peein' on my pannies?

if i had been able to make my own he-man action figurine,

back before the days when after-school cartoon cringer or orko ever existed,

i would've made a flapjack headed monster,

with syrup nozzle arms;

picture man e. faces,

but as a lumberjack breakfast.

i know, it would've sold a milion units.

the name?

what are you, an A-hole?

pan e. caker, obviously.

...c'mon.

y'know what i scoopled up today?

three big ol' compilations of calvin and hobbes collected comic strips.

i really love that stuff. hard.

when, before or since, has anyone captured that flavor of freshness?

i'm serious.

never, that's when.

plus,

when the get busy brushes were flowin' just right

bill waterston could watercolor his whole ass right off, ya'll.

i'm sayin', remember the dinosaur ones?

dope.

i had kind of forgotten about those turbofresh comics,

but i was reminded of 'em after a trip to the supermarket.

i happened to see a 'peeing punk-ass' rear windshield sticker,

wherein the squirt is squirtin' on 'work', (the word work, ya'll, seriously)

while his hat sports lures, and a caption reads: "gone fishin'".

and all this time i thought only shel silverstein could illustrate heartfelt poetry.

think about how epic the flippin' gaytardation must be,

fourteen long years after the strip has ended,

for jockhole redneck bumper-sticker-types to still crack up about a little kid

takin' a hot whiz on whatever vehicle brand or sports team,

just so whomever is behind them on the road will know

where their waterworkin' diaperbaby allegiances lay.

a small comfort can be taken, at least,

that the current incarnation bears little resemblance to the original calvin,
and is moreso a sh!t-salad backwards-ballcapped urbanesque toughlet.

i get it, kinda.

a young boy, vinyl buttcheeks bared,

relieving himself on symbols of tyranny and oppression,

namely ford logos and professional sports teams from new york,

is clearly a form of displaying superior patriotic american ethical values,

and not a thinly veiled nambla recruiting technique.

i mean, he does have his back turned, for decency's sake.

nice.

and the time and energy devoted to extrapolating variables!

mathematical physics theorists have got nothin' on these guys.

i mean,

have you seen the one where the red sox kid

is peein' on the yankees kid

who is peein' on the red sox B?

flawless victorious waterfall comeuppance indeed!

the trickle down effect and last laugh revenge,

all in a die-cut public urination affirmation.

that's how you reach out and pluck america's heartstrings.

are you taking notes, hallmark?

chicken soup for the imbecile's urethra, perhaps.....

today,

i'll be sure to stay well hydrated,

just so i can channel the lovable spirit of mschief,

like an italian kokopelli, even,

(kokopellisimo, my ninjas,)

and take a 98.6 degree hilarous dousing on all that displeases me.

don't worry, my hat'll be on backwards.

a super-soakin' imp,

drenching this day all sweet and lovable,

and kinda ammonia-y.

stayin' gold, in shower form;

never quiet, never soft....