaker, ninjas.
the blanket of beauty.
the gentle downy dopeness.
the billowy arctic cottonballs.
whatever.
it's really just a cover-up,
and deep down underneath,
all that sour, scabby, salvageyard scum is still there-
but i'm more than willing to sweep all that weak sauce
under a blanket of fresh, clean winter carpet, yeah?
i want that whitewash topcoat cleanup special.
make it a winter wonderland again.
i could use a day off where i'm actually OFF.
a stay-home, make soup, take-'er-easy day.
you need that snowblind blitz,
that stormswept blizzard blasting,
or else you're just being a cookie-cuttin' nancypants.
that's no joke.
barbarians roam the tundra, son.
that's just how it is.
unless there's a ferocious flurry of frozen fury,
you gotta get busy out there.
sorry, D.C.
your sauce is watered-down.
***********
i'm worried.
it's true.
i'm worried about maintaining the hottness.
think about it, ninjas;
if my tiny half-bathroom is this thermonuclear lava hot,
how much more time, money, thought, and flavor
will i need to muster up for the bigger, better rooms?
it keeps me up at night.
no joke.
i dream of the van dyke's catalog.
spare rooms.
that's something.
spare?
yeah, spare.
13 separate definitions, ya'll.
from showing mercy,
to having extra,
to even being frugal.
spare rooms.
spartan, sparse rooms?
i don't think so.
spare rooms.
extra rooms?
heck no. that's not it.
spare rooms.
unoccupied rooms?
c'mon.
spare rooms.
i'm thinking on the savage second-chance strike sh!t.
the barbarian boulder bowling ten-pin extra points.
i'm thinking 7/10 split style points,
and gutter-mouthed guttural balls.
spare rooms!
axe-chop battle backslash marks on my score card.
no matter how old and busted they are now,
i'll finish 'em off proper.
that's final frame, extra roll business for sure.
spare no expense,
spare no detail,
spare me the sorry sob-stories.
...hey, ninja, can you spare a room?
you'd better F*n' believe it;
never quiet, never soft.....